Letter to MIL

Things have changed from one year ago.  Things are better than they were when I started this blog.  I have so many things I want to write about, healing things, changing things, ways that I am better (if not the situation.  Which I've come to decide will never be "better".  I can only hope to manage it.)  It's not easy now.  It's not without strife and pain.  But I'm not on the floor.  I'm not on the edge.  I'm not ready to jump off.

I have lots to update on.  Lots to write about my NM and Nsis.  I need to just to a "facts" update to catch everyone up.  But that will be later.  I am in a place of more peace with my NM and NSis.  I think I'm managing with them (which in a lot of ways because I am managing without them.)  They are not different, but I am.  I have worked through some issues with my father.  Well, not with him, but some issues within myself with him.  Again, it's a work in progress, but there is an, overall, progress.  Maybe not linear.  Maybe it's back and forth.  But I think the overall direction is forward for me.

But there is one person (well one and my association and enmeshment the family related) who I'm still struggling with.  Whom I still can't seem to let get under my skin.  I don't know why she annoys me still so much.  Why I can't figure out how to manage my feelings about her better.  Why she still just plain pisses me off.  So, I'm going to write out this letter to my narcy-MIL.  A letter I will never send, but if she should ever ask (and hell will most likely be frozen over) why I dislike her so much, why we have such a strained relationship, I'll have worked out my thoughts before hand.  (I apologize in advance to any readers, the letter will most likely be disjointed and disconnected).

Dear MIL,

I know you feel that there is tension between us.  I know you think I am a difficult daughter-in-law.  I know that you worry and fret and stress because you just don't know what to do.  I know you have expressed concerns to family members about me.  Their words to me, although not direct, make it clear that you have been discussing me.

From the beginning you were never interested in getting to know me.  You were never interested in a relationship with me.  You never wanted to grow and bond and learn about each other.  You were not interested in developing a friendship with me.  Or making memories together.  You were interested in having a relationship but you wanted it to be instantaneous.  Automatic.  A nicely labeled partnership.  You were interested in keeping me under wraps.

You spent a lot of time telling me about your family.  I got a lot of "lessons".  History lessons about you, your son (my husband), his brothers, your life, their childhood.  You rarely asked about me.  Even to this day you rarely ask about me.  And if you do, it's all gushy and phony and I know you won't remember a damn thing about it.  If I told a story, you topped it.  "OH, you danced?  OH, (DH) one a dance contest ONCE."  (emphasis mine.)  Everything wrapped back to you.  I felt like I was being read the "welcome" manual.  Like the list of things I needed to know to be in the family.  But you didn't want to hear about me.  You never listened, you never asked.  You often spoke about me to DH in third person, as I sat there.  "OH, (DH) is that shirt Jessie is wearing from that winery you and I were talking about."  (This was a double wammy.  Not only was she talking about me as if I wasn't standing right there, but also making sure I knew he had been discussing things with her.)  You made sure I understood how your family acted, the rituals, the expected behaviors.  How to "fit in" with the group.  You weren't interested in welcoming me.  Or making me feel comfortable.  You wanted to convert me.  You never appreciated my discomfort at your family's loud, brash ways.  And if you did, you implied I was somehow "weird" for behaving with manners and respect.  Making me a black sheep.  Implying both to your family and me that I was somehow "foreign".

After family lessons, you worked on converting me.  Since you didn't know me, it never occurred to you (or you simply didn't care) that I may have done things differently.  That I had different feelings and view points and thoughts.  I think I'll learn towards the side of you not caring about my viewpoints.  Because if you respected and cared for them, you wouldn't have been concerned with changing me.  You wanted me to be Christian.  You pushed your views on me.  You sat me down and told me God had sent you messages for me.  That he was talking to me through you.  At the time, I was young and vulnerable and wanted so badly to fit it.  I remember fidgeting nervously at my reflection in the mirror before I met you.  I wanted so badly to have a family, to fit in.  To be liked by you.  At the time, I felt touched that God was even reaching me at all. I had felt so lonely and abandoned and desperate after my family broke up.  I wanted to be loved and it felt like love.  It felt like love that you wanted to Baptize me, even if it was clear that you wanted your son's wife to be baptized before she married him.  You pressured me to say I accepted beliefs, despite knowing I felt questions, to slap a label on me.  To make me worthy.  And you insinuated over and over that I wasn't worthy enough.  You made it clear that you thought my SIL was amazing:  Christian, an athlete, blond.  All things I am not.  You made it clear that I was not Christian enough.  You made it clear through many mean and public comments on my chest size.  You made it clear every time you criticized me in those first years.  You had taught your family that "teasing people" was a bonding thing.  So you "teased" (read picked on people for physical attributes like being fat or skinny or having no boobs) people.  There is a whole separate post on how I am angry about how you set up your disabled son as the scapegoat.  Or how you made your other son such a momma's boy he can't do anything without you.  Lots of things I've seen you do to others.  But this is about me (and frankly the post would be WAY TOO LONG to include it all.).  So you teased me.  Criticized me.  Got angry when I didn't take your suggestions about my wedding.  You badgered me.  You've harassed me about having "your grandkids".  You've pointed out my flaws, in a subtle and "loving" way to me and my DH and god knows who else.  You wanted to change me.  To make me one of you.  How in the hell is that supposed to make me feel?  It makes me feel like I was never good enough for you.  Like who I was, was unimportant, not valued and wrong.  Even today you do not know me at all.  You would struggle to tell me the name of my step mother.  You know nothing about me or who I am.

You've long been jealous of me. You set that up from the beginning.  From the first year or so, when you sat me down and told me about your SIL who never allowed your MIL to see her son.  Who horrible it was.  How sad MIL was.  How awful SIL was.  An awful bitch who keep MIL from her grandkids and son.  You repeated this story.  How SIL never tried to be part of the family.  All you son's felt the same way about their aunt.  You told me how fearful you were of that happening to your sons.  How you never wanted to be "that MIL" so you would do anything to keep them close.  To you, you thought that meant a "good MIL".  But that was your version of a good MIL: one who never said no (but resented people taking advantage of her), held her tongue (but complained to everyone else), and stayed out of the way (but really inserted herself every chance she got).  You attempted to manipulate me and everyone around me to keep this from happening.  You're jealousy and your fear have driven almost every interaction with me.  You have been so fearful of "losing your son" that you attempted to control everything about the situation.

When your attempts to convert me started to quite working, you worked on sabotaging me.  You bad talked me.  You set me up to have incidents with family members.  You've gossiped and talked badly about me. You gossip about everyone.  Everyone.  You invaded my privacy.  You walked in on me several times in my bedroom without asking.  You spread information I told you to other family members.  You talked about personal parts of my body.  Then you implied I was uptight.

When that didn't work, you decided to become me.  You copied me.  You did everything I did.  You flattered me and talked me up to everyone, especially DH.  You exclaimed how wonderful I was.  I often tell DH I should just write you a manual, as you've tried so desperately.

You have tried to control me and DH.  You've pushed us (especially DH) to back you up, or to speak your words as if they were his own.  You badgered me about grand kids, and when to get married, and pushed your family traditions on me (so it could be like DH had it growing up!).  You had to be informed of everything.  You loved to rub it in my face when DH had talked to about something personal.  You acted as if it was a victory.  Consequently, he doesn't tell you anything any more.  He knows you have a big mouth.  You've never been a confidant, a supporter, a listener for him.  You've always used knowledge about others to make yourself important.  You want to be on top, that's why you have to be controlling.  You want to be the sun and have other's orbit around you.

I'm angry with some of the ways you've raised your son.  You never taught him to feel emotions or even allow them.  Consequently, he struggles with anger at times.  He sees every negative emotion as anger, and that is not allowed.  He is defensive.  It has taken a lot of hard work for him and me to work through that and teach him to handle things better.  It has been a struggle.  I hate that your attempts to make life easy for your sons, meant you did a lot of things for them.  You taught them that mothers just did it all, all the time.  You didn't teach him or his brothers to recognize other's emotions well.   You taught him to give in to his spoiled, selfish side.  (For the record, the boy I met that became my husband is not the same person now.  It has taken many, many years of work for us to get to a healthier state.  And I wasn't there either.)  You taught your sons to sell someone out if it meant looking good (moral, kind) to someone else.  You taught them that family ALWAYS came first and that all requests of family HAD to be granted.  You've never accepted that we are now 5 separate, but related families, but expect us to still function as one unit.  You have never allowed your boys to grow up, yet you agonize when they are too dependent on you.  You have never encouraged individuation or appreciated uniqueness in your kids (or DILs).  You value sameness and oneness.  To you, being different is being wrong.  So if we like to be different than you, you see it as being wrong.  That is probably why you've tried to be me.  Since you couldn't convert me, you figured being like me would make us the same again and there fore, right.  You have tore at every boundary any one has tried to put on you.  You demand that no one has any boundaries.

Even now your emotionless-ness amazes me.  You have an uncanny ability to not be able to see anything from someone else's perspective.  You are cold and dry in difficult moments.  You never said a word, not one word to me on my wedding day to your son.  On the day we buried your MIL, your calm, almost serene face made me shiver.  You never seemed sad or caring towards the pain of your husband.  Even DH said you seemed like you were at a wedding, not a funeral.   But for you, the process of her death was difficult and you were, clearly, glad it was over.  And while that was understandable, it blinded you completely to the feelings of others.  You've always put your feelings first.  You've always worried about your discomfort, or excitement, or happiness first.  At weddings, at funerals, at the births of grand children, your obliviousness to anyone else around you was...saddening.  DH used to describe you as just "the mother of boys", like you were just tougher.  But I've seen that emotionless-ness on my own NM.  And I see it in you.

I see it now with my kids, your "precious" grand kids.  The kids you hold ransom by promising a toy at the end of the meal, knowing full well that it will keep the kids by your side.  The kids that you are so oblivious to the feelings of that you think the baby was laughing and not crying (not that you checked to tell).  The kids that you demand to be around but never actually invest in.  You don't get to know them, or chat with them, or really play with them.  You sit near them and talk at them "Grammy just thinks your the best!" over and over.  She talks about them.  But she doesn't send cards or gifts or do special things.  Only if it benefits her.  She would never give a toy that she couldn't personally hand over (although she tosses the toy to the kid in the walmart sack, not bothering to help them open it.)  She misses emotional cues and boundary clues with them.  My son was long been overwhelmed by her.  She grabs them and demands they sit on her lap and grabs at their food.  She expects no boundaries.   She demanded kisses from my son, despite his obvious discomfort.  She likes being a grandma, demanding my son take pictures so she can show her friends (seriously).  She likes showing them off and talking about them to people.  But she hasn't invested at all in them.  It is clearly all about getting her needs met.

You've been rude, inviting others to things you shouldn't have.   You've taken liberties you shouldn't.  You find subtle ways to criticize me or imply that I don't measure up to you.  You take opportunities to belittle my accomplishments ("Well, this is good lasagna, but I make really good spaghetti.")  You buy my ridiculous gifts in efforts to impress me, but clearly know nothing about me.  You have blamed me for all the problems in our relationship and I've seen little that you've changed, other than you've changed tactics.  You compliment me (to DH), you apologize (to DH) when you've wronged me (but not me), you gush over me and tell DH how much you like me, or like what I do.  You've sent FIL to be your flying monkey and get your way.  You've made it look like you are trying.   You may have fooled others, but not me.

I wish I could say these things to your face.  But the FEW times I have tried to talk to you, you have gotten defensive and stormed away.  You've said some very mean things or childish things when confronted.  You never accept responsibility and you've NEVER apologized for anything.  I mean, every mortal fuck's up once and awhile and says they are sorry, but not you.  You continue to play this surfacy game of everything's OK and refuse to have any confrontation at all.  You run away.  You pretend we are one, big happy family.  You sweep it all under the rug and play the part.  You've never had a real interaction with me in all these years.  You act like a child if anyone teases you, or says anything less than flattering.  You never once admit you have flaws or things to work on.  And god forbid anyone say that either.

It upsets me that I have to be the "bad one".  That I take all the responsibility.  But in reality you set me up from the beginning.  I tried, desperately, to please you.  I went on family trips, I bit my tongue when my feelings were trampled on or beliefs laughed off.  I tried to get along.  I did the things I was suppose to.  I just couldn't sell me soul.  I couldn't be something I'm not.  And I know that you will never, ever accept that. But you are my husband's mother.  And I have to accept that you will always be around.    Your fear that I would take your son was created by you so that you would always look like the good guy.  But in doing so, you made me the bad guy and your enemy.  I was never your enemy and it pisses me off  that you were damned determined to make me that.

Stronger

Some days I feel stronger.  Most days I don't.  Lots of days I'm depressed and sad and exhausted.  Just so plain tired.  But sometimes I feel a bit stronger.

Upsi commented the other day on my conversation about my dad that she was impressed that I could say something.  Truth be told, so was I.  I actually had to stop myself, collect myself, gather my courage and circle back around to his statement (He was talking about writing both me and my sister off because he couldn't get a hold of us.  However, while my sister is just ignoring him unless she needs him, I'd made several attempts to get back to him.  I felt he was painting us both with the same stroke and it felt very unfair.).  After I stated my piece, I felt winded.  I shook.  I trembled.  I felt a bit surprised at myself.   I didn't get any validation back from my father, but at least I didn't get nastiness in return.  The thing was, it took all my energy and strength to say something to him.  Something, that in the grand scheme of things, shouldn't have been that big of a deal.  But I had almost felt my knees buckle.  And the whole thing challenged me so much, that later in the phone call, when he said something that bothered me equally as bad, I couldn't say anything.

His second comment bothered me for days.  And that seems to be more the "normal" course of my interactions with people.  Someone says something hurtful, or mean, or spiteful and I'm left dumbstruck.  Unable to say anything.  These incidents would wear on me, drain me, and I would still be hurting by a lot of them, many years later.

I've recently been thinking about why these things bother me so much.  Comments that were said so far in the past often feel like freshly opened wounds.  Why?  Why couldn't I let it go?

One such incident happened almost 14 years ago.  I had been dating my (now) DH for about a year.  We were at a party in his honor.  Around 50 of his family and friends were in attendance in a smallish room.  My (now) MIL was sitting at a table with her sisters a bit away from where I was.  Suddenly there was uproarious laughter.    Someone asked what was going on.  Oh, nothing, nothing they said.  But they kept laughing.    The whole room was now paying attention to the table.  We pressed again to know what was so funny.   MIL spoke up and said "Oh, was just telling them how I read a study that laughing could increase your breast size.  And I told them that (DH) must not make Jessie laugh very much!!!".  This was followed by more cackling and laughing.

I was humiliated and embarrassed.  I had been held up as a public joke in front of 50 people.  It stung, I was mortified, but I stood there laughing too.  I was really still just a girl and I had no idea how to react.  It took me a long time to sort through my feelings on it.  At first, directly after the incident, DH dismissed it as "just a joke".  It hadn't felt like a joke to me.  Over the years, I would circle back to this example when discussing my MIL with DH.  I would point to this example as her being harsh.  A few years later, he said, "Well, if it bothered you, you should've told her you are sensitive about your chest."  But the things is, I'm NOT sensitive about my chest.  While I'm no where near top heavy and I'd been insecure in the past, I had come to terms with my body as it was.   It wasn't about me or my chest.  It took me several more years to come around to the fact that what bothered me is that I felt she had bullied me.  She had used me as a punchline to get herself a couple of laughs.   She had humiliated me in front of tons of people for her own fun.  I had felt like the "new girl" in a room full of popular girls in the lunch room.  There they all were pointing and laughing at me.  She had taken a moment where she was comfortable, surrounded by people she knew, to put me down.  DH has come around to understanding why I was so hurt, but we both struggled with why I was still so upset about it.

And recently, it dawned on me.  I was really angry at myself.  I mean, I was angry with her too, deservedly so.  But I really was mad at myself.  I was mad I stood there.  I was mad I took it.  I was angry that I didn't stand up for myself.  And in this incident, and many more like it, I find myself agonizing over it for days (or weeks or months).  Replaying it in my head and beating myself up for not responding differently.   I'm angry that I've allowed people to treat me like shit over and over and I just take it.  When I was a child, I didn't have a lot of resources to protect myself, but as an adult, I should've been able to defend myself.  I should've stood up for myself.  I should've valued myself more than to allow someone to treat me like that.

The times I've stood up for myself have never been easy either.  I sometimes have obsessed for days about saying something, hoping I wasn't mean, hoping I wasn't offensive.  Shaking with my anxiety. Wondering if I had had a right to say something.   But after a few days, I'm able to let it go. It's those times when I don't stand up for myself that I'm haunted.

I want to stand up more for myself.  I want to do it in a way that's respectful (not for their sake, but because that's who I want to be), dignified, and maintains my integrity.  I want to put a stop to being bullied.  I want to learn to speak up.  I don't want to live with my regrets or my feelings that if I don't stand up for myself, I'm devaluing myself.  If I can't defend myself, who will?  I want to be stronger.

So, How Did it Go?

First, and foremost, I want to thank all my blogger friends for reaching out, offering support, extending comfort, and checking in.  I have no doubt that this support helped me maintain my strength and boundaries through the weekend of narcs.   I also want to apologize for the next post, as it may not be as coherent and linear as I would like.  In fact, most of my posts are a bit rambling (and I often shudder at the grammar and spelling errors I see when I reread them).  But, I like to write from the heart and not over-think them too much.  And I've committed myself to not worrying about perfection and presentation, but rather just content and honesty.  So, sorry if any of that has made my posts difficult to understand.

NSis never showed for the party.  I never believed she would.  She lives quite a distance away, has no "vacation" time, and if she doesn't work, she doesn't get payed.  So, I knew that the suggestion that NSis was coming was purely an attempt by NM to stir up drama and put focus back on my NSis.  To highlight who "really" needed the family attention at the moment.  And it was clear she felt that that person was not my young child.  Regardless, one less narc to worry about.

NM was relatively well behaved.  She didn't start out the weekend with her usual "I'll show up whenever the hell I feel like it" attitude, and actually let me know their expected arrival time.  She is ALWAYS texting me when I go to her home and demands hourly check ins so she can see where we are.  I never minded giving her a time we would arrive.  But I didn't like tracked.  But when she was coming here, she would refuse to answer my texts and wouldn't tell me at all when she was coming.  Or she would grossly over estimate, and show up three hours earlier.  Anyway, she was considerate this time.

She only brought up my sister once.  Well, OK, not only once.  She slipped in little comments here and there.   She took a video of my kids and sent it to NSis's phone.  She said I should send NSis a copy of a photo I took.  She always likes to proclaim how important my kids are to NSis.  How much NSis likes them.  Really?  Could've fooled me.  But I can see this triangulation for what it is now.  Anyway, the one time she brought up NSis and her cancer, it went like this:

NM:  I talked to your NSis today on the way down.
Me:  Oh.
NM:  She said to tell you "hi".  (Translation:  guilt, guilt, and more guilt.  See, NSis is thinking about you.  See she cares about you.  She said to say HI!  Isn't she wonderful?!)
Me:  Oh?
NM:  She really would like you to call her.  (Translation:  you are being a huge, selfish bitch by not calling.  You really need to be the "bigger person"-a NM favorite phrase.  She needs you.  You are not performing your duties)
Me:   Oh.  Well, you had told me that she didn't want to talk to family members about it and she hadn't called Dad and...
NM: (interrupting me)  Yes, but she REALLY wants you to call.  (Forget what I told you before.  She's waiting for your call.  You need to reach out to her.  You need call.  You haven't taken her bait, so I'll repeat what your obligation is to your sister.)
Me:  Well, she can always call me...
NM:  (interrupting again) Well, it's really between you two.  I don't want to be in the middle of it.

At this point, NM scampered away as I tried to continue the conversation.  She had said her piece.  She, of course, wanted to be in the middle of it.  That's why she brought it up.  She wanted to be in the middle of it, but not have me say anything.  She was all on NSis's side and blaming me as usual.  And when I tried to explain my boundaries, she ran away.  It was probably for the best.  I don't owe her an explanation for what I do.  It did make me sad, momentarily, that with my close relative's death and my son's birthday and everything else, that all she can see is what is important for NSis.  Same old, same old I guess.

NM didn't say another word about it.  She did make some sly comments about how her "anxiety" was finally wavering.  She tried to get Estepdad to agree with how "strong" she is.  She pushed and pushed the issue with him until he finally told her "I'm not playing your little games".  Yay, step dad!  I almost wonder if he hadn't felt a little encouraged himself.  He and I and DH had refused to play her games all weekend.  I didn't rise to her bait.  I didn't argue.  I didn't turn negative.  When she brought up the same old stories over and over, I listened, nodded, and changed the subject.  When she threw out that we cater to stepdad, but not her, I politely disagreed.  In a way that she couldn't argue back with.   I was so proud of my strength.  I was so proud that I didn't let her under my skin.  It actually was a relatively pleasant visit.  It gave me hope.  Not hope that she will change, or we will have a relationship.  Just hope that I can do this and she won't run my life anymore.

She did try a couple things with my son, which pissed me off.  She always brings gifts for when she arrives.   When DS asked if she had gifts for the party, she said "Nope.  You opened them.  You wanted to open them, so now your done.  That's all there is."  She sat there watching him squirm.  Watching his discomfort as he tried to figure out if she was kidding or not.  And if she had been kidding, she sure didn't let on.  She was as cold as ice.  Of course, she thinks she's funny.  I did not.  I immediately jumped in.  Assured my son that grandma had gifts for the next day.  That she shouldn't tease him like that.  Other than this incidence, she behaved herself with him.

The party was a whole other story.  I had been so busy preparing for the narc attack from the front, I was not prepared for the narc attack from the rear.  BIL and SIL are selfish people.  Spoiled brats who always run on their own schedule and own time.  They use my in-laws as their personal nanny.  They require constant help with their children and act very put out when they are totally responsible.  They are entitled and childish.  So, when my in-laws should up with the kids, instead of BIL and SIL, I wasn't surprised.  It upset me that my son's aunt and uncle blew off the party, but I wasn't surprised.   NMIL bounced up with the kids, saying that BSIL (for short) had shopping to do for a big vacation they are taking without their kids.  She said they'd show up later.  So, as everyone sat around watching me set up the party, the littlest kid started getting into things he shouldn't.  I removed him, twice.  I sat down to feed my kids.  The other parents and my in-laws dropped off two more kids with me to eat.  So, here I am, hosting a party and feeding four toddlers.    Awesome.  No one could get the littlest to eat and the all assumed someone else was doing it (BSIL), so he kept getting into food I'd stashed under the table.  I removed him, again.   SIL jumps up to the littlest kid and says "oh!  it's OK, it's OK".  You'd thought I beat the kid instead of kindly removing him from the stash of goodies.  This was my first inkling that something was wrong with her.  While she's never the most pleasant person, she's usually friendly enough.   Neither she nor BIL acknowledged me at all.  The whole party.  They never said hello or anything else for that matter.  Their kids kept disappearing.  I didn't feel it was my responsibility to look all over for the park for them, so I just going with my schedule (I wanted the three remaining kids to be able to go and play, so I was trying to get the food/cake/presents done).   SIL kept reappearing and disappearing.  You could see her coming, causing a HUGE dramatic scene without saying a word (it really was impressive to watch how much attention she could command just by stomping around...that is, if it wasn't at my kids party.)  BIL disappeared before the cake and never showed back up. And this guy's usually Mr. Life-of-the-Party.  It was all so strange.  Finally, SIL stomps up to my son as they are playing, and coldly says Happy Birthday, thanks for the invite, and that she's leaving.  Neither one of them said a damn word of good-bye to me or DH (this is DH's brother-his "closest" brother).

The whole thing infuriated me.  I was appalled at their childishness.  I was irate that they would distract so much from their nephew's party.  I was appalled that they couldn't put aside whatever the hell was up their asses, in order to celebrate DS.  I was confused.  Had I done something?  Was SIL mad that I had disciplined her kid?  I didn't feel I'd done anything wrong.  Someone had to do it.  I was kind to the child.  I have a right to ask him to not get into my things.  Was SIL mad at DH?  She was very rude when DH said hello.  She has some issue with him but will not talk about it with him.  Sometimes she's nice to him, sometimes she's hostile.  You never know what you're going to get.  DH has confronted her before.  She always claims to not know what he is talking about.  How convenient.  Why had BIL been such an ass?

We continued on with the party.  Towards the end, I started cleaning up.  I cleaned up the ENTIRE party by myself.  Three adults sat around and watched as I packed up, made a million trips to the car packed a block away, and loaded it all myself.  The literally sat on their asses and watched.  Only my step father helped me carry the heaviest stuff (DH was with my kids).   I was annoyed, but NMIL pushed me into pissed off.  She had sat watching me.  When there was one small box left, she came up and offered to help.  I look around at the empty grass.  I told her that I'd finished.  She said "But Oh!  I'd like to help!  What can I do?!"  WTF lady?  Are you blind?  You sat two feet from me.  Watched me haul it all out.  And THEN offer to help.  And I guess you could chalk it up to be inattentive (I don't, but I guess you could).  Or her being exhausted by the relatives illness and death.  But here's the thing:  she did the exact same thing to me at my other child's party three months ago.  She sat around and watched me set it all up.  She watched me clean it all up.  She then asked to help.  And when I told her it was done (look around lady, do you see any food?  or tables? or garbage?  What the hell do you want to help with?)  she kept insisting she wanted to help.  She must think I'm a fool.  Well, someone's a fool, and it sure the hell isn't me.

And a little more about NMIL's behavior at the party. She never offered to help me set up either.  Instead, as I'm laying out food, she makes a huge deal about some dog poop and needing to pick it up.  Asking me for a napkin and then grabbing at my things.   She made a big deal about not being able to find the garbage (it was two feet away).  She made it sound like she was inconvienced by the lack of garbage.  She covered for SIL and BIL, making excuses (I call it lying) for them.  She went around the party and explained in detail the last moments of the close relatives death.  How hard it was.  The medicine the used.  The pain this person was in.  How she hoped the mortician could do something with the corpse.  I was disgusted.  Not only was it completely inappropriate to be sharing this information with  people, she was doing it at a child's birthday party.  It was clearly her chance to bask in the glory.  She can't make conversation about anything pleasant, she she trots out the garbage.  And makes herself look like the kind martyr to boot.  Ick, ick, ick.

You'd think this would be the end of it.  Ship everyone home and continue on.  But we had the funeral with BIL and SIL.  And you know what?  SIL was as sweet as punch.  Acted like nothing had ever happened.  I would've called her ass out but refused to disrespect the close relative.  This was not the time or place.  I just ignored SIL, stayed as far from her as I could and remained distanced.  BIL never said a word to me.  Didn't say hello, goodbye, or anything.  Avoided me completely.  That's his M.O.  Just ignore everybody and everything until he thinks it's blown over.  DH had gone over the night before and said they'd been the same with him.  His conclusion, and I think it's right, was that SIL and BIL were fighting.  This infuriated me more.  That they couldn't put aside some marital squabble to focus on their nephew.  That they had to attract all the attention to themselves and make a scene.  That they couldn't suck it up for two hours.  I was livid then and I'm livid now.  And this isn't the first time they've done this.  At DS's 1st birthday, they showed up two hours late because they were mad at my in-laws.  SIL showed up last year, but then had to leave because she'd forgotten something.  They are always late to almost everything we do together (we don't do much together anymore as a result).  BIL blows us off if he finds something better to do.  He is enmeshed with his family and tries to dictate how DH and I run our home (who's invited over, when, how we interact with other relatives).  He's a gossip and been called out on it, but refused to see his blame in it.  The only good point, if you can call it that, is that DH really got to see him for what he is this weekend.  And as a side note:  When I rushed into the church (I drove with my kids by myself) a bit flushed, and was standing with the family preparing to enter for the service, NMIL leaned over and whispered a joke about how someone was teasing someone else about facial hair.  I was stunned.  And saddened.  How freaking inappropriate!  This was the only thing she said to me.

So, there you have it.  That's my weekend.  Sorry for the long, probably over-detailed, post.  I was exhausted at the end.  Completely depleted.  But I feel better today.  I feel "wholer".  I feel more confident and strong than I have in a long time.  I'm starting to feel grown up.  Baby steps, but still steps.

NMIL Evens Things Out

I feel like I've written more lately about my NMIL than my NM, who is actually much more forthright in her narcissism.  I guess, the reality is, that it's much easier to see it coming with NM.  She doesn't hide it all very well, and she lacks a any subtlety  in the way she goes about it.  The result is that she is a very isolated, lonely person with no friends and little family support.  She is prickly and offensive and if she doesn't have far to stray to isolate herself from everyone.  It was easy to pin her as a NM, easy to see that she contributed immensely to our problems, easier for me not to completely blame myself.  NMIL is much more crafty.  She hides behind her "Christianity" and her kindness and her generosity and her selflessness.  She is tolerated by lots of people.  Often she is more than tolerated.  Many people say they enjoy her (even if she is controlling, loud, overbearing in their words).  Her sons adore her.  I couldn't not pin myself on why I couldn't get along with her.  I thought I just had a very conflicting personality with her.  I thought I was crazy.  Regardless, finally coming to grips with the fact that she has many narcissistic traits and, in my mind, is a full-blown narcissist has freed me.  But I've processed my thoughts on her for a much shorter time as I've only recently come to my conclusions on her.

Anyway, NMIL likes to even things out.  This is a trait she gets from her parents.  She believes all of her children should be equal.  Meaning they should have the same material possessions, experiences, and opportunities regardless of what the child actually contributes.  My husband and I work hard, budget a lot, sacrifice and save, plan, and make good decisions.  For this, we are punished.  We are expected to contribute more than our share to family functions.  We are expected to give more.  We are expected to be more supportive, thoughtful, generous to our siblings as we have been "given" more.  Now, I have NO problem being generous and helping out.  However, I hate being FORCED to be generous to people who make no sacrifices, spend willynilly, save nothing, spend on new cars and expensive things (on credit) and generally do everything they can to NOT further there own position.  My husband's siblings are reckless with money, impulsive, make poor choices and NMIL expects us to help bail them out.

A simple example of this happened after one of my husband's brothers got married.  That evening, me, husband, NMIL, EFIL, two brothers-in-law, sister-in-law, aunt and uncle-in-law, and husbands two cousins went to have a bite and a beer.  It was late.  Husband and I were actually going alone and everyone else invited themselves along.  We were not in an area suitable for children.  So, when we walked into the establishment we were told that the two cousins, who were under age, had to leave.  Again, husband and I were already going to this place, everyone else tagged alone (it had been a LONG weekend and we needed to unwind).  There were no other places besides bars to go.  But NMIL became upset.  Aunt and Uncle were upset.  Everyone complained.  I'm not sure what we were supposed to do, but I got the feeling that we were all supposed to leave.  At the time I didn't have children, but having them now, I know that if this had been the case with me, I would've left.  I wouldn't have expected everyone else to not have a beer at 9:30 at night because of my kids.  Anyway, the kids left but not their parents.  Husband split a sandwich with SIL. He also had one beer.  I had one glass of wine out of a bottle that my other BIL drinks the rest of.  Everyone else orders food and pitchers of beer.  Then the check arrives.  NMIL instantly exclaims that the aunt and uncle should not have to pay.  They were inconvenienced and their pitcher should be bought for them.  She then orders BIL (who drank a bottle of wine and food) to put his money away because he doesn't have any. Husband and I throw down more than enough (by a lot) to cover our half a sandwich, beer, and glass of wine) and a $20 tip (we worked in the service industry and never like to screw a waitress when there is a big party).  BIL and SIL barely cover there bill, no tip.  NMIL and EF barely cover their bill and leave a meager tip.  She forks over no money for the three people she claims shouldn't have to pay.  Of course, we come up short and there is no money for a tip.  NMIL and EF start complaining that they have paid more than enough all weekend and refuse to pay more.  Well, yes, they have paid for hotel rooms, food, the wedding, and a bunch of other stuff.  But not for hubby and I.  We paid our own gas, food, hotel, and all other expenditures.  Husband's brothers have mooched food, free hotels, clothing for the wedding and wine tour fees.  The BIL who got married expected his parents to pay for everything and maintained no budget.  I see why they were annoyed (and in fact, husband and I discussed that BIL was milking money for the wedding before the wedding with his parents).  What I don't see is why that was MY problem.  I don't see why NMILs eyes are boring holes into me and husband.  I don't understand why she expected us (and to be fair, BIL and SIL) to pick up the whole tab.   And she knows BIL and SIL won't pick up more than their share.  As a disclaimer, I have no problem with the money, it had nothing to do with the money.  I have no problem picking up a tab.  I just hate being forced to.  I hate paying a penalty because NMIL feels bad that we chose a place (the only place) that was inconvenient for aunt and uncle.  I don't see why we need to cover little BIL because he "has no money".  I didn't like that EF was complaining about all the money he spent, so NMIL felt guilty and was taking it out on us.  None of this is my problem.  And this wasn't the first (or last) time this has happened.  I just was so tired of being forced to cover for people who wouldn't do the same for me.  Tired of having my hard earned (and hard saved) dollars go to cover reckless people.  Husband and I stood our ground as we'd already payed more than our fair share over the weekend.  We had payed completely for ourselves (plus a lot of extras) but were being treated like moochers.  I was so angry.  Finally, EF states that he just won't tip the waitress since she wouldn't serve the kids.  "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!"  I wanted to scream.  So, husband and I threw down $60 more, as I won't screw the poor waitress.  In the end, we pay $100 for a glass of wine, beer, and half a sandwich.   Oh, and all NMIL's guilt and feelings of fairness.

Narcs playing Nice

I think one of the hardest things to wrap my head around was the fact that the narc is not a horrible person ALL of the time.  When I tried to play out if my Mom and MIL were narcs, it was so hard because I could recall so many of the nice things they'd done for me.  Not every interaction with them was horrible.  Not every experience was bad, and in fact, I can recall a lot of good memories.  It was just that I couldn't shake the stressful feeling, the anxiety, I had before and after every interaction with them.  I couldn't pin point the source of that feeling, because nothing that horrible had happened.

I think it's easy to say that Narcs can be generous, sweet, thoughtful people with people outside their own family.  I think it goes without saying that the golden child will be treated well.  My mom and MIL both are viewed by a lot of people as great mothers and grandmothers, sisters, wives, and daughters.   My MIL actually has a lot of friends and has been defended to me by several.  They all see the generous, fun loving, person.  Of course they do.  If she was such a horrible person, it would be quite difficult to maintain her narc supply.  Being adored and thought highly of is important in maintaining their position.  If they were mean to everyone, verbally abused everyone all the time, showed their true selves to everyone, they'd be lonely old women.  Maintaining this image to the "public" also helps them justify to themselves that it is us not them.  If everyone else thinks they are wonderful, it is easy for them to rationalize that there is no need to change or alter their behavior.  The problems lay squarely on the backs of everyone else.

But if I thought they were these malignant people I thought they were, how could I explain their nice behavior towards me.  I think first and foremost, no one is all bad.  Few people are truly  completely horrible monsters.  And of course, if they were, people would avoid them like the plague.  I think a lot of their good deeds are manipulations to  maintain that contact with both their narc supply and their outlet for their anger.  They provide just enough love, warmth, family that it keeps me bound to them.  If they lost me (or in MIL's case, my husband and kids), they would loose that narc supply. A lot of it is just a survival mechanism for them.  However,  I think sometimes my mom really does want to do nice things for me.  I think she thinks of me.  I think she cares for me.  The problem is that she cares for me because it is important to HER.  Not because she just cares for me.  She will do really nice things for me but there will be always be a catch.  She does nice things and then expects a payback.  And if there is no payback, then she can play the victim or the martyr.  She does nice things in order to hold it over my head.  I don't think she sets out thinking "If I buy Jessie this scarf, she'll have to do something nice for me."  But I do think she does things in an effort to "bank" points in her column.  It gives her a way to rationalize what a great mom she is.  It gives her a way to rationalize what a horrible person I (or whomever else) am because we never do for her what she does for us.  She does nice things for my kids and husband to score points too.  She thinks that if she does things for us/gives us stuff we will want to be around her more.  She also uses nice behavior to counter act her bad behavior.  If she's given us stuff or done stuff, she feels entitled to excuse some of her abusive behavior.

My MIL also does nice stuff for us.  She has flat out admitted (while laughing) that she gives things to my kids to bribe them into liking her and wanting to be around her.  She holds out promises of presents to maintain a closeness with her grandkids.  She uses promises of trips and money and gifts to secure her place of importance in the family.  She gifts things that will make her look good (although a lot of the time the gifts are someone else's idea, but she takes the credit for being "thoughtful" and finding the perfect gift).  She offers up family vacations in order to strong arm us into spending time with her.  She used to buy my husband season tickets to a sporting event, all in order to guarantee we would spend all games with her (I might add that she never offered to gift me the second ticked.  I always had to pay for it).  She offers up favors as a way of wiggling her way into her kids lives.  She offers to babysit every chance she gets.  She offers to show up for things even when it inconveniences her or her husband, all in an attempt to stay "connected" with her kids.  She has a horrible fear that her sons will cut her out of her life (she has told this directly too me, on several occasions) and so she does anything she can to cement her relationships, even if it means one son has to sacrifice for the other.  She will never say no in an attempt to maintain her image of perfect, sacrificing mother.  There is very little real sincerity in it, however, and it's always done for image.  And while I don't think this is a personal attack on me (or whomever), you can't help feeling less than important when people do things for you because it benefits THEM.  It just all feels so manipulative and shady.  There is always a price for what she does too, commitment to her of your time, energy, love and devotion.  Again, I believe it's about racking up points.  As if the points will even out all the lack of real thought, effort, or real connection.   She also uses these opportunities of helping to gather information, which she then spews to whomever will listen in her "I worry so much about them" tone.  I can't count how many times she has offered to help my SIL and then told me how sad SIL is that she can't do whatever it is she did for her.  Or she takes their trust in her and their confiding in her and shares it in a way with me that suggests she sees them as not measuring up.

There were many things that made me see things differently.  It was such a process.  But the best indicator was that I never felt better or happier or connected or any other emotion associated with family that you are supposed to have after having interactions with these women.  I always felt drained and suspicious and on edge; I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I could never relax and be myself.  I always felt on guard.  I never felt noticed or seen.  I was always just a blank canvas they projected on or mirror they used to see the image of what they wanted themselves to be.

Update on Mother-in-Law

So, I've done a ton of research in the past two months on Narcissism.  In a prior post, I wrote about my MIL, her horrible behavior towards me and how I was confused how it could seem so narcissistic, but not be.  Well, I've changed my mind, she is a narcissist too.  All that "generosity and caring" that I thought I saw, I know attribute to her attempts to control and retain attention from her kids.  Part of me felt "how can I have all these narcissists in my life?"  That didn't seem right.  But I've now learned how I've been primed to attract them.  How once you've been "trained" by a narcissist, others can smell it on you like a blood trail to a kill.
I came across an article about the 25 character traits of a narc.  As I read, I was floored.  My MIL ticked off so many boxes.  Almost as much as my mom.  I spent days writing out examples of how she fit the criteria.  And finally, with shaky hands I presented it to my husband.  I was so anxious, and I just knew he wouldn't believe me.  He'd think I was over analyzing.  Funny thing, though, he DID believe me.  He said he saw so much of it.  And while he didn't think she is as extreme or hurtful as my mother, he did acknowledge that she has caused a lot of problems with her behavior.  I felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders.  I finally didn't feel so alone.  I felt believed.  It was a new dawn for me.

I've written a lengthy blog about my MIL, her behaviors,  and I don't want to rehash old material.  But I need to rewrite about her through my new perspective.  With my new understanding, I need to see it in writing all the ways she has manipulated and tried to control us.

She is no boundaries.  None.  She does not know how to let her sons be grown adults.  She rushes in at the slightest invitation into her children's lives.  She listens as her son complains about my SIL.  She knows all about their marriage.  She sees nothing wrong with him confiding in her over my SIL.  In fact, she has expressed that confiding in her makes her sons "good sons" in her eyes.  She does not view us as individuals, but parts of a conglomerate of people.  One blob with ten heads.  She expects us all to do things the way they've always done things.  There is this unwritten set of ways-of-being in the world, that we are all supposed to be.  We are supposed to share the same opinions of things.  We are all supposed to have the same interests.   Everything is communal.  Nothing is separate and individual.  What one has, belongs to everyone.  Sounds like one big, close family, but in fact the "family" swallows everyone whole.  No one is allowed to have a relationship that is seperate.  She must be aware of, and in the middle of all relationships.  She does not encourage the brothers to spend time with each other with out her.  In fact, although she likes her "alone" time with everyone, she always manages to show up when we are doing something with a sibling.  Or, when she's been excluded, she pouts and says hurtful things (One night, when my BIL and SIL stayed up late at a hotel we all were at, drinking without her, she snapped "sounds like you guys were swingers!"  WTF?  What a crazy, sick, weird thing to say.  But it was clear she felt left out.)  She can not allow anyone time without her.  Once, when she was supposed to be showering, and my son was going for a walk with his grandpa, she threw on clothes and ran out to join them.  She eavesdrops, she gossips, she shares EXTREMELY private information about others (like in which manner my sister-in-laws pubic hair was shaved during childbirth....just ew).  I can not tell her anything, and in fact hubby and I've taken to keeping things from her because she shares information with others to get attention for herself.  To make her seem like the close, connected mother, or just to make herself look better.  She will physically put herself between me and someone I'm talking to to invade a conversation.  She butts into conversations that she is not a part of.   She feels it is her job to portion out food to the grandkids.  If she feels one needs more of something, she'll remove it from another child's plate.  Regardless, if the kid even asked for it.  And she never asks.  She calls in "sharing" but I think it is taking when you grab from someone without asking.  She does weird things to feel connected, like using my son's napkin to wipe her own greasy fingers, even though there were plenty of other napkins.  There is not a plate on the table that she doesn't feel the need to sample.  It kills her if you do not offer her a bite of something and she stares or hints until you give her some of whatever you have.  She walks in on people when they should expect privacy.  She has no problem walking around in her underwear and encourages other family members to do this to.  She even bought me a little nighty to wear at her house, because I always wore sweats when I got up in the morning (she thought I slept like this, but I feel you should cover up somewhat.)
She turns everything back to herself.  Most compliments are framed in away to refer to herself or her family. When I first met her she would turn every topic back.  "OH, you are a dancer?  Well, (hubby) won a dance contest once."  ONCE.  And then I had to hear about the one time he danced over and over.  I've heard every family story repeatedly.  And despite 15 years with hubby, she still tells me stories about her family like I'm an outsider. She knows little about me, and in fact rarely asks.  She often forgets my step parents names.  She knows nothing about what I did in highschool or as a child.  She spent little time getting to know me at all and in fact, seemed to go about discriminating me into her world.  It never even occurred to her that I would do things differently, or view things differently.  I almost felt like I was expected to morph into a clone of what she defined her family as.  I was never given any respect for my individuality and personal preferences.  She pushed me to be like her, create a family like her, be Christian like her.  She rammed religion down my throat.  I do not like organized religion.  I didn't want to be pushed to be a part of her church things.  But she guilted and pushed...even pushing for my baptism.  I went along with it all, trying so hard to fit in and belong to a family again.  She had the assumption that her family would all do things just like she had, and why would they ever do things differently?
As my relationship with my husband evolved, she became very jealous of me and competitive.  She works to take me down a peg.  "Oh, well you make good lasagna.  But I make good spaghetti."  "Oh, well, I would do Christmas cards like you, but I just don't have time."  She can't just say, thanks for the card.  She takes everything I do as an indictment on her behavior.  She always feels she needs to justify herself, in relation to what I am.  If some one tells me I do something well, she either tries to do it too, or finds a way to minimize it.  She has humiliated me in public over my small chest (which I am fine with, but I don't like being made fun of in public).  She has made negative comments about my newborn son, saying he had an "unfortunate nose" and "his mom's broad forehead".  Then she says "none of MY boys have that nose".   How she can insult her tiny grandbaby was beyond me.  She makes big deals about telling me when my husband has told her something before me.  "Well, I knew all about that.  He told ME everything.  I knew what he was doing for you."  It always seemed so weird to me that she felt the need to compete to be more important.  She covets what I have and do.  She is always copying what I do, from clothes, to jewelry, to my interests.  If husband and I do something or get something, she has to get the same for herself.
She has this impression that she has a "perfect" family.  She is obsessed with the latest "best" thing in life.  She will do anything or like anything, if ANYONE says it is the best.  She has little personal identity and is always taking on the "mask" of whatever she thinks people will like the most at the time.  She also likes to project onto her kids what they should like.  She doesn't ask anyone what they think, but tells them.  "OH, you'll LOVE this blah, blah, blah."  She labels her family and assigns roles.  She micromanages and controls everything.  She has an insatiable need to be needed and be important to "her boys".  She acts like her sons are perfect and defends them against anything.  They are always right and everyone else is wrong.  She has assigned scapegoat status to the one son who had the misfortune of some learning disabilities and other social disorders.  They family has made a habit of holding him up as a sort of shield, or sacrifice, as if to say "see, he's weird.  We're not weird.  If it weren't for him, we'd be perfect."  They've held this child as the dumping ground for all the blame for any perceived criticisms of the family.  She can't take any critisism, about herself or her perfect sons, so this family member is the distraction.
Not only does she not take critisism, and in fact, becomes angry and arguementative but she really doesn't consider any one's opinion at all.  She makes the assumption that her family all has the same opinion and when she is confronted with my difference of opinion, she again gets huffy.  She treats my knowledge in my chosen profession as ridiculous...until she wanted me to 'fix' scapegoat son.  The only opinions she takes is if she feels it would lead her to having the 'best' of something.  And these opinions are only from random strangers.  She has the most shallow of relationships with most people I know.  She is phony, loud, and boisterous.  She will laugh the loudest at a joke, even though she rarely understands what the joke is.  She uses laughter to deflect from her nasty comments to and about people.  She always has to appear to be in on something.  She does not get social clues and often laughs at inappropriate things (like when  I told her I rushed my son to the E.R.).  The family's behavior in public leaves something to be desired (loud, rowdy, scene causing in restaurants) but she acts as if they are entitled to behave that way.  But with other's she will be very critical.
She does not know how to create a real relationship and often forces the issue.  She wanted she and I to be best friends and do everything together, but took no time to actually create a relationship.  She talks at me and my sons.  "Grammy thinks your...GRAMMY thinks"  "I bet you think, Jessie...."  "Jessie, you should do this as a profession...I think you'd do well".  She never asks how we feel, or think, or if we like things.  It's her projection onto us.  She can not read the social cues of my kids and often pushes them when they are feeling shy or upset.  She once mistook my son's crying as "happy noises".  Not sure how she did that.   Maybe it was just deflection from the guilt she felt for not noticing.  She uses my kids to suck emotional and physical attention.  She is always kissing, hugging, and holding them, even when they do not want this attention.  She exclaims how kids are good for cuddling with.  She gets her narc supply from cuddling all over them, and it's so one sided.  I don't know how to explain how I know this, but you can almost see it.  My older son rarely can remember her name, despite seeing her often and knowing all of his other grandparents' names, and I know it's because she doesn't forge any relationship with him.  She shows no interest in him as a person, but what he can provide for her.  She once pushed him into taking a picture because she wanted to show it off to her friends.  Not because she wanted a reminder of her precious grandson.  So she could show off.  She doesn't really play with him (more hovers over him), and when she does she's showing my son HOW to play, not playing with him.  She talks about him as if he isn't there (and he knows this and it makes him uncomfortable.)  She always is "measuring" up the grandkids to see who is doing what, and if my son isn't at the stage she thinks he should be she gets weirdly quiet about it.
Her relationship with my husband has always been weird (on her end).  She used to make him the golden child.  He was a star athlete, and I always felt she sucked up more than her fair share of attention for his accomplishments (although I couldn't put my finger on this at the time.)  She didn't see it as his success, but the families success.  She used to use him to get his brothers to do what she wanted.  She would tell him to tell the brothers things, so she would be distanced from it and remove herself from the 'blame' should any arise.  She would put him in charge of decisions that he shouldn't have and then when resentment and anger arose, she'd point it at hubby.  "Well, HE picked the restaurant."  He just thought he was being a good son.  He didn't see the position she was manipulating him into.  She wanted this super close relationship with him.  She invited herself on our vacations, included herself in things she shouldn't have, and took over activities that we used to do as a couple.  She just couldn't understand why we WOULDN'T want family involved in these things.  She often treated him as a co-parent.  When we started to separate, she started to get desperate.  She started pushing us to get married (in December, like she did, despite my extreme dislike of the idea).  She pushed relentlessly for grandkids, and felt she should dictate who had kids first.  She started to become 'helpless' in situations.  She need my husband to help her with things that were completely in her ability.  She was retired, has tons of time, and is supposedly very intelligent, but she needed husband to rescue her and help her.  She would bait him with insane comments to get his attention.  She seemed so childish and immature.  And when she isn't acting like a baby, she (and FIL) feel the need to treat us like children, unable to make our own decisions.  In fact, all of my BILs are still very child-like and depend on the in-laws to approve and help with all their decisions.  They do not act like adults.  And I've always felt like, in MILs eye, the perfect model is:  she is the center hub of a wheel, and we are all spokes off of her.  She turns us all and we orbit around her.  She connects everyone to everyone else.  I used to use this model even before I knew what narcissism is, and now, it only confirms what I think I already knew.
Sorry this is so long, but I had to get it off my chest.  Thanks to anyone who has made it to the end of my rant!

Oh, and one other small thing.  She is the worst gift giver.  My gifts are always a rote gift (she picks one thing out and gives me the same thing every year, just a different version.  Like cookbooks, or christmas ornaments).  One year she gave me a wine glass (one of two) that she got at a wine tasting (so it was cheap and inexpensive) from a winery she "knew" I liked.  I didn't like the winery.  She told me she thought I would like the winery, and somehow got the two confused in her head.  I've also received mouthwash, a toothbrush, and a crow bar.

A few examples of crazy making

My mother has taken up the habit of finishing my sentences.  I'm not sure if she has always done this and I'm only now noticing it or if it is some sort of recent desperate attempt to enmesh us.  It drives me crazy.  She will but into the middle of a sentence, attempt to guess what I'm going to say, or even worse, say the same thing I say two seconds after me.  And then she acts like it was her original idea.  When I first noticed it I thought she was loosing her mind.  Now, I know it is her way of stealing the spotlight.

We often spend the day together while my husband does things with my stepfather.  When they come home, she will rush to the door and start barraging them with a "show" she puts on with my son as a puppet.  They haven't even hung up their coats before she starts with "show grandpa how I showed you blah, blah, blah".  Say "polly wants a cracker" (or whatever ridiculous thing she thinks she has taught him).  She then recounts the day with the royal "WE".  As in WE did this, WE did that.  The thing is mostly, WE didn't do any of the things.  She recounts diaper changes and naps and things that I did as stuff she did.

My MIL and Mom both have the annoying habit of staring off into space as you are talking to them.  They then turn and say "Hey!"  and then repeat back exactly what I just said to them!  This is infuriating to me.  My MIL recently did it to my husband.  He was worried about her mental health.  I'm not worried at all.  She, like my mother, is so self absorbed that even external voices are attributed to themselves.

My MIL covets.  When she enters my home, she's always remarking on something.  I often feel I am under a microscope.  She then exclaims "OH, FIL, isn't this great!  I want to get something JUST LIKE THIS!"  I assume she thinks this is a compliment.  But it has grown extremely tiresome that this woman, who has no identity for herself, steals mine.  I know they say imitation is the greatest form of flattery, but it can be overdone.  It can feel like nothing you have or are belongs to you.  And she can't be that in love with everything I do.  Anyway, cut to a few months later, and we will visit her in her home.  Of course, she will have gotten the item/stolen the decorating technique and then she has the nerve to act like it was her idea.  She'll make a big fan fair and brag as if she did something special.  She has "adopted" my hobbies, my way of wrapping Christmas presents, my interests, remodeled her kitchen right after we did, and followed us to Europe on a trip (she attempted to "meet" us there, but thank god husband put the hold on that!).  Then, she goes around acting all worldly and involved to her friends like she is actually the person instead of the sham that she is.  Enough to make me insane.

Pushing Boundaries

There were a lot of little things that used to bug me about people.  They seemed so trivial.  I used to wonder what in the heck was wrong with me.  Why would such small things drive me up the wall, make my skin crawl so?  I used to think that it was related to my anxiety.   That I just had some irritability and little things bothered me.   Then, I found narcissism and the puzzle pieces started to come together.  Oh!  That's what that is!  It's a narcissistic trigger.  These small things violated some sense of boundaries in me and I felt helpless.  Here are a few examples:

I do not make my son give hugs to older relatives if he doesn't want to.  In fact, I don't make him hug anyone if he doesn't want.  I have always felt it was such a violation to force a child to let some old aunt slobber all over them if the child feels uncomfortable with it.  I felt that it taught the child that if an adult tells you that you have to perform a physical act, you need to comply, even if you don't feel good about it.  It all felt like a very slippery slope.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I expect my son to be polite and respectful.  I expect that he will greet and say goodbye to adults in our home.  But I feel physical contact should be organic.  It should come because someone wants to express how they feel...not how someone thinks they should feel.  It should be a two-way street.

This really hit home as guests were leaving my son's birthday party this weekend.  We went to the door and I asked him to say goodbye.  And there was my NMom.  She's aggressively hounding and nagging my son.  "Go give Grandma a hug goodbye!  Give Grandpa a hug!  Tell Grandma you love her!  Tell Granny you love her!"  She's barking orders, putting words in his mouth.  It makes me skin crawl when she tells him exactly what he is supposed to say.  I say "please say goodbye to your grandmother." and let him decide how to do it.   She says, "Tell your grandmother goodbye and that you lover her.  Tell her 'see you soon'.  Tell her 'thanks for the gift'!"    I want my son to find his own words to say these things.  And most often, he is perfectly capable of forming his own sentences.  Yes, sometimes he needs a prompt to remember his manners, but I want the words to be his.  He's like a puppet on her string.  Drives me insane.  And when she starts pushing the hugs, I really get annoyed.  I can vividly remember being forced to hug some strange relative I'd never met and feeling...well, icky.  Not because of some sexually perversion.  Just because it felt wrong to hug someone I didn't know.  So, I don't make my kid give hugs.  When he hides behind me, I don't push him forward the way my in-laws do to my niece.  I endure the nasty looks.  I don't care.  The command to "come give ME a hug" is just not something we do in this home unless we want to.  And frankly, why don't people ask if they can give the child a hug, instead of demanding it from the child.

I also do not make my child pose for photos.  Yes, I sometimes ask a couple of extra times, if I really want a nice photo of a special occasion.  But I hate when the grandmothers push and nag my child for a photo.  This past weekend, during the party, my son was getting sick.  He did not feel well and was sitting on the couch.  My MIL and Mom pounced.  "Come take a picture for me!"  He replied he didn't want to.  They pushed and pushed.  "Why can't you take a picture?  Grandma wants to take a picture of you so she can show all her friends when they come over to her house!".  Huh.  I'm guessing the three year old could care less that you want to show off for your friends.  I'm sure your wishes and desires are the last thing on his mind.  The fact that she thought that her showing off to her friends was enough of a compelling reason to jump up, plaster a phony smile, and do what she asked irritated me.  And it never occurred to her to say to her 'precious' grandson that she wanted to take a photo of him because she wanted a reminder of HIM in her home.  It was all about her. But again, I am the bad guy for having such a rebellious child, and I don't care.  Why all this phoniness?  Posed pictures that depict a reality that isn't true so we can show off for people we don't care about?  Nope.

I also can't stand when people tell me my son is the spitting image of his dad.  Or that he looks just like his Dad when his Dad was little.  Or, the worse, he is a "mini-daddy".    Why would this bother me so much?  I wondered what kind of horrible person wouldn't want their son to look like their handsome dad?  And, honestly, he does look like his dad.  Spitting image?  No.  Mini-anybody?  No. He has traits of lots of family members.  What bugged me was the labeling of my son before he even has a chance to develop. Expectations and ideas that are put on him without any thought to his inner person.   That he had to be a little copy of someone.  That no one was looking at his individuality.  I know lots and lots of people find the similarities of children and their parents.  But it struck a nerve with me that people just couldn't let them be.  I don't mind the occasional comment.  But the ones who go on and on and on and won't let it go irritate me.  My MIL, who I know somehow sees the reincarnation of her "golden child" in my son, irritates me.  She in fact, felt it was her job to dictate to me and my SIL who could have the first grandchild and I know it was because she wanted to set up some ideal situation and lay the groundwork for her "golden grandchild".  And on my husbands whole side of the family, I often feel like little more than an incubator to them, so to have them never acknowledge that I have any part in the "golden grandchild" and that his "ALL (my husband's last name)" is annoying.

My mom is the worst with her comments.  She is obsessed with who the kids look like.  She has never acknowledged my children look like me at all.  She loves to comment how my kids look like my sister.  How they could be my sister's kids.  Secretly, I bet she wishes they were the golden child's.  She loves to tell me how my son reminds her of my deceased great grandfather.  Not because they actually look alike or have some quality in common.  It's just "something about him".  It's weird and creepy, the way she says it and the 'knowing' smile she has.  (Which isn't a knowing smile at all.  It's the smile she uses when she wants to ACT like she holds some secret knowledge that none of us has.  In reality, she's very seldom able to see passed the surface of anything.)  She also likes to tell me that I'm a "mini" her.  That I dress just like her and decorate my house just like her.  That I parent just like she did.  She's always claiming I parent just like she did.  Unless it's something she doesn't like.  Then, I'm just like my Dad.  She often has my stepfather claim I'm a mini-her.  Fact is, he doesn't know me at all.  He only knows what she tells him about me.  The half-truths, lies, and manipulations she tells him.  How do I know she does this?  One, she tells me lies, half-truths, and manipulations about HIM (as well as everyone else)  in order to look make herself good (as well as everyone else).  And two, my sister has told me the lies mom's told her about me.  And so help me god, I hope I am nothing like her.   I told my dad one time that she called me a 'mini-her'.  He was surprised that it bothered me.  "Why would I want to be a mini-anybody dad?  Why can't I just be me?"

So, I think I've rambled in a million directions with this post.  It's funny how one memory triggers another.  And then another light bulb goes off.  The puzzle pieces fall into place and one piece leads to the addition of another and soon you can see the whole narcissistic picture.

Dread

My son's birthday is coming up.  And what should be a fun time is, for me, filled with dread.  It saddens me so much that whenever something important and momentous happens I know that it'll  be emotionally exhausting as I deal with the narcissists in my life.  The birthday will not be about my son.  It will be about the grandmothers and the grandfather.  They will demand the spotlight,be loud and obnoxious, snipe secretly at each other, and compete for attention.  They will show up late and pull stunts to let me know who really is in charge.  There will be criticisms of the table arrangement and decorations.  People will overstay their welcome and do little to help.  It has been this way for every birthday up to this point.  Luckily, holidays are no longer like this, as I've reserved them for immediate family.  But with the birthdays, I have to suck it up and deal.  And more than anything, I hate that I'm upset. I hate that I can't enjoy my birthday and struggle to put on a happy face and let things go so my kids can have a great day.   It's most definitely not about me, and I will do anything for my son to have a fun day.  Too bad everyone else can't see it that way.

The Anxiety of Leaving my Children

People have been pushing me to leave my children with a babysitter almost since they were born.  In fact, before I was even pregnant my MIL (mother-in-law) used to say "I will watch the baby..." all the time.  Before I had kids, I never thought I'd have too much trouble with leaving my kids.  But I've found it far harder than I though, and for a variety of reasons.

As a disclaimer, I have left my kids.  I've left my son with my mother for a couple hours at a time on a few occasions (mainly when I had my second son).  I take Caleb to preschool two days a week.  I've left him with my SIL.  I just don't leave him often.  He is 3.  My baby, I've only left with my mom once for an hour.  Their dad stays with them a lot so I do get some time to myself.

But, you'd think I never left my kids.  Our friends constantly suggest we get a babysitter.  Mainly it is the friends without kids.  They don't understand that it's not that easy to just plop your kids (one of which is breastfeeding) and go out for the night.  Babysitters are expensive and the grandparents are an iffy option.  Our other friends have grandparents who are pretty much nannies.  They also don't get my concerns.  I feel so judged and pushed.

My mother, the narcissist, has watched my kids on occasion.  Never at night, but for a few hours here or there.  I can not trust her much longer.  She is really good for a few hours.  But then it starts to get on her nerves.  The novelty wears off and the kids get annoying.  She gets short with them.  She snaps.  She can be mean.  She orders them around pushing for control of them.   Even when she is here for an extended period of a few days, my older son gets testy and agitated until she leaves.  She makes everyone tense and on edge.   And then there is the price I pay after the fact.  When she takes the baby, she makes a big production of telling me that the baby didn't "need me".  She'll say to my son "See, you don't need your mom.  You did just fine without her.  You don't need her.  Tell her you don't need her."  And for those of you who have a narcissistic mother, I'm sure you can see what she is doing.  Divide and conquer.  Make herself look like she is just as good, if not better, than I am at taking care of my son.   It's good to know my son didn't have an awful time away from me.   But I don't think I need to be pushed away like that.  Then, there is always the martyr part of the babysitting.  As much as she pushes and pushes to babysit, after the fact, she'll complain how tired or exhausted she is.  Or how much we owe her (in appreciation) for babysitting.  Even when she is just here helping me with my kids (and I still do 90% of the work) she'll complain to my stepdad how exhausted she is.  (Which is funny, because if I say that taking care of the kids is a lot of work, she'll dismiss my feelings, telling me "well, you just do it.  When I had kids, I just got used to it.  It's not that much work if you do it everyday.  You should be used to it.").  She pushed my husband to leave one day and get out to do a hobby he loves.  She exclaimed how much she loves spending time with me and my kids.  Well, when he came back she snipped over and over about how, while HE was out having FUN, she took care of HIS kids all day.  Never mind, that I was there all day too.  You'd have thought she'd done it all by herself and he made her watch them.  Her babysitting is never free.  There is always a penalty.

My MIL is not much better.    She doesn't have the closest relationships with my sons.  She doesn't take a lot of time to get on the floor and play.  She doesn't ask them questions and really listen to them.  She spends a lot of time telling them how she feels about this or that.  It's hard to explain.  But her only conversations with them seem to be monologues about how she thinks or feels about them.  It sounds silly, I know, for me to say I get annoyed by her endless declarations of love.  But it's more than that.  It's just that every comment is related to her.  How she feels, what she thinks, what she likes.  It's never just "that's a nice shirt."  It's "GRANDMA likes your shirt."  "GRANDMA thinks your cute."    She just talks AT my kids, not to my kids.  And when she's not doing that, she's wrangling them on her lap, kissing them over and over, despite the fact that they want to get away.  It just seems she is always sucking energy and never giving anything back.  The kids are there to fulfill her needs for attention and gratification.

All of that I could tolerate, however, if I didn't have serious concerns about my kids safety in her care.  She is very scattered and unfocused.  She is very hyper and bounces around a lot.  She rushes through things in order to get them done, and often misses little details.  She has never watched my kids, but she does watch my niece and nephew.  Yes, nothing has ever happened to them.  But not for her lack of trying.  Here are a few of the things that happened that make me nervous:
*She can never figure out child car seats.  She has failed to buckle my niece into her seat correctly on so many occasions, I've lost count.   She has entrusted my FIL to buckle her in (who didn't know how to do it and had never received instruction) and didn't double check it so it remained loose.  She couldn't get her arms in once and had to have my husband do it.  She's just plain forgot to buckle her on a couple of occasions.
*We were at a swimming party when my niece was three.  We were all in the pool, but my SIL had put MIL specifically in charge of my niece.  I was holding my three month old when my niece fell under the water and and couldn't regain her feet.  I ran over and yanked her out of the pool.  My niece had been too far out for her height but had a "floaty" toy, so I guess MIL thought that was sufficient.  Now I understand accidents happen,  but what bothered me, is that it happened AGAIN, about 5 minutes later.  I again reached over and grabbed the sputtering child, trying desperately not to fall in myself with the baby.   I told MIL that she needed to be in the pool with her.  (She was sitting on the side).  She's fine, she argued.  This ticked me off.  She's not fine, she's three and someone needs to be in the pool with her!  Her uncle was right there, she snapped.  (This is a recurring idea with her.  She expects everyone else to be in charge with her.  That is a nice thought, but you can't count on someone else to look out for your kids.  They usually think someone else is watching and will walk away.  Hubby and I have a strict rule that we always have to make a point of saying out loud to each other who is in charge.  Then no one assumes the other is doing it and walks away, turns their back, etc.)  Anyway, she continued to argue with me, but finally stomped over and put a life jacket on her.  The whole incident left me shaken.  It's bad enough to let a toddler struggle underwater for any period of time, but then to argue it was fine, blew me away.
*She wanted to take my three year old on a carousel ride.  Not a kiddie carousel, but a big vintage one that goes very quickly.  He wanted to ride by himself, which is fine, as they have big seat belts, but after she got him buckled, she left him to go ride with my niece on the other side of the carousel.  She is always trying to be everything to all the kids at the same time, and consequently, often only is half focused on any one of them.  At the end of the ride, my son jumped off trying to get down.  There he dangled by the seat belt noosed around his armpits , feet a foot of the ground, as the ride still turned.  He was unhurt, but it was a miracle he hadn't choked himself, or hung off the other side where the gears and mechanisms are.
*She has put my niece to sleep on a half blown up air mattress when she was an infant.  She has fed her choking hazards.  She let my six month old suck on her metallic jewelry, paying no mind to the fact that it could pose a choking hazard and frankly is not a chew toy.  When hubby told her to not let her, she said "oh, he can't hurt my necklace".  The fricking necklace was the least of my concerns.  She was so busy with three kids on her lap, she didn't notice my four month old grabbing food off adults plates and trying to eat it.  She argued with my FIL that my 12 month old didn't need a seatbelt on a wagon ride.  Why would you NOT buckle him in, just to be safe?  She has not buckled my niece into a highchair and then turned her back.  My niece leaned way over to grab something and almost fell out.  One night, we went out to dinner and she could barely keep her eyes open she was so tired.  She decided to order a double beer (very tall glass) when she was driving my niece home.
*Hubby's family has loved filling me in on various crazy stories from their child hood.  She was driving the neighbor to school when he was 5, went around a corner, and the boy flew out the car door.  Her boys climbed the roof and ripped shingles off when they were 6-7 years old.  The boys shot bee bee guns at police cars.  The boys strung string across the rode to choke the neighbor lady as she rode her bike.  They set fires, got lost, etc.  Friends and relatives often remark about how their house was so chaotic when they were kids that it was like being in the monkey cage at the zoo.

Now, I know, accidents happen.  Kids get into things.  But she is SO unfocused.  So scattered, that these things seem to happen all the time.  She has such poor judgement.  She expects others to pick up her slack.  She doesn't take advantage of safety features that could help "just in case".  I don't understand why, if you have a seat belt, or restraint, or whatever, you wouldn't use it, especially with some one else's kid.  She forgets how little the kids are and allows things that they are not capable of.  When she watches my niece and nephew, they are hungry, always over tired, cranky, and crying.  She has a poor ability to anticipate the kids' needs until it's too late and they are screaming.  She is not very close to my son, even though he sees her way more than my parents.  He never asks about her like he does my dad, who he's seen only twice in four years.  She gets overtired quickly.  She doesn't know her own limits and often promises stuff that she is physically unable to do.  She can't say no to the kids and is always more worried that they will like her than keeping them safe.

So, these are my choices.  And as I think about either of them watching my kids, I have panic attacks.  I don't know what to do.  People do not understand these things, and think I'm just an overprotective, mean daughter-in-law/daughter.  But I worry about my kids.  If something happened to them, I'd never forgive my self.  I don't want to expose them to someone who would hurt them emotionally, or allow them to get hurt physically.  I know what it is like to be hung out to dry by your parents, and I don't want to not be there if they need me.  I want them to know I am there for them.  But I feel guilty.  I know they need time away from me.  I know my husband wants time with me.  I'd love to take a vacation away for the night.  But the sheer panic that closes off my throat each time I think about it, makes it seem impossible.   And as my kids get older and older, I know the time will come where I have to.

My Mother-in-Law

My relationship with my mother has colored every other relationship in my life.  It seems that she has fitted me with glasses, forcing me to see thing through her lens.  And as I break free, I'm often unsure if I'm seeing someone for who they are, or through the narcissistic lens.

One such relationship is with my mother-in-law, June.  June and I have never been particularly close.  She and I  are very different people.  She is loud and boisterous and hyper.  She often does not see others or  notice the effect she has on others around her.  She lacks self-awareness and is often unable to predict the consequences of her actions.  She is unable to step outside of herself and view things as others do, especially as others might perceive her.  She is blunt and speaks before she thinks.  She is controlling, manipulative, passive-agressive, and critical.  She tends to live in extremes.  Often things are labeled as "the best", and she seems to be very black and white in her thinking.  One thing is the best, and others line up in descending order.

Now, in looking at this description, it seems she has a lot of narcissistic characteristics.  And in fact, she and my mother's behaviors often feel the same to me.  The difference is that I don't believe her to be acting from the same place.  I don't see her as a person who is controlling others to boost herself or in a need to be the most powerful.  She is generous and I truly believe she wants what is best for her children and those around her.  She just spends so much time and energy trying to make everyone happy, that she often ends up making everyone unhappy.  I believe she has ADHD (and I don't throw these terms around, I actually have lots of experience in diagnostics for mental disorders).  I believe this is the root of a lot of her behaviors.  Regardless, though, the effect she has on me is very similar to the effect my mother has on me.

Here are some of the things she has done to drive me crazy:

*She often "teases" people but I find it to be mean.  When my husband graduated from college, the family had a big party.  Probably 45 people were there.  I overhead laughing at the next table.  When I asked what they were laughing at (quite loudly) no one responded.  Finally, when pressed, my MIL said "well, I was saying that I read an article about how laughing can increase your breast size and I said you must not laugh very much!" She cackled, everyone cackled, and I felt so embarrassed.  She will poke fun of people's weights or appearance.
*She struggles with boundries.  She's always standing too close or listening in on a conversation I'm having with someone else.  She's walked in on me changing twice (and she's only had the opportunity to do this about half a dozen times, so proportion wise, it's a lot).  I've purposely moved away from her as she sat too close to me.  She then followed me and actually pursued me around the room.  She asks very personal questions.  Her first question to me when she came to meet her grandson was if my nipples hurt.  Her FIRST question.
*She's pushy.  If she doesn't like my response to something, she'll keep asking.  Lots of times she'll just ignore me and do what she wanted to do anyway.  She harassed me for years about having grandkids.  I told her repeatedly that her son and I weren't ready, we needed to be more secure financially, but she pushed and pushed because all her "friends had grandkids".   She pushed us to get married.  She often pushes us to do things like she did (get married in the same month, live in a neighborhood like hers, relive my husband's childhood through my kids' childhoods.
*She can be rude.  She notices imperfections in my home keeping (I'm actually a very clean, organized person) but she'll point out the smallest thing.  She has told me my son has my "wide forehead".  She also told me that my son "unfortunately, has the Stewart (hubby's paternal side) nose.  None of MY boys has that nose, but I think your son will".  This blew me away.  Not only did she insult my son and her husband's family but then managed to boost herself up at the same time.  Not to mention that my son DOESN'T have that nose and that two of her son's DO.  I always feel like I'm under a microscope when she visits.  She always says "oh, you don't have to clean for us".  But she notices if we don't.  And she is not an overly clean person.  In fact, very cluttered and disorganized.  She has told my Sister-in-law she is getting fat ( while most of her family is overweight).  She often makes fun of people's appearances.
*She is very complimentary.  Often I believe her. But she seems to be complimenting me to try and gain my favor.  And she copies the thing that she complimented me on and then claims it for her own.  Sometimes though she is jealous.  I make a really good lasagna that she had heard about.  I finally made it for her.  She said "You do make a really good lasagna.  But I make really good spaghetti."  What kind of compliment is that?  It is typical for her to compliment herself, especially when it is something she really shouldn't take credit for.
*She likes to have her thumb on her kids.  She used to be worse and has gotten better.  But she tends to think of everyone as one big family unit still.  She expects the more fortunate kids to help out the less fortunate (weather it be with money, time, etc.).  She almost acts like everything is community property.  She often has "family vacations" planned that are manditory.  My husband and I always are required to pay our share.  Rarely do the other family members pay.  What irks me especially about this is that hubby and I are fortunate because we budget and work hard.  Other family members are spenders and don't work.  Why should we have to work hard so that others can benefit?  She tries to control relationships between family members by getting involved in things that don't involve her.  She will sacrifice someone's feelings to keep the peace (or the peace in her mind) with another.   She often likes to sweep things under the table instead of dealing with them and expects everyone else to do the same.  She used to (but less so now with my husband) use one child to convince another one of her children to do something she wanted.  "Why don't you tell them..." so that it would seem her idea came from someone else.  I've often felt bullied by her to do what she wanted.  It used to be that she would tell me that God had sent her special messages for me.  That God had told her I needed something or another to be told to me.  She also prays a lot that people will do what she wants them to do.  She sees nothing wrong with this.  She'll take from one person and give it to another, disrespecting someone's individual needs.  I've seen her take food off one grandkid's plate and give it to another because the second child finished first.  Doesn't matter if the first kid isn't finished yet or how that child feels about it.  This drives me insane.  All my in-laws have helped themselves to food off my plate without asking (after they've snarfed down their food.  I eat slower.  I always go away from family meals hungry)
*She is inconsiderate.  Actually, both of my in-laws are.  They like to drop by unannounced.  At dinner time or nap time.  They expect us to accommodate their schedule (and the schedule of Brother and Sister-in-law).  She shows up late for birthday parties.  When she comes in she makes a big scene about arriving, grabs all the kids and then hogs them the rest of the day.  She has exposed my kids to illness because she wanted to see them.  This is sneaky because she knows we would tell them not to visit if we knew they were sick.  So, she tells us after they have been here for awhile.  They often announce their plans instead of asking to see what works for us.  They never call us ahead of time, even when they know full well they will plan on stopping.  I feel like they bulldoze me.
*She makes me feel like a snob.  I am not.  I just grew up with some rules of decorum.  I try to be respectful of others.  And I am raising my children that way.  She will tell her sons "Don't do that, Jessie doesn't like it" as they put back food from their plate into the main dish if they don't like it.  It makes me feel small and stupid.
*She has first tier and second tier family members.  Her sons, her, and her husband are first tier.  She has ornaments with names on them on her Christmas tree.  First tier people got big ornaments.  Second tier people (me and my sister-in-laws) and the dog got much smaller ornaments.  She gives much more expensive gifts to her sons.  She makes sure that all of her sons favorite meals are at holiday gatherings, but ridiculed my SIL for wanting something special.  She picks out special gifts for her sons, but has a "rote" gift she gives me and my SIL.  She gives us the same thing every year and the same thing to both of us even though we have different taste.  I understand her sons are her actual children and I expect some favoritism.  And it's not about the gifts or money.  It's about the blatant display of separation between us.
*She is gossipy.  She'll tell me things that she thinks my SIL and BIL are doing wrong with their kids but acts like it's out of  her concern for them.  But she doesn't mention it to them because she doesn't want to interfere and be "that MIL".  I don't trust her with anything because she tells everyone everything.  She doesn't respect privacy.  She accidentally sent pictures of my SIL's exposed body after delivery of her baby to her husband's boss.  And thought it was funny.  I can only imagine what "concerns" she expresses to my SIL about me.
*One of the biggest bones of contention is that I'm allergic to her dog.  When BIL and SIL could no longer keep their dog, she took it, knowing full well that I was allergic.  Now, she has every right to have a dog and I would never begrudge her it.  But it makes it difficult to go to her house.  For years, I was made to feel like my life-threatening allergy was a nuisance, like she had to go to all this extra work to accommodate me.   She has never once asked me about my asthma or allergies or how she can make it easier on me, but often comes to me with "cures".  I spent years and money on medications, shots, and every thing I could to stop it.  Nothing worked.  She now lets the family's 6 dogs come to her house on holidays, and then acts hurt that we don't go.  I know there has been rumbling behind my back that I can't attend.  When I would go they would put the dog in a back room.  The dog would shortly be back out because the dog was whining and felt "left out".   The dog always laid at my feet but no one moved it.  There was one wooden chair in the house I could sit in because they others were covered in hair and dander.    Finally, when I got pregnant, I decided enough was enough.  I couldn't go because I refused to put myself or my baby's health at risk to appease someone.  The kicker was when she told me she'd never get a cat because my BIL and SIL are allergic and they "would kill" her.  It makes it hard on hubby because we often can't go to his home town to visit.  Or we have to spend lots of money to visit.  And then we can't go to his parents house for more than a few hours.  He totally supports me, but it sucks for him.
*She pushed me to be friends.  But it came from a "keep your friends close but your enemies closer" stance.  She always told me that she didn't want to be "that MIL" because she didn't want to loose her sons.  But in doing so, she's pushed me away.  She tried to force a relationship and friendship but didn't want to let it develop and blossom over time.  She seemed anxious and panicked about getting me into the fold, so to speak.  She wasn't interested in finding a mutual satisfying relationship.  It was all about meeting her needs and she either ignored or plain bowled over anything I felt.  Most of her behaviors towards me feel phony.

So, I'm stuck with this woman and feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place.  I always feel like something is wrong with me as I've struggled with both the "mothers" in my life so much. Is it just me?   How much of what I feel is tainted by my relationship with MY mom.  How much is she really overbearing, pushy, and just plain socially inept?  And how to I resolve my feelings with her?  For years, I spent trying to do what I could to make it work.  I never rocked the boat.  I never stood up to her.  I never laid down boundries.  And now things are out of control.   There is so many things simmering.  And, now, when I do say something, she becomes huffy and offended.   Often she is so defensive that the point is lost.  I never learned to speak frankly with my own mother (in fact, was discouraged to do so) and now I don't know what to do in this situation.  Where is the line between a boundary and being rude?