The Last Supper

Many of the stories from this evening I've told before, but not in one post.  I was triggered by another blog on adult bullying into remembering this evening and I thought I'd like to get it all out for my records.  Please feel free to skip it.  (It will also be unedited and most likely misspelled, so please excuse me.)

This was three years ago, almost to the month. The details may seem like not that big of deal, but the whole experience really wore on me.  MIL and FIL had wanted to meet with us and BIL and SIL and our children for dinner.  At the time, my oldest child was not quite four and my youngest was an infant.  It was a very busy weekend in our town and when we arrived at the restaurant there was a long line.  MIL and FIL were at the bar.  The restaurant has a buzzer system (they buzz you when a table is read), so BIL, SIL, DH, and I took our children down to a local park to play.

Over an hour went by and we still had no table.  It was getting later (very near my children's bed time) and the kids were getting hungry, tired, and cranky.  I had not brought along extra snacks, as I usually do, and I was getting anxious and upset.  I felt we should have decided that it was getting too late and just call it a night.  Or, at a minimum, when the time ticked away, we maybe should have discussed another alternative (like getting food from the grocery store and having a picnic instead).  But everyone said it should just be "a few more minutes".

Finally we were paged and I was not looking forward to the meal.  MIL was in her usual giddy mood, sopping up the glory of being in the middle of her family.   As we walked to the table, she kept telling my young son that she had a gift for him but it was in the car (just out in the parking lot).  She had told him as we arrived at the restaurant that she had something for him and so he, being three, was quite anxious to get it.  I finally asked her why she just didn't go get it for him.  My son was following her around asking when he could have it and she kept telling him he'd have to wait.  I grew irritated.  When I asked her to get it, she replied "it's out in the car".  I said "well, you should go get it for him.  Right now, you're bribing him to get him to sit by you by withholding it."  She snickered - she gets this gleeful look on her face, "tee-hee-hee"ing and smirking.  "I know!"  she said.  "That's not really OK with me.  You can not bribe my children."  I told her.  Not that it did any good.  She just ignored me.

As we sat down, of course, my son wanted to sit next to her and FIL.  Usually, I try to keep me and my kids at arm's length from MIL.  She has some odd quirks at restaurants and it helps me to feel better if we are out of her reach.

MIL has some weird issues with food.  Clearly, food is a comfort source to her, but it's more than that.  Her entire FB feed is filled with recipe after recipe.  She's not an overly heavy woman, although definitely overweight, and she is constantly on a diet.  She is very jealous that I am not heavy.  She can not control herself around food.  She will select a small amount for her own plate, but then she will pick little pieces off the main plate.  I've seen her devour two extra pieces of pizza this way, cutting sliver after sliver off pieces left in the box until she has finished two more.  But she'll claim she only at one and wonder why she gains weight.  BIL also does this.  MIL also has no problem criticizing my SIL for what she eats and threatening she'll "get fat and BIL doesn't like that." (I about fell of my chair when SIL told me she said this to her.)  At a recent meal, MIL ordered a plate of nachos "for the table".  However, when it came, she placed it in front of herself. She doled out some to others (she never really offered anyone any) by using her own fingers, which she then would lick off.  She pretty much ate the whole plate herself.  And then she ordered a "small bowl of soup" for her actual meal.  It's amazing to watch how much she deludes herself.

She is also quite possessive over ALL of the food on the table.  She takes inventory over what everyone has and is constantly scoping out what people are eating.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I don't mind sharing bites or allowing people tastes of food.  I'm OK with family style dining.  (Although, with my ILs, they snarf food down so fast that I often don't get very much to eat.  If we eat pizza, I generally get one piece, as I'm a slow eater, before they devour what is left.)  When we first started dating, I would try and chat with the family at meals.  However, I quickly learned that after they inhaled their food, they would start eyeing my plate and helping themselves.  Again, I would go away hungry.

And MIL seems to get some sort of pleasure out of the specific act of eating someone else's food.  It's hard to explain, but it feels like a way of "marking her territory".  Like she gets some intimacy out of having my husband, especially, share his food with her.  It's not so much about the food, but about the person who's food it is.  She also is constantly trying to force him to eat her food off her plate.  Again, I stress, it's not about the sharing of the food for her, but about the invasion of his boundaries that she likes.  It's weird and frankly grosses me out (MIL has some emotional incest problems.  She often seems to see my husband as a companion, someone to admire her, rather than a mother-son relationship.  She also used to use DH and BIL as surrogate spouses to get the other siblings "in line" when she couldn't get FIL to help.  FIL tends to be a bit of a child himself and doesn't take a leadership role in the family.  He likes to be taken care of.)  Due to her lack of boundaries in this area, DH and I always try to sit away from MIL.  (He sees it too.)

I don't mind sharing or giving bites, but I don't like food being taken off my plate without asking.  I don't like when I haven't even had a chance to try my food before she's demanding some.  I don't like when they hog down their food and then demand some of mine before I've had my fill.  They act like I'm "odd" for feeling this way.

On this night, DH and I had agreed to order a small appetizer and a meal for my son immediately upon sitting down so that we could get the kids home for bed.   BIL ordered food for his kids, but he, SIL, MIL, and FIL all decided to languish over the menu and decide at some time later.

When the food arrives, MIL instantly starts bobbing and weaving and almost raising out of her chair to see what we are having.  Keep in mind, she has a very large meal on it's way and DH and I are splitting a small appetizer between the two of us.  She starts in on my husband "what do you have down there?!?"  DH tells her.  Then she asks for a taste of his beer (personally, and this is my issue, but I don't like sharing drinks with a bunch of people as the germ factor gets to me.)  She starts hassling my husband again, asking him how it tastes.  Clearly she wants some.  The woman can't wait for her own food (remember, she's a bit of a glutton) and she's trying to poach off our small meal.

At this point, the kids meals come.  They (MIL, because she always orders for my niece and nephew) had ordered pizza (a very large one) for my small niece.  My son ordered a burger which came with fries.  MIL instantly starts swiping his fries and dipping them in his ketchup (again, the germ factor.  This grosses me out.  I've also seen her use my son's napkin.  To me, this is a huge boundary violation.)  MIL starts hollering that my niece needs some fries too.  MIL think it's HER job to distribute food and determine who needs what.  Niece was not asking for fries, nor did she seem particularly concerned about it.  And yes, my son had more than he could eat, but DH and I had planned to share with him.  MIL also thinks it's her job to "re-distribute" family resources, determining who should pay for things, and how much.  She takes from some and gives to others as SHE sees fit and it really drives me crazy.

I'm becoming increasingly agitated by all of this.  DH grabs a plate, loads it with fries and passes it down to to my niece.  MIL is clearly annoyed by this and keeps grabbing fries and swiping them in my son's ketchup.  So, DH hands down the ketchup.

And this is were the lecture starts.  MIL starts in, while addressing my son, "It's GOOD to share.  WE SHARE IN THIS FAMILY."  She goes on and on for about five minutes as I precede to feel shamed and embarrassed.  Clearly the lecture is meant for me.  DH claims it's not, because she didn't address me directly, but I know it was.  We've had similar issues in the past and she bristles at me putting up boundaries.  It annoys her that DH limits her invading his meal space.  She is loudly proclaiming for the whole table the virtues of sharing.  But it's clear that it's being directed towards my end of the table.

And I am more than willing to share.  I am a very generous person.  But, as I thought later, this isn't sharing!!  Sharing involves on person making a choice about what they would like to give and to give.  And one has to feel ownership over something in order to share it.  If it is a communal resources that is NOT sharing.  And if some TAKES from you without asking, that is not sharing, that is TAKING.  If you have no choice in the matter, how can that be sharing?  I do not make my children share either.  If you force them to do it, than the lesson of it feeling good to share is missed.  They don't get the actual point.  I encourage it.  I talk about it.  But I do not force it.  I do not force my kids to give me or my husband food off their plate.  I always allow them to make the choice.   I felt violated by her making the choice for my son AND by going against my parental authority of how I want to teach my children.

By now, I'm FUMING.  I'm embarrassed, feeling shamed, and feeling very violated.  I'm also feeling very isolated.  I am often an "outsider" labeled as an odd duck with odd ways in the family.  It has been pointed out many times before, when I've upheld -what I believe to be- basic manners and conventions, that I'm uptight or rigid (things like asking before borrowing something, returning it in good shape, not putting food off your plate back into a family dish, not wandering around the table inspecting peoples meals when you are a grown up.  Seriously, DH's adult brother -granted he has some learning disabilities but is capable of understanding basic conventions - will walk around the table in restaurants examining what everyone has ordered.  They have no boundaries when it comes to food and I am the "odd duck" for expecting some.)  We finish up our food, throw down money for our share of the bill and attempt to leave.

At this point, MIL jumps up and declares NOW she's ready to give my son he gift.  I take my infant and go to our car, asking them to please hurry as we need to get the baby to bed.  They take my son and are gone for quit a bit.  When I see them finally coming, my FIL is meandering down to our car, pointing out other vehicles and naming the brand names of cars.  They clearly know we are in a hurry, but are dawdling.  When they get to the car, the stall some more and start conversations and open the car door to play with the baby.  I am FURIOUS but still sit there, saying nothing.  I know if I say anything that 1) I'll explode and 2) DH will be angry with me for "causing trouble" and "being difficult".

We finally leave and I am shaking with anger.  To be honest, I've rarely been that angry.  I felt violated, shamed, angry, hurt, and disrespected.  I can not even speak I'm so angry (and I rarely get like that.)  I have had enough of being a doormat to these people.  DH asks me what's wrong.  I tell him I'm angry.  He says "you hate my family!"  He becomes increasingly upset with ME.  Sure, MIL crossed some lines, he says, but was it that big of a deal?  Sure, they dawdled, but they were just trying to spend time with my son (by the way, they have NO respect for our time.  It is a huge issue with me that their time is important, while our's is not.)

We get home and put the kids to bed and I continue to be upset.  This was long before I understood shaming, or social collusion, or adult bullying.  This is before I learned about boundaries.  All I knew was that I was angry and my husband was blaming me for over reacting and ruining the meal.  For never being able to get along with my in-laws.  The discussion continues in which he points out that I "can't get along with anyone".  Anyone includes my NM and my NSIS and his family.  He disregards all of the people I DO get along with.  He is blaming me for all of the problems in the family and saying that I need to learn "how to deal with it".  But I don't know how to deal with it.  How to make my feelings of being violated go away.  How to not feel completely helpless in the situation.

I ended up that night in my closet with my father's pistol, ready to commit suicide.  I could not figure out any other way out.  I seemed to be the root of everyone's problems and I felt if I just "got out of the way" they could all go on and be happy.  DH talked me out of it and put me to bed, as I shook and cried.  He thought I was being dramatic and threatening suicide for effect.  I knew that I was seriously at the end of my rope.

I sunk into a deep depression and then shortly after stumbled upon narcissism.  It all finally made sense and the cloud started to lift.  I quit feeling I was the root of all problems.  It has been a LONG road.  DH still doesn't always understand it, although he's MUCH better.  But I no longer feel helpless.  I no longer feel I am to blame.  I no longer feel suicide is my only option.

Narcissistic Ping Pong (Or: Why it's a Bitch to set Boundaries with an N)

A little background first.  NM has been privy to many times that I have been upset by MIL.  I have confided in her many times and she has seen, first hand, some of the crazy behaviors MIL has had towards me.  In the beginning, when I actually thought she had my back, I would tell her a lot of stuff.  I've learned to temper what I say (where it was later used as "evidence" of why I was wrong in arguments.  Clearly, I couldn't get along with "anyone", neither NM, MIL, or NSIS, so it must be ME, she would imply.  In a discussion with NM about an issue I was having with NM, my confidence was turned into "proof" that was wrong.)  If NM didn't throw it in my face, I know NM felt a secret "alliance" with MIL.  I know my difficulties with my MIL helped her to believe it was all my fault too.

Rarely did my NM express any real empathy or sympathy.  She'd offer a few stories about how she was treated as a DIL, and then run off on a tangent with that.  And I never felt like I had her support.  She gives MIL just as much credibility as me in the issue.  Meaning: to NM, it's like just as much me as it is my MIL.  I get no benefit of the doubt as her daughter.

Several times, she's become indignant at MIL's behavior towards me.  I've heard "I can't believe how these people treat you.  It really pisses me off."  And I really do believe she is fully angry and sees the treatment for what it is.  Not to support me, but because she loves to take the victim side that someone would treat HER daughter that way.  She and my MIL have had a few minor scuffles.  NM has been annoyed (by her own admission) by MIL's behavior at times and sees MIL as trying to one up her.  She often expresses jealousy over the fact that we (and the grandkids) "see MIL more often."  followed up with "you'd think they'd be closer."

When I've explained clear hazards with MIL babysitting, NM agrees that it's an issue, but than always suggests that MIL should babysit too.  I think this is more about her being angry that I don't allow EITHER of them alone with the kids and so she thinks she and MIL are on the same "team" to get freer access to the kids.

Several times, NM has flat agreed with MIL.  Several times, she completely invalidates me by saying "Well, she's always been nice to me."  "(DH's parents) are so nice."  (Step mom does this too me too.) Last summer, she spent time after OS's baseball game chatting with my ILs in the parking lot (about 20 minutes) instead of spending her last bit of time with her grandkids (whom she says she doesn't get enough time with.)  When we called to see if they were OK because they hadn't arrived yet, she said "WHAT? Can't we bond with your ILs?"

Which, I suppose, if they actually liked each other would be fine.  But they don't.  They dance around each other like animals over territory, very careful to always be cordially distant.  But, like I said, they've had confrontations.  MIL has clearly pissed off my NM on occasion.  But they don't talk often, aren't friends, and don't see each other.  They occasionally bond about "their generation".  And this summer MIL invited NM up to hang out at their vacation property.  Blech.


So, fast forward.  I have spent SIX years trying to get NM to tone down gifts: less money (it's obscene), less quantity (it's obscene), and when all else failed, just the SIZE.  (Gifts are often 2X3 ft. square -or more- and don't fold up.  These are not easy to store.  And my kids actually do use all of their toys (part of being a stay at home mom) and so it's hard to just give them away if they are still using them.  Anyway, it's my house, and if I don't want huge toys, so be it.  (And I'd even be willing to compromise, an occasional big gift if it was really cool and would be special to the kids.  But not 3 times a year: their birthday, their brother's birthday, and Christmas.  And a special extra trip for toys every time they visit. )  I have TRIED and tried and tried to curtail this shit.  Talking, boundaries, making it "clear".  But it's always circumvented: they've told the kids they have a "surprise", so it's hard to refuse or some other method.  When I would find a stop to it, they'd find a new route.  And it's "they".  Step dad teams up with NM on this one.  Grandparents are "meant" to spoil the kids.  It's their "right".  And, in some ways, they do spoil the kids in good ways: really cool experiences with Grand dad and some neat things.  But it is so excessive.

Two months ago, NM and I were talking about a similar situation in which a parent refused a grandparent's gift that was too large after being told it was not OK.  She thought this was awful and said "You tell me all of the time that I can't buy large gifts, but I do it anyway.  I mean, if I find something cool."  So, she clearly has heard my boundary, she clearly understands my boundary, and she clearly is choosing to ignore this boundary.  And she is choosing to justify it was an argument that sounds awfully a lot like something I said above: that I would allow it if it was "once and awhile".  But it's not.  It's all of the time.  Every time, three times a year.  She conveniently neglects this point.

I take this opportunity to tell her to please, please, please, please, please to not get a large gift for my son's this Christmas.

She sends me an email to "please do no be mad at the size of YS's gift."  Followed by a large (expensive, I found out today) gift.  Sigh.

I decided that I had laid down the boundary, she ignored it, and now it was time to be clear about the consequences of doing this again.

The therapist suggested this is "pushing back" but I felt that was too aggressive a descriptive for what I was doing.  I felt this was merely standing my ground.  How do you all feel?

When she emailed asking if the package had arrived, I replied something to the effect of "It did, at least the larger of the two.  I sure hope it is the larger of the two, as it is very big.  I'll have to ask you to stop sending big gifts or I will start sending them back."  I had DH proof read it for "emotional loadedness".  Which I'm sure she'd see anyway, but he said it was fine.

Several days later, I got a very pathetic, guilt laden, hurt-that-I-called-her-out email in return.  Hurt that I had refused her "gift".  She offered up the receipt and to just let her know and she'd "work on this at the birthdays."

Then radio silence.  Then an email about how she needs to get started on a family reunion she's planning this summer at her house for her side of the family.  A family that has tried to politely tell her they are not interested.  A reunion with my sister in attendance.  Despite REPEATED rebuffs of getting together with my sister, despite a two year estrangement, she thinks my sister and will show up and stay together at my mother's house.  She's wanting me to commit to dates I have open.  She hasn't really spoken to any one else yet for concrete days (I'm sure she'd say, "well, I wanted to give you first consideration" but she's really trying to shore me up and make me commit.  Give her something to hold me to.)  I IGNORED this email.  It felt like an obvious trap.  I could see no road from a response on my part that would end well for me.

In between this, she puts on my sister's FB page "love you babes!!"  which is so 'un'-her (it's the FB her, the manufactured mom).  I get nothing (fine).  I have been avoiding liking her page, but I just can't "like" bullshit and lies.

Radio silence.  She texts and asks if I got my grandfather's Christmas card.  He's getting old and can't write as well, you know.  So he wasn't sure you got it.  I don't know why I need to tell my NM every year that I get my grandfather's card so that she can tell him (I always send a thank you card.  Not right away but always...oh, he sends a little bit of money for the kids and is anxious to know it arrived.)  But, whatever.  Sometimes replying to this "bullshit" stuff gets me off the hook with bigger stuff and she moves on after I ignore her.  So, I reply that I got it, sent her Christmas gifts out and hope she had a nice weekend.

She replies earlier today that she got the package (and then something to tell DH).  I didn't reply.  Wasn't really feeling in the mood to play "text ping pong" and figured her text didn't need a reply (sometimes if you reply, you get caught up in a huge thread and she won't let the texting stop.)

Tonight, she texted me and asked for my in-laws address.  No reason why.  Just wanting their address.

At the same time, she texted my husband a thank you for a gift he'd sent my step dad (not HER and my step dad, just step dad.  Not sure why she was thanking him.)  No question about HIS parent's address.

She has my in-laws address too.  They have exchanged "sympathy" cards when their parents died.  (Side note, MIL sent a sympathy card to my mother when her mother died, but nothing to me, as it was my grandmother.  But, whatever.  In fact, I don't remember them expressing sympathy at all.)  Other than that, they have NEVER exchanged cards.  NM and MIL rarely exchange Christmas cards with anyone.

I can't help but feel she is choosing to send my MIL a Christmas card to hurt my feelings.  Maybe I'm crazy.  Maybe I'm reading too much into the situation.  It's quite possible.  It's time's like this I wonder if I'm crazy, finding conspiracy where there is none.

It is quite possible she was moved by DH being kind to my step father (which he really was) and thought "I want to send MIL and FIL a card."  And, by her own admission, NM is always sad how few people are on her Christmas card list (actually, she bitches about it, but whatever.  She's sad.)  I get it.

But, what I don't get, is how it doesn't even OCCUR to her that, by befriending a woman who has caused her daughter SO MUCH PAIN, it feels like betrayal.  I'm not asking her to be mean, or rude, or unkind to this woman.  It makes it easier that they get along.  I wish she could support me more in my struggle with MIL (do you KNOW how much that would help to at least feel I had my mom on my side?).  But it is what it is.  I'm not asking them to fight. (And for the record, MIL and my SIL's mother can't stand each other.)

But it hurts like hell that my mom would befriend someone who hurts me so much.  That it hasn't occurred to her that she has totally invalidated me.  I know, to her, it's just a Christmas card.  But to me, it feels like betrayal.  But maybe I'm crazy.

UnWelcome

From the TV sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond (and I'm paraphrasing):

Maria, the overbearing, narcissistic MIL is complaining, "I don't feel welcome in your home."

Debra, the DIL says "But you are over ALL the time.  You never give me a chance to welcome you."


This is a sentiment I feel with my in-laws a lot.  They are here.  All the time.  Well, not ALL the time, but enough that it doesn't feel like I get much of a break from them.  And they are coming down, again, on their monthly trips to babysit the other grandkids and park it over at my BIL's house for the weekend (they always stay the ENTIRE weekend, Friday morning to late Sunday night).

I'm feeling annoyed by that again, and partially I know that I don't really have a right to feel that way.  I didn't make the plans, it's not my house, and I don't have a say so. 

But part of me feels, again, that we are just expected to go along with everyone else's plans.  Sure, we can say no.  But there always feels like some sort of pressure to go along with every one else's life.  Like we are expected to fit into THEIR lives, but no the other way around. 

As usual, BIL and MIL schedule these weekends and we fit around BIL's social schedule.  Or MIL and FIL make plans to come in for their social schedule and we are expected to fit around that.  I always feel like we are an "add on".  Something to round out their weekend. 

Which would be fine once and awhile.  But we are never the priority.  MIL never tries to work out coming into town, or making plans with us, it never feels like it's about US.  About actually making an effort to treat us like grown ups with our own family and schedules.  About trying to communicate with us and get together with us on an adult level.  I'm not sure if I'm conveying that well.  But it just feels that it is always about MIL, or BIL, or football games, or whatever.   And not about finding time to spend together in which we can all feel comfortable or valued.

And on the flip side, there is lots of pressure to invite them down to our house, to make plans with them.  MIL, despite her intensely controlling nature, likes to sit back and have people create plans for her.  To come to her and ASK her to be around us.  To WANT her to be around and to prove it.  She's very covert in how she does conveys that, but I always feel that.  It comes across in that she never just calls up and says "We would like to spend time with you.  What would work for you.  What would you like to do?"  It comes across in the subtle ways she hints to my husband (and he in turn gets upset with me) that she'd like to stay.  She talks a big game about wanting to create family time and family memories and all of that, but she doesn't seem to want to do any of the actual WORK to make that happen.  It's so, so subtle but it always feels like it's a choice between doing all the work for her, or fitting in around her.  I just don't feel like we are considered at all.

I'm not sure if I'm making sense with this.  I have a hard time really understanding my feelings myself.  And, being a big hypocrite, I actually don't want to spend more time with them.  But I think it's times like this that seem to highlight how enmeshed and self-centered the family is.  I don't feel like plans are made between adults, but that we are children expected to just "go along" with things.   I don't feel like it is negotiated time in which everyone can feel comfortable.  I feel like we are just puzzle pieces fitting into MIL's (and BIL - or in this case SIL's - grand schemes.)  And I can't really say anything.  What would I say?  You can't come down?  Don't invite us along to your things?  Even telling them to make more of an effort to involve us specifically would have an outcome I wouldn't want.

So, maybe I'm just here bitching because it's a shitty situation all around.  I don't really want it to be fixed (because to "fix it" would mean more time with these thoughtless people, which I don't want) but I don't like feeling like an "after thought" all the time.  I dislike feeling so marginalized and unimportant.  I dislike how all the toxic and negative behavior is hidden underneath "family" dinners and the like.  I dislike how I'm always cast as the one who doesn't invite them down enough (when they are ALWAYS here) or make an effort to plan things (when they never do that themselves).  There just is no good solution

Growing Up (and out of Enmeshment)

My mother has always been taller than me.  By more than just a few inches.  She's also much bigger than me.  Not heavy, or overweight.  She's just big boned.  And I'm petite and lanky. 

So, it's been easy to always feel like adult and child.  Like she's the adult and I'm the child.  I've long struggled to feel grown up around her.

I remember before I really learned about narcissism, I never felt grown up.  I'm sure I've written about it before on here.  And I'm not talking about not feeling my age.  I had never felt grown up and autonomous.  I'd never felt like an individual person.  I felt silly putting on jewelry and dressing in more womanly clothes.   I always felt like other women around me had themselves much more put together than me. 

Slowly, as I learned about narcissism, my feelings of feeling like a child started to dissipate.  It was one of the first things I tried to do in order to change things around.  I started to feel more in control.  I tried to quiet the feelings of anxiety I felt whenever I didn't do what NM wanted.  I tried to remember that I was in charge of my life.  I tried to be content with making my own decisions and not worrying about what NM would think about it.  Or her reaction.  Or her retribution.  Because, really, she couldn't actually DO anything to me.  She's not like that.  The worse she does is guilt, and shame, and pout.  And I can ignore that.

But recent dealing with my mother have reminded me that becoming "un-enmeshed" is a lot harder than it looks.  Especially when the other person refuses, REFUSES, to acknowledge that you are a separate person. 

I had some family photos taken and I told NM that the photographer had put a few up, but that I would get more later.  I always give her a copy of all the professional photos I get taken and allow her to print from those.  But, apparently, she didn't want to wait for that this time.  She didn't ask if she could print any, didn't ask how to even get prints, but just copied them straight of FB to print.  And although it may seem like a silly thing, I felt violated.  Like she hadn't any respect for me as a grown ass woman of my own.  That those were MY photos that I had paid for, and although I was more than willing to share, she shouldn't just TAKE them.  That we are not this blob where everything belongs to everyone. 

She's always been like this.  I've never had privacy.  She's never respected my rights to keep some things to myself.  She's insisted, demanded, details on anything and everything she feels like.  Recently, my father came to visit and she's (slyly, in her mind) asked several times how the trip went.  I've refused to tell her because she's just trying to be snoopy.  She's not interested in how the visit went for ME, but is interested in my father (and his wife) and if my kids love him more than her.  And crap like that.

When she's in my home, she doesn't respect my privacy.  She feels free to wonder back to my bedroom, to come in when it's I'm trying to get away for a second.  She doesn't allow that my husband and I, as adults, may need some privacy to discuss things that are none of her business.  She'll but into conversations from another room "WHAT?!  What's going on?"  "Nothing" is not a good enough answer for her.  I've seen her linger in a room to listen to my husband on phone conversations.  They aren't private conversations, per se, but they have nothing to do with her and she's being rude, in my opinion. 

When she visits, I'm under constant surveillance.  If I leave the room, she wants to know where I'm going.  And why.  And when I'll be back.  She requires constant companionship when she visits.  If my husband spends time in the evening away from her and my step dad (as they sit and watch TV and search their phones.  It's not like they are offering conversation) she insists on knowing where he went.  On why he isn't spending time with them.  She doesn't take walks, or read a book, or offer to entertain herself in ANY way.  Even simple things like "I'm going to get the mail" are met with annoyingly shrill "THE MAIL?!?  Why would you need to get the mail NOW!"  Because I fucking want to, that's why.  And really, because the she is smothering me and suffocating me and I need some fucking air.  And she knows that's the REAL reason.  That's why she asks.  But I can't say that. 

She snoops through all of my FB stuff.  I can't comment on anyone else's things, or she'll know.  She stalks me in that respect.  Which, I really wouldn't care, but then she feels she has the right to ASK me about things she's learned by snooping.  It doesn't occur to her that if I don't offer information,  I don't want to discuss it with you.  After I posted a recent album of photos, she looked through it, at least, eight times.  Like in a row.  It just sort of creeps me out.  Like she's sucking some sort of weird supply by just looking at the photos.  It's obsessive, really. 

She snoops through my stuff.  My husband is sure she snoops through our mail and banking info and other things.  I've never caught her but I know it is a personal concern of her's that other people are snooping.  I always thought that meant that she'd respect OTHER people's privacy.  I'm sure it's just projection on her part: she snoops, so she believes everyone else does too. 

She used to snoop through my son's closet when he was born.  I'm sure she was checking to see if I was using the clothes she bought for him (she used to buy really "cutsy" outfits for him that were impractical for a newborn.  We argued often about it because I felt she was wasting her money.  She felt she was "being nice" and that I should be grateful.)

And when she's here, she sort of takes over as parent.  Like she's part of the "parenting team".  And I'm not talking about correcting the kids here or there, or keeping an eye out on them.  She wants to take over.  Once, when we went shopping I was trying to load up the stroller.  When I turned to get something else, she grabbed the stroller and took off.  She was bound and determined that SHE was going to be the one to push my kid.  As I called for her to come back, so I could finish up packing, she just kept going, faster and faster, ignoring me.  I finally yelled.  She came back, begrudgingly, and never apologized for leaving me behind (I mean the damn car doors weren't even shut before she barreled off).   She mimics me (literally) as  I say things to my kids.  For example: "It's time to come up for dinner, boys."  And before my kids even have a chance to respond, she starts in "Come on.  Come on.  It's time for dinner.  Let's go.  Hurry up."  It drives my older son nuts.  So much so, that he's told her that she doesn't need to "tell me things when my mom is here."  It happens constantly.  It's like having a parrot.  I feel like it not only undermines me, but gives the message that she thinks I'm not handling it right.  I don't need her "help".  She seems to think I do.  She parrots everything I say, steps in in front of my husband, and tries to take over.  It is so frustrating. 

She feels like (and tells me) that she knows me better than anyone.  She assumes she knows how I feel, knows what I will do, knows what I want.  She doesn't allow, at all, that she might not know the every crevice of my mind.  She does things, assuming she knows how I will do them.  In fact, she PRIDES herself on being able to know how I want things done.  The thing is, I often don't want things done like she does them.  And even if I do, a little respect, taking a backseat once in a while, communicating a desire to want to know how I like something, would go far with me.  But she can't give that to me.

And I've recently discovered how much like a child it makes me feel.  That it's hard to feel "grown up" when someone is constantly pushing your "autonomy" boundary.  When someone treats you like a child.  When someone feels that nothing you are belongs to you.  That your kids, your home, your life is all up for grabs.  That she is entitled to it all, without any respect due to me. That she can speak for me, make plans for me, and take from me without asking.    Enmeshment makes me feel helpless and smothered.  I feel claustrophobic and suffocated. 

I'm trying to figure out how to enact these last boundaries.  I've pushed her back in a lot of ways.  She doesn't go willingly.  In fact, she pouts and wallows in it.  But generally she does it away from where I can see it.  I've gotten a lot better at ignoring her blatant attempts to guilt and manipulate me.   But I don't know how to fully un-do the enmeshment.  I'm not sure exactly how I can fully be myself while she's trying to smother me and cover over me. 

Letter to MIL

Things have changed from one year ago.  Things are better than they were when I started this blog.  I have so many things I want to write about, healing things, changing things, ways that I am better (if not the situation.  Which I've come to decide will never be "better".  I can only hope to manage it.)  It's not easy now.  It's not without strife and pain.  But I'm not on the floor.  I'm not on the edge.  I'm not ready to jump off.

I have lots to update on.  Lots to write about my NM and Nsis.  I need to just to a "facts" update to catch everyone up.  But that will be later.  I am in a place of more peace with my NM and NSis.  I think I'm managing with them (which in a lot of ways because I am managing without them.)  They are not different, but I am.  I have worked through some issues with my father.  Well, not with him, but some issues within myself with him.  Again, it's a work in progress, but there is an, overall, progress.  Maybe not linear.  Maybe it's back and forth.  But I think the overall direction is forward for me.

But there is one person (well one and my association and enmeshment the family related) who I'm still struggling with.  Whom I still can't seem to let get under my skin.  I don't know why she annoys me still so much.  Why I can't figure out how to manage my feelings about her better.  Why she still just plain pisses me off.  So, I'm going to write out this letter to my narcy-MIL.  A letter I will never send, but if she should ever ask (and hell will most likely be frozen over) why I dislike her so much, why we have such a strained relationship, I'll have worked out my thoughts before hand.  (I apologize in advance to any readers, the letter will most likely be disjointed and disconnected).

Dear MIL,

I know you feel that there is tension between us.  I know you think I am a difficult daughter-in-law.  I know that you worry and fret and stress because you just don't know what to do.  I know you have expressed concerns to family members about me.  Their words to me, although not direct, make it clear that you have been discussing me.

From the beginning you were never interested in getting to know me.  You were never interested in a relationship with me.  You never wanted to grow and bond and learn about each other.  You were not interested in developing a friendship with me.  Or making memories together.  You were interested in having a relationship but you wanted it to be instantaneous.  Automatic.  A nicely labeled partnership.  You were interested in keeping me under wraps.

You spent a lot of time telling me about your family.  I got a lot of "lessons".  History lessons about you, your son (my husband), his brothers, your life, their childhood.  You rarely asked about me.  Even to this day you rarely ask about me.  And if you do, it's all gushy and phony and I know you won't remember a damn thing about it.  If I told a story, you topped it.  "OH, you danced?  OH, (DH) one a dance contest ONCE."  (emphasis mine.)  Everything wrapped back to you.  I felt like I was being read the "welcome" manual.  Like the list of things I needed to know to be in the family.  But you didn't want to hear about me.  You never listened, you never asked.  You often spoke about me to DH in third person, as I sat there.  "OH, (DH) is that shirt Jessie is wearing from that winery you and I were talking about."  (This was a double wammy.  Not only was she talking about me as if I wasn't standing right there, but also making sure I knew he had been discussing things with her.)  You made sure I understood how your family acted, the rituals, the expected behaviors.  How to "fit in" with the group.  You weren't interested in welcoming me.  Or making me feel comfortable.  You wanted to convert me.  You never appreciated my discomfort at your family's loud, brash ways.  And if you did, you implied I was somehow "weird" for behaving with manners and respect.  Making me a black sheep.  Implying both to your family and me that I was somehow "foreign".

After family lessons, you worked on converting me.  Since you didn't know me, it never occurred to you (or you simply didn't care) that I may have done things differently.  That I had different feelings and view points and thoughts.  I think I'll learn towards the side of you not caring about my viewpoints.  Because if you respected and cared for them, you wouldn't have been concerned with changing me.  You wanted me to be Christian.  You pushed your views on me.  You sat me down and told me God had sent you messages for me.  That he was talking to me through you.  At the time, I was young and vulnerable and wanted so badly to fit it.  I remember fidgeting nervously at my reflection in the mirror before I met you.  I wanted so badly to have a family, to fit in.  To be liked by you.  At the time, I felt touched that God was even reaching me at all. I had felt so lonely and abandoned and desperate after my family broke up.  I wanted to be loved and it felt like love.  It felt like love that you wanted to Baptize me, even if it was clear that you wanted your son's wife to be baptized before she married him.  You pressured me to say I accepted beliefs, despite knowing I felt questions, to slap a label on me.  To make me worthy.  And you insinuated over and over that I wasn't worthy enough.  You made it clear that you thought my SIL was amazing:  Christian, an athlete, blond.  All things I am not.  You made it clear that I was not Christian enough.  You made it clear through many mean and public comments on my chest size.  You made it clear every time you criticized me in those first years.  You had taught your family that "teasing people" was a bonding thing.  So you "teased" (read picked on people for physical attributes like being fat or skinny or having no boobs) people.  There is a whole separate post on how I am angry about how you set up your disabled son as the scapegoat.  Or how you made your other son such a momma's boy he can't do anything without you.  Lots of things I've seen you do to others.  But this is about me (and frankly the post would be WAY TOO LONG to include it all.).  So you teased me.  Criticized me.  Got angry when I didn't take your suggestions about my wedding.  You badgered me.  You've harassed me about having "your grandkids".  You've pointed out my flaws, in a subtle and "loving" way to me and my DH and god knows who else.  You wanted to change me.  To make me one of you.  How in the hell is that supposed to make me feel?  It makes me feel like I was never good enough for you.  Like who I was, was unimportant, not valued and wrong.  Even today you do not know me at all.  You would struggle to tell me the name of my step mother.  You know nothing about me or who I am.

You've long been jealous of me. You set that up from the beginning.  From the first year or so, when you sat me down and told me about your SIL who never allowed your MIL to see her son.  Who horrible it was.  How sad MIL was.  How awful SIL was.  An awful bitch who keep MIL from her grandkids and son.  You repeated this story.  How SIL never tried to be part of the family.  All you son's felt the same way about their aunt.  You told me how fearful you were of that happening to your sons.  How you never wanted to be "that MIL" so you would do anything to keep them close.  To you, you thought that meant a "good MIL".  But that was your version of a good MIL: one who never said no (but resented people taking advantage of her), held her tongue (but complained to everyone else), and stayed out of the way (but really inserted herself every chance she got).  You attempted to manipulate me and everyone around me to keep this from happening.  You're jealousy and your fear have driven almost every interaction with me.  You have been so fearful of "losing your son" that you attempted to control everything about the situation.

When your attempts to convert me started to quite working, you worked on sabotaging me.  You bad talked me.  You set me up to have incidents with family members.  You've gossiped and talked badly about me. You gossip about everyone.  Everyone.  You invaded my privacy.  You walked in on me several times in my bedroom without asking.  You spread information I told you to other family members.  You talked about personal parts of my body.  Then you implied I was uptight.

When that didn't work, you decided to become me.  You copied me.  You did everything I did.  You flattered me and talked me up to everyone, especially DH.  You exclaimed how wonderful I was.  I often tell DH I should just write you a manual, as you've tried so desperately.

You have tried to control me and DH.  You've pushed us (especially DH) to back you up, or to speak your words as if they were his own.  You badgered me about grand kids, and when to get married, and pushed your family traditions on me (so it could be like DH had it growing up!).  You had to be informed of everything.  You loved to rub it in my face when DH had talked to about something personal.  You acted as if it was a victory.  Consequently, he doesn't tell you anything any more.  He knows you have a big mouth.  You've never been a confidant, a supporter, a listener for him.  You've always used knowledge about others to make yourself important.  You want to be on top, that's why you have to be controlling.  You want to be the sun and have other's orbit around you.

I'm angry with some of the ways you've raised your son.  You never taught him to feel emotions or even allow them.  Consequently, he struggles with anger at times.  He sees every negative emotion as anger, and that is not allowed.  He is defensive.  It has taken a lot of hard work for him and me to work through that and teach him to handle things better.  It has been a struggle.  I hate that your attempts to make life easy for your sons, meant you did a lot of things for them.  You taught them that mothers just did it all, all the time.  You didn't teach him or his brothers to recognize other's emotions well.   You taught him to give in to his spoiled, selfish side.  (For the record, the boy I met that became my husband is not the same person now.  It has taken many, many years of work for us to get to a healthier state.  And I wasn't there either.)  You taught your sons to sell someone out if it meant looking good (moral, kind) to someone else.  You taught them that family ALWAYS came first and that all requests of family HAD to be granted.  You've never accepted that we are now 5 separate, but related families, but expect us to still function as one unit.  You have never allowed your boys to grow up, yet you agonize when they are too dependent on you.  You have never encouraged individuation or appreciated uniqueness in your kids (or DILs).  You value sameness and oneness.  To you, being different is being wrong.  So if we like to be different than you, you see it as being wrong.  That is probably why you've tried to be me.  Since you couldn't convert me, you figured being like me would make us the same again and there fore, right.  You have tore at every boundary any one has tried to put on you.  You demand that no one has any boundaries.

Even now your emotionless-ness amazes me.  You have an uncanny ability to not be able to see anything from someone else's perspective.  You are cold and dry in difficult moments.  You never said a word, not one word to me on my wedding day to your son.  On the day we buried your MIL, your calm, almost serene face made me shiver.  You never seemed sad or caring towards the pain of your husband.  Even DH said you seemed like you were at a wedding, not a funeral.   But for you, the process of her death was difficult and you were, clearly, glad it was over.  And while that was understandable, it blinded you completely to the feelings of others.  You've always put your feelings first.  You've always worried about your discomfort, or excitement, or happiness first.  At weddings, at funerals, at the births of grand children, your obliviousness to anyone else around you was...saddening.  DH used to describe you as just "the mother of boys", like you were just tougher.  But I've seen that emotionless-ness on my own NM.  And I see it in you.

I see it now with my kids, your "precious" grand kids.  The kids you hold ransom by promising a toy at the end of the meal, knowing full well that it will keep the kids by your side.  The kids that you are so oblivious to the feelings of that you think the baby was laughing and not crying (not that you checked to tell).  The kids that you demand to be around but never actually invest in.  You don't get to know them, or chat with them, or really play with them.  You sit near them and talk at them "Grammy just thinks your the best!" over and over.  She talks about them.  But she doesn't send cards or gifts or do special things.  Only if it benefits her.  She would never give a toy that she couldn't personally hand over (although she tosses the toy to the kid in the walmart sack, not bothering to help them open it.)  She misses emotional cues and boundary clues with them.  My son was long been overwhelmed by her.  She grabs them and demands they sit on her lap and grabs at their food.  She expects no boundaries.   She demanded kisses from my son, despite his obvious discomfort.  She likes being a grandma, demanding my son take pictures so she can show her friends (seriously).  She likes showing them off and talking about them to people.  But she hasn't invested at all in them.  It is clearly all about getting her needs met.

You've been rude, inviting others to things you shouldn't have.   You've taken liberties you shouldn't.  You find subtle ways to criticize me or imply that I don't measure up to you.  You take opportunities to belittle my accomplishments ("Well, this is good lasagna, but I make really good spaghetti.")  You buy my ridiculous gifts in efforts to impress me, but clearly know nothing about me.  You have blamed me for all the problems in our relationship and I've seen little that you've changed, other than you've changed tactics.  You compliment me (to DH), you apologize (to DH) when you've wronged me (but not me), you gush over me and tell DH how much you like me, or like what I do.  You've sent FIL to be your flying monkey and get your way.  You've made it look like you are trying.   You may have fooled others, but not me.

I wish I could say these things to your face.  But the FEW times I have tried to talk to you, you have gotten defensive and stormed away.  You've said some very mean things or childish things when confronted.  You never accept responsibility and you've NEVER apologized for anything.  I mean, every mortal fuck's up once and awhile and says they are sorry, but not you.  You continue to play this surfacy game of everything's OK and refuse to have any confrontation at all.  You run away.  You pretend we are one, big happy family.  You sweep it all under the rug and play the part.  You've never had a real interaction with me in all these years.  You act like a child if anyone teases you, or says anything less than flattering.  You never once admit you have flaws or things to work on.  And god forbid anyone say that either.

It upsets me that I have to be the "bad one".  That I take all the responsibility.  But in reality you set me up from the beginning.  I tried, desperately, to please you.  I went on family trips, I bit my tongue when my feelings were trampled on or beliefs laughed off.  I tried to get along.  I did the things I was suppose to.  I just couldn't sell me soul.  I couldn't be something I'm not.  And I know that you will never, ever accept that. But you are my husband's mother.  And I have to accept that you will always be around.    Your fear that I would take your son was created by you so that you would always look like the good guy.  But in doing so, you made me the bad guy and your enemy.  I was never your enemy and it pisses me off  that you were damned determined to make me that.