Lately, things have been better. Not that the narcs are better. Not that they are leaving me alone. NSIS, alone has been ramping things up lately. Circumstances have not changed.
But I have changed. Recently, I've felt like there has been a seismic shift. Like that moment when Dorothy is going home after being in OZ. And the good witch tells her she had "the power all alone." And she suddenly realizes how easy it is. Easy to be herself, not haunted by the wicked witch any more. Suddenly, she's just sort of free. The narcs have lost a lot of their ability to really, truly get to me.
That doesn't mean they haven't tried. It doesn't mean that they haven't upset me, angered me, and annoyed me. It doesn't mean that our relationship is going to be any better. At least, not if you judge it by their standards. But I just am not responding any more. I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not afraid to stand up for myself and speak up.
And I feel good, calm, and happy. A lot of the time. And man, oh, man is it a hard feeling for me to deal with. Here I've been working on the depression, the anxiety, the anger. Who knew that happiness might be JUST as hard to deal with.
I'll be sitting there, feeling good, SMILING. All of a sudden, I'll become aware of myself and I'll notice how light and easy I'm feeling. How much I'm enjoying the moment. How content and just plain HAPPY I am.
And it'll freak me out. I can feel, myself, instantly reign myself in. I can feel myself numbing myself. It's so crazy. I have never noticed this reigning in before. The pulling back from happy. Happy feels out of control, happy feels almost dangerous sometimes. It feels odd. Uncomfortable, even.
It isn't surprising to me. Happiness was not welcome in my family growing up. We didn't laugh a lot. We didn't tell each other we loved each other. In general, I tried to draw as little attention to myself as possible. I'm sure many other ACoNs know that drill. Don't be happy, don't be sad, don't BE anything. And neither of my parents was particularly happy. Ever. And being happy generally caught negative attention. So, I just didn't do it.
The second part to that equation is that no one was allowed to be any happier than anyone else. So, if NM was upset, we couldn't be happy. If dad was pissed off, which was often, none of us could be happy. We were all required to "level" down to the person feeling the worse off. How could you be happy, if your mom/sister/dad was not happy? That seemed to be the message.
And as I got older, it was clear I could never be happier than my sister. Especially in the last few years, my NM always minimized my happiness by dragging me down to my sister's emotional level (which was never happy or "good"). I'm not quite sure how she went about it, but I always got the feeling I wasn't suppose to enjoy my wedding, my marriage, my new home, my children too much because, well, think of my poor sister. She didn't have any of that. It's how NM justified NSIS's shitty behavior of me and ignoring me and plain not treating me very well. Well, Jessie, your sister just can't be there for the birth of your kids like she promised/not screw people and cause drama at your wedding/return a phone call or text or let you know she has "cancer" because her life isn't as good as yours. She's not as fortunate as you. She's not as lucky. You shouldn't be so "proud" and "showy" about your "good fortune" because how will that make your sister feel? She once got upset with me because my grandfather sent me a card for my birthday (this also happened when I got baby notices and other family communications a couple of times). "Did he send your sister one?" She bombarded me. "How is that supposed to make NSIS feel?" WTF? Who gives a shit how that makes NSIS feel? NSIS didn't get a card because she makes NO attempts to be there or contact family. But NM feels NSIS is entitled to the same treatment as I am (despite the fact that I actually DO work to maintain contact with people). I can't ever just enjoy anything because it might make NSIS feel badly (and most likely NM too).
And so I restrained myself. I held back. I wouldn't let myself fully enjoy moments because I felt I didn't deserve them. That I had somehow lucked into them. I wouldn't let myself enjoy things because I feared them being taken away from me. I wouldn't let myself be happy because I feared "punishment" for it.
It makes me angry now. Angry that I wasn't in moments. Angry that I still struggle to just be, just feel. That even happiness can make me feel afraid.
I suppose all I can do is keep working at it.
Different reason, same reaction - I was depressed for so long that once I started to feel better I would catch myself and shut it down. I've caught myself out and about with EP France (my bf) and realized 'I'M OUT OF THE HOUSE I'M IN PUBLIC I'M NOT IN MY PAJAMAS WHAT KIND OF ALCHEMY IS THIS' and well - it's been a tough year as far as that goes, lol. I've gotten better about recognizing 'happy' and not thinking it's the flu.
ReplyDeleteIt'll come. They broke your brain. You're retraining it. Well done, Jesse.
I think there is a good dose of that in there too. I just don't know WHAT TO DO with happy after being depressed, angry, and anxious for so long. I knew what those were, but happiness is not an easy feeling to me. It almost feels unnatural, you know?
DeleteThanks, Gladys, it has been getting easier and easier. It's just so odd...like suddenly sprouting wings or something ;).
Oh, wow, can I relate to the "can't be happy". Also the "can't do better than NSis"--just like you, I could never have anything that she didn't have, experience fortune if NSis didn't have it better. "What's fair is fair" NM used to say...though "fair" only went one way. If something good came my way (say, I studied hard for a test and did well, or I was asked to babysit for the neighbors at the beach, or whatever small pleasure there was), i was accused, "You think you're better than the rest of us, don't you? You're not special!"
ReplyDelete"I could never have anything she didn't have" and ""fair" only went one way"
ReplyDeleteThese are two statements I could've said myself. I particularily like the "fair" one. That's exactly how it feels. That fairness only rolled one way. And it was away from me. And the thing is, I think it's good for parents to be fair, treat their children fairly. But NM always seemed to feel it was her job to even LIFE out for her daughters (regardless of what we put into it to better our outcomes).
Thanks for stopping by Anon.
Hi Jessie,
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to feel joy and happiness and it does feel unnatural because we were not allowed to feel it because everyone else in the enmeshed family wasn't. The overcompensating of feelings from one sibling to the other is not exercising fairness it letting someone feel entitled and the other unworthy. This happened often with DH and his brother.
Whenever I feel happy or am enjoying something shame creeps in. When I was listing out my shame triggers I found that I have shame about what I have done in my life that I still don't share the positive things with people - partly as you say fear of being punished for it or also shamed for having done something I'm proud of. I notice that I'm more willing to share my faults, mistakes, struggles than accomplishments.
I read that when we begin to feel the positive emotions in life that it is uncomfortable and we have to ease into those emotions. Each time let it come through little by little. It sounds like you are easing into to, well done on the progress.
Have a Happy New Year!
xxTR
Thanks TR. I knew that this was a common feeling for lots of us, but it's so sad.
DeleteI'm also going through this phase. I feel the "reigning in" too. It's a weird sensation. I relate so much to "Don't be happy, don't be sad, don't BE anything." that's pretty much how it was in my family too. The only difference being that my mother would never be outwardly upset, she was generally in a grey mood and my father was simply disconnected. The only time he'd expressed emotion (anger) would be to tell us off, but even then I don't think his emotion was real, it was more like something he "put on" to scare us into submission. Like those birds that make themselves look big to scare off their opponents.
ReplyDeleteIt's so weird how our mothers wanted us to feel sorry for our siblings. I also felt this weight of not being allowed to feel happy with what I have accomplished because they haven't had such "good fortune". Except that "fortune" hasn't had much to do with it, it's all been down to the different choices we have all made. My siblings (same as your sis) could have made different choices, but they choose not to. And even if we made allowances for when they were younger and didn't know any better, that runs a bit old now my siblings are in their 40s and continue to follow the same course. So why should we feel sorry for people who choose to make their lives a mess?
I think it's going to take a while for the feeling that being happy it's ok to sink in, but hey, we're getting there :)
Hi Kara, thanks for your comment.
DeleteMy father was always bordering between irritable and out right anger. He was such a looming presence in our house, that I didn't even often notice how anyone else felt. His emotions just seemed to overwhelm anything else going on.
But looking back, I think my mom was always in that "gray" mood too. I don't remember her smiling or laughing much. Just blah. She didn't really get angry (she's saved that for "old" age) but she seemed sad a lot. Towards the end of our family being together she started crying a lot. Then, she got "joyful" when she met her new husband, but that wore of soon too.
And, no, often good fortune had nothing to do with what happened it my life. And lots of bad things in sis's life have been due to HER CHOICES (and the after effects of NM's choices). But not of my hard work or efforts are ever acknowledged. And it does get hard to see sis in her 30s and still in the same, damn place.
I think the happiness thing will come too. Baby steps ;)
"Happy feels out of control, happy feels almost dangerous sometimes. It feels odd. Uncomfortable, even."
ReplyDeleteDefinitely can identify with that statement. Growing up so many of us were required to mirror our Nparent and had to line up our emotions with theirs. We were tools to be used, not individuals with our own feelings. And if we unconsiously showed our happiness, it was squashed, sabotaged, and ridiculed. A narc is all about controlling everything....can't let people be happy without permission from the puppetmaster. And they usually demand your happiness in public, especially after they have just 'ripped you a new one' in private.
So, yeah, happiness has been a minefield in the past and true happiness is a little disconcerting when you are not used to it. But I am so glad to hear you are feeling strong and that strength makes you happy. Keep up the good work!