Narcissistic Ping Pong (Or: Why it's a Bitch to set Boundaries with an N)

A little background first.  NM has been privy to many times that I have been upset by MIL.  I have confided in her many times and she has seen, first hand, some of the crazy behaviors MIL has had towards me.  In the beginning, when I actually thought she had my back, I would tell her a lot of stuff.  I've learned to temper what I say (where it was later used as "evidence" of why I was wrong in arguments.  Clearly, I couldn't get along with "anyone", neither NM, MIL, or NSIS, so it must be ME, she would imply.  In a discussion with NM about an issue I was having with NM, my confidence was turned into "proof" that was wrong.)  If NM didn't throw it in my face, I know NM felt a secret "alliance" with MIL.  I know my difficulties with my MIL helped her to believe it was all my fault too.

Rarely did my NM express any real empathy or sympathy.  She'd offer a few stories about how she was treated as a DIL, and then run off on a tangent with that.  And I never felt like I had her support.  She gives MIL just as much credibility as me in the issue.  Meaning: to NM, it's like just as much me as it is my MIL.  I get no benefit of the doubt as her daughter.

Several times, she's become indignant at MIL's behavior towards me.  I've heard "I can't believe how these people treat you.  It really pisses me off."  And I really do believe she is fully angry and sees the treatment for what it is.  Not to support me, but because she loves to take the victim side that someone would treat HER daughter that way.  She and my MIL have had a few minor scuffles.  NM has been annoyed (by her own admission) by MIL's behavior at times and sees MIL as trying to one up her.  She often expresses jealousy over the fact that we (and the grandkids) "see MIL more often."  followed up with "you'd think they'd be closer."

When I've explained clear hazards with MIL babysitting, NM agrees that it's an issue, but than always suggests that MIL should babysit too.  I think this is more about her being angry that I don't allow EITHER of them alone with the kids and so she thinks she and MIL are on the same "team" to get freer access to the kids.

Several times, NM has flat agreed with MIL.  Several times, she completely invalidates me by saying "Well, she's always been nice to me."  "(DH's parents) are so nice."  (Step mom does this too me too.) Last summer, she spent time after OS's baseball game chatting with my ILs in the parking lot (about 20 minutes) instead of spending her last bit of time with her grandkids (whom she says she doesn't get enough time with.)  When we called to see if they were OK because they hadn't arrived yet, she said "WHAT? Can't we bond with your ILs?"

Which, I suppose, if they actually liked each other would be fine.  But they don't.  They dance around each other like animals over territory, very careful to always be cordially distant.  But, like I said, they've had confrontations.  MIL has clearly pissed off my NM on occasion.  But they don't talk often, aren't friends, and don't see each other.  They occasionally bond about "their generation".  And this summer MIL invited NM up to hang out at their vacation property.  Blech.


So, fast forward.  I have spent SIX years trying to get NM to tone down gifts: less money (it's obscene), less quantity (it's obscene), and when all else failed, just the SIZE.  (Gifts are often 2X3 ft. square -or more- and don't fold up.  These are not easy to store.  And my kids actually do use all of their toys (part of being a stay at home mom) and so it's hard to just give them away if they are still using them.  Anyway, it's my house, and if I don't want huge toys, so be it.  (And I'd even be willing to compromise, an occasional big gift if it was really cool and would be special to the kids.  But not 3 times a year: their birthday, their brother's birthday, and Christmas.  And a special extra trip for toys every time they visit. )  I have TRIED and tried and tried to curtail this shit.  Talking, boundaries, making it "clear".  But it's always circumvented: they've told the kids they have a "surprise", so it's hard to refuse or some other method.  When I would find a stop to it, they'd find a new route.  And it's "they".  Step dad teams up with NM on this one.  Grandparents are "meant" to spoil the kids.  It's their "right".  And, in some ways, they do spoil the kids in good ways: really cool experiences with Grand dad and some neat things.  But it is so excessive.

Two months ago, NM and I were talking about a similar situation in which a parent refused a grandparent's gift that was too large after being told it was not OK.  She thought this was awful and said "You tell me all of the time that I can't buy large gifts, but I do it anyway.  I mean, if I find something cool."  So, she clearly has heard my boundary, she clearly understands my boundary, and she clearly is choosing to ignore this boundary.  And she is choosing to justify it was an argument that sounds awfully a lot like something I said above: that I would allow it if it was "once and awhile".  But it's not.  It's all of the time.  Every time, three times a year.  She conveniently neglects this point.

I take this opportunity to tell her to please, please, please, please, please to not get a large gift for my son's this Christmas.

She sends me an email to "please do no be mad at the size of YS's gift."  Followed by a large (expensive, I found out today) gift.  Sigh.

I decided that I had laid down the boundary, she ignored it, and now it was time to be clear about the consequences of doing this again.

The therapist suggested this is "pushing back" but I felt that was too aggressive a descriptive for what I was doing.  I felt this was merely standing my ground.  How do you all feel?

When she emailed asking if the package had arrived, I replied something to the effect of "It did, at least the larger of the two.  I sure hope it is the larger of the two, as it is very big.  I'll have to ask you to stop sending big gifts or I will start sending them back."  I had DH proof read it for "emotional loadedness".  Which I'm sure she'd see anyway, but he said it was fine.

Several days later, I got a very pathetic, guilt laden, hurt-that-I-called-her-out email in return.  Hurt that I had refused her "gift".  She offered up the receipt and to just let her know and she'd "work on this at the birthdays."

Then radio silence.  Then an email about how she needs to get started on a family reunion she's planning this summer at her house for her side of the family.  A family that has tried to politely tell her they are not interested.  A reunion with my sister in attendance.  Despite REPEATED rebuffs of getting together with my sister, despite a two year estrangement, she thinks my sister and will show up and stay together at my mother's house.  She's wanting me to commit to dates I have open.  She hasn't really spoken to any one else yet for concrete days (I'm sure she'd say, "well, I wanted to give you first consideration" but she's really trying to shore me up and make me commit.  Give her something to hold me to.)  I IGNORED this email.  It felt like an obvious trap.  I could see no road from a response on my part that would end well for me.

In between this, she puts on my sister's FB page "love you babes!!"  which is so 'un'-her (it's the FB her, the manufactured mom).  I get nothing (fine).  I have been avoiding liking her page, but I just can't "like" bullshit and lies.

Radio silence.  She texts and asks if I got my grandfather's Christmas card.  He's getting old and can't write as well, you know.  So he wasn't sure you got it.  I don't know why I need to tell my NM every year that I get my grandfather's card so that she can tell him (I always send a thank you card.  Not right away but always...oh, he sends a little bit of money for the kids and is anxious to know it arrived.)  But, whatever.  Sometimes replying to this "bullshit" stuff gets me off the hook with bigger stuff and she moves on after I ignore her.  So, I reply that I got it, sent her Christmas gifts out and hope she had a nice weekend.

She replies earlier today that she got the package (and then something to tell DH).  I didn't reply.  Wasn't really feeling in the mood to play "text ping pong" and figured her text didn't need a reply (sometimes if you reply, you get caught up in a huge thread and she won't let the texting stop.)

Tonight, she texted me and asked for my in-laws address.  No reason why.  Just wanting their address.

At the same time, she texted my husband a thank you for a gift he'd sent my step dad (not HER and my step dad, just step dad.  Not sure why she was thanking him.)  No question about HIS parent's address.

She has my in-laws address too.  They have exchanged "sympathy" cards when their parents died.  (Side note, MIL sent a sympathy card to my mother when her mother died, but nothing to me, as it was my grandmother.  But, whatever.  In fact, I don't remember them expressing sympathy at all.)  Other than that, they have NEVER exchanged cards.  NM and MIL rarely exchange Christmas cards with anyone.

I can't help but feel she is choosing to send my MIL a Christmas card to hurt my feelings.  Maybe I'm crazy.  Maybe I'm reading too much into the situation.  It's quite possible.  It's time's like this I wonder if I'm crazy, finding conspiracy where there is none.

It is quite possible she was moved by DH being kind to my step father (which he really was) and thought "I want to send MIL and FIL a card."  And, by her own admission, NM is always sad how few people are on her Christmas card list (actually, she bitches about it, but whatever.  She's sad.)  I get it.

But, what I don't get, is how it doesn't even OCCUR to her that, by befriending a woman who has caused her daughter SO MUCH PAIN, it feels like betrayal.  I'm not asking her to be mean, or rude, or unkind to this woman.  It makes it easier that they get along.  I wish she could support me more in my struggle with MIL (do you KNOW how much that would help to at least feel I had my mom on my side?).  But it is what it is.  I'm not asking them to fight. (And for the record, MIL and my SIL's mother can't stand each other.)

But it hurts like hell that my mom would befriend someone who hurts me so much.  That it hasn't occurred to her that she has totally invalidated me.  I know, to her, it's just a Christmas card.  But to me, it feels like betrayal.  But maybe I'm crazy.

Checking In

A couple of months ago, my youngest son decided he wasn't going to nap.  At all.  No quiet time, nothing.  So, there went my blogging time.  That and summer's gotten busy, and I've just had not time to check in.

But, I've been overwhelmed, depressed and thought it a good time to process a few things.  I had been feeling a lot better.  I had been gaining big strides, making lots of progress.  I was experiencing much less anxiety.  I felt stronger and happier than I had in a long time (still not strong, or really all that happy, but I felt better.  I was working hard to remember that I wouldn't be "there" immediately in this process.  )

And then I got tired of dealing with it all.  Some inkling of realization that "this is reality.  They really are these difficult people and I'm really going to have to deal with them, like this, every day forever.  There will be no change, no progress, no "relationship" with them.  Because they are incapable of it.  So, I will now only be "managing" them."  That was a hard thing to come to terms with.  Since the "record plea for peace" NM has been keeping her distance.  Mostly.  That means weekly, sometimes daily, emails or texts.  Often several texts in one day (think like 10).  But mostly she's been quiet.  She did "perk up" when we went on vacation.  I avoided telling her before we left that we were going.  She found out when we were in the middle of it.  Then I got "text me when you get home" and emails about her latest argument with her husband and bugging me to let her know "how things went" and "how is the driving going".  Leave me alone. 

She's been bringing up my sister when she gets a chance.  Just throwing her in.  "Oh, you saw that.  NSIS said this about it."  Or "Oh, you're on vacation?  I just booked tickets to visit (the city Nsis lives in)." (It was a tad more subtle than this, because she linked something we were doing on vacation, to something she will also do in NSIS's town.  None the less, it was pretty obvious her point.) 

My step sister (I have two SS and two SB's -plus spouses- on my mother's side.  We have never had a relationship.  They never really cared to include us - we were on their "turf" as NM tried to "assimilate" us into their life, not vice versa.  They weren't mean, just completely ignored me and NSIS.  This got worse when NSis started acting out in high school and all family members were greatly impacted, including them.) had decided she wanted to do a "family photo shoot" HAHAHAH.  I haven't seen some of these people in YEARS and only communicate through the family Christmas card exchange, despite all living relatively close and having opportunities to see each other.  Once, this particular step sister drove across the state to attend a business conference at the resort I worked at.  It's not a big place and I was easy to find, but she never made it down the staircase to the restaurant to find me.  Anyway, she wanted a family photo shoot to "celebrate" our "parent's marriage".  Again, HAHAHA.  Not only would I have had to take vacation time to accommodate their Sunday afternoon time slot (they all live close and can travel home and back in one day), we would've had to drive 6 hours, each way, and.....BE IN A PICTURE WITH NSIS AND HER SCUZZY BOYFRIEND.  Um, no. 

Why in the world Nm even fantasized this would happen, I don't know.  I haven't spoken to NSIS in two years.  What, would we just show up and throw our arm's around each other?  The ultimate "pretend" game?  I'm sure NM thought....hoped... that we would be the reason to "finally come together" and she could take credit for the reconciliation.  But, at the same time, NM kept saying how ridiculous she thought the photo was (she dislikes SS and was angry that SS didn't think about "her children" when planning the photo.  That it's "all about SS".)

Anyway, I refused to go.  I was very proud of myself, as I didn't JADE (much).  In any course, I stayed emotionally neutral.  Even when NM pointed out that "NSIS's boyfriend is insisting they come.  He thinks it's important to support me."  HAHAHAHAH!  Oh yeah, the physically abusive, freaky boyfriend, wants to support you?  Good for you.  (And for the record, NM booked her vacation to see NSIS the weekend before the shoot was supposed to happen.  So, I know they are not going.  I'm not surprised.  NSIS hasn't been back to my mother's home in 6- SIX- years.)

So, that was that.  All this came up at my youngest son's birthday.  On that note, the party went well.  I invited people OUTSIDE of the family, and what do you know, it was mostly pleasant ;).

NM did try some of her bullshit.  We had an incident in February, in which she watched my sons for a half hour while I went out for a walk.  Later that night, NM laughingly told me, "Don't tell OS, but he knocked over  a lamp today.  I accidently showed him some of your gifts for him when getting a new light bulb for the lamp.  I told him, if he didn't tell on me to you, I wouldn't tell on him."  She told me this laughingly and thought it was hysterical.  I was sickened.  That she would BLACK MAIL my son, and then make him think he was doing a favor was disgusting.  That she would convince him that lying to me - and lying in general - was OK, as long as you don't get caught, is so messed up.  I told her in no uncertain terms that she couldn't pull that bullshit with my kid.  There was of course, retaliation for that for me, but that's another story.

Anyway, she told me "I'll babysit, and I promise, we won't have a lamp incident."  I didn't think it was funny.

She took my MIL's side several times when I was discussing some of the things that MIL had been doing to me.  She even made sure to spend extra time "bonding" (her word) with MIL and discussing getting together to "hang out" for the weekend.  Clearly, she's trying to hurt my feelings.  Completely dismissing what I've said about MIL and believing MIL is a "good person". (also despite what she's said and seen of MIL in the past.  She's only a fan of MIL when she's angry with me.)

She was OK with the kids.  She wasn't too obnoxious, except for a DAYS long pat on the back for putting my son to bed.  Making sure to retell all of the wonderful things she did to get him to sleep.  (The implication is that she was a hero for doing something I couldn't or wouldn't do.  Or that she was "saving me" from doing.)  I ignored this.

She did pick a huge political argument, although she let step father do most of the actually arguing.  She just sat, kicking my stepfather under the table and rolling her eyes whenever I was speaking (I was turned away from her, DH told me about this later.)  She's just brimming under her cool, controlled, icy exterior to get at me, it seems.  Wanting so badly to put me in my place, but being unable to and not wanting to blow her cover. 

So, aside from that, it's been quiet around her when it comes to her.  Aside from that.  It's kind of crazy to write all of that down and then think about how this is her, on "mellow".  That she's often been a lot worse (or maybe I've handled it a lot more poorly?)

SIL and BIL haven't been around much.  They're busy crafting a new personality (new looks, new attitudes, new friends.  Aside from narcissism, they seem to be having a mid-life crisis).    Even friends of their's have been complaining about them to DH about how they've just "dumped" everyone and moved on.  BUT, at least they are out of my hair for awhile.

No news on the NSIS front.  She occasional leaves a comment on my FB photos.  Or likes random comments I put up.  I'm guessing that's more to keep me on my toes.  There is no rhyme or reason.  Or maybe that's how I "appear" in her mind; random notes that float in and out of her consciousness.  I doubt she thinks about me and our situation nearly as much as I think about her.

The in-laws.   Well, I haven't seen them a lot.  That helps.  I did have an incident that triggered a bunch of feelings that  I will write about in my next post.  I've really been able to clarify my understanding of the dynamics in DH's family.  Not that the understanding helps much.  Sometimes I feel still stuck in the same trap of dysfunction with them.  No matter how much progress I make.  DH can SEE everything, but hasn't bothered to fully un-enmesh with them.  He keeps saying "yes, I see how they are, but they are family and we have to be around the."  I'm trying to get him to see that being around them doesn't mean putting up with their bullshit.  Peace at all cost.  I feel like, if I say I don't like something and they can't handle it and blow up at me, that's on THEM.  He seems to feel the opposite. 

In addition, here are a few highlights:

MIL planned a birthday party for FIL.  She is notoriously horrible at this stuff (she CAN NOT communicate with vendors and always has issues. )  She is scattered and disorganized (at a party, serving alcohol, she had NO water for people.  And nothing other than soda for the kids - she knows my kids don't drink soda, it's actually DH's rule).  She attempted several times to get DH to take over.  Thankfully, he wiggled out.  The party was OK (she avoided me) but the next day we got a lot of pressure to stop by.  When we did (I knew we were going, but DH kept telling me we weren't....and then that morning breakfast plans got cancelled and we had to go over there), I refused to go in the house because of the dog.  It was a chilly day, but not horrible, but FIL kept complaining he had to come outside (the kids were playing outside too, but he didn't care). 

At the party, my MIL got all three kids cake, except my youngest (he wasn't right by them, but close.  And she's always pushing food on the other kids.  And there was only four kids, her grandkids, so it was odd she left him out.)  She also gave the three other kids the sportsball magnets off the cake and left out my son (he's the littlest, but only by six months than his cousin.)  Again, he wasn't right there, but I think it's unfair to give all the kids one, and not him just because he wasn't standing there.  (I'd say it was coincidence too, but last summer, she gave a NEW toy to my OS - her golden boy- and nothing to my younger son - who was 2, small, but not small enough to be excluded.)

The day after the party, MIL shoved a bag of clothes she had bought for my sons (and not at HER son, who was beside her.  I'm guessing I was supposed to be thankful and give her a "point.")  True to form, most of it was unattractive.  But the kicker was that the stuff for my son was for an infant.  He was a month from THREE at the time.  But she'd bought him 12-18 months cloths.  As she shoved them at me, she told me how "cute they were"  and "such a good deal".  Way to toot your own horn MIL.

As I've written before, BIL and SIL planned a "family vacation" with MIL and FIL over the weekend of my younger son's birthday.  Nobody bothered to tell us (we all know when the parties will be each year and MIL and FIL make a big deal about being invited).    DH found out by accident.  MIL called weeks before the party, in a panic (we had purposely not told her when we scheduled it, by misfortunate, it had to be the day after they got back and they would be able to attend.) saying they would "change their flights".  Yeah, right.  Such a martyr move (I'll change my flight to come!!!!  How about just offering up a fucking apology, lady?)  She then asks DH for ideas for gifts, and is taken a back when we say we've given out all of our ideas already.

The day of the party, MIL and FIL are FORTY-FIVE MINUTES LATE.  I can't help but notice there absence.  And I must say I was a bit gleeful.  Finally, the f-ers were getting CAUGHT.   MIL spoke little to me but, hoofed off (she waddles like one of those "Weeble-Waddle" people when she walksand bustles past people a lot.  Huge boobs out, charging forward.) Later, as I drove home with NM, she commented on MIL being late and explained that MIL had been lost.  LIE!  MIL had just been to the party place a few months before.  It's not hard to find and it's a small area between three major roads.  So, she had to call BIL to "give her directions" (she is such a child, that she often expects her son's to help her figure out how to get places.)  And besides, 45 minutes for lost?  I live in a fairly small town, which MIL comes to about 20 weekends a year.  Anyway, MIL does not speak to me the entire time.  She continues to waddle-bustle past me, always in a "hurry".  The gift she brings for my SON, is wrapped in girly-pink wrapping paper (not that I'm all about gender appropriate, but it just so clearly showed how little she gives a shit about my son.)  DH later told me that she had explained to him that, not only were they lost, but that FIL had so busy setting up the camp trailer (they had decided to camp outside my town.) that they lost track of time.  I'm not sure wtf she was doing that impaired her from telling time, but it was all FIL's fault.  So, she LIED to my mother, covered her ass and blamed FIL (with a shifty explanation in my book) , and actually admitted, that yes, they were late due to their own poor planning.  And I didn't get an apology or an explanation at all.

She also gave both my kids money for their piggy bank.  The older son, whose not even the birthday boy, got MORE.

The next day, she and FIL come to my kids game (which the "luckily" could come to when we told them about it last minute.  They'd had the schedule of all the other games, but couldn't make those.  Not coincidentally, it was also DH's birthday.  I'm sure I was expected to invite them over afterwards, but I'd had my fill.  This is when NM decide to swoop in and "bond" with MIL, ignoring my kids' pleas to come home and play, and instead hanging out with MIL in the parking lot for half an hour.)  FIL, who is a mostly nice guy, guffawed and made jokes about the kids (5 year olds.).  It wasn't wholly in appropriate (not man jokes) but I still thought not OK.    MIL didn't talk to me the whole game, not say hi.  (I'm guessing she felt shame for not showing up at the party on time.  So, instead of apologizing and move on, she decides to be nervous and tense and act weird.)  She did manage to yell "TAG YOUR BASE" at my son (none of yell at the kids.  They are little, very little.)  I was glad they were away from me.

So, that was months ago, and I've had some peace and quiet.  After next weekend, I'll have a few more weeks of peace.  However, some issues have really clarified in my mind about my in-laws and I'll explore them in my next post.

Family

When I was little, family was the most important thing to me.  I was aware of my feelings in a way I doubt other kids think about their family.  I remember always wanting to be with my family.  I passed up on social events to stay home and hang out with my family.  I am allergic to animals, so I actually couldn't go to other people's houses as much, which just compounded the problem.  But I didn't mind.  I LOVED spending time with my family.  I loved my mother.  I idolized her.  I have a book I wrote about her, in which I embellished a small act on her part into her "saving my life" (I remember that's how she had conveyed the seriousness of the event at the time).  I wrote poems about her, poems about my family, homework assignments spotlighted my family.

I loved family get-togethers.  We frequently got together with my father's family and I loved it.  The cousins, my grandma, the aunts and uncles.  I loved being around different people.  We rarely got together with my mother's family, at least not all together.  But we saw them.  My parents had a couple of friends we saw.  I loved that too.

My little sister was my constant companion.  She went every where with me (except the times she went with her friends).  I watched her on every holiday and summer break.  We were in the same classes (mom putting me in the younger age group, so we would be together.  Always even.  Also, it helped NM not have to run around to double the activities).  My sister always expected to share my friends (and later boyfriends).  We were close.  She was violent.  I was afraid of her and her temper.  But we were "close".

But none of us was really close.  Not really.  I can look back and see how we all kind of just floated together.  Like boats, tethered together on the sea.  Bouncing into each other and near each other, but not really connecting.  We did lots of things together.  But I don't remember a lot of glowing memories.  I don't remember feeling that was of love.  NM and NSis were close, completely enmeshed.  And on occasion, they would let me hang out too.  Lots of times I was relegated to dad.  Working in the garage.  I spent a lot of time alone.  I read books, I played in my room.   I remember pulling together for my sister's homework as a team, but I don't remember anyone really being excited by anything I did.  I was just there, a constant.  I remember being asked a lot to accommodate my sister so she didn't tantrum.  She got her way a lot.  NM recently told me that sister had told her she was a big softie with us.  NM loved that she was referred to this way.  She liked being the nice parent (she used my dad as an enforcer).  NM was a softie, with my sister (and for what it's worth, the soft treatment wasn't preferential and most likely fucked my sister up completely.).  I was NM's assistant, her helper, her little me.

But I felt almost a desperate desire to be around them.  When the divorce hit, I was stunned.  I was 14 (ish, I really struggle to remember the exact order of things and dates.  It's all a blur).  I remember feeling like my family had exploded.  Like it had died.  We all seemed to be blown in different directions.

I was devastated.  I struggled so much with the complete dissolution of my family.  Everyone (except me) went crazy for a time; some longer than others.  I tried so desperately to hang onto the pieces.  To hold it together.  I remember feeling very alone.  Forgotten, abandoned.

Through my twenties, I did everything I could to improve the relationships with my family that were so rapidly deteriorating.  Every interaction with my sister and mother ended badly.  Fights, arguments  lots of tears.  I racked my brain about how to fix it.  My dad has always been distant, and continued to be (My father, not a narcissist, but a very self-centered person, recently asked me why I wasn't eating the eggs he'd made for breakfast.  I informed him, as I have on every visit in the last few years - around 5- that I have hated eggs since I was 2.  I've never eaten eggs.  Anyone close to me knows this.  He doesn't know it.)

I hosted my family.  I bought thoughtful gifts.  I supported my sister through every drunk, tearful, 3 a.m. phone call, and the various sob fests in between.  I watched her repeatedly create such horrific havoc in her own life - and consequently that of her "family."  Then, she would demand support, endless hours to vent or unleash, long tirades about how unfair it all was.  But no change, no attempts to grow up and make things better.

I had glimmers things would get better.  Moments that I thought things were getting better.  Break throughs.  And falls back wards.  Lots and lots of slips backwards.

I find it ironic.  Ironic that it is me that they accuse of not being there for my "family".  Of not living up to my obligation.  It's ironic that they accuse me of being "cold", and "calloused", and completely uninterested in family.

It's the same way with my in-laws now.  When I started out with them, I wanted so much to fit in.  To be a part of a big, "loving", family.  But twists and turns, and I've somehow come to be the enemy to them now too.  I'm the one out to destroy the family.  I'm the one on the outside.

I just don't get it.   Can't people realize that if I hadn't been about to kill myself, I would never have had to step away from my "family"?  That someone like me, who idolizes and worships her family, would never run for the hills screaming, if it hadn't gone very, very wrong?  That I'm not interested in being right, or having my way, or controlling the family.  That it isn't about some petty disagreement.  That this is about someone finally having to step away from family before it killed me or sucked me down with it into crazy town.

My Weekend in the Narc Hood Part 1

I've been rolling the events of my weekend around in my head.  I really wasn't going to post about it.  Because really I didn't know what to say.  And some of the details were other people's private details.  I've been (probably poorly) trying to limit (edit?) some of the details of my life to protect my anonimity.  And I didn't know how I could discuss all that's happened without compromising myself a bit.  But then I decided I really didn't care anymore.  I'm not saying anything that I wouldn't discuss directly with the people involved.  And it all just started to get so crazy, that I needed to write it all down; for myself, and for some outside perspective.

Before I start, I'll apologize that this post might be a bit tangential.  There is a lot of background and side stories that figure into the events (isn't there always with narcs?).  Also, I've been dealing with crap from both my husband's family and my family.   Although its all been going on concurrently,  I decided to separate the two situations into two separate posts.  So, here goes part 1:

I think my sister is going crazy.  For a little recap:  sister claimed several months back that she had cancer.  Cancer of the lady parts.  Which lady parts is still up for debate.  Sister is in her early 30s.  Sister was diagnosed in early 2012 (and all of this is speculative, because nothing has been directly told to me by my sister.  And even if she had told me directly, it's all suspect at this point.)  In August, sister announced, very late at night and on FB that she has cancer.  She hadn't told my dad and hadn't told me.  I reached out on several occasions to get her to talk, but got vague answers, if at all.  As I've been told, sister got radiation and hormone treatment (all as outpatient) once a week for a  month.  She was very vague with everyone.  She avoided all phone calls from my father and mother, or took them sparingly, claiming she was fatigued or too upset to talk.  She never returned my attempts to contact her.  During this time, she also ignored my son's birthday (nothing new, she's missed the last several) and ignored my son's surgery.   She took money from my dad, managed to go out and cash the check, but never managed to call and thank him or even say she got it.   She called my dad once and screamed at him for being a bad father and ruining her life (because of situations revolving around my parents' divorce almost 20 years ago).  She was so hysterical that my dad finally had to hang up and call the cops.  She also stated to him that her boyfriend is beating her (she has been in many relationships where domestic violence is involved.)  She cried that she didn't know what to do, and was unwilling to listen to him offer solutions.   During this time, my father offered to come visit and help or stay with her, but she told him it was unnecessary.  She called my father in the middle of the night, twice, the night before her retest for cancer with a "panic attack" (I have no way to validate it as a panic attack, but these were my sister's words).  My father talked to her for over an hour at 3:30 a.m.   My sister never called to let him know the results of said retest.

My mother (NM) has also had limited contact with my sister, but has been her unwavering supporter.  Although my sister has offered limited information, and often brushed her off, (and I'm sure also accepted money from her), my mother has repeatedly lobbied for sister's "support" during her time of crisis.  NM has admonished me for not supporting sister enough (during my son's birthday, and if you'll remember, they tried to have a little "reunion" during this time to show my sister support...during my son's birthday).  NM has offered up lots of excuses for sister.  She has vilified sister's boyfriend as an abuser.  She has found lots of ways to excuse sister from any and all responsibility for herself.    NM has also managed to sneak in a few jabs at my father (a man she cheated on and left) for not being their enough for sister AND for NM!  NM has called my father several times to discuss sister, for no other reason that I can see, than to create drama.  

NM sent me an email over the weekend detailing how sister and her abusive boyfriend had a nice weekend together.  My broke sister, who took off lots of time for treatment, took off several days to celebrate her boyfriend's birthday (included, I'm sure, was a nice material gift.  Many, many times, I've listened to my sister cry that she's too broke to buy Christmas gifts for her family-not that I expect one-and then cry that she can't decide which expensive gift to buy her boyfriend.).  Sister and boyfriend also went out and bought new items for their apartment (relatively pricey ones).  Guess daddy's check helped out right in time.

So, last night I get an email from my dad telling me that my beloved Grandmother had a heart attack and was life flighted to a larger hospital for treatment.  (Yes, the email was a horrible choice, one I would have been upset about, had he not called me today to follow up. )  A little more background, Grandmother does not like my mother and hasn't since the divorce.  She's never been calloused or judgmental  but my mother pulled some really crappy shit around that time (some of which was directly against my grandmother) and my grandmother has chosen to not want anything to do with NM (and fairly so).   Around 8 years ago, my sister went to visit my grandmother.  For some reason, my sister didn't feel like my mother was welcoming and kind enough to her.  So after the visit, my sister wrote a long (and not kind) email to my grandmother.  This caused another rift.  My sister, as recently as six months ago, said she really never cared to talk to my grandmother, and blamed my grandmother for the fight.

This morning, very, very early in the morning (read: long before most people are up) my sister started text messaging me and calling me in a tizzy over my grandmother.    I hadn't slept most of last night and I was not happy to get this early wake up call (also, my sister works odd hours so she's often up in the very early morning.  She thinks nothing of calling people at 2 or 3 a.m.   Often she is drunk and hysterical.  Often she's in a fight with someone.  She takes it personally when you are not there to "support her".  I've confronted her, and until today, she's stopped calling me like that.  My mother turns off her phone at night.  Dad has been getting the majority of the calls lately).  When I finally got up, I wondered what in the hell my sister possibly could need to discuss with me about my grandma.   It was almost like she was rushing to tell me the "gossip".   She obviously had no impulse control.

My mother also sent text messages.  In one, she asked if I was "doing OK".  Ever since I told her I wanted their drama out of my life, she treats me as if I'm just too fragile and "not strong" enough to deal with stress.  Stress is one thing, stupid drama is another.  In the next texts, she details that all the information she's managed to drum up from one of my relatives that she has contact with.   It really, really pissed me off that she felt I was not adult enough to get the information myself.  That she had to rush and get the "scoop" and get involved.  And that it was all for the sake of being in the middle of everything.  She also tells me that my dad "wasn't very forthcoming" with information for my sister.   And that my sister wants to call my grandma.  WTF?  I want to call and yell for her to keep sister away from my grandmother.  I mean, my sister is unstable, not particularily nice, and the last thing she needs is a call from my long, lost sister.  But I decide it's not my place to tell my sister (through my mother, none-the-less) what to do.  I'm really, really annoyed with both of them.  But I decide to ignore them.

My father calls this afternoon to update me and let me know what's going on (he had another family member's funeral to go to this morning).  He tells me that my sister called him last night screaming and verbally abusing him again for ruining her life.  Now, while I do agree that the period of time my sister is referring to did change our lives forever, and that she needs to process it to move on, I'm not sure how screaming at my dad will change that.  And while my dad can be a self-absorbed, selfish, one-sided person, he has ALWAYS owned up to his part in the divorce and the aftermath.  He has always apologized (a real apology) and claimed his part.  He may not totally get how bad it was, but he's always held himself accountable.  And after 20 years, and a lot of bad choices on my sister's part, she needs to take some responsibility for treating herself.  (And I've got to wonder in all of this, what the hell happened with her cancer?  It's all but been forgotten as far as I know).   My sister yells at my father for not paying child support and rationalizes that this is why he owes her money.  It's all his fault she screams.

And here's the kicker.  My dad tries three times (THREE TIMES) to tell my sister that my grandmother has had a heart attack and is in intensive care.  He told me that every time she just continues to rail against him.  Until he finally has to hang up.  And turn off the phone.  And it's not until this morning that she becomes SO upset about my grandmother that she makes early morning phone calls to me.

I've kind of had it at this point.  This is all so ridiculous in my mind.  All I can think is WTF?  What the hell is going through her little head? I've been wrestling for awhile with all the secrets about my sister that my mom and sister have had me keep from my dad.  How they collaberate in getting him to give my sister money.  How my mom boosts my sister up into believing he owes her something.  How my sister has flown off to visit her very abusive ex-boyfriend not to long ago (once in the city where my father lives.  Sister didn't bother to go visit my dad at this time).   How my sister lies and manipulates to get what she wants.  I struggle with how much this information is none of my business, and not my crap to tell, and I might be a gossip for telling my dad, how I really need to stay out of it and how much she is lying and manipulating my dad to get what she wants.  It's hard to know all these "secrets" of hers.  And to know my dad makes decisions on how to help her that aren't based in knowing the whole truth.   I have struggled with what the right thing to do was.  But today I told him some things.  Today I told him I thought my sister was lying about her cancer.  Maybe not totally, but that things don't add up.  I told him that she is seriously mentally ill and that he needs to quit enabling her.  I told him that she lies and manipulates him.  I stopped short of some of the things I think would've really hurt him.  I'm so conflicted.  I feel like she's been abusing him.  But I also think he's a big boy and needs to make his own decisions on things.

And I can't help but think that in the end, my grandmother's in the hospital and it's all about them again.  Even if it's somewhat unintentional, they've greased the wheels so much that it circles back around to them.  I think my sister is going crazy (well is getting crazier).  I think my mother is feeding her crazy side.  I'm very afraid for what's ahead.  Things just don't feel good right now.

Week in Review

OK, first and foremost, I'm guessing everyone is sick and tired of  this whole Charity thing.  I know I am.  So, although I am going to reference her in this post, the post is about ME and not her.  My failings, what I didn't see, my processing of the event. (And if you are sick of all of this, just skip this post).

Also, I wanted to provide a little update for those of you who may be wondering about things.  My NM did show up last week for the event, begrudgingly.  There was lots of moaning and production and sympathy pleas.  But she did show up.  I'm not really giving her credit for that, as much as I'm given myself credit for holding her accountable to her word.  She was relatively well-behaved.  Or maybe I just didn't care as much about her little pleas for sympathy.

My sister with the medical condition is still, somewhat MIA.  She apparently has been in treatment for this very serious medical illness.  However, information is sporadic and, often, unreliable.  I've been told she has run the course of the treatment and that, upon further tests, things seem to look good (but there is still more to run...I mean, a narc can't TOTALLY let the drama fall away.)  Anyway, I got a brief and odd text from my sister last week.  The timing was suspicious and the method in which she addressed me seemed to be a disarming move.  To my credit, I choose not to rush to answer her.  She had asked about my holiday plans and said I was welcome to email back.  I used the "medium chill" technique, suggested by fellow blogger Kara, and wrote a quick and to the point message late last week.  I've yet to hear from her.

Now onto the Blogger Incident.  This thing really messed with my mind.  After a long summer of being relatively narc free, I had felt I was stronger.  Then mid-August rolled around and it seemed I was being stormed by narcs from every angle.  Lots and lots of fucked up and crazy-making and just plain stressful things happened.  Last week, I felt exhausted.  Like I'd been in a marathon battle.  I felt I really need to address some of my painful memories.  I felt like I need to "clean house" so to speak.  I am very closed and private in my non-blog life.  I wanted to be open with myself and really, for maybe the first time, process and feel my emotions about the suicidal moments from my past.  I wanted to write and feel purged of those repressed feelings.  I wanted to admit to myself that I'd been week and a coward in my choices.  I had worried about what other bloggers would think.  I was not  in a current state of suicidal thoughts, and I needed to really process why I had gotten to that place.  Because, as I said in the blog, I never really wanted to die.  I had just felt so blamed, so dumped on, so accused.  I was at the end of my rope and had felt that, after all I'd tried, I was in the same damn spot I'd started in.  Feeling like I had to bend over and compromise myself, or figure a way out.  I felt like a burden to those around me.  I have not ever admitted to anyone, save my DH, about my suicidal thoughts.  I needed to fess up so to speak to my own blog.

And that was the state of mind I was in when the Incident occurred.  I found her blog post first.  Up until this point, I had found Charity to be eccentric.  A bit intense.  A bit over the top.  She seemed very desperate to fit in.  Maybe this was my first red flag.  However, I dismissed it.  Who the hell was I to determine how she needed to be in this community.  Several weeks back I had actually had thoughts about the community.  How we all take each other with a bit of faith and trust, not easy for any of us to do.  How we often open ourselves up in ways we wouldn't, or couldn't with even those closest to us.  I've gotten a few weird emails, my computer got hacked, and I wondered if this community laid me out for con artists.  You know, someone who would pose as an ACoN to win our trust, find out information on us (our real names, etc.) and use that to hurt us.  I never, ever dreamed someone would do it for narc supply.  And really, I dismissed anyone would do it all.  I thought, man, that'd sure be a hell of a lot of work to make all this shit up.  Create a persona, write a blog, spend hours reading and commenting.  I never thought of it again.

When I saw Charity's post, my first knee-jerk reaction was to rush into to soothe everyone.  That's my m.o. When their is crisis, or conflict, rush in to see what I can do.  First lesson for me in this: it is not my job to rush in.  And I need to look around and protect myself a bit before I rush in.  I started commenting every which way until Sunday on the posts.  I didn't think before I spoke.  I wanted to be helpful.  I didn't allow myself time to process any of it.  My first reaction to Charity was to believe her.  I really had no reason (that I had thought of at the time) to not believe her.  I was heartbroken for Upsi, but I really felt this woman, who had been so desperate to be a part of our community, and was a part of our community, would inspire more empathy. To me, she seemed on the brink, and I was afraid for her.   I was a bit shocked when some people headed for the hills away from her (and rightfully so).  It set me on a tailspin and I really had to do some serious thinking about everything.  Had I missed the signs?  Was I a moronic fool?   I thought "all this hard work I've done, all this change in me, and I got fucking duped again?  WTF?!"

And sigh.  I think the signs were there.  Many have been pointed out by others.  Here are a few more I found on closer inspection.  Red flag #1:  She signed the original comment anonymously.  Judy (and later Q) pointed out that this was huge.  And it was.  If she was that effed up on cold meds, how did she have the where with all to be so sneaky about it?  And if she really felt her thoughts were valid (although presented in a shitty way, as she stated) why did she own up to it?  I mean really, we all are "anonymous" here, but she felt to be even more covert.  BIG RED FLAG.  Red Flag #2:  She didn't own up to it right away.  Not OK. And she did it in such a public, dramatic, extreme form.  Red Flag #3:  Charity had always seemed dramatic and over the top.  I also found her blog to be a bit "showy" for lack of a better word.  And recently she had kind of amped it up.  She made several comments on my blog that she had (in a separate incident) mistaken her husband's medicine.  Which makes the new medicine debacle seem ridiculous.   And ironically, my NM has also used this "medication side effect" b.s. on me with in the last week.  I guess great minds think a like huh?  It seems as I look back, she was setting up the scene.  Like stage dressing.  I thought it was weird, but again, let it go, although I took a step back then.  She seemed crazy, but I'm used to crazy.   I think I'm desensitized to crazy.  Red Flag #4: I found this as the title of a latest post of hers: "Will The ACoN Who Had The Most Painful Childhood and the Worst Narcissistic Parent(s) Please Raise Your Hand?"  I hadn't thought too much about it, because the post really had little to do with the title.  But man, doesn't this strike you as a big ole red flag?  Red Flag #5: I remembered her posting one time about feeling invalidated because people were not responding to her comments.  She said she understood, that people are busy, but it was clear that she felt slighted by this.  I dismissed this, again, as someone desperate to fit in.  I believe I was wrong.  I believe, looking back, that she had been setting up this little stunt for quite some time.  Or at the very least, had had some growing resentment, and finally the damn burst.  She choose Upsi, because her jealousy got the best of her.  Jealous of Upsi's "ACoN glory, as she called it.  But while she targeted Upsi, she was actually trying to level an attack at all of us for not validating her enough.  Removing us all from her blog roll was weird.  Putting Upsi on her "blog sites recommended" was weird.  I mean, if you are in this emotional, horrible state over what you've done, why do you stop to "redecorate" your blog?

I wanted to feel for this woman.  I wanted to believe that she had stumbled and we could lift her back to the right path.  I was WRONG.  I missed the signs.  The one once of slack I'll give myself had to do with this:  She had one particular "identifying marker" that I associated with my mother (and no, it was not the damn hair, or her grey eyes...which by the way, she did focus a lot on her looks.  Oops, another flag I missed).  I think I transferred some of my feelings about my mother to her (or vice versa).  Somewhere, I think she represented hope to me that my mother might finally see the light.  I know that I had linked them in my mind.  

I also felt afraid, because I worried that everyone else might think I was crazy too.  Finding out how many people had crazy feelings towards, started my age old worry of "Do they think I'm crazy too?"  "What do they think of me?"  I felt afraid that if someone found me to weird, they would distance from me too.  This community has been a lifeline to me.  It has pulled me back from the brink, in many ways.  This incident made me feel shaky and scared and afraid of my place.  It made me wonder if I had shared too much or looked like a fool.  As I've never been this vulnerable and open with other people, I suddenly wondered if I'd made a mistake in opening myself up.   Lots and lots of things for me to work on, I've found.

And in the end, I've learned I have a long way to go.  I didn't think I was at the end of my journey, but I was a bit shocked to see that I'd only reached a small hill, and that once over it, the road stretches on for many more miles.  My narc radar is pretty bad and needs repair.  I'm a sucker for a good sob story.  I see the emotions and miss the content.  I saw the crazy and ran towards it, instead of away.  Lots to think about.