The Elephant in the Room

Easter provided me with lots of opportunities to practice my new narc management skills.  I hope to write some posts on how I've been able to manage my NSis and NM better.  But for now, NMIL is stuck in my craw.  So, again this post will be about her.

I've known for awhile that she will be coming around soon.  I've actually had a nice, long break from all of them.  I ran into BIL and SIL at an event for the kids.  As usually, they were distant and spoke little (if at all...now that I think of it, they really didn't speak to me at all).  But it was manageable   I had been quite nervous, but I made it through.

Before dinner, my husband took my son to visit a friend.  I had asked him to be home by 4 p.m to help me.  When he wasn't home at that time, I was annoyed.  But I used it at as a moment to practice some restraint and approach things from a place of expressing my feelings rather than unleashing my anger.  As I waited the half hour for him to come home, I practiced and practiced  how I could approach him in a less aggressive way.  When he came in, I simple said "Hi, glad you are home.  I had expected you home at 4."  He then explained that he had run into the wife of the friend, just as he was leaving and had felt it rude to just take off.  OK.  I was glad I didn't jump on him the minute he walked in the door.  I told him that I had been disappointed he hadn't been home on time (and even if he hadn't run into this woman, he still would've been late.)  I told him that I had found it frustrating and that I expected he would come home when we had agreed upon, especially when he knew I really needed his help.  He agreed.

It was wonderful.  I felt accomplished.  I felt like we had communicated and I had been able to get my point across and that it hadn't destroyed the whole tempo of the evening.  So, we continued to talk and he remembered that he hadn't called his parents back.  He said "Oh, MIL is coming down in a few weeks for FIL's birthday.  They will be staying the weekend and want to take us all (meaning us and BIL and SIL and their family) out to dinner."  So, this sent little twinges of annoyance through me, but I had expected it.  MIL uses FIL's birthday every year, either to invite herself down her or to push us to invite them.  No one else in the family has a "big family celebration" but she knows that we will all do it for FIL.  Sounds nice, but in the end I know that MIL does this only because it meets her needs.  There is an agenda to it:  she gets to get the family together, but she can do it under the guise of FIL.  It also annoys me that she just makes plans and then expects us to fall in line.  She doesn't stay with us, but rather with BIL, so itt's actually a bit sticky.  Because really, they have every right to make plans together and it's not at my house so I don't really have a say.  But it just seems like this happens all the time.  MIL and BIL arrange something and THEN call us to inform us of the plans.  No one checks with me and DH to see what is going on with us.  Sure, we can refuse to go.  We can say we have other plans.  But we know there is an implied demand that we comply.  It annoys me that, over and over, we are informed of plans after the fact.  We are never consulted.  And if it didn't work out for us, they wouldn't adjust the plans to include us in the "family" get together.

But, I had expected this birthday bullshit from MIL, so I was better able to handle it.  But then DH, more talking out loud than to me said "They are actually coming Tuesday too.  They wanted us to meet up at the farm tour.  I told (MIL) that we couldn't."  So, here we were.  Another surprise visit.  A visit that it appeared BIL had been made privy too before us, as they had already made plans to go to the farm tour.  BIL does talk to MIL almost every day, so it didn't surprise me -and as described above - they make plans and then tack us on all the time.  But this time I was pissed and angry and frustrated.  My stomach started hurting.  I tensed up.  I started shaking and getting antsy.  What in the hell was going on?  My physical reaction seemed so much more extreme than the situation called for, especially since we hadn't been expected to go.  This is why MIL is tricky for me, she triggers this feeling all the time and I can't pin point where it comes from.

A little background to the farm tours.  The farm is down the street from my house.  I discovered this farm tour several years back and began inviting BIL/SIL and their kids to it (along with a mutual family friend).  SIl had overheard me talking to another friend on Saturday about the farm tours (they wouldn't have known otherwise).  I believe they went with us once.  But as is typical with BIL and SIL, they soon quite going with us and started going, either by themselves or with other family members/friends.  Of course, they have the right to go whenever they want to.  But this isn't the first time this has happened.  It isn't the first time they've taken ideas from me and then went with someone else.  It isn't the first time they have not invited us to do things with the kids together.  In fact, a latest bone of contention is that they NEVER invite us to get together so our kids  (cousins of close age) can play.  DH has let go of making plans to try and get the kids together and has been surprised to see that they never call us.  Ever.  After years of making a big deal about "family" and "close cousins" (by BIL and MIL, both), DH can see that, if we don't do the planning, the kids don't get together.  So, it sticks in my craw a little that they then choose to do the things, things we've invited them to, with other people.  And that's what happened here.  BIL decided to have a "family activity" and didn't include us again. It's BIL and SIL and MIL and FIL.  We are not family apparently   And this has happened over and over and over (in fact, several times the whole family has gotten together- three of the brothers, their wives, and my parents-in-law - without us.  MIL even went on and on one night about how my chef BIL was cooking a big meal for them all.   They've somehow decided it's OK to exclude us.  Whether it's because they believe I wouldn't go because of all the dogs...a legitimate concern for me, but still my decision to make...or because SIL refuses to invite me to her home unless it's perfect and she can maintain her image of perfect wife and mother.   She likes to blame me for being "judgmental" about her home but it's really her insecurities, not me being a bitch.  Consequently, I haven't been to her home, five minutes away, in three years.)

I was stressed when DH told me this, trying to get a big Easter feast on the table.  But hearing about the farm just shut me down.  I had to tell him.  I had to tell him my feelings.  I needed to get it out and I needed his support.  But I knew better.  I knew he wouldn't understand.  I tried to explain how I felt they were somehow taking something over, how it felt wrong somehow, how something was just nagging me.  But it sounded stupid.  Why couldn't they go to the tour?  They HAD invited us after all (well, MIL had invited us technically.  Another habit she has.  She invites us to do things that I have a feeling BIL or SIL didn't want us invited to, or they would have invited us themselves.)  DH looked at me, kind of rolled his eyes, and said "OK" like I was a crazy lunatic.  And that's what I'm sure I sounded like.  This was EXACTLY why she gets to me in the first place.   She creates these weird, naggy, anxiety-ridden feelings in me and I look like a lunatic when I try to explain why.

I thought and thought about it.  I consumed a glass of wine.  And then it occurred to me what was going on and I tried to explain it again to DH:

MIL is like an elephant.  A huge, cartoonish elephant that is running at me full force.  You know the kind, like from old Disney cartoons or Looney Tune cartoons.  The round elephant with the wild eyes running on two legs with a HUGE grin on her face.  And she's running at me with a flag in her hand.  Constantly.  This woman, sees something that I am doing or have or have created and she is so damned excited about it that she is rushing at me to plant her flag right on top of mine.  She just barrels right over the top of me.  It's like I'm this little mouse, who has created this beautiful sand castle.  She sees it from far off and LOVES it so much that she has to claim it for herself.  So, she rushes in, sand flying everywhere, pushing me aside to plant her flag right over the top of mine.  She cares not that she is pushing me out of the way.  She cares not that she has destroyed what I have created.  For her, what belongs to one family member belongs to the others.  AND WHY WOULD YOU NOT WANT TO SHARE WITH FAMILY!! the elephant shouts at me.  (MIL has actually made a point of claiming, by passive-aggressively "correcting" my son, that family should share.  That family does share.  There are no boundaries).  She doesn't approach me and speak to me about my sand castle and ask if she can play too.  She doesn't even fucking acknowledge I'm there.  She is a huge, elephant, a wildly excited elephant or just demolishes anything I try to create and takes it for herself.  She horns in and pushes and plops down right in the middle of everything.  It's clear to me that she hasn't thought about any body else except herself.  How she can look like a good grandmother, how she can "create" a family memory (or stamp her name over a family memory that I've created).  She'll take credit, she'll brag to her friends about doing it with the kids, she'll speak about this event in the future as when SHE took all of the kids to the farm.  It'll be an annual "family thing".  And she does this to me over and over and over and over.

But here is the hard part.  Others only see a very, happy (if not somewhat comical) elephant.  They say "but she can't help she is an elephant!"  "She's just excited" they'll exclaim.  They won't understand why I'm being so "stingy" with this tour.  Why I am being selfish and claiming it as "my own".  They won't see how MIL has taken something that I used to invite everyone to, and they declined and now made it something that SHE invites everyone too and we are expected to go.  They'll say, why do you need credit?  But the thing is, I don't need the credit.  But, it's clear to me, that SHE NEEDS THE CREDIT.  She has to be in charge and directing it all.  No one else sees a brute that is so concerned about her own excitement that she tramples on everyone around her.  Or that, even is she notices that she has trampled on my sand castle, it's a small sacrifice so that she can have what she wants.  No one sees that she has buried me in the ground.  They just see a loving, excited grandma.  I see an elephant who is going to beat me down again.

A big, giant, wild-eyed, pay to attention elephant with a flag to plant.  That is what she is to me.  Recognizing this has helped.  I actually was able to communicate this to DH.  He actually understood what I was saying and agreed that she is like that.

But what do I do now?  How do I stop a charging elephant?  How do I deal with these feelings that are pretty legit actually when you look at the "threat" baring down on me?

Who's your Mommy?

I had an interesting conversation with NM.   It was different.  I can't tell if it's because of my reactions or if she is changing somehow.  I'm leaning towards the former.

I have been avoiding phone conversations with my mother.  I find them draining.  I find them long on time and short on substance.  I never really told her I was avoiding phone calls with her.  I just kind of quit calling her.  I email and I text (although, more I respond to her) but, for months, the phone calls have just tapered off.   The weird thing is she quit calling me.  Like, at all.  My conclusion as to why was that she was angry or pissed off.  Or she thought in her own little weird way she was "getting even".  Well, if that's how she get's even, I'll take it.

So, I can't remember exactly how the conversation went (and really, I doubt anyone wants a damn transcript).  But here are the "highlights":

I called to tell her how my grandmother is doing.  She has texted asking.  And, in any other situation, I'd call my father and tell him if one of my grandparents wasn't doing well.  I've really resolved to behaving in ways that I want to, instead of how they want to control me.  It's working, for now.  Anyway, she brings up the topic of my sister.  Surprise.  She always has to bring her up.  She states that NSis is getting updates from my aunt (whom she hasn't talked to in a decade or more) because "your father isn't very forthcoming".  Um, lie?  I correct her.  Dad isn't forthcoming because when he tried to talk to my sister she was a hysterical banshee and was screaming at him.   He told her three times about grandma and she didn't hear him.   NSis told my mother that it was a fight and that they hung up on each other.  It's interesting to me how the truth gets warped.

During the course of the conversation, my mother tried repeatedly to say that my father hasn't supported my sister.  That NSis is angry right now.  She says this in a way that signals to me that she justifies my sister's behavior.  She tries to offer me her "wisdom" of how people store up anger and then it will break loose.  Really?  No, shit?  That's news to me.   But I remained calm.  Me.  I didn't take the bait.  I told her, repeatedly, that my father has offered my sister support.  HOW?!!?  She exclaims.  I calmly listed how.  I tell her that he has been there.  That NSis has refused to allow him to help.  That NSis is refusing everyone's help.  That I'm done chasing after NSis to offer her help.  That I think my father has done all he can.   "Well," she snipes, "he told her that he gave her money and what else does she want?!"  I said, he did give her money.  She snaps that NSis needs support.  I say, he's offered support, repeatedly.  He's offered to fly out there and help her and she continually refuses.  NM snorts that maybe dad needs to just get on the plane then and get out there.  I calmly, yes calmly, tell her that that's ridiculous.  Why  the hell would he get on a plane and go to someone who has repeatedly told him not to come?  NSis is not a child.   Then NM starts crying, saying how my dad had offered to help her with NSis.  How NSis was more than she should have to shoulder alone (haha, this one is rich, because it sounds nothing like my dad.  And it's somewhat sad that she still wants my dad to rescue her.  She has a husband).  I ignored this crying.  I find it childish and immature.  I repeat that Dad has offered NSis support, despite what NSis may have reported back to her.

NM tries more excuses for NSis.  She's broke and had a huge medical scare and stress.   She drinks too much.  She slips and says that the boyfriend needs to go and she hasn't figured out how to "get him out yet."  I repeat that that is not her responsibility.  That is not her right.  That NSis needs to do that on her own.   That she does not need to be involved in this.  NM again becomes upset that NSis will die at the hands of her boyfriend.  Well, yes, maybe so.  But I remind her that NSis needs to take care of that.  That we have been "helping" and "supporting" and "encouraging" NSis for 15 years, and here we are, right in the same damn place.  NM says she's trying to get NSis into counseling.  That she's talked at her until she's blue in the face.  I again, calmly, remind her that it is not her problem.  That NSis needs to take responsibility for her own life.

NM also tries to throw in a few bones for herself.  How hard this is on an "old woman".  It's hard on us all, mom.  She tries the "I have it harder, I'm the mom."  She claims that she knows stories that would curl my hair (unlikely, because nothing surprises me with NSis.  And frankly, I've been able to disconnect emotionally from these things.  It sucks to hear, but it doesn't send me into a tailspin.  Maybe I'm cold to her.).  This is the one thing that almost gets me.   I really hate when she always tries to one up me.  She knows more.  She has been through more hell with NSis.  She's privy to more horror than me.  What do you want, a fucking medal?  Who's fault is that?  Should I feel grateful to her for that?   Is she doing ME some favor?  And, frankly, she doesn't know more.  And if she does, it's because she's got her nose right in the middle of shit she shouldn't.   Anyway, I take a few deep breathes and repeat, it's hard on all of us.  And you shouldn't have to be a part of that drama.  And you need to remove yourself and take care of yourself then.

I remind her that NSis's problems are out of our league to fix.  That NSis needs to take responsibility for her own life now.  That we can support her, but she needs to take the reigns.  NM chimes in with, yes, that's why I'm encouraging counseling!  I've told her it's nothing to be ashamed of!  Lots of people need help.  You shouldn't feel badly about it!  (I think, awesome, by sitting there and telling her it's nothing to be ashamed of, you are really saying it is something to be ashamed of.  That she's weak.  That other people would find it shameful.  Why can't she just say, "Counseling?  Great!  I've heard counseling can be wonderful."  Period.  It's almost like she doesn't want her to get counseling.  I've felt she's sent NSis some pretty mixed signals on this.)  NM throws that even SHE has gone to counseling.  While I do find this surprise, I let it go.  I am SO not interested in her counseling sessions.  And really, I can't help put see it as a ploy.  A way to say, "look, see how much work I do on myself?!"  Or, she's hoping that I'll ask her why.   She's already tried the "I'm so sad, depressed, stressed, lonely" about all this tact so many times in the conversation already.

The thing is, this conversation didn't seem so different from any other we've had.   Excuses for NSis, pleas for pity for her.  But the conversation didn't end up where it always does.  The drama never escalated.  I never felt angry or pissed off.  She never seemed hurt and sad and bitter.  Towards the end, she just got quiet and turned the subject to something else (not in an avoiding way, but in a, "well, seems like we've discussed this enough" way.)  It was weird.   When I got off the phone, I didn't feel anxious, or nervous, or amped up.  I didn't feel shaky.  I didn't feel stressed.  I felt like I'd defined my opinion pretty well.  I felt like I'd said what I felt, without telling too much, over sharing, or offering up more than I felt comfortable with.  I felt like I'd clearly defined for her how I was going to deal with my sister.  I felt I'd clearly stated that I wasn't going to listen to twisted defamation of my father.  He's not perfect, by any stretch, but I won't listen to lies.   When I got off the phone with her, I felt...CALM.  I moved on with my night.  Other than writing this post, I haven't really thought about it.   Maybe it'll bite me in the ass, but I think I'll still feel good about my side of the conversation.

There was only one part that bothered me.  At the end, my mother thanked me for my insights.  She thanked me for listening to her.  She thanked me for always "grounding her" and pulling her back from being swept away in the drama.  I believe she was sincere.  And that's what killed me.   I think I've finally concluded that, in my relationship with my mother, I am the mother.  She often has infantalized our relationship (when she's not lording over me.) expecting to be taken care of, and doted on, and adored.  But what I concluded here was different.  She looks to me for support.  She looks to me for guidance.  She looks to me to be her rock.  And that's sick.  And wrong.  I mean, any adult relationship should have some reciprocity.  But generally, a mother should be there to support her kid.  I should, in no way, ground her.  I should not be her therapist.  I should not have to be her safe place to fall.   And it's always been like this.  She's never been my mother like that.  She likes to pretend she is.  She likes to take on that roll, like a child playing dress up.  But I really feel that she has been denied her own mother due to narcissism.  She took on the roll of taking care of her brothers and sisters.  She play acted like their mother (which she really couldn't have done well, as she was a child herself at the time).  And now, she looks to me to fulfill that role that she wanted.  It makes me angry with her.  I feel it is unfair of her to demand I play this role.   It's one thing to act like a big child and expect me to take care of her, it's a whole other brand of weird to treat me like her mom.   Another little part of the puzzle clicked into place tonight.  And another little bit of hope that she'd ever, ever be what I needed her to be died (not that their was a lot left of that anyway.)  How can I ever expect her to be something that she clearly has NO idea how to be?

So, How Did it Go?

First, and foremost, I want to thank all my blogger friends for reaching out, offering support, extending comfort, and checking in.  I have no doubt that this support helped me maintain my strength and boundaries through the weekend of narcs.   I also want to apologize for the next post, as it may not be as coherent and linear as I would like.  In fact, most of my posts are a bit rambling (and I often shudder at the grammar and spelling errors I see when I reread them).  But, I like to write from the heart and not over-think them too much.  And I've committed myself to not worrying about perfection and presentation, but rather just content and honesty.  So, sorry if any of that has made my posts difficult to understand.

NSis never showed for the party.  I never believed she would.  She lives quite a distance away, has no "vacation" time, and if she doesn't work, she doesn't get payed.  So, I knew that the suggestion that NSis was coming was purely an attempt by NM to stir up drama and put focus back on my NSis.  To highlight who "really" needed the family attention at the moment.  And it was clear she felt that that person was not my young child.  Regardless, one less narc to worry about.

NM was relatively well behaved.  She didn't start out the weekend with her usual "I'll show up whenever the hell I feel like it" attitude, and actually let me know their expected arrival time.  She is ALWAYS texting me when I go to her home and demands hourly check ins so she can see where we are.  I never minded giving her a time we would arrive.  But I didn't like tracked.  But when she was coming here, she would refuse to answer my texts and wouldn't tell me at all when she was coming.  Or she would grossly over estimate, and show up three hours earlier.  Anyway, she was considerate this time.

She only brought up my sister once.  Well, OK, not only once.  She slipped in little comments here and there.   She took a video of my kids and sent it to NSis's phone.  She said I should send NSis a copy of a photo I took.  She always likes to proclaim how important my kids are to NSis.  How much NSis likes them.  Really?  Could've fooled me.  But I can see this triangulation for what it is now.  Anyway, the one time she brought up NSis and her cancer, it went like this:

NM:  I talked to your NSis today on the way down.
Me:  Oh.
NM:  She said to tell you "hi".  (Translation:  guilt, guilt, and more guilt.  See, NSis is thinking about you.  See she cares about you.  She said to say HI!  Isn't she wonderful?!)
Me:  Oh?
NM:  She really would like you to call her.  (Translation:  you are being a huge, selfish bitch by not calling.  You really need to be the "bigger person"-a NM favorite phrase.  She needs you.  You are not performing your duties)
Me:   Oh.  Well, you had told me that she didn't want to talk to family members about it and she hadn't called Dad and...
NM: (interrupting me)  Yes, but she REALLY wants you to call.  (Forget what I told you before.  She's waiting for your call.  You need to reach out to her.  You need call.  You haven't taken her bait, so I'll repeat what your obligation is to your sister.)
Me:  Well, she can always call me...
NM:  (interrupting again) Well, it's really between you two.  I don't want to be in the middle of it.

At this point, NM scampered away as I tried to continue the conversation.  She had said her piece.  She, of course, wanted to be in the middle of it.  That's why she brought it up.  She wanted to be in the middle of it, but not have me say anything.  She was all on NSis's side and blaming me as usual.  And when I tried to explain my boundaries, she ran away.  It was probably for the best.  I don't owe her an explanation for what I do.  It did make me sad, momentarily, that with my close relative's death and my son's birthday and everything else, that all she can see is what is important for NSis.  Same old, same old I guess.

NM didn't say another word about it.  She did make some sly comments about how her "anxiety" was finally wavering.  She tried to get Estepdad to agree with how "strong" she is.  She pushed and pushed the issue with him until he finally told her "I'm not playing your little games".  Yay, step dad!  I almost wonder if he hadn't felt a little encouraged himself.  He and I and DH had refused to play her games all weekend.  I didn't rise to her bait.  I didn't argue.  I didn't turn negative.  When she brought up the same old stories over and over, I listened, nodded, and changed the subject.  When she threw out that we cater to stepdad, but not her, I politely disagreed.  In a way that she couldn't argue back with.   I was so proud of my strength.  I was so proud that I didn't let her under my skin.  It actually was a relatively pleasant visit.  It gave me hope.  Not hope that she will change, or we will have a relationship.  Just hope that I can do this and she won't run my life anymore.

She did try a couple things with my son, which pissed me off.  She always brings gifts for when she arrives.   When DS asked if she had gifts for the party, she said "Nope.  You opened them.  You wanted to open them, so now your done.  That's all there is."  She sat there watching him squirm.  Watching his discomfort as he tried to figure out if she was kidding or not.  And if she had been kidding, she sure didn't let on.  She was as cold as ice.  Of course, she thinks she's funny.  I did not.  I immediately jumped in.  Assured my son that grandma had gifts for the next day.  That she shouldn't tease him like that.  Other than this incidence, she behaved herself with him.

The party was a whole other story.  I had been so busy preparing for the narc attack from the front, I was not prepared for the narc attack from the rear.  BIL and SIL are selfish people.  Spoiled brats who always run on their own schedule and own time.  They use my in-laws as their personal nanny.  They require constant help with their children and act very put out when they are totally responsible.  They are entitled and childish.  So, when my in-laws should up with the kids, instead of BIL and SIL, I wasn't surprised.  It upset me that my son's aunt and uncle blew off the party, but I wasn't surprised.   NMIL bounced up with the kids, saying that BSIL (for short) had shopping to do for a big vacation they are taking without their kids.  She said they'd show up later.  So, as everyone sat around watching me set up the party, the littlest kid started getting into things he shouldn't.  I removed him, twice.  I sat down to feed my kids.  The other parents and my in-laws dropped off two more kids with me to eat.  So, here I am, hosting a party and feeding four toddlers.    Awesome.  No one could get the littlest to eat and the all assumed someone else was doing it (BSIL), so he kept getting into food I'd stashed under the table.  I removed him, again.   SIL jumps up to the littlest kid and says "oh!  it's OK, it's OK".  You'd thought I beat the kid instead of kindly removing him from the stash of goodies.  This was my first inkling that something was wrong with her.  While she's never the most pleasant person, she's usually friendly enough.   Neither she nor BIL acknowledged me at all.  The whole party.  They never said hello or anything else for that matter.  Their kids kept disappearing.  I didn't feel it was my responsibility to look all over for the park for them, so I just going with my schedule (I wanted the three remaining kids to be able to go and play, so I was trying to get the food/cake/presents done).   SIL kept reappearing and disappearing.  You could see her coming, causing a HUGE dramatic scene without saying a word (it really was impressive to watch how much attention she could command just by stomping around...that is, if it wasn't at my kids party.)  BIL disappeared before the cake and never showed back up. And this guy's usually Mr. Life-of-the-Party.  It was all so strange.  Finally, SIL stomps up to my son as they are playing, and coldly says Happy Birthday, thanks for the invite, and that she's leaving.  Neither one of them said a damn word of good-bye to me or DH (this is DH's brother-his "closest" brother).

The whole thing infuriated me.  I was appalled at their childishness.  I was irate that they would distract so much from their nephew's party.  I was appalled that they couldn't put aside whatever the hell was up their asses, in order to celebrate DS.  I was confused.  Had I done something?  Was SIL mad that I had disciplined her kid?  I didn't feel I'd done anything wrong.  Someone had to do it.  I was kind to the child.  I have a right to ask him to not get into my things.  Was SIL mad at DH?  She was very rude when DH said hello.  She has some issue with him but will not talk about it with him.  Sometimes she's nice to him, sometimes she's hostile.  You never know what you're going to get.  DH has confronted her before.  She always claims to not know what he is talking about.  How convenient.  Why had BIL been such an ass?

We continued on with the party.  Towards the end, I started cleaning up.  I cleaned up the ENTIRE party by myself.  Three adults sat around and watched as I packed up, made a million trips to the car packed a block away, and loaded it all myself.  The literally sat on their asses and watched.  Only my step father helped me carry the heaviest stuff (DH was with my kids).   I was annoyed, but NMIL pushed me into pissed off.  She had sat watching me.  When there was one small box left, she came up and offered to help.  I look around at the empty grass.  I told her that I'd finished.  She said "But Oh!  I'd like to help!  What can I do?!"  WTF lady?  Are you blind?  You sat two feet from me.  Watched me haul it all out.  And THEN offer to help.  And I guess you could chalk it up to be inattentive (I don't, but I guess you could).  Or her being exhausted by the relatives illness and death.  But here's the thing:  she did the exact same thing to me at my other child's party three months ago.  She sat around and watched me set it all up.  She watched me clean it all up.  She then asked to help.  And when I told her it was done (look around lady, do you see any food?  or tables? or garbage?  What the hell do you want to help with?)  she kept insisting she wanted to help.  She must think I'm a fool.  Well, someone's a fool, and it sure the hell isn't me.

And a little more about NMIL's behavior at the party. She never offered to help me set up either.  Instead, as I'm laying out food, she makes a huge deal about some dog poop and needing to pick it up.  Asking me for a napkin and then grabbing at my things.   She made a big deal about not being able to find the garbage (it was two feet away).  She made it sound like she was inconvienced by the lack of garbage.  She covered for SIL and BIL, making excuses (I call it lying) for them.  She went around the party and explained in detail the last moments of the close relatives death.  How hard it was.  The medicine the used.  The pain this person was in.  How she hoped the mortician could do something with the corpse.  I was disgusted.  Not only was it completely inappropriate to be sharing this information with  people, she was doing it at a child's birthday party.  It was clearly her chance to bask in the glory.  She can't make conversation about anything pleasant, she she trots out the garbage.  And makes herself look like the kind martyr to boot.  Ick, ick, ick.

You'd think this would be the end of it.  Ship everyone home and continue on.  But we had the funeral with BIL and SIL.  And you know what?  SIL was as sweet as punch.  Acted like nothing had ever happened.  I would've called her ass out but refused to disrespect the close relative.  This was not the time or place.  I just ignored SIL, stayed as far from her as I could and remained distanced.  BIL never said a word to me.  Didn't say hello, goodbye, or anything.  Avoided me completely.  That's his M.O.  Just ignore everybody and everything until he thinks it's blown over.  DH had gone over the night before and said they'd been the same with him.  His conclusion, and I think it's right, was that SIL and BIL were fighting.  This infuriated me more.  That they couldn't put aside some marital squabble to focus on their nephew.  That they had to attract all the attention to themselves and make a scene.  That they couldn't suck it up for two hours.  I was livid then and I'm livid now.  And this isn't the first time they've done this.  At DS's 1st birthday, they showed up two hours late because they were mad at my in-laws.  SIL showed up last year, but then had to leave because she'd forgotten something.  They are always late to almost everything we do together (we don't do much together anymore as a result).  BIL blows us off if he finds something better to do.  He is enmeshed with his family and tries to dictate how DH and I run our home (who's invited over, when, how we interact with other relatives).  He's a gossip and been called out on it, but refused to see his blame in it.  The only good point, if you can call it that, is that DH really got to see him for what he is this weekend.  And as a side note:  When I rushed into the church (I drove with my kids by myself) a bit flushed, and was standing with the family preparing to enter for the service, NMIL leaned over and whispered a joke about how someone was teasing someone else about facial hair.  I was stunned.  And saddened.  How freaking inappropriate!  This was the only thing she said to me.

So, there you have it.  That's my weekend.  Sorry for the long, probably over-detailed, post.  I was exhausted at the end.  Completely depleted.  But I feel better today.  I feel "wholer".  I feel more confident and strong than I have in a long time.  I'm starting to feel grown up.  Baby steps, but still steps.

In and Out of the FOG

The F.O.G. (fear, obligation, guilt) is eating me alive.  I am struggling.  Struggling in my desire to protect myself, my family, my life from being swallowed by the chaos of my sister's life.  Struggling to put my new found skills to use.  Knowing in my head what I should do.  But feeling in my heart and stomach and body such an ache.  Such stress, and anxiety, and hurt.

I finally sent my sister a quick email.  I didn't want to call.  I didn't want to play her games, listen to her sob, knowing that it was all a bunch of unloading.  I know that she has either not called, or talked little with, my parents.  She still hasn't communicated with me at all.  Which is crap.  She needs to be an adult.  I'm tired of chasing her around, throwing myself at her, desperate to have her let me help her.  So, I emailed.  I told her I had heard she had health problems (because no one still knows what the actual diagnosis is and she STILL hasn't made a follow up appointment, even with NM on her back).  I told her to let me know if she needed anything.  That I was thinking of her.  I felt good about the message.  I wasn't playing into anything, but felt I was extending myself to her, but wasn't wading into the pool of crap.   She responded with "I am.  I would like a friend."  And that's it.  I don't even know what to do with that.  She still didn't address anything directly.  I'm sure that there is anger and annoyance and b.s. in the reply.  I'm not sure what effect she expected the reply to have on me.

This was my one really "fun" week of the summer.  My family knew that.  I have had to fight them all for it over and over.  I doubt that this is too much of a coincidence that it is dropped on me now.  I don't have the time or the energy or the will to devote anything to this.  This week was supposed to be about my family.  Having fun with my kids.  I feel attacked by this.  And I'm sure my FOO would say I was being selfish.  And how could I just go on with my life when they are struggling so (this is a theme in my relationship with them).  I feel guilt.  Guilt that I'm not calling.  Guilt that I am happy in my life.  Guilt that I let their toxicity seep into my life and that it makes me stressed.  And angry.  And that I am less patient and tolerant and available for my kids.  That is effects the type of mom and wife that I am.  That I feel guilty for even thinking about myself and how this effects me.  That I struggle with what a "healthy" family member's obligation to all this would be, compared with my feelings of trained obligation.  That a lot of me just wants to ignore it and hope it all goes away.  But that in doing that things would be irreparably changed.  That it is taking a big step.  That I'm angry.  That I'm struggling with my feelings at all.  That I often feel just the "fight or flight" feeling.  Like a chicken with my head cut off, panicked, and I'm struggling to remain calm.  Struggling through the constant emails and texts and implications that I'm not doing enough.

I'm just struggling and sinking and trying desperately to stay afloat.

Why I am not going No Contact

First, and foremost, I feel No Contact is not only a valid and understandable choice, but one that many ACoNs are forced into.  It's not something they would've chosen.  It's not what they would've wanted for their life.  I think you'd be hard pressed to find anyone who would willing choose to not have a family.  I believe everyone has to do what they feel is best for them and they have the right to.

With that said, I also don't feel No Contact is off the table.  With much of my own family, I have limited contact as it is, so it is not really an issue.  With NSis, she calls rarely, visits even less rarely and I can control how and when I see her and for what amount of time.  NM is a different story, but I have been slowly putting up the boundaries.

And I think that is the crux.  I have been working my way toward this point of healing for a long time in my life.  Going on for over a decade.  For many of those years, I couldn't figure out what was wrong.  I couldn't understand why all my efforts changed nothing.  Why, no matter what I did, it often got worse instead of better.  I tried the "change yourself, find what you need to be responsible for" approach in the relationship.  I worked on healing myself, finding myself, growing myself.  I let things go, I stood up for my rights.  Nothing changed.  And the horrible, anxiety-laden, pit in my stomach feeling never went away.  And I knew that something, whatever it was, was very, very wrong.  I searched for answers in many places.  I tried to explain things in many ways.  But it never got better.

I feel that all of this work was important for me to be able to accept (and be able to do something about) the answer when I did find it.  I am not a religious person but I am very spiritual.  And I believe we are led to things, guided, if you will.  We are moving of our own free choice, but hints and help is hidden along the way for us to find.  And when I was ready, I stumbled across "Narcissism".  It is ironic really, considering my education and career choice, that I hadn't found it before.  That I didn't know anything about it.  But then, with one random click (in relation to it being removed from the DSM-IV) out of curiosity, I found what I'd been looking for.  And I was ready.  Ready to do something about it.  Ready to use the information I had to change myself, my life.

But that was only a few months ago.  So, my journey into learning about narcissism and learning to cope with it is new.  I've spent many of these last few weeks hunkered down, preparing myself, healing myself, grieving.  I am preparing to use what I have learned.  But, the truth is, I have not set down appropriate boundaries with my family or in-laws in the past.  I have reacted to them with private anger, instead of calmly standing up for myself.  I do not feel that I have done everything I can to establish the type of relationship that I will feel comfortable in.  So, as of now, I need to invest in that.  I need to know that I tried.  That I provided opportunities for the narcs in my life to be respectful.  If they can do that, than we will maintain a relationship.  If they can not, then the relationship will be altered to protect my and my family, whether that be low contact or no contact.  In the end, to feel good about the choices I've made, I need to be responsible for being clear and definite about what I expect and offer them the chance to adapt.

And regardless, I believe in letting it go, in grieving the loss of the family I had hoped for (not in some superficial, "they are not the family of my ideal" way, but just a family who is supportive and loving, warts and all).  While my NM may still hurt me, I'm learning to let her go.  To remove myself from her web of control and live my own life.  To make decisions on what is best for me, not what she wants me to do.  Maybe I'm being naive.  Maybe it won't work.  Maybe she will still tear me down.  But I have to see all the outcomes.

And with the in-laws, no contact is not an option.  DH has agreed to setting boundaries.  We have agreed that their will be consequences to controlling or abusive behavior.  We are determined to make our family a priority.  We are determined to make things different for our kids.  But he is not willing (nor have I asked) to separate from his family.  And in reality, there is a huge part of his extended family that are important to him.  His family means a lot to him and I would not expect him to throw all of them away due to his NM.   If we can figure out how to structure a relationship with her, and ignore attacks she send through her peons, I think we can do this.  We are going to have to try.  Because, at this point, that is the only option.

Update on Mother-in-Law

So, I've done a ton of research in the past two months on Narcissism.  In a prior post, I wrote about my MIL, her horrible behavior towards me and how I was confused how it could seem so narcissistic, but not be.  Well, I've changed my mind, she is a narcissist too.  All that "generosity and caring" that I thought I saw, I know attribute to her attempts to control and retain attention from her kids.  Part of me felt "how can I have all these narcissists in my life?"  That didn't seem right.  But I've now learned how I've been primed to attract them.  How once you've been "trained" by a narcissist, others can smell it on you like a blood trail to a kill.
I came across an article about the 25 character traits of a narc.  As I read, I was floored.  My MIL ticked off so many boxes.  Almost as much as my mom.  I spent days writing out examples of how she fit the criteria.  And finally, with shaky hands I presented it to my husband.  I was so anxious, and I just knew he wouldn't believe me.  He'd think I was over analyzing.  Funny thing, though, he DID believe me.  He said he saw so much of it.  And while he didn't think she is as extreme or hurtful as my mother, he did acknowledge that she has caused a lot of problems with her behavior.  I felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders.  I finally didn't feel so alone.  I felt believed.  It was a new dawn for me.

I've written a lengthy blog about my MIL, her behaviors,  and I don't want to rehash old material.  But I need to rewrite about her through my new perspective.  With my new understanding, I need to see it in writing all the ways she has manipulated and tried to control us.

She is no boundaries.  None.  She does not know how to let her sons be grown adults.  She rushes in at the slightest invitation into her children's lives.  She listens as her son complains about my SIL.  She knows all about their marriage.  She sees nothing wrong with him confiding in her over my SIL.  In fact, she has expressed that confiding in her makes her sons "good sons" in her eyes.  She does not view us as individuals, but parts of a conglomerate of people.  One blob with ten heads.  She expects us all to do things the way they've always done things.  There is this unwritten set of ways-of-being in the world, that we are all supposed to be.  We are supposed to share the same opinions of things.  We are all supposed to have the same interests.   Everything is communal.  Nothing is separate and individual.  What one has, belongs to everyone.  Sounds like one big, close family, but in fact the "family" swallows everyone whole.  No one is allowed to have a relationship that is seperate.  She must be aware of, and in the middle of all relationships.  She does not encourage the brothers to spend time with each other with out her.  In fact, although she likes her "alone" time with everyone, she always manages to show up when we are doing something with a sibling.  Or, when she's been excluded, she pouts and says hurtful things (One night, when my BIL and SIL stayed up late at a hotel we all were at, drinking without her, she snapped "sounds like you guys were swingers!"  WTF?  What a crazy, sick, weird thing to say.  But it was clear she felt left out.)  She can not allow anyone time without her.  Once, when she was supposed to be showering, and my son was going for a walk with his grandpa, she threw on clothes and ran out to join them.  She eavesdrops, she gossips, she shares EXTREMELY private information about others (like in which manner my sister-in-laws pubic hair was shaved during childbirth....just ew).  I can not tell her anything, and in fact hubby and I've taken to keeping things from her because she shares information with others to get attention for herself.  To make her seem like the close, connected mother, or just to make herself look better.  She will physically put herself between me and someone I'm talking to to invade a conversation.  She butts into conversations that she is not a part of.   She feels it is her job to portion out food to the grandkids.  If she feels one needs more of something, she'll remove it from another child's plate.  Regardless, if the kid even asked for it.  And she never asks.  She calls in "sharing" but I think it is taking when you grab from someone without asking.  She does weird things to feel connected, like using my son's napkin to wipe her own greasy fingers, even though there were plenty of other napkins.  There is not a plate on the table that she doesn't feel the need to sample.  It kills her if you do not offer her a bite of something and she stares or hints until you give her some of whatever you have.  She walks in on people when they should expect privacy.  She has no problem walking around in her underwear and encourages other family members to do this to.  She even bought me a little nighty to wear at her house, because I always wore sweats when I got up in the morning (she thought I slept like this, but I feel you should cover up somewhat.)
She turns everything back to herself.  Most compliments are framed in away to refer to herself or her family. When I first met her she would turn every topic back.  "OH, you are a dancer?  Well, (hubby) won a dance contest once."  ONCE.  And then I had to hear about the one time he danced over and over.  I've heard every family story repeatedly.  And despite 15 years with hubby, she still tells me stories about her family like I'm an outsider. She knows little about me, and in fact rarely asks.  She often forgets my step parents names.  She knows nothing about what I did in highschool or as a child.  She spent little time getting to know me at all and in fact, seemed to go about discriminating me into her world.  It never even occurred to her that I would do things differently, or view things differently.  I almost felt like I was expected to morph into a clone of what she defined her family as.  I was never given any respect for my individuality and personal preferences.  She pushed me to be like her, create a family like her, be Christian like her.  She rammed religion down my throat.  I do not like organized religion.  I didn't want to be pushed to be a part of her church things.  But she guilted and pushed...even pushing for my baptism.  I went along with it all, trying so hard to fit in and belong to a family again.  She had the assumption that her family would all do things just like she had, and why would they ever do things differently?
As my relationship with my husband evolved, she became very jealous of me and competitive.  She works to take me down a peg.  "Oh, well you make good lasagna.  But I make good spaghetti."  "Oh, well, I would do Christmas cards like you, but I just don't have time."  She can't just say, thanks for the card.  She takes everything I do as an indictment on her behavior.  She always feels she needs to justify herself, in relation to what I am.  If some one tells me I do something well, she either tries to do it too, or finds a way to minimize it.  She has humiliated me in public over my small chest (which I am fine with, but I don't like being made fun of in public).  She has made negative comments about my newborn son, saying he had an "unfortunate nose" and "his mom's broad forehead".  Then she says "none of MY boys have that nose".   How she can insult her tiny grandbaby was beyond me.  She makes big deals about telling me when my husband has told her something before me.  "Well, I knew all about that.  He told ME everything.  I knew what he was doing for you."  It always seemed so weird to me that she felt the need to compete to be more important.  She covets what I have and do.  She is always copying what I do, from clothes, to jewelry, to my interests.  If husband and I do something or get something, she has to get the same for herself.
She has this impression that she has a "perfect" family.  She is obsessed with the latest "best" thing in life.  She will do anything or like anything, if ANYONE says it is the best.  She has little personal identity and is always taking on the "mask" of whatever she thinks people will like the most at the time.  She also likes to project onto her kids what they should like.  She doesn't ask anyone what they think, but tells them.  "OH, you'll LOVE this blah, blah, blah."  She labels her family and assigns roles.  She micromanages and controls everything.  She has an insatiable need to be needed and be important to "her boys".  She acts like her sons are perfect and defends them against anything.  They are always right and everyone else is wrong.  She has assigned scapegoat status to the one son who had the misfortune of some learning disabilities and other social disorders.  They family has made a habit of holding him up as a sort of shield, or sacrifice, as if to say "see, he's weird.  We're not weird.  If it weren't for him, we'd be perfect."  They've held this child as the dumping ground for all the blame for any perceived criticisms of the family.  She can't take any critisism, about herself or her perfect sons, so this family member is the distraction.
Not only does she not take critisism, and in fact, becomes angry and arguementative but she really doesn't consider any one's opinion at all.  She makes the assumption that her family all has the same opinion and when she is confronted with my difference of opinion, she again gets huffy.  She treats my knowledge in my chosen profession as ridiculous...until she wanted me to 'fix' scapegoat son.  The only opinions she takes is if she feels it would lead her to having the 'best' of something.  And these opinions are only from random strangers.  She has the most shallow of relationships with most people I know.  She is phony, loud, and boisterous.  She will laugh the loudest at a joke, even though she rarely understands what the joke is.  She uses laughter to deflect from her nasty comments to and about people.  She always has to appear to be in on something.  She does not get social clues and often laughs at inappropriate things (like when  I told her I rushed my son to the E.R.).  The family's behavior in public leaves something to be desired (loud, rowdy, scene causing in restaurants) but she acts as if they are entitled to behave that way.  But with other's she will be very critical.
She does not know how to create a real relationship and often forces the issue.  She wanted she and I to be best friends and do everything together, but took no time to actually create a relationship.  She talks at me and my sons.  "Grammy thinks your...GRAMMY thinks"  "I bet you think, Jessie...."  "Jessie, you should do this as a profession...I think you'd do well".  She never asks how we feel, or think, or if we like things.  It's her projection onto us.  She can not read the social cues of my kids and often pushes them when they are feeling shy or upset.  She once mistook my son's crying as "happy noises".  Not sure how she did that.   Maybe it was just deflection from the guilt she felt for not noticing.  She uses my kids to suck emotional and physical attention.  She is always kissing, hugging, and holding them, even when they do not want this attention.  She exclaims how kids are good for cuddling with.  She gets her narc supply from cuddling all over them, and it's so one sided.  I don't know how to explain how I know this, but you can almost see it.  My older son rarely can remember her name, despite seeing her often and knowing all of his other grandparents' names, and I know it's because she doesn't forge any relationship with him.  She shows no interest in him as a person, but what he can provide for her.  She once pushed him into taking a picture because she wanted to show it off to her friends.  Not because she wanted a reminder of her precious grandson.  So she could show off.  She doesn't really play with him (more hovers over him), and when she does she's showing my son HOW to play, not playing with him.  She talks about him as if he isn't there (and he knows this and it makes him uncomfortable.)  She always is "measuring" up the grandkids to see who is doing what, and if my son isn't at the stage she thinks he should be she gets weirdly quiet about it.
Her relationship with my husband has always been weird (on her end).  She used to make him the golden child.  He was a star athlete, and I always felt she sucked up more than her fair share of attention for his accomplishments (although I couldn't put my finger on this at the time.)  She didn't see it as his success, but the families success.  She used to use him to get his brothers to do what she wanted.  She would tell him to tell the brothers things, so she would be distanced from it and remove herself from the 'blame' should any arise.  She would put him in charge of decisions that he shouldn't have and then when resentment and anger arose, she'd point it at hubby.  "Well, HE picked the restaurant."  He just thought he was being a good son.  He didn't see the position she was manipulating him into.  She wanted this super close relationship with him.  She invited herself on our vacations, included herself in things she shouldn't have, and took over activities that we used to do as a couple.  She just couldn't understand why we WOULDN'T want family involved in these things.  She often treated him as a co-parent.  When we started to separate, she started to get desperate.  She started pushing us to get married (in December, like she did, despite my extreme dislike of the idea).  She pushed relentlessly for grandkids, and felt she should dictate who had kids first.  She started to become 'helpless' in situations.  She need my husband to help her with things that were completely in her ability.  She was retired, has tons of time, and is supposedly very intelligent, but she needed husband to rescue her and help her.  She would bait him with insane comments to get his attention.  She seemed so childish and immature.  And when she isn't acting like a baby, she (and FIL) feel the need to treat us like children, unable to make our own decisions.  In fact, all of my BILs are still very child-like and depend on the in-laws to approve and help with all their decisions.  They do not act like adults.  And I've always felt like, in MILs eye, the perfect model is:  she is the center hub of a wheel, and we are all spokes off of her.  She turns us all and we orbit around her.  She connects everyone to everyone else.  I used to use this model even before I knew what narcissism is, and now, it only confirms what I think I already knew.
Sorry this is so long, but I had to get it off my chest.  Thanks to anyone who has made it to the end of my rant!

Oh, and one other small thing.  She is the worst gift giver.  My gifts are always a rote gift (she picks one thing out and gives me the same thing every year, just a different version.  Like cookbooks, or christmas ornaments).  One year she gave me a wine glass (one of two) that she got at a wine tasting (so it was cheap and inexpensive) from a winery she "knew" I liked.  I didn't like the winery.  She told me she thought I would like the winery, and somehow got the two confused in her head.  I've also received mouthwash, a toothbrush, and a crow bar.

Unanswered Prayers

So, I've been praying a lot for God to guide me and give me strength.  He has answered me in so many ways.  Provided opportunities that have moved my healing along.  Provided insights that have made me more whole again.  But last night, he provided a crazy situation for me.

I have avoided leaving my children with my mother and MIL.  In fact, I haven't really had a babysitter period because I have not known how to rationalize this to the "grandmothers" and have hid behind my breastfeeding as an excuse.  But yesterday, my favorite band announced a concert and it is not something I can not go to.

First and foremost, my husband needs me.  We desperately need some time to just be the two of us.  This band is very important to us (as crazy as that sounds) and we need this time to just be us again.  Everything else we've had has been corrupted by our families and we need this time.  Not to mention, that in five years, I have not taken ONE day off from being a mom.  Not one.  I really think, no, I know, that my kids and I deserve to have a time where we are without each other to regroup.  My kids need some time away from me.  They need to know, that just because I'm not there, they will  be alright.

And in fact, I have left my oldest son.  He has been going to school two mornings a week for a year now.  Sad that I feel safe leaving my son with near strangers but the thought of leaving him with my MIL and Mom sends my anxiety racing.  And if I could somehow figure to NOT use the "moms" I would (I know this will be a suggestion, but I feel somehow, I will need to find a way to allow my kids alone time with their grandmothers).  I plan on finding a more consistent babysitter in my town.  But sometimes, it will require a grandmother.

Here's the reality,  I generally think my kids would be OK with the grandmas.  Ok, one grandma makes me extremely nervous.  She will, most likely, never be allowed to drive my small children, spend a lot of time with my small children, or watch them outside of my home (which is baby proofed, and should provide some cushion.)  She is a space cadet.  She would "tick off the boxes" (to use a good phrase from blogger, Kara) of childcare.  They wouldn't starve.  Eventually,  they will make it to sleep.  I think they will be OK.   But they will be overtired.  She will miss all emotional cues.  She will not be sympathetic when they are sad.  She will try to fix it or distract it and move on.  She will miss the small signs of my shy, independent boy.  She will  not know how to provide and emotional stability.  The other grandma will subtly undermine by sweet boy.  Not often, not intentionally, but she will somehow shame him in a sick game that suggests the shame she feels.  She probably will be short with him.  He will annoy her.

And I wrestle with it all.  Am I being a hypocrite for allowing women who have treated me so poorly access to my kids alone?  Will they damage my boys in the same way they've damaged me?  Or will an hour here, an hour there, teach them that some people are just ridiculous and that their parents unconditional love will carry through.  I can't bubble wrap them from every nasty person.  But what effect does a nasty (if not overtly, but subtly abusive) person do to them?  I don't believe my narcissistic grandmother changed me...but she really had limited access to me.  No contact is not an option.  Chaining my kids to me is not an option.  I need a release.  I need some time away.  But my guilt at not being there for my boys eats at me.  I trust them to deal with occasional disappointment, I think some less than positive feelings for them gives them character and resilience.  But where is the line?  Do these women deserve this?  It is eating me alive.

And as I wrote this, my mother called and left a voice mail.  She had heard about the concert (how in the world she found out this obscure piece of information, when she is SOOO busy at work, unnerves me) and called all hyped up...giddy even.  "I'm calling to see if you need a babysitter for XYZ.  I heard about it and wanted to see if you need a babysitter!!!!" .  What an innocent call from anyone else.  But all I can think is ick.  She is so giddy that she knows this is an opportunity that she has an advantage over me.  The news isn't five hours old and she's on the phone pushing.  Will my kids be all right for the hour and a half she has them?  (And the real sticking point is that she is putting them to bed.)  Probably so.  But what if?  Am I neurotic?  Am I hypocritical?  Does admitting your folks are so horrible, and not doing everything to protect MY family from them, make me horrible?

A few examples of crazy making

My mother has taken up the habit of finishing my sentences.  I'm not sure if she has always done this and I'm only now noticing it or if it is some sort of recent desperate attempt to enmesh us.  It drives me crazy.  She will but into the middle of a sentence, attempt to guess what I'm going to say, or even worse, say the same thing I say two seconds after me.  And then she acts like it was her original idea.  When I first noticed it I thought she was loosing her mind.  Now, I know it is her way of stealing the spotlight.

We often spend the day together while my husband does things with my stepfather.  When they come home, she will rush to the door and start barraging them with a "show" she puts on with my son as a puppet.  They haven't even hung up their coats before she starts with "show grandpa how I showed you blah, blah, blah".  Say "polly wants a cracker" (or whatever ridiculous thing she thinks she has taught him).  She then recounts the day with the royal "WE".  As in WE did this, WE did that.  The thing is mostly, WE didn't do any of the things.  She recounts diaper changes and naps and things that I did as stuff she did.

My MIL and Mom both have the annoying habit of staring off into space as you are talking to them.  They then turn and say "Hey!"  and then repeat back exactly what I just said to them!  This is infuriating to me.  My MIL recently did it to my husband.  He was worried about her mental health.  I'm not worried at all.  She, like my mother, is so self absorbed that even external voices are attributed to themselves.

My MIL covets.  When she enters my home, she's always remarking on something.  I often feel I am under a microscope.  She then exclaims "OH, FIL, isn't this great!  I want to get something JUST LIKE THIS!"  I assume she thinks this is a compliment.  But it has grown extremely tiresome that this woman, who has no identity for herself, steals mine.  I know they say imitation is the greatest form of flattery, but it can be overdone.  It can feel like nothing you have or are belongs to you.  And she can't be that in love with everything I do.  Anyway, cut to a few months later, and we will visit her in her home.  Of course, she will have gotten the item/stolen the decorating technique and then she has the nerve to act like it was her idea.  She'll make a big fan fair and brag as if she did something special.  She has "adopted" my hobbies, my way of wrapping Christmas presents, my interests, remodeled her kitchen right after we did, and followed us to Europe on a trip (she attempted to "meet" us there, but thank god husband put the hold on that!).  Then, she goes around acting all worldly and involved to her friends like she is actually the person instead of the sham that she is.  Enough to make me insane.

Pushing Boundaries

There were a lot of little things that used to bug me about people.  They seemed so trivial.  I used to wonder what in the heck was wrong with me.  Why would such small things drive me up the wall, make my skin crawl so?  I used to think that it was related to my anxiety.   That I just had some irritability and little things bothered me.   Then, I found narcissism and the puzzle pieces started to come together.  Oh!  That's what that is!  It's a narcissistic trigger.  These small things violated some sense of boundaries in me and I felt helpless.  Here are a few examples:

I do not make my son give hugs to older relatives if he doesn't want to.  In fact, I don't make him hug anyone if he doesn't want.  I have always felt it was such a violation to force a child to let some old aunt slobber all over them if the child feels uncomfortable with it.  I felt that it taught the child that if an adult tells you that you have to perform a physical act, you need to comply, even if you don't feel good about it.  It all felt like a very slippery slope.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I expect my son to be polite and respectful.  I expect that he will greet and say goodbye to adults in our home.  But I feel physical contact should be organic.  It should come because someone wants to express how they feel...not how someone thinks they should feel.  It should be a two-way street.

This really hit home as guests were leaving my son's birthday party this weekend.  We went to the door and I asked him to say goodbye.  And there was my NMom.  She's aggressively hounding and nagging my son.  "Go give Grandma a hug goodbye!  Give Grandpa a hug!  Tell Grandma you love her!  Tell Granny you love her!"  She's barking orders, putting words in his mouth.  It makes me skin crawl when she tells him exactly what he is supposed to say.  I say "please say goodbye to your grandmother." and let him decide how to do it.   She says, "Tell your grandmother goodbye and that you lover her.  Tell her 'see you soon'.  Tell her 'thanks for the gift'!"    I want my son to find his own words to say these things.  And most often, he is perfectly capable of forming his own sentences.  Yes, sometimes he needs a prompt to remember his manners, but I want the words to be his.  He's like a puppet on her string.  Drives me insane.  And when she starts pushing the hugs, I really get annoyed.  I can vividly remember being forced to hug some strange relative I'd never met and feeling...well, icky.  Not because of some sexually perversion.  Just because it felt wrong to hug someone I didn't know.  So, I don't make my kid give hugs.  When he hides behind me, I don't push him forward the way my in-laws do to my niece.  I endure the nasty looks.  I don't care.  The command to "come give ME a hug" is just not something we do in this home unless we want to.  And frankly, why don't people ask if they can give the child a hug, instead of demanding it from the child.

I also do not make my child pose for photos.  Yes, I sometimes ask a couple of extra times, if I really want a nice photo of a special occasion.  But I hate when the grandmothers push and nag my child for a photo.  This past weekend, during the party, my son was getting sick.  He did not feel well and was sitting on the couch.  My MIL and Mom pounced.  "Come take a picture for me!"  He replied he didn't want to.  They pushed and pushed.  "Why can't you take a picture?  Grandma wants to take a picture of you so she can show all her friends when they come over to her house!".  Huh.  I'm guessing the three year old could care less that you want to show off for your friends.  I'm sure your wishes and desires are the last thing on his mind.  The fact that she thought that her showing off to her friends was enough of a compelling reason to jump up, plaster a phony smile, and do what she asked irritated me.  And it never occurred to her to say to her 'precious' grandson that she wanted to take a photo of him because she wanted a reminder of HIM in her home.  It was all about her. But again, I am the bad guy for having such a rebellious child, and I don't care.  Why all this phoniness?  Posed pictures that depict a reality that isn't true so we can show off for people we don't care about?  Nope.

I also can't stand when people tell me my son is the spitting image of his dad.  Or that he looks just like his Dad when his Dad was little.  Or, the worse, he is a "mini-daddy".    Why would this bother me so much?  I wondered what kind of horrible person wouldn't want their son to look like their handsome dad?  And, honestly, he does look like his dad.  Spitting image?  No.  Mini-anybody?  No. He has traits of lots of family members.  What bugged me was the labeling of my son before he even has a chance to develop. Expectations and ideas that are put on him without any thought to his inner person.   That he had to be a little copy of someone.  That no one was looking at his individuality.  I know lots and lots of people find the similarities of children and their parents.  But it struck a nerve with me that people just couldn't let them be.  I don't mind the occasional comment.  But the ones who go on and on and on and won't let it go irritate me.  My MIL, who I know somehow sees the reincarnation of her "golden child" in my son, irritates me.  She in fact, felt it was her job to dictate to me and my SIL who could have the first grandchild and I know it was because she wanted to set up some ideal situation and lay the groundwork for her "golden grandchild".  And on my husbands whole side of the family, I often feel like little more than an incubator to them, so to have them never acknowledge that I have any part in the "golden grandchild" and that his "ALL (my husband's last name)" is annoying.

My mom is the worst with her comments.  She is obsessed with who the kids look like.  She has never acknowledged my children look like me at all.  She loves to comment how my kids look like my sister.  How they could be my sister's kids.  Secretly, I bet she wishes they were the golden child's.  She loves to tell me how my son reminds her of my deceased great grandfather.  Not because they actually look alike or have some quality in common.  It's just "something about him".  It's weird and creepy, the way she says it and the 'knowing' smile she has.  (Which isn't a knowing smile at all.  It's the smile she uses when she wants to ACT like she holds some secret knowledge that none of us has.  In reality, she's very seldom able to see passed the surface of anything.)  She also likes to tell me that I'm a "mini" her.  That I dress just like her and decorate my house just like her.  That I parent just like she did.  She's always claiming I parent just like she did.  Unless it's something she doesn't like.  Then, I'm just like my Dad.  She often has my stepfather claim I'm a mini-her.  Fact is, he doesn't know me at all.  He only knows what she tells him about me.  The half-truths, lies, and manipulations she tells him.  How do I know she does this?  One, she tells me lies, half-truths, and manipulations about HIM (as well as everyone else)  in order to look make herself good (as well as everyone else).  And two, my sister has told me the lies mom's told her about me.  And so help me god, I hope I am nothing like her.   I told my dad one time that she called me a 'mini-her'.  He was surprised that it bothered me.  "Why would I want to be a mini-anybody dad?  Why can't I just be me?"

So, I think I've rambled in a million directions with this post.  It's funny how one memory triggers another.  And then another light bulb goes off.  The puzzle pieces fall into place and one piece leads to the addition of another and soon you can see the whole narcissistic picture.

Broken

I just had a really bad evening with my in-laws.  I'm sure that I'm being discussed at this very moment.  That I am crazy.  They're all wondering what the hell is wrong with me.
As background, my in-laws all run on their own schedule.  My MIL and FIL have been here every weekend, expecting to just drop by at their convenience, for the past month.  And then every other weekend before that. They show up whenever they want and expect us to present the grandchildren so that they can have their little moments.  They are very different from the type of person I am.  We just have never clicked.  Not they are not nice people, they are just inconsiderate people.  They do little to predict or understand how their actions might effect someone else.
The short story is that they wanted everyone to get together tonight (us and husband's brother's family).  They don't make plans.  They just expect things to fall together.  When we arrive at the restaurant their is a 45 minute wait.  I have a baby.  I knew that things weren't going to go well from there.  Over an hour later we are still waiting for a table.  My MIL tells my 3 year old that she has a gift in the car.  Not for him now, but in the car.  And she expects him to wait for it.  She and my FIL think it's so funny how he politely asks to go out and get it (but don't actually get it).  They come over and tell me stories about my son to ME as if I don't know him at all.  They don't get that I'm getting agitated knowing that at any moment, my son is going to turn into a cranky mess.   We sit down, and there is some grousing on MIL's part because she can't sit in the middle of the table.  We all have small kids we need to attend to, but she can't be center of attention, and is annoyed.  We finally arrange the seating at the table, quickly order some food for the kids and an appetizer for hubby and me (while everyone else waits to eat, making my poor niece and nephew wait the whole time).  When the food comes, my MIL starts doling out food from one person's plate to the other.  This is a thing with her.  That everyone "share" whether they wanted to or not.  This irritates me to no end.  I know that it's not that big of a deal, but to me, it is such a boundary violation.  Who does she think she is, that she gets to determine who gets what food and how much?  She's grabbing my son's food, giving it to my niece (not that I mind him sharing, in fact, I encourage it) but she doesn't even wait to see if my niece asks for it.  She just hands food around.  And then starts sneaking her own bits of food off his plate.   Again, I know this seems small.  But it is a repeated thing where she will help herself to my son's food instead of getting her own.  It's not about the food to her.  It's about some weird "connection" she feels by crossing those boundaries and all being "one" that irritates me.  She used to do this with me before my kids came along.  I always left family meals hungry, as everyone else "helped" me finish food after they gulped down their own.  It's a touchy subject with me.  Not about the food, but the sense of feeling violated.  No one cared if I was hungry, or what I wanted, just about what they wanted.  MIL throws out (rather screams across the table) how great the card  I sent her for Mother's Day was.  She quickly sent me an email card this morning after mine arrived in the mail.  (Is it the thought that counts?  What if there is no thought?).  I doubt her sincerity as well, it just doesn't seem sincere.  My FIL loudly goes on about what my son knows of letters, although when I try to tell him what else my son can do, he ignores me.  MIL makes pointed comments to my son about how good he is "sharing".  My temperature is through the roof.  My SIL starts suggesting that hubby and I need a night out (which we do) but I find the timing weird.  She also suggests a girl's night, yet has been cold and reserved and on her phone all night.  I am slowly getting swallowed by my anxiety.  I feel pressure everywhere.  Tension.  And it is probably my fault.  My SIL and BIL leave their kids all the time with the in-laws.  I'm too afraid too (she's a space cadet).  They have a date night tomorrow.  My MIL has watched the kids all day and will watch them tomorrow.  They are one, big, chummy family, and I'm the bitch that keeps my husband and kids from being that too.
We finally get up to leave, leaving everyone else to their meals that haven't arrived.  But my infant is clawing at my head he is so tired.  My in-laws finally ask to take my older son to get their gift from the car.  I say yes, hold his hand (they act like this is a given, but with them, it is NOT) in the crazy parking lot, and to please hurry.  We wait for them.  Then they saunter in checking out cars.  Then, my FIL suggests he needs to "stop by" to see my son play baseball.  Again with the drop-ins.  Again, no regard for what we have going on.  Drop everything to see us, they push.  I am boiling by this point.  Then, they want to talk about my other son's birthday party.  They just can't seem to get the point.  I jump in the car, turn the key, and instantly feel awful, but at the same time liberated.  They have pushed and pushed all night, but of course, I am the horrible, rude one.
My husband asks if I'm all right on the way home.  He means mentally.  No.  I'm not the fuck all right.  He suggests I need counseling.  Really?  No shit.  He suggests I'm very angry.  Hell yeah, I'm angry.  I'm so angry.  Angry at them all.  Angry at myself.  Tired of being taken advantage of.  Tired of no one thinking past their own selfish needs, past their own asses.  Tired of being bullied.  I should feel worse, but I don't.  Why can't I be angry sometimes?  Why can't I be annoyed?  Why should I just go along?  Why is thinking about my kid's well being such a crime?
I'm so tired of it all.  So lonely, so tired, so angry, so broken.

My Sister, Narcissist in training?

I think I've always been some what fearful of my sister.  When we were little she would fly into rages.  She would beat the hell out of me, gouging chunks of skin out of my arms, slapping me, hitting me, tackling me to the ground.  It generally was for the smallest offenses.  She didn't like they way I played with something.  I angered her in my choices.  I didn't do what she wanted me to.  It was miserable and my parents rarely protected me.  They treated it as "typical sibling" fighting and that we needed to work it out.   There was no typical about it.  I was at a distinct disadvantage.  I had not the heart to hit her back.  I never wanted to hurt her.  So, I would just protect myself.  I thought all siblings fought like that.  But as I got older, I realized it really was abuse.  Her rage was far beyond what a typical little girl would do.  Her anger and temper were intense and volatile and frequent and my parents should have stepped in.  They should have at least tried to work through it with us.  There should have been some accountability for her actions.  However, most often, I was told to hit her back. And then I would get punished.  I would get into trouble for fighting. As my husband recently said, I got in trouble for getting beat up.  The other outcome was that my mother would tell me to deal with it.  I was charged with watching my sister for two hours after school.  We were only two years apart in age and we were both pretty young.  I was expected to keep her in line, make her do her chores and homework, and generally be babysitter.  This was no short order.  She was rebellious.  She was often difficult for my own parents to control.  She did whatever the hell she wanted to do.  We were assigned chores that required that one person do a chore, so that the other could do their's.  She would have to sweep, so that I could mop.  She had to unload the dishwasher so that I could load it.  I was a hopelessly responsible kid.  I would always want to come home and get my chores done.  At the very least, I knew that if I didn't get the chores done, I would be in trouble.  Erica would wait until 4:45 to do her chores.  My parents got home at 5.  The obvious result would be that I didn't get my chores done and I would be punished.  No matter that she didn't do her's first.  It was my responsibility to get her to do her's.  No matter that there was no pushing her into doing her chores, that I had no leverage for that.  Often, in trying to get her to do her chores, she would fly into a rage at me.  Attacking me and beating me.  I would call my mom in terror.  She would get angry with me for bothering her at work.  Bothering her with my menial problems.  I spent so much time confining my sister until she calmed down, holding her so that she would not hurt herself or me.  These afternoons were horrible.

If you hear tales from my sister, I was horrible.  I "threw her down the stairs once".  No, I dragged her down the stairs in attempt to get the flailing, angry child out the door until she calmed down.  She throws this one  incident, that is not even true, in my face often to "prove" what a horrible sister I was.  She says I always got my own way.  That I bossed her around and she never got a choice.  She claims that I was the "perfect" one.  And in that one regard, she may be correct.  I wasn't allowed to be anything but "perfect".

She was spoiled.  My mother coddled her.  I was often told to go along with what she wanted so that she wouldn't get angry.  I was mom's accomplice in appeasing Erica so that she wouldn't rage.  I was expected to make my mother's life easier by sacrificing my own desires and wants.  Erica always sat beside my mom.  Restaurants, behind her in the car, walking down the street.  I was not allowed to sit by my mom or Erica would throw a fit.  I was recruited to help with Erica's school projects.  I was expected to assume responsiblity for her.

This responsibility continued into our teenage years and beyond.  While my mom was out having an affair, she left me in charge of my, now, very rebellious sister  (overnight and weekends).  We were "co-parents".  As she and my dad split, I assumed his role as parent for her.  Erica spiraled out of control.  Drugs, sex, running away.  It wore my mother down.  She called me daily at college to get my advice, plead for me to help her, to dump all of her worry, stress, and anxiety about my sister on me.  There was no detail spared.

Ironically, my sister and I had actually been pretty close as kids.  We played together a lot and I believed generally enjoyed each other.  As she became so difficult and stressful for my mom, I resented her and became so angry with her.   We hardly spoke.  I hated what she was doing to my mom and thought she was a miserable human being.  As I see it now, I realize that most of my sister's actions can be attributed to my mother's parenting (or lack there of.  See "The Divorce" post).  But I despised her at the time.  She was extremely violent, often attacking me and my mom.  Mom never tried to protect me in these instances, but rather expected me to help protect her.  We were a team, trying to get Erica under control.  My mother ranted about my father not helping and I was expected to relay her messages.  Mom played the role of poor victim and expected me to console her and her unfortunate position.  My sister stole from me, beat me, abused me and my mother only used it as validation of how awful my sister was to her.   See how horrible she is, see what I have to put up with?  Sob, cry, boo-hoo.

As we entered adult hood, my sister and I had a mutual disrespect and dislike for each other.  My mother dragged us on two "mother-daughter" weekends when we were in our early twenties.  These were two of the worse weekends of my life.  I was trapped.  Mom was (what I know know as ) triangulating us, pitting us against each other.  Whispering negative things about the other in our ears.  Playing the poor me role, blaming everything on the other sister.  The fighting was full on war and mom got to play the martyr in the middle.  I swore I NEVER would vacation alone with the two of them again.

After these incidents, the anger and hurt hung between us all.  Somewhere, somehow, my sister and I began to speak again.  We began to compare notes.  We began to see the lies and the manipulations behind our backs.  While I hated her, blamed her, felt so sorry for my mother, my mother was busy blaming me behind MY back, calling me neurotic, saying how difficult I was.   Our position of not talking to each other had created fertile ground for my mother's mythologies to grow.

This realization did not necessarily fix things between me and my sister, but at least it got us talking. She is still very selfish and intense.  She still flies into rages over the smallest things.  She takes things personally, when they have nothing to do with her.  She demands that all attention be on her.  Everyone is expected to follow her schedule, read her mind, do what she wants.  She rarely does anything if it's not something she enjoys.  Everything has to be tailored to her.  Everyone waits on her.  She struggles to get her act together and we are always waiting on her.   She has the biggest problems, the most stress, the most to deal with.  Everything in her life is of the utmost importance.  I often take a back seat in her life.  We are not life long best friends.  Up until a few years ago, the last part of the decade was spent worrying about her.  She's been in and out of the hospital, abusive relationships, and the courts.  She's spent a little time in jail.  Her life is always in turmoil.  She often would call sobbing, drunk, at three in the morning to detail her latest fights with her boyfriend, never caring that I had to work in the morning.  She has had more bad things happen to her than I can count and it all can't be because of bad luck.   She has a sense of entitlement that is unparalleled.  She is naive and idealistic.  If something doesn't happen as she believes it should, she rants about how unjust it all is.

She has rarely been there for me in my times of need.  She offers little support.  In fact, I often get the distinct impression that I'm not allowed to have problems or bad days because they are trivial to her in comparison to the drama that is her life.  She has missed the birth of both my kids and has little investment in them.  She doesn't ask about them.  When we saw her last, she complained of how exhausting it was to spend the day with them.  Mom claims they are "the light of her life and mean the world to her" but that is hard to see.   She often misses their birthdays and sends gifts late (not that I expect gifts, but it would be nice just for them to get some sort of acknowledgement from her).  And then when we do get gifts I spend HOURS literally listening to her on the phone as she shops, complaining she doesn't know what to get them.  The gifts arrive and they are lavish.  After they arrive she complains about how broke she is because she spent all her money on gifts.  I teased her one year when she said the gifts would be late.  "Shocking," I teased.  "What is that supposed to mean?" She snapped.  But they are always late.  She is annoyed by my husband and doesn't tolerate him well.  She doesn't appreciate that he has a place in my life that somewhat displaces her.  Not that she is here that often to displace.  She has railed against me so often for not being "there" for my family.  She calls me selfish, stuck-up, and cold.  She has left me voice mails telling me she is sick of listening to the crap between me and mom and that I need to work it out.  Usually because she is sick of listening to my MOM complain, not me.  But if my mom annoys her, I'm the first person she calls.  She rarely sees our mom and complains when she does.  She doesn't have time for her, she says.  But then she'll make broad statements about how much she loves mom, appreciates mom, and she is the best mom ever.  She forgets mother's day and mom's birthday but if she does remember, she is a hero.  Mom has the best time with her.  Erica is so much fun.  She plasters pictures of her and Erica on Facebook.  Mom has not one picture of me and her.  Mom's always so proud of every little accomplishment Erica has, no matter how menial.  Mom worries about Erica, stresses about her, and makes Erica's issues everyone's issues.  She and Erica are best friends forever.  Best friends who snipe and complain and hurt each other every chance they get.  They both lie to me, complain about me behind my back, and generally place little value in me unless there is something in it for them.

My Mother-in-Law

My relationship with my mother has colored every other relationship in my life.  It seems that she has fitted me with glasses, forcing me to see thing through her lens.  And as I break free, I'm often unsure if I'm seeing someone for who they are, or through the narcissistic lens.

One such relationship is with my mother-in-law, June.  June and I have never been particularly close.  She and I  are very different people.  She is loud and boisterous and hyper.  She often does not see others or  notice the effect she has on others around her.  She lacks self-awareness and is often unable to predict the consequences of her actions.  She is unable to step outside of herself and view things as others do, especially as others might perceive her.  She is blunt and speaks before she thinks.  She is controlling, manipulative, passive-agressive, and critical.  She tends to live in extremes.  Often things are labeled as "the best", and she seems to be very black and white in her thinking.  One thing is the best, and others line up in descending order.

Now, in looking at this description, it seems she has a lot of narcissistic characteristics.  And in fact, she and my mother's behaviors often feel the same to me.  The difference is that I don't believe her to be acting from the same place.  I don't see her as a person who is controlling others to boost herself or in a need to be the most powerful.  She is generous and I truly believe she wants what is best for her children and those around her.  She just spends so much time and energy trying to make everyone happy, that she often ends up making everyone unhappy.  I believe she has ADHD (and I don't throw these terms around, I actually have lots of experience in diagnostics for mental disorders).  I believe this is the root of a lot of her behaviors.  Regardless, though, the effect she has on me is very similar to the effect my mother has on me.

Here are some of the things she has done to drive me crazy:

*She often "teases" people but I find it to be mean.  When my husband graduated from college, the family had a big party.  Probably 45 people were there.  I overhead laughing at the next table.  When I asked what they were laughing at (quite loudly) no one responded.  Finally, when pressed, my MIL said "well, I was saying that I read an article about how laughing can increase your breast size and I said you must not laugh very much!" She cackled, everyone cackled, and I felt so embarrassed.  She will poke fun of people's weights or appearance.
*She struggles with boundries.  She's always standing too close or listening in on a conversation I'm having with someone else.  She's walked in on me changing twice (and she's only had the opportunity to do this about half a dozen times, so proportion wise, it's a lot).  I've purposely moved away from her as she sat too close to me.  She then followed me and actually pursued me around the room.  She asks very personal questions.  Her first question to me when she came to meet her grandson was if my nipples hurt.  Her FIRST question.
*She's pushy.  If she doesn't like my response to something, she'll keep asking.  Lots of times she'll just ignore me and do what she wanted to do anyway.  She harassed me for years about having grandkids.  I told her repeatedly that her son and I weren't ready, we needed to be more secure financially, but she pushed and pushed because all her "friends had grandkids".   She pushed us to get married.  She often pushes us to do things like she did (get married in the same month, live in a neighborhood like hers, relive my husband's childhood through my kids' childhoods.
*She can be rude.  She notices imperfections in my home keeping (I'm actually a very clean, organized person) but she'll point out the smallest thing.  She has told me my son has my "wide forehead".  She also told me that my son "unfortunately, has the Stewart (hubby's paternal side) nose.  None of MY boys has that nose, but I think your son will".  This blew me away.  Not only did she insult my son and her husband's family but then managed to boost herself up at the same time.  Not to mention that my son DOESN'T have that nose and that two of her son's DO.  I always feel like I'm under a microscope when she visits.  She always says "oh, you don't have to clean for us".  But she notices if we don't.  And she is not an overly clean person.  In fact, very cluttered and disorganized.  She has told my Sister-in-law she is getting fat ( while most of her family is overweight).  She often makes fun of people's appearances.
*She is very complimentary.  Often I believe her. But she seems to be complimenting me to try and gain my favor.  And she copies the thing that she complimented me on and then claims it for her own.  Sometimes though she is jealous.  I make a really good lasagna that she had heard about.  I finally made it for her.  She said "You do make a really good lasagna.  But I make really good spaghetti."  What kind of compliment is that?  It is typical for her to compliment herself, especially when it is something she really shouldn't take credit for.
*She likes to have her thumb on her kids.  She used to be worse and has gotten better.  But she tends to think of everyone as one big family unit still.  She expects the more fortunate kids to help out the less fortunate (weather it be with money, time, etc.).  She almost acts like everything is community property.  She often has "family vacations" planned that are manditory.  My husband and I always are required to pay our share.  Rarely do the other family members pay.  What irks me especially about this is that hubby and I are fortunate because we budget and work hard.  Other family members are spenders and don't work.  Why should we have to work hard so that others can benefit?  She tries to control relationships between family members by getting involved in things that don't involve her.  She will sacrifice someone's feelings to keep the peace (or the peace in her mind) with another.   She often likes to sweep things under the table instead of dealing with them and expects everyone else to do the same.  She used to (but less so now with my husband) use one child to convince another one of her children to do something she wanted.  "Why don't you tell them..." so that it would seem her idea came from someone else.  I've often felt bullied by her to do what she wanted.  It used to be that she would tell me that God had sent her special messages for me.  That God had told her I needed something or another to be told to me.  She also prays a lot that people will do what she wants them to do.  She sees nothing wrong with this.  She'll take from one person and give it to another, disrespecting someone's individual needs.  I've seen her take food off one grandkid's plate and give it to another because the second child finished first.  Doesn't matter if the first kid isn't finished yet or how that child feels about it.  This drives me insane.  All my in-laws have helped themselves to food off my plate without asking (after they've snarfed down their food.  I eat slower.  I always go away from family meals hungry)
*She is inconsiderate.  Actually, both of my in-laws are.  They like to drop by unannounced.  At dinner time or nap time.  They expect us to accommodate their schedule (and the schedule of Brother and Sister-in-law).  She shows up late for birthday parties.  When she comes in she makes a big scene about arriving, grabs all the kids and then hogs them the rest of the day.  She has exposed my kids to illness because she wanted to see them.  This is sneaky because she knows we would tell them not to visit if we knew they were sick.  So, she tells us after they have been here for awhile.  They often announce their plans instead of asking to see what works for us.  They never call us ahead of time, even when they know full well they will plan on stopping.  I feel like they bulldoze me.
*She makes me feel like a snob.  I am not.  I just grew up with some rules of decorum.  I try to be respectful of others.  And I am raising my children that way.  She will tell her sons "Don't do that, Jessie doesn't like it" as they put back food from their plate into the main dish if they don't like it.  It makes me feel small and stupid.
*She has first tier and second tier family members.  Her sons, her, and her husband are first tier.  She has ornaments with names on them on her Christmas tree.  First tier people got big ornaments.  Second tier people (me and my sister-in-laws) and the dog got much smaller ornaments.  She gives much more expensive gifts to her sons.  She makes sure that all of her sons favorite meals are at holiday gatherings, but ridiculed my SIL for wanting something special.  She picks out special gifts for her sons, but has a "rote" gift she gives me and my SIL.  She gives us the same thing every year and the same thing to both of us even though we have different taste.  I understand her sons are her actual children and I expect some favoritism.  And it's not about the gifts or money.  It's about the blatant display of separation between us.
*She is gossipy.  She'll tell me things that she thinks my SIL and BIL are doing wrong with their kids but acts like it's out of  her concern for them.  But she doesn't mention it to them because she doesn't want to interfere and be "that MIL".  I don't trust her with anything because she tells everyone everything.  She doesn't respect privacy.  She accidentally sent pictures of my SIL's exposed body after delivery of her baby to her husband's boss.  And thought it was funny.  I can only imagine what "concerns" she expresses to my SIL about me.
*One of the biggest bones of contention is that I'm allergic to her dog.  When BIL and SIL could no longer keep their dog, she took it, knowing full well that I was allergic.  Now, she has every right to have a dog and I would never begrudge her it.  But it makes it difficult to go to her house.  For years, I was made to feel like my life-threatening allergy was a nuisance, like she had to go to all this extra work to accommodate me.   She has never once asked me about my asthma or allergies or how she can make it easier on me, but often comes to me with "cures".  I spent years and money on medications, shots, and every thing I could to stop it.  Nothing worked.  She now lets the family's 6 dogs come to her house on holidays, and then acts hurt that we don't go.  I know there has been rumbling behind my back that I can't attend.  When I would go they would put the dog in a back room.  The dog would shortly be back out because the dog was whining and felt "left out".   The dog always laid at my feet but no one moved it.  There was one wooden chair in the house I could sit in because they others were covered in hair and dander.    Finally, when I got pregnant, I decided enough was enough.  I couldn't go because I refused to put myself or my baby's health at risk to appease someone.  The kicker was when she told me she'd never get a cat because my BIL and SIL are allergic and they "would kill" her.  It makes it hard on hubby because we often can't go to his home town to visit.  Or we have to spend lots of money to visit.  And then we can't go to his parents house for more than a few hours.  He totally supports me, but it sucks for him.
*She pushed me to be friends.  But it came from a "keep your friends close but your enemies closer" stance.  She always told me that she didn't want to be "that MIL" because she didn't want to loose her sons.  But in doing so, she's pushed me away.  She tried to force a relationship and friendship but didn't want to let it develop and blossom over time.  She seemed anxious and panicked about getting me into the fold, so to speak.  She wasn't interested in finding a mutual satisfying relationship.  It was all about meeting her needs and she either ignored or plain bowled over anything I felt.  Most of her behaviors towards me feel phony.

So, I'm stuck with this woman and feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place.  I always feel like something is wrong with me as I've struggled with both the "mothers" in my life so much. Is it just me?   How much of what I feel is tainted by my relationship with MY mom.  How much is she really overbearing, pushy, and just plain socially inept?  And how to I resolve my feelings with her?  For years, I spent trying to do what I could to make it work.  I never rocked the boat.  I never stood up to her.  I never laid down boundries.  And now things are out of control.   There is so many things simmering.  And, now, when I do say something, she becomes huffy and offended.   Often she is so defensive that the point is lost.  I never learned to speak frankly with my own mother (in fact, was discouraged to do so) and now I don't know what to do in this situation.  Where is the line between a boundary and being rude?