Releasing the past in order to find myself

Monday, October 15, 2012

My Weekend in the Narc Hood Part 1

I've been rolling the events of my weekend around in my head.  I really wasn't going to post about it.  Because really I didn't know what to say.  And some of the details were other people's private details.  I've been (probably poorly) trying to limit (edit?) some of the details of my life to protect my anonimity.  And I didn't know how I could discuss all that's happened without compromising myself a bit.  But then I decided I really didn't care anymore.  I'm not saying anything that I wouldn't discuss directly with the people involved.  And it all just started to get so crazy, that I needed to write it all down; for myself, and for some outside perspective.

Before I start, I'll apologize that this post might be a bit tangential.  There is a lot of background and side stories that figure into the events (isn't there always with narcs?).  Also, I've been dealing with crap from both my husband's family and my family.   Although its all been going on concurrently,  I decided to separate the two situations into two separate posts.  So, here goes part 1:

I think my sister is going crazy.  For a little recap:  sister claimed several months back that she had cancer.  Cancer of the lady parts.  Which lady parts is still up for debate.  Sister is in her early 30s.  Sister was diagnosed in early 2012 (and all of this is speculative, because nothing has been directly told to me by my sister.  And even if she had told me directly, it's all suspect at this point.)  In August, sister announced, very late at night and on FB that she has cancer.  She hadn't told my dad and hadn't told me.  I reached out on several occasions to get her to talk, but got vague answers, if at all.  As I've been told, sister got radiation and hormone treatment (all as outpatient) once a week for a  month.  She was very vague with everyone.  She avoided all phone calls from my father and mother, or took them sparingly, claiming she was fatigued or too upset to talk.  She never returned my attempts to contact her.  During this time, she also ignored my son's birthday (nothing new, she's missed the last several) and ignored my son's surgery.   She took money from my dad, managed to go out and cash the check, but never managed to call and thank him or even say she got it.   She called my dad once and screamed at him for being a bad father and ruining her life (because of situations revolving around my parents' divorce almost 20 years ago).  She was so hysterical that my dad finally had to hang up and call the cops.  She also stated to him that her boyfriend is beating her (she has been in many relationships where domestic violence is involved.)  She cried that she didn't know what to do, and was unwilling to listen to him offer solutions.   During this time, my father offered to come visit and help or stay with her, but she told him it was unnecessary.  She called my father in the middle of the night, twice, the night before her retest for cancer with a "panic attack" (I have no way to validate it as a panic attack, but these were my sister's words).  My father talked to her for over an hour at 3:30 a.m.   My sister never called to let him know the results of said retest.

My mother (NM) has also had limited contact with my sister, but has been her unwavering supporter.  Although my sister has offered limited information, and often brushed her off, (and I'm sure also accepted money from her), my mother has repeatedly lobbied for sister's "support" during her time of crisis.  NM has admonished me for not supporting sister enough (during my son's birthday, and if you'll remember, they tried to have a little "reunion" during this time to show my sister support...during my son's birthday).  NM has offered up lots of excuses for sister.  She has vilified sister's boyfriend as an abuser.  She has found lots of ways to excuse sister from any and all responsibility for herself.    NM has also managed to sneak in a few jabs at my father (a man she cheated on and left) for not being their enough for sister AND for NM!  NM has called my father several times to discuss sister, for no other reason that I can see, than to create drama.  

NM sent me an email over the weekend detailing how sister and her abusive boyfriend had a nice weekend together.  My broke sister, who took off lots of time for treatment, took off several days to celebrate her boyfriend's birthday (included, I'm sure, was a nice material gift.  Many, many times, I've listened to my sister cry that she's too broke to buy Christmas gifts for her family-not that I expect one-and then cry that she can't decide which expensive gift to buy her boyfriend.).  Sister and boyfriend also went out and bought new items for their apartment (relatively pricey ones).  Guess daddy's check helped out right in time.

So, last night I get an email from my dad telling me that my beloved Grandmother had a heart attack and was life flighted to a larger hospital for treatment.  (Yes, the email was a horrible choice, one I would have been upset about, had he not called me today to follow up. )  A little more background, Grandmother does not like my mother and hasn't since the divorce.  She's never been calloused or judgmental  but my mother pulled some really crappy shit around that time (some of which was directly against my grandmother) and my grandmother has chosen to not want anything to do with NM (and fairly so).   Around 8 years ago, my sister went to visit my grandmother.  For some reason, my sister didn't feel like my mother was welcoming and kind enough to her.  So after the visit, my sister wrote a long (and not kind) email to my grandmother.  This caused another rift.  My sister, as recently as six months ago, said she really never cared to talk to my grandmother, and blamed my grandmother for the fight.

This morning, very, very early in the morning (read: long before most people are up) my sister started text messaging me and calling me in a tizzy over my grandmother.    I hadn't slept most of last night and I was not happy to get this early wake up call (also, my sister works odd hours so she's often up in the very early morning.  She thinks nothing of calling people at 2 or 3 a.m.   Often she is drunk and hysterical.  Often she's in a fight with someone.  She takes it personally when you are not there to "support her".  I've confronted her, and until today, she's stopped calling me like that.  My mother turns off her phone at night.  Dad has been getting the majority of the calls lately).  When I finally got up, I wondered what in the hell my sister possibly could need to discuss with me about my grandma.   It was almost like she was rushing to tell me the "gossip".   She obviously had no impulse control.

My mother also sent text messages.  In one, she asked if I was "doing OK".  Ever since I told her I wanted their drama out of my life, she treats me as if I'm just too fragile and "not strong" enough to deal with stress.  Stress is one thing, stupid drama is another.  In the next texts, she details that all the information she's managed to drum up from one of my relatives that she has contact with.   It really, really pissed me off that she felt I was not adult enough to get the information myself.  That she had to rush and get the "scoop" and get involved.  And that it was all for the sake of being in the middle of everything.  She also tells me that my dad "wasn't very forthcoming" with information for my sister.   And that my sister wants to call my grandma.  WTF?  I want to call and yell for her to keep sister away from my grandmother.  I mean, my sister is unstable, not particularily nice, and the last thing she needs is a call from my long, lost sister.  But I decide it's not my place to tell my sister (through my mother, none-the-less) what to do.  I'm really, really annoyed with both of them.  But I decide to ignore them.

My father calls this afternoon to update me and let me know what's going on (he had another family member's funeral to go to this morning).  He tells me that my sister called him last night screaming and verbally abusing him again for ruining her life.  Now, while I do agree that the period of time my sister is referring to did change our lives forever, and that she needs to process it to move on, I'm not sure how screaming at my dad will change that.  And while my dad can be a self-absorbed, selfish, one-sided person, he has ALWAYS owned up to his part in the divorce and the aftermath.  He has always apologized (a real apology) and claimed his part.  He may not totally get how bad it was, but he's always held himself accountable.  And after 20 years, and a lot of bad choices on my sister's part, she needs to take some responsibility for treating herself.  (And I've got to wonder in all of this, what the hell happened with her cancer?  It's all but been forgotten as far as I know).   My sister yells at my father for not paying child support and rationalizes that this is why he owes her money.  It's all his fault she screams.

And here's the kicker.  My dad tries three times (THREE TIMES) to tell my sister that my grandmother has had a heart attack and is in intensive care.  He told me that every time she just continues to rail against him.  Until he finally has to hang up.  And turn off the phone.  And it's not until this morning that she becomes SO upset about my grandmother that she makes early morning phone calls to me.

I've kind of had it at this point.  This is all so ridiculous in my mind.  All I can think is WTF?  What the hell is going through her little head? I've been wrestling for awhile with all the secrets about my sister that my mom and sister have had me keep from my dad.  How they collaberate in getting him to give my sister money.  How my mom boosts my sister up into believing he owes her something.  How my sister has flown off to visit her very abusive ex-boyfriend not to long ago (once in the city where my father lives.  Sister didn't bother to go visit my dad at this time).   How my sister lies and manipulates to get what she wants.  I struggle with how much this information is none of my business, and not my crap to tell, and I might be a gossip for telling my dad, how I really need to stay out of it and how much she is lying and manipulating my dad to get what she wants.  It's hard to know all these "secrets" of hers.  And to know my dad makes decisions on how to help her that aren't based in knowing the whole truth.   I have struggled with what the right thing to do was.  But today I told him some things.  Today I told him I thought my sister was lying about her cancer.  Maybe not totally, but that things don't add up.  I told him that she is seriously mentally ill and that he needs to quit enabling her.  I told him that she lies and manipulates him.  I stopped short of some of the things I think would've really hurt him.  I'm so conflicted.  I feel like she's been abusing him.  But I also think he's a big boy and needs to make his own decisions on things.

And I can't help but think that in the end, my grandmother's in the hospital and it's all about them again.  Even if it's somewhat unintentional, they've greased the wheels so much that it circles back around to them.  I think my sister is going crazy (well is getting crazier).  I think my mother is feeding her crazy side.  I'm very afraid for what's ahead.  Things just don't feel good right now.

16 comments:

  1. Hi Jessie,

    I'm sorry things have been so awful for you lately.

    By any chance, do you think your sister could have borderline personality disorder? Borderlines are less healthy/more unstable than narcs, but when they are feeling more stable tend toward narcissism (that being higher up on the continuum.) That could explain a lot of this bizarre behavior, and both borderlines and narcs manufacture chaos and drama. Not that it helps much,of course, but if so it could give you are basic outline of what you're dealing with.

    Sorry to hear about your grandmother. Hopefully your sister will calm down and you won't have to be dragged in any further with all her fuss.

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    1. Thanks Elena. Actually, I've long suspected bipolar. Researching bipolar is what led me to narcissism. I believe that she is really both. Her narcissism has really gotten to the extreme lately and she is completely unable to see anything from another's point of view. And her mood swings are becoming extreme.
      Thanks for the support. It has almost seemed ridiculous, the amount of chaos that has been going on lately. And all of it is compounded by the drama stirrers.

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  2. Hi Jessie, I'm really sorry to hear about your grandmother. I think your instincts are right in this, that you just focus on you and what you're going to do, re: grandmother and let the others do it their way, as tough as that might be. It's such an unecessarily messy situation. About your mother getting in the middle: Suddenly she can be pretend that she is a concerned mother to you...maybe b/c by being that it makes you look/feel like an invalid.

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    1. Yes, my mother loves to imply that I'm a helpless, anxiety ridden sap who can not deal with anything, unlike her "strong" self. She loves to play big strong mom coming to the rescue. Plus, she just loves to be a part of the drama. She always really liked my grandparents (her parents were horrible parents) and she was horribly upset that she was no longer welcome in my dad's family. She loves to be "in the know".

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  3. You're right: There's a lot not good going on there. Take care of you.

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  4. I think you did the right thing in telling your dad your truths, in revealing all of those terrible secrets, because you should never have had to kept them in the first place. You're everyone's favorite "Secret keeper" and it's time to stop. I don't think it's fair at all for you to have to walk around with that kind of awful burden of keeping those unhealthy secrets and lies to yourself. They aren't your secrets to be keeping. I totally understand the dilemma of not wanting to get involved or have it seem like you're "taking care of your father" but truth be told, I don't think that's what you were doing. I think you were releasing the information that NM and NSIS have been forcing you to keep secret for so long.

    Having said that, I think the best thing you can do for your grandmother, even while all of this (absolute) shit and nonsense is going on, is to support her in any way you can, whether that's visiting her, calling her on the phone, writing her a letter, whatever it is that would be meaningful and special to the both of you. You certainly don't have to bring all that crap and nonsense to her if you do get the chance to spend some time with her or see her. Your NSIS is going to do whatever she's going to do and that totally sucks (I'm saying that because I also understand that desire to pipe up and say, "NSIS, leave grandma alone, damn it!") But really, if you said something like that, she'd probably just go out and do it just to spite you.

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    1. Thanks for the support. I do think that letting go of their secrets was the best thing. I almost felt by ignoring it all, I was almost being complacent to it all. I REALLY hated to get in the middle of it, as I'm trying so hard to untangle myself from all of this bullshit (hey, do you have that stamp handy?). But I couldn't continue to allow them to manipulate him, steal from him, and take advantage of him.
      And yes, as much as I'd like to tell NSis to back the hell off, doing so would do no good. Grandma and I don't really talk about NSis or NM, so I've at least got that going for me. It just makes me so sad to see them feasting on the drama like a pack of vultures.

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  5. I wanted to publish that before I was done, my computer was doing funny things.

    To continue, I'm sorry that your grandmother's health has taken a turn for the worse and I hope she's able to pull through. My thoughts are with you and grandma today.

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    1. And thanks for your kind thoughts. Grandma is doing much better. I am amazed. Her arteries were severally clogged (she's a smoker) and she is up there in years. But she's a tough old lady and I think she surprised herself in how much she wanted to fight to live. I've heard she's back to her old self ;).

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  6. Thanks to all who expressed concern for my Grandma. I spoke to her today. She appears to be doing well and told me, often, she is doing well. Ready to go home. She told me to "not worry" ;). She has one more procedure scheduled for tomorrow and then gets to go home.
    In the midst of her own bull, she had the kindness to ask about my sister, my son, and my grandfather on the other side of my family (she knows him.) (And don't worry, I told her the bare minimum about my sister).

    NM and NSis have been notably absent since yesterday morning. I have not heard from either of them. So much for NM's concern about me (and grandma). NSis has not called my grandmother (I suspected that she wouldn't). I guess yesterday's drama is old drama.

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    1. " I guess yesterday's drama is old drama." Only if it can't still serve a purpose. I find that they resurrect old drama at such odd moments.

      I'm so glad to hear that your grandma is doing better. I know you've had a lot of deaths and illnesses this year, just one of top of the other, so I really had my thoughts with you today.

      Off to read installment two.

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    2. Thanks Jonsi. Yes, yesterday's "drama" is old for them as it serves no purpose. How very, very sad.

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  7. Hey Jessie,

    Lots of triangulation in your FOO! That can be maddening and you've shown incredible analytical ability just presenting the facts here.

    Sounds like your mom enables your sister and your dad does in his own way because he feels guilty for the past. Your sister sounds pretty tough to deal with (reminds me of my brother). You DO already get the basics about this: that boundaries are needed, that people should communicate one-to-one and not about each other and on each other's behalf, and that there is something pretty fucked up about stirring drama at a time like this.

    I hope you have a chance to support your grandma and to take time to really feel your feelings and NOT feel pressured to do any one thing. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that FOO pressure is a conditioned path that flips me into "little upsi" mode where I feel really fearful that I won't please everyone and then end up betraying myself.

    You have a good head on your shoulders and you clearly care about everyone involved. It shows so clearly in your careful presentation.

    Okay now I'm going to read part 2!
    upsi

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    1. Thanks Upsi. I'm still a work in progress, but I do see I've come along way. I've often been the peace keeper, or middle man, and i'm just too tired to deal with that all.

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  8. As you said a work in progress. I noticed that standing back and letting them whirl around without you doesn't lessen or change their frenzy but lets you out of their mess. When I finally stepped back and stopped jumping at nm's every whimper I discovered I had time to do what I needed done and I feel much less stressed. Sounds like you are seeing the triangulation and extricating yourself. It takes a while but gets easier over time. In my opinion, smart move about say nothing to nsis about staying away from your grandmother. That would have been a conversation twisted beyond recognition, quite likely painting you as the cruel person throwing nsis out of the family. Glad to read that your grandmother is doing better. Focus on her and the rest blurs away. You clearly outlined the challenges, good for you.

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    1. Thanks Ruth. Baby steps, right?

      You are right about staying out of NSis and grandma's business. I will say, though, NSis has not spoken to my grandmother in almost 10 years. It's so ironic that I would be cast as the one separating her from the family, when NSis cast herself out of a relationship with my grandma. I suppose that's how it always goes with narcs, huh?

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