Sucker Punched by Bullshit

I had a lot of titles swirling around in my head for this post.  My favorite: Go Fuck Yourself.  Because I'm more than a little pissed off today.  I'm more than a little angry.  And maybe, as many of you pointed out, this might just be the final kick in the ass I needed.

A couple of positive points first.  A big thank you to Quercus Garryanna (which by the way is a bitch to spell ;).  I did look up what it means though . Very fitting!).  She asked me today in an email if this narc stuff gets better.  That little question stopped me for a minute.  It helped pull my head back up beyond the murk.  And I want to thank her for asking me that.  Because, really, I do think it's better.  In years past, a situation like yesterday would've sent me into a death spiral.  I would have been teary and depressed and mopey for days.  I would have been anxiety ridden and panicky.  I would have felt overwhelmed with sadness and guilt and feelings of obligation.  I would have felt an overwhelming urge to call NM and NSis and talk it out for hours (not really helping, but fulfilling their narc supply needs).  I would not have been able to be angry in an appropriate way.  Today, I am angry.  But not in a screaming and yelling and throwing things, unhealthy angry way.  I can be angry and sit with it and feel it and not be scared of it.

I also want to thank all of you for reading and offering your support yesterday.  It is amazing what you all have given me: much needed reality checks, kicks in the pants, validation, and support.  Oh, and a couple of virtual beers at the ULB Bar.  I actually don't drink beer, but I do love a good whiskey.  So, I got a hefty does of virtual whiskey last night.  Thanks.

OK.  I'm angry.  This post is going to be all of the place as I have no real direction and so much has happened to process that I may just have to jump from one place to another.

I'm angry with my father.  It has nothing to do with the situation at hand.  But, in hunting him down to give him the news, I discovered he's on vacation.  For the second week in as many months.   I do not begrudge him a vacation.  But as some of you may remember, he made demands on short notice this summer to visit me.  He demanded one particular week and I learned later that the week he picked had to do with him running away from something he didn't want to do.  And when I told him he needed to pick another week, any other week (and I had already told him that this week was out) he refused to come at all.  He told me at the time that he doesn't like to "plan ahead".  Which I guess is fine.  But I have lots of other things in my life and if you can't try and be reasonable so be it.  BUT, these two particular vacations have been planned out for almost a year.  So, yeah, he doesn't want to plan ahead if it is for me.  So, I'm angry.

I'm angry with my sister.  Aside from the obvious verbal abuse she unleashed on me yesterday and the shame and blame she dumped on me, I'm angry because she is being deceptive.  I do not know exactly how deceptive she is being and about what, but she is being deceptive.  And she is doing it in order to control people.  My father left a voice message last night that NSis is NOT having surgery now.  You read that right (and I'm sure most of you are not shocked by this), but the HUGE FUCKING ISSUE is no longer an issue...for now...but could pop back up.   She still is not being forthcoming, but in the endless stream of emails I've received to NM, what I can pick up is this (and keep in mind, I can not verify and of this, and nor do I necessarily believe any of it):  NSis's doctor called yesterday to tell her that "oops.  There may be other options."  NSis said she panicked when she heard the initial news-that former test results were wrong-and scheduled the surgery because she just wanted to get this over with.  But now there are more options.  And she's going to be meeting with the doctor.  Confused?  Yeah, I would be too, except all I hear is blah, blah, blah, pay attention to me.  And that's all that matters.  Blah, blah, lies, blah, blah, ME!!  I'm angry that NSis won't grow up.  I'm angry that NSis blames everyone but herself.  I'm angry that NSis expects everyone to drop everything to attend to her and her imagination.  I'm angry because she is covering her vagueness and bullshit by saying she's "trying to protect everyone" and doesn't want anyone to worry about her.  She bitches and complains about no support, but she won't let anyone support her.  Aside from her treatment of me, she's been no better with my parents who have actually BEEN trying to be supportive of her.  They've called, sent flowers, sent money, offered to visit.  All of it has been refused or taken and not acknowledged or appreciated.

I'm angry with my mother.  I'm angry that she calls me up and cries on my shoulder like a child.  I'm angry that she gives two shits about the effect that it has on my life.  I'm angry that she has called repeatedly and emailed over and over. I'm angry that in the emails she has said "I'm not making excuses for her BUT" and then goes onto to excuse all of NSis's behavior on hormones and stress and sadness.  I'm angry that she thinks I'm delusional enough to forget that NSis has ALWAYS behaved like this, for years and years and years.  And that this is not new.  I'm angry that my mother created this little clusterfuck, waters it, feeds it, feeds off of it, and then complains about it.  I'm angry that she complains to me about how fucked up it is and then chastises me for agreeing with her.  I'm angry that in most of the emails today and most of the conversations of yesterday, she talked about how much it EFFECTED HER.  She actually said, "it's hard being the mom."  Well, I bet it fucking is.  I'm angry she's used this to unload more of her medical dramas on me.  I'm angry that she's sat around waiting for a moment to zing me to get back at me for not caring enough about her.  I'm angry that twice now she's randomly inserted the phrase "Yeah, your sister says 'Just because I don't have her (Jessie's) fairytale life..." and then trails off.  This comment is inserted in the most moment.  The first time she said it, it caught me off guard (having a conversation with NM is like a game of "Whack a Mole".  Before I can even respond to one statement, she pops up in another area.).  Yesterday, I tried to pin her down on this statement.  I asked her how in the hell that statement was even made.  She said "I know, it is weird."  I said, no, what kind of conversation where you having that the was her response?  And what was the end of that response?  And what did that mean?  I told her I refuse to feel guilty because I have a normal life.  I asked her what was the point of saying that?  NM hemmed and hawed and changed the subject.  I'm guessing that this little statement was more about NM communicating HER feelings towards me than my sister.  Although I'm sure sister feels that way too, that I'm some snob who has disregarded her family, NM feels that way too.  NM is jealous and spiteful and angry that I have continued to lead my life (and gasp! Be happy) despite the "hell" they are going through.  If I'm not in a puddle on the floor, calling and checking on them, I'm a stuck up snobby bitch.

I'm angry that NM has used this opportunity to bomb me with her chaos (I'm currently no longer responding to these stupid emails).  I'm angry that she sends me these emails that detail how my sister's night went, that she got a good night's sleep, that NM had a heart-to-heart with NSis about how NSis is feeling.  Oh, and then she tacks on a "hope you are OK" bullshit line at the bottom.  Gee, thanks for the bone.  I'm angry that I know she CHOOSES to be this way.  She makes chooses to put NSis first, well, herself first, and me last.  I'm the bottom on her fucked up pyramid.  I'm angry that my NM believes all the bullshit she spews.  That she knows the truth.  That she knows NSis is fishy.  But that she covers for her, makes excuses for her, and defends her at every turn.  And she expects me to eat everything she serves up.  I'm angry that she enables NSis at every turn and calls everyone else lousy human beings for not being like her.  I'm angry that she described herself yesterday as above this drama that NSis creates.  That she identified herself as "calm, and collected, and (some other bullshit that implied she was serene and thoughtful)."  Apparently, she forgot she was talking to her daughter.  That I don't need her to label herself for me.  That I would never buy the bullshit labels she's created for herself, and see them only as further proof of her disillusionment.  That she is not cool and collected and peaceful.  That she is spiteful and passive aggressive and quietly bides her time until she can enact revenge by beating you in the back of the head when you aren't looking.  That she is no example of moral high ground and wisdom and serenity that she keeps trying to tell me she is.  She's so desperate to have people admire her for her good character, yet she has none to admire.

I'm going to have to think about all of this for awhile.


Post Update;  I just noticed my sister deleted me from her friends on FB.  I guess that speaks loud and clear to me.

So, How Did it Go?

First, and foremost, I want to thank all my blogger friends for reaching out, offering support, extending comfort, and checking in.  I have no doubt that this support helped me maintain my strength and boundaries through the weekend of narcs.   I also want to apologize for the next post, as it may not be as coherent and linear as I would like.  In fact, most of my posts are a bit rambling (and I often shudder at the grammar and spelling errors I see when I reread them).  But, I like to write from the heart and not over-think them too much.  And I've committed myself to not worrying about perfection and presentation, but rather just content and honesty.  So, sorry if any of that has made my posts difficult to understand.

NSis never showed for the party.  I never believed she would.  She lives quite a distance away, has no "vacation" time, and if she doesn't work, she doesn't get payed.  So, I knew that the suggestion that NSis was coming was purely an attempt by NM to stir up drama and put focus back on my NSis.  To highlight who "really" needed the family attention at the moment.  And it was clear she felt that that person was not my young child.  Regardless, one less narc to worry about.

NM was relatively well behaved.  She didn't start out the weekend with her usual "I'll show up whenever the hell I feel like it" attitude, and actually let me know their expected arrival time.  She is ALWAYS texting me when I go to her home and demands hourly check ins so she can see where we are.  I never minded giving her a time we would arrive.  But I didn't like tracked.  But when she was coming here, she would refuse to answer my texts and wouldn't tell me at all when she was coming.  Or she would grossly over estimate, and show up three hours earlier.  Anyway, she was considerate this time.

She only brought up my sister once.  Well, OK, not only once.  She slipped in little comments here and there.   She took a video of my kids and sent it to NSis's phone.  She said I should send NSis a copy of a photo I took.  She always likes to proclaim how important my kids are to NSis.  How much NSis likes them.  Really?  Could've fooled me.  But I can see this triangulation for what it is now.  Anyway, the one time she brought up NSis and her cancer, it went like this:

NM:  I talked to your NSis today on the way down.
Me:  Oh.
NM:  She said to tell you "hi".  (Translation:  guilt, guilt, and more guilt.  See, NSis is thinking about you.  See she cares about you.  She said to say HI!  Isn't she wonderful?!)
Me:  Oh?
NM:  She really would like you to call her.  (Translation:  you are being a huge, selfish bitch by not calling.  You really need to be the "bigger person"-a NM favorite phrase.  She needs you.  You are not performing your duties)
Me:   Oh.  Well, you had told me that she didn't want to talk to family members about it and she hadn't called Dad and...
NM: (interrupting me)  Yes, but she REALLY wants you to call.  (Forget what I told you before.  She's waiting for your call.  You need to reach out to her.  You need call.  You haven't taken her bait, so I'll repeat what your obligation is to your sister.)
Me:  Well, she can always call me...
NM:  (interrupting again) Well, it's really between you two.  I don't want to be in the middle of it.

At this point, NM scampered away as I tried to continue the conversation.  She had said her piece.  She, of course, wanted to be in the middle of it.  That's why she brought it up.  She wanted to be in the middle of it, but not have me say anything.  She was all on NSis's side and blaming me as usual.  And when I tried to explain my boundaries, she ran away.  It was probably for the best.  I don't owe her an explanation for what I do.  It did make me sad, momentarily, that with my close relative's death and my son's birthday and everything else, that all she can see is what is important for NSis.  Same old, same old I guess.

NM didn't say another word about it.  She did make some sly comments about how her "anxiety" was finally wavering.  She tried to get Estepdad to agree with how "strong" she is.  She pushed and pushed the issue with him until he finally told her "I'm not playing your little games".  Yay, step dad!  I almost wonder if he hadn't felt a little encouraged himself.  He and I and DH had refused to play her games all weekend.  I didn't rise to her bait.  I didn't argue.  I didn't turn negative.  When she brought up the same old stories over and over, I listened, nodded, and changed the subject.  When she threw out that we cater to stepdad, but not her, I politely disagreed.  In a way that she couldn't argue back with.   I was so proud of my strength.  I was so proud that I didn't let her under my skin.  It actually was a relatively pleasant visit.  It gave me hope.  Not hope that she will change, or we will have a relationship.  Just hope that I can do this and she won't run my life anymore.

She did try a couple things with my son, which pissed me off.  She always brings gifts for when she arrives.   When DS asked if she had gifts for the party, she said "Nope.  You opened them.  You wanted to open them, so now your done.  That's all there is."  She sat there watching him squirm.  Watching his discomfort as he tried to figure out if she was kidding or not.  And if she had been kidding, she sure didn't let on.  She was as cold as ice.  Of course, she thinks she's funny.  I did not.  I immediately jumped in.  Assured my son that grandma had gifts for the next day.  That she shouldn't tease him like that.  Other than this incidence, she behaved herself with him.

The party was a whole other story.  I had been so busy preparing for the narc attack from the front, I was not prepared for the narc attack from the rear.  BIL and SIL are selfish people.  Spoiled brats who always run on their own schedule and own time.  They use my in-laws as their personal nanny.  They require constant help with their children and act very put out when they are totally responsible.  They are entitled and childish.  So, when my in-laws should up with the kids, instead of BIL and SIL, I wasn't surprised.  It upset me that my son's aunt and uncle blew off the party, but I wasn't surprised.   NMIL bounced up with the kids, saying that BSIL (for short) had shopping to do for a big vacation they are taking without their kids.  She said they'd show up later.  So, as everyone sat around watching me set up the party, the littlest kid started getting into things he shouldn't.  I removed him, twice.  I sat down to feed my kids.  The other parents and my in-laws dropped off two more kids with me to eat.  So, here I am, hosting a party and feeding four toddlers.    Awesome.  No one could get the littlest to eat and the all assumed someone else was doing it (BSIL), so he kept getting into food I'd stashed under the table.  I removed him, again.   SIL jumps up to the littlest kid and says "oh!  it's OK, it's OK".  You'd thought I beat the kid instead of kindly removing him from the stash of goodies.  This was my first inkling that something was wrong with her.  While she's never the most pleasant person, she's usually friendly enough.   Neither she nor BIL acknowledged me at all.  The whole party.  They never said hello or anything else for that matter.  Their kids kept disappearing.  I didn't feel it was my responsibility to look all over for the park for them, so I just going with my schedule (I wanted the three remaining kids to be able to go and play, so I was trying to get the food/cake/presents done).   SIL kept reappearing and disappearing.  You could see her coming, causing a HUGE dramatic scene without saying a word (it really was impressive to watch how much attention she could command just by stomping around...that is, if it wasn't at my kids party.)  BIL disappeared before the cake and never showed back up. And this guy's usually Mr. Life-of-the-Party.  It was all so strange.  Finally, SIL stomps up to my son as they are playing, and coldly says Happy Birthday, thanks for the invite, and that she's leaving.  Neither one of them said a damn word of good-bye to me or DH (this is DH's brother-his "closest" brother).

The whole thing infuriated me.  I was appalled at their childishness.  I was irate that they would distract so much from their nephew's party.  I was appalled that they couldn't put aside whatever the hell was up their asses, in order to celebrate DS.  I was confused.  Had I done something?  Was SIL mad that I had disciplined her kid?  I didn't feel I'd done anything wrong.  Someone had to do it.  I was kind to the child.  I have a right to ask him to not get into my things.  Was SIL mad at DH?  She was very rude when DH said hello.  She has some issue with him but will not talk about it with him.  Sometimes she's nice to him, sometimes she's hostile.  You never know what you're going to get.  DH has confronted her before.  She always claims to not know what he is talking about.  How convenient.  Why had BIL been such an ass?

We continued on with the party.  Towards the end, I started cleaning up.  I cleaned up the ENTIRE party by myself.  Three adults sat around and watched as I packed up, made a million trips to the car packed a block away, and loaded it all myself.  The literally sat on their asses and watched.  Only my step father helped me carry the heaviest stuff (DH was with my kids).   I was annoyed, but NMIL pushed me into pissed off.  She had sat watching me.  When there was one small box left, she came up and offered to help.  I look around at the empty grass.  I told her that I'd finished.  She said "But Oh!  I'd like to help!  What can I do?!"  WTF lady?  Are you blind?  You sat two feet from me.  Watched me haul it all out.  And THEN offer to help.  And I guess you could chalk it up to be inattentive (I don't, but I guess you could).  Or her being exhausted by the relatives illness and death.  But here's the thing:  she did the exact same thing to me at my other child's party three months ago.  She sat around and watched me set it all up.  She watched me clean it all up.  She then asked to help.  And when I told her it was done (look around lady, do you see any food?  or tables? or garbage?  What the hell do you want to help with?)  she kept insisting she wanted to help.  She must think I'm a fool.  Well, someone's a fool, and it sure the hell isn't me.

And a little more about NMIL's behavior at the party. She never offered to help me set up either.  Instead, as I'm laying out food, she makes a huge deal about some dog poop and needing to pick it up.  Asking me for a napkin and then grabbing at my things.   She made a big deal about not being able to find the garbage (it was two feet away).  She made it sound like she was inconvienced by the lack of garbage.  She covered for SIL and BIL, making excuses (I call it lying) for them.  She went around the party and explained in detail the last moments of the close relatives death.  How hard it was.  The medicine the used.  The pain this person was in.  How she hoped the mortician could do something with the corpse.  I was disgusted.  Not only was it completely inappropriate to be sharing this information with  people, she was doing it at a child's birthday party.  It was clearly her chance to bask in the glory.  She can't make conversation about anything pleasant, she she trots out the garbage.  And makes herself look like the kind martyr to boot.  Ick, ick, ick.

You'd think this would be the end of it.  Ship everyone home and continue on.  But we had the funeral with BIL and SIL.  And you know what?  SIL was as sweet as punch.  Acted like nothing had ever happened.  I would've called her ass out but refused to disrespect the close relative.  This was not the time or place.  I just ignored SIL, stayed as far from her as I could and remained distanced.  BIL never said a word to me.  Didn't say hello, goodbye, or anything.  Avoided me completely.  That's his M.O.  Just ignore everybody and everything until he thinks it's blown over.  DH had gone over the night before and said they'd been the same with him.  His conclusion, and I think it's right, was that SIL and BIL were fighting.  This infuriated me more.  That they couldn't put aside some marital squabble to focus on their nephew.  That they had to attract all the attention to themselves and make a scene.  That they couldn't suck it up for two hours.  I was livid then and I'm livid now.  And this isn't the first time they've done this.  At DS's 1st birthday, they showed up two hours late because they were mad at my in-laws.  SIL showed up last year, but then had to leave because she'd forgotten something.  They are always late to almost everything we do together (we don't do much together anymore as a result).  BIL blows us off if he finds something better to do.  He is enmeshed with his family and tries to dictate how DH and I run our home (who's invited over, when, how we interact with other relatives).  He's a gossip and been called out on it, but refused to see his blame in it.  The only good point, if you can call it that, is that DH really got to see him for what he is this weekend.  And as a side note:  When I rushed into the church (I drove with my kids by myself) a bit flushed, and was standing with the family preparing to enter for the service, NMIL leaned over and whispered a joke about how someone was teasing someone else about facial hair.  I was stunned.  And saddened.  How freaking inappropriate!  This was the only thing she said to me.

So, there you have it.  That's my weekend.  Sorry for the long, probably over-detailed, post.  I was exhausted at the end.  Completely depleted.  But I feel better today.  I feel "wholer".  I feel more confident and strong than I have in a long time.  I'm starting to feel grown up.  Baby steps, but still steps.

Memories

It surprises me that I can think of so few memories of my childhood (pre-divorce) with my parents.  I have a great memory.  I can recall in vivid detail some memories of my life.  I can recall with great clarity staring at the yellow school buses in the dark, mangled by rain in my vision as Mom told me my Dad was moving out.  I remember my(now) husband sitting on the steps of his house, in my rearview mirror, as I drove away when he would be moving the next day.  I can remember, vividly, my desire to be an OB.  And I remember vividly my realization that it meant I also must be a GYN (and what the hell a GYN actually did).  I remember outings and vacations, but the pop into my memory in images of the photo albums that I have.  I don't have the actual memory, just the image I've memorized from the album.  Sure looks like we had fun.

But I don't remember a lot of things with my NM.  I remember she cleaned alot.  And mowed the lawn.  And had a lot of things to get done.  I always liked it when she spent the afternoon cleaning and cooking a nice meal and offered us warm chocolate chip cookies.  It was such a treat and I remember feeling so cared for.  I remember her being brisk, and cold, and distant.  I remember her putting me in charge a lot.

I remember that she picked out my clothes a lot.  That I didn't have a lot of choice about personal style.  She decided that for me.  In fact, sis and I were often part of a coordinated set.  I don't remember her taking any real interest in me.  I don't remember her asking me how my day at school was.  I don't remember her ever taken my part with a teacher, or going to school to defend me, or even being really interested at all.  As long as I excelled, behaved well, caused no problems, it was all good.  She didn't bring me flowers to my school players.  She often expressed that it was difficult to get time off of work.  I remember one time fighting over a part in the school play with my teacher.  The teacher had been nagged by another parent to split the part-there were four performances-because she felt her daughter should've gotten the part (you know, give another kid a chance to be the lead).  I remember arguing with my teacher that this wasn't fair.  Not because it wasn't fair to yank the part from me after I'd had it for weeks, but because my mom didn't know what show she could attend and I wanted her to see me perform.  And I was 11.

I remember that mom always ticked the boxes of being a good mom (again, credit to Kara "The North Wind).  Buy nice school clothes, tick.  Enroll in dance lessons, tick.  Attend parent teacher confrences, tick.  But she never seemed interested.  I don't remember a lot of love, or affection, or consideration for me.  I wondered for a long time if this behavior from her started only as I reached adulthood.  But I can see so many mini-signs as I grew up.  We went on vacations, we rode bikes together, we went shopping (mainly I watched her shop).  But we didn't have a relationship.  We didn't have a connection, at all.  She didn't really know me then, and she sure as hell doesn't know me now.  And in fact, I don't think it would've even accord to her to think about me as an individual.  I was just a kid, what did I know.

I do remember that she favored my sister.  Always.  She let her get away with murder and she expected me to do the same.  She made me her "littler helper."  I was her assistant, and that made me feel important.  But I often felt more like a pet than a human being.  I remember her braiding my hair into tight braids because that was what was easiest for her.   I remember her picking out every outfit I had for a special occasion, with out me.  I remember always feeling that I needed to be with my family.  I always felt, even at 8,9, 10 that going out with friends, was somehow a betrayal.  I remember she never helped me with my homework or inquired about what I needed.  All so distant.

I remember one time in the summer (Sis and I spent summers pretty much locked in our house.  We weren't allowed to go outside because it scared NM who was at work.)  I babysat, cleaned, did chores, and sat around.  I had started to start suppers for her before she came home.  She would call on the phone and give me the instructions on what to do.  Brown the hamburger.  Boil noodles.  Pretty soon I became adept and could cook whole meals.  I noticed that her kitchen was a bit disorganized and disheveled.  Not horrible so.  So, I thought, in my little innocent mind, that I would clean an organize her cupboards.  I didn't rearrange things terrible.  I didn't overhaul the whole thing.  But I wiped the drawers and the cupboards.  Lined up the spices.  Put like things with like and moved a few things to where they would be easier to access.  NM flew into a rage.  Not at me directly.  She screamed at my Dad about what a horrible person I was.  How dare I arrange HER kitchen?  I had screwed up all of HER things.  Where did I get off thinking I needed to do that?  Yup, that was mom.  No good deed went unpunished.

More Crazy Making and other acts of bullsh*t

I remembered a few more examples of craziness that I had to share.

When I was pregnant with my first son, we didn't find out the sex of the baby until he was born.  This drove my family crazy.  They harassed me endlessly about finding out.  Despite this, my mother "knew" the baby would be a girl.  She actually went so far as to say she had a dream that it would be a girl with dark curly hair and blue eyes (I'll give you one guess as to who else has these particular features).  She crowed about how she just knew, she could tell.  She sent me texts from my uncle who also "knew" it was a girl (and he was never wrong).    After the baby was born, we were in the hospital when mom announces "isn't it funny that I KNEW it would be a BOY!"  This is one of the first times I can recall really thinking she was loosing her mind.  What?!?  "Um, no mom, you repeatedly told me that it would be a girl."  No, she argued.  She had always said boy.  She had bought all that blue stuff (what stuff?!?).  When I flat called her out and told her she was full of it, she said "Well, maybe I said girl.  But that's because I was trying to throw you off.  I was joking with you.  I knew it was a boy."  She said this over and over and over on different occasions.  I finally just took to ignoring it.  I had no clue as to what else to do.

My mother likes to act very superior.  She comes off as very snooty and stuck up.  And the bad part is, she thinks this is a good thing.  She thinks she looks good.  And most of the stuff isn't even true.   She watches a lot of TV shows.  She will text me during them, asking my thoughts, or just telling me hers (despite the fact that I don't watch the stupid shows).  She goes on and on about them.  One time, I asked her if she had seen a particular show.  Her response, was a snotty,  "I don't watch a lot of TV."  She went on to explain how she just doesn't have time, that by the time she gets home from her looonnng drive (a drive that she chose when she married my stepdad, but somehow feels we should feel sorry for her for.), cooks dinner (she often tells me how she only has yogurt for dinner), it's time for bed.  I wonder if she thinks I'm that stupid that I don't have recall of other things she tells me.  I marvel that she manages to try to look superior, get in a dig about how sad her life is, and make herself look like a martyr, all in one comment.

My mother has taken to telling outright lies about me to my sister.  Although, I'm sure she's always told lies about me, maybe these are just ones that I've actually caught her in.  She is afraid of my cat, well all cats.  I know she thinks that me getting a cat was a direct a front to her.  Regardless, when my second son was to be born, she planned on spending the week with me to help me (her idea, I didn't ask).  She has spent many nights at my home in the past with the cat.  There are lots of dramatics and lots of self-pity (which is a whole other story) on her part, but it has never stopped her from staying.  My sister called to tell me that mom was very upset.  Mom had told her that when the baby came she would have to stay in a hotel because we wouldn't keep the cat locked up.  That it was going to cost her astronomical amounts of money.  Poor her.  So many lies.  She had no intention of staying in a hotel. In fact, I had just talked about her staying the day before.   She made out like she was a victim, offering her services to help us, and that she had to suffer for it because we were so horrible.  We have always put up the cat when she's here.  We do let the poor thing out to use the litter box and eat.  We also let him out a bit more when my first son was born so that the cat wouldn't totally freak out with all the changes AND being locked in a room.  But we try to be as sensitive to her as possible, despite the fact that we are exhausted, that it adds to our stress, that we had a new baby and had a lot of other things to worry about besides her and the cat.

My sister and her boyfriend having been getting more serious and mom wanted them to see a therapist, as they have some conflicts.  So, mom decided to tell sister that hubby and I had seen a therapist.  "They had lots of problems when they were first married and saw a marriage counselor."  Now, if I had needed to go to a therapist I surely would have.  I think therapy is important.  But the fact is, this is a BOLD FACED LIE.  She managed to make hubby's and my marriage look shaky AND used us to try and strong arm my sister into doing what she wanted.  My husband asked if I was going to confront her on it.  I told him it wouldn't matter.  She'd have some excuse.  She'd say that it was just to help out my sister.  She'd say my sister misunderstood.  Blah, blah, blah.  What would be the point?  Going round and round on something that would never come to a conclusion.  I had tried it all before and she always had some bullsh*t story.

A few examples of crazy making

My mother has taken up the habit of finishing my sentences.  I'm not sure if she has always done this and I'm only now noticing it or if it is some sort of recent desperate attempt to enmesh us.  It drives me crazy.  She will but into the middle of a sentence, attempt to guess what I'm going to say, or even worse, say the same thing I say two seconds after me.  And then she acts like it was her original idea.  When I first noticed it I thought she was loosing her mind.  Now, I know it is her way of stealing the spotlight.

We often spend the day together while my husband does things with my stepfather.  When they come home, she will rush to the door and start barraging them with a "show" she puts on with my son as a puppet.  They haven't even hung up their coats before she starts with "show grandpa how I showed you blah, blah, blah".  Say "polly wants a cracker" (or whatever ridiculous thing she thinks she has taught him).  She then recounts the day with the royal "WE".  As in WE did this, WE did that.  The thing is mostly, WE didn't do any of the things.  She recounts diaper changes and naps and things that I did as stuff she did.

My MIL and Mom both have the annoying habit of staring off into space as you are talking to them.  They then turn and say "Hey!"  and then repeat back exactly what I just said to them!  This is infuriating to me.  My MIL recently did it to my husband.  He was worried about her mental health.  I'm not worried at all.  She, like my mother, is so self absorbed that even external voices are attributed to themselves.

My MIL covets.  When she enters my home, she's always remarking on something.  I often feel I am under a microscope.  She then exclaims "OH, FIL, isn't this great!  I want to get something JUST LIKE THIS!"  I assume she thinks this is a compliment.  But it has grown extremely tiresome that this woman, who has no identity for herself, steals mine.  I know they say imitation is the greatest form of flattery, but it can be overdone.  It can feel like nothing you have or are belongs to you.  And she can't be that in love with everything I do.  Anyway, cut to a few months later, and we will visit her in her home.  Of course, she will have gotten the item/stolen the decorating technique and then she has the nerve to act like it was her idea.  She'll make a big fan fair and brag as if she did something special.  She has "adopted" my hobbies, my way of wrapping Christmas presents, my interests, remodeled her kitchen right after we did, and followed us to Europe on a trip (she attempted to "meet" us there, but thank god husband put the hold on that!).  Then, she goes around acting all worldly and involved to her friends like she is actually the person instead of the sham that she is.  Enough to make me insane.

"You're a good mom"

My mother sent me an email today asking about my kids and I, who have come down with an illness.  She almost seems to enjoy when we get sick, as it gives her an excuse to call, text, and email.
Anyway, at the bottom, she said "had a great weekend!  You are a good mom."  Just like that, sort of tacked onto the end of the email like a salutation.  Now, normally, this would be a nice comment to hear from someone.  Normally, seeing this written wouldn't make me annoyed.  But when it comes from my mother, it means next to nothing to me and it reeks of saccharine phoniness.   I don't even know if she's serious.  I'm not sure what it is she's referring to that makes her think I'm a good mom.  I don't know if she's saying it to gain some sort of favor with me.  It's possible she's saying it just to make herself look good.  I'm sure that somehow she feels SHE needs to validate my mothering for me to feel good about myself.  In fact, it's this last truth that bothers me the most.  Do I appreciate validation from others?  Yes.  Do I need it?  Hell no.  Especially not from her.  It annoys me because somehow, I sense she believes I think I am not a good mother.  Funny how such a small statement, one that would be a compliment on the tongue of anyone else, is such a loaded, barbed statement with her.

Narcissistic Hangover

Well, I survived the weekend with my NMom and NMIL.  The birthday party went well (which isn't really the right word, but I believe that I honored my son as best I could).  By Saturday afternoon, my older son and I were both sick though, and I'm sure it was that the adrenaline finally released and my body gave up.  Luckily, this encouraged NMom to go home.  No fun for her with us all being sick.

At first, as I looked back on the weekend, I felt confused.  I hadn't felt the overwhelming anxiety.  I hadn't had the pit in my stomach and heart pounding I usually had.  I hadn't felt strung out.  And this lack of feeling anxiety caused me anxiety.  Maybe I had been wrong.  Maybe they weren't the narcs I had thought them to be.  I felt back at square one.  The problem actually was me.  They were fine, I was oversensitive.  All these light bulb moments, all these revelations, all these answers I had seemed to find seemed void.  Maybe if I had just been nice all these years, let things go, not stressed so much, things would be fine.  I felt sick again.

So, I re-examined the weekend.  Yes, there had been no blow-ups.  My anger and annoyance hadn't bubbled up at my mom and MIL.  I hadn't feel the extreme helplessness I usually feel.  But was that because they hadn't been their narcissistic selves?  Nope, they had launched narc attacks at me all weekend.

My MIL had started out the morning by compounding my stress and making things difficult.  This was to be a small, intimate party to celebrate my son's first birthday.  A milestone, a big birthday, something important.  She calls two hours before the party and "asks" my husband if it'll be alright if her Uncle stops by.  He's travelling up from another state and wants to visit and she's asked him to come by.  Now, this is not a close relative.  This is not someone I have met more than once in my 14 year relationship with my husband.  He could not tell you my name, nor do I think he even knows we have a son.  Technically he is "family", but very distant family.  But he had called her and wanted to visit HER.  And instead of saying "oh, I'm sorry, we'd love to visit, but today isn't going to work for us"  she invites him to our house.  I felt it to be extremely rude.  I felt that she was taking focus away from my son.  This was a milestone birthday.  Something special.  Time to focus on celebrating this child.   We didn't have time to have a family reunion.  We didn't have time to entertain virtual strangers.  We didn't have time to give them a tour of our home, which she kept hinting at.  (And by the way, every conversation she had with these people was her bragging about OUR home.  She gave all these details.  She discussed every design choice.  She revealed in the glory of what WE had.)  And she gave us no choice.  She gave us no option.  She 'asked' if it would be OK, but did we really have a choice of how to respond?  When the "party crashers" (as they called themselves, loudly announcing as they came into the room) showed up, she ignored them.   My SIL had to push her to go greet them.  She then made a big deal out of them and proceeded to introduce them to all of HER family.  HER grandkids, HER sons.  I had to introduce my self.  My stepfather introduced himself.  It was uncomfortable for everyone.  But I let it not bother me.  They were HER guests, so she could entertain them and I didn't feel one ounce of guilt as they sat around staring.  Not my problem.  This was about my son.  Too bad that the woman who claims her grandkids mean so much to her couldn't see that.  After the party was well over with and I had cleaned up much of the food and party stuff, my MIL wanders over and offers to help clean up.  Really?  Now?  You didn't offer any help as I ran around putting on the whole party myself.  "It's done."  I said.  She blinked at me.  "Well,  I could help."  Well, it was done, I stated again.  And besides, they were wheeling her very elderly MIL out the door to put her in the car.  What was her MIL to do why she cleaned up?  Sit in the car like a dog?  Again, MIL"s  trying to look like the good guy while sacrificing everyone else.  She then says "Well, sorry about my uncle stopping by.  He called and...." and she trails off in a big phony laugh.  "And what?"  I wanted to scream.  First of all the uncle didn't just stop by.  YOU invited him.  But you don't seem to take any responsibility for that.  There is no "I"m sorry if that inconvenienced you."  No true apology or consideration for me, my husband, or my son.  She didn't even offer up a valid reason as to why she invited him.  She just laughed.  And although I got angry for a bit the next night, it didn't consume me.  In fact, just the fact that I allowed myself to be angry about it was big.  To say that what she did was wrong, was a HUGE step for me.  To not feel guilty and play hostess and fix problems she created was big.  I only wish I'd told her that what she did was rude and disrespectful.

My mom was a bit more restrained.  She knew that she was on shaky ground with me.  She watched herself.  As she is such a textbook narcissist, it is interesting to watch how well she can hide it.  But there were signs.  She shows my sons tons of toys on her computer.  And then she criticizes him for wanting all of it.  "Don't you think you have enough toys?  Shouldn't we be happy just to spend time together?"  To watch her set up my three year old like that sinks my heart.  She lays out the toys and then tells him he shouldn't want any.   And this is the same woman who brings down the whole toy store every time she comes.  She plies my kids with materialistic things and then whines that they don't appreciate her for her but rather what she brings.   "I wonder what your mom thinks of that?"  She asks my son, implying that she finds it interesting that I would condone such greed.  A little jab at my parenting.  But I don't bite.  "He's three, mom.  That's what 3 year olds do."  And in fact, he's actually a very thoughtful and conscientious kid.

She makes a big deal out of always trying to get the kids to come to her when they are with their dad.  Trying to prove they like her and want to be around her more.  She makes a big show as my in-laws leave, proclaiming she's going with them, and getting my son to get worked up stating "you can't go."  She's trying to throw it in MIL's face that my son wants her to stay but doesn't care MIL is leaving.  This was something I actually found funny.  Well, not funny, but very interesting to watch.  My MIL does this to me all the time.  Letting the two narcs duel it out was easier than dealing with it myself.

Mom made a big deal about how I was doing all the work for the party.  But she really didn't offer to help.  In fact, she kept trying to distract me with conversation.  At least, she wasn't constantly rearranging my decorations like she usually does.

I accidentally caught my son's ear while combing his hair.  He told me not to do it again.  I apologized and tried to be more carefully.  My mom snapped "And SHE used to complain that I braided her hair too hard." Well, not exactly the same thing.  She did braid my hair tightly and never cared that it hurt and in fact did it on purpose. It had to be tight or it wouldn't stay put, she claimed.  And god forbid she have to re-braid my hair.  And never mind the fact I didn't want my hair in braids in the first place.   The fact that she couldn't see how my accidentally combing my son's ear was a completely different situation is beyond me.  How she couldn't resist the zinger was annoying.  But I didn't take the bait.

She had snarky remarks to my step dad (taking the opportunity to take him down a peg while she had an audience), she gossiped about his kids, and the more she drank, the nastier she got.  The more the masked slipped.  But I tuned her out.  There were a million little things, but none of them bothered me like they used to.  I actually could see her as a very pathetic, lonely, sad person with nothing of value or substance in her life.  But that is her problem, not mine.

In the end, after much introspection yesterday, I realized that, no, they are still the same old narcs they always were.  I was the one who had changed.  I am becoming different.  The cloud of depression and anger and inner rage is leaving.  I feel some level of peace.   I don't have to rise to their bait.  I don't have to take their crap.   I don't have to react to them at all.  Did some of it hurt?  Yes.  Do I worry about my children?  Yes.  In fact, this is my biggest struggle still.  But I don't feel I'm under their spell.  I don't feel their power of me.  They can do what they want and I don't feel the guilt of not responding how I "should".  Well, mostly.  It's a work in progress.  I'm a work in progress.  I know it'll be two steps forward and one step back.  But I'm done letting them have so much control and power in my life.  And I am not the problem.

Dismissed

For the sake of anonymity, some the details of the actual event will  be changed.
I have a close family member who posted something extremely offensive on FB.  Not only was it offensive to the people he posted about, but also to me personally.  This isn't unusual for this person, but I guess it finally got on my nerves.  But I didn't dare say anything.  I didn't want to rock the boat, so to speak, and judging by all the comments from this person's small minded "friends", I knew I'd be in the minority anyway.  And then I got angry at myself for not saying anything.  In the end, I just deleted this person as a FB friend, as I knew nothing I said would change them and would only open me up to ridicule.  So, better I just get rid of his stream of crap.
Anyway, I emailed my mother about it, as she is the person who links me to this relative.  At first, she was also disgusted, claiming how ridiculous it was.  The next day I received a very different email.  It was full of every narcissistic stereotype.  "Don't feel offended." she stated.  How can I not feel something?  And frankly, why should I not be offended.  Oh yeah, because that bothers her and god forbid she has to feel an uncomfortable feeling.  The offender is young, ignorant, uneducated, not as experienced as you, she said.  Oh, and so that excuses all of this person's rants?  Over and over she made excuses for why they would say something.  I wrote back, restating my point of view.  It was offensive to me, related directly to  me, and was scary in that people suggested violence towards these people.  It was just plain sick, I told her.  She wrote back saying she "hadn't understood the whole story".  Really?  I had clearly laid out the details before (and had the email chain to prove it).  But just one more excuse.  Then she turned it around to say how she puts this person in his place.  Why can't she just say, "you're right.  That is unacceptable.  I don't agree with them.  That is offensive."  Just one more example of how I'm not allowed to have feelings.  One more time that the validity of what I'm saying is argued against.  One more time where I'm expected to just "let it go".  I'm sure she'd say she just didn't want me to feel bad.  Hated seeing me upset.  But the end result is it was all about the fact that it made HER uncomfortable.

Worry, pity, bitterness and other emotions of my narcissistic mother

My mother is always worried about someone or something.  Someone is always dying.  Someone always has some horrible disease.  She worries that something could happen to someone.  She worries that some one might get an illness.  If she hears about a person younger than her that died of a heart attack with no known symptoms, she most certainly will dwell on that.  If someone is doing something that is out of her comfort zone, she will stress endlessly that something will happen to them.  A relative of mine was traveling to a small town for work that had a murder recently.  It was a senseless murder, with a very unlucky victim who happened to be in the wrong spot at the wrong time.  This town has had no murders before or after.  But this relative was in untold amounts of peril.  Mom was certain that she would get attacked, that she shouldn't go alone, that she should just refuse to travel there for work.  When I told her that she was being paranoid and that this relative would be more likely to get hurt in the big city that she and my mother were travelling to than this small town, my mother got very angry.  She barraged me with "proof" of this danger.  News reports and internet articles.  Everyone we know is always just on the brink of danger.  Everyone we know is so unlucky.  When someone she knew actually was dying of cancer, it was unbearable.  I received endless emails and monologues about how much it was effecting her.   How hard it was to watch for her.  And then the "revelations" she had were ridiculous.  It taught her that "family was everything".  You can die any day, Jessie.  It's important to live life to the fullest!  Respect your mother!  Live like those cheesy inspirational quotes she sent me.  Ugh.

In addition, she is endlessly plagued by illness and sickness herself.  My family has had a rough go of  endless colds the last few weeks, but my mother, well, she has REALLY been sick.  She tripped over a rug and sprained her ankle and was unable to walk for awhile and now is still limping.  She caught a cold and had to lay in bed all weekend (do you know how much I wanted to lay in bed all weekend?  What I wouldn't give!).  She has a face rash and a cancer patch on her nose.  All of these require separate doctors appointments.  I found out about the malignant cancer in an email titled "BIOPSY".  The biopsy revealed that it was not cancer.  But she was oh so relieved that they wouldn't have to cut of "half" her nose and it had been so "scary" for her.  Her back is messed up and goes out on her.  Getting old is a bitch, she claims.  Which I'm sure it is.  But the problem is, these maladies come and go. All of a sudden, something will just go away and you'll never hear about it again.  And she will never seek real treatment for them.  They are always problems that are beyond medical help.  All suggestions of treatment are dismissed and then we move on to the next tragedy.

Another favorite emotion of my mother's is pity.  She always "feels sorry" for someone.  Generally, these "someones" are people she recently complained endlessly about.  Telling me how horrible, stupid, mean, blah, blah, they are.  But then something happens, usually insignificant, and she feels sorry for them.  Not true empathy and compassion, but pity.  A pity that elevates her and makes the other person seem a pathetic victim of circumstance.  Some retched human being that is beyond help.  While she, the kindly, caring person feels so sorry for them.

If I'm not hearing about her Mother Theresa act, or her endless worries and illness, than it's bitterness.  How dare some one treat her like so and so did?  How dare they say that, do that, breathe, in her presence? Screw them for having money, or a nice car, or a nice home.  No one is deserving of the things they have.  Everyone is always milking the system or cashing in on something they shouldn't.  She is jealous about almost everyone and everything.  No matter that she has money and a nice car and a nice home.  She is been shit on and everyone else gets the things she deserves.  She works the hardest, she puts in the most time, she has pulled herself up farther than anyone.  Everyone else skates or is just plain lucky.

Conversations are rarely about anything other than these three emotions.  It is exhausting.

The Anxiety of Leaving my Children

People have been pushing me to leave my children with a babysitter almost since they were born.  In fact, before I was even pregnant my MIL (mother-in-law) used to say "I will watch the baby..." all the time.  Before I had kids, I never thought I'd have too much trouble with leaving my kids.  But I've found it far harder than I though, and for a variety of reasons.

As a disclaimer, I have left my kids.  I've left my son with my mother for a couple hours at a time on a few occasions (mainly when I had my second son).  I take Caleb to preschool two days a week.  I've left him with my SIL.  I just don't leave him often.  He is 3.  My baby, I've only left with my mom once for an hour.  Their dad stays with them a lot so I do get some time to myself.

But, you'd think I never left my kids.  Our friends constantly suggest we get a babysitter.  Mainly it is the friends without kids.  They don't understand that it's not that easy to just plop your kids (one of which is breastfeeding) and go out for the night.  Babysitters are expensive and the grandparents are an iffy option.  Our other friends have grandparents who are pretty much nannies.  They also don't get my concerns.  I feel so judged and pushed.

My mother, the narcissist, has watched my kids on occasion.  Never at night, but for a few hours here or there.  I can not trust her much longer.  She is really good for a few hours.  But then it starts to get on her nerves.  The novelty wears off and the kids get annoying.  She gets short with them.  She snaps.  She can be mean.  She orders them around pushing for control of them.   Even when she is here for an extended period of a few days, my older son gets testy and agitated until she leaves.  She makes everyone tense and on edge.   And then there is the price I pay after the fact.  When she takes the baby, she makes a big production of telling me that the baby didn't "need me".  She'll say to my son "See, you don't need your mom.  You did just fine without her.  You don't need her.  Tell her you don't need her."  And for those of you who have a narcissistic mother, I'm sure you can see what she is doing.  Divide and conquer.  Make herself look like she is just as good, if not better, than I am at taking care of my son.   It's good to know my son didn't have an awful time away from me.   But I don't think I need to be pushed away like that.  Then, there is always the martyr part of the babysitting.  As much as she pushes and pushes to babysit, after the fact, she'll complain how tired or exhausted she is.  Or how much we owe her (in appreciation) for babysitting.  Even when she is just here helping me with my kids (and I still do 90% of the work) she'll complain to my stepdad how exhausted she is.  (Which is funny, because if I say that taking care of the kids is a lot of work, she'll dismiss my feelings, telling me "well, you just do it.  When I had kids, I just got used to it.  It's not that much work if you do it everyday.  You should be used to it.").  She pushed my husband to leave one day and get out to do a hobby he loves.  She exclaimed how much she loves spending time with me and my kids.  Well, when he came back she snipped over and over about how, while HE was out having FUN, she took care of HIS kids all day.  Never mind, that I was there all day too.  You'd have thought she'd done it all by herself and he made her watch them.  Her babysitting is never free.  There is always a penalty.

My MIL is not much better.    She doesn't have the closest relationships with my sons.  She doesn't take a lot of time to get on the floor and play.  She doesn't ask them questions and really listen to them.  She spends a lot of time telling them how she feels about this or that.  It's hard to explain.  But her only conversations with them seem to be monologues about how she thinks or feels about them.  It sounds silly, I know, for me to say I get annoyed by her endless declarations of love.  But it's more than that.  It's just that every comment is related to her.  How she feels, what she thinks, what she likes.  It's never just "that's a nice shirt."  It's "GRANDMA likes your shirt."  "GRANDMA thinks your cute."    She just talks AT my kids, not to my kids.  And when she's not doing that, she's wrangling them on her lap, kissing them over and over, despite the fact that they want to get away.  It just seems she is always sucking energy and never giving anything back.  The kids are there to fulfill her needs for attention and gratification.

All of that I could tolerate, however, if I didn't have serious concerns about my kids safety in her care.  She is very scattered and unfocused.  She is very hyper and bounces around a lot.  She rushes through things in order to get them done, and often misses little details.  She has never watched my kids, but she does watch my niece and nephew.  Yes, nothing has ever happened to them.  But not for her lack of trying.  Here are a few of the things that happened that make me nervous:
*She can never figure out child car seats.  She has failed to buckle my niece into her seat correctly on so many occasions, I've lost count.   She has entrusted my FIL to buckle her in (who didn't know how to do it and had never received instruction) and didn't double check it so it remained loose.  She couldn't get her arms in once and had to have my husband do it.  She's just plain forgot to buckle her on a couple of occasions.
*We were at a swimming party when my niece was three.  We were all in the pool, but my SIL had put MIL specifically in charge of my niece.  I was holding my three month old when my niece fell under the water and and couldn't regain her feet.  I ran over and yanked her out of the pool.  My niece had been too far out for her height but had a "floaty" toy, so I guess MIL thought that was sufficient.  Now I understand accidents happen,  but what bothered me, is that it happened AGAIN, about 5 minutes later.  I again reached over and grabbed the sputtering child, trying desperately not to fall in myself with the baby.   I told MIL that she needed to be in the pool with her.  (She was sitting on the side).  She's fine, she argued.  This ticked me off.  She's not fine, she's three and someone needs to be in the pool with her!  Her uncle was right there, she snapped.  (This is a recurring idea with her.  She expects everyone else to be in charge with her.  That is a nice thought, but you can't count on someone else to look out for your kids.  They usually think someone else is watching and will walk away.  Hubby and I have a strict rule that we always have to make a point of saying out loud to each other who is in charge.  Then no one assumes the other is doing it and walks away, turns their back, etc.)  Anyway, she continued to argue with me, but finally stomped over and put a life jacket on her.  The whole incident left me shaken.  It's bad enough to let a toddler struggle underwater for any period of time, but then to argue it was fine, blew me away.
*She wanted to take my three year old on a carousel ride.  Not a kiddie carousel, but a big vintage one that goes very quickly.  He wanted to ride by himself, which is fine, as they have big seat belts, but after she got him buckled, she left him to go ride with my niece on the other side of the carousel.  She is always trying to be everything to all the kids at the same time, and consequently, often only is half focused on any one of them.  At the end of the ride, my son jumped off trying to get down.  There he dangled by the seat belt noosed around his armpits , feet a foot of the ground, as the ride still turned.  He was unhurt, but it was a miracle he hadn't choked himself, or hung off the other side where the gears and mechanisms are.
*She has put my niece to sleep on a half blown up air mattress when she was an infant.  She has fed her choking hazards.  She let my six month old suck on her metallic jewelry, paying no mind to the fact that it could pose a choking hazard and frankly is not a chew toy.  When hubby told her to not let her, she said "oh, he can't hurt my necklace".  The fricking necklace was the least of my concerns.  She was so busy with three kids on her lap, she didn't notice my four month old grabbing food off adults plates and trying to eat it.  She argued with my FIL that my 12 month old didn't need a seatbelt on a wagon ride.  Why would you NOT buckle him in, just to be safe?  She has not buckled my niece into a highchair and then turned her back.  My niece leaned way over to grab something and almost fell out.  One night, we went out to dinner and she could barely keep her eyes open she was so tired.  She decided to order a double beer (very tall glass) when she was driving my niece home.
*Hubby's family has loved filling me in on various crazy stories from their child hood.  She was driving the neighbor to school when he was 5, went around a corner, and the boy flew out the car door.  Her boys climbed the roof and ripped shingles off when they were 6-7 years old.  The boys shot bee bee guns at police cars.  The boys strung string across the rode to choke the neighbor lady as she rode her bike.  They set fires, got lost, etc.  Friends and relatives often remark about how their house was so chaotic when they were kids that it was like being in the monkey cage at the zoo.

Now, I know, accidents happen.  Kids get into things.  But she is SO unfocused.  So scattered, that these things seem to happen all the time.  She has such poor judgement.  She expects others to pick up her slack.  She doesn't take advantage of safety features that could help "just in case".  I don't understand why, if you have a seat belt, or restraint, or whatever, you wouldn't use it, especially with some one else's kid.  She forgets how little the kids are and allows things that they are not capable of.  When she watches my niece and nephew, they are hungry, always over tired, cranky, and crying.  She has a poor ability to anticipate the kids' needs until it's too late and they are screaming.  She is not very close to my son, even though he sees her way more than my parents.  He never asks about her like he does my dad, who he's seen only twice in four years.  She gets overtired quickly.  She doesn't know her own limits and often promises stuff that she is physically unable to do.  She can't say no to the kids and is always more worried that they will like her than keeping them safe.

So, these are my choices.  And as I think about either of them watching my kids, I have panic attacks.  I don't know what to do.  People do not understand these things, and think I'm just an overprotective, mean daughter-in-law/daughter.  But I worry about my kids.  If something happened to them, I'd never forgive my self.  I don't want to expose them to someone who would hurt them emotionally, or allow them to get hurt physically.  I know what it is like to be hung out to dry by your parents, and I don't want to not be there if they need me.  I want them to know I am there for them.  But I feel guilty.  I know they need time away from me.  I know my husband wants time with me.  I'd love to take a vacation away for the night.  But the sheer panic that closes off my throat each time I think about it, makes it seem impossible.   And as my kids get older and older, I know the time will come where I have to.

My Mother-in-Law

My relationship with my mother has colored every other relationship in my life.  It seems that she has fitted me with glasses, forcing me to see thing through her lens.  And as I break free, I'm often unsure if I'm seeing someone for who they are, or through the narcissistic lens.

One such relationship is with my mother-in-law, June.  June and I have never been particularly close.  She and I  are very different people.  She is loud and boisterous and hyper.  She often does not see others or  notice the effect she has on others around her.  She lacks self-awareness and is often unable to predict the consequences of her actions.  She is unable to step outside of herself and view things as others do, especially as others might perceive her.  She is blunt and speaks before she thinks.  She is controlling, manipulative, passive-agressive, and critical.  She tends to live in extremes.  Often things are labeled as "the best", and she seems to be very black and white in her thinking.  One thing is the best, and others line up in descending order.

Now, in looking at this description, it seems she has a lot of narcissistic characteristics.  And in fact, she and my mother's behaviors often feel the same to me.  The difference is that I don't believe her to be acting from the same place.  I don't see her as a person who is controlling others to boost herself or in a need to be the most powerful.  She is generous and I truly believe she wants what is best for her children and those around her.  She just spends so much time and energy trying to make everyone happy, that she often ends up making everyone unhappy.  I believe she has ADHD (and I don't throw these terms around, I actually have lots of experience in diagnostics for mental disorders).  I believe this is the root of a lot of her behaviors.  Regardless, though, the effect she has on me is very similar to the effect my mother has on me.

Here are some of the things she has done to drive me crazy:

*She often "teases" people but I find it to be mean.  When my husband graduated from college, the family had a big party.  Probably 45 people were there.  I overhead laughing at the next table.  When I asked what they were laughing at (quite loudly) no one responded.  Finally, when pressed, my MIL said "well, I was saying that I read an article about how laughing can increase your breast size and I said you must not laugh very much!" She cackled, everyone cackled, and I felt so embarrassed.  She will poke fun of people's weights or appearance.
*She struggles with boundries.  She's always standing too close or listening in on a conversation I'm having with someone else.  She's walked in on me changing twice (and she's only had the opportunity to do this about half a dozen times, so proportion wise, it's a lot).  I've purposely moved away from her as she sat too close to me.  She then followed me and actually pursued me around the room.  She asks very personal questions.  Her first question to me when she came to meet her grandson was if my nipples hurt.  Her FIRST question.
*She's pushy.  If she doesn't like my response to something, she'll keep asking.  Lots of times she'll just ignore me and do what she wanted to do anyway.  She harassed me for years about having grandkids.  I told her repeatedly that her son and I weren't ready, we needed to be more secure financially, but she pushed and pushed because all her "friends had grandkids".   She pushed us to get married.  She often pushes us to do things like she did (get married in the same month, live in a neighborhood like hers, relive my husband's childhood through my kids' childhoods.
*She can be rude.  She notices imperfections in my home keeping (I'm actually a very clean, organized person) but she'll point out the smallest thing.  She has told me my son has my "wide forehead".  She also told me that my son "unfortunately, has the Stewart (hubby's paternal side) nose.  None of MY boys has that nose, but I think your son will".  This blew me away.  Not only did she insult my son and her husband's family but then managed to boost herself up at the same time.  Not to mention that my son DOESN'T have that nose and that two of her son's DO.  I always feel like I'm under a microscope when she visits.  She always says "oh, you don't have to clean for us".  But she notices if we don't.  And she is not an overly clean person.  In fact, very cluttered and disorganized.  She has told my Sister-in-law she is getting fat ( while most of her family is overweight).  She often makes fun of people's appearances.
*She is very complimentary.  Often I believe her. But she seems to be complimenting me to try and gain my favor.  And she copies the thing that she complimented me on and then claims it for her own.  Sometimes though she is jealous.  I make a really good lasagna that she had heard about.  I finally made it for her.  She said "You do make a really good lasagna.  But I make really good spaghetti."  What kind of compliment is that?  It is typical for her to compliment herself, especially when it is something she really shouldn't take credit for.
*She likes to have her thumb on her kids.  She used to be worse and has gotten better.  But she tends to think of everyone as one big family unit still.  She expects the more fortunate kids to help out the less fortunate (weather it be with money, time, etc.).  She almost acts like everything is community property.  She often has "family vacations" planned that are manditory.  My husband and I always are required to pay our share.  Rarely do the other family members pay.  What irks me especially about this is that hubby and I are fortunate because we budget and work hard.  Other family members are spenders and don't work.  Why should we have to work hard so that others can benefit?  She tries to control relationships between family members by getting involved in things that don't involve her.  She will sacrifice someone's feelings to keep the peace (or the peace in her mind) with another.   She often likes to sweep things under the table instead of dealing with them and expects everyone else to do the same.  She used to (but less so now with my husband) use one child to convince another one of her children to do something she wanted.  "Why don't you tell them..." so that it would seem her idea came from someone else.  I've often felt bullied by her to do what she wanted.  It used to be that she would tell me that God had sent her special messages for me.  That God had told her I needed something or another to be told to me.  She also prays a lot that people will do what she wants them to do.  She sees nothing wrong with this.  She'll take from one person and give it to another, disrespecting someone's individual needs.  I've seen her take food off one grandkid's plate and give it to another because the second child finished first.  Doesn't matter if the first kid isn't finished yet or how that child feels about it.  This drives me insane.  All my in-laws have helped themselves to food off my plate without asking (after they've snarfed down their food.  I eat slower.  I always go away from family meals hungry)
*She is inconsiderate.  Actually, both of my in-laws are.  They like to drop by unannounced.  At dinner time or nap time.  They expect us to accommodate their schedule (and the schedule of Brother and Sister-in-law).  She shows up late for birthday parties.  When she comes in she makes a big scene about arriving, grabs all the kids and then hogs them the rest of the day.  She has exposed my kids to illness because she wanted to see them.  This is sneaky because she knows we would tell them not to visit if we knew they were sick.  So, she tells us after they have been here for awhile.  They often announce their plans instead of asking to see what works for us.  They never call us ahead of time, even when they know full well they will plan on stopping.  I feel like they bulldoze me.
*She makes me feel like a snob.  I am not.  I just grew up with some rules of decorum.  I try to be respectful of others.  And I am raising my children that way.  She will tell her sons "Don't do that, Jessie doesn't like it" as they put back food from their plate into the main dish if they don't like it.  It makes me feel small and stupid.
*She has first tier and second tier family members.  Her sons, her, and her husband are first tier.  She has ornaments with names on them on her Christmas tree.  First tier people got big ornaments.  Second tier people (me and my sister-in-laws) and the dog got much smaller ornaments.  She gives much more expensive gifts to her sons.  She makes sure that all of her sons favorite meals are at holiday gatherings, but ridiculed my SIL for wanting something special.  She picks out special gifts for her sons, but has a "rote" gift she gives me and my SIL.  She gives us the same thing every year and the same thing to both of us even though we have different taste.  I understand her sons are her actual children and I expect some favoritism.  And it's not about the gifts or money.  It's about the blatant display of separation between us.
*She is gossipy.  She'll tell me things that she thinks my SIL and BIL are doing wrong with their kids but acts like it's out of  her concern for them.  But she doesn't mention it to them because she doesn't want to interfere and be "that MIL".  I don't trust her with anything because she tells everyone everything.  She doesn't respect privacy.  She accidentally sent pictures of my SIL's exposed body after delivery of her baby to her husband's boss.  And thought it was funny.  I can only imagine what "concerns" she expresses to my SIL about me.
*One of the biggest bones of contention is that I'm allergic to her dog.  When BIL and SIL could no longer keep their dog, she took it, knowing full well that I was allergic.  Now, she has every right to have a dog and I would never begrudge her it.  But it makes it difficult to go to her house.  For years, I was made to feel like my life-threatening allergy was a nuisance, like she had to go to all this extra work to accommodate me.   She has never once asked me about my asthma or allergies or how she can make it easier on me, but often comes to me with "cures".  I spent years and money on medications, shots, and every thing I could to stop it.  Nothing worked.  She now lets the family's 6 dogs come to her house on holidays, and then acts hurt that we don't go.  I know there has been rumbling behind my back that I can't attend.  When I would go they would put the dog in a back room.  The dog would shortly be back out because the dog was whining and felt "left out".   The dog always laid at my feet but no one moved it.  There was one wooden chair in the house I could sit in because they others were covered in hair and dander.    Finally, when I got pregnant, I decided enough was enough.  I couldn't go because I refused to put myself or my baby's health at risk to appease someone.  The kicker was when she told me she'd never get a cat because my BIL and SIL are allergic and they "would kill" her.  It makes it hard on hubby because we often can't go to his home town to visit.  Or we have to spend lots of money to visit.  And then we can't go to his parents house for more than a few hours.  He totally supports me, but it sucks for him.
*She pushed me to be friends.  But it came from a "keep your friends close but your enemies closer" stance.  She always told me that she didn't want to be "that MIL" because she didn't want to loose her sons.  But in doing so, she's pushed me away.  She tried to force a relationship and friendship but didn't want to let it develop and blossom over time.  She seemed anxious and panicked about getting me into the fold, so to speak.  She wasn't interested in finding a mutual satisfying relationship.  It was all about meeting her needs and she either ignored or plain bowled over anything I felt.  Most of her behaviors towards me feel phony.

So, I'm stuck with this woman and feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place.  I always feel like something is wrong with me as I've struggled with both the "mothers" in my life so much. Is it just me?   How much of what I feel is tainted by my relationship with MY mom.  How much is she really overbearing, pushy, and just plain socially inept?  And how to I resolve my feelings with her?  For years, I spent trying to do what I could to make it work.  I never rocked the boat.  I never stood up to her.  I never laid down boundries.  And now things are out of control.   There is so many things simmering.  And, now, when I do say something, she becomes huffy and offended.   Often she is so defensive that the point is lost.  I never learned to speak frankly with my own mother (in fact, was discouraged to do so) and now I don't know what to do in this situation.  Where is the line between a boundary and being rude?

Purpose of Blog

I am new to this.  I was inspired by another blogger to finally tell my story.  But I struggle.  I have been anxious and tense for days.  My heart has palpitated uncontrollable.  My hands shake and I have generalized anxiety even signing up for the blog.  All because I'm afraid to write about my mother.  I'm afraid she'll find this.  I'm afraid she'll be angry.  She will turn it on me and make me feel horrible about it.  But I have to purge these things.  I have to tell my stories.  I have to get rid of them banging around in my head, so I can move on.  I need to let them go so that I can be a better wife, mother, and person.
My parents divorced when I was a teenager.  I have one sister and two step-parents.  My relationship with most of them is...difficult.  But it is my mother who causes the most chaos in my life.  Over the past years, I have become aware of the reality that is my mother.  And as I have started my own family, once blurry ideas have come into sharper focus.  I seen things through a new lens, a new perspective.  And it has left me on shaky ground.  I feel stronger now, but also terrified.  Seeing the reality of my childhood, my mother, and myself has sent me into a tailspin wondering just who the hell I am.  
I hope that by telling my story, even if it's to myself, I can remove myself and move on.  Send it to God with a prayer for healing.  I don't wish to cut my mother out of my life.  There are moments I enjoy with my mom.  In reading on narcissism, I don't believe my mom to be on the far end of the spectrum.  I do believe she loves me and wants what is best for me.  But I think she loves herself and wants what's best for herself more.  I think she is so all consumed in herself that she can't see me.  I think she truly believes she is a wonderful, caring, giving mother who does all for her children and gets nothing in return.  I think she is sick and wounded.  She has reason to have issues.  But she takes it out on me (and other's around her).  In her obsessive desire to be the center of the universe, no one is immune to being sacrificed.  She is an addict, who will do anything to fill her self up with admiration, love and attention.
So, I need to write these stories to let go.  To mourn and release the idea that my mom will ever be that nurturing, supportive mom I so needed.  To see it all in black and white, so that when she is around she no longer controls, and manipulates me and makes me feel so small.
This blog will most likely be rambling.  No rhyme or reason.  I often am too analytical, to thoughtful, to guarded.  I want to give myself permission to just let it go.  To purge the stories as they bubble up.  To find myself, and find my strength, so I will no longer be a player in someone else's script.