Blogger, Kara (of The North Wind), and I had been discussing how once we "discovered" narcissism, narcs started coming out of the woodwork. For the newbies here, I have a NMom, NSis, NMIL, and (I believe also) a Nstep-mom (more on her soon). I also believe that several of my husbands siblings and my dad display narcissistic traits. And I know my grandmother was a narcissist. I thought it was so crazy. That I was crazy. Seeing narcissists like monsters under my bed.
As I've recently wrote, I've been having some bad days lately, and bad days for me lead to no sleep. So, I've been up watching TV. Mainly sitcoms. I've always had this soft spot for sitcoms since I was a little girl. I always had visions of being a part of the families on the shows: The Cosby Show, Family Ties, even the frickin' Golden Girls. I guess even as a little girl, I always knew something was missing and I wanted to be part of a more supportive, loving family. Not that I wanted the perfect little, wrapped in a bow family that TV created, but I wanted to feel loved and supported and like I belonged like I felt those characters must have felt.
Anyway, back to my point. I was shocked at how many Ns I suddenly found. How many Ns were broadcast into my life and almost treated as normal. How many Ns were just the kooky, self-absorbed friend, who everyone loved anyway. Or the MIL, who everyone tolerated. You know the show. Self-absorbed, meddling MIL (everyone has one right?), Golden Child Son married to the DIL that MIL loves to hate. Scapegoat son. Moronic, enabling Father who hates her but tolerates her because she cooks a mean lasagna. This show always made me laugh. I used to point to it to husband to make points about his mom, long before I really believed I had any valid points. But I watched it with new eyes the other day. Why the hell did they put up with her? Why is she in someway cast in a positive light? Does using her in this way somehow normalize what she does. The lady is mean if you really dissect it. She's horrible to the SG son and the DIL. She degrades, minimizes, and devalues them. She makes everything about herself. And we, as the audience, find it amusing. Their pain is minimized and used as a punchline. And I wondered if this use of narcissistic in this way somehow normalizes it, minimizes it, makes it OK, because really, lots of us know people like this. If we didn't, this show wouldn't have found an audience like it did.
So, anyway, that got me thinking. And I googled other characters in media that are narcissists. The obvious came up: the Godfather, Tony Soprano, the nasty boss lady that is the head of the company, the mean girl. All the people I would've easily identified as narcissistic before I really learned what it was. But something else kept coming up. The "Narcissism Epidemic". How social media is turning us all into little "narcissists" reporting on our "statuses" and counting our "friends" to see how important we are (which I find amusing because I'm very rigid about my "friends". I actually find it better to have fewer, closer friends than to tally up near strangers and share my personal details about my life). How certain "social media sites" are narcissistic playgrounds. It was all very interesting. How the rise of reality stars and 15 minutes of fame has turned a generation into fame whores who think being famous is better than being a good person.
I also came across information about how parents today have spent so much time telling their children how "special" and "unique" they are, praising their every little accomplishment has created children who are have heads the sizes of watermelons. I know why we did it. Society spent so much time ostrasizing and, in some cases killing off, any one who was different or "special" that we were horrified and tried to make it all OK. So, by going in the exact opposite direction are we then creating a bunch of little narcissists who don't worry about the similarities between himself and the person next to him, and only strive to be different (read: better)? And this line of thinking brought me back to my earlier post about my kids. I think that was my real point with my bad day. Where is the line between keeping your kid from making your kid feel SO important, he looses site of all those around him and giving him self confidence and a healthy identity in himself?
I don't really know where I'm going with this post. I don't really have a point, or an opinion. I guess I just wanted to start a dialogue. Has narcissism become more "mainstream" and acceptable? Is "getting yours" really where we are headed? Is it considered OK in society to trample over others to stand out, be important, or feel valued? Is it OK to use other people's private lives to advance your own (posting pictures of others, making fun of others, laughing at and staring at the crazy reality stars)? I guess as I started to see narcissism everywhere, it scared the crap out of me.
Hahaha, this is a really cool post. TV is just bizarre. Sometimes I feel like TV is like TV TV like Sick Sad World on Daria or Itchy and Scratchy on the Simpsons.
ReplyDeleteI remember Peggy used to be my favorite character on King of the Hill. She was the funniest. She's the mom. Only if she was a real person, I would hate her and she'd be a narcissist.
I don't think the characters on TV are narcissists..and I think the type of narcissism the news is talking about is complete crap. Facebook and MySpace doesn't turn people into narcissists! That kind of narcissism is just vanity or whatever, it isn't real narcissism. The thing that makes me mad about those kind of shows sometimes is that it takes away from people who have REAL NPD narcissists in their lives. Psychopaths. So people point to the hateable lovable characters on TV and think that's what we're talking about and that it's okay. That's not it. I think that's what hurts, that people thing it's just some normal thing. Real psychopaths are not normal in any form, but in a funny way, just like TV characters, they don't change.
And about the narcissism epidemic, it's just a way to make people, normal people, feel bad about themselves. We're not narcissistic and all those people who use Facebook are not narcissistic and using Facebook doesn't make you narcissistic, like playing video games and listening to Marilyn Manson doesn't make you shoot up your school. Real narcissists are only about 10 or 20% of the population. The rest are normal.
It is impossible for you to turn your kids into narcissists. If they're not narcissists already and you are not a narcissist, there is absolutely no way. And I'm guessing they're not narcissists...considering they were born good. And you are not a narcissist.
Thanks for your reply and glad you liked the post. I just found that there were so many people on TV that had a lot of narcissistic characteristics and that, like you said, it helps minimize what it is to live with these real life NPD people. The TV finds away to somehow make these people lovable. And in fact, I was watching a show last night with a character who was horrible narcissistic. I love him on the show. He's broken, and vulnerable and funny. But if I knew him in real life, he'd be a huge ass. Always putting people down, talking about himself, using women. But the characters in the show just see him as "one of the gang" and accept his crap.
DeleteAnd I agree social media doesn't turn people into narcissists. But I do think that it gives people who are already that way, a medium to promote themselves. I'm sure you've seen many. The ones with the posed photos of themselves uploaded every 15 minutes. There head is framed in the middle, while the "supporting players" have the bottom third of their face cut off in the corner. But it was a good picture of them, so they put it on there.
Anyway, I do think that, in a way society has become more tolerant of this kind of narcissistic self promotion and "out for myself" mentality. And because of this tolerance, it makes it so difficult for us ACONS to convince people of what we've been through. So many people dismiss it as "normal".
FANTASTIC POST! One of the differences with some of the "alleged" narcissists in the media is that to be made likeable the writers add redeeming features to them, whereas real life narcs don't seem to have any, or not enough to compensate for the grief that they cause.
ReplyDeleteI think most of the people that the media likes to focus on as part of the narcissist epidemic are your garden variety narcissists and self-absorbed and not narcissist personality disorder. If that many NPDs even remotely like my mother existed in the world, things would be way worse than they are. Not that I think everything is fine and hunky dory. I just think that society would crumble in short order. We're talking about evil people who make a hobby of destroying other people, including and especially their children.
ReplyDeleteTrue. And I wonder if that's what I have for a mother, just a "garden variety narcissist". She's not the horrible evil person who's hell bent on destroying me. She's just self-absorbed, childish, angry, and grudge-holding. She seems a lot less scary since I've "exposed" her in my mind for what she was. But, I do think she's still toxic. And I think that even "garden variety narcissists" can be like a toxic cancer that slowly eats you away if you don't contain it.
Delete"Everybody Loves Raymond"? After finally being released from the FOG, I watched that show with new eyes. It's still funny, but not in nearly the same way I saw it before.
ReplyDeleteBTW, have you read The Narcissism Epidemic? It wasn't anything earth-shattering (like Why Is It Always About You? or Understanding the Borderline Mother, but it was interesting none-the-less and I think it points to the larger context of narcissism now being so ingrained in society that it's almost the new norm. Which terrifies me, seeing as how this moves our Ns' behaviors that much closer to normal and being "acceptable."
I haven't read that. I'll need to add it to my list. I also feel that narcissism has become the new norm. Being famous and celebrity "specialness" is the goal of too many people. And it seems like more and more people are only out for themselves.
DeleteYes, "Everybody Loves Raymond" is what I was referring too. I think when I first watched it, I felt connected to it somehow because I thought "oh, other people are like me too". But it did normalize things. Made me feel like if they wrote a show about it, then LOTS of people were living like that, that it was typical. But now, I see how destructive the in-laws behavior was. How many repercussions there were. Laughing at the poor brother was funny, but in reality, how sad must his life had been. How stressful must the Debra's life be?
I find that TV has SO many narcisstic characters. Of course there's a pre-recorded laugh track to make them seem funny and lovable.
ReplyDeleteOnly in real life there's no laugh track.
And yes, I do see Facebook as being extremely narcisstic. How many other people really care what you're into or how many "friends" you have?