Hello

I'm not sure if anyone is still out there reading this blog.  I know it's been awhile.  I have still been working on dealing with my Ns, but I've needed to do some more personal work, rather than the more lengthy blog posts.
It's been 4 years since I went NC with my sister.  When she lied on FB about having cancer, I'd had enough.  I asked her to change her relationship with me.  I changed my relationship with her.  I refused to participate in the drama, the codependency, the enmeshment, and, most of all, the enmeshment.  But the merry-go-round of drama continues to go around with her.  Last year, she rushed to my grandmother's death bed to "make amends" after 15 years of estrangement.  (She N-raged against my grandmother and then blamed my grandmother for not "reaching out" to her and making her feel better.)  She managed to "martyr" herself into getting the most money of any of the grand kids out of my grandmother and my grandmother's car.  She also used the opportunity to try and force me into contact.  The latest drama is centered around her break up with her long-term and abusive (she's abusive too) boyfriend.  Again, she suddenly wants to "fix" our relationship.  But really she just wants me to take on her issues again.  She has been buzzing around a lot lately, trying to see what she can do to get me to interact.  Up to this point, I have held strong.  
I slowly went more and more LC with my mother too. She had started in picking on my oldest son and I'd had enough.  So, I severly limited contact between her and my kids.  And I started to fade away.  Although NM was clearly not happy about it, she didn't bring it up, but rather, silently seethed.  In May, while visiting for my youngest son's birthday, NM spent over an hour trying to pick a fight with me.  She kept bringing up ridiculous subjects that she knows are touchy subjects (one being politics) and tried to force me to get angry.  What she was really aiming for was to confront me about my NC with my sister and my LC with her.  She mimiced me, made fun of me, belittled me and basically treated me disrespectfully.  I finally lost it and told her:  treat me with respect and like an adult or we won't have a relationship.  I finally told her (quite calmly but VERY firmly) that I was done with the relationship as it was.  She (literally) glowered at me.  She glared unblinkingly at me.  I asked her twice to stop.  She didn't, so I left.  She then started in on my husband, complaining to him about me and saying what I was doing "wasn't right" (I'm assuming what I was "doing" was going LC/NC).  He defended me and she claimed to "understand" that he was defending his wife, but that he "knew" I was in the wrong.  I grey rocked her for the next day in order to keep the peace for the sake of my son.
After she left, she sent me several texts and an email, apologizing for "her part" in the disagreement and that she "wanted our relationship back the way it was".  When I didn't respond, she started texting and bugging my husband again.  I finally responded that things weren't working as they were, that things needed to change, and the relationship would require some work.  I haven't heard from her since then.  Of course, until now, when she wanted to come for my older son's birthday party (not his actual birthday, but the party.)
I know,  I should just cut her off.  (Especially after watching the co-dependent mess she participated in with my sister this summer.  After the break up, my 36 year old sister moved back home for a month, sponged off my mother, and then moved back out when they couldn't get along.  Shocker!  NSIS had been making up more fake medical issues and expected everyone to rescue her.  Really, she just needs a therapist.  But God forbid, she gets on of those.  She verbally abused my father, threw tantrums, and basically caused havoc.  And NM lapped it all up, enjoying the drama and then complaining about being involved in the drama.  And then she and NSIS would go on FB and act like the perfect mother and daughter.)
My sons (especially the oldest) still loves their grandmother.  I still don't feel completely right about going NC.  I am allowing NM to come for one day for the birthday party.  And I'm dreading it (as my sons skip around excitedly for grandma to come).  I have no doubt she's still seething and looking for ways to get revenge (she is a horribly vengeful person).    I can see now how much the stress and anxiety around these two woman makes me sick.  I have had nightmares and been irritable and depressed.  I plan to grey rock the shit out of her (it will help she has my step father with her this time.  She behaves somewhat around him),  But I'm dreading it.  My husband is against NC.  He feels my kids will resent me for cutting off their grandparents (my MIL is a narcissist too.)  We have little to no extended family around our kids.  (They have 4 uncles/aunts +their spouses; none of whom makes any effort to be in their lives.  My BIL and SIL only live five minutes from us and we never see them.)
The whole situation makes me sad.  I do feel a lot stronger than I have in the past.  I feel more self assured.  Standing up to NM in May really helped my self-confidence and independence.  But I still feel mired in the shit.  I still feel sad, and lost, and lonely.  I feel like a person without a "home".  I worry about my kiddos.  I worry about the covert manipulation by their grandmothers.  I worry about them feeling isolated and alone without extended family.
We also don't have many close friends.   We are working on it, but it's been a slow process.  People our age have friends and don't need new ones.  I had made one friend, but after I asked her to watch my home for a week, some sides of her came out that I was not thrilled about (she wasn't honest and allowed her kids to have a play date with another kid at our home).  That relationship is on "pause" while I figure out what to do (our kids are close friends, so, yet another decision that can effect my kids).
I'm stuck also trying to explain things to my kids.  I don't believe in completely not saying anything to the kids.  As with any difficult subject, I think it's important to share age-appropriate information.   I don't want to like giving my sons the impression that their grandmothers are great people and people we should want to be around a lot.  I don't want to participate in them being "groomed" by their grandmothers by acting as if grandma is normal.  Both my kids are very perceptive and have picked up on things.  But they are young, and I've been warned to not burden them emotionally with "adult" issues.
On the plus side, my father finally has heard me.  When my grandmother died, I finally let it all out.  That I was in therapy.  That I had PTSD.  That I had been suicidal.  That the relationship with my mother and sister was horribly toxic to me.  My father isn't particularly warm or open emotionally.  H has had his own trauma and suffers severe depression (which made him angry and abusive when I was a kid.  He's getting treatment and is a lot better).  But he, at least, understood and told me I was doing the right thing.  Of everybody in this world, he is the only other person who understands the depth of the problems with my mother and sister.  He's a victim of them too.  He's not great at support, but he's at least been there somewhat.  So, it's something.

So, I'm still plugging along.  But I wonder if it will ever get significantly better.  To where this doesn't weigh on me so damn much.  To where I can detach and completely focus on my own family.  It bothers me SO much that this takes up so much of my energy and emotional space, which takes me away from my own family.  As I watch my kids grow so quickly, I don't want to waste this time on unnecessary drama.  Which is why I moved away from the Ns in the first place.  But I become frustrated with the time and effort it takes to make progress.  I wonder if I"m progressing fast enough to not harm my kids.  I wonder if I'm doing the right things by my kids (am I being selfish with LC/NC?  Is it fair for my kids to have no extended family?  How much contact is reasonable?  How much should I share?  How can I protect my kids from the covert nature of my Ns? It goes on and on.)

Wish me luck in the next few weeks.  It is so frustrating that all my Ns come hoovering around during important times in my kids' lives.  I think I'll make it through, but I am so anxious....

Mirror, Mirror...I'm Invisible

I wanted to expand on my last post about my feelings that no matter what I do, I can never be a "good daughter" to my mother.  After Quartz's comment about how my mother won't let me be a good daughter to her, my brain started to fit some puzzle pieces together in a different way.   I have felt that the choice my mother presents me with is either to completely do what she wants (act as she wants, respond as she wants, give her whatever she wants) or to be labeled a "bad daughter".  I was describing the situation to my husband as having to relinquish any sense of personal integrity and personal identity OR have a relationship with my mother.  I'm not allowed to have both, in her mind.  I'm not allowed to be "me" if I want a relationship with her.   I've realized that I think it goes a bit further than just not being myself, but that I must be a perfectly black slate, a perfect mirror to reflect back at her.  And in order to be the "perfect mirror",  my soul, my identity must be perfectly invisible to her.  I must become so enmeshed with her that I do not exist at all.

This idea came to me because of two recent events.  Since I've been NC with my N-sister and LC with my NM, my sister have become closer (read: more enmeshed).  They've always been the more bonded of the three of us.  I always always sort of the "spare wheel" (not even the third wheel.  I was the one they used when the other one wasn't meeting their needs).  My younger sister was my mother's "baby" (and by result, also expected to be "my baby".  I was to care for her just as my mother did.)  My sister and mother often "paired off", while I was expected to have my father be my "main" parent.  I was mommy's little helper, but not my sister clearly got the most attention (even if it was mostly negatively gained), time, and support.  My mother often said she felt sorry for her and as my sister was a very difficult child, she sucked up my mother a lot.  And despite them having a very love/hate relationship, I've often felt that they are more closely connected than I was with either of them.  (Not that I think that's a bad thing for me.  I think the two of them are so similar that that is the reason they more closely bonded.)

I have put down my foot on playing NM's "pretend" game on FB and I don't participate in the staged selfies with her, I don't allow her to stage selfies with my kids or use them to further her "grandma image" on FB.  My sister does.  My sister plays participates fully.  Lots of selfies together.  Lots of "love you!!!!" exchanges.  Lots of "momma bear" and "my baby" comments between each other.  My mother consistently refers to my sister (who is 36) as "her baby".  They project, together, a very solid image of a mother-daughter bond.  My mother gushes over her, gushes over her gifts (a very thoughtful gift I gave her for Christmas got ignored until NM could find a way to exploit it for supply on FB.  My sister's gift was gushed over immediately), posts tons of pictures of her, talks about how beautiful she is,,,,,, and on and on.  NM took one of these FB quiz/app things that displays in graphic form the words she uses the most (the most frequent words showed up largest).  Not surprisingly, my sister's name showed up as one of the largest; I couldn't find my name (or even of my kids) at all.

And while I really don't want to be the object of my NM's FB gushes, it is difficult to see such a visible representation of her adoration for my sister.  It does sting, although I'm not particularly jealous.   I don't want to participate in my NM's life as my sister does (and I suspect that evey thing isn't as rosey as they make it out to be), but it's painful to see how "close" and "loving" they believe they are together.

But the thing is, my NSIS allows NM to project off of her without any interference.  She never contradicts NM's little staged scripts on FB.  She never offers up contrary opinions, criticism, or objections.  She never asks to be seen as a separate person.  In fact, the two of them are quite fused.   The have very similar interests and NM revels in being more like a twin sister than of mother and daughter.  NM is WAY over involved in my sister's social life and the enemshement is very obvious to me.  NM also uses my sister as a sort of fantasy.  I believe that my mother secretly wishes she had my sister's life: wishes she was as daring, outspoken, and brash as my sister.  She secretly craves the excitement (drama and chaos) of my sister's life.  She lives vicariously through her.  And that too always NM to reflect back on herself exactly as she wants.  NM can see herself as "strong", "bold", "outgoing", "cute", "beautiful" because she sees in it my sister and, through the enmeshment, claims it as her own.

I can clearly see that having my own feelings, ideas, and thoughts gets in NM's way of her reflection of herself.  If she has to "see" me, than she can't be looking past me into herself.  So, when I put up boundaries, ask for consideration, express my individuation, it is offensive to my NM.  She finds it as disrespectful as I am not giving her what she wants, a completely unobstructed view to the image she's created.

Another reason all of this came to light was due to a relatively silly thing.  My NM has extreme adoration for my old kindergarten teacher.  As my children are now in primary school, this old narrative of how wonderful and great my kindergarten teacher was keeps coming up.  And she doesn't just speak about her, she prefaces it with "Wasn't she the BEST teacher Jessie?"  "Did you just think she was wonderful Jessie?"  It's always important to her that I buy into the narrative.  That I express her thoughts as my own.  That I echo back exactly what she thinks.  I am almost 40, so my memories of my kindergarten teacher are vague.  I know she was nice and kind, but beyond that, I do not remember much.  I don't remember her as standing out any more than some of my other nice and kind teachers.  But for some reason (which she never specifies) NM always claims she was my favorite teacher and that I love her so much.   The last time NM visited, she was pontificating about my old teacher again, how she was the best, and didn't I wish my kids could have her too?  I finally told her no.  That I didn't remember my teacher all that well.  That my kids had plenty of nice and kind teachers.  That I don't remember the teacher being all that important to me.  NM was quite offended.  I remember her looking at me as if I had two heads.  I hadn't been rude.  I hadn't been confrontational, I simply just didn't gush about my teacher as NM wanted me too.

I realized that if I don't parrot back to my NM everything it completely destroys her fantasy.  There is no place for me to have my own feelings, thoughts, or individuation.  It's not that I just have to agree with my NM, I have to completely BE her.  I have to reflect back the exact image that SHE wants to be seen as.  I don't feel as if NM doesn't like me or the person I am, hell she doesn't even know who I am.  My biggest sin, according to NM is that I have any personality, any ideas, anything other than being an extension of her reality.  I am to be completely invisible.  I am to have no needs, no thoughts, no plans, to will that doesn't originate with her.

I've spent a lot of time in my relationship feeling like I'm invisible.  And recently, pondering why I can't be a "good daughter" to my mother, it occurred to me (as Quart pointed out ) that I can never be because she can't see any of that at all because she won't let me.  And any attempts be my to break out of her roll for me completely shatters back that mirror reflection and shakes her out of her illusions of reality.

Even further, the more I attempt to express myself, the more she's attempted to push me back to being invisible.  In this last year I've given her two gifts.  Not because I had to, not because I expected anything.  Just to be kind.  NM didn't want to see that, so she completely ignored them (which is unlike her).  The first gift, she wouldn't turn around from playing basket ball on my children's hoop to look at.  I didn't even think she knew what it was until I realized she'd taken it with her when she left. She never acknowledged it.  The next gift, she minimized and ignored until it suited a FB post (in which she still didn't acknowledge me).  She doesn't like me speaking up, so she ignores me.  She doesn't like me ruining her false-reality, so she doesn't include me (and aggrandizes my sister).  She punishes my kids by ignoring them.  (I upset her the other day too, as she wanted to buy my kids some new clothes.  This is her one of her false realities that I've also ruined.  She likes to be the "rich" person who runs in with money to save people and be the hero.  I, however, have plenty of money to take care of my children and it offends her.  She asked to buy my son some shorts and asked his size.  I told indulged her for a bit, commenting on the several choices she sent me with photographs.  When she asked if he was still his old size, I said yes, but that he has plenty of shorts, so she should size up.  She then asked what he did need.  I answered honestly, that he didn't need anything ( in fact, he has more than enough).  She responded by saying that she just wouldn't get anything at all than if she couldn't buy him his current size.   I ruined her fantasy, so she chose to do nothing at all.)

I am very saddened by the fact that in order to have a relationship with my mother, I have to be completely invisible: no thoughts, no feelings, no ideas, no personality.  I can not be myself at all.  My mother does not love me for me at all.  I know that this is an "old" idea that I've come to terms with several times in the past, but the weight of it all seems to be finally hitting me with full force.  (I'm guessing that my psyche wouldn't allow me to feel all of the feelings towards this at once, as it would have devastated me, and so I keep coming back to it as I'm able to tolerate the pain).  She won't let me be a real person at all.  And that makes me very disappointed and sad.

The Good Girl

Hi all.  It's been awhile since I've written here.  I've been working on healing in a few different ways, and so the blog has been neglected.  It's been hard to come up with full posts and and ways to put things so they make sense and so posts have been hard.  Most of what I've been working on is small details put that are forming into "big picture" ideas.

The holidays, while not horrible, were exhausting for me.  All in all, my FOO had a really nice time.  We were busier than usual.  I was happier than usual.  I was able to fully be in the moment.  But with any holiday,  the Ns come buzzing around like flies.  They have expectations, demands, and bone to pick.

At present, I am LC (and pushing for more) with my NM, LC with my in-laws, and NC with my NSIS.  The NC has been difficult for me, as I've come to realize I really do not want a relationship with my sister.  The few bits I've heard from her and about her, tell me she hasn't changed at all.  My MIL was very gravely ill this summer and it has led to a whole lot of changes between DH and I.  She allowed a lot of her true nature to shine through, and I believe he's seen things he can't unsee.  I've been pushing NM back further and further and it's been very interesting to watch her reaction.   She hounded me a ton over Christmas.  Lots of texts, lots of pressure to visit soon.  Because I didn't do what she wanted, she suddenly became cold, distant, and icy.  She started DARVO-ing, implying she was going to stop giving me "more chances" because I'd been "disrespectful".  I spent a lot of time thinking about how she views things and how she can possible believe something like that.

I have finally reached the conclusion that my mother absolutely can not handle any negative emotions from me or my sister.  No sadness, no angry, no disappointment.  If my sister feels that way, she does something to "fix" her (temperarily bandage the problem).  If I feel that way, she completely dismisses me, ignores me, pretends she doesn't hear me or doesn't see the issue, or attacks me for being angry with her.

Growing up, my mother was quite distant.  I remember her spending a lot of time on chores.  She worked full time, but when she wasn't, she cooked, cleaned, or really did anything else.  She didn't play with me, help me with homework, ask me about school or friends, help me run lines for my school plays.  She just never felt very interested in me at all.  We didn't have a lot of money (something my mother must have said a lot, as that was always the feeling I got.  My mother has a big issue with being poor).  But I was clothed and fed.  I had nice toys and had good (although not lavish, which is fine) Christmas'.   We were well "taken care of".  But I don't remember being really maternal at all.  She "ticked all the boxes" of what a mother should do (credit for that saying to my friend Kara).

I do remember her being very withdrawn and cold and depressed.  I remember always trying so hard to not upset her further.  I remember trying so hard to appease my sister (who was, unlike me, not afraid to act up or express her needs and wants.  She was vocal, volatile, and intense).  I know my mother asked me often to appease my sister.  Just give in so that my sister would behave.  I was the ultimate "good girl".  I realize I wasn't perfect, but I was always trying very, very hard to not make waves.  I was good in school (in fact, if I ever got in trouble, which I think maybe happened twice, I was devastated).  It's not that this necessarily came naturally.  I tried very, very hard to BE a good girl.  I did whatever it took be the good girl.  I helped out, I was friendly and kind.  I did all my homework and chores.  Even into my teens, I was a relatively good kid.  Despite a herendous divorce and my family life falling down around me, I still worked, got almost all As, participated in college level courses and extra-curricular activities, and took on a lot of the responsibility for my sister.  I had always taken on extra responsibilities involving my sister.  From the time I was very young.  I was the perfect mother's helper.  (You can imagine my hurt and surprise when my mother tells me now about how she'll tell anyone who listens how "hard raising teenage girls are."  She'll go on and on about "girls' - she knows enough not to call me out directly.)

When my parents divorced, my mother pretty much abandoned me for my teen years.  The little involvement she did have went down to almost nothing.  Despite being exceptionally depressed and upset about the divorce, my mother acted as if I should be "fine".  Any extra support went to my sister, who had seemed to explode into a pillar of problems, issues, and chaos.    It's not that NM had so many problems with my sister that she couldn't also attend to me.  It was that she never, ever considered how I was feeling or what I was going through.  If I expressed any dissent, hurt, or God forbid, the slightest degree of anger, she would shut me down immediately.  My unhappiness was impeding and dampening HER happiness, so I was not allowed to be unhappy.  I distinctly remember her telling me "It is my turn to be happy."  I can look back now and see how she felt she'd sacrificed for her family (she had an NM and an alcoholic father and had taken on a lot of family responsibilities herself) and than been so unhappy with my father.  But at the time, I was stunned that I wasn't allowed to have ANY feelings because it conflicted with what she wanted to do.   I wasn't allowed to talk about it.  When I spent three weeks locked in my room, only coming out for school, she ignored me.  She never asked how I felt, never talked to me about the divorce.  And in fact, she then pushed her "new" family at me and demanded that I fall into line and embrace these strangers (my step father, in particular, who she'd been having an affair with.)  The divorce was acrimonious, there was significant traumas, my sister was out of control, I was left alone a LOT to care for my sister on the weekend, yet my mother never once bothered to stop and consider how I feel.

In my mid-20s, she apparently grew bored with her new family and decided to swoop back in and take back the reigns as "THE mom" in charge of me.  It was at this point, she became very enmeshing and co-dependent.  She had been quite enmeshing when I was a child (not considering what I liked, who I was, or what I wanted) but as an adult, it took on a whole new level.  She wanted to operate my life like she was at the control panel.  She expected to push buttons and I would do whatever she wanted.  And in a lot of ways, I did just that.  As I said, since a young girl, I had always wanted to just make my mother happy.  I wanted to fix that unhappiness she seemed to have (which now came because my sister, 10 years later, as still extremely out of control and we never knew if any day she would find some way to kill herself.  And my the "shine" of the new family had worn off).    So,  I tried to make her happy.  Tried to do what she wanted and be the "good girl" again.  The wounds of the divorce hadn't healed (I had felt so utterly abandoned) but my mom was "back" and I so wanted to make it work.

But, of course, it didn't.  Any attempts to have a real relationship, express any individuality, act like an adult were insults to her.  She took great personal offense to me not accepting her "help" (money forced on me so she could strong arm me into doing what she wanted.  She now had a rich husband, so money became her favorite tool.  It worked on my sister but not me.).  If I didn't take what she offered, I was ungrateful.  If I did take it, I took advantage of her.  If I did take it and didn't do what she wanted, I was spoiled.  I just couldn't win.

And during this time, she tended to take out her own anger about how her life had turned out and project it onto me.  She had constant criticisms and was just down right nasty at times.  Little insults, little digs.  Constantly telling me that I didn't measure up to her expectations.  For a little girl who only wanted to please her mom, who had been terrified of losing her family during the divorce, I often acted desperately to please her.  I was in my 20s, but I still felt very much like a lost little girl.

I finally started to gather some courage and stand up to her in my late 20s.  Many events had become so difficult with her and I was frustrated and saddened that I couldn't figure out how to "get along" with her.  I decided to try talking things out with her.  This did NOT go over well.  Expressing any sort of feelings to her got regulated to "you're just still upset about the divorce".  Being a bit naive at the time and unsophisticated in dealing with Ns, I didn't have a response for this.  I didn't realize how she was shifting the point to take the pressure off of her.  I WAS still upset about the divorce.  I'd never had a chance to heal, my mother had never acknowledged that I even had a right to be upset about the divorce, and because she kept telling me that, my being upset was an affront to her happiness, I had stuffed all of my upset down.  I had wanted her to be happy, so I refused to acknowledge how upset and angry I was.

But that had NOTHING to do what was going on now.  My upset with my mother had to do with her controlling, belittling, demanding, and insensitive behavior.  It had to do with her insults and continued abuse of me.  It had to do with her emotionally raking me over the coals.  It had to do with her expectation that I was just as "responsible" for my sister and her out of control behavior as my own mother.  Her expectation that I was to fix it.  It had to do with my mother using me as her own personal psycho-therapist and dumping all of her problems on me.  Yes, the divorce wound was there, but it had nothing to do with what I was trying to resolve with my mother.

These interactions left me baffled and hurt.  I again felt so minimized.  I felt that I couldn't quite get to whatever it was I need to get to in my mother to make any difference in our relationship.  My feelings, my emotions, my anger with her, my hurt towards he was so offensive to her that she wouldn't allow me to express it at all.  If I did, she would become very wounded, hurt, angry, or upset.  And watching her feel like that was the ultimate discomfort for me.  I didn't want to hurt my mother.  

The pressure kept building though.  I remember one night in which she'd been drinking and had become particularly nasty in her criticism and snark.  We were driving home and she was yelling at me about how I was "just still upset about the divorce.  You're just still upset I married your step father."  I can remember fighting that feeling so badly to tell her how I felt.  I knew it would NOT end well if I did.  I remember her pushing and pushing me to tell her how I felt.  Not because she actually wanted to hear it, but because she was testing to me to see if I'd hold back.  She wanted me to deny every feeling I had and tell her that I wasn't angry with her, I wasn't upset with her, she was a GREAT mom and I loved her.  But I didn't.  I finally decided to give her what she'd been pushing me to do and I let her have it.  I wasn't mean towards her (I was still respectful, not calling her names or accusing her of anything) but I unleashed how I really felt.  And she went beserk.  We were in a Home Depot parking lot, me curled in a ball in the back seat, her screaming and clawing at the door to get out.  It was locked (automatically locks if the car travels over 15 mph) and she was like a caged animal trying to get out.  She was screaming at my husband to take her home.  He gently told her he thought we needed to just talk and figure things out.  I was sobbing.  She screamed so badly and freaked out so much that we took her to her hotel.  She got out with out a word.  The next day, she stopped by my house to say good bye and return a hair dryer.  She said not one word about it, didn't ask to resolve anything, but gave me a hug and figured that solved it all.

From that moment on, things were never quite the same.  As my kids came along, she demanded more and more to be put front and center.  And if I didn't, she became angry and hostile.  She played the victim.   She accused me of being unkind, keeping her from her grand kids, being selfish, and spoiled.  She accused me of favoring my in-laws (HAHA!  And she knows how much I struggle with them.)  She continues to dismiss me at every chance she gets.  In the last 4 years of LC, in which I went from talking to her for 2-3 hours every other day (well, listening to her, not really talking) to only talking briefly on holidays and birthdays.  I don't tell her anything about my life, and she doesn't ask.  I don't make an effort to see her.

In all this time, she's never once asked me how I'm feeling or if I'm OK.  She's never asked to make things better.  She's continued to pretend everything is fine.  She's never asked me if somethings wrong.  When I went NC with my sister, she never asked to hear my feelings on it.  She's preached to me about my sister, badgered me to get back into contact, and continued to share any and all details of how "great" my sister is doing (this is a lie).  But she's never asked what I need, how I'm doing, or if there is something SHE can help ME with.  She has never once, to my recollection really wanted to know what my feelings are.

The only time she cares is if it's a dramatic situation and she can suck up the NS from it or somehow position herself so she's pitying me.  It's only ever been to gain an advantage (like when my grandmother died almost a year ago, she suddenly became very "concerned" about me.  Interesting, because when her own mother died, she had no ability to see I might be grieving at all. )

As I've said no more and more to her, I can see that "good girl" image pop up in my head over and over.  This is the one tool she uses on me the most.  My willingness to be conscious, my desire to be the good daughter who makes her mother happy, my wish for a happier family.  She knows damn well that is my soft spot and uses it to her full advantage.  It really is difficult, because, often, I feel I'm compromising my own integrity by NOT doing what she wants.  I'm happy to give people what they ask for a lot of the time.  I'm happy to compromise and make people feel special and give a lot.  But when I discovered that she was using this to her advantage, asking more than she should have, and expecting total compliance, I was dumbfounded.

I've also realized that this is what sets me up to fail a lot with my NMIL too.  I want to be the "good DIL".  I want to make the family happy and get along.  I want to compromise and make it work.

Unfortunately, the goal of "good daughter/DIL" (and "good sister" ) is always changing in it's parameters.  I can never be good enough or just "good".   I have to do every little thing they tell me too.  I have to compromise and give up EVERYTHING that I am.  I have to relinquish any control over my life, my kids life and do whatever they want, whenever they want.  And even then, they will not be happy.

I have realized often in the past (intellectually) that I need to give up their definition of "good" and just do what I believe a good daughter would do.  And while I can understand that, the "doing" of that and fully taking that into my soul, is so much harder.  There is still a part of me that just wants her to be happy.  A part of me that just wants to figure it all out and get along.  I beat myself up routinely (aided by a lot of flying monkeys) for not being able to work out why I can't just be satisfied with doing what I know to be right.  In almost any area of my life, other than dealing with Ns, I'm very confident in knowing I've done the right thing.  Many people tell me I'm full of integrity and a kind and thoughtful person.  I just can't see what the next step is to getting rid of the discomfort of not living up to my mother's (and MIL's) expectations of me.  I'm not sure how to handle the criticism, nastiness, passive-aggressiveness, and shaming that comes from them when I don't live up to who they want me to be.  I don't know how to get self-esteem in that area.   I'm not sure how to deflect the gaslighting when they claim it's all me and I'm just a sorry excuse for a human being.    I can know it in my head, but how do I incorporate it into my being.

A Family Trip

We recently went to visit the city in which my sister lives.  DH and I both LOVE this city and haven't been there for four years.  It's been three years since I stopped having a relationship with my sister.

Ironically, I had encouraged my sister to move to this city.  It's a lot closer to our home than the other city she lived in.  She was in the same town as my father, but that wasn't healthy for either of them.  She was in an abusive relationship, wasn't thriving, and I thought that if she moved to a new town, a town that seemed more in sync with her personality, she could finally break free from her self destruction.  I'm sure no one will be surprised to learn that the move didn't fix much.

We had gone to this town several times over the years.   The last time, I took my newborn over to visit her.  Yup, that's how our relationship worked.  She didn't come to meet her new nephew, but I took him over there.  She had offered to come and help me during the birth.  But when I suggested that bringing her new (and abusive) boyfriend to meet me at the same time as I was recovering from a C-section and had a newborn was not a good idea, she suddenly chose not to come.

We had to keep the vacation a secret up until the last minute.  I did not want my NM to know that we went.  She would have laid on a ton of guilt.  She was here the weekend before we left and it was exhausting.  Not that there was anything really "bad" that happened, but it was constant ducking and weaving to avoid falling into her traps.

I was anxious going to the city.  It's a big city, but I was worried I would accidentally run into her.  I know that seems paranoid, but I just couldn't imagine what I would do if I did happen upon her.   DH asked what I would do.  Anxiety and fear popped up.  I imagined that it would not go well.  She would expect me to have a reaction (happy to see her), I imagine, that I knew I wouldn't have.  I feared that if I did see her, N-rage would come out and she would yell, curse, maybe even hit me if she saw me in person.  She has no self control with her emotions and lashes out and fearing her attacking me in front of my kids was not far fetched.  She cares not at all about the feelings and thoughts of my kids.

During the trip, I would relax when we were some place that I knew she would clearly not be.  But I kept scanning the crowd anytime we were in a more public area or in a neighborhood near where she lives.  I was afraid of pulling up next to her at a stop light.

Memories of our last trip over to see her contrasted sharply with this visit.  Before I even went the last time, I tried to establish some boundaries.   Our family was going for a vacation, not just to visit my sister.  We were happy to have her join us, but I didn't want to have things revolved around her.  I didn't want to pay for her for everything (she's in her 30s and capable of paying for things herself.)  When I tried to explain to my NM that we were going to do things outside of seeing my sister, she became upset, telling me that I needed to make sure my sister's feelings were at the forefront.  The fact that DH and I were taking our family, wanting to do some other things (that my sister wouldn't like), that I couldn't afford to pay for my sister to join us on our more "touristy" activities didn't matter to NM.

When we arrived in town, we headed for the beach.  It took my sister over an hour to meet up with us (I had a toddler and a newborn, but we worked on HER schedule) because she was at the courthouse.  Her boyfriend had struck her, been arrested by the police, and she was at the courthouse worried that he'd get sent to jail for it.  That was her primary concern, not that we had driven 8 hours to meet up with her.

The next day, we went out for dinner by ourselves, only because it was our anniversary.  Normal sisters would have offered to watch the kids so her sister could have a nice dinner.  But not my sister.  Not that I would have left my kids with her anyway.

We took the kids to the zoo.  My sister showed up in a crop top and daisy dukes.  And thin, flimsy flip flops.  An hour into the day, she was complaining about her feet hurting.  When we went to get the tickets to go in, she just stood back and let my husband pay for her's.  She didn't ask, but didn't offer at all.  She has this way of projecting entitlement: if she's going to "honor" you with her presence of coming (which I had tried to tell her she didn't have to come), you have to pay for that.  She would never spend HER money on something SHE didn't want to do in the first place.  She was doing us a "favor".   As I was used to taken care of her and NM often made me feel I had to pay for my sister, I did it.  At lunch, NSIS complained about the prices of the food.  Again, she could afford it (she showed up the day before in $200 boots), but she felt she shouldn't HAVE to pay for something that we wanted to do.  Despite the fact that I had told her many, many times that I knew it would be expensive for her and she didn't have to join us, she came anyway.  And made us pay for it.  Towards the end of the day she became really testy.  She gets irritable easily. I again encouraged her to go home, that we were perfectly fine with that.  But nope.  She stayed.  And made us miserable.

Later that day, we met her for dinner (at a place she chose).  By now the novelty of the kids had warn off.  The way she seemed so disconnected from them seemed odd.  I often got the feeling that she was always annoyed with my husband because he got too much of my attention.  She seemed the same way with the kids.  Like they were an inconvenience to her getting attention.  She started in on a diatribe about herself, her friends, her life.  She started ordering whiskey on the rocks with a beer.  Every round.  And she had a few.  And then, not surprisingly, she didn't even move when the bill came.  I always felt so badly when my husband had to pick up the check for her.  This wasn't the first time, and in fact, whenever we were around her, she just felt my husband should pay (I don't think she really connects that HIS money is my money.  It's like she feels she can take advantage of him, that he "has" money and so he "should" pay for her.  Thinking about the fact that we were paying a pretty penny to visit the city in the first place was not even on her radar.)  She grew bored with "family time" and went out to drink with her boyfriend for the evening.

Luckily, the next day we went and visited some tourist attractions, which is beneath her, and so we were spared from spending the time with her.  She came one more time to say goodbye.

The contrast between that last trip stood in such opposition to this trip.  Despite the anxiety of seeing her, I was much more relaxed.  I didn't feel torn between avoiding her rages and keeping her happy, and sacrificing my family's enjoyment and money and respect.  I didn't have to worry about her being snippy to my husband.  I could work around what my KIDS wanted to do, instead of what she wanted to do.  I didn't have to worry about her sharing things that were inappropriate for kids or swearing and cursing (her creepy boyfriend has a weird internet site that has a very vulgar cartoon image of a woman in outline.  She had a sticker of this on her vehicle.  I couldn't imagine having to explain that to my kids now.....and I wondered at the time how other people parked behind her at stop lights appreciated that image).    I didn't have to work around the creepy boyfriend or make small talk with someone who is a complete self absorbed schmuck.  I didn't have to explain why she chain smokes to my kids or worry about the example she would set by drinking so much.  We could go do "touristy" or just things we wanted to do while in the town without worrying about working around her.  I didn't have to worry about what she was going to tell my NM when we left (about how horrible I was, how my husband wasn't nice to her, blah, blah.)  I didn't have to worry about NM lecturing me about making sure my sister was OK and her feelings were foremost and her needs were met during the visit.  I didn't have to worry about her relegating my husband to "scenery" while she dominated all my attention and the conversation at the table.

I didn't miss her.  I didn't feel sad that I didn't see her.  I wasn't upset that I was so close to her and didn't visit.  At all.  It makes me sad that this is what it's come too, but looking back at the toxicity, the stress, the craziness that used to involve any visit with her, and I don't miss it at all.  I just don't see how I could ever go back to a relationship like that.

"She's beautiful, inside and out" (Or, why am I such a misfit)

Fellow blogger, Judy, often titles posts "Brain Dump" when needing to get something off her mind. This is going to be a "Heart Dump" post.  I just need to get some feelings off my chest so they quit festering.

While all of this stuff has been going on with MIL, I've seen her family hardly do anything to help her or my FIL out.  One BIL went down and actually helped.  We tried (twice) to stop by and see her.  Her GC, seemingly, had lakes to visit and other activities to do.  DH finally organized a trip for all of MIL's kids to come and see her.  That was it.

Yet, they continue to play big, happy family on FB.  (I know, I shouldn't look at FB.  They are all on "restricted" status, so I can't see if I don't look, but sometimes I get curious.  Plus, it keeps me in the loop, so I'm never taken by surprise by their antics.  It also helps to keep track of what they are lying about.)  They talk about "family" and hanging out together....yet, when BIL and SIL were up at a family vacation home, all I saw were tons of photos of the FRIENDS they took up (probably to show off).  One of our mutual friends describes it as BIL's "fan club", which seems about right.

It was SIL's birthday, and they all made a HUGE deal wishing her happy birthday.  Every one of them has an addiction to exclamation points.  (Seriously!!!! Everything they say is followed by them!!!!! I don't even think they know how to use periods!!!!!)  BIL said "Happy Birthday, Sis!!!"  She is not his actual sister.  He has NEVER referred to me as his sister.  In fact, he didn't even wish me a happy birthday this year.  Or the year before that.  He and SIL are not particularly close (although SIL and BIL are very dependent on this BIL for "advice".  They treat him sort of like a parent and he loves that they "look up" to him and "admire" him.  He likes that they maintain the image of himself that he has created.)  My other SIL, whom I used to be close too until I found out she sold me out repeatedly, made a big gushy thing about "can't wait to see you!!!!!".  I live five minutes from her house.  I haven't seen her in months (unless you count her crabby, pouty butt at my son's birthday party.  She was hung over and had all kinds of attitude about having to be there.)

I know it's an act.  I know that it's phony.  I know that I don't want any part of that bullshit.  And I refuse to play into their egos.  But it still upsets me.

My NM and NSIS just got back from a vacation they took together.  NM was in Vegas for a conference.  She had told me she was having my aunt come down and stay with her a few days.  She did not say that she was having my sister come down.  NM tells me all of her comings and goings, so to omit this information was intentional.  I got to find out on FB, when they started posting tons of gushy photos of the two of them gambling and drinking.    They kept saying how "beautiful" the other one was and how much FUN they were having, just the two of them.  I had no desire to be there (I took two "girls vacations" with them a decade ago.  Either my sister or I were crying the entire time.).  And I guess I probably should have appreciated not being put on the spot and asked to go.  But there seemed to be an insensitivity to their posting all their photos.  NM has repeatedly told me how "close" they are now (in the time that I've been NC with NSIS).  NSIS has been making such a big deal about what a "wonderful mom" NM is.  Although I don't think they were trying to send me a message by posting them, I can't help but think that they hoped I'd be jealous.  Or mad.  Or feel badly about it all.  That's just how they are (I know this, because I've seen NM do it to other people.)

I'm sure it's very phony (after the first drunken night and all of the posts, I saw nothing for the next few days until NM changed her profile photo to one of her and my sister.  The previous one for the past two months had also been of her and my sister.)  I've watched my mother "construct" posts before to make things look better than they are.  I wonder if their relationship is always as "happy" as they claim it to be (I'm not sure how it could be.  Before I went NC, they both complained about the other one often . I can't imagine that everything has changed in that time.  Although they certainly seem to want me to think so.  I wonder if they want me to believe it's BECAUSE I'm out of the picture.)

But it does hurt.  It irritates me and rubs me the wrong way.  But why?!?  Why do I care?  Why can't I let all of this go?  Why does it matter to me that they are continuing on with their charade (or maybe they all really believe they are "one big happy family....without Jessie".  I know partly it makes me doubt myself.  Like maybe if I tried just a bit harder, looked the other way when they pulled out their bullshit, let things go, I could handle it.  Or that maybe I'm just a fucking misfit and can't manage to fit in.  How can they all continue on like this?  Do they really think this is what "family" is?  Surface crap that doesn't actually extend to real love, compassion, or consideration?  The only one of my BILs (my husband's blood siblings) that acknowledges my kids on their birthdays is the one that has to (because his kids are invited to the party).   None of them acknowledge my DH on his birthday.  My sister has ignored my children since I put up the boundary that I would only speak with her on email and only after we addressed some of my concerns about our relationship.  She claims she LOVES them so much, yet does nothing of substance to prove it.  NM has never bothered to ask why I feel the way I do regarding my sister, has not asked if something is wrong with me (I mean, if your daughter pulled away from you, wouldn't you ASK if everything was OK).  NM actually doesn't ask about me at all.  When she does contact me, it's to bitch about my step siblings or talk about herself.  I know THAT is the reality of the situation, so why do these phony displays of love bother me so much?

I'm just so frustrated with myself.  I want to move on.  I want to not care.  I want to let them live their phony bullshit without me.  Why can't I?

Mixed Emotions

I've been having a hard time lately.   A weird, funky depression has hit me and I'm struggling to pull myself out of it.  Part of this has to do to with some recent developments surrounding my NMIL.  Please note this will be a rambling post.  Also note that I am not trying to be judgmental or critical of NMIL and her issues, but that I feel the details of what is going on speaks to the larger picture.  I have already been told once -by an ACoN- that  I am just "taking her inventory" in an attempt to control her.  Hearing that pushed me into a bad place after opening up about some very difficult feelings for me.

MIL is very ill.  She has always had stomach issues.  Several years ago, she had major surgery to deal with stomach issues.  She was told then to get her diet under control.  (She was also supposed to modify FIL's diet by cooking more healthfully).  A couple of months back, she was stricken with an infection in her abdomen.  (I'm going to leave out the details, out of respect.)  The infection is due, most likely to poor food choices and not modifying her diet.  She had surgery to remove it and spent over a week in the hospital.  Three days after being released from the hospital, she was at my son's birthday, indulging on cupcakes and snack foods.  Despite wincing in pain, she allowed my kids to climb all over her.  Two days later (five after being out of the hospital and major surgery and illness) she remained committed to taking a distant vacation with FIL.  I can not imagine that she ate well on this trip (she really has no self control.  This is not a judgement, just an observation.)  On the return trip, she picked up my niece and nephew to babysit.  She had not been out of the hospital for more than two weeks.  And sure enough, as could've probably been predicted because she was not taking care of herself, she wound up back in the hospital.  Infections again, reactions to medications, and tons of pain.  She came out of the hospital for mere days, and was back in the hospital again.  They can't figure out why she isn't healing.  It is looking quite serious.

MIL also has food issues.  I do not begrudge anyone their coping mechanisms and fully understand vices.  I have mine too.   But I do not ignore my issues and believe myself "healthy".  As with any alcoholic or drug addict or shop alcoholic, she seems to have a compulsion to eat in order to soothe emotions she does not want to feel.

As is probably obvious, MIL has emotional issues.  She only has two: glee and anger.  And maybe boredom.  She absolutely will not deal with any other emotions.  At all.  And so she consoles herself with food.  I've seen it over and over.  And while she is eating, she is completely oblivious to it.  She sort of "sneaks" it on herself (by slivering off teeny "extra" helpings.  She suddenly has eating two or three extra servings, but sees it only as "a little sliver").   Whenever she is in emotional discomfort she eats.  And then she complains (and reacts jealously to my thinness) about her weight.  She is forever on a "diet".  Not a healthy eating plan, but a diet.  To me, the connection seems obvious.  If you don't deal with your emotions, repress them constantly, and then "soothe" yourself with junk, it's bound to catch up with you.

Now, I have lots of sympathy for people who are struggling, who have emotional issues and addiction issues.  But when someone won't even ADMIT that they struggle or have issues and claim some sort of superiority over others....well, I have less compassion for that.

This woman has spent almost two decades scapegoating me and bullying me and pushing "her way of life" on me.  She has acted morally superior and put me down and blamed me.  She has refused, even for a second to thing that maybe SHE is the problem.  She refuses to take a look at herself and has continued to do whatever she wants, despite the consequences.  And she expects everyone else to be just like her.  She didn't allow her kids to develop any sort of emotional health.  She taught them to ignore any and all emotions too.  Several of them have rage and stomach issues too.  She has refused any attempts to change the dynamics of relationships.   And she expects everyone to go along with her unhealthy way of being and any suggestion to the contrary is met with anger or ignoring on her part.

I'm struggling to feel any compassion for her.  I feel AWFUL saying that.  But I'm struggling to feel badly for someone who will not help herself.  I am struggling to feel compassion for someone who has never felt it for me, and rarely feels it for others.    Any compassion for her makes me feel vulnerable and afraid.  I'm sorry she is sick.

But I'm also feeling relief that she is not bothering me at the moment.  Before she went into the hospital, she was "winding up" on my husband again and I could feel another N-wave coming at me.  I feel badly that my relief is coming from her pain and agony.

I'm angry that she hasn't taken better care of herself.  That she continued to proclaim that stuffing your emotions and not dealing with anything is the "right" way of dealing with things.  That putting "the family" above taking care of ourselves as individuals is the "moral high ground".  That never saying no (like to my FIL about the trip and my BIL about watching his kids) came above taking care of herself.  That this is the "rightous" thing she has always expected out of me (and my husband).  That martyr yourself is the right thing to do.  She can not say no.  Almost all of her relationships are "transactional" (this isn't my term).  Meaning, she does things for people and then she draw love back.   And if you say "no" to her, it means you don't love her.  I'm angry that this sort of unhealthy behavior contributed to her not being well now.  And all the while I've been condemned as a "bad" person, "unkind" for daring to ever put my physical (and God forbit, my emotional) well being as a priority.

I'm terrified of what this means.  DH and I FINALLY had started setting boundaries.  She was not happy about it, but I was finally feeling relief and some control over my own life.  I wasn't feeling helpless anymore.  We had separated and have distanced ourselves from his family.  I wonder how all of this will effect that progress.  I wonder how dynamics will change from here on out.  I am afraid that, if something should happen to her, DH will come to resent me.  That his family will resent me.  That I will (as always )be blamed for being "against" the family (this was the story up until now: if I didn't go along with whatever MIL decided, I was "against" the family).  I wonder if something should happen, how much FIL will attach himself to us.  Not that I don't like FIL, but he is extremely co-dependent on MIL.

I'm sad that I feel a tad bit of relief thinking about what might happen if this is it for her.....I don't even like saying that out loud.  I feel like an awful person.  Who feels positive feelings about something like that?

Especially in the face of the fact that so many people are so upset.  FIL is devastated and overwhelmed.  My husband is stressed.   His siblings are upset (although, oddly, two of them -one of them the golden child- have not gone to visit her at all.   And it's not because he can't go.  He lives close enough and has spent the weekends visiting other family members, so it seems odd to me.....)  Partially, it's annoying seeing so many people tell her how wonderful she is.  And maybe she is to them.  But she wasn't to me.  (There I go again, being a jerk.  Seriously, I have spent a lot of time beating myself up for these feelings.)  I struggled to see one of her son's describe her as the "strongest" person he knows.  For me, she has always seemed weak: frightened, angry, resentful, bitter, and repressed.  It's frustrating that a woman whom I've never seen had a vulnerable moment in her life be described as "strong".

It also makes me fearful about what happens in the future with my own family.  I feel so much healthier being away from my sister.  But what happens when something happens to our parents?  The thought of having to deal with her (and the odds of that happening are getting better and better) makes me upset and sad.

And some of this just makes me sad.  It didn't have to be like this.  Our family didn't have to be like this.  Her whole illness sort of seems symbolic to me of the whole "infection" in the family.  Constant repression, constant "soothing" with outside things, no emotions allowed and a sickness eating us from the inside out.

I appreciate any thoughts, but please be gentle with me.  It took a lot for me to own up to a lot of these feelings.  I've beaten myself up quite a bit in the last few weeks.  It has made me doubt so much of my choices and I'm struggling to stand in my truth.  I often wonder if I'm just a horrible, callous person.

The Last Supper

Many of the stories from this evening I've told before, but not in one post.  I was triggered by another blog on adult bullying into remembering this evening and I thought I'd like to get it all out for my records.  Please feel free to skip it.  (It will also be unedited and most likely misspelled, so please excuse me.)

This was three years ago, almost to the month. The details may seem like not that big of deal, but the whole experience really wore on me.  MIL and FIL had wanted to meet with us and BIL and SIL and our children for dinner.  At the time, my oldest child was not quite four and my youngest was an infant.  It was a very busy weekend in our town and when we arrived at the restaurant there was a long line.  MIL and FIL were at the bar.  The restaurant has a buzzer system (they buzz you when a table is read), so BIL, SIL, DH, and I took our children down to a local park to play.

Over an hour went by and we still had no table.  It was getting later (very near my children's bed time) and the kids were getting hungry, tired, and cranky.  I had not brought along extra snacks, as I usually do, and I was getting anxious and upset.  I felt we should have decided that it was getting too late and just call it a night.  Or, at a minimum, when the time ticked away, we maybe should have discussed another alternative (like getting food from the grocery store and having a picnic instead).  But everyone said it should just be "a few more minutes".

Finally we were paged and I was not looking forward to the meal.  MIL was in her usual giddy mood, sopping up the glory of being in the middle of her family.   As we walked to the table, she kept telling my young son that she had a gift for him but it was in the car (just out in the parking lot).  She had told him as we arrived at the restaurant that she had something for him and so he, being three, was quite anxious to get it.  I finally asked her why she just didn't go get it for him.  My son was following her around asking when he could have it and she kept telling him he'd have to wait.  I grew irritated.  When I asked her to get it, she replied "it's out in the car".  I said "well, you should go get it for him.  Right now, you're bribing him to get him to sit by you by withholding it."  She snickered - she gets this gleeful look on her face, "tee-hee-hee"ing and smirking.  "I know!"  she said.  "That's not really OK with me.  You can not bribe my children."  I told her.  Not that it did any good.  She just ignored me.

As we sat down, of course, my son wanted to sit next to her and FIL.  Usually, I try to keep me and my kids at arm's length from MIL.  She has some odd quirks at restaurants and it helps me to feel better if we are out of her reach.

MIL has some weird issues with food.  Clearly, food is a comfort source to her, but it's more than that.  Her entire FB feed is filled with recipe after recipe.  She's not an overly heavy woman, although definitely overweight, and she is constantly on a diet.  She is very jealous that I am not heavy.  She can not control herself around food.  She will select a small amount for her own plate, but then she will pick little pieces off the main plate.  I've seen her devour two extra pieces of pizza this way, cutting sliver after sliver off pieces left in the box until she has finished two more.  But she'll claim she only at one and wonder why she gains weight.  BIL also does this.  MIL also has no problem criticizing my SIL for what she eats and threatening she'll "get fat and BIL doesn't like that." (I about fell of my chair when SIL told me she said this to her.)  At a recent meal, MIL ordered a plate of nachos "for the table".  However, when it came, she placed it in front of herself. She doled out some to others (she never really offered anyone any) by using her own fingers, which she then would lick off.  She pretty much ate the whole plate herself.  And then she ordered a "small bowl of soup" for her actual meal.  It's amazing to watch how much she deludes herself.

She is also quite possessive over ALL of the food on the table.  She takes inventory over what everyone has and is constantly scoping out what people are eating.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I don't mind sharing bites or allowing people tastes of food.  I'm OK with family style dining.  (Although, with my ILs, they snarf food down so fast that I often don't get very much to eat.  If we eat pizza, I generally get one piece, as I'm a slow eater, before they devour what is left.)  When we first started dating, I would try and chat with the family at meals.  However, I quickly learned that after they inhaled their food, they would start eyeing my plate and helping themselves.  Again, I would go away hungry.

And MIL seems to get some sort of pleasure out of the specific act of eating someone else's food.  It's hard to explain, but it feels like a way of "marking her territory".  Like she gets some intimacy out of having my husband, especially, share his food with her.  It's not so much about the food, but about the person who's food it is.  She also is constantly trying to force him to eat her food off her plate.  Again, I stress, it's not about the sharing of the food for her, but about the invasion of his boundaries that she likes.  It's weird and frankly grosses me out (MIL has some emotional incest problems.  She often seems to see my husband as a companion, someone to admire her, rather than a mother-son relationship.  She also used to use DH and BIL as surrogate spouses to get the other siblings "in line" when she couldn't get FIL to help.  FIL tends to be a bit of a child himself and doesn't take a leadership role in the family.  He likes to be taken care of.)  Due to her lack of boundaries in this area, DH and I always try to sit away from MIL.  (He sees it too.)

I don't mind sharing or giving bites, but I don't like food being taken off my plate without asking.  I don't like when I haven't even had a chance to try my food before she's demanding some.  I don't like when they hog down their food and then demand some of mine before I've had my fill.  They act like I'm "odd" for feeling this way.

On this night, DH and I had agreed to order a small appetizer and a meal for my son immediately upon sitting down so that we could get the kids home for bed.   BIL ordered food for his kids, but he, SIL, MIL, and FIL all decided to languish over the menu and decide at some time later.

When the food arrives, MIL instantly starts bobbing and weaving and almost raising out of her chair to see what we are having.  Keep in mind, she has a very large meal on it's way and DH and I are splitting a small appetizer between the two of us.  She starts in on my husband "what do you have down there?!?"  DH tells her.  Then she asks for a taste of his beer (personally, and this is my issue, but I don't like sharing drinks with a bunch of people as the germ factor gets to me.)  She starts hassling my husband again, asking him how it tastes.  Clearly she wants some.  The woman can't wait for her own food (remember, she's a bit of a glutton) and she's trying to poach off our small meal.

At this point, the kids meals come.  They (MIL, because she always orders for my niece and nephew) had ordered pizza (a very large one) for my small niece.  My son ordered a burger which came with fries.  MIL instantly starts swiping his fries and dipping them in his ketchup (again, the germ factor.  This grosses me out.  I've also seen her use my son's napkin.  To me, this is a huge boundary violation.)  MIL starts hollering that my niece needs some fries too.  MIL think it's HER job to distribute food and determine who needs what.  Niece was not asking for fries, nor did she seem particularly concerned about it.  And yes, my son had more than he could eat, but DH and I had planned to share with him.  MIL also thinks it's her job to "re-distribute" family resources, determining who should pay for things, and how much.  She takes from some and gives to others as SHE sees fit and it really drives me crazy.

I'm becoming increasingly agitated by all of this.  DH grabs a plate, loads it with fries and passes it down to to my niece.  MIL is clearly annoyed by this and keeps grabbing fries and swiping them in my son's ketchup.  So, DH hands down the ketchup.

And this is were the lecture starts.  MIL starts in, while addressing my son, "It's GOOD to share.  WE SHARE IN THIS FAMILY."  She goes on and on for about five minutes as I precede to feel shamed and embarrassed.  Clearly the lecture is meant for me.  DH claims it's not, because she didn't address me directly, but I know it was.  We've had similar issues in the past and she bristles at me putting up boundaries.  It annoys her that DH limits her invading his meal space.  She is loudly proclaiming for the whole table the virtues of sharing.  But it's clear that it's being directed towards my end of the table.

And I am more than willing to share.  I am a very generous person.  But, as I thought later, this isn't sharing!!  Sharing involves on person making a choice about what they would like to give and to give.  And one has to feel ownership over something in order to share it.  If it is a communal resources that is NOT sharing.  And if some TAKES from you without asking, that is not sharing, that is TAKING.  If you have no choice in the matter, how can that be sharing?  I do not make my children share either.  If you force them to do it, than the lesson of it feeling good to share is missed.  They don't get the actual point.  I encourage it.  I talk about it.  But I do not force it.  I do not force my kids to give me or my husband food off their plate.  I always allow them to make the choice.   I felt violated by her making the choice for my son AND by going against my parental authority of how I want to teach my children.

By now, I'm FUMING.  I'm embarrassed, feeling shamed, and feeling very violated.  I'm also feeling very isolated.  I am often an "outsider" labeled as an odd duck with odd ways in the family.  It has been pointed out many times before, when I've upheld -what I believe to be- basic manners and conventions, that I'm uptight or rigid (things like asking before borrowing something, returning it in good shape, not putting food off your plate back into a family dish, not wandering around the table inspecting peoples meals when you are a grown up.  Seriously, DH's adult brother -granted he has some learning disabilities but is capable of understanding basic conventions - will walk around the table in restaurants examining what everyone has ordered.  They have no boundaries when it comes to food and I am the "odd duck" for expecting some.)  We finish up our food, throw down money for our share of the bill and attempt to leave.

At this point, MIL jumps up and declares NOW she's ready to give my son he gift.  I take my infant and go to our car, asking them to please hurry as we need to get the baby to bed.  They take my son and are gone for quit a bit.  When I see them finally coming, my FIL is meandering down to our car, pointing out other vehicles and naming the brand names of cars.  They clearly know we are in a hurry, but are dawdling.  When they get to the car, the stall some more and start conversations and open the car door to play with the baby.  I am FURIOUS but still sit there, saying nothing.  I know if I say anything that 1) I'll explode and 2) DH will be angry with me for "causing trouble" and "being difficult".

We finally leave and I am shaking with anger.  To be honest, I've rarely been that angry.  I felt violated, shamed, angry, hurt, and disrespected.  I can not even speak I'm so angry (and I rarely get like that.)  I have had enough of being a doormat to these people.  DH asks me what's wrong.  I tell him I'm angry.  He says "you hate my family!"  He becomes increasingly upset with ME.  Sure, MIL crossed some lines, he says, but was it that big of a deal?  Sure, they dawdled, but they were just trying to spend time with my son (by the way, they have NO respect for our time.  It is a huge issue with me that their time is important, while our's is not.)

We get home and put the kids to bed and I continue to be upset.  This was long before I understood shaming, or social collusion, or adult bullying.  This is before I learned about boundaries.  All I knew was that I was angry and my husband was blaming me for over reacting and ruining the meal.  For never being able to get along with my in-laws.  The discussion continues in which he points out that I "can't get along with anyone".  Anyone includes my NM and my NSIS and his family.  He disregards all of the people I DO get along with.  He is blaming me for all of the problems in the family and saying that I need to learn "how to deal with it".  But I don't know how to deal with it.  How to make my feelings of being violated go away.  How to not feel completely helpless in the situation.

I ended up that night in my closet with my father's pistol, ready to commit suicide.  I could not figure out any other way out.  I seemed to be the root of everyone's problems and I felt if I just "got out of the way" they could all go on and be happy.  DH talked me out of it and put me to bed, as I shook and cried.  He thought I was being dramatic and threatening suicide for effect.  I knew that I was seriously at the end of my rope.

I sunk into a deep depression and then shortly after stumbled upon narcissism.  It all finally made sense and the cloud started to lift.  I quit feeling I was the root of all problems.  It has been a LONG road.  DH still doesn't always understand it, although he's MUCH better.  But I no longer feel helpless.  I no longer feel I am to blame.  I no longer feel suicide is my only option.