Rage, then Anger, than Annoyance, and then Hurt

My NSIS, NM, and I have always been very enmeshed.  The relationships have always been very codependent.

As I described before, I was often the care taker or protector of my sister.  We were always together. We went to childcare together and I protected and took care of her there.  In social situations, we were always together.  Even now, when my father's family had a family reunion, she wanted to go with me (even though we hadn't spoken in over a year) because she needs me to buffer for her.   In some situations, she can be very friendly and out going.  Not so much in others.  We took the same dance classes and lessons (NM always put me into the age level of NSIS, so I was often with kids two years younger.)  My friends where NSIS's friends (but generally not the other way around).

My NM and NSis have a very love/hate relationship.  NSis and my father did not get along at all when she was a kid and NSis was very attached to NM.  NM always babied her and coddled her.  NSis always got to sit by NM on the couch when we watched TV (I was with my father).  Nsis always sat by my mother in restaurants.  NSis even had to sit behind my mother in the car (not my father because she didn't like him.)  NM helped with my sister's homework (as did I.  NM did not, generally help me) when she slacked off.  NM enabled my sister when consequences were in order.

NM always expected me to give to my sister (as the "luckier") one and enable her too.  When my sister would beat the hell out of me, biting, gouging chunks of my skin out with her nails, punching me, my NM blamed us "both" for fighting (even though NSis never had a scratch and I never hit her back.)  I was blamed if my sister didn't do her chores.  I was blamed if my sister did something she wasn't supposed to (the final straw of me moving out of NM's house was when she held me accountable for my sister taking off and me not being able to find her.  NM, of course, was spending the weekend at her boyfriend's house and put me "in charge".  If I'd come home without her, I'd also have been grounded.  My sister was rarely held accountable, by NM, of attacking me (other relatives and my father tried to help me, but NM undermined that often.)

NM has am million excuses for NSis's bad behavior: she's having a hard time, she is unlucky, she just can't catch a break, bad things just "accidentally" happen to her.  She just has a horrible boyfriend, no self esteem (something NM asked my to have my DH help my sister get by "supporting" her more.)  She gives her tons of money (which she justifies as fair because she buys my kids tons of -unwanted- toys and gifts.  Or because she has to spend four times as much on me for "gifts" -my kids and husband count in "my" total- and so it's fair to give my sister more.  I could care less about the money, but it speaks volumes to me.)  She makes excuses when my sister ignores me or forgets me or acts up (she's just jealous of you Jessie, you have so much and it makes her feel bad about herself, she has a lot going on right now, she has a hard time remembering things like birthdays.)

Every once and awhile NM would agree that my sister was treating me badly, but aside from a pitying look, she would then change the subject to how much my sister treats HER badly and how horrible it makes her feel.  How it's not fair that she has to "deal with NSIS" all on her own.  No one struggles as much to help NSis, no one does for NSis, no one knows how painful this all is for her.  I have counseled, consoled, and listened to NM's complaints.  For many years, I hated my sister for what she was "doing to my mother" (shortly after this, NSis and I compared notes - in the one period I thought we were on the same side -and found out NM blamed ME for all of her stress in life.)  Despite all I did for my sister, it never counted.

My sister is very dependent on my mother.  When my parents divorced, she got most of the attention for acting out.  She got ALL of the therapy.  She relies on my mother to give her money (when she went to visit my dying grandmother, my mother paid for it all).  She relies on my mother to help her out.  But she also gets very annoyed with her.  NM would visit her once a year (which NSis would complain about.  NM visited me four to five times a year at the time AND stayed in my home.  She would get a hotel - or end up in a hotel after they fought- at NSis's house) and NSis would complain it was too much to have her come more.  NSis would call complaining about my mother holding her back, not getting her, not being supportive, not being empathetic (when NSis's beloved dog died, NM couldn't talk to her on the phone about it because it upset NM so much. :P)  My sister rarely visited NM in her home.

Since my estrangement with my sister, NM and NSis have both claimed their relationship has gotten so much better.  They don't necessarily imply it's because I'm out of the picture, I think they think they have "worked on their issues" and that NSis is "getting better" (something I've seen no evidence of).  I think my putting up boundaries has just driven them closer together (and more codependent).  They act very lovey dovey on FB.  They are very defensive about each other.  While they can complain about each other, if I EVER said anything, I got criticized and put down for it.

My NM has had little concern over my feelings towards my sister.  She portrays me as holding a grudge, being resentful, and "giving up" on my sister.  She has never tried to understand my point of view, but rather pushed reconciliation.  Last year, she wrote me an email saying that everything was her fault and that I shouldn't hold NSis responsible for the mistakes NM made as a mother (what those mistakes where she didn't say).  When I explained that I had issues with the ADULT my sister was, NM dismissed me.  She has guilted, shamed, and pushed me to reconcile.  She even pulls out "you don't know how hard this is on me".  I have never felt understood or listened to about the situation.  In fact, she doesn't even ask about me.

I know that my father told my sister to back off last month and that I had some things I was working through (I wish my father hadn't said this, as NSIS took this as I had "problems" and then launched into trying to be the sympathetic caregiver to me, which came off as patronizing and condescending instead of really caring.)  I know NSIS told this to my mother (they have no confidentiality when it comes to me and tell each other everything.  NSis betrayed my confidence when I would complain about my mother (I thought we were sharing a common feeling, as NSis would also say the same things about my mother during the conversation.)  But NM has made no attempts to reach out and see if I am OK (just vague condolences about my grandmother -and then gossip about my father's family that she managed to obtain through manipulation).  I'm sure she'd justify that as "respecting my privacy".  But she doesn't respect my privacy at any other time, why now?

NM has twice in the past month -as tension with my sister has reached a new height- changed her profile photo on FB to one of her and NSIS.  Close together with their heads, laughing, prompting lots of "awes" and "you two are so sweet" and "so much love".  BARF.

I do not want to be on NM's profile.  I refuse to take the ridiculous selfies she forces on everyone else.  She used to use my children, but I put a stop to that too (I don't like their photos public).  I'm not jealous of the relationship they have together.  In fact, seeing photos of them like that reminds me of what it is like to be around them.  Lots of bitter tongues and gossip and complaining and drama mongering.  Few real conversations.  Lots of me trying my best to be supportive and never feeling like I could be myself.  The negativity that is the two of them "behind the scenes" is horrible.

But it strikes me as VERY insensitive of NM to keep changing the photo to one of her and my sister.  It almost implies to me that I am on the outside and they are on the inside.  That she has taken sides (which I've always felt).  When my sister was in town, fine.  But just randomly?  And it's not like NM posts tons of pictures of her with other people as her profile photo.  It's either NM or it's NM and NSIS.  And maybe she's just trying to force me to look at my sister and hoping it'll make me feel guilt/nostalgia/sadness or something.  I really could be reading too much into it but I've seen NM do things like this before to elicit reactions out of people.  She loves to bait.

Meanwhile, she's texting me, baiting me to support her in her latest endeavor (sort of "hey, look at me, this is what I'm doing.  You should be acknowledging it!!!")  I've always been the caretaker while NSis is the star and the pet.  And photos like that one just plain piss me off.  I go from rage, to anger, to very annoyed, and then finally hurt.

Maybe it's a good thing, as it reminds me of why I don't want to participate in any of this anymore.  (and BTW, I don't look at NM's FB page unless I have to anymore, but her profile photo is hard to ignore.)  But it is so painful to be aware of how little NM cares about my feelings in all of this.  How my well being is of little concern to her.  Now of this shocks me or surprises me.  And if I called NM on it, she'd twist it to say she's just "not picking favorites" and "loving both of my daughters".  Blech.

UnWelcome

From the TV sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond (and I'm paraphrasing):

Maria, the overbearing, narcissistic MIL is complaining, "I don't feel welcome in your home."

Debra, the DIL says "But you are over ALL the time.  You never give me a chance to welcome you."


This is a sentiment I feel with my in-laws a lot.  They are here.  All the time.  Well, not ALL the time, but enough that it doesn't feel like I get much of a break from them.  And they are coming down, again, on their monthly trips to babysit the other grandkids and park it over at my BIL's house for the weekend (they always stay the ENTIRE weekend, Friday morning to late Sunday night).

I'm feeling annoyed by that again, and partially I know that I don't really have a right to feel that way.  I didn't make the plans, it's not my house, and I don't have a say so. 

But part of me feels, again, that we are just expected to go along with everyone else's plans.  Sure, we can say no.  But there always feels like some sort of pressure to go along with every one else's life.  Like we are expected to fit into THEIR lives, but no the other way around. 

As usual, BIL and MIL schedule these weekends and we fit around BIL's social schedule.  Or MIL and FIL make plans to come in for their social schedule and we are expected to fit around that.  I always feel like we are an "add on".  Something to round out their weekend. 

Which would be fine once and awhile.  But we are never the priority.  MIL never tries to work out coming into town, or making plans with us, it never feels like it's about US.  About actually making an effort to treat us like grown ups with our own family and schedules.  About trying to communicate with us and get together with us on an adult level.  I'm not sure if I'm conveying that well.  But it just feels that it is always about MIL, or BIL, or football games, or whatever.   And not about finding time to spend together in which we can all feel comfortable or valued.

And on the flip side, there is lots of pressure to invite them down to our house, to make plans with them.  MIL, despite her intensely controlling nature, likes to sit back and have people create plans for her.  To come to her and ASK her to be around us.  To WANT her to be around and to prove it.  She's very covert in how she does conveys that, but I always feel that.  It comes across in that she never just calls up and says "We would like to spend time with you.  What would work for you.  What would you like to do?"  It comes across in the subtle ways she hints to my husband (and he in turn gets upset with me) that she'd like to stay.  She talks a big game about wanting to create family time and family memories and all of that, but she doesn't seem to want to do any of the actual WORK to make that happen.  It's so, so subtle but it always feels like it's a choice between doing all the work for her, or fitting in around her.  I just don't feel like we are considered at all.

I'm not sure if I'm making sense with this.  I have a hard time really understanding my feelings myself.  And, being a big hypocrite, I actually don't want to spend more time with them.  But I think it's times like this that seem to highlight how enmeshed and self-centered the family is.  I don't feel like plans are made between adults, but that we are children expected to just "go along" with things.   I don't feel like it is negotiated time in which everyone can feel comfortable.  I feel like we are just puzzle pieces fitting into MIL's (and BIL - or in this case SIL's - grand schemes.)  And I can't really say anything.  What would I say?  You can't come down?  Don't invite us along to your things?  Even telling them to make more of an effort to involve us specifically would have an outcome I wouldn't want.

So, maybe I'm just here bitching because it's a shitty situation all around.  I don't really want it to be fixed (because to "fix it" would mean more time with these thoughtless people, which I don't want) but I don't like feeling like an "after thought" all the time.  I dislike feeling so marginalized and unimportant.  I dislike how all the toxic and negative behavior is hidden underneath "family" dinners and the like.  I dislike how I'm always cast as the one who doesn't invite them down enough (when they are ALWAYS here) or make an effort to plan things (when they never do that themselves).  There just is no good solution

Mother's Little Helper

I have some random memories floating around lately.  And also, some relationships in my life have come into much clearer focus.  So, I have some random stories to tell.  I'm really not sure what they have to do with anything, except that I want to write them.  I've avoided discussing individuals in my life in too much detail, as some sense of wanting to respect their privacy has held me back.  But now, although I still don't want to reveal to much about any one person, I need to write these stories down.

NM always says I was a good baby and toddler.  Compliant, easy going.  Easy.  I was always "easy" she said.  NSIS was not.  NSIS was demanding and irritable.  More needy. 

And so, from the start, I became mommy's little helper.  I helped coddle NSIS.  I gave in so that NSIS wouldn't cry.  I tried not to make NSIS mad.  I worked hard to keep her happy.  I worked hard to help NM. 

NM always says that I was a pretty good child.  That is putting it mildly.  I rarely got in trouble.  I did all my chores.  I got straight As.  Always.  My teachers loved me. (I was teacher's helper too.  I didn't realize until much later that, although I liked to help, I sometimes resented being too busy "helping" to enjoy things the other kids did at school.   Like goofing off, or having more social time.)  I did lots of chores.  I was in charge every day after school  and all summer long of my sister.  I did chores and was expected to make her do her's.  HA.  NSIS would explode.  She was violent and very physically abusive.  This wasn't a "sibling" fight.  This was every few days, her attacking me, me trying to restrain her (I never wanted to hurt her).  Me living in fear of pissing her off.  But also being "in charge" of forcing this willful child to do things she didn't want to do.  And if she didn't do her chores, I got in trouble. 

I also got in trouble if I called my mom, begging for help.  She saw the bruises and bite marks and claw chunks from my arms.  She new my sister raged.  But we "both" were fighting.  So, I got in trouble for that too. 

But I continued to help.  I often felt sorry for my mom.  I wanted to help.  I always tried to smooth things over.  I always was the good girl.  The less trouble I got in, the less trauma there was around our house.  My dad was depressed and often raged and life at home was tense.  I wanted to help.  I offered to start dinners for my mom.  I never asked for help on homework.  I didn't ask to be involved in activities because I knew it would stress my mom out to get me there. 

When my family exploded with the divorce and we all fell apart, NM disappeared for a few years.  Sure, she was still "there", but she was often busy.  Busy with her new boyfriend and his family.  Traveling to see them.  Enjoying her "new life".  She left me in charge of NSIS a lot more.  Whole weekends.  Over night.  With a child that snuck out and drank constantly. 

But I was still the "good girl".  I quit expressing my feeling about the divorce and how upset I was because NM said I couldn't feel that way because it was her "turn to be happy".  So, I ducked my head and shut up.  I still got on honor roll at school.   I was in school activities.  I held down a job.  I often (like most of the week) would stay at my boyfriend's parents house so I could go to work. 

I tried to be there for NM.  By now, NSIS was in full on crazy mode.  FULL on.  I felt badly again for NM.  The stress showed on her face.  I tried to help her with my sister.  I helped hold her down when she was trying to leave.  I stood by to help NM when NSIS was out of control.  I listened to her.  My first year of college, NM called me constantly with horror story updates of what my sister had been doing (really, truly, the stories were often horrific to me.  Still are.)  I wanted to be there for NM.  NM dropped NSIS off one weekend (a weekend of a friend's wedding that NM forced me to take NSIS to.  Which was just were I wanted my 17 year old, out of control sister was at a wedding of collage aged kids.)  I listened to NM.  I offered advice (that was rarely taken).  I tried to reason with NSIS.  I tried to talk to her.  I really couldn't stand her at the time. 

Slowly, NSIS evened out a little bit (although did not mellow out.  She is still is very crazy but it's not as intense.)  But I continued to be there for NM.  I listened as she complained about her new family (the family she had "dumped" me and my sister for a few years earlier.  I was reminded that I should be "over that" and have "moved on" and how long was I going to talk about the divorce for).  I listened for HOURS every week on the phone.  I drove to see her.  I visited several times a year.  She visited me.  I listened to her talk about NSIS, how hard it was.  How NSIS was still getting into serious situations.  I agonized with her.  I tried to help her with NSIS. 

I had always idolized my mother when little.  I wrote books about her and dedicated to her.  I crafted special gifts.  I saved my money to buy her presents.  I cooked and cleaned and babysat.  And this continued as I got into my late 20s.  I bought special gifts.  I tried to find ways to make her feel special.  I worked hard to develop a relationship with my step father (a man who helped my mom cheat on my father).  I tried to blend into NM's new family (like she wanted me too).  I cooked special meals, took her out to special dinners.  I celebrated her birthdays and most holidays with her.  I bought nice wine when she came.  I tried. And fucking tried. 

I continued to be NM's venting partner when she needed to unload about NSIS.  She unloaded her stress and pain and anxiety onto me.  She wouldn't let me separate from it.  She often said that she "shouldn't be the only one who has to deal with (NSIS)".  That the responsibility of it was shared.  And since my dad refused to do that with her, I became that person. 

I sent Mother's Day Cards, birthday gifts, thoughtfully bought and carefully wrapped.  I tried to find ways to listen to her advice (which I often didn't want, but felt it made her feel "included" in things.)  I continued to listen to HOURS of complaints.  HOURS of negativity.  NSIS did little of this.  NSIS often forgot NM's birthday.  Often didn't send cards (or even call).  Kept NM up stressed at night.  Called NM screaming in the middle of the night (on the phone, often drunk, often in serious trouble).  She was a difficult child.  She was a difficult teenager who was involved in almost everyone of parents' worst nightmares that I can think of.  She often didn't acknowledge or even thank my mother.  She got in trouble and didn't care (and certainly didn't feel remorse).  She caused horrific stress to my step father (and step family).  Again, put them in actual danger. 

And very recently, NM described BOTH me and my sister as ungrateful, neglectful children.  Children who certainly didn't appreciate her, didn't show her respect, didn't love her enough.  Both of us.  All that shit I did, all those years.  I didn't do it to earn her love; I did it because I DID love her.  And it didn't matter to her at all.  To her, I was the same as my selfish, crazy, mean little sister.  Ungrateful little brats, the both of us. 

Sometimes I don't know if it hurts more that she doesn't know how to love me, or that she wouldn't allow me to love her.  God knows I tried. 

Defining Reality

Earlier this week was the anniversary of NM's mother's death.  A day that has been noted, extensively, for the past five years.  She posted a lovely tribute to her mother, carefully crafted from the many other "tribute" posts she's seen.  Like Dr. Frankenstein, she pulled bits and pieces from several places, including some ideas that were almost verbatim to things my aunt says (her SIL.)  It was flowery, spoke in a very important tone (you could tell she crafted the message in her head for hours before posting) and spoke of all of the loving and wonderful things grandma was.

Now, I wasn't surprised that she is saying this about her mom.  I've heard it for five years.  But in the many, many years before that NM said nothing but what a "weird" and odd woman grandma was.  How she was a horrible mother, a hermit who neglected her kids and often put her in charge.  A woman who she couldn't stand.  I remember her saying that she feared turning into her. 

But then grandma died, and like a light switch, NM suddenly missed their "chats" (or the phone calls she obligatorily made and then complained about before grandma died), or the visits (which she forced herself to do and never said more than a few hours...TOPS.  They never visited her.  Ever.  But NM recalls the "support" her mother offered her. 

Anyway, I hit the "like" button before my brain could filter it.  And then, in an instant, "unliked" it.  I don't have to like and support this drivel.  This propaganda disguised as mourning.  She can suck NS all she wants from people, but I'm not going to participate in this shit.  And I didn't.  I ignored it completely.  (I might add that for the first five years, NM is "in mourning" for her mother from early November when her mother died, to the beginning of January when her mother's birthday is.  One time she tried to guilt me into having her visit-when I LEGITMATELY had other plans- she said "you know how hard the holidays are after my mom".  You'll notice too that it suddenly became about the loss of "her mom".  Not my grandmother.  She's never been concerned with how I felt about grandma passing.  Not that I was all that torn up.  Grandma was a cold, nutty old lady.  She didn't bother me much, but I was never ever close to her.  So, it was what it was.  Anyway, NM lays it on thick every year. )  The thought crosses my mind as  I write this that NM probably expects some sort of public declaration from me for her "milestone" birthday in a few weeks.  Not going to happen.

Anyway, NM quit emailing.  I can always tell I've "displeased" her or that she's contemplating exactly how big of a shit I am by how silent the constant barrage of emails, and texts, and FB crap is.  It goes silent.  Radio silence.  There's always a message in it.  I ignored it.

Then, she posts a picture of my sons (one of the professional portraits I had taken a month ago.  I'm curious as to WHY now she would post that picture).  She, again, carefully crafts a message.  Shit about melting her heart.  And "love, love, love".  Folks, my mom is not flowery.  She is not heartfelt messages and sentimental statements.  EVER.  If she ever talked like that in real life, I'd fall over.  It, again, doesn't surprise me, as I've seen her mimic FB "social niceties" before.  Saying things like "my thoughts and prayers are with you".  She's not religious.  Calling people "sweet" before their name.  Ugh, gage me.

Anyway, this shameless pimping of my kids for her own attention pissed me off HUGE.  But what can  I do.  She took it from the photographer's public FB sight.  She (technically) didn't share MY shit.  And how can you say anything to a grandmother who is "just offering up her love" of her grandsons.  Blech. 

So, I ignored that too. 

Yesterday, after not-liking her shit, and a week of radio silence (and remember, she tries to contact me 3-4 times a day.  Never by phone.  That is some sort of boundary I managed to erect without ever having to say it.  Really, I believe that I pissed her off one time by trying to limit the amount of phone time, explaining I had very young kids, little "alone time" to talk properly, and when I did, I was often fucking TIRED.  I was just trying to cut down on the thrice weekly 1-2 hour phone marathons that she would hold me hostage on.....short of, literally, hanging up, you couldn't get NM to wrap up the conversation.  Anyway, after I said that, she quit calling.  And I, enjoying the quiet, didn't call back.  It's been over a year since we've talked on the phone-except my birthday, but that was another story.  I believe she's "punishing" me.  But, I'm enjoying the silence, so I haven't bothered to call.  I hate talking on the phone anyway.)  OK, SOOO, I get this text asking how we are.  If we are feeling better (this is her "go-to" wedge to try and get me to respond to her.  She asks how I am and than launches into herself or what she wants).  I tell her "doing good".  This gets her hair up.  She replys "good to hear.  Hey, have the boys call me sometime when you get a chance.  I would love to talk to them."

Huh.  Fuck that.  She wants to talk to THEM?   And why doesn't she just call THEM.  She claims it's because I'm "so busy" and she never knows when to call.  She actually did try to call THEM (only) a month or so ago.  It was 5 p.m.  End of nap time, beginning of rest time.  I didn't pick up.  She knows the kids schedule.  But she called then.  And now, she is putting it all on me.  "When you have time".  Note, she says nothing about talking to ME.  Not that I care, but seriously.  I'm sure she's pissed too because I was supposed to offer up a free weekend when we had one, so she could make up for that canceled trip.

But here's the thing, we haven't had a free weekend.  Not that we are "so busy" but we've had shit going on.  My husband's been gone.  It's a busy time of year.  The cancelled trip was TWO weeks ago.  But I KNOW in her head,  I just know, she's sitting there bitter, pissed off, angry that I haven't offered up a time.  She's stewing in her "mom died grief", wallowing in pictures of her grandchildren she "never sees!"  She sees them every two to three months for days at a time.  That's enough for me. I seriously can't handle more, and the stress of seeing her was killing me. 

I didn't have my kids call my mom today.  Not going to lie, I had to FIGHT the urge to do it.  I didn't want her to think badly of me.  Think I was avoiding her.  When she says jump, I literally have to tie myself down not to jump.  I know the instant I didn't respond to the text yesterday or have the kids call, she got pissed.  I can feel the "icy stare" from her almost 700 miles away. 

And here is the real kicker.  I'm not TRYING to ignore her totally.  It's not like I'm sitting on my ass purposely trying to "hold out" so that I'm not rewarding her demanding behavior (although it would be completely legitimate of me to do it).  I've been busy.  She texted me yesterday while I was a the doctor's office.  I sat for two hours there and went home to put the kids to nap.   I got them up, cooked dinner, let their dad play with them, and put them to bed.  Got up today, had hair appointments, shit to do, and really didn't have time to slam in a phone call.  I've legitimately been busy and she still manages to make me feel guilty....or at least I can see the ingrained tapes she's installed in my head.  If I was a "good" daughter, I'd make time.  I'd find a way in TWO days to make the time.  I'd prioritize her.  She just wants a little time with her grandsons.  Mean little daughter that I am I don't give her anything. 

And I have to work SO damn hard to reroute that thinking.  To not feel anxious and overwhelmed about needing to please my mom.  I can rationalize, that if our relationship wasn't so messed up, that a "normal" mom wouldn't take it SO DAMN PERSONALLY if her daughter can't get back to her immediately.   And while, obviously, there is some undercurrent to our current situation, it's because this is the way she's been my whole life.  She says jump and I'm expected to snap into place.  And if I don't, she assumes it is a personal attack on her.  It doesn't matter how legitimate my excuses are or what else I need to do, I'm expected to attend to her immediately. 

It's so hard to break these thought patterns.  I'm going to admit, there are still moments I wonder if I'm crazy.  Am I REALLY seeing the things I think I am?  Am I being over sensitive?  Am I reacting poorly to "normal situation" of a grandmother wanting to be involved?  I feel, often, like the sane person in the funny farm (I'm beginning to believe more and more that NSIS is also bi-polar, and I've been coming to terms with some realizations I've had about how depressed and broken my dad is.  I always knew he was, but I'm really facing reality.)  And then I struggle with MIL and BIL, and I think, again, it has to be me.  I'm just nuts.  Or can, they really ALL be messed up?  (And for the record, I'm clearly not totally OK or sane.  I mean I grew up in this shit, how could I be?)

It's so hard to not think I'm a bad daughter.  To not agree with the voice in my mother's head.  To argue against my "instincts" of what I've been taught to do.  To realize that if she wants to take me not calling personally, that's not on me.  It's just so damn hard sometime. Am I making this more complicated than it needs to be?

(And as an aside, MIL has managed to sneak some crafty shit in on me this week too.  Dang, can't a girl catch a break sometime?)

Growing Up (and out of Enmeshment)

My mother has always been taller than me.  By more than just a few inches.  She's also much bigger than me.  Not heavy, or overweight.  She's just big boned.  And I'm petite and lanky. 

So, it's been easy to always feel like adult and child.  Like she's the adult and I'm the child.  I've long struggled to feel grown up around her.

I remember before I really learned about narcissism, I never felt grown up.  I'm sure I've written about it before on here.  And I'm not talking about not feeling my age.  I had never felt grown up and autonomous.  I'd never felt like an individual person.  I felt silly putting on jewelry and dressing in more womanly clothes.   I always felt like other women around me had themselves much more put together than me. 

Slowly, as I learned about narcissism, my feelings of feeling like a child started to dissipate.  It was one of the first things I tried to do in order to change things around.  I started to feel more in control.  I tried to quiet the feelings of anxiety I felt whenever I didn't do what NM wanted.  I tried to remember that I was in charge of my life.  I tried to be content with making my own decisions and not worrying about what NM would think about it.  Or her reaction.  Or her retribution.  Because, really, she couldn't actually DO anything to me.  She's not like that.  The worse she does is guilt, and shame, and pout.  And I can ignore that.

But recent dealing with my mother have reminded me that becoming "un-enmeshed" is a lot harder than it looks.  Especially when the other person refuses, REFUSES, to acknowledge that you are a separate person. 

I had some family photos taken and I told NM that the photographer had put a few up, but that I would get more later.  I always give her a copy of all the professional photos I get taken and allow her to print from those.  But, apparently, she didn't want to wait for that this time.  She didn't ask if she could print any, didn't ask how to even get prints, but just copied them straight of FB to print.  And although it may seem like a silly thing, I felt violated.  Like she hadn't any respect for me as a grown ass woman of my own.  That those were MY photos that I had paid for, and although I was more than willing to share, she shouldn't just TAKE them.  That we are not this blob where everything belongs to everyone. 

She's always been like this.  I've never had privacy.  She's never respected my rights to keep some things to myself.  She's insisted, demanded, details on anything and everything she feels like.  Recently, my father came to visit and she's (slyly, in her mind) asked several times how the trip went.  I've refused to tell her because she's just trying to be snoopy.  She's not interested in how the visit went for ME, but is interested in my father (and his wife) and if my kids love him more than her.  And crap like that.

When she's in my home, she doesn't respect my privacy.  She feels free to wonder back to my bedroom, to come in when it's I'm trying to get away for a second.  She doesn't allow that my husband and I, as adults, may need some privacy to discuss things that are none of her business.  She'll but into conversations from another room "WHAT?!  What's going on?"  "Nothing" is not a good enough answer for her.  I've seen her linger in a room to listen to my husband on phone conversations.  They aren't private conversations, per se, but they have nothing to do with her and she's being rude, in my opinion. 

When she visits, I'm under constant surveillance.  If I leave the room, she wants to know where I'm going.  And why.  And when I'll be back.  She requires constant companionship when she visits.  If my husband spends time in the evening away from her and my step dad (as they sit and watch TV and search their phones.  It's not like they are offering conversation) she insists on knowing where he went.  On why he isn't spending time with them.  She doesn't take walks, or read a book, or offer to entertain herself in ANY way.  Even simple things like "I'm going to get the mail" are met with annoyingly shrill "THE MAIL?!?  Why would you need to get the mail NOW!"  Because I fucking want to, that's why.  And really, because the she is smothering me and suffocating me and I need some fucking air.  And she knows that's the REAL reason.  That's why she asks.  But I can't say that. 

She snoops through all of my FB stuff.  I can't comment on anyone else's things, or she'll know.  She stalks me in that respect.  Which, I really wouldn't care, but then she feels she has the right to ASK me about things she's learned by snooping.  It doesn't occur to her that if I don't offer information,  I don't want to discuss it with you.  After I posted a recent album of photos, she looked through it, at least, eight times.  Like in a row.  It just sort of creeps me out.  Like she's sucking some sort of weird supply by just looking at the photos.  It's obsessive, really. 

She snoops through my stuff.  My husband is sure she snoops through our mail and banking info and other things.  I've never caught her but I know it is a personal concern of her's that other people are snooping.  I always thought that meant that she'd respect OTHER people's privacy.  I'm sure it's just projection on her part: she snoops, so she believes everyone else does too. 

She used to snoop through my son's closet when he was born.  I'm sure she was checking to see if I was using the clothes she bought for him (she used to buy really "cutsy" outfits for him that were impractical for a newborn.  We argued often about it because I felt she was wasting her money.  She felt she was "being nice" and that I should be grateful.)

And when she's here, she sort of takes over as parent.  Like she's part of the "parenting team".  And I'm not talking about correcting the kids here or there, or keeping an eye out on them.  She wants to take over.  Once, when we went shopping I was trying to load up the stroller.  When I turned to get something else, she grabbed the stroller and took off.  She was bound and determined that SHE was going to be the one to push my kid.  As I called for her to come back, so I could finish up packing, she just kept going, faster and faster, ignoring me.  I finally yelled.  She came back, begrudgingly, and never apologized for leaving me behind (I mean the damn car doors weren't even shut before she barreled off).   She mimics me (literally) as  I say things to my kids.  For example: "It's time to come up for dinner, boys."  And before my kids even have a chance to respond, she starts in "Come on.  Come on.  It's time for dinner.  Let's go.  Hurry up."  It drives my older son nuts.  So much so, that he's told her that she doesn't need to "tell me things when my mom is here."  It happens constantly.  It's like having a parrot.  I feel like it not only undermines me, but gives the message that she thinks I'm not handling it right.  I don't need her "help".  She seems to think I do.  She parrots everything I say, steps in in front of my husband, and tries to take over.  It is so frustrating. 

She feels like (and tells me) that she knows me better than anyone.  She assumes she knows how I feel, knows what I will do, knows what I want.  She doesn't allow, at all, that she might not know the every crevice of my mind.  She does things, assuming she knows how I will do them.  In fact, she PRIDES herself on being able to know how I want things done.  The thing is, I often don't want things done like she does them.  And even if I do, a little respect, taking a backseat once in a while, communicating a desire to want to know how I like something, would go far with me.  But she can't give that to me.

And I've recently discovered how much like a child it makes me feel.  That it's hard to feel "grown up" when someone is constantly pushing your "autonomy" boundary.  When someone treats you like a child.  When someone feels that nothing you are belongs to you.  That your kids, your home, your life is all up for grabs.  That she is entitled to it all, without any respect due to me. That she can speak for me, make plans for me, and take from me without asking.    Enmeshment makes me feel helpless and smothered.  I feel claustrophobic and suffocated. 

I'm trying to figure out how to enact these last boundaries.  I've pushed her back in a lot of ways.  She doesn't go willingly.  In fact, she pouts and wallows in it.  But generally she does it away from where I can see it.  I've gotten a lot better at ignoring her blatant attempts to guilt and manipulate me.   But I don't know how to fully un-do the enmeshment.  I'm not sure exactly how I can fully be myself while she's trying to smother me and cover over me.