Mosquito

So, it's been radio silence (sort of) since MIL called with her "apology".  DH told her at the time that he would call her back after he'd had some time to think.  In the interim, we took a trip to NM's house (long story, which I will tell later) and were gone for most of the time since that phone call (in addition to having Halloween and then having other commitments when we got back.)  MIL was aware that we had left town.

Before the "apology", and after MIL stomped her feet because we hadn't arranged our schedule to accommodate her, she had FIL call and leave a message that he hoped, since they'd missed us, they could see us the next time they were in town (during the Fall, they come into our town about every two weeks, if not every weekend).  But this was pre-apology, so I didn't know if the "request" was still valid.

Personally, I thought MIL should let DH have the time and space he needed.   But as the time grew closer for their weekend in town, I could almost feel her energy looming over me and around me.  Like, somewhere in the ether, I could feel her anxiety pushing on us to "deal" with the issue and "get back to normal".

I didn't buy the apology from the beginning.  I'm guessing she called, saying she's been a "bad MIL" and has "done some thinking" as mere platitudes and "tokens" to manipulate DH.  I believe she expected DH to say "oh, no, mom!  You're a great MIL.  We've just been busy."  And then, in her fantasy, I imagine she expected DH to apologize to HER for not making time for her and then making up for it all by spending all kinds of time with her....I mean, one of her statements was "I want to spend more time with you."  THIS is her goal, not working on the relationship, or thinking about what she needs to do better.

I also suspect this has something to do with SIL1 and BIL1, whom they usually spend the whole weekend with, babysitting their kids and staying at their house.  I'm not sure what is going on, but I'm getting odd feelings from that direction.  SIL pulled her FB account almost immediately after posting some new photos of her and her kids (on a trip without BIL).  This is not like her and seemed strange (note:  MIL also said to DH "I'm tired of saying things to people and having them take offense to them."  She had indicated to DH that she feels she has "offended" me many times too.  I'm guessing she's less interested in SAYING less offensive things, just that WE take less offense.  Anyway, I'm wondering if she's said something and ticked off SIL1. I also know that my other SIL(2) and BIL(2) are having marital problems -they've hinted on FB, but I'm not sure what is going on there either.  SIL(2) chewed me out at my son's birthday because I let DH communicate invitations through his brother and I don't tell her.  We are not close, do not communicate at all, and this seems silly to me.  If BIL(2) can't tell her what plans he makes with his family, that is HIS problem, in my opinion.  I'm hypothesizing that she, like me and SIL, is getting annoyed that the FOO always comes first and that we are left out of giving opinions or making plans.)

Anyway, I'm guessing that MIL sees much more potential in sucking NS from me and my family at the moment, as the well is going dry over at SIL1's house.  It annoys me to NO end that she just "switches" like this.  I've seen her do it over and over: she and her "best friend" sister get into conflict? She just ignores that sister and starts hanging out with the other one.  She requires a "primary" relationship (NS source) and can cast aside the one for another like an old sandwich that no longer feeds her needs.  (Two side notes: she never goes and sucks NS from DH's two younger brothers.  While we have to see her every month - if not more- she NEVER goes to visit SIL2 and BIL2.  Their home is only another two hours from ours.  She only sucks NS from the youngest BIL, when she can go to the restaurant he manages and get waited on and tons of attention.   The second note:  BIL1 -the one MIL usually sucks from - has been calling DH a ton to do things.   DH has noted this as odd; BIL has been too "busy" with other friends for the most part in the past year or so to do anything with us.  He never calls to set up time and relied on us to set up any time together -and he'd often blow us off.  I think DH hopes that BIL is wising up.  I've tried to gently point out that this is BIL's pattern: he makes new friends, spends all of his time with them and then gets bored - sound familiar?-  We are his "if I have nothing better to do" choice.  He cycles back anytime these fleeting friendships wither away.  I hope, desperately, that DH can see that.)

So, back to my point.  All of this stuff is floating around in the air.  The air feels thick, even to DH, with foreshadowing.  Like a storm is brewing....or something.  But, we don't actually KNOW anything that is going on, so it's a bit unnerving.

On the Friday before they were to come into town, MIL called DH's phone.  She didn't leave a message and only called once, but I had been expecting it.  She wanted to visit the next day, clearly.  It annoyed me to no end that she wasn't allowing DH to work through things and giving him some space.  But, because of FIL's earlier message, I'm guessing she felt we had some obligation to meet up.  I know DH feels guilty that he hasn't called her back, but I don't think he needs to work on HER timetable.  And seriously, we have been gone for six days of the 11 days between when she called to apologize and when "time was up" to get back with the program.  And that's the key, I think she is just hoping to go back to "business as usual".  She's thinking, "I apologized and now it's over and now you need to do what I want and spend untold amounts of time together."

On the following Monday, DH got a call from his brother (BIL2) with questions (related to DH's work).  FIL happened to be with BIL and BIL handed off the phone to him, despite neither DH nor FIL asking to talk to the other (this doesn't surprise me, as BIL2 tends to always pass the phone around).  FIL acted like nothing  is going on.  He asked DH about our trip (of course, like the good little boy he is, BIL1 - the one who used to be NS and has been calling us - had called his mommy and reported exactly what we had been up to.  It annoys me SO much that news travels so fast in this family.  No one is allowed to tell their own stories, as the gossips tend to run with information).   I'm guessing that my FIL, who is quite spoiled and likes life to be "easy", is just trying to ignore it all (that's been his m.o. in the FOO.  Just keep his head down, ignore any drama or chaos, and then move on like nothing is going on.)  In a way, I'm sort of glad that FIL is staying out of it and not "taking sides".  But, I pointed out to DH, it bothers me that, considering FIL and DH think they are so "close", that they are completely ignoring the elephant in the room.  That FIL, having to assume that things might be difficult for DH right now, hasn't bothered to call, check in, or check on DH to see if he's OK.

Last night, I switched my profile picture on FB.  MIL has been on restricted access on my FB for over a month now, since she poached my son's picture off my page and used it to write her own post (directed AT my son.  How the hell is my six year old son going to see something on HER page?  Clearly, he is not, and it was all so she could look like a good grandmother to her friends.)  This new profile photo has been the only photo she's been allowed access to.  And of course, she "liked" it immediately.  Granted, it's a beautiful landscape photo, but it felt more like a "HEY!! YOU CAN'T IGNORE ME.  I'M STILL HERE AND NOT GOING AWAY!!!!" reminder from her. And I can't help but think she jumped on a chance (seeing as it's been her only one) to send a subtle message that she won't allow me any space either.  She's like a mosquito who's annoying buzzing is always reminding me she's there, even if I can't see her.  I can swat her away for a moment, but she always comes back, threatening to suck my life blood from me.

And not even to mention, DH had also told her, specifically, to quit offering phony flattery to me.  To stop with all of the "I like your toenail polish" b.s.  (To which, she refused because "sometimes I DO like her stuff and I'm going to tell her.  Way to miss the point, MIL!)  To me, this is just one more form of her lame flattery and attempts to manipulate my view point of her.  "Hey!  maybe if I like her photo, she'll think I'm a good MIL and like me too!!!!!"  Or maybe she's just clueless and impulsive and can't control herself.  Either way, I wish she'd stay the hell out of my space.

Oh, did I mention that, in all of this time, MIL has made no attempt to reach out to ME and apologize?  Nope.  Just phony "likes" on FB.

Too bad they don't make "MIL spray" the same way they make mosquito spray.

Same is Ever

I think ACoNs have a sixth sense about when the narcs will circle.  Really, it's not a sixth sense, but an incredible ability to "feel" the storm coming before it hits.  Much like you can feel a thunderstorm coming before it arrives: the air changes, you can feel a "charge" in the wind, distant rumblings.  All the birds go quiet.   ACoNs have learned to pick up on these subtle clues and patterns.  Even if we don't fully realize it, we start to feel a sense of unease about things.

These last few months I've been really sorting through some deeper layers of feeling about my mother.  It was one thing to learn about narcissism and see the patterns, it was another to really feel my feelings about my relationship with my mother.  To get past the grief and  mourning and really have to acknowledge that she is who she is and will not change.  To fully see, without blinders, how willingly she puts me in harm's way to save herself.  How completely she disregards me as if I was completely invisible.  A specter, a ghost that she thinks she sees, but really has no ability to see me as a real person. 

Some of this has been triggered by events in my life and finally seeing how emotionally unavailable she is to me.  Some of it has been triggered by, finally, reading the McBride Book "Will I Ever be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers."  (I know, why haven't I read it before?  Really, though, I think that it is more helpful now than it would've been if I'd read it first.)

Some of it has been triggered by my mother's behaviors.  She has been, not so subtly, referencing my sister over and over.  She brings her up in almost every conversation of length we have.  Not directly, but just casual, "oh, your sister talked to so and so."  Or including me in "group texts" that also include her.  Most recently, she sent me a picture of my sister's new couch.  Considering my sister and I have not spoken to each other in two years, this text was completely inappropriate in that context.   When I didn't respond, she sent another text, saying she'd "sent the wrong picture" of the couch.  What in the world did she expect me to say to that?

For those of you who don't know my back story (and you can go to the bottom and click the NSIS label to see posts pertaining to her, if you are interested in a more detailed version): my sister is  highly self-destructive, most-likely bipolar with narcissistic overtones, verbally abusive, irresponsible, reactive, and angry.  She is thoroughly enmeshed with my mother.  She lies, manipulates, and is extremely reactive.  Any attempts to really communicate with her are raged against, so true intimacy and connection are impossible.  I spent years and years trying to "help" her, only to be completely disregarded, upstaged, and ignored when it wasn't about her.  She has ignored (or created chaos) around the most important days of my life and nothing has every been about me with her.  I have been her support system and I am a "tool" to be used by her, a "resource".  My mother has always excused her and expected me to appease her despite my sister's escalating behaviors.   Because I have "turned out OK" (I don't act out on my emotions) my mother has always minimized and invalidated any feelings.  In any attempts I have had with my mother to address my issues with our relationship, she has gas lighted and twisted the conversation to make herself the victim.  My feelings and point of view have never truly been addressed or acknowledged by either of them. 

This all came to a head when my sister "announced" she had a very serious illness on FB, but then quickly deleted it.  Enough people saw it, that it got back to me, but my sister never told me directly (and "the illness" is still up for debate in regard to it's severity and if it existed at all.)  My sister finally "called me out" after two months for "not supporting" her during her time of need and it quickly dissolved into her screaming and raging at me (she'd been screaming and raging and lying to my father.)  I tried in successive emails to begin a discussion about how dysfunctional our relationship was.  She continued to rage, call me names, ignore my boundaries (only discussing by email), gas lighted, twisted, demeaned me, and then tried to "play pretend" and go on as usual (by asking my advice on a new bed she was buying -while taking money from my father to pay for her "bills" .)  I'd had enough and chose to not continue the discussion.  I was at a lose on how to proceed, as she doesn't seem to understand anything I say.  I haven't really heard from her in months, and that was only a text of "Merry Christmas".  She has sent random gifts to my kids (whom she sometimes acknowledges, sometimes doesn't and who she considers more of an extension of me than someone to have a relationship with), but only to one kid for his birthday and not the other.   All of this seemed like lame attempts to "pacify" me. 

NM and I have had a "cooling off" lately (mainly on my end) where I have remained detached in our communications.  I'm not ignoring her, but I'm not really actively pursuing a relationship.  After the situation yesterday (see previous post), I emailed her to figure out her schedule (and she again ignored that I was upset about something and blew me off, not that I expected her to do that.)  Last night, I got this message: (And I usually don't like to directly copy messages, but in this case, I don't think the true nature of the message can be conveyed without the direct text.  A few minor details have been concealed. My thoughts are in italics afterward. )


"Hey do you still have all those albums(records) from the 70's that your dad and I had."  The "old" me would've said just "yes" and left it at that.  But something in me told me that she was baiting me, and this time I decided to address that directly. And I actually couldn't remember if I had them.  NM gave me boxes of old shit of her and my dad's years ago to "store" that she did not "want in her house anymore.  This included all of the family photos of me and sister growing up. 

Me: "Did I have them? If I did, I still would have them. Why?"

NM: "Well stupid question on my part, of course you have them. Lol  (NSIS) has been buying old albums, and asked me if I had them still and if so she would like a few. Now that was not the best proper way to bring this up, but it is the best I know how. I don't remember what is in the inventory, except the good bad and the ugly.. I want that one, fits me. Lol. I think a (record title),  (band name) album was there too.. I told her I am sure they can be spit up between you two..I am trying to write this the best I can, it is just hard when my daughters are not in contact with each other and I am the root of the problem. Please don't blame (NSIS) for the decisions she made in her life that were made because of my wrong decisions"

So, first, it occurred to me how easily I would've "missed" this bait line before.  How she throws these things out there, hoping to snag me in a conversation and not just being upfront.  And she is clearly aware of that.

Some other thoughts:

Why not just say "Do you have those records?  If so, your sister wants some and can we divide them up."  Done and done.  But NOPE, she has to stir up drama and bring it back to our relationship.  To me, I bet she's been looking for this opening for a LONG time. 

Her continual "not the best way" business is annoying as hell.  Of course it's not the best way.  It's late at night, in a FB message, and not really relevant to what she wants to say.   And the "it's just hard when my daughters are not in contact" is clearly ALL ABOUT HER.   And then she says that she is the "root of the problem".  That's news to me.  She never takes responsibility.  And I don't think she really is now either.  If she wanted to take responsibility, or really discuss this, it wouldn't be tacked on to a fucking message about old records.  HOW is she the root of the problem?  Does she seem sorry?  NO.  It appears to me to be only a "victim" plea.

Then, she goes back into the same sort of bullshit, "don't blame NSIS, she knows not what she does."  This is the same story I've heard over and over and over.  Nothing is NSIS's fault.  Which is A LOT of the reason NSIS is in the situation she is in now.  NM has always infantilized her and never held her accountable.  And I'm supposed to just "excuse" that.  I might add that my sister is in her MID- THIRTIES.  Far too old to be blaming "mommy" for her problems.

And really, even if I accept that excuse, where does that leave me?  I see so much blame shifting here.  So much avoidance of responsibility.  Smoke and mirrors.  And triangulating. 

I thought, for one moment, that she was actually trying to make an attempt to change.  And that sort of sucked too.  After spending years trying to get past her, I wasn't keen on jumping back into that mess.

The whole message left me rolling my eyes.  This, in and of itself, was a huge step for me.  I felt mild annoyance, but not anger, not venom, not bitterness.  I felt clear headed and unemotionally charged when I typed up my response. 

Me: "(NSIS) has been a grown woman for a long time now, and any and all decisions she makes are by her own choices. We are not in contact now because she chooses to hurt me, disrespect me, and shows little consideration for me. Among other things. And it is a pattern that I have hoped would change as she grew up. It did not.

That being said, she is welcome to any and all of the records. I have told her before that I would give everything back to you and that you could then split it up. When you come down, you can grab them."

I was trying to be as "neutral" and "just the facts, ma'am" as I could.  I didn't want to JADE, but wanted to be clear about my position on my relationship with NSIS.  And frankly, I couldn't ignore the situation forever and stick my head in the sand.

NM replied:  "Awwww..., I didn't want this to go this way...and it is really not about me. They will be split..I really do thank you for storing them, and it was wrong for me to put that on you. I really do apologize. .. Not asking you to forgive just know I am truly sorry.."


Go which way?  WTF?  I can see, maybe how she might have read "anger" in my reply, but it is a bit of a stretch.  To me, she is "finding drama" in the message.  And subtly suggesting I'm being reactive.  And what did she expect me to say?  To just "soften" and let "go of my grudge" (which I think is how she views this.  That I'm just holding a grudge and that it can be all patched up with hugs and an apology.  This relationship has gone off the track for 30 years.  And it wasn't great to begin with. 

And apologize for WHAT?  Seriously, this is the lamest apology in the world if she is expecting it to make up for all the crap all these years.  And really,  I suspect she's apologizing for me storing her shit, and not for anything real.  "I'm not asking you to forgive...." Really?  I doubt that.  And "truly sorry" for WHAT? 

Then, she topped it off with this:

NM:  "(NSIS) has been getting help for her choices and life decisions this past year, and I pray she has the life ahead she truly wants. ..I can't judge her for her decisions, as I know as more come out her reactions and choices for her life in the past were due to my immature decisions and how she reacted were different then how you reacted. Not to say you ever went without hurt and hardship, you handled them different. and not to stay you don't still don't have pain...I am not excusing (NSIS) nor is she excusing her decisions because of what I did, I just know things would be different if I had not made stupid choices. I hurt every day to what I caused...and never ever wanted to hurt my daughters or their relationship with each other..I hope someday you reunite. Love you!"

OK, starting from the top of this: NM starts out immediately minimizing NSIS's behaviors and "balancing" them out by saying she is "getting help".  Getting help from who?  The last time she told me that NSIS was getting help, NSIS was just doing yoga.  And that was supposed to "help".  And from what I've seen (several crazy FB posts that were completely nuts) NSIS hasn't changed at all.  And even if she has, she has made NO attempts to actually work on our relationship.  And also, that is NSIS's place to reach out, NOT NM's.    "I can't judge..." I'm assuming that she is implying that I am judging NSIS.  Clearly, by choosing to step out of NSIS's narcissistic reach, I am being judgmental and bitter, according to NM.  "as more comes out....due to my immature decisions."  Immature?  WOW, that's a complete mischaracterization.  You've all read my childhood, was she just "immature"?  Again, sounds like excuses, just for NM this time.   And the whole sentence there is convoluted.  SHE won't judge and SHE knows the "real truth" and if I knew that "truth" (which she likes to withhold, but clearly likes to hint at.  NM likes to be "in the know".) I wouldn't be so horrible and "hold it against" NSIS (and again, she's ignoring the fact that NSIS continually and habitually does horrible things to me).    The next bit about how NSIS just "chose to react" differently and all she says about my pain and hardship feels completely minimizing to me.  Like "I know you had some bad times, but CLEARLY NSIS's were worse.  And so you need to get over it and help her."  It's all about NSIS's issues, and mine couldn't clearly be as bad, and aren't worth talking about and it's the same as it ever was.  This is the same. damn. pattern of our relationship that we've always had.  Jessie's feelings, pain, issues, hardships don't really count.  And while she "nods" in my direction, she doesn't really give a shit about what is really going on in my end of this situation.  It's ALL about NSIS.  NSIS is (finally) doing a teeny bit to get her life on track and I'm supposed to throw her a parade.  And because I never inflicted my "pain" on NM or NSIS, than clearly it wasn't that bad.  

And then NM again references "stupid choices".  She didn't make stupid choices.  She abandoned her kids, put her feelings first, ignored everything that was going on with us, inflicted emotional pain by forcing us to chose between "her feelings" and "not supporting her new marriage"- to the man she had an affair with, and has continued to make sure that EVERYTHING revolves around her.  This was one stupid choice 20 years ago.  This is a lifetime of being a selfish and self absorbed mother who can't empathize with her daughter to save her life.  She has done nothing to remedy things, has never truly taken responsibility, or attempted to heal herself or work on things.

And even though, clearly, her mothering effected my sister, it does not excuse the years of her treating me horribly as adults.  I tried and tried and tried to fix this relationship.  And nothing worked.  I tried to be OK with being completely marginalized, ignored, and verbally abused, manipulated, lied to and walking on eggshells.  And I left because, at some point, it became her or me.  So, yes, I can empathize with NSIS (and shouldn't NM be able to realize that?  That I GET IT that NSIS has issues?) but I won't tolerate being abused by her because of it. 

This last message left me tongue tied.  Several things came to mind.  And yes, part of me was angry.  All I see here is a pity-party for poor NM who was really just a "victim" in her mind.  How badly NM hurts.  How Nm feels.  What NM needs.  And a lot of excuses for NSIS.  A lot of asking me to completely brush my feelings and concerns under the rug and go back to the way it was (mainly for NM's sake, not for our own sakes.)    I drafted several responses, but they clearly were reactive and I didn't want that.  I wanted to respond in a way that made sure she knows that this sort of weak attempt at apologizing (and manipulating me) is not going to work.  And that she knows her offering up an apology for my sister's shitty relationship with me is not acceptable.  It is neither appropriate or OK.  It is complete triangulation and an attempt to control the adult relationships of her daughters.  And it's none of her business. 

On a positive note, even though I am bothered by this email, I have not been leveled by it.  I feel myself responding instead of just reacting to her behavior.  I don't feel particularly hurt, although I am angry and annoyed (both feelings I allowed myself to feel and am trying to process and let go).  Although there is lots of "pretenses" of caring her on my mother's part, I don't see any real change. This is how the relationship with my mother and sister had been all along.  And NM is just working at being "peace" broker for her own needs (to feel good about herself, she loves to "rescue" and to make herself feel better about her "stupid choices").  She needs to learn to butt the fuck out.   I did not feel sucked into her bullshit, although I did feel a moment of panic that she was trying to attempt a real relationship (that fear immediately went away after I read the whole exchange.  There is no real effort on her part.) 

I feel saddened by all of this, but not defeated (like I would have).  But I do need advice on what to say next.  I don't want to JADE.  I don't want to explain.  And I want her to butt the hell out.  Any suggestions or thoughts?  Anything is appreciated.