A Family Trip

We recently went to visit the city in which my sister lives.  DH and I both LOVE this city and haven't been there for four years.  It's been three years since I stopped having a relationship with my sister.

Ironically, I had encouraged my sister to move to this city.  It's a lot closer to our home than the other city she lived in.  She was in the same town as my father, but that wasn't healthy for either of them.  She was in an abusive relationship, wasn't thriving, and I thought that if she moved to a new town, a town that seemed more in sync with her personality, she could finally break free from her self destruction.  I'm sure no one will be surprised to learn that the move didn't fix much.

We had gone to this town several times over the years.   The last time, I took my newborn over to visit her.  Yup, that's how our relationship worked.  She didn't come to meet her new nephew, but I took him over there.  She had offered to come and help me during the birth.  But when I suggested that bringing her new (and abusive) boyfriend to meet me at the same time as I was recovering from a C-section and had a newborn was not a good idea, she suddenly chose not to come.

We had to keep the vacation a secret up until the last minute.  I did not want my NM to know that we went.  She would have laid on a ton of guilt.  She was here the weekend before we left and it was exhausting.  Not that there was anything really "bad" that happened, but it was constant ducking and weaving to avoid falling into her traps.

I was anxious going to the city.  It's a big city, but I was worried I would accidentally run into her.  I know that seems paranoid, but I just couldn't imagine what I would do if I did happen upon her.   DH asked what I would do.  Anxiety and fear popped up.  I imagined that it would not go well.  She would expect me to have a reaction (happy to see her), I imagine, that I knew I wouldn't have.  I feared that if I did see her, N-rage would come out and she would yell, curse, maybe even hit me if she saw me in person.  She has no self control with her emotions and lashes out and fearing her attacking me in front of my kids was not far fetched.  She cares not at all about the feelings and thoughts of my kids.

During the trip, I would relax when we were some place that I knew she would clearly not be.  But I kept scanning the crowd anytime we were in a more public area or in a neighborhood near where she lives.  I was afraid of pulling up next to her at a stop light.

Memories of our last trip over to see her contrasted sharply with this visit.  Before I even went the last time, I tried to establish some boundaries.   Our family was going for a vacation, not just to visit my sister.  We were happy to have her join us, but I didn't want to have things revolved around her.  I didn't want to pay for her for everything (she's in her 30s and capable of paying for things herself.)  When I tried to explain to my NM that we were going to do things outside of seeing my sister, she became upset, telling me that I needed to make sure my sister's feelings were at the forefront.  The fact that DH and I were taking our family, wanting to do some other things (that my sister wouldn't like), that I couldn't afford to pay for my sister to join us on our more "touristy" activities didn't matter to NM.

When we arrived in town, we headed for the beach.  It took my sister over an hour to meet up with us (I had a toddler and a newborn, but we worked on HER schedule) because she was at the courthouse.  Her boyfriend had struck her, been arrested by the police, and she was at the courthouse worried that he'd get sent to jail for it.  That was her primary concern, not that we had driven 8 hours to meet up with her.

The next day, we went out for dinner by ourselves, only because it was our anniversary.  Normal sisters would have offered to watch the kids so her sister could have a nice dinner.  But not my sister.  Not that I would have left my kids with her anyway.

We took the kids to the zoo.  My sister showed up in a crop top and daisy dukes.  And thin, flimsy flip flops.  An hour into the day, she was complaining about her feet hurting.  When we went to get the tickets to go in, she just stood back and let my husband pay for her's.  She didn't ask, but didn't offer at all.  She has this way of projecting entitlement: if she's going to "honor" you with her presence of coming (which I had tried to tell her she didn't have to come), you have to pay for that.  She would never spend HER money on something SHE didn't want to do in the first place.  She was doing us a "favor".   As I was used to taken care of her and NM often made me feel I had to pay for my sister, I did it.  At lunch, NSIS complained about the prices of the food.  Again, she could afford it (she showed up the day before in $200 boots), but she felt she shouldn't HAVE to pay for something that we wanted to do.  Despite the fact that I had told her many, many times that I knew it would be expensive for her and she didn't have to join us, she came anyway.  And made us pay for it.  Towards the end of the day she became really testy.  She gets irritable easily. I again encouraged her to go home, that we were perfectly fine with that.  But nope.  She stayed.  And made us miserable.

Later that day, we met her for dinner (at a place she chose).  By now the novelty of the kids had warn off.  The way she seemed so disconnected from them seemed odd.  I often got the feeling that she was always annoyed with my husband because he got too much of my attention.  She seemed the same way with the kids.  Like they were an inconvenience to her getting attention.  She started in on a diatribe about herself, her friends, her life.  She started ordering whiskey on the rocks with a beer.  Every round.  And she had a few.  And then, not surprisingly, she didn't even move when the bill came.  I always felt so badly when my husband had to pick up the check for her.  This wasn't the first time, and in fact, whenever we were around her, she just felt my husband should pay (I don't think she really connects that HIS money is my money.  It's like she feels she can take advantage of him, that he "has" money and so he "should" pay for her.  Thinking about the fact that we were paying a pretty penny to visit the city in the first place was not even on her radar.)  She grew bored with "family time" and went out to drink with her boyfriend for the evening.

Luckily, the next day we went and visited some tourist attractions, which is beneath her, and so we were spared from spending the time with her.  She came one more time to say goodbye.

The contrast between that last trip stood in such opposition to this trip.  Despite the anxiety of seeing her, I was much more relaxed.  I didn't feel torn between avoiding her rages and keeping her happy, and sacrificing my family's enjoyment and money and respect.  I didn't have to worry about her being snippy to my husband.  I could work around what my KIDS wanted to do, instead of what she wanted to do.  I didn't have to worry about her sharing things that were inappropriate for kids or swearing and cursing (her creepy boyfriend has a weird internet site that has a very vulgar cartoon image of a woman in outline.  She had a sticker of this on her vehicle.  I couldn't imagine having to explain that to my kids now.....and I wondered at the time how other people parked behind her at stop lights appreciated that image).    I didn't have to work around the creepy boyfriend or make small talk with someone who is a complete self absorbed schmuck.  I didn't have to explain why she chain smokes to my kids or worry about the example she would set by drinking so much.  We could go do "touristy" or just things we wanted to do while in the town without worrying about working around her.  I didn't have to worry about what she was going to tell my NM when we left (about how horrible I was, how my husband wasn't nice to her, blah, blah.)  I didn't have to worry about NM lecturing me about making sure my sister was OK and her feelings were foremost and her needs were met during the visit.  I didn't have to worry about her relegating my husband to "scenery" while she dominated all my attention and the conversation at the table.

I didn't miss her.  I didn't feel sad that I didn't see her.  I wasn't upset that I was so close to her and didn't visit.  At all.  It makes me sad that this is what it's come too, but looking back at the toxicity, the stress, the craziness that used to involve any visit with her, and I don't miss it at all.  I just don't see how I could ever go back to a relationship like that.

"She's beautiful, inside and out" (Or, why am I such a misfit)

Fellow blogger, Judy, often titles posts "Brain Dump" when needing to get something off her mind. This is going to be a "Heart Dump" post.  I just need to get some feelings off my chest so they quit festering.

While all of this stuff has been going on with MIL, I've seen her family hardly do anything to help her or my FIL out.  One BIL went down and actually helped.  We tried (twice) to stop by and see her.  Her GC, seemingly, had lakes to visit and other activities to do.  DH finally organized a trip for all of MIL's kids to come and see her.  That was it.

Yet, they continue to play big, happy family on FB.  (I know, I shouldn't look at FB.  They are all on "restricted" status, so I can't see if I don't look, but sometimes I get curious.  Plus, it keeps me in the loop, so I'm never taken by surprise by their antics.  It also helps to keep track of what they are lying about.)  They talk about "family" and hanging out together....yet, when BIL and SIL were up at a family vacation home, all I saw were tons of photos of the FRIENDS they took up (probably to show off).  One of our mutual friends describes it as BIL's "fan club", which seems about right.

It was SIL's birthday, and they all made a HUGE deal wishing her happy birthday.  Every one of them has an addiction to exclamation points.  (Seriously!!!! Everything they say is followed by them!!!!! I don't even think they know how to use periods!!!!!)  BIL said "Happy Birthday, Sis!!!"  She is not his actual sister.  He has NEVER referred to me as his sister.  In fact, he didn't even wish me a happy birthday this year.  Or the year before that.  He and SIL are not particularly close (although SIL and BIL are very dependent on this BIL for "advice".  They treat him sort of like a parent and he loves that they "look up" to him and "admire" him.  He likes that they maintain the image of himself that he has created.)  My other SIL, whom I used to be close too until I found out she sold me out repeatedly, made a big gushy thing about "can't wait to see you!!!!!".  I live five minutes from her house.  I haven't seen her in months (unless you count her crabby, pouty butt at my son's birthday party.  She was hung over and had all kinds of attitude about having to be there.)

I know it's an act.  I know that it's phony.  I know that I don't want any part of that bullshit.  And I refuse to play into their egos.  But it still upsets me.

My NM and NSIS just got back from a vacation they took together.  NM was in Vegas for a conference.  She had told me she was having my aunt come down and stay with her a few days.  She did not say that she was having my sister come down.  NM tells me all of her comings and goings, so to omit this information was intentional.  I got to find out on FB, when they started posting tons of gushy photos of the two of them gambling and drinking.    They kept saying how "beautiful" the other one was and how much FUN they were having, just the two of them.  I had no desire to be there (I took two "girls vacations" with them a decade ago.  Either my sister or I were crying the entire time.).  And I guess I probably should have appreciated not being put on the spot and asked to go.  But there seemed to be an insensitivity to their posting all their photos.  NM has repeatedly told me how "close" they are now (in the time that I've been NC with NSIS).  NSIS has been making such a big deal about what a "wonderful mom" NM is.  Although I don't think they were trying to send me a message by posting them, I can't help but think that they hoped I'd be jealous.  Or mad.  Or feel badly about it all.  That's just how they are (I know this, because I've seen NM do it to other people.)

I'm sure it's very phony (after the first drunken night and all of the posts, I saw nothing for the next few days until NM changed her profile photo to one of her and my sister.  The previous one for the past two months had also been of her and my sister.)  I've watched my mother "construct" posts before to make things look better than they are.  I wonder if their relationship is always as "happy" as they claim it to be (I'm not sure how it could be.  Before I went NC, they both complained about the other one often . I can't imagine that everything has changed in that time.  Although they certainly seem to want me to think so.  I wonder if they want me to believe it's BECAUSE I'm out of the picture.)

But it does hurt.  It irritates me and rubs me the wrong way.  But why?!?  Why do I care?  Why can't I let all of this go?  Why does it matter to me that they are continuing on with their charade (or maybe they all really believe they are "one big happy family....without Jessie".  I know partly it makes me doubt myself.  Like maybe if I tried just a bit harder, looked the other way when they pulled out their bullshit, let things go, I could handle it.  Or that maybe I'm just a fucking misfit and can't manage to fit in.  How can they all continue on like this?  Do they really think this is what "family" is?  Surface crap that doesn't actually extend to real love, compassion, or consideration?  The only one of my BILs (my husband's blood siblings) that acknowledges my kids on their birthdays is the one that has to (because his kids are invited to the party).   None of them acknowledge my DH on his birthday.  My sister has ignored my children since I put up the boundary that I would only speak with her on email and only after we addressed some of my concerns about our relationship.  She claims she LOVES them so much, yet does nothing of substance to prove it.  NM has never bothered to ask why I feel the way I do regarding my sister, has not asked if something is wrong with me (I mean, if your daughter pulled away from you, wouldn't you ASK if everything was OK).  NM actually doesn't ask about me at all.  When she does contact me, it's to bitch about my step siblings or talk about herself.  I know THAT is the reality of the situation, so why do these phony displays of love bother me so much?

I'm just so frustrated with myself.  I want to move on.  I want to not care.  I want to let them live their phony bullshit without me.  Why can't I?

Rage, then Anger, than Annoyance, and then Hurt

My NSIS, NM, and I have always been very enmeshed.  The relationships have always been very codependent.

As I described before, I was often the care taker or protector of my sister.  We were always together. We went to childcare together and I protected and took care of her there.  In social situations, we were always together.  Even now, when my father's family had a family reunion, she wanted to go with me (even though we hadn't spoken in over a year) because she needs me to buffer for her.   In some situations, she can be very friendly and out going.  Not so much in others.  We took the same dance classes and lessons (NM always put me into the age level of NSIS, so I was often with kids two years younger.)  My friends where NSIS's friends (but generally not the other way around).

My NM and NSis have a very love/hate relationship.  NSis and my father did not get along at all when she was a kid and NSis was very attached to NM.  NM always babied her and coddled her.  NSis always got to sit by NM on the couch when we watched TV (I was with my father).  Nsis always sat by my mother in restaurants.  NSis even had to sit behind my mother in the car (not my father because she didn't like him.)  NM helped with my sister's homework (as did I.  NM did not, generally help me) when she slacked off.  NM enabled my sister when consequences were in order.

NM always expected me to give to my sister (as the "luckier") one and enable her too.  When my sister would beat the hell out of me, biting, gouging chunks of my skin out with her nails, punching me, my NM blamed us "both" for fighting (even though NSis never had a scratch and I never hit her back.)  I was blamed if my sister didn't do her chores.  I was blamed if my sister did something she wasn't supposed to (the final straw of me moving out of NM's house was when she held me accountable for my sister taking off and me not being able to find her.  NM, of course, was spending the weekend at her boyfriend's house and put me "in charge".  If I'd come home without her, I'd also have been grounded.  My sister was rarely held accountable, by NM, of attacking me (other relatives and my father tried to help me, but NM undermined that often.)

NM has am million excuses for NSis's bad behavior: she's having a hard time, she is unlucky, she just can't catch a break, bad things just "accidentally" happen to her.  She just has a horrible boyfriend, no self esteem (something NM asked my to have my DH help my sister get by "supporting" her more.)  She gives her tons of money (which she justifies as fair because she buys my kids tons of -unwanted- toys and gifts.  Or because she has to spend four times as much on me for "gifts" -my kids and husband count in "my" total- and so it's fair to give my sister more.  I could care less about the money, but it speaks volumes to me.)  She makes excuses when my sister ignores me or forgets me or acts up (she's just jealous of you Jessie, you have so much and it makes her feel bad about herself, she has a lot going on right now, she has a hard time remembering things like birthdays.)

Every once and awhile NM would agree that my sister was treating me badly, but aside from a pitying look, she would then change the subject to how much my sister treats HER badly and how horrible it makes her feel.  How it's not fair that she has to "deal with NSIS" all on her own.  No one struggles as much to help NSis, no one does for NSis, no one knows how painful this all is for her.  I have counseled, consoled, and listened to NM's complaints.  For many years, I hated my sister for what she was "doing to my mother" (shortly after this, NSis and I compared notes - in the one period I thought we were on the same side -and found out NM blamed ME for all of her stress in life.)  Despite all I did for my sister, it never counted.

My sister is very dependent on my mother.  When my parents divorced, she got most of the attention for acting out.  She got ALL of the therapy.  She relies on my mother to give her money (when she went to visit my dying grandmother, my mother paid for it all).  She relies on my mother to help her out.  But she also gets very annoyed with her.  NM would visit her once a year (which NSis would complain about.  NM visited me four to five times a year at the time AND stayed in my home.  She would get a hotel - or end up in a hotel after they fought- at NSis's house) and NSis would complain it was too much to have her come more.  NSis would call complaining about my mother holding her back, not getting her, not being supportive, not being empathetic (when NSis's beloved dog died, NM couldn't talk to her on the phone about it because it upset NM so much. :P)  My sister rarely visited NM in her home.

Since my estrangement with my sister, NM and NSis have both claimed their relationship has gotten so much better.  They don't necessarily imply it's because I'm out of the picture, I think they think they have "worked on their issues" and that NSis is "getting better" (something I've seen no evidence of).  I think my putting up boundaries has just driven them closer together (and more codependent).  They act very lovey dovey on FB.  They are very defensive about each other.  While they can complain about each other, if I EVER said anything, I got criticized and put down for it.

My NM has had little concern over my feelings towards my sister.  She portrays me as holding a grudge, being resentful, and "giving up" on my sister.  She has never tried to understand my point of view, but rather pushed reconciliation.  Last year, she wrote me an email saying that everything was her fault and that I shouldn't hold NSis responsible for the mistakes NM made as a mother (what those mistakes where she didn't say).  When I explained that I had issues with the ADULT my sister was, NM dismissed me.  She has guilted, shamed, and pushed me to reconcile.  She even pulls out "you don't know how hard this is on me".  I have never felt understood or listened to about the situation.  In fact, she doesn't even ask about me.

I know that my father told my sister to back off last month and that I had some things I was working through (I wish my father hadn't said this, as NSIS took this as I had "problems" and then launched into trying to be the sympathetic caregiver to me, which came off as patronizing and condescending instead of really caring.)  I know NSIS told this to my mother (they have no confidentiality when it comes to me and tell each other everything.  NSis betrayed my confidence when I would complain about my mother (I thought we were sharing a common feeling, as NSis would also say the same things about my mother during the conversation.)  But NM has made no attempts to reach out and see if I am OK (just vague condolences about my grandmother -and then gossip about my father's family that she managed to obtain through manipulation).  I'm sure she'd justify that as "respecting my privacy".  But she doesn't respect my privacy at any other time, why now?

NM has twice in the past month -as tension with my sister has reached a new height- changed her profile photo on FB to one of her and NSIS.  Close together with their heads, laughing, prompting lots of "awes" and "you two are so sweet" and "so much love".  BARF.

I do not want to be on NM's profile.  I refuse to take the ridiculous selfies she forces on everyone else.  She used to use my children, but I put a stop to that too (I don't like their photos public).  I'm not jealous of the relationship they have together.  In fact, seeing photos of them like that reminds me of what it is like to be around them.  Lots of bitter tongues and gossip and complaining and drama mongering.  Few real conversations.  Lots of me trying my best to be supportive and never feeling like I could be myself.  The negativity that is the two of them "behind the scenes" is horrible.

But it strikes me as VERY insensitive of NM to keep changing the photo to one of her and my sister.  It almost implies to me that I am on the outside and they are on the inside.  That she has taken sides (which I've always felt).  When my sister was in town, fine.  But just randomly?  And it's not like NM posts tons of pictures of her with other people as her profile photo.  It's either NM or it's NM and NSIS.  And maybe she's just trying to force me to look at my sister and hoping it'll make me feel guilt/nostalgia/sadness or something.  I really could be reading too much into it but I've seen NM do things like this before to elicit reactions out of people.  She loves to bait.

Meanwhile, she's texting me, baiting me to support her in her latest endeavor (sort of "hey, look at me, this is what I'm doing.  You should be acknowledging it!!!")  I've always been the caretaker while NSis is the star and the pet.  And photos like that one just plain piss me off.  I go from rage, to anger, to very annoyed, and then finally hurt.

Maybe it's a good thing, as it reminds me of why I don't want to participate in any of this anymore.  (and BTW, I don't look at NM's FB page unless I have to anymore, but her profile photo is hard to ignore.)  But it is so painful to be aware of how little NM cares about my feelings in all of this.  How my well being is of little concern to her.  Now of this shocks me or surprises me.  And if I called NM on it, she'd twist it to say she's just "not picking favorites" and "loving both of my daughters".  Blech.

Mind Games

I am continuing to work through dealing with the narcissists and flying monkey's in my life.  Since starting therapy, I've had a lot of chances to let go of some of the anxiety and crazy making that I've been dealing with.  I've wanted to write but haven't even had a moment to write before something else has popped up.

Some quick updates: NM has been "maintaining" herself within in the distance I've put between us.  It is a very shallow, but cordial relationship at the moment.  She has tried to interfere in some aspects of my life, but I've been able to evade her.  Generally, NM can function in this state for awhile, but I know her resentment towards me will build.  It's no a matter of if she will "punish" me for keeping my distance, it's when.  She has been distracted by a major event in her life (a relatively good one for her, although she can make drama around anything) so I've been able to fly under the radar a bit.  Plus, I'm getting a bit of a "silent treatment" from her for not engaging enough in her event (fawning, asking questions, making her feel important) but I'm living with that.

I haven't seen MIL and FIL for two months.  (whoo-hoo!)  I think MIL is working temporarily and that's why.  I'm guessing my N vacation won't last long.  I am not looking forward to seeing her, but at least I've had a breather.

Recently my grandmother passed away.  It was a very sad situation and difficult in some ways.  But, I was able to process it and mourn for her.  It wasn't a close relationship, but I cared for her (she filled some holes in my life from NM).  In normal families, this would've been the point of focus.

Not in mine.  Of course, NSIS (and NM) used this opportunity to try and strong arm me back into a relationship with her.  In the course of a week and a half, NSIS contacted me 20 separate times.  Crying, cojoling, begging for support for her feelings about grandma (they had been estranged for 15 years due to NSIS verbally assaulting her in an email).  She guilted me ("at a time like this, we should be talking") and then attempted to shame me for "not trying".  One morning, she called or texted EIGHT times in half an hour trying to get me to respond.  I ignored them all.

The whole situation was very upsetting and anxiety provoking for me.  I was back having panic attacks and terrified I'd have to see her at the funeral (I didn't, thank God.)  I felt very pushed and pressured to "deal" with the situation I am in with my sister.

(A little background for those who don't remember; skip this if you read my blog regularly: my sister and I had a very enmeshed and codependent relationship.  I was put in the position of parenting her often.  She was a very temperamental child.  She was often violent - this was not just "sibling fighting".  I was often afraid of her.  She would fly into rages, not just at me.  Both my parents struggled with her too.  I was put in charge after school every day and all summer holidays long.  Her rage at me "controlling" her provoked her to often attack me.  I don't remember having many great, loving times with her.  In school, child care, and in activities I was to "protect her".  Even though she is socially engaging and can make friends, I was often her "protector".  To be fair, there were times she offered support or was kind, but it was few and far between.  During our teen years, NM divorced my dad and left me in charge of her more frequently.  She completely spiraled out of control.  She lied, stole (money and boyfriends), and continued to assault me.  She was interacting with very scary people and constantly was involved in violent and disturbing situations.  It was terrifying.  I had hoped as she grew older, things would get better.  They didn't.  She maintains her own home and has a job, but it is far below what she could achieve (she's always saying she's broke and needs help from my parents.)  She bounces from job to job to job because she can't maintain getting along with her boss' (they are always at fault because they are idiots).  She is involved in one abusive relationship after another.  Her life is more complicated and volatile and dramatic than a soap opera.  The list of crazy events and behaviors in her life is unbelievable.  She has continued to lie, manipulate, and rage when she doesn't get her way.  I tried to support her, tried to help her, often at the expense of myself, my kids, and my husband.  She gives very little back.  She thinks nothing of calling, drunk and hysterical in the middle of the night.  She often ignored important things in my life or minimized them (when my second son was born, she was supposed to come help me so I wouldn't be stuck with just NM.  She backed out when I said she couldn't bring her abusive boyfriend -whom I had never met - because I was having a c-section and a new baby and couldn't deal with a house guest (not to mention, she and her last boyfriend had had a significant confrontation at my home the time before and he left her 700 miles from their home).  I could go on and on, but bottom line is, I think she is narcissistic and has border line.  After her letting people believe she had cancer, but never actually letting me know, she screamed at me for not "supporting her".  This led to a break in our relationship.  I tried to communicate in an email that things needed to change (my therapist, who I read the email to said I was kind, thoughtful, and couched everything as nicely as I could.)  She responded with rage and hostility and passive-aggressiveness.  Since then, she has tried to hoover me and to "play pretend" that our relationship just had a little hiccup and that we could go back to the way things were.)

At this point, I'm at a loss as how to proceed with her.  DH suggests that, if I really think I can't have a relationship with her that I "declare" full NC.  These moments when she comes at me, demanding interaction are very stressful and traumatizing.  The therapist also sees NC as the answer.  I have been afraid in the past of declaring anything, as I didn't want to provoke her rage and I was struggling enough with my relationships with NM and MIL.  I have finally "confessed" everything to my father (he knew nothing of my extreme anxiety, the whole of the situation, and is often in the dark about my sister's true nature.  She's very good at hiding lots from him.  That was part of my anxiety, the secret keeping I had to do for her.)  My NM has suggested that I have "given up on her" and that NM would NEVER give up on a family member.  NSIS has been telling people that I'm just being stubborn and resentful and unwilling to "try".  I have been accused of not responding to her attempts to "make amends".

I've been struggling as how to proceed.  In reading the emails, my therapist says she can see how I clearly stated what I needed and that my sister just didn't hear me, but instead blamed me and attacked me.  The therapist sees no point in rehashing and feels nothing will change with my sister.
I am feeling it is all sort of unresolved, even though factually, I can see that I have tried to resolve it.  But I also wonder if I need to clearly state "don't call me, don't text, don't contact me."

And then some of me keeps feeling a pull to not go full on NC.  I've created a very small crack for her to allow her opportunities to get back into my life (through email only, she has not emailed me, only texted and called).  I know that I have this little bit of hope in there that she will see the light (she has had fleeting moments of clarity about our mother and our childhood in the past).  I'm terrified for her future and what will happen when my parents die (I do NOT want to take her on but I don't know how she can continue on with the life she leads as she enters the second half of her life.  She's in her mid-30s now).  I have always felt a very maternal feeling towards her and I often feel she is like my child (in fact, she has often felt that she is more important to me than my children and that she has priority or is at least equal priority as they are.  Rationally, I know she is a GROWN woman and they are children and as such, I need to care for them over prioritizing caring for her.)

As I left the office this morning, trying to figure out why I just can't let go, several things dawned on me.  The therapist can't seem to comprehend why I don't believe I'm doing the right thing, why I think I'm wrong, why I feel so guilty.

But I feel like I'm abandoning her (like a child).  I see her as helpless and desperately in need of support.  She has very few people to support her.   I know that NM abandoned us and it was one of the most devastating things for the both of us.  I know the pain it causes to be abandoned by a family member and I know she is in pain because I have "chosen to abandon" her.   I feel  I am no better than NM; that when the "going got tough" I walked away.  

Something in my head says that I'm a bad person, a bad sister.  That I must be weak if I can't be strong for her.  That she is suffering and I should be able to sacrifice some of my own comfort (of which, many believe, I have lots: a nice home, a comfortable life, good kids, a nice husband) to help out my poor sister who just has been dealt a bad hand in life.  I must be a weak, pathetic person if I can't help her through her struggles.  OR, I'm mean.  Or selfish.  Only someone who is selfish would "give up" on her family member.  We are supposed to be there for each other.  If you can't count on your family, who can you count on.  She needs me and I have ABANDONED her.  I'm selfish, uncaring, heartless person who just is too weak emotional (i.e. neurotic) to deal with all of this.

I know these are irrational thoughts.  When I look at it objectively, none of this makes sense to me. OF COURSE I am not abandoning her.  She is a grown woman and I'm only expecting her to act like one.  I am expecting her to take some responsibility for her life, her choices, and her emotions.  I am expecting her to grow up and learn how to handle herself.  I am not leaving her pathetic and helpless on the side of the road.  She is not helpless.  She is not a victim (no matter how hard NM tries to convince me she is.  No matter how much NSIS believes she is a victim.)

NSIS's issues with abandonment are not my problem.  I can not resolve them for her.  I can not love her enough to make that go away (Lord knows, I have tried).  How she chooses to receive my behavior towards her is not my responsibility.  I can not change that.

I am not weak for refusing to continue to be a part of this dysfunction.  I am not a weak person.  They do not get to determine my worth and my value.  They do not get to judge me as selfish.  It is not selfish to refuse to live in toxicity and abuse.  I am not being selfish.  I am not giving up.  I'm making new choices for me.

I can sit with the reality.  I can think through it all in my head.  My heart is a much different problem.  I can not switch off these old loops of tapes.  The tape that says "if you really loved them, you'd suffer for them.  If you really loved them, you'd do what you could to help, even if it cost you a bit.  If you really loved them, you'd toughen up so that you could support them without it getting to you so much."

I'm really not sure how to work this all out.  The therapist suggests early trauma recovery work.  I'm not so sure if that's the only way.  I'm not sure how to convince myself that I'm not a bad person who is just being resentful and refusing to try.   I'm exhausted from puzzling through this.  I'd really just like to move forward but I feel like I'm stuck in a bog.

A Conversation with a Narcissist (or 2)

My grandmother is terminally ill.  My aunt and uncle have arranged for a family holiday at their home so we can all get together (I assume, one last time, before she passes).  My father called to invite me.  I assumed he would also invite my sister.  She generally doesn't attend family get togethers, but she always makes a big dramatic scene about how she can't afford it (probably true) and that she'd have to take unpaid leave from work (she has a job where you don't get time off with pay).  We all know she isn't going to go, but she makes a big deal about wanting to go.

I hadn't decided if I was going yet, as it is a VERY long drive and would be a VERY difficult trip for my family.  However, my father's family always got together for this holiday when I was a child, I would, like to see them, and I had a chance to say goodbye to my grandmother (although I've made peace with the fact that I probably wouldn't).  My father called me last Friday and was considerate about not pressuring me to go.  He just wanted to let me know.

Yesterday, I received a text from NM (please remember this woman has NOTHING to do with my father's family, except on FB and that this is NONE of her business).  I will paraphrase some of the dialogue for anonymity's sake, but will try to be as close as possible:

From NM: Just a quick question.  Are you going to (town) for (holiday)?

Since my visit to NM's a week or so ago, she has not let up on the texts and messages.  I've received several a day, which is annoying at a minimum.  I REALLY DISLIKE when she starts something with "just a quick question" and then gives me know background content as to why she is asking these questions.  She clearly has an agenda, but apparently thinks she doesn't owes me any explanation and that I should just offer up information.  This information is NONE of her business.  And I can easily guess her agenda: my sister.  The only way she can know about this get together from my sister.  Last summer, for another family reunion, NM had also texted to try and get me to pick up NSIS (at a larger city) and drive her and her (scuzzy) boyfriend (in my already loaded car) to the reunion and let them stay with me.  FAT fucking chance.  

I didn't need a crystal ball to predict that is exactly what she wanted this time.  

I replied: I don't know.  Why?

I immediately got a response back that said something like "NSIS is trying to figure out if she can go.  It'll cost $700 for each plane ticket (meaning boyfriend would go too) and she'd have to take unpaid time from work which would be expensive.)

This pissed me off.  Remember folks, my sister and I have not spoken in TWO YEARS, aside from her occasional verbal assaults, abuse, and harassment that I let "this go", "get over it", or general name calling and verbal abuse that usually leaves me emotionally wrung out, anxious, and tense.  These feelings (and her horribly toxic, awful lifestyle) and a last straw were the reasons I chose to take a break from our relationship.  Despite several tense email sessions in which she basically accused me of being the source of all of the problems, we haven't really communicated.  NM has tried guilting me into "forgiveness" and even last week acts like nothing is going on between me and my sister.  The last communication I had from my sister was two weeks ago in the form of an abusive message in which she called me tons of names because of some comment on FB (which did not warrant the shaming and tongue lashing).

I REALLY can not get past my mother's delusions that I would be in any position to grant a favor to my sister and help her out.  First, NSIS is a grown ass woman who's poor career choices have caused her to be perpetually "broke" (although she always has tons of money for clothes and alcohol).  WHY in the world would I want to be in a car with this person whom I have NOT SPOKEN TO in two years?  Who would that go?  Just a hug and a cry and it's suddenly all better?  And more than that, WHY is my mother feeling she needs to arrange all of this.  She is so out of her boundaries, it's lunacy.    Not to mention, she clearly thinks I'm so stupid that I didn't see her "set up" coming.  That's just annoying.

I reply (because I am acting more "boldly".  The therapist's word.):  What does that have to do with me?

She replies: Nothing really.

I reply:  Then why did you ask me if I was going and why did you tell me about NSIS?

This halts her in her tracks and is not what she expected from me.  I don't get a response for over an hour and a half.  Then this comes in:

She replies: Just being snoopy.  And I don't know why I volunteered the information  about NSIS.  Just making conversation that in hindsight didn't need to be said.

BULLSHIT.  Notice that NM's tone switches her to her (she works in a field where you have to use politically correct terminology and be careful about how you speak.  To me, I can clearly hear her tone switch to "work NM" and switch on damage control.  She's become cold, calculated, and disconnected from me.)  Notice too that she NEVER really seems to care about me, my feelings, or what I want.  I admit, it bothers me immensely that my perspective doesn't even register in her brain.  She just plain does not care, which is hurtful (although expected.  I'm not surprised by this at all.)

Then, NSIS texts about 15 minutes later.  I'm guessing NM told her that she'd need to put on her big girl panties and make arrangements with me herself (and again, the LUNACY of these two women that this is even an option blows my mind.  I feel very pressed upon, very ignored, and very annoyed.  And very confused.  How do they compute this in their brain?  How do they make this work?  I would NEVER think of calling my sister for anything right now.  

NSIS texts: Are you going to (town) for (holiday)?  Just talked to Dad today.

WTF?  Why would she think she is in a position to ask me that information?  And what does it have to do with her?  (I know, she wants something from me, but does she not see that I see that?)  The audacity to think I would even respond to this blows my mind.  It's like nothing has happened, like they expect I'll finally just quit throwing a "hissy fit" and "move on".

I chose to ignore this text.  It is none of her damn business anyway.  Several hours later, I get this text:

From NSIS:  Jessie, this has gone on to (sic.) long.  I miss you and I am so sorry for hurting you.  I need you most right now.

Allow me to interpret this for you:  Jessie, I've grown impatient with your bullshit.  I'm stamping my foot and DEMANDING that you get over your shit.  Because I think I have to, I'll offer you a token apology, some platitude about hurting you and then I can claim I've been the "bigger person" and apologized.  And now, to my REAL point,  I need something from you, I need you to go back to being my cheerleader and support, I need you to give me what I want from you.  It's all about ME.

For the record, this "this is enough" shit really, really, really annoys me.  Like she has any right to tell me what I need to do (and seriously, this is the most emotionally unstable person I know.  That she thinks she has some sort of moral authority to determine when I should be "done" feeling the way I do irritates me.)  After two years, a simple "I'm sorry I hurt you" is supposed to cover it?  And really, this isn't about hurting me.  I'm not holding onto some grudge (which is NM's and NSIS's projection because that's what THEY do.)  I've moved away from a destructive, toxic relationship when I finally couldn't take it any more (that last straw, DID hurt me.  But, it was preceded by so much other shit and surrounded by so much other shit that it just enlightened me to the whole of the craziness).

And mostly in that text I hear: me, me, me, me, me.  I need something from you, I have unmet needs from you, I have something I want from you.  And the thing is, she ALWAYS wants something from me.  This whole business of "I need you most right now." is such a ploy.  She ALWAYS has a reason she needs me, some chaos, some drama, some bullshit.  And notice, she doesn't actually say WHY.   If it's that big of a deal, why hasn't anyone told me?  They can solicit rides but not tell me about life changing events.  (and if it really is that life changing and they actually DIDN'T tell me, well, doesn't that speak volumes?)  And do I really care?  No.  I no longer want to play nursemaid to my sister who refuses to actually DO something about things.  And just curious if it enters her brain at all that I could use some support, a sisterly talk, someone to lean on.  NOPE.  I'm expected to not have any needs.

I am choosing to ignore this for now.  I talked it out with DH, as I would really like to reply to her somehow (but seriously, am I supposed to do this in a text?  What kind of response was she really expecting.  "Um, OK.  I'm all good now.  What can I do for you NSIS?")  The things I'd like to say are:

This is about much more than me holding a grudge.
I haven't seen any reason to believe our relationship going forward will be any different than what it was in the past and that is unacceptable to me.
There is little room in any of these conversations for my needs, my feelings, and my concerns.  And if no one else will take that into consideration, than I'll have to do that for myself.
I have needed time to sort through this and it will not be resolved in the next three weeks (by the time she needs the ride).


Beyond that, I would love to say how asinine it is to think that this all could just go away with a simple "I'm sorry."  Their level of delusion and crazy is actually quite startling to me.  I don't see how they see this going other than reconstructing reality and deciding to just play pretend and travel back in time.

Unfortunately, I can not think of any email (no matter how carefully worded) would yield any positive results.  Almost any email I send will be reacted to defensively and I will be attacked for it (the last attempt I tried ended exactly in this way).  I have seen NO evidence that anything has changed with her and I can not reasonably believe the outcome will be any different from the last time.  This is still a woman (child) that believes it is perfectly appropriate to reduce me to emotional putty, slay be with verbal shrapnel, and then go back to normal like nothing happened and ask me for a favor.  I can't see sending an email as any more than an opprotunity for her to gain ammunition and attack me in return (I feel her anger at me is boiling just below the surface.  She can pull out her "vulnerability" and plead to my conscious and my concern for her.....this used to be much more effective with me, as I always had such compassion for her that I'd do anything to help her.   But I know that Jekyll/Hyde mask is just below the surface.  And despite her wanting to "let it all go" I know her anger and resentment is tucked away for the right time to unleash it.


Any thoughts, friends?  Any advice on how to handle this?  I'm guessing it's far from over and that ignoring her will only infuriate her more.  But I just don't see what response would actually yield something positive for me?  Why anger the beast?

Any and all thoughts are welcome.

Burying the Hatchet

NM arrives today for the weekend (for kiddo's birthday party).  She'll be here an extra day this time.  I'm trying not to be anxious.

I'm feeling so much better about her coming.  Well, not about her coming, but I'm handling myself better.  Still, the thought of all weekend with NM (and sprinkles of MIL too.  Lucky me!) is dire.  I'm trying to remember that allowing them to suck all of the happiness and joy out of me is letting them control me.  That I am still allowing them to be the center of my attention and focus, even if it is for negative reasons.

I'm guessing too that NM will bring up my sister and I'm not looking forward to that.  I've been thinking a lot about my sister lately.  I saw a picture she posted of herself and NM, with the caption "love my mama!"  I think this is odd, as she didn't ever call her "mama".  NM posted photos a month back of her trip to see NSIS with the caption "with my baby!  Happy mama!"  This whole "mama/baby" crap made me want to vomit.  It was a very visual representation of the relationship they have with each other: a mom and her BABY.  Not her grown, adult, in her 30s daughter.  But her BABY.

Looking at the photo, I was struck by how much I DO NOT miss being in their relationships.  They are both snuggled up, giggling.  I remembered how silly, infantile, and gossipy their relationship is.  Goofy, and not in a good way.   I always felt so out-of-place making myself behave that way.  Sure, I can act silly, but I often felt like we were teenage girls instead of grown women.  I do not, can not, go back to being like that.

And the thing is, I do not miss my sister.  What would their be to miss?  The drama, the chaos?  The fear?  I remember very few times I had a good, relaxed time with my sister.  I always felt on edge.  Always worried she would blow.  Always concerned she would get angry and freak out.  And now that I have kids, I can not risk that anymore.  I can not risk her screaming at her boyfriend and having a huge fight in front of them (like she did the last time she was at my house).  I can't risk her screaming at me.  I can't risk her playing with them and then becoming "bored" and focusing on herself (like she did when my OS was an infant/small baby).   I tried so hard to convince myself I enjoyed her company.  But I rarely did.

And the thing is, NM just does not get that.  She continues to believe/tell herself/project that my sister and I just had a "spat".    She recently mentioned a family reunion next summer in which she hopes me and my sister would both go.   She had hoped my sister and I would both attend a "family photo shoot" this past summer.  I just don't get it.  How in the world does she think that will go?  That we will just show up, fall into each other's arms and all will be OK?  I know, for the photo shoot, she had some fantasy that we would come together "for her (NM)", put our "pettiness" aside for the "bigger picture" and all that b.s.   I wondered how she thought we could just show up, after not talking for two years, almost three, and suddenly stand in a photo together like one big happy photo.

After she mentioned the reunion, I was feeling panicked and pressured.   Sure, I'd like to see some of these relatives (although there isn't much "family" about this family.  It's all scattered, dysfunctional, and tense.  At my grandmother's funeral, everyone kept their distance and never got together afterward, just went off in separate directions.)  But I just couldn't fathom how I could be around my sister.  The odds of her flying off shift on me would be HUGE (I mean the powder keg of ammunition against me is huge.  Even if NSIS came with the intent to get along, I know how easily I could piss her off and she'd lose it.  I don't really feel like having a conversation about her estrangement amongst a bunch of relatives I hardly associate with.)  And I can't just go be "buddy-buddy" and pretend everything is OK.  Two summers ago, NM tried to push me into picking up my sister and her boyfriend and bringing them to another family reunion (and provide them a place to stay with us).  We hadn't talked in a year at that point.  I wondered WHY NM thought I had that responsibility or should accept it. 

I know NM thinks I need to "forgive and forget" and that "life is short" and every other platitude that glosses over the reality of it.  The fact is, I HAVE tried everything to have a relationship with my sister.  I forgave, forgot, forgave, forgot and forgave again.  Over and over and over.  For things that my sister never apologized for and never really felt remorse for.  Things she never even admitted doing: stealing from me, allowing others to steal from me, beating me up, sleeping with my boyfriends.  I excused and forgave her for all the times she directed the spotlight away from me: on my wedding, during the birth of my children, when I moved into my new home.  Every single time she created drama or a scene or somehow stole the spotlight and focused it back on her.  And I forgave her.  I used all of NM's excuses for NSIS: she's jealous and doesn't know how to express it, she feels left out, she doesn't understand, her life has been hard lately, she didn't MEAN to hurt you, it's hard for her to see you get all of these things and makes her feel badly about herself......you get the idea.  I excused her over and over and over.  I thought I could help her "get better" and then, if I could just tough it out, we'd finally have the relationship I hoped for.  Or any relationship other than the one we have.  At least one where NSIS seemed to give a shit about me.

I spent the better part of THREE decades "trying".  In all of this time, NSIS did very little to contribute to our relationship.  She continued to take whatever she could get off of me (that she felt entitled too, as I am supposed to "support" NSIS as I am her sister).  She allowed me to pay for a lot, called in the middle of the night (screw the fact that I had work the next day), called and bitched for hours but never once asked about me or my kids.  She would ignore my husband or kids whenever she felt threatened that they might take up some of my attention.   During times I could have used her support, she dangled it out there, but then yanked it back, saying it would be too much for her to take off work/spend money to visit/ call me.  And I let that go.  I accepted whatever crumbs my sister wanted to throw at me and called them a feast.  And in return I helped her whenever and however she needed me.  (Sure, I wasn't ALWAYS there like NSIS would claim I should've been, but I really tried as hard as I could to do everything I could.)

And, in the end, the relationship was the same as it always was.  Lopsided, off balance, and toxic.  I do not miss the stress and the drama.  I don't miss the fear of hoping she'll behave in front of my friends and family at important times in my life.  I am not sad she is not at my sons' birthdays.  She's mean and glares at people and can be intimidating.  She is Unfriendly.  I don't miss having to gloss over that and pretend she's not that way.  I don't want to go back to the fear that she will hurt me or verbally abuse me (especially in front of my kids).  I don't want to go back to my kiddos seeing me cry when I get off the phone.  I don't want to go back to hyperventilating every time she called, as I never knew what to expect (some new HUGE crisis, or a verbal tongue lashing, or a lengthy discussion about how hard her life is while I tried- in vain- to console her.)

NM just doesn't get that.  And I don't think she's every cared to ask me how I feel, what I need, or what my concerns are.  Her concerns have always been for NSIS and doing what I can to placate NSIS.  I think NM secretly fears NSIS going further off the deep end and expects me to help "anchor" NSIS....or at least, not provide provocation.  I'm tired of stuffing myself down in order to prop up NSIS.  And I don't want to do it anymore.   And there is no way to explain that to NM.  Sigh.

Same is Ever

I think ACoNs have a sixth sense about when the narcs will circle.  Really, it's not a sixth sense, but an incredible ability to "feel" the storm coming before it hits.  Much like you can feel a thunderstorm coming before it arrives: the air changes, you can feel a "charge" in the wind, distant rumblings.  All the birds go quiet.   ACoNs have learned to pick up on these subtle clues and patterns.  Even if we don't fully realize it, we start to feel a sense of unease about things.

These last few months I've been really sorting through some deeper layers of feeling about my mother.  It was one thing to learn about narcissism and see the patterns, it was another to really feel my feelings about my relationship with my mother.  To get past the grief and  mourning and really have to acknowledge that she is who she is and will not change.  To fully see, without blinders, how willingly she puts me in harm's way to save herself.  How completely she disregards me as if I was completely invisible.  A specter, a ghost that she thinks she sees, but really has no ability to see me as a real person. 

Some of this has been triggered by events in my life and finally seeing how emotionally unavailable she is to me.  Some of it has been triggered by, finally, reading the McBride Book "Will I Ever be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers."  (I know, why haven't I read it before?  Really, though, I think that it is more helpful now than it would've been if I'd read it first.)

Some of it has been triggered by my mother's behaviors.  She has been, not so subtly, referencing my sister over and over.  She brings her up in almost every conversation of length we have.  Not directly, but just casual, "oh, your sister talked to so and so."  Or including me in "group texts" that also include her.  Most recently, she sent me a picture of my sister's new couch.  Considering my sister and I have not spoken to each other in two years, this text was completely inappropriate in that context.   When I didn't respond, she sent another text, saying she'd "sent the wrong picture" of the couch.  What in the world did she expect me to say to that?

For those of you who don't know my back story (and you can go to the bottom and click the NSIS label to see posts pertaining to her, if you are interested in a more detailed version): my sister is  highly self-destructive, most-likely bipolar with narcissistic overtones, verbally abusive, irresponsible, reactive, and angry.  She is thoroughly enmeshed with my mother.  She lies, manipulates, and is extremely reactive.  Any attempts to really communicate with her are raged against, so true intimacy and connection are impossible.  I spent years and years trying to "help" her, only to be completely disregarded, upstaged, and ignored when it wasn't about her.  She has ignored (or created chaos) around the most important days of my life and nothing has every been about me with her.  I have been her support system and I am a "tool" to be used by her, a "resource".  My mother has always excused her and expected me to appease her despite my sister's escalating behaviors.   Because I have "turned out OK" (I don't act out on my emotions) my mother has always minimized and invalidated any feelings.  In any attempts I have had with my mother to address my issues with our relationship, she has gas lighted and twisted the conversation to make herself the victim.  My feelings and point of view have never truly been addressed or acknowledged by either of them. 

This all came to a head when my sister "announced" she had a very serious illness on FB, but then quickly deleted it.  Enough people saw it, that it got back to me, but my sister never told me directly (and "the illness" is still up for debate in regard to it's severity and if it existed at all.)  My sister finally "called me out" after two months for "not supporting" her during her time of need and it quickly dissolved into her screaming and raging at me (she'd been screaming and raging and lying to my father.)  I tried in successive emails to begin a discussion about how dysfunctional our relationship was.  She continued to rage, call me names, ignore my boundaries (only discussing by email), gas lighted, twisted, demeaned me, and then tried to "play pretend" and go on as usual (by asking my advice on a new bed she was buying -while taking money from my father to pay for her "bills" .)  I'd had enough and chose to not continue the discussion.  I was at a lose on how to proceed, as she doesn't seem to understand anything I say.  I haven't really heard from her in months, and that was only a text of "Merry Christmas".  She has sent random gifts to my kids (whom she sometimes acknowledges, sometimes doesn't and who she considers more of an extension of me than someone to have a relationship with), but only to one kid for his birthday and not the other.   All of this seemed like lame attempts to "pacify" me. 

NM and I have had a "cooling off" lately (mainly on my end) where I have remained detached in our communications.  I'm not ignoring her, but I'm not really actively pursuing a relationship.  After the situation yesterday (see previous post), I emailed her to figure out her schedule (and she again ignored that I was upset about something and blew me off, not that I expected her to do that.)  Last night, I got this message: (And I usually don't like to directly copy messages, but in this case, I don't think the true nature of the message can be conveyed without the direct text.  A few minor details have been concealed. My thoughts are in italics afterward. )


"Hey do you still have all those albums(records) from the 70's that your dad and I had."  The "old" me would've said just "yes" and left it at that.  But something in me told me that she was baiting me, and this time I decided to address that directly. And I actually couldn't remember if I had them.  NM gave me boxes of old shit of her and my dad's years ago to "store" that she did not "want in her house anymore.  This included all of the family photos of me and sister growing up. 

Me: "Did I have them? If I did, I still would have them. Why?"

NM: "Well stupid question on my part, of course you have them. Lol  (NSIS) has been buying old albums, and asked me if I had them still and if so she would like a few. Now that was not the best proper way to bring this up, but it is the best I know how. I don't remember what is in the inventory, except the good bad and the ugly.. I want that one, fits me. Lol. I think a (record title),  (band name) album was there too.. I told her I am sure they can be spit up between you two..I am trying to write this the best I can, it is just hard when my daughters are not in contact with each other and I am the root of the problem. Please don't blame (NSIS) for the decisions she made in her life that were made because of my wrong decisions"

So, first, it occurred to me how easily I would've "missed" this bait line before.  How she throws these things out there, hoping to snag me in a conversation and not just being upfront.  And she is clearly aware of that.

Some other thoughts:

Why not just say "Do you have those records?  If so, your sister wants some and can we divide them up."  Done and done.  But NOPE, she has to stir up drama and bring it back to our relationship.  To me, I bet she's been looking for this opening for a LONG time. 

Her continual "not the best way" business is annoying as hell.  Of course it's not the best way.  It's late at night, in a FB message, and not really relevant to what she wants to say.   And the "it's just hard when my daughters are not in contact" is clearly ALL ABOUT HER.   And then she says that she is the "root of the problem".  That's news to me.  She never takes responsibility.  And I don't think she really is now either.  If she wanted to take responsibility, or really discuss this, it wouldn't be tacked on to a fucking message about old records.  HOW is she the root of the problem?  Does she seem sorry?  NO.  It appears to me to be only a "victim" plea.

Then, she goes back into the same sort of bullshit, "don't blame NSIS, she knows not what she does."  This is the same story I've heard over and over and over.  Nothing is NSIS's fault.  Which is A LOT of the reason NSIS is in the situation she is in now.  NM has always infantilized her and never held her accountable.  And I'm supposed to just "excuse" that.  I might add that my sister is in her MID- THIRTIES.  Far too old to be blaming "mommy" for her problems.

And really, even if I accept that excuse, where does that leave me?  I see so much blame shifting here.  So much avoidance of responsibility.  Smoke and mirrors.  And triangulating. 

I thought, for one moment, that she was actually trying to make an attempt to change.  And that sort of sucked too.  After spending years trying to get past her, I wasn't keen on jumping back into that mess.

The whole message left me rolling my eyes.  This, in and of itself, was a huge step for me.  I felt mild annoyance, but not anger, not venom, not bitterness.  I felt clear headed and unemotionally charged when I typed up my response. 

Me: "(NSIS) has been a grown woman for a long time now, and any and all decisions she makes are by her own choices. We are not in contact now because she chooses to hurt me, disrespect me, and shows little consideration for me. Among other things. And it is a pattern that I have hoped would change as she grew up. It did not.

That being said, she is welcome to any and all of the records. I have told her before that I would give everything back to you and that you could then split it up. When you come down, you can grab them."

I was trying to be as "neutral" and "just the facts, ma'am" as I could.  I didn't want to JADE, but wanted to be clear about my position on my relationship with NSIS.  And frankly, I couldn't ignore the situation forever and stick my head in the sand.

NM replied:  "Awwww..., I didn't want this to go this way...and it is really not about me. They will be split..I really do thank you for storing them, and it was wrong for me to put that on you. I really do apologize. .. Not asking you to forgive just know I am truly sorry.."


Go which way?  WTF?  I can see, maybe how she might have read "anger" in my reply, but it is a bit of a stretch.  To me, she is "finding drama" in the message.  And subtly suggesting I'm being reactive.  And what did she expect me to say?  To just "soften" and let "go of my grudge" (which I think is how she views this.  That I'm just holding a grudge and that it can be all patched up with hugs and an apology.  This relationship has gone off the track for 30 years.  And it wasn't great to begin with. 

And apologize for WHAT?  Seriously, this is the lamest apology in the world if she is expecting it to make up for all the crap all these years.  And really,  I suspect she's apologizing for me storing her shit, and not for anything real.  "I'm not asking you to forgive...." Really?  I doubt that.  And "truly sorry" for WHAT? 

Then, she topped it off with this:

NM:  "(NSIS) has been getting help for her choices and life decisions this past year, and I pray she has the life ahead she truly wants. ..I can't judge her for her decisions, as I know as more come out her reactions and choices for her life in the past were due to my immature decisions and how she reacted were different then how you reacted. Not to say you ever went without hurt and hardship, you handled them different. and not to stay you don't still don't have pain...I am not excusing (NSIS) nor is she excusing her decisions because of what I did, I just know things would be different if I had not made stupid choices. I hurt every day to what I caused...and never ever wanted to hurt my daughters or their relationship with each other..I hope someday you reunite. Love you!"

OK, starting from the top of this: NM starts out immediately minimizing NSIS's behaviors and "balancing" them out by saying she is "getting help".  Getting help from who?  The last time she told me that NSIS was getting help, NSIS was just doing yoga.  And that was supposed to "help".  And from what I've seen (several crazy FB posts that were completely nuts) NSIS hasn't changed at all.  And even if she has, she has made NO attempts to actually work on our relationship.  And also, that is NSIS's place to reach out, NOT NM's.    "I can't judge..." I'm assuming that she is implying that I am judging NSIS.  Clearly, by choosing to step out of NSIS's narcissistic reach, I am being judgmental and bitter, according to NM.  "as more comes out....due to my immature decisions."  Immature?  WOW, that's a complete mischaracterization.  You've all read my childhood, was she just "immature"?  Again, sounds like excuses, just for NM this time.   And the whole sentence there is convoluted.  SHE won't judge and SHE knows the "real truth" and if I knew that "truth" (which she likes to withhold, but clearly likes to hint at.  NM likes to be "in the know".) I wouldn't be so horrible and "hold it against" NSIS (and again, she's ignoring the fact that NSIS continually and habitually does horrible things to me).    The next bit about how NSIS just "chose to react" differently and all she says about my pain and hardship feels completely minimizing to me.  Like "I know you had some bad times, but CLEARLY NSIS's were worse.  And so you need to get over it and help her."  It's all about NSIS's issues, and mine couldn't clearly be as bad, and aren't worth talking about and it's the same as it ever was.  This is the same. damn. pattern of our relationship that we've always had.  Jessie's feelings, pain, issues, hardships don't really count.  And while she "nods" in my direction, she doesn't really give a shit about what is really going on in my end of this situation.  It's ALL about NSIS.  NSIS is (finally) doing a teeny bit to get her life on track and I'm supposed to throw her a parade.  And because I never inflicted my "pain" on NM or NSIS, than clearly it wasn't that bad.  

And then NM again references "stupid choices".  She didn't make stupid choices.  She abandoned her kids, put her feelings first, ignored everything that was going on with us, inflicted emotional pain by forcing us to chose between "her feelings" and "not supporting her new marriage"- to the man she had an affair with, and has continued to make sure that EVERYTHING revolves around her.  This was one stupid choice 20 years ago.  This is a lifetime of being a selfish and self absorbed mother who can't empathize with her daughter to save her life.  She has done nothing to remedy things, has never truly taken responsibility, or attempted to heal herself or work on things.

And even though, clearly, her mothering effected my sister, it does not excuse the years of her treating me horribly as adults.  I tried and tried and tried to fix this relationship.  And nothing worked.  I tried to be OK with being completely marginalized, ignored, and verbally abused, manipulated, lied to and walking on eggshells.  And I left because, at some point, it became her or me.  So, yes, I can empathize with NSIS (and shouldn't NM be able to realize that?  That I GET IT that NSIS has issues?) but I won't tolerate being abused by her because of it. 

This last message left me tongue tied.  Several things came to mind.  And yes, part of me was angry.  All I see here is a pity-party for poor NM who was really just a "victim" in her mind.  How badly NM hurts.  How Nm feels.  What NM needs.  And a lot of excuses for NSIS.  A lot of asking me to completely brush my feelings and concerns under the rug and go back to the way it was (mainly for NM's sake, not for our own sakes.)    I drafted several responses, but they clearly were reactive and I didn't want that.  I wanted to respond in a way that made sure she knows that this sort of weak attempt at apologizing (and manipulating me) is not going to work.  And that she knows her offering up an apology for my sister's shitty relationship with me is not acceptable.  It is neither appropriate or OK.  It is complete triangulation and an attempt to control the adult relationships of her daughters.  And it's none of her business. 

On a positive note, even though I am bothered by this email, I have not been leveled by it.  I feel myself responding instead of just reacting to her behavior.  I don't feel particularly hurt, although I am angry and annoyed (both feelings I allowed myself to feel and am trying to process and let go).  Although there is lots of "pretenses" of caring her on my mother's part, I don't see any real change. This is how the relationship with my mother and sister had been all along.  And NM is just working at being "peace" broker for her own needs (to feel good about herself, she loves to "rescue" and to make herself feel better about her "stupid choices").  She needs to learn to butt the fuck out.   I did not feel sucked into her bullshit, although I did feel a moment of panic that she was trying to attempt a real relationship (that fear immediately went away after I read the whole exchange.  There is no real effort on her part.) 

I feel saddened by all of this, but not defeated (like I would have).  But I do need advice on what to say next.  I don't want to JADE.  I don't want to explain.  And I want her to butt the hell out.  Any suggestions or thoughts?  Anything is appreciated. 
 

 

 

My sister

My younger sister was born the day before my second birthday.  Birthdays from then on, became a "shared" activity, and our enmeshment grew out of that. 

I can remember, at a very young age, helping to regulate my sister's emotional moods.  "Give her what she wants, Jessie.  It's easier than dealing with the fight and we have too....(go to the store, have dinner, whatever)"  I can remember hearing that statement outright, but it was suggested to me in much more subtle ways.  She was giving what she wanted.  She was babied.  I hid so she wouldn't know that I wasn't taking naps and she was.  I helped with her school projects (she did not help me).  I shared my friends (she did not share her's).  She tagged along with me.  She  did everything I did (something she would later become angry at me for).  Mom made me "her little helper" and I helped to take care of my sister. 

Nm treated us like bookends.  Or salt and pepper shakers.  Slightly different, but still a "set".  Every interest I had, she also participated in.  We wore different colors of the same outfit.  Our hair was styled the same.  Anything I got, Nm got NSis one too.  She "evened" us out (in that way that Ns do, configuring "fair" based on some deluded standards). 

I remember being responsible for NSIS's mental states.  NSIS was a bit...temperamental.  Let's call it that.  She was difficult.  She had tantrums.  She boiled over into anger quickly and often. She had to have things just so (she would NOT leave the house without her clothes and hair to her liking, for example.)  I know she tested my parents, but their problem was my problem too.  She was violent.  She hit me.  These weren't sibling fights.  These were unprovoked attacks against me.  I didn't hit back (she was at least as big and strong as I was).  I didn't fight back.  Most of the time, she attacked me for asking that she finish her chores or stop doing something (because I was "in charge" after school and during the summer.  So, I was expected to "control" her.  Make her behave.  My parents struggled to make her behave, do her chores, how was I supposed to do that?  And if I didn't, I got punished too.)  My father knew.  He finally told me to start hitting her back.  To quit letting her attack me.  Stand up for myself.  He punished her, but that always ended up worse (his punishments were harsh.  Partially due to this, I didn't want her to get in trouble.  So, I often tried to resolve it myself.)  And when I would call NM at work, NM would yell at us for "fighting".  Like we were squabbling over the remote.  I was struggling to keep control of this girl, being bruised, bitten, pinched, but I would also get punished for that. 

I believe now that NM, in addition to the enabling, set my sister up to get in trouble.  She allowed her to get away with so much, but then when she couldn't take it anymore, she'd call in my dad.  Have him "lower the hammer" so to speak.  The big punishment.  The resentment and anger that grew between my father and my sister (most of it due to their own personalities, but often "encouraged" by my mother) lingers today.  NM still breeds resentment between the two, while at the same time, encouraging the behaviors in my sister that she asks my father to help with, or by trash talking my father and encouraging anger at him in my sister. 

Despite it all, I felt "close" to my sister growing up.  I wouldn't say she was my "friend", but I enjoyed her company.  Or maybe it was that she was my only choice so frequently for company, I didn't register that it could be different.  We were very emotionally and mentally bonded.  We often could "read" each other's thoughts.  No one liked playing board games with us because I often knew what she was thinking before she got out clues.  I predicted her moods, I was concerned over her emotional well being.  I protected her: from friends, from pain, from my father.  I gave in to her.  A lot.  But she accepted me and knew me in ways that few others did.  Or so I thought. 

When my parents divorced, we grew even more "bonded".  It seemed often it was the two of us, left alone, clinging to a life raft.  NM was gone a lot.  I was in charge.  A lot.  Many, many weekends alone.  My father was depressed and drinking and not much fun.  Things got bad.  I was even more responsible for my sister than ever.  She started drinking, and partying, and hanging out with boys.  She was 12-14 years old.  Some highlights of this time:

My father trying to commit suicide while my sister and mother tried to stop him. This one incident scarred her for life.   The cops came, terrifying me, and he ran.

My sister dating my "first boyfriend". 

My sister still flying into rages at me.

My sister, while I was out on a date (but still "in charge" as NM was out of town), being conned by my "best friend" to go to a party with high school boys and being raped.  I never got over the guilt of not being home to stop my "friend" from taking my sister out.  They also stole my car that night, ran out of gas, and barely got it home. 

My sister, repeatedly, sneaking out of the house at night while I was in charge.  One night I awoke to loud poundings on the front door.  Not knowing what was going on and fearing intruders, I retrieved my father's gun, ready to shoot whomever was coming in.  I was 15 at the time.  I threatened them (and they left; they were kids and were looking for NSIS,: she had fallen asleep).  Thank God, I didn't shoot someone.  NSIS talked me out of it, put me back to bed (I must've been in shock) and then snuck out.  I locked her out for the rest of the night. 

One night, she threw a party at our house.  I had begged her not to, but she didn't listen.  I (soberly) tried to keep watch.  Later, one of her friends was found by the cops a block away playing hide and seek by herself.  I convinced the cops that we weren't drinking and the let us go (the cop remembered us from the incident with my dad.  Dumb, dumb cop).

One night, she took off with some friends of mine.  I searched for HOURS for her before finding her at 1 a.m.  When I got home, NM had driven home (she was at her boyfriend's, an hour away and we weren't there to answer her phone call) and was furious.  I decided to move out to my dad's (I was 15).  NM punished me by selling my childhood home.  She figured if I "wasn't going to be living there" she would sell it.  I'd been gone for two days, and had actually thought she'd bring me back home with her. 

For awhile, I lived with my dad.  He was in counseling (and wasn't home a lot) so things got better.  He and NSIS fought, violently and physically, so she moved back with my mother.  And things continued to deteriorate. 

In the last few years of my high school and into college, NSIS and I grew further and further apart.  She horned in on several of my boyfriends (sleeping with or trying to sleep with several).  She didn't understand the concept of "mine".  She stole from me.  She let her friends steal from me.  She took my things (I ended up having to move back in with NM during my senior year when dad moved.  I actually didn't stay there much, instead crashing on my boyfriend's parents couch for most of the year so I could attend school-the school were NM lived was TWO grade levels behind what I was studying-attend extra curricular activities and work).  NM did nothing when she stole from me.  I would go home on weekends and my stuff would be trashed and picked through.  She finally put a lock on my door, but NSIS just went in through the window.

Here are some highlights of the time between late high school and college for me with NSIS:

NSIS was heavily on drugs.  She hung out with extremely shady drug dealers.  NM was always having to hunt her down and drag her home.  One of these very nasty men offered to kill my mother and step father.  He later ended up in jail for murder.  NSIS actually had enough sense to tell NM, but they all lived in terror that this man (in his early 20s) would shoot them and actually saw him drive by a lot.  They did not report this to the cops.  Later, when NM "let" my 16 year old sister stay with me (I moved out one month before my high school graduation) for the summer, this man tried to find her at my house. 

NSIS ran away.  She was involved in a home invasion.  She was put in jail two states away.  She was beaten.  She was raped.  Again.  In fact, several times.  Once, so badly, she couldn't walk.  She tried to commit suicide, several times.  She was hospitalized.  She was in counseling.  She dropped out of school.  She stole from my grandmother.  She had nothing to do with any family.

My mother looked horrible whenever I saw her.  All our conversations revolved around NSIS and the stress and pressure NSis was putting on her.  I despised my sister.  Blamed her and hated her for all she was putting my mother through.  NM begged for help from me, my father, my grandmother.  She felt we "all should be helping" her.  Later, I would learn that NM didn't want to share responsibility, she wanted to dump it all. 

NSIS and I continued to have confrontations.  I can remember helping my mother restrain her one time and being kicked in the head.  Once, at a visit with my dad, I had told her she shouldn't be secretly calling her boyfriend long distance.  I didn't want her to get in trouble.  She rolled off the bed (I was on the floor), in the dark, and beat the shit out of me.  It was the only time I fought her back. 

Through college, I hated going home.  Hated dealing with it all.  I had no relationship with my sister.  She was lost.  Gone.  And I blamed her for destroying my family.

In my early 20s, she seemed to mellow out (well, not really, but there wasn't the suicide and drugs and CRAZY) of her teen years.  We, sort of, connected again.  She went to college.  We talked at times.  But she lived with my father now and the chaos and drama continued. They fought horribly.  I blamed my step mother and my father.  They just didn't understand or make allowances for all that she'd been through.  She had a boyfriend who beat her.  SM and dad tried to get her into counseling. 

I met my husband and my sister had little to do with him (he wasn't as easily impressed by her beauty and cute ass as my past boyfriends).  She was still all drama and chaos.  Lots of drinking.  Nm told me she had herpes (I only recently learned this to not be true) and so I was horrified when she started sleeping with my husband's friend at my wedding (and also running out all night, leading NM to cause a scene looking for her.  NSIS was 21 at the time, but expected NSIS to be at the hotel at night).  The friend is a narcy ass and contributed to the problem, but I was scared that my friends, my new friends, would discover what sort of human being my sister was.  So much fear and drama.  And on my wedding.  NSIS picked fights and I was terrified she'd cause a scene.  She did little, but complained a lot. 

As time went on, I started to "wake up" and figure out that things were much worse in my family than just "the divorce" (NM's favorite excuse as to why everything was fucked up.  Oh, and the divorce was my father's fault.  Or mine.  NM said she divorced my dad so she could find me a better dad.  A richer one.)  I started not feeling so sorry for NM.  I realized how much she enabled NSIS.  I started to see the enmeshment, the bottomless pit that is NM, the triangulation.  I started to clue NSIS in.

At this point,  I really wanted to save NSIS.  I thought that if I could help her to get past the issues from her past, she could get "better".  I knew what she'd been through.  I could see how the abusive boyfriend, drugs, alcohol, rapes, all of it were just products of the extreme horror that had been our last few years.  I accepted all middle of the night phone calls where NSIS bawled and cried (drunk) for hours, despite needing to go to work in the morning.  I got lots of these calls.  Her boyfriend had left her, had hit her, whatever.  She got several DUIs.  She wound up in jail-she's been there many times.  She once, during a road rage incident got out of her car and decked a lady (my sister is petite, but built like a brick shit house.  Slender and toned).  She was temper mental.  She yelled a lot.  She got in fights.  She and my father fought constantly.  She blew through money.  She worked at a strip joint as a cocktail waitress (in a G-string).  This, for my middle-class, white bread, prude father was too much.

I walked on egg shells with her.  I shared little of myself.  I wanted to help her, to save her.  I knew I could, if I just believed and supported her enough.  I blamed my step mother for butting in.  I blamed my father for his rage and not loving her enough.  And then I started blaming my mother for her enabling.  NSIS started to pick up on the triangulation.  She started to see.  I knew, if I just supported her, instead of fighting her, I could help her.  Some of our childhood bond came back.  It was us against NM.  We realized that NM blamed all of her depression, sadness, anything on the other sister.  We started comparing notes.  I had hope.  Sure, she was still a crazy mess, but I had hope.

In my late 20s, I continued to support her in any way  I could.  I tried to "counteract" NM's manipulative tear downs of my sister (I could see how NM was purposefully doing things to keep my sister needy.  Plus, I think NM secretly fantasized about leading the crazy, "exciting", life she saw NSis having.)  I tried to offer good advice, I listened, I cried.  I spent HOURS and HOURS on the phone.  I cried, I stressed, I was sick to my stomach a lot. 

NIS met another boyfriend who was abusive (this one worst than the first) and the chaos of that relationship reached fever pitch.  She was being beaten, had lost her license, had barely graduated college.  At the time, I blamed the boyfriend for the violence.  But I had started to figure out that she was just as violent (duh, right?)  She was going no where, working as a waitress and not wanting to use her degree at all.  I thought my step mother was putting too much pressure on her.  I believed my dad had given up.  Her boyfriend broke her wrist so badly she couldn't work for months.   I encouraged her to move.  Move two states away to my favorite city (dumb, again) where she would fit in more.  Where she would find the artsy, eclectic, edgy scene I thought she could flourish in. 

Nope.  She has been there seven years now.  She is still a bartender/waitress.  She moves/gets kicked out of her apartment about every six months.  She has held four jobs in the year and a half we have been estranged.  That is about average.  She has had several violent relationships.  Her best friend, a drug user, overdosed and died.  She's been raped, again, several times.  She has been "drugged" at the bar and woken up without knowing where she was.  She's passed out, while closing the bar, to find her money and wallet gone.  Her wallet is ALWAYS getting stolen (she leaves it places unattended and then gets angry that the thieves don't have higher values than to steal).  She drinks a lot.   Despite a, now, long term boyfriend, she still contacts the abusive boyfriend in the old city (in fact, she has flown to visit him twice.  Once in my father's city; she did not visit my father).  She wrecked her car continually.  Someone was always "backing into her".  She took lots and lots of money from my parents.  She was driving some girl home one night (the girl was drunk, she claims she was not) and in some odd accident, she slammed on the breaks and the girls head hit her arm so hard the bone poked out of her arm by two inches. There were legal proceedings around this.  There have been many legal proceedings, from DUIs, from violent incidents.  When I took my three-month old to meet her, we were waiting on her because she was at court to testify that her abusive boyfriend shouldn't go to jail.  She has been hit by a drunk driver.  She still called in the middle of the night, drunk and crying.  She calls my father screaming at him.  He's called the cops a ton.  The list goes on and on and on, but I think you get the picture.  I'm actually embarrassed to write all of this stuff.  Embarrassed to admit it.  Her life is such a far cry from the life I live. 

During this time, I got married, built a house, and started a family.  She rarely is there for me.  When I have confided in her, she later uses that information to hurt me and blame me.  She has raged against me many times and I fear her temper.  I've been discouraged from telling her my "happy" things, as she and NM claims it makes her feel bad.  Makes her feel shitty by comparison.  So, I can't tell her my sorrow and I can't tell her my joy.  She is spotty in her interest in me, my kids, or my life.  She is often jealous and so I can't share with her.  During most of my special moments in life (when my kids are born, or when we moved into our new home) some incident in her life always comes up to change the focus.  Always.  NM then becomes wrapped up in that.   She only occasionally remembers my kids' birthdays (recently, she remembered one, but not the other).  She called me two days after my son's first birthday, never even mentioning it (and I dared not call her on it.  I knew the drill, how dare I focus on ME when she was having so much drama/tragedy/hard times.  This is the constant in our lives.  No Jessie attention because NSIS is struggling.)  When she has remembered an occasion, she goes overboard.  And then complains about having no money for the next two months because she "spent it all on Christmas".  I've spent hours on the phone as she selects gifts for her bosses or her boyfriend, while saying she has no money for family.  She has only acknowledged my husband's birthday once (this last year, during estrangement).  She told me both times that she would come to help me when I gave birth, only to have that plan evaporate (and never mentioned again) as we got closer to the date.  The last time, she wanted to bring the (abusive) boyfriend home to meet me and my husband and "help" me with the newborn and my other child.  It didn't occur to her that a woman with two kids, one a newborn, and fresh off surgery wouldn't be able to entertain.  When I finally told her the boyfriend couldn't come, she decided she had to work and couldn't come either.  (And she'd brought home a boyfriend the year before, who after a fight, left her here....650 miles away from her home and with her dog.) 

I kept feeling like I was her life boat.  Her only true friend.  I wanted to save her.  I had hope.  She knew little of my life, my kids, my husband, but she felt we were "close".  We would go months without talking because she wouldn't get back to me.  She had too much going on in her life to return my mundane little calls.    I knew things were still bad and chaotic, but she seemed to have stabilized a bit. 

Two summers ago, she announced on FB that she had cancer and then quickly retracted it.  She never called me to tell me what was going on.  Two months later she called and screamed at me for not supporting her (not immediately, but it quickly went there).  She had ignored my son having surgery (not a huge one, but still, he was only four) but was screaming at me about support.  She had ignored his birthday.  She didn't return my call or text or email asking if she was OK.   I figured if she needed me she could call. 

I never have found out the truth about the cancer.  (I believe she has some sort of medical issue, but that it is not cancer).  She left me fielding calls from my parents and relatives.  She didn't feel she had a responsibility to deal with anyone because of all she "was going through".  She continued to fight with her boyfriend (and not coincidentally, he had been threatening to break up with her right before the cancer shit), breaking up, getting kicked out of her apartment for it, and then moving back in with him.  She never let me know she had moved.

She tried, several times, to 'play pretend', sending me texts about a bedroom furniture set she wanted to buy (after taking lots of money from my father for hospital bills for the "cancer").  I have finally admitted to myself that she lies.  She sent some gifts to my kids out of the blue and then got angry at me for not accepting them as the bribe they were.  (How dare I suggest that! she screamed).  She has sent me several hate filled emails saying I am a selfish, horrible sister and she is "unsure" how we got to this place from our "close" relationship she thought we had (does the above sound "close" to you?).  She sent some gifts for my son's and DH's birthday.  Again, becoming pissed when I didn't respond the way she wanted me to.  And so, she didn't acknowledge my first son's birthday two months later (and it's not about the gifts for me, it's the using of my kids as pawns in her shitty little games).  She sent one email to me accusing me of keeping (stealing, really) the family photos that NM forced me to 'get out of her house'.    NSIS said that she has tried to contact me, but that, basically, I'm being difficult and stubborn.  I tried, once, in an email to begin to explain where I was coming from.  That didn't go well.  She text-bombed me for an entire day one time.  She has tried to call "out of the blue" and then was shocked I didn't answer (she has been told to only contact me by email if she wants to work this out.  I want this shit in writing from now on.)

We have spent two Christmas', Thanksgivings, and birthdays sending vague and trite texts. She sent two texts/FB messages demanding that I "please talk to me".  Once, she told me to quit being ridiculous (like I was a child throwing a snit)  This year, she started in early December,  asking for ideas for my kids for gifts for Christmas (because it's hard when she doesn't know them, she said.  hahahahaha).  When I didn't respond, she tried again, asking for ideas for my father.  Then, she texted asking for my address because she'd "lost (her) address book" (she's always "losing" her address book).  She could've easily gotten it (and the ideas for my kids) from my mother.  Not surprisingly, she didn't send anything.  (I should also add that during this time, she's twice told me she's sent something that never showed up.  Last Christmas, it was money to put towards there college funds....and this was when she was "broke" from the medical bills and time off from work for her medical problem.  OH, and another interesting tidbit, she is always "broke" but then will find money to go on a trip or buy some new item.) 

NM pushed for a reconciliation (you can find that post here) once.  Mostly, she tells me how she "understands" because it has been SO HARD ON HER to deal with NSIS.  It's always been about how hard NSIS has been on her.

NSIS has never offered a real apology.  NSIS claims I'm being ridiculous and making things about me.  NSIS has not heard me.  It occurred to me that I'm partially to blame because I've never told her my real feelings about our relationship (and her).  But what could I say?  She would attack me for that.  And I wanted to help her.  I believe now she has a mental illness, in addition to narcissism.  I do not know what to do any more.  I'm saddened to find a hole that I used to think my sister would some day occupy.  It was hard to watch her and NM play lovey-dovey on FB at Christmas.  And part of me wanted to reach out.  Part of me wanted the "Christmas shine" to smooth out the cracks in our relationship.  But I know that this is more than just "cracks".  This is trying to have a relationship with a crazy person.  And I don't know how to do that.  I can't continue to watch her treat my husband and children as pawns and competition for my attention.  I can no longer hide her personality from my kids (the one time she was really around my sons, she was good for about a day before she started drinking, bitching about how it was effecting her time, and complaining about herself.)  She is not someone I want around my kids (and I do not want the boyfriend around them at all.  He's, to say the least, fucked up). 

I think I know the real answer is that I can't go back from NC with her.  But that doesn't mean she won't continue to "pretend" that it all go back to the way it was.  I've never actually dealt with her (because what is the point?  She's not going to hear me and will only give her ammunition.  Sweet Violet recently wrote a really good post on this.  I'll post a link if anyone wants it.)  I feel pressure (although I'm not sure from where) to deal with her.  I know she will never just "go away" and I will have to deal with her, at some point, in the future (recently we had a family reunion, which I ended up not going to because she had said she would be there.   She ended up not going-she and NM had tried to manipulate ME into giving her a ride and letting her stay with me.   Seriously, WTF?)  She is not going away.  But I just can't hold out hope anymore.  She's 34 years old.  Her life reads like a horror film (and the above details?  The tip of the iceberg) and I'm tired of witnessing it.  And the guilt, for giving up, for letting her go, sometimes is unbearable. 

Sorry this was long.  To be fair, some of the details are out of chronological order (it's really hard to piece this all together).  Lots of time, my memory of things is choppy (like I remember the incident, but forget exactly where in the time line it fell) mainly because so much of it was so horrific, I've sort of blocked it out.  Thanks for bearing with me and reading along.  All and any advice would be welcome. 


Editing Note (post posting):  To be fair, I want to say that my sister is extremely smart, witty, clever, beautiful, and hard working (when she has the chance).  She can be generous (to a fault) and is not completely selfish and all consuming.  She has so much that she could capitalize on.  Unfortunately empathy, self restraint, and control are not among them.  We have had some good moments together...until we don't.  And those moments rarely last longer than a few hours.  Often she was the only person who had my back against NM, until she didn't.  She used to be my sole confidant about this (as she was the only other person I knew who understood), but she would later use that confidence to hurt me and ALWAYS ended back up on NM's "side".