Releasing the past in order to find myself

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Worm Vent

Is it just me, or do narcissists have a way of implanting things in your brain?  Like little worms that crawl in an infest your brain with toxicity.  It seems that NM has away of implanting little things in my head.  I don't always feel it at first, or maybe it's just like a pin prick.  But then days or weeks later, I begin to think about some little things she slipped into the conversation.  Some little wormy piece of subterfuge that burrows in, waiting for an opportune moment.   Like a bomb on a timer, implanted way into the bowels of my soul, ticking away waiting to blow.

I used to think I was just over analyzing things.  That I was thinking too much about stuff.  DH tells me that.  And probably, that is somewhat true.  But I think there is a lot to it.  I don't think NM always does it intentionally.  Sometimes she does.  Sometimes it's a little passive-agressive remark, slipped in under my arm to nail me in a weak spot.  Something so passive-aggressive I don't even understand the full effect of her words until later.  Sometimes, I think I'm just so busy blocking her blows that I can't fully pay attention to what she says.  I'm ducking and weaving and doing my best to avoid her traps.  It's not until later, when I'm able to put my guard down that I can actual attend to what she said.  And sometimes, her little barbs are just a by-product of who she is.  Sneaky, subversive and manipulative.  It's so a part of who she is, I don't always recognize it.

Something she said in our recent conversation has gotten under my skin.  I noticed it right away, but it's still annoying me now.  And I need to vent, to dispel the little toxic worm from my brain.

NM told me that she knows things about my sister that "would make (my) toes curl."  She hinted that she is a bastion of untold secrets, vile, horrible things that she has been burdened with.    That she alone carries this burden.  She's told me crap like this before.  She's insinuated that she carries the weight of the world on her shoulders with NSis's secrets (as well as other's secrets that she's also been burdened with).  This bothers me for so many reasons.

First, it's like she's throwing it in my face.  As I discussed with my last post on worrying,  she implies (indirectly) that by not being burdened with said secrets, I am somehow lesser than her.  I'm a less supportive family member, I'm less involved, I'm just less.  It is somehow a flaw of mine.  She implies that she is somehow stronger, better, and more attuned to my sister.  She implies that she is more giving, more involved, more...well, just more.  She somehow finds it to be a check mark in her "win" category. 

I want to scream at her, "what the hell do you want, a medal?".  I wonder what is the "appropriate" response she expects?  What am I possibly supposed to say to that?  I could ask her what the secrets are.  But she would never tell.  She just likes to dance around, claiming her superiority at knowing said secrets.  And am I supposed to want to know these secrets?  Am I supposed to feel sorrier for my sister with this mystery knowledge?  It makes me angry that she hints how horrible and awful the information is, and lets me imagine all the disgusting, vile things it could be without every really telling me what it is.   I find it so childish and immature.

And really, I think it's ridiculous she knows this shit to begin with.  There are things about me that would curl her toes.  But I don't tell her everything.  She's my mother.  She doesn't need to know all of my deepest and darkest secrets (not that there is a lot, but I would surely shock prim and proper her).   I wonder if she thinks she is somehow better for swimming down in my sister's shit with her.  I wonder if she thinks she is a good mom because my sister tells her everything.  Good for them.  I think I'll pass.

I hate that she gets off on this.  I hate that she even brings it up.  I hate that she uses it to chastise me.  I hate that it irritates me after the fact.  I hate that she thinks this is a good thing, or an honorable thing, or that somehow she is a "better" person than me for having all this sullied knowledge.  I hate that she thinks I'm a "lesser" person because I am not involved.  And how could I be involved?  Just another lose/lose wormy little situation.


  1. AS you listen to your mother blabber, mentally replace the word secrets with lies and it will make more sense.

  2. Your mom probably thinks being a secret keeper makes her special. Yuck. It's probably nothing that she knows, just that she likes to be the center of drama.

    1. I know, that's what bugs me. She thinks wallowing in this vile crap makes her special and "above" everyone. Ick, ick, ick.

    2. I can totally empathize with you.

  3. Perhaps a little different perspective, sounded to me like an old game of "Tick-Tock the game is locked, nobody else can play." She is 'in' and you are 'out.' Kind of making you an outsider in your own family. When this happened to me it took me a while to realize that A. I don't want to know. B. I don't need to know. C. I don't care. (I loved finally getting to C.) Years later when I found out one of the "secrets" it was something that I thought was common knowledge and she was the only one that believed it was a secret. Recognizing the strange behaviors of narcissistic parents is the first line of building a defense.

    1. Very good point, Ruth. I do think she's implying that I am an outsider in the family.

      And I'm sure all of the "secrets" are not as dramatic as she likes to make them out to be.

  4. My NM and a few N friends I used to have would use it as a way of hooking me, teasing me closer. Best cure I found for this was to ignore and finally learn not to care. I can't go physically no contact, but I can go emotionally no contact.

  5. Oh, yes, I even titled one of my posts as "Blogging the Parasite Out of My Head." As I wrote there, "The other trouble is that abusers can so worm their way into your head that even though a part of you is screaming that you're not the one in the wrong, you're not the one behaving badly, another part of you keeps thinking, 'What if she's right? What if I really am the one behaving badly?' I've been fighting this for years, not since 7/1/10 or the e-mails she sent me 8/1/10, but since January 2008. It gets imbedded so deeply that it almost seems impossible to get out. It's like a parasite.

    "Blogging is helping me to get it out, finally, because not only can I write about what happened, but I have all sorts of private writings which I can look back at later and see what I wrote, and I also have this foundation already written on which I can build with more memories and insights as they come to me....I must keep blogging to get the parasite out of my system once and for all, so I can be free at last of Tracy's influence."

    Yes, my N saw that post a couple of months later. And tried to put her hooks into me yet again, put that parasite in just as I was getting it out, tried to make me into the evil one again.

    So no, it's not just you. Not at all. This seems to be narcissist modus operandi.