Releasing the past in order to find myself

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Real Life Examples

For my friends out there, struggling with what is narcissism, here are some examples from my mother's recent visit which highlight her manipulative self.  None of them, in and of themselves, means too much, but taken as a whole, they paint a picture of crazy.  And keep in mind, these are just a few, a very few from this ONE weekend. 

*The day my parents were set to arrive, I was noticing how beautiful it was in my town.  My actual thought was "wow, it looks like Ireland here, it is so green, I'll bet NM comments on how green and pretty it is".  When NM shows up, she gets to talking about the rain in her part of the state.  "It's just green and lush, not like the rest of the state, which is so brown."  I glance out the window.  I say "You mean, between here and there, because it's pretty green outside, we've had lots of rain."  "No" she says, "It looks brown here, compared to home."  Um, OK.  She goes on and on.  And while I can agree she's partially correct, that between here and there is dry and brown, any fool can look out the window and see how beautiful it is here.  But she won't let it go (and frankly,  I couldn't really either.  I mean the woman was insistent that my eyes were deceiving me.)  It was pure competition (and really, who the fuck cares?).  But I couldn't understand how she could think I would agree with her. 

*She was showing me pictures one night that she'd taken at the party.  She has one of my husband and MIL.  MIL is cuddled up behind my husband and my skin crawls.  I cringe.  MIL does have a habit of clinging to my husband in pictures, but this is ridiculous.  NM says "I know.  I knew that you wouldn't like this one.  I only took it to make her feel better."  So, I try not to think about it and I don't want to bring it up to DH (all of this shit can get overwhelming, and really what would be the point of discussing it with him, the photos over).  But I can't get past it, and I finally bring it up to DH.  And as I'm describing the picture, I say-as I see him perk up to say something too-"and I'm sure MIL was partially hiding behind you."  I mean, I don't have a lot of sympathy for MIL, but I could see there was something else going on in that picture.  I mean, the woman was in her swimsuit, an uncomfortable time to take a picture for any woman, but more so for MIL who is really uncomfortable with her body. (I might add that NM refused to swim, I'll cover that one later).  DH tells me "Well, actually, she was hiding behind me."  He concedes that MIL can cling to him, but then tells me that NM actually pushed the picture on them.  That NM kept saying "move closer".  That NM pushed the picture even though they didn't want it.  NM made it sound, to me, like she was being kind, giving into MIL's need for attention (interesting that NM can spot that in MIL).  I was outraged.  Again, I don't have a lot of sympathy for MIL and she's a big girl who could have said no.  But it makes me angry that she pushed her into being uncomfortable.  That she pushed her into doing something she wouldn't do herself.  That NM knew the picture would upset me, but not only took it but set up the situation to take it and then show it to me.  And then she hid it behind MIL's attention getting.  In the past, I never really believed my mother was a liar who set people up.  Clearly she is.  It's taken a lot for that to sink in this past week.

*The party was at a pool (obviously).  When NM was here, I told her that and said that it would be fine if she and step father (who hates swimming) didn't want to participate in that part of the party.  I had hoped she would, as I could have used her help and she's never had an issue swimming with the kids before, but I would have been fine with them not.  I said to let me know, because I had a certain amount of people who could be let into the pool area.  This, I could tell, annoyed her.  I could almost read her mind: I was being cheap by not just paying for her and letting them decide.  For me, I don't know why she couldn't just make a damn decision and had to play it out.  So, two days before the party I get a text that she's had a small medical procedure and will just "put" her "toes in".  Maybe she had the damn procedure.  Who knows?  She made a big deal of sending step dad up for antibiotic cream for it one morning (but not surprisingly, not the next morning).  She must have felt she had to "prove" it to me.  Anyway, what bugged me was why she couldn't just say, "I don't want to swim.  Would it be OK for me to just come in and take picture and watch."  Cool.  That would have been fine.  Why all the drama?  Why the subterfuge?  Seriously?  Over something this small.  Oh, and she sent me a text saying "If you've already paid for me, I'll be glad to pay you back."  You know, because I'm petty and cheap. 

*DH, NM, and I were sitting on the deck.  I went into the house to refresh my drink.  I was gone for five minutes.  NM immediately told DH she would soon be visiting my sister, that sister and her (abusive) boyfriend are in counseling, and that sister is having another "biopsy" for her mystery illness.  At least, sister is supposed to have this.  I've been giving strict orders to not discuss NSis with NM (from NSis herself).  So, I don't discuss her.  I dislike that NM was feeding (and triangulating) my husband information to give to me.  I hate that she uses him like that.  And, for fuck sake, I was gone five minutes!  She purposely had me "over hear" part of the conversation, which I ignored.  (And as a side note, when she had DH alone another time, she was pumping him for information about a family situation that is none of her business.  And yes,  DH and I did talk about not giving her information.  I hate feeling like I'm keeping secrets or with holding, but I know the information will be used against me.)

*NM brought up a painful, childhood memory for me of a time I fucked up really badly.  She wondered aloud "Now, I went over and helped you..." and then described, in detail, events that never happened.  When I corrected her, she said "Oh, that's right, I came over and..." and then described how she "fixed" something for me.  Again, not true.  In fact, if she'd done what she'd said, the situation wouldn't have been a fuck up for me.  AND, she would have helped me cover something up.  AND, I wouldn't have the memory of her shaming me for being an embarrassment for this fuck up.

*NM talked about how she was telling a coworker how difficult teenagers are.  How teenage girls can be such a pain in the ass, with all their "hormones" and such.  This isn't the first time she's brought this up.  Clearly, as she speaks, she seems to forget that she's discussing ME, her daughter who was once a teenager.  She also seems to forget that during my teenage years she was abandoning me and my sister, fucking around having an affair, leaving us on weekends, and divorcing my dad for a "better dad" (yes, she once told me she divorced my dad because she thought this man would make a better dad).  I hardly lived with her (I lived with my dad for a year and then I "lived" at my boyfriends my senior year.  I didn't actually live there, but crashed on their couch and lived out of a duffel bag for 5-7 nights of the week).  I didn't sneak out, I didn't drink (much), I didn't do drugs.  Yes, there were some fucked up things that happened, but she doesn't think for a moment that maybe it was a reaction to our parents divorcing in a horrific and ugly way, my mother running off every weekend, and the extreme reactions of my father to the divorce.  Nope, we were just horrible, little teenage shits.  This statement enrages me so much that I have to leave the room.

*NM snarks that she doesn't get to really get to know my kids "when she only sees them twice a year".  Um, I had just seen her twice in ONE month.  But, OK.  Believe what you like.

*NM makes a huge deal of needing another grandchild.  She has gone on and on about how hard my pregnancies are on her.  But now, she keeps hinting that she was expecting a pregnancy announcement.  She says she needs  "a little girl to be my companion when I come up" because my sons "favor" my step dad (they don't really, but they are starting to figure out that NM sucks the life out of you).  She guilts and guilts me. 

*I'm discussing a gift I'm got for my son.  I say that, if he liked it, I found the rest of the set of toys at the discount store and I was going to get them for him.  She, clearly not listening, says "I'll have to see if I can find them.  Write down the names so I know."  I sigh.  This is common for her to hear whatever the hell she wants to.  And she's distracted by trying to force my son into wearing the hat she bought him so she can take a picture.  I'm trying to distract her from doing that.  I let it go though instead of argue that she she's misheard (this is a futile effort, as she NEVER hears that she isn't paying attention and misheard me.  She just keeps repeating what she thinks she heard).  I figure she didn't hear anything of what I said, but later she asks for the name of the trucks.  I'm sure she bitched that, after all she bought for my son, I was expecting more. 

*She poses my kids in "selfies" (those phone pictures people take of themselves.) with her.   She's always saying "hold your head closer to mine" and other such commands.  Then she posts them with saccrine descriptions of how close she is with the kids. 


This is just the tip of the iceberg.  Really, the weekend was exhausting.  It's like standing on a tennis court and having a wooden spoon to use as a racket while a ball machine lobs tennis balls at your head, all day.  I can't say I was sorry to see her go. 

13 comments:

  1. The reason why people like your NM are so tiring is because everything with them is a constant competition. Ugh. And usually whatever the subject of the conversation is, is not the "real" object of it. Their object is to "come on top" and be right and make everybody else wrong.
    The thing is, even if you showed them hard evidence on whatever the subject is they'll dismiss it one way or another. They will never acknowledge that you're in the right, or even say anything close to "fair enough".
    I'm not surprised you weren't sorry to see her go.

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    1. Exactly, Kara. I've actually had her change positions in an argument only because she felt she was "losing".
      She is jealous and competitive. She has to be on top. She will argue anything and everything. Her personal identity is tied to being "right" (or smarter, more successful, or experienced). She's always engaging you in a fight, even if you never realized that's what was going on.

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  2. The more "overt" N's like MIL are pretty easy to pick up on but no easier to N-Wrangle. Your NM who is more covert is a Master of Manipulation and out-right liar when it suits her agenda: "All MEEE!!! All the time!!! There will be DRAMA!!!" She loves it, thrives on it and it establishes her once again as The All Powerful One. I often think of her and Nsis as the two over-tired toddlers who will never grow out of "this stage." When they're not conducting a psychological knife fight in a phone booth, they depend on you to "fix it" and herd them back to their respective "corners" to lick their wounds and get ready for the inevitable next round. I understand you're backing away from that role but they're *not* going to allow you to escape without a "cost" to you.
    Jessie, take your time wrapping your mind around your NM's stuff. I understand it's simply inconceivable one's "Mother" is such a prolific and accomplished liar, manipulator and crafter of IEDs carefully planted all over your life waiting to go off.
    Anyone who doesn't believe N's can plan their perfidy? Your Post is an excellent example of my personal belief and experience: "If they're breathing, they're lying." By omission, commission, manipulation of the Facts etc. YES, they know exactly what they're doing and YES, it's targeted and intentional.
    OUCH. That hurts no matter how you cut it....
    TW

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    1. When I was more enmeshed (or under NM's control, however you want to say it) she lied less and did less of this bullshit. But it's been creeping up more and more (as I've become an adult). It's like a sign of desperation. And it's crept up kind of slowly, so it's hard to see. Not to mention that, most normal, don't lie about this kind of shit, so I would never have thought to look for it. (MIL is very, very similar. The lies have started more and more.)
      It is painful. It sucks to have to come to terms with it. It's hard to believe your own mother is such a manipulator.

      And you are right, they aren't letting me move out of my role without a HUGE fight. (which is where some of my fear comes from...they are going to HUNT me down.)

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  3. All of what you described is so awful - I think only someone who has been through it can understand why seemingly 'little' things make your stomach churn and your brain race.

    That photo - the whole *staged to piss Jesse off* aspect of it is so CONIVING and cunning - I half expect her to put her pinky up to her mouth a-la Dr. Evil, She just feels so "I WIN!!" about making you be wrong/uncomfortable/left out.

    She's evil. I'm glad you are forewarned about her hunting you down! You can take necessary steps ahead of time from all the experiences of the ACoNs out here and be 3 steps ahead of her and her minions at all times.

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    1. Thanks Gladys. When I first figured out she was purposely doing things to hurt me or make me feel badly, I was shocked. It had NEVER occurred to me that my own mother would be "out to get" me.

      NM often uses MIL to hurt me...often. She will defend MIL. One time she tried to push me into letting MIL babysit (after Nm backed out at the last second). She knows damn well how I feel about it. She makes nicey nice to her all of the time and talks about how MIL has just "low self esteem" and how sad that is. But then, at times, she'll get all pissed off for the way MIL and "those people" treat me. All to throw me off balance.

      It is such a shock to finally piece together those little things and realize what's been going on. I'm hoping someone else can see in these "little examples" what took me so long to put together and truly see.

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  4. Hey Jessie, I feel your pain. It's not much fun to realize that one's mother is destructive to her children. I know it's tough, but it is also very good that you are able to observe and articulate the behavior. That's the beginning of some good change for you and your family. For so many years, I just kept thinking that my mother was just 'emotional, difficult, etc.' It was shocking when I could finally admit to myself that all her terrible behavior was planned, premeditated, and carried out with evil intent. Who treats their chldren like that? Well, there are some of those people in jail and more still running free.
    If you have to have contact with her, just keep things superficial. Don't ever share anything that is meaningful 'cause she will just use it as a tool to tweak you.
    Maybe at the next gathering, you can hire a guy who's good looking and a womanizer to entertain your mother...she'll be so busy flirting with him that she will leave the rest of you alone! lol

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  5. "...I was shocked." Wow, do I ever get that...FWIW, me too. It took a long time for me to wrap my head around just that aspect of Psychob's "stuff."
    Yk, I think there's a bunch of envy involved in this too which is directed towards you. I'm sure you're thinking, "Why would these people be envious of ME?" I have no answer to that other than something my S/M Honey said to me one day: "People want to see you be successful (Bragging Rights) but not TOO successful." As in, "Able to differentiate/grow independently away from them." That made a lot of sense to me then and now. Without me to play into the dynamic, Psychob and Nsis were left without a Scapegoat/"Fixer." Not to mention Sherpa, ATM, endlessly listening to what ever perceived minor "offense" they allegedly incurred that day etc.
    Your family seems to be much like mine in that what ever wasn't "Home Grown" was "Imported" through marriage, divorce, adoption, hangers-on and so forth. I'm kind of horrified to say this, but the one word that truly sums up my family is "Treacherous."
    When you're the Lone Ranger in a family loaded with Ns, you are out-numbered and out-gunned on every front. It absolutely is exhausting to be on your toes constantly. I really don't know how you stay sane in the midst of this Jessie. That's what I mean about Courage: You're doing it and not even realizing you are. And again, wrapping your mind around your "Mother" alone is gonna take time.
    TW

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    1. Thanks TW. I'm not sure if I do manage sanity all of the time ;).

      And I've always felt NM was envious of me (which, like you say, seems weird. It's hard for an ACoN to believe - or even say - that someone is envious of them. Or has reason to be.) It makes me feel boastful to say that she is jealous, because it makes no sense to me, but I know it to be true. NSis, at least, admits it openly. ANd MIL's envy comes out when she puts on her "groupie" act. She loves to compliment me endlessly (in order to "win" me over and appear nice) but not when it comes to anything she thinks she is better than me at. Then, the compliments, which come for anything and everything, suddenly disappear. Only SHE can be good at those particular things.

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  6. I once described dealing with a narcissistic by saying that it was like being attacked by a swarm of mosquitoes. Any one incident is no big deal; it is the volume of so many different was to attack your boundaries and well being. Recognizing it is tough. When my DH first pointed out how badly my parents treated me, I got in an argument with him. Not any more. It is tough to realize that the person that is 'supposed' to love you most seems to do the most harm. I am sorry this is your experience...if it helps you, you are not alone. You're making choices to be your own self. Gooooo You. :)

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    1. Thanks, Ruth. Knowing I'm not alone (or crazy) has made such a HUGE difference. I hope other people see these examples and maybe find that they are not alone either.

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  7. Don't let her talk about how you were during your childhood/teen years. My own did that to me -- I hated it! Stop it by throwing the spotlight back to where it belongs -- on her! She wants it there so much anyway, let her have it. "Oh, I was such a bad kid then? Probably due to the way I was raised."
    Do that a few times, and I'm pretty sure she won't be going back to your childhood again.
    My F'ing mom talked like this to my DH, which was bad enough -- but then did it once in front of my NEIGHBORS. I didn't do it then, but that is the situation that made me think about it, and made me start speaking up, and shining the light on how she was, as a mother. See -- at first they do not even understand that they shouldn't hold anything you did as a kid against you -- oh no. To them, it just highlights everything YOU put them through, and what a saint they were to get through it. They still hold everything against you, that you did as a kid -- as if you are still that very same kid, and you haven't learned anything, and you're still bad - and they are still a saint, for putting up with you. Nope - thats BS. Throw it right back on them. I don't often point out what a crap mother she was, but if she's going to point out my faults as a kid -- then I sure will point out her defects as a mother, you bet I will.

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    1. Good advice, Anon. I've brought things up to her before. It doesn't end well. I actually think, with my mother (aside from wanting to have a pity party and point out how amazing she was), she's looking to PUSH me into calling her out. When I've done it before, she's managed to turn it into an even BIGGER pity party and then there is crying and drama. It's really not worth it and easier to ignore it. But I've had to learn this the hard way.
      The thing that is really ironic is that I was a really GOOD kid. I didn't sneak out, I did chores, I had a job and paid for a lot of my own shit, I took care of my sister (way more than I should have), I cooked, I cleaned, participated in activities at school, and got (mostly) straight As. You'd think they'd she'd spend some time complimenting herself on how well I turned out, but no, she focuses on what a little asshole I was (supposedly).

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