Be the Bigger Person

"Somebody who can reckon with the past, who can live with the past in the present, and move towards the future - that's fabulous"
Bruce Springsteen

NM posted this on her FB page a few days ago (I turned off her feed and now, only check it when I'm feeling up to it.  No surprises.)

I actually think it's a good sentiment and I love me some Bruce.  But, I know that NM isn't reading this quote in the same way I am (she has a tendency to be very literal.  She's not very good about understanding underlying meanings in things).

I'm almost certain this quote is directed at me.  I try not to personalize FB posts and take them as directed at me, but I'm REALLY good at reading NM.  And she's fairly obvious. 

And it also fits right along with her motto "You've got to be the bigger person."  She's constantly saying this to me.  That so-and-so needed to be the bigger person.  That she was the bigger person.  That so-and-so needs to "get over it" and "be the bigger person". 

As an example, several years ago when my grandfather turned 80, she wanted to have a party for him.  She expected everyone else to feel the same.  My grandfather, while mellowed, is a pompous, loud, alcoholic.  He has no boundaries and is poor at reading other people's feelings.  Since my grandmother died, he has imposed himself on his youngest daughter to be his social life.  He goes out to her home once a week and gets good and drunk.  And when he's drunk, he's often belligerent.  He was NOT a good father.  He often left his kids in the truck while he'd go in the bar and drink.  His family was always struggling.  He allowed my mother to help pay the bills when she became a teenager.  He doesn't have many friends (if any).  He wasn't an involved grandfather and I was often scared of him.  He does have a few good points (and he's been kind to me in recent years, sending cards for my birthday. )  I do think he has some kernels of empathy and kindness.  He's not a complete ass.  But he's not someone you'd think of "celebrating".  My mother's family has lots of issues and dysfunction (imagine that!) and even though they live close, they struggle to be in each other's lives.  Generally, they just sort of stay out of each other's way. 

So, when no one wanted to go to the party, NM got all on her moral high-horse.  Preaching about "letting go" of the past and "getting over their issues for an our to honor grandpa".  NM loves to be on her moral high-horse.  It's a great pastime for her and she loves to lord over people how thoughtful, considerate, generous, and kind she thinks she is.

Ironically, NM loves to take care of her father and parent him.  When my grandmother died, NM was the one taking charge, involved with the doctors, fixing financial messes.  She LOVES to parent.  Well, she loves to play at parenting.  See, for her, she thinks because she floats the old man some money every few months, buys him nice gifts, and takes him to lunch once and awhile, she's the better person.   She's "let go" of the past and is doing what she feels so should do for a parent.  I don't think I need to point out that gifts, money, and occasional attention does not a parent make.  But there's NM for you.

Whatever,  despite all of this, she still is horribly dysfunctional.  She isn't past her past, but rather pretending it didn't exist.  She didn't work through any of it.  I doubt she's truly forgiven her father.  And further, by now acting as if he is some great guy, I believe she's only doing herself a disservice. 

But that's her.  I'm done with all that "let bygones be bygones" shit.  The quote above was a not-so-subtle reminder than I'm being resentful towards my sister.  That I need to just forgive her and move on.  That I am being unkind, mean, and petty.  That the whole situation would be resolved if I'd just forgive my sister.

What NM can't realize is that I have forgiven my sister (more on forgiveness in a minute).  I don't harbor anger or resentment towards her.  I spent years forgiving my sister.  I forgave her stealing my friends, sleeping with my boyfriends, stealing my cloths, letting her friends steal from me, upstaging me at my wedding, upstaging me at every other big event in my life, causing drama and chaos and stress in my life, screaming at me, yelling at me, beating me up physically.  All this, and SO much more, I forgave in my sister.  Time and time again.  And it never made a damn bit of difference. 

Because, see, NM doesn't want forgiveness, she wants you to FORGET.  And then allow the same old crap to happen over and over.  She wants me to allow my sister to continue to treat me in the same old ways she always has.

Besides the fact that my sister has never actually apologized to me (she doesn't think she did anything wrong, ever), my sister does not change.  It's not that she tries and then makes mistakes (I can move past mistakes).  It's that she is stuck in the same old patterns and she wants me to play my part.  And because I am refusing to have the same relationship, she and my sister think I'm mean.

I've spent so much of my life wanting to be good.  Not just to have people like me.  But having integrity, kindness, generosity of spirit are important characteristics to me.  I wanted to be forgiving.  I wanted to make allowances and be non-judgmental.  And NM knew this.  So whenever she wanted me to do something, she'd pull out the "your not being kind, Jessie" card.  She'd accuse me of being mean, spiteful, bitter, and resentful.  Of holding grudges (pure projection on NM's part, as she is the Queen of Grudges).  I don't hold things against people.  I understand people make mistakes.  But NM was forever telling me I was harsh, mean, and unkind (as was MIL and any of their minions who felt I wasn't doing enough).  And it was an arrow through my heart.

One of the most important steps I took to move past this is that I quite allowing THEM to determine if I was, in fact, kind, good, and living with integrity.  In my last post, I discussed how I was never good enough.  That the "trying" was slowly killing me.   I finally had to start getting some of my ego back.  Some of my self-esteem (something which was hard for me.  Because GOD FORBID I ever be one of the Ns, who had such self-esteem and ego were through the roof.)  Because I was so afraid of being them, I was afraid of allowing myself any ego.  Any belief in myself.

So, I worked on that.  A lot.  I asked myself (and DH and a few friends), am I a good daughter?  Of course, it helped to have validation, but the biggest key was learning to define what a "good daughter" looked like to ME.  What being a good DIL looked like.  And the more I looked, the more I realized, HELL, I AM A GOOD DAUGHTER.  I quit allowing them to define me.  I quit allowing them to tell me I wasn't good enough.

I am not a perfect daughter.  I'm sure I could be better.  But I don't do anything for them out of fear, obligation, or guilt.  I'm working on not refusing things, just because I'm angry with them.  I'm sure my idea of "daughter" and theirs is different, because their definition of good equals 'no boundaries, no needs".  Well, too bad.  I get to have a say in the relationship too.  I'm still working on all of this, but things have become so much easier when I did what I felt I should do for my family.  What was an appropriate obligation (I do think there is some obligation that is appropriate) and what was out of bounds.  And I try to go with my gut. 

I also spent a lot of time working on what forgiveness meant.  So many bloggers write (and theologians) that forgiveness doesn't require giving in, having a relationship, or excusing someone's bad behavior.  That it's about letting go of the anger and resentment.  For me, this also included quitting taking everything they did so personally.  It wasn't about me.  They were jerks because THEY had issues.  And as an adult (more on that in future posts), I could choose to walk away and not allow them to treat me that way anymore.  I had to quit taking in personally (meaning I deserved their nasty treatment; that I'd done something that made them act that way towards me).  And when I felt  I had some control over the situation (let's face it, with Ns, they'll fight you to the death for control, so having a balance of control will never happen), some of the anger and resentment slipped away.

I'm not particularly religious, but I also looked at how forgiveness should effect a future relationship.  Articles I looked at (I wish I had exact links, but I'm not sure if I do) often pointed out that God doesn't just "forget" our sins.  That God expects repentance and change.  That if you keep doing the same thing over and over, that those behaviors are not in the past, but still something you are actively doing in the present.   How can you "forgive" someone who is continuing to behave in the way he says he's sorry for?  How can you "move past" that which is actively occurring?  Fact is, you can't. 

And even if God does forgive, it's not like he just whitewashes it away.  He stores that information in his mind (I assume, not to speak for God), and looks at people as a WHOLE.  Defined by a sum of behaviors.   I believe he looks at if you've made any effort to change or make up for your sins.  

By my thinking if  someone continues to (mostly) treat me poorly, moving away from you is not resentment, bitterness, or anger on my part.  It's accepting them for who they are.  Dangerous people who will hurt me with the right opportunities.  I'm not judging you, I'm just believe you when you show me who you are.    And if God only forgives sins once they've been atoned for, why do I have to be any different?

I began to think that continuing to forgive (ignore the obvious) was only hurting me in my relationships.  I was being bullied and pushed into believing that I was a bad person for not accepting their piss-poor apologies and just moving on.  I had to look at the fact that, despite forgiving people over and over and over, they continued to hurt me. 

I've decided to start defining these terms for myself.  Letting me decide what is kindness, forgiveness, generosity, and good.  Really looking into MYSELF and trying to be the best that I think I can be, instead of always allowing others to determine this for me.  And really, why am I allowing the most emotionally challenged around me define what "healthy, normal, moral" behavior looks like?  I'm not anymore. 

A few last thoughts:

“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat......Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established.........Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation.........Forgiveness does not excuse anything.........You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness......” Paul Young