On Saturday, they showed up at my son's game. They had been told about it, but hadn't confirmed they were coming, so I figured they weren't. No suck luck. MIL bustled immediately next to DH, so close their chairs touched. She then preceded her "interrogation". Or at least that's what if felt like to me. Question after question after question. "Does DS have a woman teacher? Does he eat hot or cold lunch? When does he get home?" "What kind of party is DS having? What decorations did you buy? What is he having a cake or cupcakes? What kind?" Writing it down doesn't sound so bad, but it was just one question after another. There was no "conversation" to the conversation. She would ask a question and DH would answer. And then another immediate question. There was no open ended questions in which a conversation could be sparked. She directed none of the questions at me. DH believes that she is "just trying to make conversation" and "doesn't know what to say". Maybe. Her anxiety is palatable (which is so odd, because she isn't an "anxious" person in general. DH believes that I make her anxious. I also believe that my NM makes her anxious. )
When the woman walked up, I gave a half-assed wave (and I will admit, she makes my skin crawl. I wish, with all I'm worth, that I didn't feel so anxious, angry, and irritated around her. That I could just emotionally disconnect like I've learned to do with my NM. I'm not sure why this is, but I believe it has something to do with her still having "hooks" in my DH and me feeling like she can still control me through him.) I don't make more of an effort because I don't want to encourage her. I am not interested in being her friend or having a relationship. This bothers DH. I am willing to tolerate her and be cordial, but I'm not interested in being friendly. DH sees this as "contributing" to the problem.
But I will point out that MIL didn't say hi to me either. She gave a general wave to the group. Several times she asked questions or made comments that really should've been directed at me. "Wow" she told DH "that's a nice camera you have". I was holding the camera, the whole family knows that I take all the family photos, and she's seen my camera a DOZEN times or more, which made the "compliment" seem phony and bullshitty. I will also say I was anxious about my son's game, tired, stressed from NM, and hadn't made conversation with anyone else either. MIL also proceeded to tell DH who of his brothers were coming to the party the next day. It annoyed me that none of them had bothered to call DH himself. It is this sort of thing that makes me feel enmeshed and icky and like all information has to go through MIL. She has to know EVERYTHING that is going on. But no one else sees it like that.
Anyway, when we got home, DH and I were discussing it and he said he felt we "both contributed" and "both to blame" and that neither of us tried. I suppose this is true, but I told him that I had purposely not made any effort to see what happened. In my analysis of the situation, if I don't approach MIL, if I don't make myself available, then SHE gets all anxious and weird and closes off. I pointed out that both MIL and BIL expect everyone to come to them. And if they don't, then they just ignore you. As MIL and BIL are not shy and are very outgoing people, I can only see this as a self-centered N trait.
The next day at the party, ALL of my ILs came into the party, greeted the woman I was talking to and walked past me. Granted, I had my back to them, but seriously. They know it was me. When I called "hello" to MIL as she skirted past me, she quickly turned, gave a phony
A bit later, NM approached me and relayed a story in which FIL asked if my son would participate in a particular sport (not ironically, the sport my husband was a "star" in and that everyone associates DH with. I am not fond of this sport for a number of reasons. Some of which is that meets take all day and that you often spend most of your weekend at them, as opposed to say baseball where you spend a couple of hours one day. I also think some of the things children are expected to do for this sport are not healthy. And I don't want to push my kid to do something just because his dad did. And my kid already does other sports. Plus I want him in other activities BESIDES sports.) Anyway, NM said "Jessie doesn't want him to." FIL replied "so it's all about Jessie?"
I'll admit, this one crushed me. I know they think I control my kids and DH. I know they think I'm over cautious with my kids and uptight. But it hurt to hear him say this about me. I thought I, slightly, had an ally with FIL. And the truth is, this sport is what FIL wants DS to do. FIL also was very pushy in having DH do this sport. In fact, FIL is often to wrapped into sports and I think it is his way of escaping reality. He can talk sports with his kids and think he's connecting. I've often seen him retreat into sports during family functions. I even found him in the bar during my wedding reception watching a football game.
In addition, I was giving several other bits of bad news. And my girl, who keeps claiming she wants to be my friend, who I've confided in about my family issues, who knows these parties are hard for me, decided to DROP OFF HER DAUGHTER SO SHE COULD GO SHOPPING. She could see I was visibly shaken when she stopped and still left.
MIL approached me and my son later with some more of her interrogations. She wonders why the kids don't have a relationship with her, but all she does is fire off questions. She doesn't take time to really listen or ask them things so that THEY can talk and share with her. During the party she stood between the two play areas. This is typical for her. She doesn't bother to go in, play with the kids, or interact (all other parents do, except my FIL who, surprise, watches football). She also approached me toward the end of the party and asked "Can I put the food away?" I'd already put away most of it, but left out the snacks, as we had 20 more minutes. It always drives me nuts how she only offers to help with very specific jobs. She doesn't ask what she can do, but offers up what she wants to do. And if you say yes, she doesn't ask how you'd like things (like where to put them) but just starts stuffing things wherever. NM does the same thing. I'm sure I'm being petty, but it doesn't feel like they are helping when they are steam rolling over me and not asking how I need things done.
SIL spoke to me briefly. BIL (MIL's GC) didn't say hi at all. This is a game we play, as I rarely say hi to him because I (accidently) discovered that if I didn't approach him (over a year ago) he just ignored me. For an entire year, I just didn't say hello first. And he just ignored me. When I did say hello, he would talk to me. It's very, very strange.
I went home from the party shattered. I was bummed I had such a horrible time and had ended up in a back room crying by myself. I felt horrible that I couldn't enjoy my son's party. I felt sad and guilty that I was having drama during his party. I only hope that I pulled myself together enough and that he didn't notice. I really tried to connect with the children (and a few adult friends) and stay out of the fray. I didn't say anything to MIL, and she kept dancing around me, but I had no desire at that point.
DH was oblivious to all of this all. When we got home, I left the kids to play with their toys and my stepdad and went to cry (again) in my walk in closet. He came to find me and I could see he was visibly shaken when I told him what happened. He was kind and consoling, but he didn't say that his father was wrong. He said he was surprised his dad said that and was sure he was joking. I said, even if he was joking, it wasn't very kind.
DH didn't sleep at all that night. He is so upset about this all. I think he KNOWS how things are. I mean, he can't deny that his parents don't make an effort to actually get to know his kid. That just "being in the room" with them doesn't count. That his brothers are horribly uncles who only pay attention to the kids when they want to. That they don't make any effort to actually be involved with our kids. He can't deny that the family has issues.
But he can NOT let go of the fact that he wants is family in his life. The next day I told him that by making a big deal out of his parents or uncles throwing crumbs at our kids, he is teaching them that is all they are worth. He said I'm teaching our kids that I can't have a decent relationship with ANYONE in the family (I pointed out later that this is a generalization and splitting and just not true). I pointed out that I have just as good a relationship with most of them as he does. I'm just not satisfied with surface-y relationships and relationships in which real love and support and affiliation is absent.
I know this is killing DH. I know he wants a big family, huge celebrations, love and support. I get that. But he can't get that he never had that BEFORE I pointed it out. That, many years ago, when I DID TRY, the relationship wasn't any better. That NM and my sister (yes, he threw my sister at me) are impossible to have a family relationship with. He knows that this is a particular vulnerable thing for me, to say it's just me, and saying that NM and my sister is my problem is just bullshit. And he knows it too. And frankly, I think I have been dealing with NM just fine, considering I haven't completely cut her off.
I don't know where to go from here with him about this. He seems stuck in the "put up with it" phase. Or the denial phase. Or somewhere in between. He simultaneously tells me that my mother and sister are the craziest people he's every met, that he doesn't like either of them, but then tells me that I'm teaching my kids not to have relationships with immediate family. I feel stuck, as what he says is technically true. I am keeping my mother and sister at arm's length. But that's due to THEM, not me.
We've been going around this all for two days. I get that he's feeling sad and depressed. I've told him I'm not asking him to cut off his family, only to look at it realistically. To quit putting more into it (and describing it) as more than it is. To get rid of some of that baggage so we can make room for people who really do love us. To try and help me work on healthy boundaries, healthy ways of interacting (with them and us) so that we can teach our kids that. To set boundaries with his family. To stick up and protect his wife and kids from their scapegoating and favoritism (did I mention MIL blatantly favors my older son? This is one of the things that has finally helped DS see the light.)
I get how hard this is for him, the grieving, the denial, the wanting it to be different. And I'm thankful he's not so anger and completely blaming me anymore. I've seen his empathy for me and his commitment to our marriage and family grown. I know he can look at our boys (whom everyone says are so smart, well behaved, sweet, and considerate) and see that, if I was the stingy bitch they think I am, the kids wouldn't be so great (a lot is just because I have great kids, but I have helped). I just don't know how to move from here. I don't know what to do. I know that I'm ready to speak up, and fuck them if they don't like it. I know that I'm going to try to focus on what I want and need and not feel guilty. I just don't know if he can go there.
