Hi all. It's been awhile since I've written here. I've been working on healing in a few different ways, and so the blog has been neglected. It's been hard to come up with full posts and and ways to put things so they make sense and so posts have been hard. Most of what I've been working on is small details put that are forming into "big picture" ideas.
The holidays, while not horrible, were exhausting for me. All in all, my FOO had a really nice time. We were busier than usual. I was happier than usual. I was able to fully be in the moment. But with any holiday, the Ns come buzzing around like flies. They have expectations, demands, and bone to pick.
At present, I am LC (and pushing for more) with my NM, LC with my in-laws, and NC with my NSIS. The NC has been difficult for me, as I've come to realize I really do not want a relationship with my sister. The few bits I've heard from her and about her, tell me she hasn't changed at all. My MIL was very gravely ill this summer and it has led to a whole lot of changes between DH and I. She allowed a lot of her true nature to shine through, and I believe he's seen things he can't unsee. I've been pushing NM back further and further and it's been very interesting to watch her reaction. She hounded me a ton over Christmas. Lots of texts, lots of pressure to visit soon. Because I didn't do what she wanted, she suddenly became cold, distant, and icy. She started DARVO-ing, implying she was going to stop giving me "more chances" because I'd been "disrespectful". I spent a lot of time thinking about how she views things and how she can possible believe something like that.
I have finally reached the conclusion that my mother absolutely can not handle any negative emotions from me or my sister. No sadness, no angry, no disappointment. If my sister feels that way, she does something to "fix" her (temperarily bandage the problem). If I feel that way, she completely dismisses me, ignores me, pretends she doesn't hear me or doesn't see the issue, or attacks me for being angry with her.
Growing up, my mother was quite distant. I remember her spending a lot of time on chores. She worked full time, but when she wasn't, she cooked, cleaned, or really did anything else. She didn't play with me, help me with homework, ask me about school or friends, help me run lines for my school plays. She just never felt very interested in me at all. We didn't have a lot of money (something my mother must have said a lot, as that was always the feeling I got. My mother has a big issue with being poor). But I was clothed and fed. I had nice toys and had good (although not lavish, which is fine) Christmas'. We were well "taken care of". But I don't remember being really maternal at all. She "ticked all the boxes" of what a mother should do (credit for that saying to my friend Kara).
I do remember her being very withdrawn and cold and depressed. I remember always trying so hard to not upset her further. I remember trying so hard to appease my sister (who was, unlike me, not afraid to act up or express her needs and wants. She was vocal, volatile, and intense). I know my mother asked me often to appease my sister. Just give in so that my sister would behave. I was the ultimate "good girl". I realize I wasn't perfect, but I was always trying very, very hard to not make waves. I was good in school (in fact, if I ever got in trouble, which I think maybe happened twice, I was devastated). It's not that this necessarily came naturally. I tried very, very hard to BE a good girl. I did whatever it took be the good girl. I helped out, I was friendly and kind. I did all my homework and chores. Even into my teens, I was a relatively good kid. Despite a herendous divorce and my family life falling down around me, I still worked, got almost all As, participated in college level courses and extra-curricular activities, and took on a lot of the responsibility for my sister. I had always taken on extra responsibilities involving my sister. From the time I was very young. I was the perfect mother's helper. (You can imagine my hurt and surprise when my mother tells me now about how she'll tell anyone who listens how "hard raising teenage girls are." She'll go on and on about "girls' - she knows enough not to call me out directly.)
When my parents divorced, my mother pretty much abandoned me for my teen years. The little involvement she did have went down to almost nothing. Despite being exceptionally depressed and upset about the divorce, my mother acted as if I should be "fine". Any extra support went to my sister, who had seemed to explode into a pillar of problems, issues, and chaos. It's not that NM had so many problems with my sister that she couldn't also attend to me. It was that she never, ever considered how I was feeling or what I was going through. If I expressed any dissent, hurt, or God forbid, the slightest degree of anger, she would shut me down immediately. My unhappiness was impeding and dampening HER happiness, so I was not allowed to be unhappy. I distinctly remember her telling me "It is my turn to be happy." I can look back now and see how she felt she'd sacrificed for her family (she had an NM and an alcoholic father and had taken on a lot of family responsibilities herself) and than been so unhappy with my father. But at the time, I was stunned that I wasn't allowed to have ANY feelings because it conflicted with what she wanted to do. I wasn't allowed to talk about it. When I spent three weeks locked in my room, only coming out for school, she ignored me. She never asked how I felt, never talked to me about the divorce. And in fact, she then pushed her "new" family at me and demanded that I fall into line and embrace these strangers (my step father, in particular, who she'd been having an affair with.) The divorce was acrimonious, there was significant traumas, my sister was out of control, I was left alone a LOT to care for my sister on the weekend, yet my mother never once bothered to stop and consider how I feel.
In my mid-20s, she apparently grew bored with her new family and decided to swoop back in and take back the reigns as "THE mom" in charge of me. It was at this point, she became very enmeshing and co-dependent. She had been quite enmeshing when I was a child (not considering what I liked, who I was, or what I wanted) but as an adult, it took on a whole new level. She wanted to operate my life like she was at the control panel. She expected to push buttons and I would do whatever she wanted. And in a lot of ways, I did just that. As I said, since a young girl, I had always wanted to just make my mother happy. I wanted to fix that unhappiness she seemed to have (which now came because my sister, 10 years later, as still extremely out of control and we never knew if any day she would find some way to kill herself. And my the "shine" of the new family had worn off). So, I tried to make her happy. Tried to do what she wanted and be the "good girl" again. The wounds of the divorce hadn't healed (I had felt so utterly abandoned) but my mom was "back" and I so wanted to make it work.
But, of course, it didn't. Any attempts to have a real relationship, express any individuality, act like an adult were insults to her. She took great personal offense to me not accepting her "help" (money forced on me so she could strong arm me into doing what she wanted. She now had a rich husband, so money became her favorite tool. It worked on my sister but not me.). If I didn't take what she offered, I was ungrateful. If I did take it, I took advantage of her. If I did take it and didn't do what she wanted, I was spoiled. I just couldn't win.
And during this time, she tended to take out her own anger about how her life had turned out and project it onto me. She had constant criticisms and was just down right nasty at times. Little insults, little digs. Constantly telling me that I didn't measure up to her expectations. For a little girl who only wanted to please her mom, who had been terrified of losing her family during the divorce, I often acted desperately to please her. I was in my 20s, but I still felt very much like a lost little girl.
I finally started to gather some courage and stand up to her in my late 20s. Many events had become so difficult with her and I was frustrated and saddened that I couldn't figure out how to "get along" with her. I decided to try talking things out with her. This did NOT go over well. Expressing any sort of feelings to her got regulated to "you're just still upset about the divorce". Being a bit naive at the time and unsophisticated in dealing with Ns, I didn't have a response for this. I didn't realize how she was shifting the point to take the pressure off of her. I WAS still upset about the divorce. I'd never had a chance to heal, my mother had never acknowledged that I even had a right to be upset about the divorce, and because she kept telling me that, my being upset was an affront to her happiness, I had stuffed all of my upset down. I had wanted her to be happy, so I refused to acknowledge how upset and angry I was.
But that had NOTHING to do what was going on now. My upset with my mother had to do with her controlling, belittling, demanding, and insensitive behavior. It had to do with her insults and continued abuse of me. It had to do with her emotionally raking me over the coals. It had to do with her expectation that I was just as "responsible" for my sister and her out of control behavior as my own mother. Her expectation that I was to fix it. It had to do with my mother using me as her own personal psycho-therapist and dumping all of her problems on me. Yes, the divorce wound was there, but it had nothing to do with what I was trying to resolve with my mother.
These interactions left me baffled and hurt. I again felt so minimized. I felt that I couldn't quite get to whatever it was I need to get to in my mother to make any difference in our relationship. My feelings, my emotions, my anger with her, my hurt towards he was so offensive to her that she wouldn't allow me to express it at all. If I did, she would become very wounded, hurt, angry, or upset. And watching her feel like that was the ultimate discomfort for me. I didn't want to hurt my mother.
The pressure kept building though. I remember one night in which she'd been drinking and had become particularly nasty in her criticism and snark. We were driving home and she was yelling at me about how I was "just still upset about the divorce. You're just still upset I married your step father." I can remember fighting that feeling so badly to tell her how I felt. I knew it would NOT end well if I did. I remember her pushing and pushing me to tell her how I felt. Not because she actually wanted to hear it, but because she was testing to me to see if I'd hold back. She wanted me to deny every feeling I had and tell her that I wasn't angry with her, I wasn't upset with her, she was a GREAT mom and I loved her. But I didn't. I finally decided to give her what she'd been pushing me to do and I let her have it. I wasn't mean towards her (I was still respectful, not calling her names or accusing her of anything) but I unleashed how I really felt. And she went beserk. We were in a Home Depot parking lot, me curled in a ball in the back seat, her screaming and clawing at the door to get out. It was locked (automatically locks if the car travels over 15 mph) and she was like a caged animal trying to get out. She was screaming at my husband to take her home. He gently told her he thought we needed to just talk and figure things out. I was sobbing. She screamed so badly and freaked out so much that we took her to her hotel. She got out with out a word. The next day, she stopped by my house to say good bye and return a hair dryer. She said not one word about it, didn't ask to resolve anything, but gave me a hug and figured that solved it all.
From that moment on, things were never quite the same. As my kids came along, she demanded more and more to be put front and center. And if I didn't, she became angry and hostile. She played the victim. She accused me of being unkind, keeping her from her grand kids, being selfish, and spoiled. She accused me of favoring my in-laws (HAHA! And she knows how much I struggle with them.) She continues to dismiss me at every chance she gets. In the last 4 years of LC, in which I went from talking to her for 2-3 hours every other day (well, listening to her, not really talking) to only talking briefly on holidays and birthdays. I don't tell her anything about my life, and she doesn't ask. I don't make an effort to see her.
In all this time, she's never once asked me how I'm feeling or if I'm OK. She's never asked to make things better. She's continued to pretend everything is fine. She's never asked me if somethings wrong. When I went NC with my sister, she never asked to hear my feelings on it. She's preached to me about my sister, badgered me to get back into contact, and continued to share any and all details of how "great" my sister is doing (this is a lie). But she's never asked what I need, how I'm doing, or if there is something SHE can help ME with. She has never once, to my recollection really wanted to know what my feelings are.
The only time she cares is if it's a dramatic situation and she can suck up the NS from it or somehow position herself so she's pitying me. It's only ever been to gain an advantage (like when my grandmother died almost a year ago, she suddenly became very "concerned" about me. Interesting, because when her own mother died, she had no ability to see I might be grieving at all. )
As I've said no more and more to her, I can see that "good girl" image pop up in my head over and over. This is the one tool she uses on me the most. My willingness to be conscious, my desire to be the good daughter who makes her mother happy, my wish for a happier family. She knows damn well that is my soft spot and uses it to her full advantage. It really is difficult, because, often, I feel I'm compromising my own integrity by NOT doing what she wants. I'm happy to give people what they ask for a lot of the time. I'm happy to compromise and make people feel special and give a lot. But when I discovered that she was using this to her advantage, asking more than she should have, and expecting total compliance, I was dumbfounded.
I've also realized that this is what sets me up to fail a lot with my NMIL too. I want to be the "good DIL". I want to make the family happy and get along. I want to compromise and make it work.
Unfortunately, the goal of "good daughter/DIL" (and "good sister" ) is always changing in it's parameters. I can never be good enough or just "good". I have to do every little thing they tell me too. I have to compromise and give up EVERYTHING that I am. I have to relinquish any control over my life, my kids life and do whatever they want, whenever they want. And even then, they will not be happy.
I have realized often in the past (intellectually) that I need to give up their definition of "good" and just do what I believe a good daughter would do. And while I can understand that, the "doing" of that and fully taking that into my soul, is so much harder. There is still a part of me that just wants her to be happy. A part of me that just wants to figure it all out and get along. I beat myself up routinely (aided by a lot of flying monkeys) for not being able to work out why I can't just be satisfied with doing what I know to be right. In almost any area of my life, other than dealing with Ns, I'm very confident in knowing I've done the right thing. Many people tell me I'm full of integrity and a kind and thoughtful person. I just can't see what the next step is to getting rid of the discomfort of not living up to my mother's (and MIL's) expectations of me. I'm not sure how to handle the criticism, nastiness, passive-aggressiveness, and shaming that comes from them when I don't live up to who they want me to be. I don't know how to get self-esteem in that area. I'm not sure how to deflect the gaslighting when they claim it's all me and I'm just a sorry excuse for a human being. I can know it in my head, but how do I incorporate it into my being.
Showing posts with label expectations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label expectations. Show all posts
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Monday, April 1, 2013
The Elephant in the Room
Easter provided me with lots of opportunities to practice my new narc management skills. I hope to write some posts on how I've been able to manage my NSis and NM better. But for now, NMIL is stuck in my craw. So, again this post will be about her.
I've known for awhile that she will be coming around soon. I've actually had a nice, long break from all of them. I ran into BIL and SIL at an event for the kids. As usually, they were distant and spoke little (if at all...now that I think of it, they really didn't speak to me at all). But it was manageable I had been quite nervous, but I made it through.
Before dinner, my husband took my son to visit a friend. I had asked him to be home by 4 p.m to help me. When he wasn't home at that time, I was annoyed. But I used it at as a moment to practice some restraint and approach things from a place of expressing my feelings rather than unleashing my anger. As I waited the half hour for him to come home, I practiced and practiced how I could approach him in a less aggressive way. When he came in, I simple said "Hi, glad you are home. I had expected you home at 4." He then explained that he had run into the wife of the friend, just as he was leaving and had felt it rude to just take off. OK. I was glad I didn't jump on him the minute he walked in the door. I told him that I had been disappointed he hadn't been home on time (and even if he hadn't run into this woman, he still would've been late.) I told him that I had found it frustrating and that I expected he would come home when we had agreed upon, especially when he knew I really needed his help. He agreed.
It was wonderful. I felt accomplished. I felt like we had communicated and I had been able to get my point across and that it hadn't destroyed the whole tempo of the evening. So, we continued to talk and he remembered that he hadn't called his parents back. He said "Oh, MIL is coming down in a few weeks for FIL's birthday. They will be staying the weekend and want to take us all (meaning us and BIL and SIL and their family) out to dinner." So, this sent little twinges of annoyance through me, but I had expected it. MIL uses FIL's birthday every year, either to invite herself down her or to push us to invite them. No one else in the family has a "big family celebration" but she knows that we will all do it for FIL. Sounds nice, but in the end I know that MIL does this only because it meets her needs. There is an agenda to it: she gets to get the family together, but she can do it under the guise of FIL. It also annoys me that she just makes plans and then expects us to fall in line. She doesn't stay with us, but rather with BIL, so itt's actually a bit sticky. Because really, they have every right to make plans together and it's not at my house so I don't really have a say. But it just seems like this happens all the time. MIL and BIL arrange something and THEN call us to inform us of the plans. No one checks with me and DH to see what is going on with us. Sure, we can refuse to go. We can say we have other plans. But we know there is an implied demand that we comply. It annoys me that, over and over, we are informed of plans after the fact. We are never consulted. And if it didn't work out for us, they wouldn't adjust the plans to include us in the "family" get together.
But, I had expected this birthday bullshit from MIL, so I was better able to handle it. But then DH, more talking out loud than to me said "They are actually coming Tuesday too. They wanted us to meet up at the farm tour. I told (MIL) that we couldn't." So, here we were. Another surprise visit. A visit that it appeared BIL had been made privy too before us, as they had already made plans to go to the farm tour. BIL does talk to MIL almost every day, so it didn't surprise me -and as described above - they make plans and then tack us on all the time. But this time I was pissed and angry and frustrated. My stomach started hurting. I tensed up. I started shaking and getting antsy. What in the hell was going on? My physical reaction seemed so much more extreme than the situation called for, especially since we hadn't been expected to go. This is why MIL is tricky for me, she triggers this feeling all the time and I can't pin point where it comes from.
A little background to the farm tours. The farm is down the street from my house. I discovered this farm tour several years back and began inviting BIL/SIL and their kids to it (along with a mutual family friend). SIl had overheard me talking to another friend on Saturday about the farm tours (they wouldn't have known otherwise). I believe they went with us once. But as is typical with BIL and SIL, they soon quite going with us and started going, either by themselves or with other family members/friends. Of course, they have the right to go whenever they want to. But this isn't the first time this has happened. It isn't the first time they've taken ideas from me and then went with someone else. It isn't the first time they have not invited us to do things with the kids together. In fact, a latest bone of contention is that they NEVER invite us to get together so our kids (cousins of close age) can play. DH has let go of making plans to try and get the kids together and has been surprised to see that they never call us. Ever. After years of making a big deal about "family" and "close cousins" (by BIL and MIL, both), DH can see that, if we don't do the planning, the kids don't get together. So, it sticks in my craw a little that they then choose to do the things, things we've invited them to, with other people. And that's what happened here. BIL decided to have a "family activity" and didn't include us again. It's BIL and SIL and MIL and FIL. We are not family apparently And this has happened over and over and over (in fact, several times the whole family has gotten together- three of the brothers, their wives, and my parents-in-law - without us. MIL even went on and on one night about how my chef BIL was cooking a big meal for them all. They've somehow decided it's OK to exclude us. Whether it's because they believe I wouldn't go because of all the dogs...a legitimate concern for me, but still my decision to make...or because SIL refuses to invite me to her home unless it's perfect and she can maintain her image of perfect wife and mother. She likes to blame me for being "judgmental" about her home but it's really her insecurities, not me being a bitch. Consequently, I haven't been to her home, five minutes away, in three years.)
I was stressed when DH told me this, trying to get a big Easter feast on the table. But hearing about the farm just shut me down. I had to tell him. I had to tell him my feelings. I needed to get it out and I needed his support. But I knew better. I knew he wouldn't understand. I tried to explain how I felt they were somehow taking something over, how it felt wrong somehow, how something was just nagging me. But it sounded stupid. Why couldn't they go to the tour? They HAD invited us after all (well, MIL had invited us technically. Another habit she has. She invites us to do things that I have a feeling BIL or SIL didn't want us invited to, or they would have invited us themselves.) DH looked at me, kind of rolled his eyes, and said "OK" like I was a crazy lunatic. And that's what I'm sure I sounded like. This was EXACTLY why she gets to me in the first place. She creates these weird, naggy, anxiety-ridden feelings in me and I look like a lunatic when I try to explain why.
I thought and thought about it. I consumed a glass of wine. And then it occurred to me what was going on and I tried to explain it again to DH:
MIL is like an elephant. A huge, cartoonish elephant that is running at me full force. You know the kind, like from old Disney cartoons or Looney Tune cartoons. The round elephant with the wild eyes running on two legs with a HUGE grin on her face. And she's running at me with a flag in her hand. Constantly. This woman, sees something that I am doing or have or have created and she is so damned excited about it that she is rushing at me to plant her flag right on top of mine. She just barrels right over the top of me. It's like I'm this little mouse, who has created this beautiful sand castle. She sees it from far off and LOVES it so much that she has to claim it for herself. So, she rushes in, sand flying everywhere, pushing me aside to plant her flag right over the top of mine. She cares not that she is pushing me out of the way. She cares not that she has destroyed what I have created. For her, what belongs to one family member belongs to the others. AND WHY WOULD YOU NOT WANT TO SHARE WITH FAMILY!! the elephant shouts at me. (MIL has actually made a point of claiming, by passive-aggressively "correcting" my son, that family should share. That family does share. There are no boundaries). She doesn't approach me and speak to me about my sand castle and ask if she can play too. She doesn't even fucking acknowledge I'm there. She is a huge, elephant, a wildly excited elephant or just demolishes anything I try to create and takes it for herself. She horns in and pushes and plops down right in the middle of everything. It's clear to me that she hasn't thought about any body else except herself. How she can look like a good grandmother, how she can "create" a family memory (or stamp her name over a family memory that I've created). She'll take credit, she'll brag to her friends about doing it with the kids, she'll speak about this event in the future as when SHE took all of the kids to the farm. It'll be an annual "family thing". And she does this to me over and over and over and over.
But here is the hard part. Others only see a very, happy (if not somewhat comical) elephant. They say "but she can't help she is an elephant!" "She's just excited" they'll exclaim. They won't understand why I'm being so "stingy" with this tour. Why I am being selfish and claiming it as "my own". They won't see how MIL has taken something that I used to invite everyone to, and they declined and now made it something that SHE invites everyone too and we are expected to go. They'll say, why do you need credit? But the thing is, I don't need the credit. But, it's clear to me, that SHE NEEDS THE CREDIT. She has to be in charge and directing it all. No one else sees a brute that is so concerned about her own excitement that she tramples on everyone around her. Or that, even is she notices that she has trampled on my sand castle, it's a small sacrifice so that she can have what she wants. No one sees that she has buried me in the ground. They just see a loving, excited grandma. I see an elephant who is going to beat me down again.
A big, giant, wild-eyed, pay to attention elephant with a flag to plant. That is what she is to me. Recognizing this has helped. I actually was able to communicate this to DH. He actually understood what I was saying and agreed that she is like that.
But what do I do now? How do I stop a charging elephant? How do I deal with these feelings that are pretty legit actually when you look at the "threat" baring down on me?
I've known for awhile that she will be coming around soon. I've actually had a nice, long break from all of them. I ran into BIL and SIL at an event for the kids. As usually, they were distant and spoke little (if at all...now that I think of it, they really didn't speak to me at all). But it was manageable I had been quite nervous, but I made it through.
Before dinner, my husband took my son to visit a friend. I had asked him to be home by 4 p.m to help me. When he wasn't home at that time, I was annoyed. But I used it at as a moment to practice some restraint and approach things from a place of expressing my feelings rather than unleashing my anger. As I waited the half hour for him to come home, I practiced and practiced how I could approach him in a less aggressive way. When he came in, I simple said "Hi, glad you are home. I had expected you home at 4." He then explained that he had run into the wife of the friend, just as he was leaving and had felt it rude to just take off. OK. I was glad I didn't jump on him the minute he walked in the door. I told him that I had been disappointed he hadn't been home on time (and even if he hadn't run into this woman, he still would've been late.) I told him that I had found it frustrating and that I expected he would come home when we had agreed upon, especially when he knew I really needed his help. He agreed.
It was wonderful. I felt accomplished. I felt like we had communicated and I had been able to get my point across and that it hadn't destroyed the whole tempo of the evening. So, we continued to talk and he remembered that he hadn't called his parents back. He said "Oh, MIL is coming down in a few weeks for FIL's birthday. They will be staying the weekend and want to take us all (meaning us and BIL and SIL and their family) out to dinner." So, this sent little twinges of annoyance through me, but I had expected it. MIL uses FIL's birthday every year, either to invite herself down her or to push us to invite them. No one else in the family has a "big family celebration" but she knows that we will all do it for FIL. Sounds nice, but in the end I know that MIL does this only because it meets her needs. There is an agenda to it: she gets to get the family together, but she can do it under the guise of FIL. It also annoys me that she just makes plans and then expects us to fall in line. She doesn't stay with us, but rather with BIL, so itt's actually a bit sticky. Because really, they have every right to make plans together and it's not at my house so I don't really have a say. But it just seems like this happens all the time. MIL and BIL arrange something and THEN call us to inform us of the plans. No one checks with me and DH to see what is going on with us. Sure, we can refuse to go. We can say we have other plans. But we know there is an implied demand that we comply. It annoys me that, over and over, we are informed of plans after the fact. We are never consulted. And if it didn't work out for us, they wouldn't adjust the plans to include us in the "family" get together.
But, I had expected this birthday bullshit from MIL, so I was better able to handle it. But then DH, more talking out loud than to me said "They are actually coming Tuesday too. They wanted us to meet up at the farm tour. I told (MIL) that we couldn't." So, here we were. Another surprise visit. A visit that it appeared BIL had been made privy too before us, as they had already made plans to go to the farm tour. BIL does talk to MIL almost every day, so it didn't surprise me -and as described above - they make plans and then tack us on all the time. But this time I was pissed and angry and frustrated. My stomach started hurting. I tensed up. I started shaking and getting antsy. What in the hell was going on? My physical reaction seemed so much more extreme than the situation called for, especially since we hadn't been expected to go. This is why MIL is tricky for me, she triggers this feeling all the time and I can't pin point where it comes from.
A little background to the farm tours. The farm is down the street from my house. I discovered this farm tour several years back and began inviting BIL/SIL and their kids to it (along with a mutual family friend). SIl had overheard me talking to another friend on Saturday about the farm tours (they wouldn't have known otherwise). I believe they went with us once. But as is typical with BIL and SIL, they soon quite going with us and started going, either by themselves or with other family members/friends. Of course, they have the right to go whenever they want to. But this isn't the first time this has happened. It isn't the first time they've taken ideas from me and then went with someone else. It isn't the first time they have not invited us to do things with the kids together. In fact, a latest bone of contention is that they NEVER invite us to get together so our kids (cousins of close age) can play. DH has let go of making plans to try and get the kids together and has been surprised to see that they never call us. Ever. After years of making a big deal about "family" and "close cousins" (by BIL and MIL, both), DH can see that, if we don't do the planning, the kids don't get together. So, it sticks in my craw a little that they then choose to do the things, things we've invited them to, with other people. And that's what happened here. BIL decided to have a "family activity" and didn't include us again. It's BIL and SIL and MIL and FIL. We are not family apparently And this has happened over and over and over (in fact, several times the whole family has gotten together- three of the brothers, their wives, and my parents-in-law - without us. MIL even went on and on one night about how my chef BIL was cooking a big meal for them all. They've somehow decided it's OK to exclude us. Whether it's because they believe I wouldn't go because of all the dogs...a legitimate concern for me, but still my decision to make...or because SIL refuses to invite me to her home unless it's perfect and she can maintain her image of perfect wife and mother. She likes to blame me for being "judgmental" about her home but it's really her insecurities, not me being a bitch. Consequently, I haven't been to her home, five minutes away, in three years.)
I was stressed when DH told me this, trying to get a big Easter feast on the table. But hearing about the farm just shut me down. I had to tell him. I had to tell him my feelings. I needed to get it out and I needed his support. But I knew better. I knew he wouldn't understand. I tried to explain how I felt they were somehow taking something over, how it felt wrong somehow, how something was just nagging me. But it sounded stupid. Why couldn't they go to the tour? They HAD invited us after all (well, MIL had invited us technically. Another habit she has. She invites us to do things that I have a feeling BIL or SIL didn't want us invited to, or they would have invited us themselves.) DH looked at me, kind of rolled his eyes, and said "OK" like I was a crazy lunatic. And that's what I'm sure I sounded like. This was EXACTLY why she gets to me in the first place. She creates these weird, naggy, anxiety-ridden feelings in me and I look like a lunatic when I try to explain why.
I thought and thought about it. I consumed a glass of wine. And then it occurred to me what was going on and I tried to explain it again to DH:
MIL is like an elephant. A huge, cartoonish elephant that is running at me full force. You know the kind, like from old Disney cartoons or Looney Tune cartoons. The round elephant with the wild eyes running on two legs with a HUGE grin on her face. And she's running at me with a flag in her hand. Constantly. This woman, sees something that I am doing or have or have created and she is so damned excited about it that she is rushing at me to plant her flag right on top of mine. She just barrels right over the top of me. It's like I'm this little mouse, who has created this beautiful sand castle. She sees it from far off and LOVES it so much that she has to claim it for herself. So, she rushes in, sand flying everywhere, pushing me aside to plant her flag right over the top of mine. She cares not that she is pushing me out of the way. She cares not that she has destroyed what I have created. For her, what belongs to one family member belongs to the others. AND WHY WOULD YOU NOT WANT TO SHARE WITH FAMILY!! the elephant shouts at me. (MIL has actually made a point of claiming, by passive-aggressively "correcting" my son, that family should share. That family does share. There are no boundaries). She doesn't approach me and speak to me about my sand castle and ask if she can play too. She doesn't even fucking acknowledge I'm there. She is a huge, elephant, a wildly excited elephant or just demolishes anything I try to create and takes it for herself. She horns in and pushes and plops down right in the middle of everything. It's clear to me that she hasn't thought about any body else except herself. How she can look like a good grandmother, how she can "create" a family memory (or stamp her name over a family memory that I've created). She'll take credit, she'll brag to her friends about doing it with the kids, she'll speak about this event in the future as when SHE took all of the kids to the farm. It'll be an annual "family thing". And she does this to me over and over and over and over.
But here is the hard part. Others only see a very, happy (if not somewhat comical) elephant. They say "but she can't help she is an elephant!" "She's just excited" they'll exclaim. They won't understand why I'm being so "stingy" with this tour. Why I am being selfish and claiming it as "my own". They won't see how MIL has taken something that I used to invite everyone to, and they declined and now made it something that SHE invites everyone too and we are expected to go. They'll say, why do you need credit? But the thing is, I don't need the credit. But, it's clear to me, that SHE NEEDS THE CREDIT. She has to be in charge and directing it all. No one else sees a brute that is so concerned about her own excitement that she tramples on everyone around her. Or that, even is she notices that she has trampled on my sand castle, it's a small sacrifice so that she can have what she wants. No one sees that she has buried me in the ground. They just see a loving, excited grandma. I see an elephant who is going to beat me down again.
A big, giant, wild-eyed, pay to attention elephant with a flag to plant. That is what she is to me. Recognizing this has helped. I actually was able to communicate this to DH. He actually understood what I was saying and agreed that she is like that.
But what do I do now? How do I stop a charging elephant? How do I deal with these feelings that are pretty legit actually when you look at the "threat" baring down on me?
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Bad Days
I'm having a bad day. I'm not sure exactly why. I know I'm depressed and sad and teary. I'm tired and overwhelmed. I feel like I have a lot to do but no energy or desire to do anything. I'm irritable and cranky. I'm being extra hard on myself today. I'm questioning everything from my mothering to my goals in life to what the hell the point of any of it is.
Yesterday, a friend (I'll call friend EP) had texted DH a few weeks ago asking our plans for Trick or Treating. Last year, we had plans for BIL and EP and their kids to come to our home and TorT. Both BIL and EP had asked if they could come over, we hadn't invited them. But we were happy to have them and their kids over. Since I had a small infant at the time, we had told BIL and EP that we planned to go out early and while still daylight. This plan had been in place for a week. A few days before hand, BIL called twice to see if "things were still on". I found this suspect, as he usually doesn't double check plans, but didn't think much of it. On Halloween, DH came home to tell me that no one was coming. Apparently, EP and BIL had called each other earlier in the day, discussed how they didn't think the time I'd set to leave would work for them, and made plans with each other at EP's house. They THEN called DH to cancel on us. I wouldn't have cared if they had cancelled. I understood it was difficult for them. What bothered me is that no one said a thing for a week (both later claimed that they had not spoken to their wives and their wives put the ax on things.) and then the called each other and made alternative plans with each other, before the blew us off two hours before we were supposed to meet up. I felt it was all suspect. I fired off two texts to BIL and EP about how I thought it all seemed like b.s. and convoluted. BIL (surprise) ignored me. EP and I exchanged heated texts about the incident. He claimed it wasn't intentional, apologized, and moved on. Although, I was angry, I felt that I'd at least gotten to speak my piece.
I was surprised this year when EP called to ask what our plans were for TorT. Of course, (and especially given our recent silent treatment status), BIL didn't ask about our plans at all. But EP was coming. DH explained that we are die-hard TorT people. We'd go out early and be out late, but they were welcome to come if it worked for them. EP said he'd be there as long as his work schedule didn't change. By mid-afternoon, DH hadn't heard from EP and was going to call him. I convinced him not to. I told him that EP needed to be responsible for communicating with us. It is not our job to call and double check everything with them (and everyone) all the time. I want to let other people do some of the work in the relationship. So, the appointed time came and went. No friend. No phone call. Still no phone call today. He just completely blew us off.
And today I'm a bit pissed off. After the huge fiasco last year, I would've thought he'd been more respectful. It just all seems like such bullshit.
I struggle with friendships. I don't trust anyone really. I have lots of friends but I often feel like the relationships are one way streets. I have friends (and family) who love for me to host parties. They love to invite themselves to my home. I can't tell you when the last time someone invited me and my family to something. I can't tell you the last time someone hosted me in their home. I get lots of "I miss you! We should make plans!!" but they don't ever call to make plans. They always seem to put the responsibility on me.
DH has been pressuring me to go out with girlfriends. I get the impression that he thinks that if I went out with a couple of friends that I would "feel better". He likes to have a lot of friends. He has a lot of friends. He seems not to get that, yes, I need time for myself, but it doesn't always have to be with friends or at a "girls' night" in order to feel better.
And the truth is that I don't really know how to be friends with girls. DH also has some fucked up distortion that I was a loner and an outcast as a kid. That wasn't true. I actually had a lot of friends. I had a few close friends. I tended to feel responsible to spend time with my family, to always be with my family, so I probably didn't hang out with others as much as I could've. But I always had friends. I made (and still make) friends easily. I just don't know how to sustain any sort of relationship. I was screwed over A LOT by my "friends" in the past. I found women to be gossipy and catty and two-faced (and I realize not all women are, but the ones I found were.) And then others just wanted too much of me. Too much phone time, too much neediness, too much of me. I always seemed to find friends who made me feel demanded of my time. Or else it was all one sided.
I'll admit, I'm lonely at times. I spend all day with my young children, deprived of adult conversations. I wish I could just let go and have fun and talk with people. But I feel like every time I give someone the benefit of the doubt, they shit on me. I feel like I'll be overwhelmed with demands and expectations. I feel like they will take more than I can give. I don't think I can be a good friend back. And I sometimes feel so overwhelmed with my home and my kids and my crap that I can't commit any more of myself to a friendship. I really don't have anything else to give. I barely have enough for myself at times. It's a really unfortunate paradox for me.
Yesterday, a friend (I'll call friend EP) had texted DH a few weeks ago asking our plans for Trick or Treating. Last year, we had plans for BIL and EP and their kids to come to our home and TorT. Both BIL and EP had asked if they could come over, we hadn't invited them. But we were happy to have them and their kids over. Since I had a small infant at the time, we had told BIL and EP that we planned to go out early and while still daylight. This plan had been in place for a week. A few days before hand, BIL called twice to see if "things were still on". I found this suspect, as he usually doesn't double check plans, but didn't think much of it. On Halloween, DH came home to tell me that no one was coming. Apparently, EP and BIL had called each other earlier in the day, discussed how they didn't think the time I'd set to leave would work for them, and made plans with each other at EP's house. They THEN called DH to cancel on us. I wouldn't have cared if they had cancelled. I understood it was difficult for them. What bothered me is that no one said a thing for a week (both later claimed that they had not spoken to their wives and their wives put the ax on things.) and then the called each other and made alternative plans with each other, before the blew us off two hours before we were supposed to meet up. I felt it was all suspect. I fired off two texts to BIL and EP about how I thought it all seemed like b.s. and convoluted. BIL (surprise) ignored me. EP and I exchanged heated texts about the incident. He claimed it wasn't intentional, apologized, and moved on. Although, I was angry, I felt that I'd at least gotten to speak my piece.
I was surprised this year when EP called to ask what our plans were for TorT. Of course, (and especially given our recent silent treatment status), BIL didn't ask about our plans at all. But EP was coming. DH explained that we are die-hard TorT people. We'd go out early and be out late, but they were welcome to come if it worked for them. EP said he'd be there as long as his work schedule didn't change. By mid-afternoon, DH hadn't heard from EP and was going to call him. I convinced him not to. I told him that EP needed to be responsible for communicating with us. It is not our job to call and double check everything with them (and everyone) all the time. I want to let other people do some of the work in the relationship. So, the appointed time came and went. No friend. No phone call. Still no phone call today. He just completely blew us off.
And today I'm a bit pissed off. After the huge fiasco last year, I would've thought he'd been more respectful. It just all seems like such bullshit.
I struggle with friendships. I don't trust anyone really. I have lots of friends but I often feel like the relationships are one way streets. I have friends (and family) who love for me to host parties. They love to invite themselves to my home. I can't tell you when the last time someone invited me and my family to something. I can't tell you the last time someone hosted me in their home. I get lots of "I miss you! We should make plans!!" but they don't ever call to make plans. They always seem to put the responsibility on me.
DH has been pressuring me to go out with girlfriends. I get the impression that he thinks that if I went out with a couple of friends that I would "feel better". He likes to have a lot of friends. He has a lot of friends. He seems not to get that, yes, I need time for myself, but it doesn't always have to be with friends or at a "girls' night" in order to feel better.
And the truth is that I don't really know how to be friends with girls. DH also has some fucked up distortion that I was a loner and an outcast as a kid. That wasn't true. I actually had a lot of friends. I had a few close friends. I tended to feel responsible to spend time with my family, to always be with my family, so I probably didn't hang out with others as much as I could've. But I always had friends. I made (and still make) friends easily. I just don't know how to sustain any sort of relationship. I was screwed over A LOT by my "friends" in the past. I found women to be gossipy and catty and two-faced (and I realize not all women are, but the ones I found were.) And then others just wanted too much of me. Too much phone time, too much neediness, too much of me. I always seemed to find friends who made me feel demanded of my time. Or else it was all one sided.
I'll admit, I'm lonely at times. I spend all day with my young children, deprived of adult conversations. I wish I could just let go and have fun and talk with people. But I feel like every time I give someone the benefit of the doubt, they shit on me. I feel like I'll be overwhelmed with demands and expectations. I feel like they will take more than I can give. I don't think I can be a good friend back. And I sometimes feel so overwhelmed with my home and my kids and my crap that I can't commit any more of myself to a friendship. I really don't have anything else to give. I barely have enough for myself at times. It's a really unfortunate paradox for me.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Baby Steps of Learning
I had originally intended to title this post "Will I Ever Learn?". But, upon thinking about what I wanted to write, I realized that I had learned. A lot.
After the incident with my Dad, I really wanted to call my mom. I wanted to commiserate and complain and I knew that she would side with me. Well, at least that's what I had wanted. But then I started to play out the conversation in my head. Would she see my side? Yes. Would it confirm to her that my Dad can be an ass? Yes. Would she be supportive and sympathetic and kind to me? Probably not. Probably what would happen is that she would find some way to point out that my dad never goes and visits my sister. How my sister really gets the short end of the shift. She'd find some way to personalize my not wanting my dad to visit, find a way to shore up her point that I never let any of the grandparents visit. That I block them from our lives if it doesn't all go "my way". Would she make my dad the villain? Yes. Would she see me as a victim? Hell no.
So, after processing and thinking about it and setting my expectations extremely low, I called. She spent a lot of time talking about her recent vacation. I had asked her about it. I had wanted to hear about the trip in general. Instead, I got a play-by-play. What they did each and every day. What everyone ordered at every meal. Literally, a moment by moment recount of every fricking little thing they did (i.e. "Then we stopped at a shop to buy a sweater. Then we walked down the street. Then we grabbed a taxi.) The excruciating details were mind numbing. Luckily, my stepdad was within ear shot so I was spared the dramatics of the family interactions (until later when he left, but fortunately I had to get of the phone then.) It's funny how she can't speak freely about things in front of him. She even mentioned that having him and my sister's boyfriend on the trip made it difficult to talk. That she was "used to" having her one-on-one time and this cramped her style. We talked a lot about the trip. I told her a little about the kids. She made forlorn statements about how big they must be getting, how much they must have changed (she saw them not long ago, but you'd think it was last year).
Then, I just barged in with my dad story. She was measured in her response. She questioned me. A lot. She questioned exactly what I had told him. How the whole thing went down. Went over points repeatedly. Implied that it was really too bad that I couldn't just rearrange my plans with friends (because after all, they are just my friends, not family. And family should have priority.). Haughtily asked "where are you going?" when she found out we might be leaving one weekend. Then, she gave my sister credit for the reason my dad even tried to come in the first place. She, very likely, believes this. But I know the fact is that he called her while we were in the middle of planning everything. I know that he has been trying to contact her for months and she won't return his phone calls. So, once again, my sister is the "strong, take charge" one. She is responsible for it. I could feel it all going down hill quickly. I stated bluntly that I don't have to deal with him. That I did all that I could to make this work. That I would not be bullied and strong armed. That I had no desire to bow down to him whenever he wanted. I could feel the ice on the other end of the phone. She took all that I had said personally. Which is fine. She probably needed to hear that too.
And then I decided to end the phone call. Nm was getting all wound up now. She started her desperate acts of talking none stop to keep me on the phone. Ignoring my attempts to get off. Knowing damn well I had to go. She starts up new conversations. I keep saying I've got to go. She says "I love you!" at the end. I ignore it and say "bye!"
Did it sting a little? Sure. But I didn't feel the heart wrenching ache I usually feel. I didn't feel the hole in my heart. I didn't feel let down. Because I knew what would happen. And she played her role perfectly. Like it was a script she was reading from. I got my "obligatory" phone call in. I did what I felt I needed to do and called. And hopefully, that should by me some time. Fill up my "phone call" quota for awhile.
I did get THREE emails this morning. Demands for lists for an upcoming birthday. A slew of concerns over medical concerns of a relative (it could be cancer!! -read the dramatics here), her medical ailments. On and on. But I didn't feel compelled to respond. I just ignored them. And moved on.
After the incident with my Dad, I really wanted to call my mom. I wanted to commiserate and complain and I knew that she would side with me. Well, at least that's what I had wanted. But then I started to play out the conversation in my head. Would she see my side? Yes. Would it confirm to her that my Dad can be an ass? Yes. Would she be supportive and sympathetic and kind to me? Probably not. Probably what would happen is that she would find some way to point out that my dad never goes and visits my sister. How my sister really gets the short end of the shift. She'd find some way to personalize my not wanting my dad to visit, find a way to shore up her point that I never let any of the grandparents visit. That I block them from our lives if it doesn't all go "my way". Would she make my dad the villain? Yes. Would she see me as a victim? Hell no.
So, after processing and thinking about it and setting my expectations extremely low, I called. She spent a lot of time talking about her recent vacation. I had asked her about it. I had wanted to hear about the trip in general. Instead, I got a play-by-play. What they did each and every day. What everyone ordered at every meal. Literally, a moment by moment recount of every fricking little thing they did (i.e. "Then we stopped at a shop to buy a sweater. Then we walked down the street. Then we grabbed a taxi.) The excruciating details were mind numbing. Luckily, my stepdad was within ear shot so I was spared the dramatics of the family interactions (until later when he left, but fortunately I had to get of the phone then.) It's funny how she can't speak freely about things in front of him. She even mentioned that having him and my sister's boyfriend on the trip made it difficult to talk. That she was "used to" having her one-on-one time and this cramped her style. We talked a lot about the trip. I told her a little about the kids. She made forlorn statements about how big they must be getting, how much they must have changed (she saw them not long ago, but you'd think it was last year).
Then, I just barged in with my dad story. She was measured in her response. She questioned me. A lot. She questioned exactly what I had told him. How the whole thing went down. Went over points repeatedly. Implied that it was really too bad that I couldn't just rearrange my plans with friends (because after all, they are just my friends, not family. And family should have priority.). Haughtily asked "where are you going?" when she found out we might be leaving one weekend. Then, she gave my sister credit for the reason my dad even tried to come in the first place. She, very likely, believes this. But I know the fact is that he called her while we were in the middle of planning everything. I know that he has been trying to contact her for months and she won't return his phone calls. So, once again, my sister is the "strong, take charge" one. She is responsible for it. I could feel it all going down hill quickly. I stated bluntly that I don't have to deal with him. That I did all that I could to make this work. That I would not be bullied and strong armed. That I had no desire to bow down to him whenever he wanted. I could feel the ice on the other end of the phone. She took all that I had said personally. Which is fine. She probably needed to hear that too.
And then I decided to end the phone call. Nm was getting all wound up now. She started her desperate acts of talking none stop to keep me on the phone. Ignoring my attempts to get off. Knowing damn well I had to go. She starts up new conversations. I keep saying I've got to go. She says "I love you!" at the end. I ignore it and say "bye!"
Did it sting a little? Sure. But I didn't feel the heart wrenching ache I usually feel. I didn't feel the hole in my heart. I didn't feel let down. Because I knew what would happen. And she played her role perfectly. Like it was a script she was reading from. I got my "obligatory" phone call in. I did what I felt I needed to do and called. And hopefully, that should by me some time. Fill up my "phone call" quota for awhile.
I did get THREE emails this morning. Demands for lists for an upcoming birthday. A slew of concerns over medical concerns of a relative (it could be cancer!! -read the dramatics here), her medical ailments. On and on. But I didn't feel compelled to respond. I just ignored them. And moved on.
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