Update on Mother-in-Law

So, I've done a ton of research in the past two months on Narcissism.  In a prior post, I wrote about my MIL, her horrible behavior towards me and how I was confused how it could seem so narcissistic, but not be.  Well, I've changed my mind, she is a narcissist too.  All that "generosity and caring" that I thought I saw, I know attribute to her attempts to control and retain attention from her kids.  Part of me felt "how can I have all these narcissists in my life?"  That didn't seem right.  But I've now learned how I've been primed to attract them.  How once you've been "trained" by a narcissist, others can smell it on you like a blood trail to a kill.
I came across an article about the 25 character traits of a narc.  As I read, I was floored.  My MIL ticked off so many boxes.  Almost as much as my mom.  I spent days writing out examples of how she fit the criteria.  And finally, with shaky hands I presented it to my husband.  I was so anxious, and I just knew he wouldn't believe me.  He'd think I was over analyzing.  Funny thing, though, he DID believe me.  He said he saw so much of it.  And while he didn't think she is as extreme or hurtful as my mother, he did acknowledge that she has caused a lot of problems with her behavior.  I felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders.  I finally didn't feel so alone.  I felt believed.  It was a new dawn for me.

I've written a lengthy blog about my MIL, her behaviors,  and I don't want to rehash old material.  But I need to rewrite about her through my new perspective.  With my new understanding, I need to see it in writing all the ways she has manipulated and tried to control us.

She is no boundaries.  None.  She does not know how to let her sons be grown adults.  She rushes in at the slightest invitation into her children's lives.  She listens as her son complains about my SIL.  She knows all about their marriage.  She sees nothing wrong with him confiding in her over my SIL.  In fact, she has expressed that confiding in her makes her sons "good sons" in her eyes.  She does not view us as individuals, but parts of a conglomerate of people.  One blob with ten heads.  She expects us all to do things the way they've always done things.  There is this unwritten set of ways-of-being in the world, that we are all supposed to be.  We are supposed to share the same opinions of things.  We are all supposed to have the same interests.   Everything is communal.  Nothing is separate and individual.  What one has, belongs to everyone.  Sounds like one big, close family, but in fact the "family" swallows everyone whole.  No one is allowed to have a relationship that is seperate.  She must be aware of, and in the middle of all relationships.  She does not encourage the brothers to spend time with each other with out her.  In fact, although she likes her "alone" time with everyone, she always manages to show up when we are doing something with a sibling.  Or, when she's been excluded, she pouts and says hurtful things (One night, when my BIL and SIL stayed up late at a hotel we all were at, drinking without her, she snapped "sounds like you guys were swingers!"  WTF?  What a crazy, sick, weird thing to say.  But it was clear she felt left out.)  She can not allow anyone time without her.  Once, when she was supposed to be showering, and my son was going for a walk with his grandpa, she threw on clothes and ran out to join them.  She eavesdrops, she gossips, she shares EXTREMELY private information about others (like in which manner my sister-in-laws pubic hair was shaved during childbirth....just ew).  I can not tell her anything, and in fact hubby and I've taken to keeping things from her because she shares information with others to get attention for herself.  To make her seem like the close, connected mother, or just to make herself look better.  She will physically put herself between me and someone I'm talking to to invade a conversation.  She butts into conversations that she is not a part of.   She feels it is her job to portion out food to the grandkids.  If she feels one needs more of something, she'll remove it from another child's plate.  Regardless, if the kid even asked for it.  And she never asks.  She calls in "sharing" but I think it is taking when you grab from someone without asking.  She does weird things to feel connected, like using my son's napkin to wipe her own greasy fingers, even though there were plenty of other napkins.  There is not a plate on the table that she doesn't feel the need to sample.  It kills her if you do not offer her a bite of something and she stares or hints until you give her some of whatever you have.  She walks in on people when they should expect privacy.  She has no problem walking around in her underwear and encourages other family members to do this to.  She even bought me a little nighty to wear at her house, because I always wore sweats when I got up in the morning (she thought I slept like this, but I feel you should cover up somewhat.)
She turns everything back to herself.  Most compliments are framed in away to refer to herself or her family. When I first met her she would turn every topic back.  "OH, you are a dancer?  Well, (hubby) won a dance contest once."  ONCE.  And then I had to hear about the one time he danced over and over.  I've heard every family story repeatedly.  And despite 15 years with hubby, she still tells me stories about her family like I'm an outsider. She knows little about me, and in fact rarely asks.  She often forgets my step parents names.  She knows nothing about what I did in highschool or as a child.  She spent little time getting to know me at all and in fact, seemed to go about discriminating me into her world.  It never even occurred to her that I would do things differently, or view things differently.  I almost felt like I was expected to morph into a clone of what she defined her family as.  I was never given any respect for my individuality and personal preferences.  She pushed me to be like her, create a family like her, be Christian like her.  She rammed religion down my throat.  I do not like organized religion.  I didn't want to be pushed to be a part of her church things.  But she guilted and pushed...even pushing for my baptism.  I went along with it all, trying so hard to fit in and belong to a family again.  She had the assumption that her family would all do things just like she had, and why would they ever do things differently?
As my relationship with my husband evolved, she became very jealous of me and competitive.  She works to take me down a peg.  "Oh, well you make good lasagna.  But I make good spaghetti."  "Oh, well, I would do Christmas cards like you, but I just don't have time."  She can't just say, thanks for the card.  She takes everything I do as an indictment on her behavior.  She always feels she needs to justify herself, in relation to what I am.  If some one tells me I do something well, she either tries to do it too, or finds a way to minimize it.  She has humiliated me in public over my small chest (which I am fine with, but I don't like being made fun of in public).  She has made negative comments about my newborn son, saying he had an "unfortunate nose" and "his mom's broad forehead".  Then she says "none of MY boys have that nose".   How she can insult her tiny grandbaby was beyond me.  She makes big deals about telling me when my husband has told her something before me.  "Well, I knew all about that.  He told ME everything.  I knew what he was doing for you."  It always seemed so weird to me that she felt the need to compete to be more important.  She covets what I have and do.  She is always copying what I do, from clothes, to jewelry, to my interests.  If husband and I do something or get something, she has to get the same for herself.
She has this impression that she has a "perfect" family.  She is obsessed with the latest "best" thing in life.  She will do anything or like anything, if ANYONE says it is the best.  She has little personal identity and is always taking on the "mask" of whatever she thinks people will like the most at the time.  She also likes to project onto her kids what they should like.  She doesn't ask anyone what they think, but tells them.  "OH, you'll LOVE this blah, blah, blah."  She labels her family and assigns roles.  She micromanages and controls everything.  She has an insatiable need to be needed and be important to "her boys".  She acts like her sons are perfect and defends them against anything.  They are always right and everyone else is wrong.  She has assigned scapegoat status to the one son who had the misfortune of some learning disabilities and other social disorders.  They family has made a habit of holding him up as a sort of shield, or sacrifice, as if to say "see, he's weird.  We're not weird.  If it weren't for him, we'd be perfect."  They've held this child as the dumping ground for all the blame for any perceived criticisms of the family.  She can't take any critisism, about herself or her perfect sons, so this family member is the distraction.
Not only does she not take critisism, and in fact, becomes angry and arguementative but she really doesn't consider any one's opinion at all.  She makes the assumption that her family all has the same opinion and when she is confronted with my difference of opinion, she again gets huffy.  She treats my knowledge in my chosen profession as ridiculous...until she wanted me to 'fix' scapegoat son.  The only opinions she takes is if she feels it would lead her to having the 'best' of something.  And these opinions are only from random strangers.  She has the most shallow of relationships with most people I know.  She is phony, loud, and boisterous.  She will laugh the loudest at a joke, even though she rarely understands what the joke is.  She uses laughter to deflect from her nasty comments to and about people.  She always has to appear to be in on something.  She does not get social clues and often laughs at inappropriate things (like when  I told her I rushed my son to the E.R.).  The family's behavior in public leaves something to be desired (loud, rowdy, scene causing in restaurants) but she acts as if they are entitled to behave that way.  But with other's she will be very critical.
She does not know how to create a real relationship and often forces the issue.  She wanted she and I to be best friends and do everything together, but took no time to actually create a relationship.  She talks at me and my sons.  "Grammy thinks your...GRAMMY thinks"  "I bet you think, Jessie...."  "Jessie, you should do this as a profession...I think you'd do well".  She never asks how we feel, or think, or if we like things.  It's her projection onto us.  She can not read the social cues of my kids and often pushes them when they are feeling shy or upset.  She once mistook my son's crying as "happy noises".  Not sure how she did that.   Maybe it was just deflection from the guilt she felt for not noticing.  She uses my kids to suck emotional and physical attention.  She is always kissing, hugging, and holding them, even when they do not want this attention.  She exclaims how kids are good for cuddling with.  She gets her narc supply from cuddling all over them, and it's so one sided.  I don't know how to explain how I know this, but you can almost see it.  My older son rarely can remember her name, despite seeing her often and knowing all of his other grandparents' names, and I know it's because she doesn't forge any relationship with him.  She shows no interest in him as a person, but what he can provide for her.  She once pushed him into taking a picture because she wanted to show it off to her friends.  Not because she wanted a reminder of her precious grandson.  So she could show off.  She doesn't really play with him (more hovers over him), and when she does she's showing my son HOW to play, not playing with him.  She talks about him as if he isn't there (and he knows this and it makes him uncomfortable.)  She always is "measuring" up the grandkids to see who is doing what, and if my son isn't at the stage she thinks he should be she gets weirdly quiet about it.
Her relationship with my husband has always been weird (on her end).  She used to make him the golden child.  He was a star athlete, and I always felt she sucked up more than her fair share of attention for his accomplishments (although I couldn't put my finger on this at the time.)  She didn't see it as his success, but the families success.  She used to use him to get his brothers to do what she wanted.  She would tell him to tell the brothers things, so she would be distanced from it and remove herself from the 'blame' should any arise.  She would put him in charge of decisions that he shouldn't have and then when resentment and anger arose, she'd point it at hubby.  "Well, HE picked the restaurant."  He just thought he was being a good son.  He didn't see the position she was manipulating him into.  She wanted this super close relationship with him.  She invited herself on our vacations, included herself in things she shouldn't have, and took over activities that we used to do as a couple.  She just couldn't understand why we WOULDN'T want family involved in these things.  She often treated him as a co-parent.  When we started to separate, she started to get desperate.  She started pushing us to get married (in December, like she did, despite my extreme dislike of the idea).  She pushed relentlessly for grandkids, and felt she should dictate who had kids first.  She started to become 'helpless' in situations.  She need my husband to help her with things that were completely in her ability.  She was retired, has tons of time, and is supposedly very intelligent, but she needed husband to rescue her and help her.  She would bait him with insane comments to get his attention.  She seemed so childish and immature.  And when she isn't acting like a baby, she (and FIL) feel the need to treat us like children, unable to make our own decisions.  In fact, all of my BILs are still very child-like and depend on the in-laws to approve and help with all their decisions.  They do not act like adults.  And I've always felt like, in MILs eye, the perfect model is:  she is the center hub of a wheel, and we are all spokes off of her.  She turns us all and we orbit around her.  She connects everyone to everyone else.  I used to use this model even before I knew what narcissism is, and now, it only confirms what I think I already knew.
Sorry this is so long, but I had to get it off my chest.  Thanks to anyone who has made it to the end of my rant!

Oh, and one other small thing.  She is the worst gift giver.  My gifts are always a rote gift (she picks one thing out and gives me the same thing every year, just a different version.  Like cookbooks, or christmas ornaments).  One year she gave me a wine glass (one of two) that she got at a wine tasting (so it was cheap and inexpensive) from a winery she "knew" I liked.  I didn't like the winery.  She told me she thought I would like the winery, and somehow got the two confused in her head.  I've also received mouthwash, a toothbrush, and a crow bar.

NM's Boundary Violations

My mother has problems with boundries.  When I was a kid, I thought this was normal.  She never respected my privacy.  She never granted me dignity.  She picked out all of the clothes we bought.  Every special occasion, she picked out the outfit.  She would pick my hairstyles (usually what was "easiest") for her.  She had to know everything.  When I got my first kiss, she demanded to know about it immediately.  Didn't ask.  Demanded.  The irony is that she hates snopey people.   She always thinks people are spying on her.  She won't befriend any of my step-siblings on face book because she thinks they'll be nosy.  And what if they are?  It's not like her life is that interesting.  She's snooped through check books and bank accounts.  She is a signer on my checking account (has been since I was a kid) and I'm sure she "checks up".  She's gone through my sisters things.  She's gone through my son's closet, just to "see what clothes he needed".  Sure.  She was snooping to see if I'd kept all the preppy crap she bought him.  All the uncomfortable "cute" clothes she bought.    When I had some complications after my first c-section (very personal, bodily function complications) she announced them to all my relatives.  I was mortified.  When I told her that my MIL informed me about some very private experiences at my SIL's delivery, she said "So?  She has a right to tell her experiences.  She has a right to tell her experience of the situation".  Um, no, she didn't.   I felt my MIL was privileged to be included, and as such should respect my SIL's privacy.
My husband is certain Hilda snoops through our things.  She stalks me on facebook.  I resisted this for so long. I wanted a space that was mine.  But she guilted me into being her friend.  She watches (and comments on) all my posts.  When my son was born, she would wander into our bedroom in the morning.  We are not that kind of family.  I would have been chastised if I'd walked into her bedroom while my step dad was still in bed.  She follows me around my house when I try to step away for moments of privacy with my husband or sons.  I've actually had to shut the door in her face.  My mother demands to know exactly where on the road we are when we travel to her home.  She expects hourly updates.  But she never will let me know even an approximation of when she will arrive at mine.  She delights in "surprising" me.  She presses me for information on my sister and my dad.  And my paternal grandmother, whom she claims she loves even though my grandmother can't stand her for what she did to my dad. She "overhears" my conversations with my husband.  And if we are ever talking at some distance from her, even if it has nothing to do with her, she barks "what? what's going on?".  She never knows when to excuse herself or just plain butt out.

When we built our new home, I purposely designed no windows near the entrance.  I hated that she would knock on the door and then peer through our living room window to see if we were coming.  (My MIL does this too, but it's more like this excited, yappy puppy who bounces from the door to the window.  This also annoyed me).  Well, the last two times, my mother has gone through our fence, walked around back and pressed her face up against our living room window.  The last time this happened I was nursing my son, and thinking I had privacy, was doing this uncovered.  Any other time, I would have been admonished by mom  for the impropriety of nursing in front of my step-dad (and in fact, I know she's complained to my sister how I just 'whip my boob out' in front of her).  My mother found it humorous this time.  I jumped up and ran from the room with my son.  Half embarrassed, half angry and I needed time to calm down.  My mother followed me into my bedroom.  Opened the door and walked right in.  And then acted so hurt when I shooed her from the room.

She feels the need to give her approval on everything.  As another blogger I read said, she can't just walk into a room, notice something new and say "oh, that's nice!"  She has to pause, screw up her face, and then deem it acceptable. I often find her staring around my house, taking notes.   When I got married, I asked her if my makeup looked OK.  She instantly busied herself  fixing, or adding to, or really I don't know what the hell she did.  She just made it look like she was doing something.  And for the record, I do my own makeup perfectly well.  I have a picture of this moment.  I've always hated the scrunched up look on her face as she "fixes" me. I've seen this look a lot.  She's looking down her scrunched up nose as if she smells something foul.   She constantly acts as if she is my sons' parent more than my husband.  She is jealous of him and says so.  She says it isn't fair that my sons' get so excited to see him.  She makes attempts to jump in and discipline over the top of me.  She tries to finish my sentences.  She always makes a big point of saying "we" to my husband when describing how she and I and my kids spent the day.  As if she and I were a team, when in reality I did most of the work, and she just made herself feel important.  She takes credit for my ideas.  When my oldest son was little and he would cry, she would refuse to give him to me.  She would actually walk away from me and turn her back.  He'd be crying and reaching for me and I'd have to wrestle him away.

My absolute favorite though is that she refers to me as "Little Hilda".  Oh, your just a little me.  Hank says your just like me.  You do everything how I do.  Like hell I am.  And I'll fight until my dying day to be myself.  I'm nobody's mini-me.