Their Own Worst Enemy

I will never stop being amazed at how DIFFICULT narcs need to make everything.  How complicated, drama filled, over the top, and generally filled with lots of nothing for the sake of attention they have to make every little interaction.

Christmas (and the holidays) were....manageable. In addition to Chrismas and New Years, I also have to deal with NM's birthday, MIL's birthday, my birthday, NSis's birthday, my father's birthday, my niece and nephew's birthday (and the party full of DH's narc laced FOO it entails), and my BIL's birthday, all between Thanksgiving and New Year's.  MIL also crisscrosses to relatives homes, traveling through my town several times in the month.  She also has to make a "special" trip to drop off the gifts (because it would be TOO easy to drop them off during my niece and nephew's birthday party).  This year, she manipulated a "family gathering" at my BIL's house that was nothing short of exhausting.  In an email about it to my friend Kara, I said it was like spending an evening in the monkey house at the zoo, and I think the description is MORE than apt.   The holiday season is a field of landmines waiting to go off.  And while there were no specific "incidents", the holiday season was filled with the usually bullshit, drama, and attention seeking behaviors.    I had moments of real joy, love, and happiness with my children and husband.  And the narc drama was not crippling.  But it left a sort of whole, and emptiness in places.   A longing for things to be something I know they will never be. 

Anyway, I made it through and have emerged on the other side, a bit stronger, a bit clearer.  But very, very tired.  I've only, in the last week or so, managed to pull myself up by the boot straps. 

And, reinforcing to me why I always feel like "impending doom" is on the horizon, NM dropped an email on Thursday evening asking when she can visit.  I had been expecting it, as I have managed to side step her visiting for the last five and a half months. 

I was feeling confident, that I could manage the situation.  Give her few options, be specific, don't engage in chit chat, don't give her room to play games, make it clear that I wouldn't be "holding the month" open for her.

But wouldn't you know it, she managed to still piss me off.  And that pissed me off, that I was pissed.

I'll spare you the details, but she managed, in three emails to sucker punch me.  The emails were full of manipulation, guilt, negativity, and DRAMA. Most of the emails she complained about people.  She did ask how I was at all (she did say "hope all is well with you" but I don't see that as an invitation to a real conversation about me.  In the last few months, I've told her NOTHING about me or my kids.  And she doesn't ask (or "asks" when their is an audience and I can't really answer, and then never follows up.)  She managed to invite herself into three upcoming events in my life, which a "normal" mother would be more than welcome at, but she knows good and well I don't want her around to sour.  Her insistence, despite her acknowledging our relationship has changed, that she is still entitled to every part of my life is maddening.  That, of course, she's always welcome.

And I'm again left shaking my head at what a production she has to make everything.  Trying to weasel in time when my DH isn't home (now way in hell).  Trying to use "weather" and "bad roads" to not commit (and allow her time to draw out the drama).  It doesn't have to be this way.  Telling me she had "planned" to come this following weekend, but wasn't sure because she had chosen to go on vacation last weekend (I'm not sure when she had "planned" on filling me in).  I think she is still angling for me to open this weekend up for her. 

How about this, NM?  Pick a damn weekend and stick with it.  Don't "add on" days.  Don't email me 500 damn times about your concerns about the weather affecting you coming, or some illness cropping up, or something else that you are "worried" will effect you trip.  DH used to say that you were just "excited" and it leaks out.  But it's not excitement, it's a constant sucking of my time and attention.

It does not have to be this hard.  Why don't they get that?  That we would welcome them, love them, want to be around them, if they didn't make it a fucking 3 ring circus all of the time.