I apologize ahead of time for the scatter-brained nature of this post.
NM is playing games again. I've mentioned before that she promised me a favor. I knew ahead of time that she'd make me pay. And pay she has. It started almost a month ago. She has to travel to my home for this favor. Normally, I'd get 500 phone calls/emails/texts wanting to discuss the trip. She said nothing. And she continued to say nothing about the trip. I thought, OK, well, let's play this out. See how far it goes. Well, two weeks ago, she started laying the groundwork. I knew it was coming. Tomorrow is NSIS's "follow-up" appointment with the doctor. I knew she was keeping her options open, in case she had to rush to NSis's side. So, she started mentioning little things. Slipping in how she wasn't feeling well. Not returning my emails when I flat asked her if she was still coming. She left my emails dangling for three whole days (this is a woman who texts/emails/calls several times a day. I don't answer or respond, just for the record). Finally, she decides to reply that she's "planning on coming." Two days later, I get an email that she's got some physical ailment that will prevent her from coming...maybe...sort of. Now, I'm annoyed. I called out her bullshit. Because, even though I can replace her, I actually kind of needed this favor. And she knew that. And she knew that it was actually a bit of an honor for me to have asked her for this favor. But instead of having any sort of acknowledgement of the honor (I know that sounds weird, since she's doing the favor for me) that I would select her to do this important thing for me, she's rubbing my nose in it. I got pissed. I called her bluff. I told her not to worry about it. Of course, then she became "cured"...sort of...but most likely. Ugh. The game playing. I know, I know, quit playing her game. I am glad that I didn't rise to her bait. I didn't react. I measured my responses. I didn't let her get to me. So, I guess we'll see how it all plays out.
You'd think that's be she'd be the one most on my mind, with all her game playing, but really it's my dad. He's been trying to get a hold of me for awhile now. We've been playing phone tag. As I've told you all, I've been very busy (funeral, out of town on vacation, out of town wedding, "single parent" for several nights while DH was out of town, etc.). Plus, I've got two little kids. Trying to fit in phone calls (and these are not five minute calls, but usually an hour or so) in between naps, lunch, baths, dinner, doctor's appointments, and school is difficult. I usually have two free hours a day. And by free, I mean that I get two hours to clean, cook, shower, and maybe, just maybe have some time for myself. I'm not complaining, it's just life right now. I can't talk on the phone when my kids are around because they start to fight for my attention. And dad would not be happy about screaming kids in the background. So, I tried to call him back several times, over several weeks. Then, I knew he was going out of town on vacation. So, I popped an email out saying that he should let me know when he gets back. Well, as soon as he gets back, he calls and starts out with a comment about how I'm difficult to get a hold of. Then, he makes some crack about my husband being in a profession of crooks (and just for the record, he doesn't have a high opinion of 99% of the population or their profession). I'm starting to get annoyed. He asks if I've heard from my sister. I say no. I tell him that she won't return my calls and I'm done trying to get a hold of her. He says she won't call him back either and says he's about to write us BOTH off and quite calling us. WTF. How did I get lumped in with her? He's always lumping me in with her. He transfers his feelings about us back and forth like we are two ends of the same sea. It takes me a minute to regroup. My dad can be vicious. He can also be very nice and kind. He was much more vicious when I was a kid but he's been better for a long time now. I'm always on alert, though. I always expect the verbal beat down.
But I'm determined to be strong and stand up for myself. I catch my breath and tell him that what he said was fucked up. That lumping me in with his entitled, take everything, spoiled daughter is not cool. That I, unlike her, have tried to call him back, several times.
He doesn't say anything. We move on. We talk circles around my spoiled sister again. He says he's tired of going circles around the same conversation (he always thinks he gets determine when a conversation is over). We talk about my childhood. He seems surprised when I tell him how life was with my mom and sister. Genuinely surprised. I wonder where the hell he was when I was a kid. How he missed so much. He apologizes for being such an ass when I was a kid. He says he was a bad parent. I believe he is sincere in his regret. I know he's gained a lot of perspective and he knows he was abusive. He hit us. Not a lot, but enough. Always for "discipline". Problem was, the punishment never fit with the crime. He hit us with a belt (that we had to go get) for not doing the dishes, fighting, not cleaning our rooms. He left welts. I have struggled for so long with this. I always excused it. He was only disciplining us, my child-mind rationalized. It was the only way he knew how. That's what his parents did. Everyone's parents spanked them. I'm beginning to think they didn't. And I don't know why, but his admitting it, made me feel free. Like I could also speak out and say it was not OK what he did.
The conversation was heavy, but we moved on to my mother's and my sister's relationship. I fished out a couple of things about narcissism to see how he'd react. He agrees that my mother is deceitful. He agrees she enables my sister. But when I suggested that she likes to keep my sister dependent on her so that she can feel important he was stunned. Why would a mom sabotage her own daughter? he asked, in disbelief. I knew that he wouldn't be able to hear any more on the subject.
I tried to make it back to my original point. See, he's been enabling NSis a lot lately too. Sending her money, asking for no accountability from her. Allowing her to continue to behave like a spoiled child. I wanted him to know that I'm not trying to punish NSis. I'm not in some petty sibling feud. I told him that I expect her to treat me with the same dignity and respect and love that I've always treated her. That the relationship needs to be reciprocal. That she has obligations to me too. He agreed. He said that he didn't feel like it was my role to provide for her or take care of her. I believed him.
But then he said, "But in the end, you're life is better than her's." And there it was. The excuse. The dismissal. The proof that, no matter how upset he is about how she acts towards him, he doesn't understand me at all. That he does feel I owe her something. Because my life is "better". DH, when I told him this, said "well, that's awfully subjective. I know lots of people who'd rather have her life than yours." Which is true. She has no responsibility. She has no accountability. She parties and sleeps until noon and spends money on herself. Now, is she happy? No. Does she want more? Yes. But her life isn't some horrible mess. And if it is, it's ALL due to choices she's made. She's made the choice to lead her life the way she has. And while I love my life, my kids, and my husband, it's no walk in the park all of the time. My sister would fall apart with 2 years of three-hours-of-sleep a night, the endless routine of taking care of kids, kids puking in your hands, cleaning, cooking, and caring for others, all to do it all over the next day. To be responsible and think of someone besides herself would not be her cup of tea. I love my life. My sister, would not. My dad would prefer my life, but not everyone thinks like my dad. And even, let's assume, that my life is better? Does that excuse her behavior? Does that make me responsible for her? Does that make her not responsible? Does that make her unaccountable? No, I don't think it does.
Showing posts with label burden. Show all posts
Showing posts with label burden. Show all posts
Monday, September 24, 2012
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
NSis's Greatest Hits
I've written about my relationship with my sister before. How we grew up, the triangulation, a basic story line. But I wanted to write out some specific incidents so that I could look at her behavior in totality and not just individually. Usually, I'm pretty good about doing this with people. But DH made a very good point in relation to one specific event and a light bulb went off. I realized how much I excused of her, how enmeshed I was with her, how much she manipulates, controls, and hurts me.
When DH and I moved into our new home, my sister, her boyfriend, my dad and his wife came to visit within days. It was very stressful for me. We had been working towards moving in for a year and it kept getting pushed back, until the two events landed virtually on top of each other. I was a little sad that DH and I wouldn't even get to enjoy the first few days "settling in" but I thought it might be a fun, little "celebratory" way to break in our new home with family. It wasn't. NSis and her boyfriend arrived with gifts and flowers and were very thoughtful and helpful. But it went down hill quickly. My dad implied that the "gifts" my sister had brought had taxed her financially. And that I should offer to pay for the food she had brought. This was the first sign things weren't going well. Here I was, cooking and entertaining 4 adults (with lots of beer to boot) and I knew that I was being labeled the bad guy for not "chipping in" on her gift. Then, NSis's boyfriend started getting on her nerves. They started to fight. She complained to me about him, and (in a lapse of judgement) I sided with her (I would later be characterized as being "rude" and making him "uncomfortable"). He was a whiny, lazy man sitting around letting me wait on him and complaining about the meals I served. He complained that he hadn't gotten to see enough of our town (I hadn't even unpacked in my new home), that he wanted to go out barhopping, on and on. Then, one night after we had all gone to bed, they get in a screaming match. One thing led to another and he hoped in his car and left NSis here. Left her 600 miles from her home. And didn't look back. She wakes me up in the middle of the night crying. I spent an hour at 2 in the morning, listening to her "vent". It was all one sided and she was just spewing at me. I'm sure I was expected to drive her back home but I couldn't and didn't. She had to figure it out herself. DH pointed out yesterday, that I had just moved into a new home. I had the a lot on my plate. But she must have felt she wasn't getting enough attention and created some drama. It was horrible and draining. Oh, and she ended up getting back together with the douche bag too.
When my sons were born, she promised she would come help. The first time, she cancelled out last minute. I had expected that from her. I had texted family around 5:30 in the morning about DS arrival. She had been awake (having a crisis) and called immediately. She was happy and excited. She then asked if I'd called my Dad. I told her no, that I was waiting until around 6, so that I didn't wake him up so early in the morning. I didn't think it mattered if I called then or in half an hour and I thought it would be nice not to be woken up early in the morning. Well, NSis took it upon herself to call. She told my mother she "felt he deserved to know" (and oh, the irony considering our current situation.). She completely stole my thunder. Making the announcement of my son to my father before I could. She completely ignored my wishes and did what she wanted to garner attention for herself. She was a mess when my next son was due, saying she was so worried about taking care of my older son (not that she would be doing it herself. NM and DH were here). But as usual, it was all about her. I thought however, that maybe NM and NSis would cancel each other out in the situation and I could have a nice birth. When my second son was born, she never said anything about coming. She just acted like she'd never offered at all. BUT, she had a crisis with her work, changed jobs, had to move out. Her life, as usual, was in turmoil.
When it comes to my kids, NM always tells me they are the "light of NSis's eyes". How much she loves them and cares about them. Well, she's failed to acknowledge them the last several holidays and birthdays. For my son's last birthday, she didn't even acknowledge it had happened. She called several days later but never once said anything about it. She did talk about how she was struggling, her love life, her moving life, her emotional state. Never once said a damn thing about it.
She used to call all the time late at night, drunk, and sobbing. She was always having a horrible problem that she needed to talk to family about. Needed her family to support her. It didn't matter that I had to work in the morning, or was up all night with an infant too, or had a family to take care of. All that mattered was that SHE needed me. I started turning off my phone. I told her to quit calling me so late. I told her that, unless it was an emergency, to not call. She said she respected that. But one night, I got a long message detailing what an asshole I was. What a horrible sister I was. That I was a snob, living my "perfect" life, and that I could never understand what she goes through. This is a theme with her and my mother. The have both said, and implied, that because she is "less fortunate" and I am "more fortunate" in life, that I should give more of my emotional life to her. That I owe it to her to help her out. That it is my job to help even us out. NM gets angry if relatives send me Christmas cards but not her. She feels they are leaving her out. I feel that they send me cards because I maintain relationships with them. She ignores all of the relatives. NM feels that I should overcompensate for NSis in life. That it is my job to bridge life's little speed bumps for her. That I am blessed with a husband, and home, and family and that she, the less fortunate, should be excused from reciprocating in any way.
When we are together, NSis often expects me to pay for everything. She often pays one bill. And then, she must figure she is "good". She never offers again. She always orders whatever the hell she wants and expects us to pick up the tab. If she comes along on activities, she must feel that we should pay because she is doing us the "service" of joining us on our activities. Activities she can't afford, and if we are rude enough to go some place with our kids she can't afford, we should pay. She can be very generous at Christmas (well, used too) but then complains endlessly afterward how broke she is. If she does anything for me, like buy gifts for my kids, she holds me hostage on the phone while she picks them out.
I won't even go into my wedding. But, long story short, she did every thing she damn well could to start drama, make me look bad, and cause chaos with in the limits of trying to look like the "thoughtful" sister.
She has crisis after crisis. Medical issue after medical issue. And she is not responsible for any of it. She is just the recipient of the short end of the stick. If I listed out all of the things that have happened to her, just in the last five years, none of you would believe it. She continues to socialize with horrible people from her past, but then acts like she can't help them contacting her. She does nothing to try and improve her lot in life (aside from talking about it) and then expects that we should all rally around her. She drops me if something (or someone) better comes along. She is so concerned about herself that she rarely, if ever asks about me. She never acknowledges my husband. And if she does, she often is annoyed and pissed off at him. She can become volatile and violent. I have been, and continue to be, afraid of her rage at times. She tells me I am a horrible sister, snobby, unwilling to help. She always tells me she misses me, but makes no real effort to connect with me. She acknowledges nothing in my life. She expects me to prioritize her above my husband and kids. She has never been happy for me for anything I've done. She expects that if she is not happy, that I should not be happy. That if she is having a crisis, then it is my crisis. That if she is going through something, I should drop everything, fall to the floor sobbing for her, and spend every moment finding ways to help her.
I stand at a fork in the road with my relationship with her. I can not go on like this. NM thinks I'm too weak to handle things like this. But in reality, it's the narcissism that I can't handle. The drama, the chaos, the secrecy, the fishing for sympathy. The implied obligation, the guilt, the fear of their retaliation should I not support them as they want me to. The panic mode they send me to. I will not subject my kids and family to this anymore. I have to force myself to remember that life does not have to be this damned hard, ALL OF THE TIME. I'm tired of being held hostage.
When DH and I moved into our new home, my sister, her boyfriend, my dad and his wife came to visit within days. It was very stressful for me. We had been working towards moving in for a year and it kept getting pushed back, until the two events landed virtually on top of each other. I was a little sad that DH and I wouldn't even get to enjoy the first few days "settling in" but I thought it might be a fun, little "celebratory" way to break in our new home with family. It wasn't. NSis and her boyfriend arrived with gifts and flowers and were very thoughtful and helpful. But it went down hill quickly. My dad implied that the "gifts" my sister had brought had taxed her financially. And that I should offer to pay for the food she had brought. This was the first sign things weren't going well. Here I was, cooking and entertaining 4 adults (with lots of beer to boot) and I knew that I was being labeled the bad guy for not "chipping in" on her gift. Then, NSis's boyfriend started getting on her nerves. They started to fight. She complained to me about him, and (in a lapse of judgement) I sided with her (I would later be characterized as being "rude" and making him "uncomfortable"). He was a whiny, lazy man sitting around letting me wait on him and complaining about the meals I served. He complained that he hadn't gotten to see enough of our town (I hadn't even unpacked in my new home), that he wanted to go out barhopping, on and on. Then, one night after we had all gone to bed, they get in a screaming match. One thing led to another and he hoped in his car and left NSis here. Left her 600 miles from her home. And didn't look back. She wakes me up in the middle of the night crying. I spent an hour at 2 in the morning, listening to her "vent". It was all one sided and she was just spewing at me. I'm sure I was expected to drive her back home but I couldn't and didn't. She had to figure it out herself. DH pointed out yesterday, that I had just moved into a new home. I had the a lot on my plate. But she must have felt she wasn't getting enough attention and created some drama. It was horrible and draining. Oh, and she ended up getting back together with the douche bag too.
When my sons were born, she promised she would come help. The first time, she cancelled out last minute. I had expected that from her. I had texted family around 5:30 in the morning about DS arrival. She had been awake (having a crisis) and called immediately. She was happy and excited. She then asked if I'd called my Dad. I told her no, that I was waiting until around 6, so that I didn't wake him up so early in the morning. I didn't think it mattered if I called then or in half an hour and I thought it would be nice not to be woken up early in the morning. Well, NSis took it upon herself to call. She told my mother she "felt he deserved to know" (and oh, the irony considering our current situation.). She completely stole my thunder. Making the announcement of my son to my father before I could. She completely ignored my wishes and did what she wanted to garner attention for herself. She was a mess when my next son was due, saying she was so worried about taking care of my older son (not that she would be doing it herself. NM and DH were here). But as usual, it was all about her. I thought however, that maybe NM and NSis would cancel each other out in the situation and I could have a nice birth. When my second son was born, she never said anything about coming. She just acted like she'd never offered at all. BUT, she had a crisis with her work, changed jobs, had to move out. Her life, as usual, was in turmoil.
When it comes to my kids, NM always tells me they are the "light of NSis's eyes". How much she loves them and cares about them. Well, she's failed to acknowledge them the last several holidays and birthdays. For my son's last birthday, she didn't even acknowledge it had happened. She called several days later but never once said anything about it. She did talk about how she was struggling, her love life, her moving life, her emotional state. Never once said a damn thing about it.
She used to call all the time late at night, drunk, and sobbing. She was always having a horrible problem that she needed to talk to family about. Needed her family to support her. It didn't matter that I had to work in the morning, or was up all night with an infant too, or had a family to take care of. All that mattered was that SHE needed me. I started turning off my phone. I told her to quit calling me so late. I told her that, unless it was an emergency, to not call. She said she respected that. But one night, I got a long message detailing what an asshole I was. What a horrible sister I was. That I was a snob, living my "perfect" life, and that I could never understand what she goes through. This is a theme with her and my mother. The have both said, and implied, that because she is "less fortunate" and I am "more fortunate" in life, that I should give more of my emotional life to her. That I owe it to her to help her out. That it is my job to help even us out. NM gets angry if relatives send me Christmas cards but not her. She feels they are leaving her out. I feel that they send me cards because I maintain relationships with them. She ignores all of the relatives. NM feels that I should overcompensate for NSis in life. That it is my job to bridge life's little speed bumps for her. That I am blessed with a husband, and home, and family and that she, the less fortunate, should be excused from reciprocating in any way.
When we are together, NSis often expects me to pay for everything. She often pays one bill. And then, she must figure she is "good". She never offers again. She always orders whatever the hell she wants and expects us to pick up the tab. If she comes along on activities, she must feel that we should pay because she is doing us the "service" of joining us on our activities. Activities she can't afford, and if we are rude enough to go some place with our kids she can't afford, we should pay. She can be very generous at Christmas (well, used too) but then complains endlessly afterward how broke she is. If she does anything for me, like buy gifts for my kids, she holds me hostage on the phone while she picks them out.
I won't even go into my wedding. But, long story short, she did every thing she damn well could to start drama, make me look bad, and cause chaos with in the limits of trying to look like the "thoughtful" sister.
She has crisis after crisis. Medical issue after medical issue. And she is not responsible for any of it. She is just the recipient of the short end of the stick. If I listed out all of the things that have happened to her, just in the last five years, none of you would believe it. She continues to socialize with horrible people from her past, but then acts like she can't help them contacting her. She does nothing to try and improve her lot in life (aside from talking about it) and then expects that we should all rally around her. She drops me if something (or someone) better comes along. She is so concerned about herself that she rarely, if ever asks about me. She never acknowledges my husband. And if she does, she often is annoyed and pissed off at him. She can become volatile and violent. I have been, and continue to be, afraid of her rage at times. She tells me I am a horrible sister, snobby, unwilling to help. She always tells me she misses me, but makes no real effort to connect with me. She acknowledges nothing in my life. She expects me to prioritize her above my husband and kids. She has never been happy for me for anything I've done. She expects that if she is not happy, that I should not be happy. That if she is having a crisis, then it is my crisis. That if she is going through something, I should drop everything, fall to the floor sobbing for her, and spend every moment finding ways to help her.
I stand at a fork in the road with my relationship with her. I can not go on like this. NM thinks I'm too weak to handle things like this. But in reality, it's the narcissism that I can't handle. The drama, the chaos, the secrecy, the fishing for sympathy. The implied obligation, the guilt, the fear of their retaliation should I not support them as they want me to. The panic mode they send me to. I will not subject my kids and family to this anymore. I have to force myself to remember that life does not have to be this damned hard, ALL OF THE TIME. I'm tired of being held hostage.
In and Out of the FOG
The F.O.G. (fear, obligation, guilt) is eating me alive. I am struggling. Struggling in my desire to protect myself, my family, my life from being swallowed by the chaos of my sister's life. Struggling to put my new found skills to use. Knowing in my head what I should do. But feeling in my heart and stomach and body such an ache. Such stress, and anxiety, and hurt.
I finally sent my sister a quick email. I didn't want to call. I didn't want to play her games, listen to her sob, knowing that it was all a bunch of unloading. I know that she has either not called, or talked little with, my parents. She still hasn't communicated with me at all. Which is crap. She needs to be an adult. I'm tired of chasing her around, throwing myself at her, desperate to have her let me help her. So, I emailed. I told her I had heard she had health problems (because no one still knows what the actual diagnosis is and she STILL hasn't made a follow up appointment, even with NM on her back). I told her to let me know if she needed anything. That I was thinking of her. I felt good about the message. I wasn't playing into anything, but felt I was extending myself to her, but wasn't wading into the pool of crap. She responded with "I am. I would like a friend." And that's it. I don't even know what to do with that. She still didn't address anything directly. I'm sure that there is anger and annoyance and b.s. in the reply. I'm not sure what effect she expected the reply to have on me.
This was my one really "fun" week of the summer. My family knew that. I have had to fight them all for it over and over. I doubt that this is too much of a coincidence that it is dropped on me now. I don't have the time or the energy or the will to devote anything to this. This week was supposed to be about my family. Having fun with my kids. I feel attacked by this. And I'm sure my FOO would say I was being selfish. And how could I just go on with my life when they are struggling so (this is a theme in my relationship with them). I feel guilt. Guilt that I'm not calling. Guilt that I am happy in my life. Guilt that I let their toxicity seep into my life and that it makes me stressed. And angry. And that I am less patient and tolerant and available for my kids. That is effects the type of mom and wife that I am. That I feel guilty for even thinking about myself and how this effects me. That I struggle with what a "healthy" family member's obligation to all this would be, compared with my feelings of trained obligation. That a lot of me just wants to ignore it and hope it all goes away. But that in doing that things would be irreparably changed. That it is taking a big step. That I'm angry. That I'm struggling with my feelings at all. That I often feel just the "fight or flight" feeling. Like a chicken with my head cut off, panicked, and I'm struggling to remain calm. Struggling through the constant emails and texts and implications that I'm not doing enough.
I'm just struggling and sinking and trying desperately to stay afloat.
I finally sent my sister a quick email. I didn't want to call. I didn't want to play her games, listen to her sob, knowing that it was all a bunch of unloading. I know that she has either not called, or talked little with, my parents. She still hasn't communicated with me at all. Which is crap. She needs to be an adult. I'm tired of chasing her around, throwing myself at her, desperate to have her let me help her. So, I emailed. I told her I had heard she had health problems (because no one still knows what the actual diagnosis is and she STILL hasn't made a follow up appointment, even with NM on her back). I told her to let me know if she needed anything. That I was thinking of her. I felt good about the message. I wasn't playing into anything, but felt I was extending myself to her, but wasn't wading into the pool of crap. She responded with "I am. I would like a friend." And that's it. I don't even know what to do with that. She still didn't address anything directly. I'm sure that there is anger and annoyance and b.s. in the reply. I'm not sure what effect she expected the reply to have on me.
This was my one really "fun" week of the summer. My family knew that. I have had to fight them all for it over and over. I doubt that this is too much of a coincidence that it is dropped on me now. I don't have the time or the energy or the will to devote anything to this. This week was supposed to be about my family. Having fun with my kids. I feel attacked by this. And I'm sure my FOO would say I was being selfish. And how could I just go on with my life when they are struggling so (this is a theme in my relationship with them). I feel guilt. Guilt that I'm not calling. Guilt that I am happy in my life. Guilt that I let their toxicity seep into my life and that it makes me stressed. And angry. And that I am less patient and tolerant and available for my kids. That is effects the type of mom and wife that I am. That I feel guilty for even thinking about myself and how this effects me. That I struggle with what a "healthy" family member's obligation to all this would be, compared with my feelings of trained obligation. That a lot of me just wants to ignore it and hope it all goes away. But that in doing that things would be irreparably changed. That it is taking a big step. That I'm angry. That I'm struggling with my feelings at all. That I often feel just the "fight or flight" feeling. Like a chicken with my head cut off, panicked, and I'm struggling to remain calm. Struggling through the constant emails and texts and implications that I'm not doing enough.
I'm just struggling and sinking and trying desperately to stay afloat.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Labels
Labels are a hot-button issue with ACoNs. We have been labeled and defined externally for all of our lives. Labels have been used to control, belittle, shame, and manipulate us. Labels that reflect more on the giver of the label than the person being labeled. Our narcs always profess to "know" us; to know us better than we know ourselves. And any attempt at self-identity is seen as rebellion. The narc laughs it off as if we are some adolescent teenager trying out a new hairdo. But they know us better, they know what is best for us. How could they not? They are the one who "created" us.
Part 1
NMIL and I were discussing potty training my son. She was busy labeling my son as developing late in this area. She consistently commented about it, asking if he was trained yet, sighing and saying "well, boys do train later." I reminded her that I wasn't pushing the issue. That I didn't care what he did. That it was his choice. He had the tools. I encouraged him. But the real choice was his. That there had been a lot of other things going on in his life, and this wasn't an issue with us. She stated that when her boys were little she used to let them go in the yard, and with summer coming this might be a way for DS to have "fun" training and....She trailed off and I knew what she was thinking. Oh, Jessie, would never let her son pee outside. She's too prim and proper.
She's always labeled me as a straight laced. She, the conservative Christian, has labeled me as uptight and strict. She takes my balking at her boundary pushing (whether it's pushing for physical closeness, sharing of food, expectations of basic manners) as having a stick up my ass. She has implied over and over that I am the wet blanket on her parade. That I am the downer at the party. She is the fun loving, easy going, light hearted person. I am as about much fun as the flu.
Once, DH made a nice meal for his family. His younger brother scooped up some of the fish onto his plate, took one bite and announced it was "gross". He scooped it back up and plopped it down in the serving dish. NMIL shouts "(SON) don't do that! Jessie doesn't like that!" All eyes go to me. I feel like a horrible person. Never mind that I didn't say anything about his behavior. Or that his behavior was grossly out of line. Or that basic manners should have dictated her "lesson" to him, not making me the bad guy in the situation. There I sat, the "manners police", red faced and embarrassed.
When I have balked at her invasion of my privacy (walking in on me, not wanting to change clothes in front of people, feeling the need to dress appropriately when I come down for breakfast) I'm seen as a prude. Old fashioned. Insecure about my body.
When I have expectations (age appropriate ones) for my sons at a restaurant, the whole family gets tense. I expect that my son doesn't run around. I've been the waitstaff concerned about tripping over a small child, spilling a hot plate of food on the kid. It's dangerous and not appropriate. But to the in-laws, I'm a hard ass. I bring tons of things for my kids to do (coloring books, etc.). The other kids bang knives and forks on the table. I'm restrictive and confining.
NMIL and her FOO love to laugh. Loudly. At everything. It's become such a joke with me as it often seems so forced and phony. They like to laugh at people. Always cackling at something. When BIL and SIL got married, they decided to have a "roast" at the rehearsal dinner. The family told wildly inappropriate stories that embarrassed and humilated BIL. But it was all in good fun, they claimed! When my wedding day came, DH was insistent that we not have a roast at our rehearsal. He fought it tooth and nail. But I know I got the blame. I was the one who was not willing to have any fun. I was the one who couldn't "laugh at myself". I look back at this now and wonder what they could've possibly been thinking. That at a moment when a couple should be lifted up, made to feel loved and supported they were torn down and embarrassed. On purpose. And it was all in fun. And I'm the bad guy.
Part 2
My mom and dad used to tell me I was bossy. They would watch me playing with the neighborhood kids and would tell me I was too bossy. I didn't think then, nor do I think now, that I was bossy. Somebody had to come up with something to play and I liked to come up with fun games. I was creative and the neighborhood kids often asked me to come up with something. They sought me out and came to my house to ask me to play. I know that I took others into consideration. I know that I would've been willing to do what someone else wanted to do. But my parents, observing from inside the house, passed judgement. Told me who I was. Told me not how to behave but that I was this label. My teachers at school found me to be "helpful". They often had me tutor other kids, lead discussion groups. To my teachers I was a "leader" but to my folks I was bossy.
I also was labeled as the "good kid". Always expected to follow the rules. Never allowed to get into trouble. Anything less than perfection was deemed a failure of huge proportions. Perfect was the standard not the goal. I was "responsible". Always the caretaker. Always expected to help out. I also was labeled a liar. I wasn't a liar. I did lie on occasion. Always out of fear of getting in trouble. I was so terrified of failing my parents, of making a mistake, that I would lie to cover it up. I was also oversensitive. I cried too easily. I took things too personally. When my father would "tease" me, I took it too personally.
Now, my parents label me as "anxious". Like I'm some sort of constant worrier and bundle of nerves. Yes, I suffer from anxiety. Yes, I have abandonment issues. I am, on occasion, overprotective of my kids. I'm terrified of loosing my kids or my husband. Of loosing the family I have wanted for so long. But I'm not jumping at my shadow. I'm not so overprotective that my kids don't do anything and live in a bubble. Far from it. They label me "anal" because I'm organized. They label me as uptight and rigid and inflexible because I plan things (like meals and activities) when they are here. Mostly, I'm uptight and rigid because I don't allow them to just take over and follow them around like a dog. All of my parents and step-parents are some of the most controlling, inflexible, rigid people I know. But they label me that way.
When I look at all of these labels, I see very few positive ones. I'm also struck by how differently these two families label me. Their perceptions of me seem so in opposition. And neither seems to fit. When I'm with my friends or with coworkers I'm rarely labeled in such negative ways. A lot of their criticisms of me are seen as positives. I don't feel like I have to be something I'm not. I don't feel like I'm smothering under a blanket of labels. Under a coating of projected personality flaws. I don't always feel I'm struggling to be myself.
I've been struggling with my identity for a long time now. Trying to figure out who I am and who I need to be. It was one of my first clues that something was really wrong: that I couldn't shake their perceptions of me, that I felt bogged down and couldn't be myself. That I felt like a false person with family. At first, I thought it was just that they wanted me to still be who they saw when I was a kid. That they hadn't accepted me as an adult. But they never knew me as a kid either. And now, I'm struggling to feel "grown up". I knew this girl. She always looked so put together. Carried a big girl purse and wore "womanly" jewelry. Not the simple girlish look I had. I told her I would've felt like an imposter wearing that stuff, even though I liked it, as I would feel like a little girl playing dress up in her mom's closet. I always felt like a little girl. Despite everything I had done and accomplished and taken on by myself. I was a little girl. And I want to be a grown up.
Part 1
NMIL and I were discussing potty training my son. She was busy labeling my son as developing late in this area. She consistently commented about it, asking if he was trained yet, sighing and saying "well, boys do train later." I reminded her that I wasn't pushing the issue. That I didn't care what he did. That it was his choice. He had the tools. I encouraged him. But the real choice was his. That there had been a lot of other things going on in his life, and this wasn't an issue with us. She stated that when her boys were little she used to let them go in the yard, and with summer coming this might be a way for DS to have "fun" training and....She trailed off and I knew what she was thinking. Oh, Jessie, would never let her son pee outside. She's too prim and proper.
She's always labeled me as a straight laced. She, the conservative Christian, has labeled me as uptight and strict. She takes my balking at her boundary pushing (whether it's pushing for physical closeness, sharing of food, expectations of basic manners) as having a stick up my ass. She has implied over and over that I am the wet blanket on her parade. That I am the downer at the party. She is the fun loving, easy going, light hearted person. I am as about much fun as the flu.
Once, DH made a nice meal for his family. His younger brother scooped up some of the fish onto his plate, took one bite and announced it was "gross". He scooped it back up and plopped it down in the serving dish. NMIL shouts "(SON) don't do that! Jessie doesn't like that!" All eyes go to me. I feel like a horrible person. Never mind that I didn't say anything about his behavior. Or that his behavior was grossly out of line. Or that basic manners should have dictated her "lesson" to him, not making me the bad guy in the situation. There I sat, the "manners police", red faced and embarrassed.
When I have balked at her invasion of my privacy (walking in on me, not wanting to change clothes in front of people, feeling the need to dress appropriately when I come down for breakfast) I'm seen as a prude. Old fashioned. Insecure about my body.
When I have expectations (age appropriate ones) for my sons at a restaurant, the whole family gets tense. I expect that my son doesn't run around. I've been the waitstaff concerned about tripping over a small child, spilling a hot plate of food on the kid. It's dangerous and not appropriate. But to the in-laws, I'm a hard ass. I bring tons of things for my kids to do (coloring books, etc.). The other kids bang knives and forks on the table. I'm restrictive and confining.
NMIL and her FOO love to laugh. Loudly. At everything. It's become such a joke with me as it often seems so forced and phony. They like to laugh at people. Always cackling at something. When BIL and SIL got married, they decided to have a "roast" at the rehearsal dinner. The family told wildly inappropriate stories that embarrassed and humilated BIL. But it was all in good fun, they claimed! When my wedding day came, DH was insistent that we not have a roast at our rehearsal. He fought it tooth and nail. But I know I got the blame. I was the one who was not willing to have any fun. I was the one who couldn't "laugh at myself". I look back at this now and wonder what they could've possibly been thinking. That at a moment when a couple should be lifted up, made to feel loved and supported they were torn down and embarrassed. On purpose. And it was all in fun. And I'm the bad guy.
Part 2
My mom and dad used to tell me I was bossy. They would watch me playing with the neighborhood kids and would tell me I was too bossy. I didn't think then, nor do I think now, that I was bossy. Somebody had to come up with something to play and I liked to come up with fun games. I was creative and the neighborhood kids often asked me to come up with something. They sought me out and came to my house to ask me to play. I know that I took others into consideration. I know that I would've been willing to do what someone else wanted to do. But my parents, observing from inside the house, passed judgement. Told me who I was. Told me not how to behave but that I was this label. My teachers at school found me to be "helpful". They often had me tutor other kids, lead discussion groups. To my teachers I was a "leader" but to my folks I was bossy.
I also was labeled as the "good kid". Always expected to follow the rules. Never allowed to get into trouble. Anything less than perfection was deemed a failure of huge proportions. Perfect was the standard not the goal. I was "responsible". Always the caretaker. Always expected to help out. I also was labeled a liar. I wasn't a liar. I did lie on occasion. Always out of fear of getting in trouble. I was so terrified of failing my parents, of making a mistake, that I would lie to cover it up. I was also oversensitive. I cried too easily. I took things too personally. When my father would "tease" me, I took it too personally.
Now, my parents label me as "anxious". Like I'm some sort of constant worrier and bundle of nerves. Yes, I suffer from anxiety. Yes, I have abandonment issues. I am, on occasion, overprotective of my kids. I'm terrified of loosing my kids or my husband. Of loosing the family I have wanted for so long. But I'm not jumping at my shadow. I'm not so overprotective that my kids don't do anything and live in a bubble. Far from it. They label me "anal" because I'm organized. They label me as uptight and rigid and inflexible because I plan things (like meals and activities) when they are here. Mostly, I'm uptight and rigid because I don't allow them to just take over and follow them around like a dog. All of my parents and step-parents are some of the most controlling, inflexible, rigid people I know. But they label me that way.
When I look at all of these labels, I see very few positive ones. I'm also struck by how differently these two families label me. Their perceptions of me seem so in opposition. And neither seems to fit. When I'm with my friends or with coworkers I'm rarely labeled in such negative ways. A lot of their criticisms of me are seen as positives. I don't feel like I have to be something I'm not. I don't feel like I'm smothering under a blanket of labels. Under a coating of projected personality flaws. I don't always feel I'm struggling to be myself.
I've been struggling with my identity for a long time now. Trying to figure out who I am and who I need to be. It was one of my first clues that something was really wrong: that I couldn't shake their perceptions of me, that I felt bogged down and couldn't be myself. That I felt like a false person with family. At first, I thought it was just that they wanted me to still be who they saw when I was a kid. That they hadn't accepted me as an adult. But they never knew me as a kid either. And now, I'm struggling to feel "grown up". I knew this girl. She always looked so put together. Carried a big girl purse and wore "womanly" jewelry. Not the simple girlish look I had. I told her I would've felt like an imposter wearing that stuff, even though I liked it, as I would feel like a little girl playing dress up in her mom's closet. I always felt like a little girl. Despite everything I had done and accomplished and taken on by myself. I was a little girl. And I want to be a grown up.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Overwhelmed
I've been feeling so overwhelmed lately. As liberating as this all is, as freeing as it is to think I'm changing, moving past it, finally healing, it is also overwhelming to deal with the grief, the sadness, the realization that we really are alone. Things will not get better. DH and I are not ever going to have that family support we so desperately hoped for. It is overwhelming to think of all the work ahead. To realize how many of our friendships took advantage of our preconditioned natures.
DH and I have come so far. We have grown closer in the past few months than we ever have. He is willing and eager to listen and hear me. While he may not always agree, he considers and validates me. But it is such a long road I see stretched out. Such a long road of recovery, redefining life, setting out on our own.
And in the midst of all this, life goes on. Laundry piles up as I write posts. My kids entertain themselves more than I'd like them to as I try to sort through this all. The house is a wreck. I am trying to let go of my perfectionism, but some days, I want to drag everything out on the lawn, burn it all, pack up me and my family and start over. Live more simply. We finally have the "home" I've longed for and worked for and needed, but sometimes the weight of it is too much. DH hates his job and I know he shoulders more than his share of the burdens of that, protecting me from the stress he is feeling. Knowing that, at the moment, I just can't carry anymore. But I hurt for him, and feel for him, and worry for him.
I walked through Target today, tears playing in my eyes. Stupid tears as I looked at clothes and diapers and just felt so adrift. Felt so lonely. Wished so desperately that we had ANY family that could surround us without expecting something in return, or using our rough patch to make themselves feel better, or gossip about us behind our back. That we could trust and lean on someone. To know that the friends I see dropping by the wayside, who would never even think about asking how WE are doing, aren't all we had hoped they would be. Trying to be strong, carry my kids, find the way to soldier on, heal on the run, as I grieve, and feel loss, and feel lonely, and feel tired.
DH and I have come so far. We have grown closer in the past few months than we ever have. He is willing and eager to listen and hear me. While he may not always agree, he considers and validates me. But it is such a long road I see stretched out. Such a long road of recovery, redefining life, setting out on our own.
And in the midst of all this, life goes on. Laundry piles up as I write posts. My kids entertain themselves more than I'd like them to as I try to sort through this all. The house is a wreck. I am trying to let go of my perfectionism, but some days, I want to drag everything out on the lawn, burn it all, pack up me and my family and start over. Live more simply. We finally have the "home" I've longed for and worked for and needed, but sometimes the weight of it is too much. DH hates his job and I know he shoulders more than his share of the burdens of that, protecting me from the stress he is feeling. Knowing that, at the moment, I just can't carry anymore. But I hurt for him, and feel for him, and worry for him.
I walked through Target today, tears playing in my eyes. Stupid tears as I looked at clothes and diapers and just felt so adrift. Felt so lonely. Wished so desperately that we had ANY family that could surround us without expecting something in return, or using our rough patch to make themselves feel better, or gossip about us behind our back. That we could trust and lean on someone. To know that the friends I see dropping by the wayside, who would never even think about asking how WE are doing, aren't all we had hoped they would be. Trying to be strong, carry my kids, find the way to soldier on, heal on the run, as I grieve, and feel loss, and feel lonely, and feel tired.
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