Shaken but not Stirred

I'm shaking and crying and upset as I write this.  Fucking narcs.

My NM called today.  I let it go to voice mail.  I waited to listen to it.  I assumed she was calling to see how I was feeling.  Nope.  Her voice was shaky and it was clear something was wrong.  So, I called her back.

Her story was that my sister had called.  Her boyfriend was moving out.  There was drama and chaos on the phone.  And then NSis comes out with the fact that the follow up test for her cancer were wrong.  The lab had called and they had "made a mistake".  And she was going to have surgery to remove her uterus on Thursday.   Apparently,  the boyfriend just found out about this today too.  Hard not to miss that coincidence.  NM was heading home to make airline reservations, but Nsis was refusing to have her come out.  NSis said that if NM came our for the surgery she wouldn't answer the phone.  NM is destraught and crying.  She says that NSis is trying to protect everyone and do things on her own and didn't want to burden anyone.  But NM doesn't think NSis should do this on her own.  Nm says she's having her own health problems.  I ask "like what".  NM says, oh, well, like my blood pressure (this has been an issue of months now).  And her doctor put her on an antidepressant and she was at the hospital with an anxiety attack.  And she dissolves into tears again.  I believe NM's emotion.  I do think she's upset.  But it's all weirdly placed emotion.  NM asks me if I think she should call my dad.  Funny, because she's never asked my permission before.  NM becomes confusing to talk to and I offer to call my dad (who also hasn't spoken to my sister as she's been verbally assaulting him lately).   NM initially refuses but then thanks me for being willing to call him as she gets off the phone.

So, I try to call my dad at three locations.  And I try to call my husband.  And NSis is trying to call.  I haven't been able to formulate my full reply to her text from yesterday (see two posts back.)  I take a few minutes to gather myself.  I take a few minutes to bide some time.  I answer the next time she calls.  And she lets loose on me.  She snaps immediately asking why I'm hanging up on her (I really thought I had her on the other line. I didn't know that I was hanging up on her when I disconnected from my calls).  I tell her I wasn't and try to discuss it with her.  She yells at me for not responding to her text yesterday.  I tell her I haven't been able to. She interrupts and assaults me for not "calling her back" for the past two months.  I try desperately to remain calm.  I explain I did try to reach her but that she responded with vague statements.  I say that I understand she's having a hard time.  She launches into a tyraid about her recent problems and how I've not been there at all for her.  I tell her I will not allow her to verbally assault me like she's been doing to my dad.  "LIKE DAD, huh?"  She snarls.  Oops.  I should've stopped at verbal assault.  She screams at me some more.  I again tell her I will not listen to her assault me, but that I understand she's having a hard time.  She screams at me again for not being there.  And I lost my shit.  I scream back that she's never once been fucking there for me.  Not once.  "OH YEAH!  I'VE NEVER BEEN THERE!"  And I hang up the phone.

I felt sucker punched.  I was shaking so badly I couldn't stand up.  I sobbed uncontrollably.  And I sat in the feeling for a moment.  No one should make me feel like that.  And I decided I was done.

I called my husband and told him the story and calmed myself down.   Then, I called my mother and told her that I am uninterested in further communication from my sister until she gets some help.  I explained what had happened and that I would not be involved with some one like that.  That I can take stress, that I can support people, that I'm not running from anything, but that I will not allow someone to abuse me like that anymore.   I explained that the actions of my sister in the past few months have been childish, unstable, and inconsistent   That  I can not piece together the truth from what she's said.  That she has been sneaky, deceptive, and inconsistent with my parent's too, which leads me to question the truth of what's going on.  That I will no longer play these games with her.  NM seems relieved.  She seems calmed by this.  WTF?  She agrees with me.  She says she understands.  She says that she wouldn't want to deal with it either.  That NSis has been calling and assaulting her (I might add that NM told me in the first conversation that NSis had contacted my grandmother and had an "emotional" conversation.  Huh.)  She tells me that I've done nothing wrong in the situation.  She has an appointment (this is actually legit) and has to go.

During my time on the phone, Nsis called me back four more times.  I got two voice mails.  I told DH that I will not be listening to them, and that he'll have to erase them for me.  He suggested that I text her back that when she wants to have an adult conversation with me that I'll listen.  But I don't fucking think so.  You can't have an adult conversation with the mentally deranged.

Worm Vent

Is it just me, or do narcissists have a way of implanting things in your brain?  Like little worms that crawl in an infest your brain with toxicity.  It seems that NM has away of implanting little things in my head.  I don't always feel it at first, or maybe it's just like a pin prick.  But then days or weeks later, I begin to think about some little things she slipped into the conversation.  Some little wormy piece of subterfuge that burrows in, waiting for an opportune moment.   Like a bomb on a timer, implanted way into the bowels of my soul, ticking away waiting to blow.

I used to think I was just over analyzing things.  That I was thinking too much about stuff.  DH tells me that.  And probably, that is somewhat true.  But I think there is a lot to it.  I don't think NM always does it intentionally.  Sometimes she does.  Sometimes it's a little passive-agressive remark, slipped in under my arm to nail me in a weak spot.  Something so passive-aggressive I don't even understand the full effect of her words until later.  Sometimes, I think I'm just so busy blocking her blows that I can't fully pay attention to what she says.  I'm ducking and weaving and doing my best to avoid her traps.  It's not until later, when I'm able to put my guard down that I can actual attend to what she said.  And sometimes, her little barbs are just a by-product of who she is.  Sneaky, subversive and manipulative.  It's so a part of who she is, I don't always recognize it.

Something she said in our recent conversation has gotten under my skin.  I noticed it right away, but it's still annoying me now.  And I need to vent, to dispel the little toxic worm from my brain.

NM told me that she knows things about my sister that "would make (my) toes curl."  She hinted that she is a bastion of untold secrets, vile, horrible things that she has been burdened with.    That she alone carries this burden.  She's told me crap like this before.  She's insinuated that she carries the weight of the world on her shoulders with NSis's secrets (as well as other's secrets that she's also been burdened with).  This bothers me for so many reasons.

First, it's like she's throwing it in my face.  As I discussed with my last post on worrying,  she implies (indirectly) that by not being burdened with said secrets, I am somehow lesser than her.  I'm a less supportive family member, I'm less involved, I'm just less.  It is somehow a flaw of mine.  She implies that she is somehow stronger, better, and more attuned to my sister.  She implies that she is more giving, more involved, more...well, just more.  She somehow finds it to be a check mark in her "win" category. 

I want to scream at her, "what the hell do you want, a medal?".  I wonder what is the "appropriate" response she expects?  What am I possibly supposed to say to that?  I could ask her what the secrets are.  But she would never tell.  She just likes to dance around, claiming her superiority at knowing said secrets.  And am I supposed to want to know these secrets?  Am I supposed to feel sorrier for my sister with this mystery knowledge?  It makes me angry that she hints how horrible and awful the information is, and lets me imagine all the disgusting, vile things it could be without every really telling me what it is.   I find it so childish and immature.

And really, I think it's ridiculous she knows this shit to begin with.  There are things about me that would curl her toes.  But I don't tell her everything.  She's my mother.  She doesn't need to know all of my deepest and darkest secrets (not that there is a lot, but I would surely shock prim and proper her).   I wonder if she thinks she is somehow better for swimming down in my sister's shit with her.  I wonder if she thinks she is a good mom because my sister tells her everything.  Good for them.  I think I'll pass.

I hate that she gets off on this.  I hate that she even brings it up.  I hate that she uses it to chastise me.  I hate that it irritates me after the fact.  I hate that she thinks this is a good thing, or an honorable thing, or that somehow she is a "better" person than me for having all this sullied knowledge.  I hate that she thinks I'm a "lesser" person because I am not involved.  And how could I be involved?  Just another lose/lose wormy little situation.