Releasing the past in order to find myself

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Narcissistic Ping Pong (Or: Why it's a Bitch to set Boundaries with an N)

A little background first.  NM has been privy to many times that I have been upset by MIL.  I have confided in her many times and she has seen, first hand, some of the crazy behaviors MIL has had towards me.  In the beginning, when I actually thought she had my back, I would tell her a lot of stuff.  I've learned to temper what I say (where it was later used as "evidence" of why I was wrong in arguments.  Clearly, I couldn't get along with "anyone", neither NM, MIL, or NSIS, so it must be ME, she would imply.  In a discussion with NM about an issue I was having with NM, my confidence was turned into "proof" that was wrong.)  If NM didn't throw it in my face, I know NM felt a secret "alliance" with MIL.  I know my difficulties with my MIL helped her to believe it was all my fault too.

Rarely did my NM express any real empathy or sympathy.  She'd offer a few stories about how she was treated as a DIL, and then run off on a tangent with that.  And I never felt like I had her support.  She gives MIL just as much credibility as me in the issue.  Meaning: to NM, it's like just as much me as it is my MIL.  I get no benefit of the doubt as her daughter.

Several times, she's become indignant at MIL's behavior towards me.  I've heard "I can't believe how these people treat you.  It really pisses me off."  And I really do believe she is fully angry and sees the treatment for what it is.  Not to support me, but because she loves to take the victim side that someone would treat HER daughter that way.  She and my MIL have had a few minor scuffles.  NM has been annoyed (by her own admission) by MIL's behavior at times and sees MIL as trying to one up her.  She often expresses jealousy over the fact that we (and the grandkids) "see MIL more often."  followed up with "you'd think they'd be closer."

When I've explained clear hazards with MIL babysitting, NM agrees that it's an issue, but than always suggests that MIL should babysit too.  I think this is more about her being angry that I don't allow EITHER of them alone with the kids and so she thinks she and MIL are on the same "team" to get freer access to the kids.

Several times, NM has flat agreed with MIL.  Several times, she completely invalidates me by saying "Well, she's always been nice to me."  "(DH's parents) are so nice."  (Step mom does this too me too.) Last summer, she spent time after OS's baseball game chatting with my ILs in the parking lot (about 20 minutes) instead of spending her last bit of time with her grandkids (whom she says she doesn't get enough time with.)  When we called to see if they were OK because they hadn't arrived yet, she said "WHAT? Can't we bond with your ILs?"

Which, I suppose, if they actually liked each other would be fine.  But they don't.  They dance around each other like animals over territory, very careful to always be cordially distant.  But, like I said, they've had confrontations.  MIL has clearly pissed off my NM on occasion.  But they don't talk often, aren't friends, and don't see each other.  They occasionally bond about "their generation".  And this summer MIL invited NM up to hang out at their vacation property.  Blech.


So, fast forward.  I have spent SIX years trying to get NM to tone down gifts: less money (it's obscene), less quantity (it's obscene), and when all else failed, just the SIZE.  (Gifts are often 2X3 ft. square -or more- and don't fold up.  These are not easy to store.  And my kids actually do use all of their toys (part of being a stay at home mom) and so it's hard to just give them away if they are still using them.  Anyway, it's my house, and if I don't want huge toys, so be it.  (And I'd even be willing to compromise, an occasional big gift if it was really cool and would be special to the kids.  But not 3 times a year: their birthday, their brother's birthday, and Christmas.  And a special extra trip for toys every time they visit. )  I have TRIED and tried and tried to curtail this shit.  Talking, boundaries, making it "clear".  But it's always circumvented: they've told the kids they have a "surprise", so it's hard to refuse or some other method.  When I would find a stop to it, they'd find a new route.  And it's "they".  Step dad teams up with NM on this one.  Grandparents are "meant" to spoil the kids.  It's their "right".  And, in some ways, they do spoil the kids in good ways: really cool experiences with Grand dad and some neat things.  But it is so excessive.

Two months ago, NM and I were talking about a similar situation in which a parent refused a grandparent's gift that was too large after being told it was not OK.  She thought this was awful and said "You tell me all of the time that I can't buy large gifts, but I do it anyway.  I mean, if I find something cool."  So, she clearly has heard my boundary, she clearly understands my boundary, and she clearly is choosing to ignore this boundary.  And she is choosing to justify it was an argument that sounds awfully a lot like something I said above: that I would allow it if it was "once and awhile".  But it's not.  It's all of the time.  Every time, three times a year.  She conveniently neglects this point.

I take this opportunity to tell her to please, please, please, please, please to not get a large gift for my son's this Christmas.

She sends me an email to "please do no be mad at the size of YS's gift."  Followed by a large (expensive, I found out today) gift.  Sigh.

I decided that I had laid down the boundary, she ignored it, and now it was time to be clear about the consequences of doing this again.

The therapist suggested this is "pushing back" but I felt that was too aggressive a descriptive for what I was doing.  I felt this was merely standing my ground.  How do you all feel?

When she emailed asking if the package had arrived, I replied something to the effect of "It did, at least the larger of the two.  I sure hope it is the larger of the two, as it is very big.  I'll have to ask you to stop sending big gifts or I will start sending them back."  I had DH proof read it for "emotional loadedness".  Which I'm sure she'd see anyway, but he said it was fine.

Several days later, I got a very pathetic, guilt laden, hurt-that-I-called-her-out email in return.  Hurt that I had refused her "gift".  She offered up the receipt and to just let her know and she'd "work on this at the birthdays."

Then radio silence.  Then an email about how she needs to get started on a family reunion she's planning this summer at her house for her side of the family.  A family that has tried to politely tell her they are not interested.  A reunion with my sister in attendance.  Despite REPEATED rebuffs of getting together with my sister, despite a two year estrangement, she thinks my sister and will show up and stay together at my mother's house.  She's wanting me to commit to dates I have open.  She hasn't really spoken to any one else yet for concrete days (I'm sure she'd say, "well, I wanted to give you first consideration" but she's really trying to shore me up and make me commit.  Give her something to hold me to.)  I IGNORED this email.  It felt like an obvious trap.  I could see no road from a response on my part that would end well for me.

In between this, she puts on my sister's FB page "love you babes!!"  which is so 'un'-her (it's the FB her, the manufactured mom).  I get nothing (fine).  I have been avoiding liking her page, but I just can't "like" bullshit and lies.

Radio silence.  She texts and asks if I got my grandfather's Christmas card.  He's getting old and can't write as well, you know.  So he wasn't sure you got it.  I don't know why I need to tell my NM every year that I get my grandfather's card so that she can tell him (I always send a thank you card.  Not right away but always...oh, he sends a little bit of money for the kids and is anxious to know it arrived.)  But, whatever.  Sometimes replying to this "bullshit" stuff gets me off the hook with bigger stuff and she moves on after I ignore her.  So, I reply that I got it, sent her Christmas gifts out and hope she had a nice weekend.

She replies earlier today that she got the package (and then something to tell DH).  I didn't reply.  Wasn't really feeling in the mood to play "text ping pong" and figured her text didn't need a reply (sometimes if you reply, you get caught up in a huge thread and she won't let the texting stop.)

Tonight, she texted me and asked for my in-laws address.  No reason why.  Just wanting their address.

At the same time, she texted my husband a thank you for a gift he'd sent my step dad (not HER and my step dad, just step dad.  Not sure why she was thanking him.)  No question about HIS parent's address.

She has my in-laws address too.  They have exchanged "sympathy" cards when their parents died.  (Side note, MIL sent a sympathy card to my mother when her mother died, but nothing to me, as it was my grandmother.  But, whatever.  In fact, I don't remember them expressing sympathy at all.)  Other than that, they have NEVER exchanged cards.  NM and MIL rarely exchange Christmas cards with anyone.

I can't help but feel she is choosing to send my MIL a Christmas card to hurt my feelings.  Maybe I'm crazy.  Maybe I'm reading too much into the situation.  It's quite possible.  It's time's like this I wonder if I'm crazy, finding conspiracy where there is none.

It is quite possible she was moved by DH being kind to my step father (which he really was) and thought "I want to send MIL and FIL a card."  And, by her own admission, NM is always sad how few people are on her Christmas card list (actually, she bitches about it, but whatever.  She's sad.)  I get it.

But, what I don't get, is how it doesn't even OCCUR to her that, by befriending a woman who has caused her daughter SO MUCH PAIN, it feels like betrayal.  I'm not asking her to be mean, or rude, or unkind to this woman.  It makes it easier that they get along.  I wish she could support me more in my struggle with MIL (do you KNOW how much that would help to at least feel I had my mom on my side?).  But it is what it is.  I'm not asking them to fight. (And for the record, MIL and my SIL's mother can't stand each other.)

But it hurts like hell that my mom would befriend someone who hurts me so much.  That it hasn't occurred to her that she has totally invalidated me.  I know, to her, it's just a Christmas card.  But to me, it feels like betrayal.  But maybe I'm crazy.

13 comments:

  1. Don't convince yourself that you are crazy. Be kind to yourself. Just spent a session talking to my counselor about family relationships. She suggested something I hadn't considered. Set my boundaries, feel what I feel, and don't try to fix it. I said, "Excuse me?" That's right, she told me not to try to fix it. I hadn't thought of that as a possible solution. I will be experimenting but it was a different perspective than I have ever considered before. (I'm a fixer, I believe anything can be fixed. Going to be tough not to try to fix things.) Another thought that my sister uses is "An insanity folder." In this folder go all the weird emails and documentation of the strange behaviors of our mother. May not be used but nice to set it aside somewhere. Good luck on the holidays. (It really does bring out the worse in some people.)

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    1. "Set my boundaries, feel what I feel, and don't try to fix it." Brilliant! Thank you Ruth. Adding it to my toolbox.

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  2. You are absolutely not crazy. You are the exact opposite actually: very sane, quick-witted, intelligent, and together. And I think your observations of both your NM and NMIL are spot-on.

    "The therapist suggested this is "pushing back" but I felt that was too aggressive a descriptive for what I was doing. I felt this was merely standing my ground. How do you all feel?" I see it as standing your ground, though I don't like the implication that "pushing back" would somehow be wrong on your part. I think it's natural to want to push back, especially at the stage you are in. But in this particular case, I think it's you, standing your ground. Setting up boundaries with clear consequences and following through is NOT pushing back. It's allowing the natural results of their behaviors to happen. And it's necessary.

    The betrayal you feel about having your NM team up with your NMIL is familiar to me (and I'm sure to my DH). There's something particularly putrid about your NMIL and NM's situation too, because they don't even like each other. So it's all the more phoney. All the more contrived. And it mostly seems like they just do it to hurt you.

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    1. Thanks for your thoughts, Jonsi. It's helpful to have some reality checks and know that I'm not reading into things too much. And really, if I hadn't seen a pattern of this behavior over and over, I would still struggle to believe it.

      I do think that my mother does these things to hurt me. (As MIL makes less of an issue about being friends, I think she's just trying to look good. I think she thinks by keeping my mother around it will give her an advantage - she's clueless about the relationship I have with my mother, so I think she thinks we are close.) But, NM? She does it to hurt my feelings. She could've easily added the address request to the text she sent to DH at the same time. But she texted ME separately.

      I was telling the therapist about this all this morning, when it hit me. The fact that I can't even depend on MY OWN MOTHER to support me in my struggles with my MIL is what hurts the most. My own mother should be protective and supportive, not team up with the one of the people she knows hurts me most. She has not need to make friends with this woman. They've known each other for 16 years. If they were going to be friends, don't you think they would've gotten around to it by now? I just can't help but see it as a big, fat knife in the back.

      It's one of the hardest things about my mother: it's one thing to be clueless, or hurtful, or obtuse. But it's another to INTENTIONALLY and repeatedly cause harm and hurt to your child. To, in fact, get some glee from it. That is so messed up to me.

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    2. I agree with you completely. I hate that they expect your undying allegiance but feel they have the right to betray you whenever and however they feel like it. What a crazy power imbalance.

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    3. "They've known each other for 16 years. If they were going to be friends, don't you think they would've gotten around to it by now?" That's what I was going to say. That if they behaviour is not consistent then there's another element in the equation, and I'm afraid that it sounds to me that she's trying to get back at you. Which is pathetically passive aggressive on her part, and I am really sorry you have to go through this. I know it hurts deeply. Sending you hugs.

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    4. Thanks Kara. As hard as it to hear that you agree with me that she is trying to get back at me, it's nice to know that it's not all in my head. It's so easy to believe I'm over reacting to their behavior.
      And yes, Jonsi, it is a crazy. And it's one thing when the N is my sister or my MIL pulling this stuff, but it's so hard to swallow that it's my mother. Moms are the ONE person who is supposed to have your back, or at least try. Not use what hurts you most to get back at you (and for something so insignificant.) There is something fundamental abnormal to a mother trying to actively HURT her child.

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  3. How true, Jessie: These repeated Betrayals in which they are so transparently seeking to inflict pain on us are just inconceivable and yes, terrible hurtful. Especially when it's clear they're premeditated and intentional-it wasn't something done without forethought, but with malice.
    NM's asking you for MIL's address reminded me of the time she asked you about whether or not you had stored some records for her in which your CB Sister had (allegedly) expressed interest. NM was well aware of the situation with you and CB Sister but had to keep poking at that painful situation with her whole, "Who me? Oh, that's right-I FORGOT!" and trot out her Victim Status BS mien. There's always an Agenda on their part.
    You're not crazy at all! Perhaps the next time she pulls something like this if it's a text/email, you can just ignore it completely or keep telling her (if it's during a phone call) "Oh, I don't have that at the moment" in an offhanded manner-and keep "forgetting" to "look it up" and/or sweetly reminding her she already has the address.
    In my experience their assertions behaviorally or verbally that indicate they're "siding" with or supporting someone they know has caused you pain is so common-despite what they may have said or done previously! (Even 5 min. ago!) Crazy-Making. They'll gaslight if you confront them directly about their previous "position," assert they've "Never had a problem!" with the other inferring there's something wrong with you, engage in Selective Amnesia ("I didn't say THAT!"), convey they "Don't hold grudges!" unlike you, the moral/ethical midget-anything, to dig the knife in a little deeper.
    I agree with Ms. Jonsi on the T's "take:" Boundaries without consequences for violations aren't Boundaries at all, just dressed-up door mats.

    I remember the first time I realized my MN "Mother" was intentionally inflicting pain on me-it was a horrible realization. It was during one of my last annual Xmas Pilgrimages to her home and I was sitting on the couch in her Living Room. I felt something happen to my heart that day, truly a visceral/physical experience in my chest that I'd never experienced before or could even explain.
    Until my DH died. It's the physical feeling of my heart being shattered.

    Just one more possible "response" to "inquiries" that's worked for me-"Why do you ask?" with a smile. I've learned you can say just about *anything* as long as there's a sweet voice and a smile ;) Thankfully, MIL asks closed-ended questions so you can give mono-sybillic answers: "Yes," "No," "Uh Huh," "We'll See" while you look over her head-or anywhere as if you're rather preoccupied/looking for someone etc.
    (And BTW, did your "Mother" ever retrieve "her" records for CB sis?)

    Best and Warmest Wishes for a lovely, peaceful Holiday with your OWN family,
    TW

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    1. Thanks TW, and Merry Christmas to you too.

      Funny you should mention those records. NM came for a visit not long after that drama. I had thought about just setting them all out in the guest room and telling her take them all. But I didn't want to invite a discussion about my sister, so I decided to let her ask. Of course, she never did and hasn't since. (And you know, when she was "ridding" herself of everything from her "former life" - my childhood - she wasn't concerned with separating things out, just getting them out of her house. I've stored those suckers for over ten years.)

      Thank you for the suggestions. I've yet to pull out "why do you ask?" as it is actually a suggestion NM has given me to deal with MIL's aggressive questioning. Ironic, huh? :) And I'm not sure I can quite keep it sweet enough to not give me away ;).

      I did ignore this text. In fact, I deleted it so I didn't have to look at it. I figured if she asked, I'd just say I never saw it (the kiddos must've deleted it on accident).

      On a positive note, the "consequence" for my insubordination has been the cold shoulder. Dang! I'm just enjoying the quiet. (which is huge for me, since I used to be over come by the guilt).

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  4. Hi Jessie and Merry Christmas to you and your family. I think in time with more healing, this type of betrayal won't bother you. You will come to realize that there never will be any true emotional support in these "sides" dances the narcs do. Years ago, my own NM welcomed a former Narc friend of mine into her home and she clearly knew I was not talking to this woman any longer because of continued hurtful behavior towards me. I called my nm out on it and how much it hurt me and she accused me of making a big deal out of nothing. I learned that never would my mom have my back on others bad behavior. It took me quite a while to learn this lesson and now I just don't share anything emotional with her. I just recently told my NM that there will never be an reconciliation on my part with my NGC sis. I told her I was done bridging the gaps that my GC has created by her continued bad behavior. It seemed like she finally "heard" me but I don't doubt my words will get turned and twisted like they have in the past. I know now just not to let it get to me anymore. My NM can act like the victim all she wants but she created it and I'm not taking blame for it.

    I think you are doing a great job and you are definitely growing for sure. If it were me and the "huge" outrageous gifts continue to arrive, I would reject them. It will send a very clear message but how it's received is out of your hands.

    I pray for a peaceful holiday week so that you can enjoy your immediate family and not even think about those darn narcs. It's starting to get easier for me each year and it will for you too.

    Merry Christmas.......I always enjoy your blog! - Kel Ann

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    1. Thanks Kel Ann. I hope you have a good holiday too.

      I don't know if I'll ever completely "get over" how my NM treats me. Sort of like, if someone I loved really died, I'd never be "OK" with it and always miss them. But I'd certainly get better about dealing with it. And with my NM, I'm hoping that I'll be able to feel the hurt and move on. I don't want to numb out or dismiss my feelings. And no matter how much work I do, I think anyone would be hurt that their mother actively tries to hurt them. And it's hard to be reminded of the type of person my mother is. However, I think it gives me little reminders that she is not safe, so that I don't fall back into her traps, and that is helpful. It's not how I'd like things, but I've come to accept how it is.

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  5. Hi Jessie,
    What a pain with those big gifts. It makes me angry for you, just thinking about it. My mom plays games with her gift giving too, but not in that way. I have a friend who receives many large toys from her ILs and she told them at the beginning that she only has x amount of space, so give what you want, but know that we have to periodically get rid of things because can't store them. And get rid of things she does. I know her kids miss some of the special things they no longer own, but she doesn't have storage problems and her ILs know she means business.

    That wouldn't work with my own son, because like your children, he really does play with all of his toys. Maybe you could work with your kids to let go of some of the older things and keep their favorites? I've been working with my son to clear out some things he's outgrown and explaining about Goodwill and how it helps kids who wouldn't otherwise have those things has been helpful. Having your mom know her gifts are going to Goodwill might make her think twice about what she gives, and even if it doesn't, you still have more space.

    My mom always takes the side of anyone who is against me, too. It's a way of showing me how wrong I am. Always. No matter what, I am wrong.

    I wish you the best and a very Merry Christmas! -Dawn

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    1. Thanks Dawn. Merry Christmas to you too!

      I struggle with giving the kiddos gifts away because it really is punishing them for their grandmother's behavior. We do donate older toys and have talked about a garage sale. Part of the thing is, that my younger son uses the older toys of his brother, so we kind of have exploded in the toy area.
      I do think it's important that the consequences are for NM, not the kiddos. She sends them so many things that I think if I send one or two back, before the kids see them, that will be a consequence for her that they won't have to pay for. I really dislike that she puts them in the middle.

      Gift giving in general is a mine field with both my NM and NMIL. It is never an easy or uncomplicated situation and they use it to their full advantage, as it is one of the few places they still feel they can exert control, while still maintaining a "good image". If it's not one thing (big gifts), it's another.
      And yes, NM always wants to show me how wrong I am too.
      Thanks again for responding!

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