Releasing the past in order to find myself

Friday, October 17, 2014

Stopping By

Just stopping by to say I'm still here, still wanting to write, and still working through all of this narcissism stuff.

Fall has been rough.  We've had some schedule changes (new schools and all of that) and it's been a rough adjustment. 

On top of that, MIL amped up her victim game at my OS's last birthday game.  I was left exhausted, emotionally spent, and with my head spinning.  How the hell she can convince everyone she is such a martyr is beyond me. 

NM was also here and was zero help.  Even a suggestion of how I'm feeling about MIL and she immediately turns it back around to herself.  She continues with delusions that my sister and I just need to be brought together and all would be fixed.  She seems to believe that I'm just holding some grudge.  She does not understand that their has been a seismic shift in my life.  I don't know how to respond when she brings up my sister and talks about getting together.

NSIS, for her part lobbed a nice little grenade at me last week that, while extremely painful, as somewhat a relief in knowing that she hasn't changed a bit.  I had insinuated on a obscure FB page that my mother wasn't all that she should've been (it was na├»ve on my part; I really hadn't thought about anyone seeing it.  It was a page that only I liked.   Oops.)  I didn't directly say anything about my mother, I didn't mean for anyone to see it, and I didn't even mention MY mother.  In addition, I alluded to how much I am struggling.   So, of course, NSIS comes running to NM's rescue and beats me down emotionally for DARING to suggest our childhood wasn't perfect.  It was awful.

But luckily I had an appointment with the therapist that day.  So, therapy has been progressing.  I had a very frank and open discussion about the therapist's practices and views on treatment.  I brought up her discussing herself and I was satisfied with her answers.  She doesn't have the grasp of narcissism that I would like but,  I live in a small town and expecting to find the "perfect" therapist is unrealistic.  And my good friend Kara pointed out that I can chose to find another therapist at any point, and if nothing else, she may get me to the next point in my recovery.  Sessions have been intense and difficult at times, and I've struggled to communicate (it's hard to point out the covert techniques of the Ns when I don't always know how to explain them to myself).  But, I always feel better when I leave and I feel validated and heard.  That helps so much.  To be able to have someone say, it is not YOU, it really is THEM and you have been abused has given me so much grounding. 

Hope everyone else out there is hanging in there. 


  1. On top of all the stuff that is really (I mean TANGIBLY) happening to you, some people have a HUGE issue with the changing seasons and FALL being especially a trigger for depression.

    I have yet to figure out if it is an emotional response to 'going back to school' or darker earlier or my damned brain is just broken or WHUT but it seems to affect me too. So it adds to the already goopy pile of narc crap and the soup that is being a kid of acons...

    The therapist thing actually sounds positive to me. I think your friend was right - any step in the right direction can bring you closer to another step (duh that sounded dumb) and you can fire your therapist at any time, but just knowing you have one - SOMEONE - to hear you (besides US I mean *digs toe in the ground*) has got to be such a relief.

    Plus, lol - maybe you are teaching HER something. Good lord, that would be great and suck at the same time, right?

    here's a little fun thought: 9 more Fridays until Xmas. *ducks*

    1. Nine, you say? Lucky us!

      The therapist has already told her I've taught her a lot. Definitely good and bad thing at the same time. And regardless of what she understands or not, her ideas on treatments are exactly what I think I need, so I'll give it a go. And yes, as great as my friends have been here (and I'll continue to come here), I needed to finally have "real world" validation, if that makes sense. Not so much for me, but for some of those in my life who think that I can just "learn to deal" with the narcs. Plus, when the Ns decide to start their "Jessie is just crazy" crap, I can say "um, nope, I've been checked out and I'm good, but maybe you all should get your crazy checked out."

      I've had a lot of big family changes going on. And usually I love the fall (still do, when I work on my mindfulness, and focus on the colors, it helps tremendously). But fall has signified some big cosmic shifts. And it also brings the in-laws around much more frequently. Lucky me! But I do think the shorter days, impending holidays, and all that start to creep into my brain.

      Thanks for stopping by, Gladys.

  2. "How the hell she can convince everyone she is such a martyr is beyond me." I, too, wonder this. No answers.

    N's will never see the shift in your life except as it pertains to them, and then they will try every trick in the book and invent some new ones to herd you back into line. Crazymaking.

    "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" is no longer even remotely true. Whatever happens anywhere ends up on FB sooner or later. Not mentioning your mother had nothing to do with it. NSIS spied a whip to use and grabbed it with both hands.

    I've had 3 different therapists, and all 3 were different from each other. I tackled different things with each one. For me, it was a matter of delving deeper with each one. The first two ended when we felt like we'd gone as far as we could go. The third one moved.

    Yes! The covert behavior is difficult to identify. It's the covert behavior that is most likely to leave me feeling like I'm the one who's crazy. Keep fighting for you!

    1. Thanks Judy. Yes, the crazy making and covert behavior is just so hard to explain (often I only have a feeling or a hunch to go on, or I walk away just feeling really shitty) and so it's even harder to explain to others. And then they offer reasonable solutions....except these are Ns and "reasonable" doesn't work on crazy.
      And it often makes me feel like I'm crazy myself. That was one of the biggest motivators for therapy was to finally have "proof" that I'm not overreacting/over sensitive/making things up.

  3. Hey you -

    "Sessions have been intense and difficult at times, and I've struggled to communicate (it's hard to point out the covert techniques of the Ns when I don't always know how to explain them to myself)" - I often communicate better in writing than I do verbally. Maybe this is silly to suggest (or maybe you're already doing it) but I just had a thought that it might help if you go with a written list? Perhaps jotting down notes prior to each session about what you'd like to discuss will help you in that regard?

    I'm a believer in the idea that we get out of therapy what we want to get out of it (barring the cases where the therapist is themselves a cluster-B), or that we get from it an equivalent to the energy that we put into it (or something like that) - I read your last post about your concerns with your therapist and I'm glad that you feel some resolution now that you've brought them up with her again. Just follow your intuition. I think you'll know when it's time to move on.

    Hang in there my friend.

    1. You know me too well; I do take notes (but often have so many, I don't get to all of them) :). I also make sure to spend the hour after therapy doing something for myself (like visiting that tea shop I like) and then jotting down more notes about how I'm immediately processing everything (man, I sound a little overboard ;) ). She triggered a "malware" tape in me during one session, and was quite confused by it, so I went home and researched, took notes, and wrote until it came to me. So, I do a lot of homework outside of the session. I think part of it is that I just have so much in my head at the moment, it's hard to keep it all straight (it all wants to tumble out). And some of it (the covert abuse) is triggered and I can't always process it in the moment (and so have to do it afterward and then come back to it. That's something I want to discuss with her more in the next session: the malware triggers. )
      I do thank you for the suggestion though, it is a very good one. And I think you are right that you get out what you put into it.

      On another note, I've been lambasted by a whole new set of chaos today. I'm planning to write a post (and I thought of you and how you might find it very interesting) so please stop back by. It was good to hear from you. :)

  4. Hanging in here, cheering for you from my computer. Hugs.

  5. Hi Jessie, just delurking to say that at this point you would be absolutely justified to block your sister on Facebook.

    Also, do you read Captain Awkward? She's an excellent advice columnist, and she always has very empathetic things to say. The last letter she answered is about someone whose sister sounds a lot like yours (minus the physical abuse):

    Take care, and please know that this random internet stranger roots for you and your family.

    1. Thanks, girlscientist for stopping by. (There used to be another friend who would stop by here, who was "girl scientist" and your name reminded me of her. So, thanks for that. She was a sweet lady.)
      I have restricted my sister as much as I can on my FB privacy settings. I didn't block her, as I imagine that would just bring a fire storm of verbal abuse. Easier to just restrict her.
      Thank you for the link, I will definitely check it out. I appreciate your kind thoughts and support.

  6. I'll try to stop by again later in the day.

    I kind of think of the results of abuse as having "layers" in our brain. It's got to be hard to process it AND understand it, once you've sorted through it AND process it as abuse (which means re-training your brain because you weren't taught to see it as abuse). It requires a LOT of time and thought to get through it all.