The phone rang tonight in the middle of preparing dinner. Things are busy, the kids re underfoot and I'm working to get dinner done. My father and his wife come for a visit tomorrow, so I'm thinking about the million things I need to still get done. It's clearly the dinner "hour". Anyone who knows me would know this particular time of night is really busy for me.
When it rang, I expect my dad. He was canceling, I thought. He has just returned from moving his mother out of the home she's lived in (and he grew up in) for about 60 years. It must've been hard. He seemed...rather...OK with it all. I found that odd. I suspected him.
Or my mother. She's been writing me all weekend how "upsetting" my grandmother - her ex-MIL, who doesn't particularly like her and she's had no contact with in 20 years - moving was for her. I'm sure that was it.
I didn't expect NSIS. (For those who are interested, see my recent post "Crying Wolf" for a history). My stomach dropped instantly. I can't say I was totally surprised. She called (and emailed) shortly before my last visit with him to warn me to "no talk about" her with him. To not ruin their now-blooming, "new" relationship. OK. Sure.
She sent a package full of gifts for my younger son, and we exchanged a few texts. We haven't talked since (and not on the phone for over a year). She completely ignored my older son's very recent birthday. I had half expected that she would call me after my confrontation with my mother.
So, she's calling for one of a few reasons:
1) To chew me out for "hurting" my mother or whatever she decides to label me telling my mom, honestly and calmly, how I feel. She's often called to take my mother's side against me. Or, NM spilled something and she's calling to confront me on that.
2) Or, she's calling to damage control. To make sure I don't spill secrets to my dad. To make sure I don't fuck things up for her.
3) To tell me, I'm a rotten human being.
4) To cry and whine about the relationship we used to have
5) To act normal, in an attempt to pretend everything's OK (still, right before my father's visit, so obviously this has an ulterior motive).
I'm upset and anxious. I was already anxious about dad arriving. Things went well last time, but you never know. Things have been not good. And he is a little high strung. He can get tense- and make everyone around him tense- in quick order.
I'm angry she called tonight. I'm angry she didn't leave a message. I mean, the fact that she didn't say what in the hell she was calling about is SO passive-aggressive. We haven't talked in a year, but you DON'T LEAVE A MESSAGE AS TO WHAT THE HELL YOU WANT.
In any event, she's fucking with me. The timing is too coincidental. Right after (days after) ignoring my son on his birthday. She's not been told she can't send him anything. Not that I wanted her to. But it clearly speaks to her motives. And the DAY before my father is to come. She was just complaining on FB (to a very random person, who happens to be a mutual friend) about my dad not coming to see her and being wishy washy about making plans. NM got angry with me for my father not visiting my sister enough. I'm not sure how I have any control over that (or really should care, it's not my place).
DH sort of laughed it off. I'm sure it's ridiculous to him. I'm guessing he doesn't really know what to say. But he didn't seem to get how painful this really is for me. How I HATE that I'm agonizing, again, over them...and she's the one I'm basically "NC" with. How does that work?
She knows she is supposed to email me. I've told her I'm uninterested in phone calls at this point. She has CLEARLY ignored this several times now. I can't ignore that.
I'm just twisted. Sorry this is so disjointed and random. I'm just so twisted. It was the last thing I wanted to deal with tonight. Fuck her.
I'm so sorry your sister is dropping bombs on you. It's not quite the same, but an unwanted blast from my past sent me a letter this week, and it's damned impossible to push the disturbance out of my head. It came when I'd just been thinking how nice it was he wasn't popping into my head making me feel like an idiot.
ReplyDeleteThese personality disordered are poor at respecting boundaries or rules. They think they are outside normal rules. I
Again, sorry you're being out through this.
Jessie, she's clearly fucking with you. Anyone who hasn't called you in a year, who calls the night before your father arrives, who calls at dinner hour, and then doesn't leave an f%#ng message is doing only one thing: trying to insert herself front and center into your head. By not leaving a message she's issuing a 'silent' or invisible 'demand' that you return her call.
ReplyDeleteDon't do it. Your father's visit is not about her, it doesn't concern her, she doesn't belong anywhere in it. Your DH cannot understand what she's doing because no one who hasn't had the "malware" installed in their brain can know what this shit does to you. CS
oops, scratch that. It was your NSis not your NM. got confused this ealry in the a.m.
ReplyDeleteVoice mail is such a gift even if they don't leave a message. She'll call back-count on it. I bet it will be while Dad's there or the day he leaves. There will be more sniper fire in social media form. I know you're already on edge but I have absolute confidence you'll handle Nsis, Dad and SM as adroitly as NM and NMIL and Co. I just wish it wasn't so exhausting and draining to do so when you're first setting Boundaries, yet how can it be otherwise? It's like always waiting for the other shoe (or sword) to drop: You never know when or where it's gonna come from, but you know it will. Post NC initially, when I'd come home from work and find a snail mail bomb (or a couple) in my mailbox I'd be absolutely furious even as I was dropping them in the trash unopened. Over time? It became a minor annoyance analogous to the rest of the junk mail. Or other forms of Perimeter Probes.
ReplyDeleteNC was still well worth all of it, from the resulting Boundary-Busting Attempts/my initial anger and later annoyance each time they occurred and in what ever form they took. (Conditioning and Learning in action.) I'd rather deal with Crazy and their Boundary Busting Attempts occasionally than on a regular basis. More importantly, these N-maneuvers confirmed over and over again my belief re: Cluster Bs/ "The Tag Team" was absolutely correct as was my decision regarding terminating the relationship. Just as your NM has lost her ability to rattle you because you've gained confidence in yourself and your abilities, so will NS with her maneuvers. Paradoxically, they ensure we'll continue to maintain our distance-or move even further away-each time they try to run over our Boundaries. When they say, "Time's UP!" or "Clear Entry," in their mind, it is. But in your mind and behavior/response, it isn't.
And that's what makes all the difference.
You're not "twisted," Jessie-You're doing GREAT. Why wouldn't you be infuriated/disgusted? You see the game, you've called the moves and you've been correct every.single.time. How's that for confirmation and self confidence-building?! It would be far more perplexing if NS didn't pull some classic N-move particularly in concert with NM's "agenda." I'm sure NM was furious by the time she left your place and is such a pro at jacking up your sister anyway and Nsis is just as furious Dad is visiting you. (Among your other alleged "violations!")
You've set very clear Boundaries, maintained them and you have your Plan in place. As far as the rest of the world is concerned outside the privacy of your own home? You're calm, collected Jessie going about her daily life. But I sure get that paddling like mad just below the surface!
TW
Thanks guys for weighing in. I haven't had a chance to respond personally, but I appreciate the thoughts.
ReplyDeleteFor an update: NSIS texted me this afternoon "Are you ever going to talk to me again? I miss you." I'm not even sure how to totally feel about that, but I can't shake that it is a ploy (and way too coincidental). And it comes days after my son's birthday....that she ignored. And that a FB post came out that said she had exciting opportunities ahead. Most likely SHE wants to tell me something, because it's all about her, and she's annoyed that my petty little boundaries are getting in the way. I can't shake that if she TRULY missed me, she wouldn't drop little no-message phone calls, and cheesy texts.
Oh, and NM texted today, making sure to get some information to me first. Information that is really none of her business anyway (it's not about NSIS, but about my father's family).
Anyway, that's where it stands, as of now. My father arrives tonight.
I wouldn't reply to this. She ignored your son's bday. She wants to insert herself into the visit of your father. You can reply, if you want to, after your father's visit.
DeleteJessie - do you see HOW GREAT YOU ARE DOING?!? You SEE this behavior now. You see it, and you are THINKING about it and you aren't reacting to it (except out here on your blog which is why we have these damned things!)
ReplyDeleteYou aren't falling for the bullshit! You aren't falling into the trap, not for ANY of them. yes, it still gives you PTSD stomach aches. Of course it does - we have been brain washed and mind controlled for a very long time. But you aren't reacting to it. You are enforcing your boundaries, and they have NO IDEA how they are affecting you.
They are worried. HAHAHAHA! As they should be! They aren't having the same effect on you, their shit isn't pulling you in anymore. That is freaking THEM out. But from the outside in, from what THEY can see, you are CALM. You are cool, calm, un-flustered. And that is exactly the image you want them to have.
You will get more removed from all that PTSD stuff. I mean, looka me! I'm 52 and a slamming door only makes me sweat, not jump behind the couch anymore! *snort* progress...
You are doing amazing. You will do great with your dad. Don't reply to the text from your asshole mom. Don't reply to the text from your asshole sister. Just remember you are doing exactly the right thing.
Rock on, sistah!!