When my mother came for my son's birthday in May, it ended horribly. She picked fights with me until I final stood up to her and stopped her. I told her that if she wanted any kind of relationship with me, she needed to stop condescending me and treat me as an adult. She even tried to rope my husband into the situation, telling him (after I left the room but could still her here) that what I was "doing wasn't right". I'm assuming "what (I) was doing" was being NC with my sister and that most of the reason she was picking the fight with me was so that she could yell at me about being NC with my (forever-in-chaos) sister. I'm not so sure she really cares that I'm NC with my sister, other than dealing with my sisters drama falls mostly on her. Oh, and it looks bad. Oh, and it probably leaves her at a disadvantage when trying to triangulate. Among other things.
After she left, she "reached out" to me several times trying to get me to mend the relationship to "what it used to be". (She clearly is trying to label our relationship as good "before", but she knows damn well, it's never been good. I just kept myself quite and never fought back, so it was "good" for her. Not me.) I finally responded that our relationship needed some serious work and that it would take time and effort. She agreed. And then I didn't hear from her again for three months (except once, when she caught wind that I was on vacation and demanded to know where I was). She started playing games again with me about a month ago. NM is a very tit for tat kind of person, so because she believes I am withholding or ignoring her or not "reaching out", she behaves the same way to me. So, she would ask me questions and then not respond for awhile. She pulled out a fabricated story that she uses every. single. time, she comes to visit. She demands to know what the plans are, as she claims that work is "so busy" (and she's always about to be "let go" so she has to be careful. She's worked for the same company for 35 years) and that "other coworkers are looking to take time off". You'd think she'd remember the bullshit she tells me every time, but no. Anyway, she went back and forth, telling me she would get a hotel (which I had hoped) but then asked at the last moment to stay here.
Now, before anyone criticizes, I know, I know. I know that was a bad decision to allow her here. I know I should (probably) be NC. I know all of the things I should be doing. However, I did it because my kids already know something is up. They also know that grandma has been less than welcome and we've had very limited contact. They have been upset by this. They also miss my step father, who is (mostly) a very nice man and grandfather to them. I feel that I have gone into extreme LC with her and that I could handle a day and a half of her being here, especially with SD (step dad) here (he tends to keep her in check a bit. One of the problems with the last trip was that he didn't come. So, she got drunk and started picking fights. Also, my husband does not want to go NC, with either my FOO or his NFOO. He feels my kids will resent not having grandparents and I struggle with that thought.
I have done a lot of work and I did feel a whole lot less anxious about the whole thing (in addition to NM, I also have to deal with NMIL during this weekend. She also likes to stir up drama. I also have a SIL who likes to create drama too and always "complicates" the birthday parties. She is always late, or doesn't show, or one time, stomped off in a fit because she was angry with my BIL.) My husband's been gone a lot for work and life has been hectic, and so I was surprised at how calm I was remaining.
And then, NM showed up over an hour earlier than she normally would. And the weekend started. So, here are some highlights:
*As I said, she should up early. This is typical NM, to try and throw me off balance. I've had her sneak around my home and knock on my living room windows (as I was nursing my baby-openly- and with SD in tow) in order to "surprise me". She thinks it's funny to throw people curve balls and laughs gleefully. She knows my son doesn't get home from school until later in the afternoon and my husband works, but she showed up at 3:30. I was not done cleaning (and was upset) so I said a breezy hello and said "oops! I was just finishing vacuuming! I'll be with you in a minute." I hadn't had a chance to get my son settled from school, I hadn't had a moment to do some calming exercises, like I'd hoped. And I know she did it on purpose. She always at least calls when she gets into town, but not this time. So, it doesn't start well.
* I continue vacuuming, calming myself and regrouping. When I go to say hello (she and SD huddled back into my kids rooms, which I wasn't happy about. I had also hoped to have my son straighten his room after school, but no such luck.) she was gone. It had been, maybe, 10 minutes. I talked briefly to stepdad, apologizing for not being ready and not expecting them early. His reaction told me he also knew she was trying to screw with me. (NM's vengeful side and her get-even-nature, are well known to both me and SD.) Because I couldn't find her, I went out into the garage to go outside and gather some tarps I'd had out, but hadn't had a chance to put away. As I came around the corner, she jumped. There she was, on the phone.....with my sister. I was pissed immediately. She used to do this to me, before we went NC. She'd have my sister on the phone as she walked in the door of my house, describing me, my home, what I had going on....before she even said hello. She used to claim my sister was "jealous" of her spending time with me and "always" called right as she was pulling in. I didn't believe it then and I don't believe it now. I think it is so ridiculous that she needed to be on the phone with my sister. I'm sure she was crying about how I hadn't greeted her like she wanted. (Also, in May when she was here, she also used this phone trick to stir up drama. She kept jumping up to check her phone -making a big scene - or checking her iphone watch. Then, tons of huffing and blowing and sighing. Every time we went to do anything, there was a "sudden" emergency text. She claimed my aunt was having some problem with my cousin and was demanding support. I ended up peeking at her phone....which she left open to the messages....when she set it down and found out SHE was texting my aunt and asking how it was all going. My aunt kept telling her not to worry and enjoy her weekend.)
*NM spends several minutes talking on the phone to my sister, going around the corner of the garage so I can't here her. She then comes in, but I'm now starting to cook cupcakes (which I had needed to do and since she was busy....). She hasn't come to say hello at all. When I go looking for her (again, another 10 minutes later), she's got my older son outside. I watch from the window as he tries to show her some of his soccer footwork. She's scrolling on her fucking phone. I'm annoyed that, this boy whom she claims is so damn important is trying to show her something and she's ignoring him. And she's only been here 20 minutes. So, I open the door and tell him he needs to come do his homework. She starts paying attention. He comes in (after smarting off. He tends to smart off, mostly, when she is around) and I ask him who grandma was talking to (I know, I shouldn't put him in the middle, but I wanted to know if he knew). Of course he knew. "Auntie Drama. (NM) said my moves were so good that she videotaped her and sent them to auntie." Now I'm really pissed. My sister has only marginally (at best) paid any attention to my kids. She forgets their birthdays. She rarely sends gifts or spent time with them before NC. I had to take both of my kids to meet HER, not the other way around. She is jealous of the attention they receive from me. She is a horrible influence around them and sets bad examples (swearing profusely, drinking, complaining endlessly if she has to do too many "kid" centered thing, being vulgar and exposing them to vulgar things, along with her abusive boyfriend. She wanted to bring her abusive boyfriend to meet me for the first time....and stay in my home for days...immediately after my C-section with my second son. When I said no, she refused to come). She few times she saw my kids, she paid attention to them for a limited amount of time and then grew bored and went back to drawing attention to herself. She has never expressed any genuine interest in my kids (my youngest, 5, she's only met once at 2 months. He was a year and a half old when I went NC). I felt it was such a violation that NM would send a video of my kids to her. I felt that it crossed big boundaries. I felt that NM was placing my sister's wants over mine. I felt she was using my son and manipulating him into thinking my sister actually gives a shit about him. (NM wants everyone to think well of my sister).
*So, I go back to the cupcakes and son goes downstairs to play with his brother, SD, and NM. I come down a few minutes later and she won't look at me. She does not say hello or greet me at all. I had tried to be friendly (but disconnected) as I came down to say hello, but she blatantly wouldn't look at me. As I watch the game, I notice she is starting to bristle at my older son. He used to be her "everything" but when he turned 5, she started to lash out at him. She would do things to put him in his place and often projected negative characteristics onto him (i.e. that he was greedy, or selfish, or mean, or stubborn, or controlling, or rigid). My son is very independent. And he can, on occasion, be bossy. But he's also a good leader (that is the word his teachers repeatedly use). He is polite, but definitely doesn't allow people to walk on him. He is not passive and a follower, which bugs the shit out of NM. He is not obedient ("disrespectful" in her terms) and she hates that she can't control him. So, she creates situations in which she can then chastise him for being "greedy" or "mean". But she does it very, very covertly. She once sent a package loaded with gifts for his little brother and light on gifts for him (after she got in trouble with me for her convincing him to keep a secret from me) and when I pointed it out that he noticed, she snorted and said "figures he'd keep track!" as if he was being petty and ungrateful. He was 5 at the time.
Anyway, as I watch the game, she clearly has it in his mind that he's trying to win the game and is shifting things in his favor. (She also favors my little son and so is overprotective). In reality, he has noticed the shift of her attention and the favoritism, and he's really just trying to get her attention by winning and showing them how smart he is. Especially since it's "his" birthday weekend (and NM had told him that little son got more attention last time, as it was his birthday) he just wanted to impress them. But he wasn't playing outside the rules and, I felt, he was actually being pretty kind to his little brother. But NM started snorting and implying he was cheating giving him a disdainful evil eye. (Later, when he accused her of changing up the rules to favor his little brother, she retorted with "you're a cheater!!" I wasn't in the immediate vicinity to intervene, but called my son to come upstairs and help me.)
It really bothers me that she sets my son up like this. On her last day here, she came up, smuggly laughing that my son "doesn't like that I challenge his way of doing things". Firstly, she is not "challenging" him. She's pulling rank, as an adult, and telling him he can't do things as he sees. She doesn't negotiate or discuss it with him, she just antagonizes him. Her goal seems to be to "put him in his place" (she loves to put people "in their place") or "take him down a peg" (another phrase she loves). And even if, even if, she felt his behavior was unacceptable, it is not up to HER to correct his character. (I will add, she has something negative to say about damn near every one of her grand kids or grand nieces/nephews. She is highly critical. It is hard for me, as my son is a very assertive kid and her criticism stings. But none, NONE, of his variety of teachers or coaches or friends' parents have ever characterized him in such a negative way. Most have nothing but positive things to say about him.) I really wish I would have said "why do you feel you need to challenge him?" I wish I would have stood up for him. But I didn't. She was set to leave and wouldn't be around him much anymore (I did try and keep him distanced from her as much as possible, with lots of activities or with alone time with SD, whom my kids love to hang out with.) I knew she was laying in wait for something to latch on to and pick a fight. So, I bit my tongue and walked away not saying anything.
Several other times, my son came up crying. Once, he claimed that they wouldn't let him play (she wouldn't. When he tried to join in, she grabbed him and held him from playing.) Another time, she changed the rules on a football game (and is an avid football fan, so she knows the rules) so that he couldn't score or make plays (she was again holding on to him). I felt so badly for him. But....and maybe this is horrible....but I thought they were very mild examples showing him that grandma isn't this loving, wonderful woman he convinces himself she is (he gets very upset when I explain that grandma is a bully and can be mean and that's why we don't see her as much or go visit her. He claims he loves her and seems to forget the nasty things she does in favor of remembering the good.) Since my DH doesn't see NC as an option, I feel that letting him see bits and pieces of her nasty side and agreeing with him that it's not right and I'm sorry that she acts like that, helps him to protect himself. It helps him to see that, just because someone buys you off, it doesn't mean they "love" you or are "nice" to you. But maybe I'm wrong. I'm just trying to work with what I've got at the moment. Everyone I've talked to says that I can't "control" their relationship or his perceptions of her. That I can't "disparage" her. And he repeatedly gets angry with me when I've told him that I am keeping her at a distance for his own well-being because he only had the doting, "loving" grandma for so long.
I don't know, maybe I'm completely wrong. I struggle with what to do. In any event, my son distanced himself from her the rest of the weekend. She tried, the last day, to say "come see me! I haven't hardly seen you and spent any time with you!" But by this time, he was over her (and all she wanted was to cuddle him physically, which is not something he enjoys).
*As far as my younger son (who is 5 and a lot more cuddly), she took every opportunity to cuddle him (even running up to put him back in bed over and over. She knows I do not like this, but she did it anyway. And by the last time, I was sick of arguing with her. She made a big deal the next day about how she slept with him and how much that made him happy and go to sleep. BLECH.) She likes to put on this cartoon-ish personality around little kids. It's not a pleasant personality, but is cloying and ridiculous. She often likes to dance around, squeak and make little stupid noises that drive me crazy, but gets a little kids attention. She likes to see them think she is funny and pay attention to her "performances". It is obnoxious, at the least. However, my son does see through her a bit and tends to stick with SD. But she revels in any attention he gives her.
*She can't stand to be told what to do and acts like a child if I ask her to be on time for anything. We had to be to the kids' soccer games on time and she suddenly couldn't get herself together to get in the car (despite being told what time we were leaving). When we got there, she spends time dawdling, putting on her coat and then sllllloooowwwwly walking to the game while holding youngest's hand (I wanted to smack her).
*She basically kept her distance from me. We both seemed to be practicing "medium chill" or "grey rock". She only asked me ONE question about myself and that was right before she left. She works in human resources, so she puts on her "human resources" persona around me. When I tried to tell her bits about the vacation that she demanded to know I was on (and demanded pictures), she gave only vague, blah responses. I could see her simmering, but she remained cool and aloof. She left without saying "I love your" or any of the other responses she usually says, which is fine with me.
*My husband got a new job. She asked him tons of questions about it and it was clear she wanted him to like his new job. Not for his sake, but because she thinks it's prestigious and will make him more money. When I told her, back in May, that I was struggling and things were hard for me (as my husband was traveling a ton more and it was upsetting to the kids) she said "I'm sure, but I'm really excited for DH." I guess her excitement trumps my struggles. Not once, all summer, nor on this visit, did she ask how me or the kids are handling this.
*While she was here, she asked to post on photo on FB. I said fine (she kept trying to shove all of the photos she took in my face, but I responded distantly). She posted not one, but THREE. She asked if she could post photos from soccer. I said no. I also said it's against league policy, as there are other kids there. She said "OK" and then sent me the same photos....twice. When I didn't respond, she made up a cloying post about "missing" the kids and posted the photos (although she did crop out the other kids, so she was "technically" following my direction.).
For my part, I felt that I handled her reasonably well. She did not rile me up. She did not get to me. Sure she hurt me at times, but it didn't cut me that deeply and I was able to recover. Anytime she tried to direct things to herself, I ignored her. I spent a lot of time talking to SD (who was very nice). I maintained grey rock.
But it still wore me completely out. I've had an emotional hangover for two days now. I am ruminating about the situation with my older son, wishing I'd said something, but not wanting to give her fuel to start an argument. I feel very alone and without support, as my husband doesn't seem to get how difficult this is for me. (He is very contradictory about how I should deal with difficult situations and I find that frustrating). I am very sad and have been grieving a lot. I'm feeling a bit depressed. But I'm trying to find my way through it. I don't know if any of this is progress or not. I guess we'll see.
Showing posts with label emotional manipulation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotional manipulation. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 20, 2016
Sunday, January 17, 2016
The Good Girl
Hi all. It's been awhile since I've written here. I've been working on healing in a few different ways, and so the blog has been neglected. It's been hard to come up with full posts and and ways to put things so they make sense and so posts have been hard. Most of what I've been working on is small details put that are forming into "big picture" ideas.
The holidays, while not horrible, were exhausting for me. All in all, my FOO had a really nice time. We were busier than usual. I was happier than usual. I was able to fully be in the moment. But with any holiday, the Ns come buzzing around like flies. They have expectations, demands, and bone to pick.
At present, I am LC (and pushing for more) with my NM, LC with my in-laws, and NC with my NSIS. The NC has been difficult for me, as I've come to realize I really do not want a relationship with my sister. The few bits I've heard from her and about her, tell me she hasn't changed at all. My MIL was very gravely ill this summer and it has led to a whole lot of changes between DH and I. She allowed a lot of her true nature to shine through, and I believe he's seen things he can't unsee. I've been pushing NM back further and further and it's been very interesting to watch her reaction. She hounded me a ton over Christmas. Lots of texts, lots of pressure to visit soon. Because I didn't do what she wanted, she suddenly became cold, distant, and icy. She started DARVO-ing, implying she was going to stop giving me "more chances" because I'd been "disrespectful". I spent a lot of time thinking about how she views things and how she can possible believe something like that.
I have finally reached the conclusion that my mother absolutely can not handle any negative emotions from me or my sister. No sadness, no angry, no disappointment. If my sister feels that way, she does something to "fix" her (temperarily bandage the problem). If I feel that way, she completely dismisses me, ignores me, pretends she doesn't hear me or doesn't see the issue, or attacks me for being angry with her.
Growing up, my mother was quite distant. I remember her spending a lot of time on chores. She worked full time, but when she wasn't, she cooked, cleaned, or really did anything else. She didn't play with me, help me with homework, ask me about school or friends, help me run lines for my school plays. She just never felt very interested in me at all. We didn't have a lot of money (something my mother must have said a lot, as that was always the feeling I got. My mother has a big issue with being poor). But I was clothed and fed. I had nice toys and had good (although not lavish, which is fine) Christmas'. We were well "taken care of". But I don't remember being really maternal at all. She "ticked all the boxes" of what a mother should do (credit for that saying to my friend Kara).
I do remember her being very withdrawn and cold and depressed. I remember always trying so hard to not upset her further. I remember trying so hard to appease my sister (who was, unlike me, not afraid to act up or express her needs and wants. She was vocal, volatile, and intense). I know my mother asked me often to appease my sister. Just give in so that my sister would behave. I was the ultimate "good girl". I realize I wasn't perfect, but I was always trying very, very hard to not make waves. I was good in school (in fact, if I ever got in trouble, which I think maybe happened twice, I was devastated). It's not that this necessarily came naturally. I tried very, very hard to BE a good girl. I did whatever it took be the good girl. I helped out, I was friendly and kind. I did all my homework and chores. Even into my teens, I was a relatively good kid. Despite a herendous divorce and my family life falling down around me, I still worked, got almost all As, participated in college level courses and extra-curricular activities, and took on a lot of the responsibility for my sister. I had always taken on extra responsibilities involving my sister. From the time I was very young. I was the perfect mother's helper. (You can imagine my hurt and surprise when my mother tells me now about how she'll tell anyone who listens how "hard raising teenage girls are." She'll go on and on about "girls' - she knows enough not to call me out directly.)
When my parents divorced, my mother pretty much abandoned me for my teen years. The little involvement she did have went down to almost nothing. Despite being exceptionally depressed and upset about the divorce, my mother acted as if I should be "fine". Any extra support went to my sister, who had seemed to explode into a pillar of problems, issues, and chaos. It's not that NM had so many problems with my sister that she couldn't also attend to me. It was that she never, ever considered how I was feeling or what I was going through. If I expressed any dissent, hurt, or God forbid, the slightest degree of anger, she would shut me down immediately. My unhappiness was impeding and dampening HER happiness, so I was not allowed to be unhappy. I distinctly remember her telling me "It is my turn to be happy." I can look back now and see how she felt she'd sacrificed for her family (she had an NM and an alcoholic father and had taken on a lot of family responsibilities herself) and than been so unhappy with my father. But at the time, I was stunned that I wasn't allowed to have ANY feelings because it conflicted with what she wanted to do. I wasn't allowed to talk about it. When I spent three weeks locked in my room, only coming out for school, she ignored me. She never asked how I felt, never talked to me about the divorce. And in fact, she then pushed her "new" family at me and demanded that I fall into line and embrace these strangers (my step father, in particular, who she'd been having an affair with.) The divorce was acrimonious, there was significant traumas, my sister was out of control, I was left alone a LOT to care for my sister on the weekend, yet my mother never once bothered to stop and consider how I feel.
In my mid-20s, she apparently grew bored with her new family and decided to swoop back in and take back the reigns as "THE mom" in charge of me. It was at this point, she became very enmeshing and co-dependent. She had been quite enmeshing when I was a child (not considering what I liked, who I was, or what I wanted) but as an adult, it took on a whole new level. She wanted to operate my life like she was at the control panel. She expected to push buttons and I would do whatever she wanted. And in a lot of ways, I did just that. As I said, since a young girl, I had always wanted to just make my mother happy. I wanted to fix that unhappiness she seemed to have (which now came because my sister, 10 years later, as still extremely out of control and we never knew if any day she would find some way to kill herself. And my the "shine" of the new family had worn off). So, I tried to make her happy. Tried to do what she wanted and be the "good girl" again. The wounds of the divorce hadn't healed (I had felt so utterly abandoned) but my mom was "back" and I so wanted to make it work.
But, of course, it didn't. Any attempts to have a real relationship, express any individuality, act like an adult were insults to her. She took great personal offense to me not accepting her "help" (money forced on me so she could strong arm me into doing what she wanted. She now had a rich husband, so money became her favorite tool. It worked on my sister but not me.). If I didn't take what she offered, I was ungrateful. If I did take it, I took advantage of her. If I did take it and didn't do what she wanted, I was spoiled. I just couldn't win.
And during this time, she tended to take out her own anger about how her life had turned out and project it onto me. She had constant criticisms and was just down right nasty at times. Little insults, little digs. Constantly telling me that I didn't measure up to her expectations. For a little girl who only wanted to please her mom, who had been terrified of losing her family during the divorce, I often acted desperately to please her. I was in my 20s, but I still felt very much like a lost little girl.
I finally started to gather some courage and stand up to her in my late 20s. Many events had become so difficult with her and I was frustrated and saddened that I couldn't figure out how to "get along" with her. I decided to try talking things out with her. This did NOT go over well. Expressing any sort of feelings to her got regulated to "you're just still upset about the divorce". Being a bit naive at the time and unsophisticated in dealing with Ns, I didn't have a response for this. I didn't realize how she was shifting the point to take the pressure off of her. I WAS still upset about the divorce. I'd never had a chance to heal, my mother had never acknowledged that I even had a right to be upset about the divorce, and because she kept telling me that, my being upset was an affront to her happiness, I had stuffed all of my upset down. I had wanted her to be happy, so I refused to acknowledge how upset and angry I was.
But that had NOTHING to do what was going on now. My upset with my mother had to do with her controlling, belittling, demanding, and insensitive behavior. It had to do with her insults and continued abuse of me. It had to do with her emotionally raking me over the coals. It had to do with her expectation that I was just as "responsible" for my sister and her out of control behavior as my own mother. Her expectation that I was to fix it. It had to do with my mother using me as her own personal psycho-therapist and dumping all of her problems on me. Yes, the divorce wound was there, but it had nothing to do with what I was trying to resolve with my mother.
These interactions left me baffled and hurt. I again felt so minimized. I felt that I couldn't quite get to whatever it was I need to get to in my mother to make any difference in our relationship. My feelings, my emotions, my anger with her, my hurt towards he was so offensive to her that she wouldn't allow me to express it at all. If I did, she would become very wounded, hurt, angry, or upset. And watching her feel like that was the ultimate discomfort for me. I didn't want to hurt my mother.
The pressure kept building though. I remember one night in which she'd been drinking and had become particularly nasty in her criticism and snark. We were driving home and she was yelling at me about how I was "just still upset about the divorce. You're just still upset I married your step father." I can remember fighting that feeling so badly to tell her how I felt. I knew it would NOT end well if I did. I remember her pushing and pushing me to tell her how I felt. Not because she actually wanted to hear it, but because she was testing to me to see if I'd hold back. She wanted me to deny every feeling I had and tell her that I wasn't angry with her, I wasn't upset with her, she was a GREAT mom and I loved her. But I didn't. I finally decided to give her what she'd been pushing me to do and I let her have it. I wasn't mean towards her (I was still respectful, not calling her names or accusing her of anything) but I unleashed how I really felt. And she went beserk. We were in a Home Depot parking lot, me curled in a ball in the back seat, her screaming and clawing at the door to get out. It was locked (automatically locks if the car travels over 15 mph) and she was like a caged animal trying to get out. She was screaming at my husband to take her home. He gently told her he thought we needed to just talk and figure things out. I was sobbing. She screamed so badly and freaked out so much that we took her to her hotel. She got out with out a word. The next day, she stopped by my house to say good bye and return a hair dryer. She said not one word about it, didn't ask to resolve anything, but gave me a hug and figured that solved it all.
From that moment on, things were never quite the same. As my kids came along, she demanded more and more to be put front and center. And if I didn't, she became angry and hostile. She played the victim. She accused me of being unkind, keeping her from her grand kids, being selfish, and spoiled. She accused me of favoring my in-laws (HAHA! And she knows how much I struggle with them.) She continues to dismiss me at every chance she gets. In the last 4 years of LC, in which I went from talking to her for 2-3 hours every other day (well, listening to her, not really talking) to only talking briefly on holidays and birthdays. I don't tell her anything about my life, and she doesn't ask. I don't make an effort to see her.
In all this time, she's never once asked me how I'm feeling or if I'm OK. She's never asked to make things better. She's continued to pretend everything is fine. She's never asked me if somethings wrong. When I went NC with my sister, she never asked to hear my feelings on it. She's preached to me about my sister, badgered me to get back into contact, and continued to share any and all details of how "great" my sister is doing (this is a lie). But she's never asked what I need, how I'm doing, or if there is something SHE can help ME with. She has never once, to my recollection really wanted to know what my feelings are.
The only time she cares is if it's a dramatic situation and she can suck up the NS from it or somehow position herself so she's pitying me. It's only ever been to gain an advantage (like when my grandmother died almost a year ago, she suddenly became very "concerned" about me. Interesting, because when her own mother died, she had no ability to see I might be grieving at all. )
As I've said no more and more to her, I can see that "good girl" image pop up in my head over and over. This is the one tool she uses on me the most. My willingness to be conscious, my desire to be the good daughter who makes her mother happy, my wish for a happier family. She knows damn well that is my soft spot and uses it to her full advantage. It really is difficult, because, often, I feel I'm compromising my own integrity by NOT doing what she wants. I'm happy to give people what they ask for a lot of the time. I'm happy to compromise and make people feel special and give a lot. But when I discovered that she was using this to her advantage, asking more than she should have, and expecting total compliance, I was dumbfounded.
I've also realized that this is what sets me up to fail a lot with my NMIL too. I want to be the "good DIL". I want to make the family happy and get along. I want to compromise and make it work.
Unfortunately, the goal of "good daughter/DIL" (and "good sister" ) is always changing in it's parameters. I can never be good enough or just "good". I have to do every little thing they tell me too. I have to compromise and give up EVERYTHING that I am. I have to relinquish any control over my life, my kids life and do whatever they want, whenever they want. And even then, they will not be happy.
I have realized often in the past (intellectually) that I need to give up their definition of "good" and just do what I believe a good daughter would do. And while I can understand that, the "doing" of that and fully taking that into my soul, is so much harder. There is still a part of me that just wants her to be happy. A part of me that just wants to figure it all out and get along. I beat myself up routinely (aided by a lot of flying monkeys) for not being able to work out why I can't just be satisfied with doing what I know to be right. In almost any area of my life, other than dealing with Ns, I'm very confident in knowing I've done the right thing. Many people tell me I'm full of integrity and a kind and thoughtful person. I just can't see what the next step is to getting rid of the discomfort of not living up to my mother's (and MIL's) expectations of me. I'm not sure how to handle the criticism, nastiness, passive-aggressiveness, and shaming that comes from them when I don't live up to who they want me to be. I don't know how to get self-esteem in that area. I'm not sure how to deflect the gaslighting when they claim it's all me and I'm just a sorry excuse for a human being. I can know it in my head, but how do I incorporate it into my being.
The holidays, while not horrible, were exhausting for me. All in all, my FOO had a really nice time. We were busier than usual. I was happier than usual. I was able to fully be in the moment. But with any holiday, the Ns come buzzing around like flies. They have expectations, demands, and bone to pick.
At present, I am LC (and pushing for more) with my NM, LC with my in-laws, and NC with my NSIS. The NC has been difficult for me, as I've come to realize I really do not want a relationship with my sister. The few bits I've heard from her and about her, tell me she hasn't changed at all. My MIL was very gravely ill this summer and it has led to a whole lot of changes between DH and I. She allowed a lot of her true nature to shine through, and I believe he's seen things he can't unsee. I've been pushing NM back further and further and it's been very interesting to watch her reaction. She hounded me a ton over Christmas. Lots of texts, lots of pressure to visit soon. Because I didn't do what she wanted, she suddenly became cold, distant, and icy. She started DARVO-ing, implying she was going to stop giving me "more chances" because I'd been "disrespectful". I spent a lot of time thinking about how she views things and how she can possible believe something like that.
I have finally reached the conclusion that my mother absolutely can not handle any negative emotions from me or my sister. No sadness, no angry, no disappointment. If my sister feels that way, she does something to "fix" her (temperarily bandage the problem). If I feel that way, she completely dismisses me, ignores me, pretends she doesn't hear me or doesn't see the issue, or attacks me for being angry with her.
Growing up, my mother was quite distant. I remember her spending a lot of time on chores. She worked full time, but when she wasn't, she cooked, cleaned, or really did anything else. She didn't play with me, help me with homework, ask me about school or friends, help me run lines for my school plays. She just never felt very interested in me at all. We didn't have a lot of money (something my mother must have said a lot, as that was always the feeling I got. My mother has a big issue with being poor). But I was clothed and fed. I had nice toys and had good (although not lavish, which is fine) Christmas'. We were well "taken care of". But I don't remember being really maternal at all. She "ticked all the boxes" of what a mother should do (credit for that saying to my friend Kara).
I do remember her being very withdrawn and cold and depressed. I remember always trying so hard to not upset her further. I remember trying so hard to appease my sister (who was, unlike me, not afraid to act up or express her needs and wants. She was vocal, volatile, and intense). I know my mother asked me often to appease my sister. Just give in so that my sister would behave. I was the ultimate "good girl". I realize I wasn't perfect, but I was always trying very, very hard to not make waves. I was good in school (in fact, if I ever got in trouble, which I think maybe happened twice, I was devastated). It's not that this necessarily came naturally. I tried very, very hard to BE a good girl. I did whatever it took be the good girl. I helped out, I was friendly and kind. I did all my homework and chores. Even into my teens, I was a relatively good kid. Despite a herendous divorce and my family life falling down around me, I still worked, got almost all As, participated in college level courses and extra-curricular activities, and took on a lot of the responsibility for my sister. I had always taken on extra responsibilities involving my sister. From the time I was very young. I was the perfect mother's helper. (You can imagine my hurt and surprise when my mother tells me now about how she'll tell anyone who listens how "hard raising teenage girls are." She'll go on and on about "girls' - she knows enough not to call me out directly.)
When my parents divorced, my mother pretty much abandoned me for my teen years. The little involvement she did have went down to almost nothing. Despite being exceptionally depressed and upset about the divorce, my mother acted as if I should be "fine". Any extra support went to my sister, who had seemed to explode into a pillar of problems, issues, and chaos. It's not that NM had so many problems with my sister that she couldn't also attend to me. It was that she never, ever considered how I was feeling or what I was going through. If I expressed any dissent, hurt, or God forbid, the slightest degree of anger, she would shut me down immediately. My unhappiness was impeding and dampening HER happiness, so I was not allowed to be unhappy. I distinctly remember her telling me "It is my turn to be happy." I can look back now and see how she felt she'd sacrificed for her family (she had an NM and an alcoholic father and had taken on a lot of family responsibilities herself) and than been so unhappy with my father. But at the time, I was stunned that I wasn't allowed to have ANY feelings because it conflicted with what she wanted to do. I wasn't allowed to talk about it. When I spent three weeks locked in my room, only coming out for school, she ignored me. She never asked how I felt, never talked to me about the divorce. And in fact, she then pushed her "new" family at me and demanded that I fall into line and embrace these strangers (my step father, in particular, who she'd been having an affair with.) The divorce was acrimonious, there was significant traumas, my sister was out of control, I was left alone a LOT to care for my sister on the weekend, yet my mother never once bothered to stop and consider how I feel.
In my mid-20s, she apparently grew bored with her new family and decided to swoop back in and take back the reigns as "THE mom" in charge of me. It was at this point, she became very enmeshing and co-dependent. She had been quite enmeshing when I was a child (not considering what I liked, who I was, or what I wanted) but as an adult, it took on a whole new level. She wanted to operate my life like she was at the control panel. She expected to push buttons and I would do whatever she wanted. And in a lot of ways, I did just that. As I said, since a young girl, I had always wanted to just make my mother happy. I wanted to fix that unhappiness she seemed to have (which now came because my sister, 10 years later, as still extremely out of control and we never knew if any day she would find some way to kill herself. And my the "shine" of the new family had worn off). So, I tried to make her happy. Tried to do what she wanted and be the "good girl" again. The wounds of the divorce hadn't healed (I had felt so utterly abandoned) but my mom was "back" and I so wanted to make it work.
But, of course, it didn't. Any attempts to have a real relationship, express any individuality, act like an adult were insults to her. She took great personal offense to me not accepting her "help" (money forced on me so she could strong arm me into doing what she wanted. She now had a rich husband, so money became her favorite tool. It worked on my sister but not me.). If I didn't take what she offered, I was ungrateful. If I did take it, I took advantage of her. If I did take it and didn't do what she wanted, I was spoiled. I just couldn't win.
And during this time, she tended to take out her own anger about how her life had turned out and project it onto me. She had constant criticisms and was just down right nasty at times. Little insults, little digs. Constantly telling me that I didn't measure up to her expectations. For a little girl who only wanted to please her mom, who had been terrified of losing her family during the divorce, I often acted desperately to please her. I was in my 20s, but I still felt very much like a lost little girl.
I finally started to gather some courage and stand up to her in my late 20s. Many events had become so difficult with her and I was frustrated and saddened that I couldn't figure out how to "get along" with her. I decided to try talking things out with her. This did NOT go over well. Expressing any sort of feelings to her got regulated to "you're just still upset about the divorce". Being a bit naive at the time and unsophisticated in dealing with Ns, I didn't have a response for this. I didn't realize how she was shifting the point to take the pressure off of her. I WAS still upset about the divorce. I'd never had a chance to heal, my mother had never acknowledged that I even had a right to be upset about the divorce, and because she kept telling me that, my being upset was an affront to her happiness, I had stuffed all of my upset down. I had wanted her to be happy, so I refused to acknowledge how upset and angry I was.
But that had NOTHING to do what was going on now. My upset with my mother had to do with her controlling, belittling, demanding, and insensitive behavior. It had to do with her insults and continued abuse of me. It had to do with her emotionally raking me over the coals. It had to do with her expectation that I was just as "responsible" for my sister and her out of control behavior as my own mother. Her expectation that I was to fix it. It had to do with my mother using me as her own personal psycho-therapist and dumping all of her problems on me. Yes, the divorce wound was there, but it had nothing to do with what I was trying to resolve with my mother.
These interactions left me baffled and hurt. I again felt so minimized. I felt that I couldn't quite get to whatever it was I need to get to in my mother to make any difference in our relationship. My feelings, my emotions, my anger with her, my hurt towards he was so offensive to her that she wouldn't allow me to express it at all. If I did, she would become very wounded, hurt, angry, or upset. And watching her feel like that was the ultimate discomfort for me. I didn't want to hurt my mother.
The pressure kept building though. I remember one night in which she'd been drinking and had become particularly nasty in her criticism and snark. We were driving home and she was yelling at me about how I was "just still upset about the divorce. You're just still upset I married your step father." I can remember fighting that feeling so badly to tell her how I felt. I knew it would NOT end well if I did. I remember her pushing and pushing me to tell her how I felt. Not because she actually wanted to hear it, but because she was testing to me to see if I'd hold back. She wanted me to deny every feeling I had and tell her that I wasn't angry with her, I wasn't upset with her, she was a GREAT mom and I loved her. But I didn't. I finally decided to give her what she'd been pushing me to do and I let her have it. I wasn't mean towards her (I was still respectful, not calling her names or accusing her of anything) but I unleashed how I really felt. And she went beserk. We were in a Home Depot parking lot, me curled in a ball in the back seat, her screaming and clawing at the door to get out. It was locked (automatically locks if the car travels over 15 mph) and she was like a caged animal trying to get out. She was screaming at my husband to take her home. He gently told her he thought we needed to just talk and figure things out. I was sobbing. She screamed so badly and freaked out so much that we took her to her hotel. She got out with out a word. The next day, she stopped by my house to say good bye and return a hair dryer. She said not one word about it, didn't ask to resolve anything, but gave me a hug and figured that solved it all.
From that moment on, things were never quite the same. As my kids came along, she demanded more and more to be put front and center. And if I didn't, she became angry and hostile. She played the victim. She accused me of being unkind, keeping her from her grand kids, being selfish, and spoiled. She accused me of favoring my in-laws (HAHA! And she knows how much I struggle with them.) She continues to dismiss me at every chance she gets. In the last 4 years of LC, in which I went from talking to her for 2-3 hours every other day (well, listening to her, not really talking) to only talking briefly on holidays and birthdays. I don't tell her anything about my life, and she doesn't ask. I don't make an effort to see her.
In all this time, she's never once asked me how I'm feeling or if I'm OK. She's never asked to make things better. She's continued to pretend everything is fine. She's never asked me if somethings wrong. When I went NC with my sister, she never asked to hear my feelings on it. She's preached to me about my sister, badgered me to get back into contact, and continued to share any and all details of how "great" my sister is doing (this is a lie). But she's never asked what I need, how I'm doing, or if there is something SHE can help ME with. She has never once, to my recollection really wanted to know what my feelings are.
The only time she cares is if it's a dramatic situation and she can suck up the NS from it or somehow position herself so she's pitying me. It's only ever been to gain an advantage (like when my grandmother died almost a year ago, she suddenly became very "concerned" about me. Interesting, because when her own mother died, she had no ability to see I might be grieving at all. )
As I've said no more and more to her, I can see that "good girl" image pop up in my head over and over. This is the one tool she uses on me the most. My willingness to be conscious, my desire to be the good daughter who makes her mother happy, my wish for a happier family. She knows damn well that is my soft spot and uses it to her full advantage. It really is difficult, because, often, I feel I'm compromising my own integrity by NOT doing what she wants. I'm happy to give people what they ask for a lot of the time. I'm happy to compromise and make people feel special and give a lot. But when I discovered that she was using this to her advantage, asking more than she should have, and expecting total compliance, I was dumbfounded.
I've also realized that this is what sets me up to fail a lot with my NMIL too. I want to be the "good DIL". I want to make the family happy and get along. I want to compromise and make it work.
Unfortunately, the goal of "good daughter/DIL" (and "good sister" ) is always changing in it's parameters. I can never be good enough or just "good". I have to do every little thing they tell me too. I have to compromise and give up EVERYTHING that I am. I have to relinquish any control over my life, my kids life and do whatever they want, whenever they want. And even then, they will not be happy.
I have realized often in the past (intellectually) that I need to give up their definition of "good" and just do what I believe a good daughter would do. And while I can understand that, the "doing" of that and fully taking that into my soul, is so much harder. There is still a part of me that just wants her to be happy. A part of me that just wants to figure it all out and get along. I beat myself up routinely (aided by a lot of flying monkeys) for not being able to work out why I can't just be satisfied with doing what I know to be right. In almost any area of my life, other than dealing with Ns, I'm very confident in knowing I've done the right thing. Many people tell me I'm full of integrity and a kind and thoughtful person. I just can't see what the next step is to getting rid of the discomfort of not living up to my mother's (and MIL's) expectations of me. I'm not sure how to handle the criticism, nastiness, passive-aggressiveness, and shaming that comes from them when I don't live up to who they want me to be. I don't know how to get self-esteem in that area. I'm not sure how to deflect the gaslighting when they claim it's all me and I'm just a sorry excuse for a human being. I can know it in my head, but how do I incorporate it into my being.
Friday, November 7, 2014
A Conversation with a Narcissist (or 2)
My grandmother is terminally ill. My aunt and uncle have arranged for a family holiday at their home so we can all get together (I assume, one last time, before she passes). My father called to invite me. I assumed he would also invite my sister. She generally doesn't attend family get togethers, but she always makes a big dramatic scene about how she can't afford it (probably true) and that she'd have to take unpaid leave from work (she has a job where you don't get time off with pay). We all know she isn't going to go, but she makes a big deal about wanting to go.
I hadn't decided if I was going yet, as it is a VERY long drive and would be a VERY difficult trip for my family. However, my father's family always got together for this holiday when I was a child, I would, like to see them, and I had a chance to say goodbye to my grandmother (although I've made peace with the fact that I probably wouldn't). My father called me last Friday and was considerate about not pressuring me to go. He just wanted to let me know.
Yesterday, I received a text from NM (please remember this woman has NOTHING to do with my father's family, except on FB and that this is NONE of her business). I will paraphrase some of the dialogue for anonymity's sake, but will try to be as close as possible:
From NM: Just a quick question. Are you going to (town) for (holiday)?
Since my visit to NM's a week or so ago, she has not let up on the texts and messages. I've received several a day, which is annoying at a minimum. I REALLY DISLIKE when she starts something with "just a quick question" and then gives me know background content as to why she is asking these questions. She clearly has an agenda, but apparently thinks she doesn't owes me any explanation and that I should just offer up information. This information is NONE of her business. And I can easily guess her agenda: my sister. The only way she can know about this get together from my sister. Last summer, for another family reunion, NM had also texted to try and get me to pick up NSIS (at a larger city) and drive her and her (scuzzy) boyfriend (in my already loaded car) to the reunion and let them stay with me. FAT fucking chance.
I didn't need a crystal ball to predict that is exactly what she wanted this time.
I replied: I don't know. Why?
I immediately got a response back that said something like "NSIS is trying to figure out if she can go. It'll cost $700 for each plane ticket (meaning boyfriend would go too) and she'd have to take unpaid time from work which would be expensive.)
This pissed me off. Remember folks, my sister and I have not spoken in TWO YEARS, aside from her occasional verbal assaults, abuse, and harassment that I let "this go", "get over it", or general name calling and verbal abuse that usually leaves me emotionally wrung out, anxious, and tense. These feelings (and her horribly toxic, awful lifestyle) and a last straw were the reasons I chose to take a break from our relationship. Despite several tense email sessions in which she basically accused me of being the source of all of the problems, we haven't really communicated. NM has tried guilting me into "forgiveness" and even last week acts like nothing is going on between me and my sister. The last communication I had from my sister was two weeks ago in the form of an abusive message in which she called me tons of names because of some comment on FB (which did not warrant the shaming and tongue lashing).
I REALLY can not get past my mother's delusions that I would be in any position to grant a favor to my sister and help her out. First, NSIS is a grown ass woman who's poor career choices have caused her to be perpetually "broke" (although she always has tons of money for clothes and alcohol). WHY in the world would I want to be in a car with this person whom I have NOT SPOKEN TO in two years? Who would that go? Just a hug and a cry and it's suddenly all better? And more than that, WHY is my mother feeling she needs to arrange all of this. She is so out of her boundaries, it's lunacy. Not to mention, she clearly thinks I'm so stupid that I didn't see her "set up" coming. That's just annoying.
I reply (because I am acting more "boldly". The therapist's word.): What does that have to do with me?
She replies: Nothing really.
I reply: Then why did you ask me if I was going and why did you tell me about NSIS?
This halts her in her tracks and is not what she expected from me. I don't get a response for over an hour and a half. Then this comes in:
She replies: Just being snoopy. And I don't know why I volunteered the information about NSIS. Just making conversation that in hindsight didn't need to be said.
BULLSHIT. Notice that NM's tone switches her to her (she works in a field where you have to use politically correct terminology and be careful about how you speak. To me, I can clearly hear her tone switch to "work NM" and switch on damage control. She's become cold, calculated, and disconnected from me.) Notice too that she NEVER really seems to care about me, my feelings, or what I want. I admit, it bothers me immensely that my perspective doesn't even register in her brain. She just plain does not care, which is hurtful (although expected. I'm not surprised by this at all.)
Then, NSIS texts about 15 minutes later. I'm guessing NM told her that she'd need to put on her big girl panties and make arrangements with me herself (and again, the LUNACY of these two women that this is even an option blows my mind. I feel very pressed upon, very ignored, and very annoyed. And very confused. How do they compute this in their brain? How do they make this work? I would NEVER think of calling my sister for anything right now.
NSIS texts: Are you going to (town) for (holiday)? Just talked to Dad today.
WTF? Why would she think she is in a position to ask me that information? And what does it have to do with her? (I know, she wants something from me, but does she not see that I see that?) The audacity to think I would even respond to this blows my mind. It's like nothing has happened, like they expect I'll finally just quit throwing a "hissy fit" and "move on".
I chose to ignore this text. It is none of her damn business anyway. Several hours later, I get this text:
From NSIS: Jessie, this has gone on to (sic.) long. I miss you and I am so sorry for hurting you. I need you most right now.
Allow me to interpret this for you: Jessie, I've grown impatient with your bullshit. I'm stamping my foot and DEMANDING that you get over your shit. Because I think I have to, I'll offer you a token apology, some platitude about hurting you and then I can claim I've been the "bigger person" and apologized. And now, to my REAL point, I need something from you, I need you to go back to being my cheerleader and support, I need you to give me what I want from you. It's all about ME.
For the record, this "this is enough" shit really, really, really annoys me. Like she has any right to tell me what I need to do (and seriously, this is the most emotionally unstable person I know. That she thinks she has some sort of moral authority to determine when I should be "done" feeling the way I do irritates me.) After two years, a simple "I'm sorry I hurt you" is supposed to cover it? And really, this isn't about hurting me. I'm not holding onto some grudge (which is NM's and NSIS's projection because that's what THEY do.) I've moved away from a destructive, toxic relationship when I finally couldn't take it any more (that last straw, DID hurt me. But, it was preceded by so much other shit and surrounded by so much other shit that it just enlightened me to the whole of the craziness).
And mostly in that text I hear: me, me, me, me, me. I need something from you, I have unmet needs from you, I have something I want from you. And the thing is, she ALWAYS wants something from me. This whole business of "I need you most right now." is such a ploy. She ALWAYS has a reason she needs me, some chaos, some drama, some bullshit. And notice, she doesn't actually say WHY. If it's that big of a deal, why hasn't anyone told me? They can solicit rides but not tell me about life changing events. (and if it really is that life changing and they actually DIDN'T tell me, well, doesn't that speak volumes?) And do I really care? No. I no longer want to play nursemaid to my sister who refuses to actually DO something about things. And just curious if it enters her brain at all that I could use some support, a sisterly talk, someone to lean on. NOPE. I'm expected to not have any needs.
I am choosing to ignore this for now. I talked it out with DH, as I would really like to reply to her somehow (but seriously, am I supposed to do this in a text? What kind of response was she really expecting. "Um, OK. I'm all good now. What can I do for you NSIS?") The things I'd like to say are:
This is about much more than me holding a grudge.
I haven't seen any reason to believe our relationship going forward will be any different than what it was in the past and that is unacceptable to me.
There is little room in any of these conversations for my needs, my feelings, and my concerns. And if no one else will take that into consideration, than I'll have to do that for myself.
I have needed time to sort through this and it will not be resolved in the next three weeks (by the time she needs the ride).
Beyond that, I would love to say how asinine it is to think that this all could just go away with a simple "I'm sorry." Their level of delusion and crazy is actually quite startling to me. I don't see how they see this going other than reconstructing reality and deciding to just play pretend and travel back in time.
Unfortunately, I can not think of any email (no matter how carefully worded) would yield any positive results. Almost any email I send will be reacted to defensively and I will be attacked for it (the last attempt I tried ended exactly in this way). I have seen NO evidence that anything has changed with her and I can not reasonably believe the outcome will be any different from the last time. This is still a woman (child) that believes it is perfectly appropriate to reduce me to emotional putty, slay be with verbal shrapnel, and then go back to normal like nothing happened and ask me for a favor. I can't see sending an email as any more than an opprotunity for her to gain ammunition and attack me in return (I feel her anger at me is boiling just below the surface. She can pull out her "vulnerability" and plead to my conscious and my concern for her.....this used to be much more effective with me, as I always had such compassion for her that I'd do anything to help her. But I know that Jekyll/Hyde mask is just below the surface. And despite her wanting to "let it all go" I know her anger and resentment is tucked away for the right time to unleash it.
Any thoughts, friends? Any advice on how to handle this? I'm guessing it's far from over and that ignoring her will only infuriate her more. But I just don't see what response would actually yield something positive for me? Why anger the beast?
Any and all thoughts are welcome.
I hadn't decided if I was going yet, as it is a VERY long drive and would be a VERY difficult trip for my family. However, my father's family always got together for this holiday when I was a child, I would, like to see them, and I had a chance to say goodbye to my grandmother (although I've made peace with the fact that I probably wouldn't). My father called me last Friday and was considerate about not pressuring me to go. He just wanted to let me know.
Yesterday, I received a text from NM (please remember this woman has NOTHING to do with my father's family, except on FB and that this is NONE of her business). I will paraphrase some of the dialogue for anonymity's sake, but will try to be as close as possible:
From NM: Just a quick question. Are you going to (town) for (holiday)?
Since my visit to NM's a week or so ago, she has not let up on the texts and messages. I've received several a day, which is annoying at a minimum. I REALLY DISLIKE when she starts something with "just a quick question" and then gives me know background content as to why she is asking these questions. She clearly has an agenda, but apparently thinks she doesn't owes me any explanation and that I should just offer up information. This information is NONE of her business. And I can easily guess her agenda: my sister. The only way she can know about this get together from my sister. Last summer, for another family reunion, NM had also texted to try and get me to pick up NSIS (at a larger city) and drive her and her (scuzzy) boyfriend (in my already loaded car) to the reunion and let them stay with me. FAT fucking chance.
I didn't need a crystal ball to predict that is exactly what she wanted this time.
I replied: I don't know. Why?
I immediately got a response back that said something like "NSIS is trying to figure out if she can go. It'll cost $700 for each plane ticket (meaning boyfriend would go too) and she'd have to take unpaid time from work which would be expensive.)
This pissed me off. Remember folks, my sister and I have not spoken in TWO YEARS, aside from her occasional verbal assaults, abuse, and harassment that I let "this go", "get over it", or general name calling and verbal abuse that usually leaves me emotionally wrung out, anxious, and tense. These feelings (and her horribly toxic, awful lifestyle) and a last straw were the reasons I chose to take a break from our relationship. Despite several tense email sessions in which she basically accused me of being the source of all of the problems, we haven't really communicated. NM has tried guilting me into "forgiveness" and even last week acts like nothing is going on between me and my sister. The last communication I had from my sister was two weeks ago in the form of an abusive message in which she called me tons of names because of some comment on FB (which did not warrant the shaming and tongue lashing).
I REALLY can not get past my mother's delusions that I would be in any position to grant a favor to my sister and help her out. First, NSIS is a grown ass woman who's poor career choices have caused her to be perpetually "broke" (although she always has tons of money for clothes and alcohol). WHY in the world would I want to be in a car with this person whom I have NOT SPOKEN TO in two years? Who would that go? Just a hug and a cry and it's suddenly all better? And more than that, WHY is my mother feeling she needs to arrange all of this. She is so out of her boundaries, it's lunacy. Not to mention, she clearly thinks I'm so stupid that I didn't see her "set up" coming. That's just annoying.
I reply (because I am acting more "boldly". The therapist's word.): What does that have to do with me?
She replies: Nothing really.
I reply: Then why did you ask me if I was going and why did you tell me about NSIS?
This halts her in her tracks and is not what she expected from me. I don't get a response for over an hour and a half. Then this comes in:
She replies: Just being snoopy. And I don't know why I volunteered the information about NSIS. Just making conversation that in hindsight didn't need to be said.
BULLSHIT. Notice that NM's tone switches her to her (she works in a field where you have to use politically correct terminology and be careful about how you speak. To me, I can clearly hear her tone switch to "work NM" and switch on damage control. She's become cold, calculated, and disconnected from me.) Notice too that she NEVER really seems to care about me, my feelings, or what I want. I admit, it bothers me immensely that my perspective doesn't even register in her brain. She just plain does not care, which is hurtful (although expected. I'm not surprised by this at all.)
Then, NSIS texts about 15 minutes later. I'm guessing NM told her that she'd need to put on her big girl panties and make arrangements with me herself (and again, the LUNACY of these two women that this is even an option blows my mind. I feel very pressed upon, very ignored, and very annoyed. And very confused. How do they compute this in their brain? How do they make this work? I would NEVER think of calling my sister for anything right now.
NSIS texts: Are you going to (town) for (holiday)? Just talked to Dad today.
WTF? Why would she think she is in a position to ask me that information? And what does it have to do with her? (I know, she wants something from me, but does she not see that I see that?) The audacity to think I would even respond to this blows my mind. It's like nothing has happened, like they expect I'll finally just quit throwing a "hissy fit" and "move on".
I chose to ignore this text. It is none of her damn business anyway. Several hours later, I get this text:
From NSIS: Jessie, this has gone on to (sic.) long. I miss you and I am so sorry for hurting you. I need you most right now.
Allow me to interpret this for you: Jessie, I've grown impatient with your bullshit. I'm stamping my foot and DEMANDING that you get over your shit. Because I think I have to, I'll offer you a token apology, some platitude about hurting you and then I can claim I've been the "bigger person" and apologized. And now, to my REAL point, I need something from you, I need you to go back to being my cheerleader and support, I need you to give me what I want from you. It's all about ME.
For the record, this "this is enough" shit really, really, really annoys me. Like she has any right to tell me what I need to do (and seriously, this is the most emotionally unstable person I know. That she thinks she has some sort of moral authority to determine when I should be "done" feeling the way I do irritates me.) After two years, a simple "I'm sorry I hurt you" is supposed to cover it? And really, this isn't about hurting me. I'm not holding onto some grudge (which is NM's and NSIS's projection because that's what THEY do.) I've moved away from a destructive, toxic relationship when I finally couldn't take it any more (that last straw, DID hurt me. But, it was preceded by so much other shit and surrounded by so much other shit that it just enlightened me to the whole of the craziness).
And mostly in that text I hear: me, me, me, me, me. I need something from you, I have unmet needs from you, I have something I want from you. And the thing is, she ALWAYS wants something from me. This whole business of "I need you most right now." is such a ploy. She ALWAYS has a reason she needs me, some chaos, some drama, some bullshit. And notice, she doesn't actually say WHY. If it's that big of a deal, why hasn't anyone told me? They can solicit rides but not tell me about life changing events. (and if it really is that life changing and they actually DIDN'T tell me, well, doesn't that speak volumes?) And do I really care? No. I no longer want to play nursemaid to my sister who refuses to actually DO something about things. And just curious if it enters her brain at all that I could use some support, a sisterly talk, someone to lean on. NOPE. I'm expected to not have any needs.
I am choosing to ignore this for now. I talked it out with DH, as I would really like to reply to her somehow (but seriously, am I supposed to do this in a text? What kind of response was she really expecting. "Um, OK. I'm all good now. What can I do for you NSIS?") The things I'd like to say are:
This is about much more than me holding a grudge.
I haven't seen any reason to believe our relationship going forward will be any different than what it was in the past and that is unacceptable to me.
There is little room in any of these conversations for my needs, my feelings, and my concerns. And if no one else will take that into consideration, than I'll have to do that for myself.
I have needed time to sort through this and it will not be resolved in the next three weeks (by the time she needs the ride).
Beyond that, I would love to say how asinine it is to think that this all could just go away with a simple "I'm sorry." Their level of delusion and crazy is actually quite startling to me. I don't see how they see this going other than reconstructing reality and deciding to just play pretend and travel back in time.
Unfortunately, I can not think of any email (no matter how carefully worded) would yield any positive results. Almost any email I send will be reacted to defensively and I will be attacked for it (the last attempt I tried ended exactly in this way). I have seen NO evidence that anything has changed with her and I can not reasonably believe the outcome will be any different from the last time. This is still a woman (child) that believes it is perfectly appropriate to reduce me to emotional putty, slay be with verbal shrapnel, and then go back to normal like nothing happened and ask me for a favor. I can't see sending an email as any more than an opprotunity for her to gain ammunition and attack me in return (I feel her anger at me is boiling just below the surface. She can pull out her "vulnerability" and plead to my conscious and my concern for her.....this used to be much more effective with me, as I always had such compassion for her that I'd do anything to help her. But I know that Jekyll/Hyde mask is just below the surface. And despite her wanting to "let it all go" I know her anger and resentment is tucked away for the right time to unleash it.
Any thoughts, friends? Any advice on how to handle this? I'm guessing it's far from over and that ignoring her will only infuriate her more. But I just don't see what response would actually yield something positive for me? Why anger the beast?
Any and all thoughts are welcome.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Lost Heros
So, yesterday I explored some feelings on my blog around a situation that is going on in my home with my son and my mother's lack of support. I'm not sure that I really got to the core of the issue (for myself) and as I wrote, I sort of felt like I was grasping blindly in the dark for something but just couldn't reach it. I was sort of feeling around the issue, but not fully "seeing" it. Then something my friend Kara said sort of "brought all the pieces" together for me.
As an aside, I sometimes try to "mask" the details of my life in order to remain anonymous. So, like yesterday, I sort of talked around the issue. I feared if NM found this blog, she'd immediately recognize the details and know it was me. BUT, I think I've already sort of given myself away, so I thought I need to be more open about the situation so that I could explore it fully (without worrying about "covering" for myself).
The issue was that my littlest son (who's 2) lost his very favorite "lovey". It is a small, dark colored (hard to find) stuffed toy that he has had since he was three months old. It also belonged to his brother (who never fully attached to it, but attached to the blanket it came with as a set. Something that I felt a bit ironic.) He had other options, but he picked this toy to attach to. It is a very important "member" of our household. And it disappeared. It does not leave the house and I know it is in my home somewhere. I have driven myself CRAZY trying to locate it.
A child often picks a "transitional object" to attach to as the learn to separate from their mother. It is the first thing that "belongs" to them and helps to define them as separate (in theory). It is something to help them learn to sooth themselves away from their mother (and represents a part of her) and provides comfort for a child during stressful situations.
I have diligently looked after that thing for almost three years (and five years with his brother's loveys). I have hunted and searched and worried about that animal. When it went missing, I panicked and felt a whole surge of emotions. At first, I felt extremely upset. I worried my poor boy would not be able to sleep, that I wouldn't be able to comfort him. That he'd have to mourn. (As I'm struggling with some very similar issues right now, I think this part hit me a little hard.) I didn't want him to feel sadness (and also realized it is a part of life). I worried that I wouldn't be able to comfort him. (Those worries tended to be unfounded, but as an ACoN mom, I'm always worried about the "emotional line" I tow with my kids. I don't want to be under emotional, but I don't want to give emotions too much power that my kids are overwhelmed....really, it's hard to teach a skill to my kids that I'm working on myself. This is also a topic for another post that I would like to explore.) I felt a touch of sadness and nostalgia for the dang thing. Losing it felt like losing a piece of my son's "babyhood". I don't plan on having more kids (again, something I'm dealing with right now) so losing the toy was sort of a "tangible" symbol of moving past having a baby. I had some sentimental attachment to it too. I also felt extremely GUILTY. Guilty I had let it get lost, guilty for having a lot of my own feelings, guilty that I'd let my son down. I stressed and stressed about the appropriate way to handle this and how to help my boy.
Now, don't get me wrong, this is not about me. None of my feelings got in the way of helping my son. He didn't see (nor did I hint at) any of my own feelings and I made sure to focus on the best ways to help him. But, since this is my blog, and I need a place to talk about my feelings, which is why I'm talking about me, and not my son, today. And yes, through the whole thing I tried to make sure I was keeping the attention and focus where it belonged.
This would've also been the time that having my own mother to lean on would've helped (as I wrote about yesterday). I was comforted today by a blog (written by a therapist) about what she did when her child lost his lovey. Her feelings were very similar to mine and it helped me to feel comforted that I was having "normal" reactions instead of "ACoN mommy" overreactions. (This woman stated she had wanted to call and "bawl to her mommy" too. She didn't, but she had that option if she wanted to.) I also had my lovely friend, Kara, who held my hand too. That definitely helped.
It was something Kara said about my mom that really "clicked" about why my mom's involvement in the whole situation bothered me. I posted on FB that the lovey was lost. I had hoped that the positive messages from friends and family back would somehow help me find the toy (I know, sounds like voodoo mystic crap, but I was desperate). NM offered some messages of "help" but then ignored the whole thing for five days. Friday and Saturday, the crazy woman sent me several texts that were all "me, me, me, me". She didn't bother to ask about my son (or me, but who am I kidding) at all. I get that she doesn't see me, but it fucking sucks when I see her completely ignore the grandkids she "loves" so much. When they were babies, it was harder to see, but as they've gotten older, it's clear to see she only materializes when it benefits here.
And so, cue Sunday, when suddenly she asked about the toy and told me she had been on a quest to find a replacement. I told her not once, but SEVERAL times, that it was OK, my son was working on it and we were "trying out" suitable replacements. Despite that, she spent all of Sunday and some of Monday trying to find a replacement.
Sounds nice right? Grandma looking to help her grandson? But she's not helping him. She's not sending something hoping he might pick it. She's sending something, fantasies already concocted in her head that she's going to "be the hero and save the day" and SHE is going to replace the toy. She purposely waited for this moment to decide to "support" us in a way that benefited her. And she's not actually doing something for my son because she cares. She's doing this in an effort to "assign" herself the roll of hero. She's not earning the roll, but creating it so that she can then "play the part". As I see it, she has noticed an opportunity and is jumping on it and it is all a very, very, subtle way to turn all of the attention to her. If she was trying to help, she would've been helping all along, and not just "coming to the rescue" when she sees an "easy" way to fix the problem (and really, her arrogance that SHE is the one that will find the replacement pisses me off. My son should chose it, not her.)
NM loves to play this "hero" roll. It is her favorite form of narc supply. She loves to be the one who solves the problems, has all the advice, fixes things for people. She needs people to depend on her "smarts" and "wit" and "problem solving skills" to fill good about herself.
And here's the really fucked up part, the part that I've seen dimly before but see clearly now, she actually creates situations so that she can swoop in and play the hero. She will cut me down and criticize me so that she can then "comfort" me. She will allow someone to languish in pain, so that she can then be the "healer". She will remove other "comfort objects" from my kids (she has stood between me and my screaming children so they couldn't get to me, demanding they let her comfort them. She refused my older son his comfort objects and demanded that she should comfort him instead.) She allows my sister to flounder and enables her so that she remains in a position of "needing" my mother for "support" and comfort. She infantilizes her so that she doesn't learn to take care of herself....and then she needs NM to "rescue" her from behaving like that. NM always ready with advice, "love", and money.
NM loved to "rescue" my grandparents and take over too. She would often not include her siblings in issues surrounding their medical care, so that she could then point out how she had "taken care of" my grandparents. She sends them money and then claims she is the only one who supports them. I can think of tons of times she allowed me to be emotionally hurt so that she could then be of comfort to me. Specifically, I know she used to go to my father when my sister wasn't behaving. He'd step in and discipline her, at the request of my mother and in a horribly harsh way (which NM knew he would do). And then she'd step in and "comfort" my sister. I often wonder if she allowed my father to be harsh with us specifically so she could then "rescue" us (plus, it was a good cover for her own asshole behaviors.) I also think that NM's continual description of me as "nervous and anxious" was trumped up so that she could do things for me and make it look like rescuing. Because I'm too an
I have a good friend who's NM mother has Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome (they create medical problems in others in order to look like the "rescuer" when they bring the relative in for care. For example, a mother slightly poisons her kids, so she can get attention when she brings them in for treatment.) I think my mother has a very similar issue, except that she creates emotional stress in people, so that she can then "rescue" them emotionally.
The other issue I have with her need to rescue is that, often, I DO NOT NEED HER TO RESCUE ME. Yes, in this situation with my son, some support would've been nice. I did not need her to buy (several) new toys. One toy would've been one thing. But making a production of her search, buying several, and not even one that is close to the original is something else (oh, and she knows where she could actually find a replacement, but chose not to do that.) I do not need her to step in and solve this problem. I am the mom, I will take care of it, and I will solve the problem. But to her, if I refuse her "help" I'm being ungrateful.
It's such a catch 22. Because what she is basically saying is that she doesn't think I CAN solve the problem myself. That I NEED her to step in and take care of it. She does not believe in me. I have felt the refrain of this sentiment over and over in my life (and can see it more clearly with my sister). Her constant need to step in says I am incompetent. When my son was born, she would buy out stores of clothes and toys. At Christmas, she sends HUNDREDS of dollars of stuff (that I later get criticized for by others because my kids 'have so many toys'). I do not need her to clothe my kids. I do not need her to send toys. I am perfectly capable of it. But she continually does it and then acts as if she's done me some huge favor. And if I tell her it's too much, I'm ungrateful. She's just "trying to help". When I tell my kids to do something, she parrots me afterward, as if I need her help to get them to oblige. It is so degrading. She is robbing me of fulfilling my parental obligation to my kids, and hides it under generosity and kindness.
Basically, she creates a situation of emotional strife, tells me I can't handle it, determines that she will rescue me, and then determines "how" she wants to rescue me. Oh, and then I'm supposed to be grateful for it.
My MIL has a very similar pattern. Although they have a similar effect on me, I hadn't been able to quite pin how they were similar. But they both need to be needed. They both PUT their children in situations (or hold them in situations) so that they can rescue and be the care taker. (For example, MIL will share negative gossip someone else has said about me, and then offer "sympathy" that someone would say those things.) The both want to rush in and be the "one" that everyone looks to, the one who fixes it all.
It's amazing to me how an act of "kindness" can hide such subversive and horrible motives. How they will sacrifice the health and self esteem of their children to make themselves into the fantasies they have created. I know that I've discussed the principles of this before and I think I have a good theoretical understanding of them. But to actual see the "inner workings" of how this gets done is disturbing. To know that for most "normal" people, all they see is a loving and helpful grandmother, is scary.
******************************************************************************
Post Note: One of NM's suggestions to me for dealing with this was for my older son to give his lovey to his brother. When I pointed out that this was not fair, NM said "true" but she felt so bad for my younger son (so it's all about NM?). WTF? How does that accomplish anything? Kara pointed out that it is absurd to think that because one son attached to it, the other son will too. For me, I was appalled to think she'd rip the comfort from one son and just give it to the other, thinking NOTHING about my older son. What would my older son do without his comfort object? I told NM that my older son had generously offered up many of his other toys. This gesture of love meant nothing to my mother. She felt it best to just "rearrange" the objects (including the kids) into her idea of "fixed". She is crazy.
As an aside, I sometimes try to "mask" the details of my life in order to remain anonymous. So, like yesterday, I sort of talked around the issue. I feared if NM found this blog, she'd immediately recognize the details and know it was me. BUT, I think I've already sort of given myself away, so I thought I need to be more open about the situation so that I could explore it fully (without worrying about "covering" for myself).
The issue was that my littlest son (who's 2) lost his very favorite "lovey". It is a small, dark colored (hard to find) stuffed toy that he has had since he was three months old. It also belonged to his brother (who never fully attached to it, but attached to the blanket it came with as a set. Something that I felt a bit ironic.) He had other options, but he picked this toy to attach to. It is a very important "member" of our household. And it disappeared. It does not leave the house and I know it is in my home somewhere. I have driven myself CRAZY trying to locate it.
A child often picks a "transitional object" to attach to as the learn to separate from their mother. It is the first thing that "belongs" to them and helps to define them as separate (in theory). It is something to help them learn to sooth themselves away from their mother (and represents a part of her) and provides comfort for a child during stressful situations.
I have diligently looked after that thing for almost three years (and five years with his brother's loveys). I have hunted and searched and worried about that animal. When it went missing, I panicked and felt a whole surge of emotions. At first, I felt extremely upset. I worried my poor boy would not be able to sleep, that I wouldn't be able to comfort him. That he'd have to mourn. (As I'm struggling with some very similar issues right now, I think this part hit me a little hard.) I didn't want him to feel sadness (and also realized it is a part of life). I worried that I wouldn't be able to comfort him. (Those worries tended to be unfounded, but as an ACoN mom, I'm always worried about the "emotional line" I tow with my kids. I don't want to be under emotional, but I don't want to give emotions too much power that my kids are overwhelmed....really, it's hard to teach a skill to my kids that I'm working on myself. This is also a topic for another post that I would like to explore.) I felt a touch of sadness and nostalgia for the dang thing. Losing it felt like losing a piece of my son's "babyhood". I don't plan on having more kids (again, something I'm dealing with right now) so losing the toy was sort of a "tangible" symbol of moving past having a baby. I had some sentimental attachment to it too. I also felt extremely GUILTY. Guilty I had let it get lost, guilty for having a lot of my own feelings, guilty that I'd let my son down. I stressed and stressed about the appropriate way to handle this and how to help my boy.
Now, don't get me wrong, this is not about me. None of my feelings got in the way of helping my son. He didn't see (nor did I hint at) any of my own feelings and I made sure to focus on the best ways to help him. But, since this is my blog, and I need a place to talk about my feelings, which is why I'm talking about me, and not my son, today. And yes, through the whole thing I tried to make sure I was keeping the attention and focus where it belonged.
This would've also been the time that having my own mother to lean on would've helped (as I wrote about yesterday). I was comforted today by a blog (written by a therapist) about what she did when her child lost his lovey. Her feelings were very similar to mine and it helped me to feel comforted that I was having "normal" reactions instead of "ACoN mommy" overreactions. (This woman stated she had wanted to call and "bawl to her mommy" too. She didn't, but she had that option if she wanted to.) I also had my lovely friend, Kara, who held my hand too. That definitely helped.
It was something Kara said about my mom that really "clicked" about why my mom's involvement in the whole situation bothered me. I posted on FB that the lovey was lost. I had hoped that the positive messages from friends and family back would somehow help me find the toy (I know, sounds like voodoo mystic crap, but I was desperate). NM offered some messages of "help" but then ignored the whole thing for five days. Friday and Saturday, the crazy woman sent me several texts that were all "me, me, me, me". She didn't bother to ask about my son (or me, but who am I kidding) at all. I get that she doesn't see me, but it fucking sucks when I see her completely ignore the grandkids she "loves" so much. When they were babies, it was harder to see, but as they've gotten older, it's clear to see she only materializes when it benefits here.
And so, cue Sunday, when suddenly she asked about the toy and told me she had been on a quest to find a replacement. I told her not once, but SEVERAL times, that it was OK, my son was working on it and we were "trying out" suitable replacements. Despite that, she spent all of Sunday and some of Monday trying to find a replacement.
Sounds nice right? Grandma looking to help her grandson? But she's not helping him. She's not sending something hoping he might pick it. She's sending something, fantasies already concocted in her head that she's going to "be the hero and save the day" and SHE is going to replace the toy. She purposely waited for this moment to decide to "support" us in a way that benefited her. And she's not actually doing something for my son because she cares. She's doing this in an effort to "assign" herself the roll of hero. She's not earning the roll, but creating it so that she can then "play the part". As I see it, she has noticed an opportunity and is jumping on it and it is all a very, very, subtle way to turn all of the attention to her. If she was trying to help, she would've been helping all along, and not just "coming to the rescue" when she sees an "easy" way to fix the problem (and really, her arrogance that SHE is the one that will find the replacement pisses me off. My son should chose it, not her.)
NM loves to play this "hero" roll. It is her favorite form of narc supply. She loves to be the one who solves the problems, has all the advice, fixes things for people. She needs people to depend on her "smarts" and "wit" and "problem solving skills" to fill good about herself.
And here's the really fucked up part, the part that I've seen dimly before but see clearly now, she actually creates situations so that she can swoop in and play the hero. She will cut me down and criticize me so that she can then "comfort" me. She will allow someone to languish in pain, so that she can then be the "healer". She will remove other "comfort objects" from my kids (she has stood between me and my screaming children so they couldn't get to me, demanding they let her comfort them. She refused my older son his comfort objects and demanded that she should comfort him instead.) She allows my sister to flounder and enables her so that she remains in a position of "needing" my mother for "support" and comfort. She infantilizes her so that she doesn't learn to take care of herself....and then she needs NM to "rescue" her from behaving like that. NM always ready with advice, "love", and money.
NM loved to "rescue" my grandparents and take over too. She would often not include her siblings in issues surrounding their medical care, so that she could then point out how she had "taken care of" my grandparents. She sends them money and then claims she is the only one who supports them. I can think of tons of times she allowed me to be emotionally hurt so that she could then be of comfort to me. Specifically, I know she used to go to my father when my sister wasn't behaving. He'd step in and discipline her, at the request of my mother and in a horribly harsh way (which NM knew he would do). And then she'd step in and "comfort" my sister. I often wonder if she allowed my father to be harsh with us specifically so she could then "rescue" us (plus, it was a good cover for her own asshole behaviors.) I also think that NM's continual description of me as "nervous and anxious" was trumped up so that she could do things for me and make it look like rescuing. Because I'm too an
I have a good friend who's NM mother has Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome (they create medical problems in others in order to look like the "rescuer" when they bring the relative in for care. For example, a mother slightly poisons her kids, so she can get attention when she brings them in for treatment.) I think my mother has a very similar issue, except that she creates emotional stress in people, so that she can then "rescue" them emotionally.
The other issue I have with her need to rescue is that, often, I DO NOT NEED HER TO RESCUE ME. Yes, in this situation with my son, some support would've been nice. I did not need her to buy (several) new toys. One toy would've been one thing. But making a production of her search, buying several, and not even one that is close to the original is something else (oh, and she knows where she could actually find a replacement, but chose not to do that.) I do not need her to step in and solve this problem. I am the mom, I will take care of it, and I will solve the problem. But to her, if I refuse her "help" I'm being ungrateful.
It's such a catch 22. Because what she is basically saying is that she doesn't think I CAN solve the problem myself. That I NEED her to step in and take care of it. She does not believe in me. I have felt the refrain of this sentiment over and over in my life (and can see it more clearly with my sister). Her constant need to step in says I am incompetent. When my son was born, she would buy out stores of clothes and toys. At Christmas, she sends HUNDREDS of dollars of stuff (that I later get criticized for by others because my kids 'have so many toys'). I do not need her to clothe my kids. I do not need her to send toys. I am perfectly capable of it. But she continually does it and then acts as if she's done me some huge favor. And if I tell her it's too much, I'm ungrateful. She's just "trying to help". When I tell my kids to do something, she parrots me afterward, as if I need her help to get them to oblige. It is so degrading. She is robbing me of fulfilling my parental obligation to my kids, and hides it under generosity and kindness.
Basically, she creates a situation of emotional strife, tells me I can't handle it, determines that she will rescue me, and then determines "how" she wants to rescue me. Oh, and then I'm supposed to be grateful for it.
My MIL has a very similar pattern. Although they have a similar effect on me, I hadn't been able to quite pin how they were similar. But they both need to be needed. They both PUT their children in situations (or hold them in situations) so that they can rescue and be the care taker. (For example, MIL will share negative gossip someone else has said about me, and then offer "sympathy" that someone would say those things.) The both want to rush in and be the "one" that everyone looks to, the one who fixes it all.
It's amazing to me how an act of "kindness" can hide such subversive and horrible motives. How they will sacrifice the health and self esteem of their children to make themselves into the fantasies they have created. I know that I've discussed the principles of this before and I think I have a good theoretical understanding of them. But to actual see the "inner workings" of how this gets done is disturbing. To know that for most "normal" people, all they see is a loving and helpful grandmother, is scary.
******************************************************************************
Post Note: One of NM's suggestions to me for dealing with this was for my older son to give his lovey to his brother. When I pointed out that this was not fair, NM said "true" but she felt so bad for my younger son (so it's all about NM?). WTF? How does that accomplish anything? Kara pointed out that it is absurd to think that because one son attached to it, the other son will too. For me, I was appalled to think she'd rip the comfort from one son and just give it to the other, thinking NOTHING about my older son. What would my older son do without his comfort object? I told NM that my older son had generously offered up many of his other toys. This gesture of love meant nothing to my mother. She felt it best to just "rearrange" the objects (including the kids) into her idea of "fixed". She is crazy.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Floating In
I hadn't thought about this particular memory in a long time. It sort of floated into my consciousness the other day, and I'm not exactly sure why. I remember at the time feeling absolutely dejected, although on the surface, it didn't seem like such a big deal.
I've written before about my parents divorce and how it just devastated me. Of course, it wasn't a complete shock, as my parents fought a lot and didn't seem particularly in love. Our house was a negative, somewhat cold household. But I was 14 and I remember thinking that parents don't get divorced when their kids are 14. I can remember thinking that I was "safe" from that happening (which, for a kid to be thinking about that at all must mean I had some inklings things were not good). It came shortly on the heels of my father losing his job and going back to college (which made money more scarce, and amped up NM's anxiety) and the death of my grandfather. I sort of felt like I was in a tail spin.
And the divorce itself was hard. My dad fell apart and my sister fell apart. It was like a bomb exploded in my life, shattering the pieces to the far corners of the world. And then there was NM. She was happy for the most part. She felt it was "finally (her) turn to be happy". She was in love, in a new romance, and she had stars in her eyes. The problem was, she also decided to "check out" of being a mom at that point (not that she had been a gold star mom before that, but she completely took a vacation from almost all mom duties).
NM was completely checkout and it she never checked in to see how I was doing. I got no counseling. She never discussed my feelings (when I tried, she made it clear I was infringing on her happiness and I didn't have a right to deny her her happiness. And, hell, I wanted her to be happy, right?). My dad was so devastated that he was useless. My sister was spiraling out of control.
I remember that for a long time (weeks, a month?) I didn't come out of my bedroom. I borrowed my father's small black and white television for my room. I got up, took a shower, and went back to my room until the bus came. I didn't talk to anyone. I went to school, came home, and went back to my room. I came out to eat dinner (silently) and went back to my room for the rest of the day. Even if I only did this for a week, shouldn't that have been enough to clue NM into the fact that maybe I wasn't handling things that well. I do remember my dad coming back to check on me. Once. But at least he asked me if I was OK. NM just ignored me.
NM had an affair with the man she would later marry. I remember not feeling very kindly towards my stepdad. How could I like him? He was the reason (in my mind) my parents divorced. When NM introduced us to him, she gave us no warning. NSIS and I were lounging around on a Sunday, watching TV, when she rolled in with him and his kids. I remember feeling completely off guard and...just weird. It was weird. And NM expected us to love him as much as SHE loved him. She told me, not too many years ago, that she had felt that step dad would be a "better" father for us. Like she had traded my "old" dad in and got us a new, better, (richer), model. I remember feeling very bitter, but NM would have none of that.
When she got married, it was a small "family" affair. Just me, NSIS, my aunt, uncle, and two cousins and stepdad's parents and kids. Maybe a friend or two. Most of NM's family didn't come (I wonder why now....) NM had decided that NSIS and I should sing NM and stepdad's "song" for their wedding.
There was a lot of little things that NM kept secret. She and stepdad signed their cards, and had on the cake, a number (213). NM wouldn't tell me what it meant, but I imagine that it was the hotel room number where they would meet up (I DID know that they had one specific hotel that they would meet at. I can't remember how I found that out....)
So, all these secret little things, toted as "romantic symbols", the marriage itself, the wedding made me feel so many things. Grossed out, bitter, angry, sad. I felt all hope I had that my parents would get back together would disappear when NM got married again. It was a really, really rough day for me and NSIS. I struggled to put on the happy face and be "happy" like NM wanted. I struggled with the step family who didn't seem to want anything to do with us. I struggled to accept the step father whom I felt had betrayed my family, whom I blamed for so many things.
And NM wanted me to get up and SING HER DAMN LOVE SONG TOO. I remember telling her I didn't want to do. I didn't tell her exactly why (I mean, she wasn't interested in my feelings) but it had to occur to her that this would be a hard day. Somewhere, along the line, when NSIS was drinking or I was locking myself in my room, or I went to high school every day in sweat pants, a flannel and no makeup that something was WRONG. She HAD to have known. It HAD to have occurred to her that her wedding might be hard on me and NSIS.
But she, apparently, didn't give a shit. Because she was pushing, hard, for NSIS and I to sing that damn song. I remember her attributing my not wanting to do it to nerves. Maybe I even told her I was too nervous. But she had to know that wasn't true either. I had been in theater for YEARS, performed a ton of solos in front of people. I didn't have stage fright.
I just didn't want to stand up and be a part of her "celebration" of her marriage. A marriage that symbolized, to me, the end of my family, the end of my childhood, the reason my mother abandoned me. She abandoned me and my sister for her "new" family, and now she wanted to celebrate that. And she expected me to play my part of happy, little daughter. She didn't care that I felt I was dishonoring my father. That I felt I was being disrespectful by acknowledging, by singing their "love song", to them. I remember feeling so horribly conflicted.
And she either didn't care, didn't notice, or didn't want to notice. It doesn't really matter. All she cared about that day was herself. All she cared about was HER happiness, HER marriage, and God forbid, she have to put that aside for a moment and think about how her children might be processing that day.
It's not a huge thing, singing a song at a wedding. But it symbolizes so much of what was wrong in her damn head. And how enmeshed I was. Because I ended up singing the damn song.
I've written before about my parents divorce and how it just devastated me. Of course, it wasn't a complete shock, as my parents fought a lot and didn't seem particularly in love. Our house was a negative, somewhat cold household. But I was 14 and I remember thinking that parents don't get divorced when their kids are 14. I can remember thinking that I was "safe" from that happening (which, for a kid to be thinking about that at all must mean I had some inklings things were not good). It came shortly on the heels of my father losing his job and going back to college (which made money more scarce, and amped up NM's anxiety) and the death of my grandfather. I sort of felt like I was in a tail spin.
And the divorce itself was hard. My dad fell apart and my sister fell apart. It was like a bomb exploded in my life, shattering the pieces to the far corners of the world. And then there was NM. She was happy for the most part. She felt it was "finally (her) turn to be happy". She was in love, in a new romance, and she had stars in her eyes. The problem was, she also decided to "check out" of being a mom at that point (not that she had been a gold star mom before that, but she completely took a vacation from almost all mom duties).
NM was completely checkout and it she never checked in to see how I was doing. I got no counseling. She never discussed my feelings (when I tried, she made it clear I was infringing on her happiness and I didn't have a right to deny her her happiness. And, hell, I wanted her to be happy, right?). My dad was so devastated that he was useless. My sister was spiraling out of control.
I remember that for a long time (weeks, a month?) I didn't come out of my bedroom. I borrowed my father's small black and white television for my room. I got up, took a shower, and went back to my room until the bus came. I didn't talk to anyone. I went to school, came home, and went back to my room. I came out to eat dinner (silently) and went back to my room for the rest of the day. Even if I only did this for a week, shouldn't that have been enough to clue NM into the fact that maybe I wasn't handling things that well. I do remember my dad coming back to check on me. Once. But at least he asked me if I was OK. NM just ignored me.
NM had an affair with the man she would later marry. I remember not feeling very kindly towards my stepdad. How could I like him? He was the reason (in my mind) my parents divorced. When NM introduced us to him, she gave us no warning. NSIS and I were lounging around on a Sunday, watching TV, when she rolled in with him and his kids. I remember feeling completely off guard and...just weird. It was weird. And NM expected us to love him as much as SHE loved him. She told me, not too many years ago, that she had felt that step dad would be a "better" father for us. Like she had traded my "old" dad in and got us a new, better, (richer), model. I remember feeling very bitter, but NM would have none of that.
When she got married, it was a small "family" affair. Just me, NSIS, my aunt, uncle, and two cousins and stepdad's parents and kids. Maybe a friend or two. Most of NM's family didn't come (I wonder why now....) NM had decided that NSIS and I should sing NM and stepdad's "song" for their wedding.
There was a lot of little things that NM kept secret. She and stepdad signed their cards, and had on the cake, a number (213). NM wouldn't tell me what it meant, but I imagine that it was the hotel room number where they would meet up (I DID know that they had one specific hotel that they would meet at. I can't remember how I found that out....)
So, all these secret little things, toted as "romantic symbols", the marriage itself, the wedding made me feel so many things. Grossed out, bitter, angry, sad. I felt all hope I had that my parents would get back together would disappear when NM got married again. It was a really, really rough day for me and NSIS. I struggled to put on the happy face and be "happy" like NM wanted. I struggled with the step family who didn't seem to want anything to do with us. I struggled to accept the step father whom I felt had betrayed my family, whom I blamed for so many things.
And NM wanted me to get up and SING HER DAMN LOVE SONG TOO. I remember telling her I didn't want to do. I didn't tell her exactly why (I mean, she wasn't interested in my feelings) but it had to occur to her that this would be a hard day. Somewhere, along the line, when NSIS was drinking or I was locking myself in my room, or I went to high school every day in sweat pants, a flannel and no makeup that something was WRONG. She HAD to have known. It HAD to have occurred to her that her wedding might be hard on me and NSIS.
But she, apparently, didn't give a shit. Because she was pushing, hard, for NSIS and I to sing that damn song. I remember her attributing my not wanting to do it to nerves. Maybe I even told her I was too nervous. But she had to know that wasn't true either. I had been in theater for YEARS, performed a ton of solos in front of people. I didn't have stage fright.
I just didn't want to stand up and be a part of her "celebration" of her marriage. A marriage that symbolized, to me, the end of my family, the end of my childhood, the reason my mother abandoned me. She abandoned me and my sister for her "new" family, and now she wanted to celebrate that. And she expected me to play my part of happy, little daughter. She didn't care that I felt I was dishonoring my father. That I felt I was being disrespectful by acknowledging, by singing their "love song", to them. I remember feeling so horribly conflicted.
And she either didn't care, didn't notice, or didn't want to notice. It doesn't really matter. All she cared about that day was herself. All she cared about was HER happiness, HER marriage, and God forbid, she have to put that aside for a moment and think about how her children might be processing that day.
It's not a huge thing, singing a song at a wedding. But it symbolizes so much of what was wrong in her damn head. And how enmeshed I was. Because I ended up singing the damn song.
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