The Last Supper

Many of the stories from this evening I've told before, but not in one post.  I was triggered by another blog on adult bullying into remembering this evening and I thought I'd like to get it all out for my records.  Please feel free to skip it.  (It will also be unedited and most likely misspelled, so please excuse me.)

This was three years ago, almost to the month. The details may seem like not that big of deal, but the whole experience really wore on me.  MIL and FIL had wanted to meet with us and BIL and SIL and our children for dinner.  At the time, my oldest child was not quite four and my youngest was an infant.  It was a very busy weekend in our town and when we arrived at the restaurant there was a long line.  MIL and FIL were at the bar.  The restaurant has a buzzer system (they buzz you when a table is read), so BIL, SIL, DH, and I took our children down to a local park to play.

Over an hour went by and we still had no table.  It was getting later (very near my children's bed time) and the kids were getting hungry, tired, and cranky.  I had not brought along extra snacks, as I usually do, and I was getting anxious and upset.  I felt we should have decided that it was getting too late and just call it a night.  Or, at a minimum, when the time ticked away, we maybe should have discussed another alternative (like getting food from the grocery store and having a picnic instead).  But everyone said it should just be "a few more minutes".

Finally we were paged and I was not looking forward to the meal.  MIL was in her usual giddy mood, sopping up the glory of being in the middle of her family.   As we walked to the table, she kept telling my young son that she had a gift for him but it was in the car (just out in the parking lot).  She had told him as we arrived at the restaurant that she had something for him and so he, being three, was quite anxious to get it.  I finally asked her why she just didn't go get it for him.  My son was following her around asking when he could have it and she kept telling him he'd have to wait.  I grew irritated.  When I asked her to get it, she replied "it's out in the car".  I said "well, you should go get it for him.  Right now, you're bribing him to get him to sit by you by withholding it."  She snickered - she gets this gleeful look on her face, "tee-hee-hee"ing and smirking.  "I know!"  she said.  "That's not really OK with me.  You can not bribe my children."  I told her.  Not that it did any good.  She just ignored me.

As we sat down, of course, my son wanted to sit next to her and FIL.  Usually, I try to keep me and my kids at arm's length from MIL.  She has some odd quirks at restaurants and it helps me to feel better if we are out of her reach.

MIL has some weird issues with food.  Clearly, food is a comfort source to her, but it's more than that.  Her entire FB feed is filled with recipe after recipe.  She's not an overly heavy woman, although definitely overweight, and she is constantly on a diet.  She is very jealous that I am not heavy.  She can not control herself around food.  She will select a small amount for her own plate, but then she will pick little pieces off the main plate.  I've seen her devour two extra pieces of pizza this way, cutting sliver after sliver off pieces left in the box until she has finished two more.  But she'll claim she only at one and wonder why she gains weight.  BIL also does this.  MIL also has no problem criticizing my SIL for what she eats and threatening she'll "get fat and BIL doesn't like that." (I about fell of my chair when SIL told me she said this to her.)  At a recent meal, MIL ordered a plate of nachos "for the table".  However, when it came, she placed it in front of herself. She doled out some to others (she never really offered anyone any) by using her own fingers, which she then would lick off.  She pretty much ate the whole plate herself.  And then she ordered a "small bowl of soup" for her actual meal.  It's amazing to watch how much she deludes herself.

She is also quite possessive over ALL of the food on the table.  She takes inventory over what everyone has and is constantly scoping out what people are eating.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I don't mind sharing bites or allowing people tastes of food.  I'm OK with family style dining.  (Although, with my ILs, they snarf food down so fast that I often don't get very much to eat.  If we eat pizza, I generally get one piece, as I'm a slow eater, before they devour what is left.)  When we first started dating, I would try and chat with the family at meals.  However, I quickly learned that after they inhaled their food, they would start eyeing my plate and helping themselves.  Again, I would go away hungry.

And MIL seems to get some sort of pleasure out of the specific act of eating someone else's food.  It's hard to explain, but it feels like a way of "marking her territory".  Like she gets some intimacy out of having my husband, especially, share his food with her.  It's not so much about the food, but about the person who's food it is.  She also is constantly trying to force him to eat her food off her plate.  Again, I stress, it's not about the sharing of the food for her, but about the invasion of his boundaries that she likes.  It's weird and frankly grosses me out (MIL has some emotional incest problems.  She often seems to see my husband as a companion, someone to admire her, rather than a mother-son relationship.  She also used to use DH and BIL as surrogate spouses to get the other siblings "in line" when she couldn't get FIL to help.  FIL tends to be a bit of a child himself and doesn't take a leadership role in the family.  He likes to be taken care of.)  Due to her lack of boundaries in this area, DH and I always try to sit away from MIL.  (He sees it too.)

I don't mind sharing or giving bites, but I don't like food being taken off my plate without asking.  I don't like when I haven't even had a chance to try my food before she's demanding some.  I don't like when they hog down their food and then demand some of mine before I've had my fill.  They act like I'm "odd" for feeling this way.

On this night, DH and I had agreed to order a small appetizer and a meal for my son immediately upon sitting down so that we could get the kids home for bed.   BIL ordered food for his kids, but he, SIL, MIL, and FIL all decided to languish over the menu and decide at some time later.

When the food arrives, MIL instantly starts bobbing and weaving and almost raising out of her chair to see what we are having.  Keep in mind, she has a very large meal on it's way and DH and I are splitting a small appetizer between the two of us.  She starts in on my husband "what do you have down there?!?"  DH tells her.  Then she asks for a taste of his beer (personally, and this is my issue, but I don't like sharing drinks with a bunch of people as the germ factor gets to me.)  She starts hassling my husband again, asking him how it tastes.  Clearly she wants some.  The woman can't wait for her own food (remember, she's a bit of a glutton) and she's trying to poach off our small meal.

At this point, the kids meals come.  They (MIL, because she always orders for my niece and nephew) had ordered pizza (a very large one) for my small niece.  My son ordered a burger which came with fries.  MIL instantly starts swiping his fries and dipping them in his ketchup (again, the germ factor.  This grosses me out.  I've also seen her use my son's napkin.  To me, this is a huge boundary violation.)  MIL starts hollering that my niece needs some fries too.  MIL think it's HER job to distribute food and determine who needs what.  Niece was not asking for fries, nor did she seem particularly concerned about it.  And yes, my son had more than he could eat, but DH and I had planned to share with him.  MIL also thinks it's her job to "re-distribute" family resources, determining who should pay for things, and how much.  She takes from some and gives to others as SHE sees fit and it really drives me crazy.

I'm becoming increasingly agitated by all of this.  DH grabs a plate, loads it with fries and passes it down to to my niece.  MIL is clearly annoyed by this and keeps grabbing fries and swiping them in my son's ketchup.  So, DH hands down the ketchup.

And this is were the lecture starts.  MIL starts in, while addressing my son, "It's GOOD to share.  WE SHARE IN THIS FAMILY."  She goes on and on for about five minutes as I precede to feel shamed and embarrassed.  Clearly the lecture is meant for me.  DH claims it's not, because she didn't address me directly, but I know it was.  We've had similar issues in the past and she bristles at me putting up boundaries.  It annoys her that DH limits her invading his meal space.  She is loudly proclaiming for the whole table the virtues of sharing.  But it's clear that it's being directed towards my end of the table.

And I am more than willing to share.  I am a very generous person.  But, as I thought later, this isn't sharing!!  Sharing involves on person making a choice about what they would like to give and to give.  And one has to feel ownership over something in order to share it.  If it is a communal resources that is NOT sharing.  And if some TAKES from you without asking, that is not sharing, that is TAKING.  If you have no choice in the matter, how can that be sharing?  I do not make my children share either.  If you force them to do it, than the lesson of it feeling good to share is missed.  They don't get the actual point.  I encourage it.  I talk about it.  But I do not force it.  I do not force my kids to give me or my husband food off their plate.  I always allow them to make the choice.   I felt violated by her making the choice for my son AND by going against my parental authority of how I want to teach my children.

By now, I'm FUMING.  I'm embarrassed, feeling shamed, and feeling very violated.  I'm also feeling very isolated.  I am often an "outsider" labeled as an odd duck with odd ways in the family.  It has been pointed out many times before, when I've upheld -what I believe to be- basic manners and conventions, that I'm uptight or rigid (things like asking before borrowing something, returning it in good shape, not putting food off your plate back into a family dish, not wandering around the table inspecting peoples meals when you are a grown up.  Seriously, DH's adult brother -granted he has some learning disabilities but is capable of understanding basic conventions - will walk around the table in restaurants examining what everyone has ordered.  They have no boundaries when it comes to food and I am the "odd duck" for expecting some.)  We finish up our food, throw down money for our share of the bill and attempt to leave.

At this point, MIL jumps up and declares NOW she's ready to give my son he gift.  I take my infant and go to our car, asking them to please hurry as we need to get the baby to bed.  They take my son and are gone for quit a bit.  When I see them finally coming, my FIL is meandering down to our car, pointing out other vehicles and naming the brand names of cars.  They clearly know we are in a hurry, but are dawdling.  When they get to the car, the stall some more and start conversations and open the car door to play with the baby.  I am FURIOUS but still sit there, saying nothing.  I know if I say anything that 1) I'll explode and 2) DH will be angry with me for "causing trouble" and "being difficult".

We finally leave and I am shaking with anger.  To be honest, I've rarely been that angry.  I felt violated, shamed, angry, hurt, and disrespected.  I can not even speak I'm so angry (and I rarely get like that.)  I have had enough of being a doormat to these people.  DH asks me what's wrong.  I tell him I'm angry.  He says "you hate my family!"  He becomes increasingly upset with ME.  Sure, MIL crossed some lines, he says, but was it that big of a deal?  Sure, they dawdled, but they were just trying to spend time with my son (by the way, they have NO respect for our time.  It is a huge issue with me that their time is important, while our's is not.)

We get home and put the kids to bed and I continue to be upset.  This was long before I understood shaming, or social collusion, or adult bullying.  This is before I learned about boundaries.  All I knew was that I was angry and my husband was blaming me for over reacting and ruining the meal.  For never being able to get along with my in-laws.  The discussion continues in which he points out that I "can't get along with anyone".  Anyone includes my NM and my NSIS and his family.  He disregards all of the people I DO get along with.  He is blaming me for all of the problems in the family and saying that I need to learn "how to deal with it".  But I don't know how to deal with it.  How to make my feelings of being violated go away.  How to not feel completely helpless in the situation.

I ended up that night in my closet with my father's pistol, ready to commit suicide.  I could not figure out any other way out.  I seemed to be the root of everyone's problems and I felt if I just "got out of the way" they could all go on and be happy.  DH talked me out of it and put me to bed, as I shook and cried.  He thought I was being dramatic and threatening suicide for effect.  I knew that I was seriously at the end of my rope.

I sunk into a deep depression and then shortly after stumbled upon narcissism.  It all finally made sense and the cloud started to lift.  I quit feeling I was the root of all problems.  It has been a LONG road.  DH still doesn't always understand it, although he's MUCH better.  But I no longer feel helpless.  I no longer feel I am to blame.  I no longer feel suicide is my only option.

Rage, then Anger, than Annoyance, and then Hurt

My NSIS, NM, and I have always been very enmeshed.  The relationships have always been very codependent.

As I described before, I was often the care taker or protector of my sister.  We were always together. We went to childcare together and I protected and took care of her there.  In social situations, we were always together.  Even now, when my father's family had a family reunion, she wanted to go with me (even though we hadn't spoken in over a year) because she needs me to buffer for her.   In some situations, she can be very friendly and out going.  Not so much in others.  We took the same dance classes and lessons (NM always put me into the age level of NSIS, so I was often with kids two years younger.)  My friends where NSIS's friends (but generally not the other way around).

My NM and NSis have a very love/hate relationship.  NSis and my father did not get along at all when she was a kid and NSis was very attached to NM.  NM always babied her and coddled her.  NSis always got to sit by NM on the couch when we watched TV (I was with my father).  Nsis always sat by my mother in restaurants.  NSis even had to sit behind my mother in the car (not my father because she didn't like him.)  NM helped with my sister's homework (as did I.  NM did not, generally help me) when she slacked off.  NM enabled my sister when consequences were in order.

NM always expected me to give to my sister (as the "luckier") one and enable her too.  When my sister would beat the hell out of me, biting, gouging chunks of my skin out with her nails, punching me, my NM blamed us "both" for fighting (even though NSis never had a scratch and I never hit her back.)  I was blamed if my sister didn't do her chores.  I was blamed if my sister did something she wasn't supposed to (the final straw of me moving out of NM's house was when she held me accountable for my sister taking off and me not being able to find her.  NM, of course, was spending the weekend at her boyfriend's house and put me "in charge".  If I'd come home without her, I'd also have been grounded.  My sister was rarely held accountable, by NM, of attacking me (other relatives and my father tried to help me, but NM undermined that often.)

NM has am million excuses for NSis's bad behavior: she's having a hard time, she is unlucky, she just can't catch a break, bad things just "accidentally" happen to her.  She just has a horrible boyfriend, no self esteem (something NM asked my to have my DH help my sister get by "supporting" her more.)  She gives her tons of money (which she justifies as fair because she buys my kids tons of -unwanted- toys and gifts.  Or because she has to spend four times as much on me for "gifts" -my kids and husband count in "my" total- and so it's fair to give my sister more.  I could care less about the money, but it speaks volumes to me.)  She makes excuses when my sister ignores me or forgets me or acts up (she's just jealous of you Jessie, you have so much and it makes her feel bad about herself, she has a lot going on right now, she has a hard time remembering things like birthdays.)

Every once and awhile NM would agree that my sister was treating me badly, but aside from a pitying look, she would then change the subject to how much my sister treats HER badly and how horrible it makes her feel.  How it's not fair that she has to "deal with NSIS" all on her own.  No one struggles as much to help NSis, no one does for NSis, no one knows how painful this all is for her.  I have counseled, consoled, and listened to NM's complaints.  For many years, I hated my sister for what she was "doing to my mother" (shortly after this, NSis and I compared notes - in the one period I thought we were on the same side -and found out NM blamed ME for all of her stress in life.)  Despite all I did for my sister, it never counted.

My sister is very dependent on my mother.  When my parents divorced, she got most of the attention for acting out.  She got ALL of the therapy.  She relies on my mother to give her money (when she went to visit my dying grandmother, my mother paid for it all).  She relies on my mother to help her out.  But she also gets very annoyed with her.  NM would visit her once a year (which NSis would complain about.  NM visited me four to five times a year at the time AND stayed in my home.  She would get a hotel - or end up in a hotel after they fought- at NSis's house) and NSis would complain it was too much to have her come more.  NSis would call complaining about my mother holding her back, not getting her, not being supportive, not being empathetic (when NSis's beloved dog died, NM couldn't talk to her on the phone about it because it upset NM so much. :P)  My sister rarely visited NM in her home.

Since my estrangement with my sister, NM and NSis have both claimed their relationship has gotten so much better.  They don't necessarily imply it's because I'm out of the picture, I think they think they have "worked on their issues" and that NSis is "getting better" (something I've seen no evidence of).  I think my putting up boundaries has just driven them closer together (and more codependent).  They act very lovey dovey on FB.  They are very defensive about each other.  While they can complain about each other, if I EVER said anything, I got criticized and put down for it.

My NM has had little concern over my feelings towards my sister.  She portrays me as holding a grudge, being resentful, and "giving up" on my sister.  She has never tried to understand my point of view, but rather pushed reconciliation.  Last year, she wrote me an email saying that everything was her fault and that I shouldn't hold NSis responsible for the mistakes NM made as a mother (what those mistakes where she didn't say).  When I explained that I had issues with the ADULT my sister was, NM dismissed me.  She has guilted, shamed, and pushed me to reconcile.  She even pulls out "you don't know how hard this is on me".  I have never felt understood or listened to about the situation.  In fact, she doesn't even ask about me.

I know that my father told my sister to back off last month and that I had some things I was working through (I wish my father hadn't said this, as NSIS took this as I had "problems" and then launched into trying to be the sympathetic caregiver to me, which came off as patronizing and condescending instead of really caring.)  I know NSIS told this to my mother (they have no confidentiality when it comes to me and tell each other everything.  NSis betrayed my confidence when I would complain about my mother (I thought we were sharing a common feeling, as NSis would also say the same things about my mother during the conversation.)  But NM has made no attempts to reach out and see if I am OK (just vague condolences about my grandmother -and then gossip about my father's family that she managed to obtain through manipulation).  I'm sure she'd justify that as "respecting my privacy".  But she doesn't respect my privacy at any other time, why now?

NM has twice in the past month -as tension with my sister has reached a new height- changed her profile photo on FB to one of her and NSIS.  Close together with their heads, laughing, prompting lots of "awes" and "you two are so sweet" and "so much love".  BARF.

I do not want to be on NM's profile.  I refuse to take the ridiculous selfies she forces on everyone else.  She used to use my children, but I put a stop to that too (I don't like their photos public).  I'm not jealous of the relationship they have together.  In fact, seeing photos of them like that reminds me of what it is like to be around them.  Lots of bitter tongues and gossip and complaining and drama mongering.  Few real conversations.  Lots of me trying my best to be supportive and never feeling like I could be myself.  The negativity that is the two of them "behind the scenes" is horrible.

But it strikes me as VERY insensitive of NM to keep changing the photo to one of her and my sister.  It almost implies to me that I am on the outside and they are on the inside.  That she has taken sides (which I've always felt).  When my sister was in town, fine.  But just randomly?  And it's not like NM posts tons of pictures of her with other people as her profile photo.  It's either NM or it's NM and NSIS.  And maybe she's just trying to force me to look at my sister and hoping it'll make me feel guilt/nostalgia/sadness or something.  I really could be reading too much into it but I've seen NM do things like this before to elicit reactions out of people.  She loves to bait.

Meanwhile, she's texting me, baiting me to support her in her latest endeavor (sort of "hey, look at me, this is what I'm doing.  You should be acknowledging it!!!")  I've always been the caretaker while NSis is the star and the pet.  And photos like that one just plain piss me off.  I go from rage, to anger, to very annoyed, and then finally hurt.

Maybe it's a good thing, as it reminds me of why I don't want to participate in any of this anymore.  (and BTW, I don't look at NM's FB page unless I have to anymore, but her profile photo is hard to ignore.)  But it is so painful to be aware of how little NM cares about my feelings in all of this.  How my well being is of little concern to her.  Now of this shocks me or surprises me.  And if I called NM on it, she'd twist it to say she's just "not picking favorites" and "loving both of my daughters".  Blech.

Mind Games

I am continuing to work through dealing with the narcissists and flying monkey's in my life.  Since starting therapy, I've had a lot of chances to let go of some of the anxiety and crazy making that I've been dealing with.  I've wanted to write but haven't even had a moment to write before something else has popped up.

Some quick updates: NM has been "maintaining" herself within in the distance I've put between us.  It is a very shallow, but cordial relationship at the moment.  She has tried to interfere in some aspects of my life, but I've been able to evade her.  Generally, NM can function in this state for awhile, but I know her resentment towards me will build.  It's no a matter of if she will "punish" me for keeping my distance, it's when.  She has been distracted by a major event in her life (a relatively good one for her, although she can make drama around anything) so I've been able to fly under the radar a bit.  Plus, I'm getting a bit of a "silent treatment" from her for not engaging enough in her event (fawning, asking questions, making her feel important) but I'm living with that.

I haven't seen MIL and FIL for two months.  (whoo-hoo!)  I think MIL is working temporarily and that's why.  I'm guessing my N vacation won't last long.  I am not looking forward to seeing her, but at least I've had a breather.

Recently my grandmother passed away.  It was a very sad situation and difficult in some ways.  But, I was able to process it and mourn for her.  It wasn't a close relationship, but I cared for her (she filled some holes in my life from NM).  In normal families, this would've been the point of focus.

Not in mine.  Of course, NSIS (and NM) used this opportunity to try and strong arm me back into a relationship with her.  In the course of a week and a half, NSIS contacted me 20 separate times.  Crying, cojoling, begging for support for her feelings about grandma (they had been estranged for 15 years due to NSIS verbally assaulting her in an email).  She guilted me ("at a time like this, we should be talking") and then attempted to shame me for "not trying".  One morning, she called or texted EIGHT times in half an hour trying to get me to respond.  I ignored them all.

The whole situation was very upsetting and anxiety provoking for me.  I was back having panic attacks and terrified I'd have to see her at the funeral (I didn't, thank God.)  I felt very pushed and pressured to "deal" with the situation I am in with my sister.

(A little background for those who don't remember; skip this if you read my blog regularly: my sister and I had a very enmeshed and codependent relationship.  I was put in the position of parenting her often.  She was a very temperamental child.  She was often violent - this was not just "sibling fighting".  I was often afraid of her.  She would fly into rages, not just at me.  Both my parents struggled with her too.  I was put in charge after school every day and all summer holidays long.  Her rage at me "controlling" her provoked her to often attack me.  I don't remember having many great, loving times with her.  In school, child care, and in activities I was to "protect her".  Even though she is socially engaging and can make friends, I was often her "protector".  To be fair, there were times she offered support or was kind, but it was few and far between.  During our teen years, NM divorced my dad and left me in charge of her more frequently.  She completely spiraled out of control.  She lied, stole (money and boyfriends), and continued to assault me.  She was interacting with very scary people and constantly was involved in violent and disturbing situations.  It was terrifying.  I had hoped as she grew older, things would get better.  They didn't.  She maintains her own home and has a job, but it is far below what she could achieve (she's always saying she's broke and needs help from my parents.)  She bounces from job to job to job because she can't maintain getting along with her boss' (they are always at fault because they are idiots).  She is involved in one abusive relationship after another.  Her life is more complicated and volatile and dramatic than a soap opera.  The list of crazy events and behaviors in her life is unbelievable.  She has continued to lie, manipulate, and rage when she doesn't get her way.  I tried to support her, tried to help her, often at the expense of myself, my kids, and my husband.  She gives very little back.  She thinks nothing of calling, drunk and hysterical in the middle of the night.  She often ignored important things in my life or minimized them (when my second son was born, she was supposed to come help me so I wouldn't be stuck with just NM.  She backed out when I said she couldn't bring her abusive boyfriend -whom I had never met - because I was having a c-section and a new baby and couldn't deal with a house guest (not to mention, she and her last boyfriend had had a significant confrontation at my home the time before and he left her 700 miles from their home).  I could go on and on, but bottom line is, I think she is narcissistic and has border line.  After her letting people believe she had cancer, but never actually letting me know, she screamed at me for not "supporting her".  This led to a break in our relationship.  I tried to communicate in an email that things needed to change (my therapist, who I read the email to said I was kind, thoughtful, and couched everything as nicely as I could.)  She responded with rage and hostility and passive-aggressiveness.  Since then, she has tried to hoover me and to "play pretend" that our relationship just had a little hiccup and that we could go back to the way things were.)

At this point, I'm at a loss as how to proceed with her.  DH suggests that, if I really think I can't have a relationship with her that I "declare" full NC.  These moments when she comes at me, demanding interaction are very stressful and traumatizing.  The therapist also sees NC as the answer.  I have been afraid in the past of declaring anything, as I didn't want to provoke her rage and I was struggling enough with my relationships with NM and MIL.  I have finally "confessed" everything to my father (he knew nothing of my extreme anxiety, the whole of the situation, and is often in the dark about my sister's true nature.  She's very good at hiding lots from him.  That was part of my anxiety, the secret keeping I had to do for her.)  My NM has suggested that I have "given up on her" and that NM would NEVER give up on a family member.  NSIS has been telling people that I'm just being stubborn and resentful and unwilling to "try".  I have been accused of not responding to her attempts to "make amends".

I've been struggling as how to proceed.  In reading the emails, my therapist says she can see how I clearly stated what I needed and that my sister just didn't hear me, but instead blamed me and attacked me.  The therapist sees no point in rehashing and feels nothing will change with my sister.
I am feeling it is all sort of unresolved, even though factually, I can see that I have tried to resolve it.  But I also wonder if I need to clearly state "don't call me, don't text, don't contact me."

And then some of me keeps feeling a pull to not go full on NC.  I've created a very small crack for her to allow her opportunities to get back into my life (through email only, she has not emailed me, only texted and called).  I know that I have this little bit of hope in there that she will see the light (she has had fleeting moments of clarity about our mother and our childhood in the past).  I'm terrified for her future and what will happen when my parents die (I do NOT want to take her on but I don't know how she can continue on with the life she leads as she enters the second half of her life.  She's in her mid-30s now).  I have always felt a very maternal feeling towards her and I often feel she is like my child (in fact, she has often felt that she is more important to me than my children and that she has priority or is at least equal priority as they are.  Rationally, I know she is a GROWN woman and they are children and as such, I need to care for them over prioritizing caring for her.)

As I left the office this morning, trying to figure out why I just can't let go, several things dawned on me.  The therapist can't seem to comprehend why I don't believe I'm doing the right thing, why I think I'm wrong, why I feel so guilty.

But I feel like I'm abandoning her (like a child).  I see her as helpless and desperately in need of support.  She has very few people to support her.   I know that NM abandoned us and it was one of the most devastating things for the both of us.  I know the pain it causes to be abandoned by a family member and I know she is in pain because I have "chosen to abandon" her.   I feel  I am no better than NM; that when the "going got tough" I walked away.  

Something in my head says that I'm a bad person, a bad sister.  That I must be weak if I can't be strong for her.  That she is suffering and I should be able to sacrifice some of my own comfort (of which, many believe, I have lots: a nice home, a comfortable life, good kids, a nice husband) to help out my poor sister who just has been dealt a bad hand in life.  I must be a weak, pathetic person if I can't help her through her struggles.  OR, I'm mean.  Or selfish.  Only someone who is selfish would "give up" on her family member.  We are supposed to be there for each other.  If you can't count on your family, who can you count on.  She needs me and I have ABANDONED her.  I'm selfish, uncaring, heartless person who just is too weak emotional (i.e. neurotic) to deal with all of this.

I know these are irrational thoughts.  When I look at it objectively, none of this makes sense to me. OF COURSE I am not abandoning her.  She is a grown woman and I'm only expecting her to act like one.  I am expecting her to take some responsibility for her life, her choices, and her emotions.  I am expecting her to grow up and learn how to handle herself.  I am not leaving her pathetic and helpless on the side of the road.  She is not helpless.  She is not a victim (no matter how hard NM tries to convince me she is.  No matter how much NSIS believes she is a victim.)

NSIS's issues with abandonment are not my problem.  I can not resolve them for her.  I can not love her enough to make that go away (Lord knows, I have tried).  How she chooses to receive my behavior towards her is not my responsibility.  I can not change that.

I am not weak for refusing to continue to be a part of this dysfunction.  I am not a weak person.  They do not get to determine my worth and my value.  They do not get to judge me as selfish.  It is not selfish to refuse to live in toxicity and abuse.  I am not being selfish.  I am not giving up.  I'm making new choices for me.

I can sit with the reality.  I can think through it all in my head.  My heart is a much different problem.  I can not switch off these old loops of tapes.  The tape that says "if you really loved them, you'd suffer for them.  If you really loved them, you'd do what you could to help, even if it cost you a bit.  If you really loved them, you'd toughen up so that you could support them without it getting to you so much."

I'm really not sure how to work this all out.  The therapist suggests early trauma recovery work.  I'm not so sure if that's the only way.  I'm not sure how to convince myself that I'm not a bad person who is just being resentful and refusing to try.   I'm exhausted from puzzling through this.  I'd really just like to move forward but I feel like I'm stuck in a bog.

Narcissistic Ping Pong (Or: Why it's a Bitch to set Boundaries with an N)

A little background first.  NM has been privy to many times that I have been upset by MIL.  I have confided in her many times and she has seen, first hand, some of the crazy behaviors MIL has had towards me.  In the beginning, when I actually thought she had my back, I would tell her a lot of stuff.  I've learned to temper what I say (where it was later used as "evidence" of why I was wrong in arguments.  Clearly, I couldn't get along with "anyone", neither NM, MIL, or NSIS, so it must be ME, she would imply.  In a discussion with NM about an issue I was having with NM, my confidence was turned into "proof" that was wrong.)  If NM didn't throw it in my face, I know NM felt a secret "alliance" with MIL.  I know my difficulties with my MIL helped her to believe it was all my fault too.

Rarely did my NM express any real empathy or sympathy.  She'd offer a few stories about how she was treated as a DIL, and then run off on a tangent with that.  And I never felt like I had her support.  She gives MIL just as much credibility as me in the issue.  Meaning: to NM, it's like just as much me as it is my MIL.  I get no benefit of the doubt as her daughter.

Several times, she's become indignant at MIL's behavior towards me.  I've heard "I can't believe how these people treat you.  It really pisses me off."  And I really do believe she is fully angry and sees the treatment for what it is.  Not to support me, but because she loves to take the victim side that someone would treat HER daughter that way.  She and my MIL have had a few minor scuffles.  NM has been annoyed (by her own admission) by MIL's behavior at times and sees MIL as trying to one up her.  She often expresses jealousy over the fact that we (and the grandkids) "see MIL more often."  followed up with "you'd think they'd be closer."

When I've explained clear hazards with MIL babysitting, NM agrees that it's an issue, but than always suggests that MIL should babysit too.  I think this is more about her being angry that I don't allow EITHER of them alone with the kids and so she thinks she and MIL are on the same "team" to get freer access to the kids.

Several times, NM has flat agreed with MIL.  Several times, she completely invalidates me by saying "Well, she's always been nice to me."  "(DH's parents) are so nice."  (Step mom does this too me too.) Last summer, she spent time after OS's baseball game chatting with my ILs in the parking lot (about 20 minutes) instead of spending her last bit of time with her grandkids (whom she says she doesn't get enough time with.)  When we called to see if they were OK because they hadn't arrived yet, she said "WHAT? Can't we bond with your ILs?"

Which, I suppose, if they actually liked each other would be fine.  But they don't.  They dance around each other like animals over territory, very careful to always be cordially distant.  But, like I said, they've had confrontations.  MIL has clearly pissed off my NM on occasion.  But they don't talk often, aren't friends, and don't see each other.  They occasionally bond about "their generation".  And this summer MIL invited NM up to hang out at their vacation property.  Blech.


So, fast forward.  I have spent SIX years trying to get NM to tone down gifts: less money (it's obscene), less quantity (it's obscene), and when all else failed, just the SIZE.  (Gifts are often 2X3 ft. square -or more- and don't fold up.  These are not easy to store.  And my kids actually do use all of their toys (part of being a stay at home mom) and so it's hard to just give them away if they are still using them.  Anyway, it's my house, and if I don't want huge toys, so be it.  (And I'd even be willing to compromise, an occasional big gift if it was really cool and would be special to the kids.  But not 3 times a year: their birthday, their brother's birthday, and Christmas.  And a special extra trip for toys every time they visit. )  I have TRIED and tried and tried to curtail this shit.  Talking, boundaries, making it "clear".  But it's always circumvented: they've told the kids they have a "surprise", so it's hard to refuse or some other method.  When I would find a stop to it, they'd find a new route.  And it's "they".  Step dad teams up with NM on this one.  Grandparents are "meant" to spoil the kids.  It's their "right".  And, in some ways, they do spoil the kids in good ways: really cool experiences with Grand dad and some neat things.  But it is so excessive.

Two months ago, NM and I were talking about a similar situation in which a parent refused a grandparent's gift that was too large after being told it was not OK.  She thought this was awful and said "You tell me all of the time that I can't buy large gifts, but I do it anyway.  I mean, if I find something cool."  So, she clearly has heard my boundary, she clearly understands my boundary, and she clearly is choosing to ignore this boundary.  And she is choosing to justify it was an argument that sounds awfully a lot like something I said above: that I would allow it if it was "once and awhile".  But it's not.  It's all of the time.  Every time, three times a year.  She conveniently neglects this point.

I take this opportunity to tell her to please, please, please, please, please to not get a large gift for my son's this Christmas.

She sends me an email to "please do no be mad at the size of YS's gift."  Followed by a large (expensive, I found out today) gift.  Sigh.

I decided that I had laid down the boundary, she ignored it, and now it was time to be clear about the consequences of doing this again.

The therapist suggested this is "pushing back" but I felt that was too aggressive a descriptive for what I was doing.  I felt this was merely standing my ground.  How do you all feel?

When she emailed asking if the package had arrived, I replied something to the effect of "It did, at least the larger of the two.  I sure hope it is the larger of the two, as it is very big.  I'll have to ask you to stop sending big gifts or I will start sending them back."  I had DH proof read it for "emotional loadedness".  Which I'm sure she'd see anyway, but he said it was fine.

Several days later, I got a very pathetic, guilt laden, hurt-that-I-called-her-out email in return.  Hurt that I had refused her "gift".  She offered up the receipt and to just let her know and she'd "work on this at the birthdays."

Then radio silence.  Then an email about how she needs to get started on a family reunion she's planning this summer at her house for her side of the family.  A family that has tried to politely tell her they are not interested.  A reunion with my sister in attendance.  Despite REPEATED rebuffs of getting together with my sister, despite a two year estrangement, she thinks my sister and will show up and stay together at my mother's house.  She's wanting me to commit to dates I have open.  She hasn't really spoken to any one else yet for concrete days (I'm sure she'd say, "well, I wanted to give you first consideration" but she's really trying to shore me up and make me commit.  Give her something to hold me to.)  I IGNORED this email.  It felt like an obvious trap.  I could see no road from a response on my part that would end well for me.

In between this, she puts on my sister's FB page "love you babes!!"  which is so 'un'-her (it's the FB her, the manufactured mom).  I get nothing (fine).  I have been avoiding liking her page, but I just can't "like" bullshit and lies.

Radio silence.  She texts and asks if I got my grandfather's Christmas card.  He's getting old and can't write as well, you know.  So he wasn't sure you got it.  I don't know why I need to tell my NM every year that I get my grandfather's card so that she can tell him (I always send a thank you card.  Not right away but always...oh, he sends a little bit of money for the kids and is anxious to know it arrived.)  But, whatever.  Sometimes replying to this "bullshit" stuff gets me off the hook with bigger stuff and she moves on after I ignore her.  So, I reply that I got it, sent her Christmas gifts out and hope she had a nice weekend.

She replies earlier today that she got the package (and then something to tell DH).  I didn't reply.  Wasn't really feeling in the mood to play "text ping pong" and figured her text didn't need a reply (sometimes if you reply, you get caught up in a huge thread and she won't let the texting stop.)

Tonight, she texted me and asked for my in-laws address.  No reason why.  Just wanting their address.

At the same time, she texted my husband a thank you for a gift he'd sent my step dad (not HER and my step dad, just step dad.  Not sure why she was thanking him.)  No question about HIS parent's address.

She has my in-laws address too.  They have exchanged "sympathy" cards when their parents died.  (Side note, MIL sent a sympathy card to my mother when her mother died, but nothing to me, as it was my grandmother.  But, whatever.  In fact, I don't remember them expressing sympathy at all.)  Other than that, they have NEVER exchanged cards.  NM and MIL rarely exchange Christmas cards with anyone.

I can't help but feel she is choosing to send my MIL a Christmas card to hurt my feelings.  Maybe I'm crazy.  Maybe I'm reading too much into the situation.  It's quite possible.  It's time's like this I wonder if I'm crazy, finding conspiracy where there is none.

It is quite possible she was moved by DH being kind to my step father (which he really was) and thought "I want to send MIL and FIL a card."  And, by her own admission, NM is always sad how few people are on her Christmas card list (actually, she bitches about it, but whatever.  She's sad.)  I get it.

But, what I don't get, is how it doesn't even OCCUR to her that, by befriending a woman who has caused her daughter SO MUCH PAIN, it feels like betrayal.  I'm not asking her to be mean, or rude, or unkind to this woman.  It makes it easier that they get along.  I wish she could support me more in my struggle with MIL (do you KNOW how much that would help to at least feel I had my mom on my side?).  But it is what it is.  I'm not asking them to fight. (And for the record, MIL and my SIL's mother can't stand each other.)

But it hurts like hell that my mom would befriend someone who hurts me so much.  That it hasn't occurred to her that she has totally invalidated me.  I know, to her, it's just a Christmas card.  But to me, it feels like betrayal.  But maybe I'm crazy.

Buzzing Around

I've been wanting to write more posts about NM and my last visit (and I will) but I've been very busy as of late.  DH and I got very sick for three weeks or so and then we've had just one thing after the other to contend with.
As it is, I've been continuing to receive craziness from NM, and even though I shouldn't be, I'm always surprised by the in roads she chooses to "get" at me.  But, that's another post.

I haven't seen my MIL since she called my husband and offered up her faux apology.  I knew at the time that she wasn't sincere and I really had no hope of things changing.  But, since it was such a completely different tactic from her, the whole situation set off my anxiety.  I was stressed about how this all would play out.

I was guessing that MIL's tactic was that, when she called, DH would say "Oh, no, you're a great mom." and that he'd get the hint that HE actually needed to change his behavior.  I  believe her subtle message was "(DH), by not doing what I want, you've made ME feel badly.  Please fix this.  Or else." She stated in her conversation with DH that her main objective was MORE time with us and I saw very little of her actually wanting to change our relationship.

To DH's credit, he told her that we needed to work on boundaries, to back off of me, and to give us some space.

About two weeks later, FIL was calling to meet up with us.  So much for space.  I could tell DH was wanting to comply.  He said he was still going to speak with his mother, but he wanted to get my input before he talked to her (thumbs up for the fact he is consulting me, thumbs down for the fact that he still hasn't actually talked to her about the issues.  However, I don't feel like these things need to be on a timeline, and so he still can talk to about it all.)  I was very sick, so I didn't have to go.  DH met them at my BIL's house.  I was very anxious, wondering what she was going to say to DH and how she would latch onto my kids.  I rationalized, though, that the kids would be seeing their cousins (whom they really wanted to see) and MIL would be allowed little inroads to them.

When DH came home, he seemed quiet.  He said that things had been fine.  MIL had not hoovered over my older son (as usually) but had played a lot with my younger son (whom she usually ignores).  This made me anxious.  Other than that, DH said that MIL was very quiet and stayed to herself a lot.  FIL only referenced me when he asked DH on the phone "who all is coming over?"  They didn't ask how I was feeling or what I was sick with, as they normally would.

In the next few days, I noticed DH having (sudden) irritability.  It took us several tense discussions and an argument for me to finally notice that EVERY TIME he goes around his parents, he comes back sullen and argumentative.  This is another post, but I do think it was good for both of us to finally see that connection.  That things between us are fine, then he goes and sees his parents, and suddenly he has "issues" with me.

This visit with his parents also started the nagging from MIL about gift ideas.  We really did try to get her something as quickly as possible (I like to be considerate) but since we are giving ideas out to 5 or six different people, it can be complicated to organize.  I know she sent several texts reminding DH to get her the list (she'd had her own ideas, but DH told her to hold off.)  Several days after the gift ideas were sent, she texted that she had gotten YS something different.  This royally pissed me off.  I know it shouldn't, but these games around gift giving get tiresome.   DH said he understood my feelings and that he was going to tell her.  But he didn't, until finally one day (when I was at my wit's end about all of this) I called him on it.  He ended up texting her.  She feigned to not understand why it was a big deal, but ended up just buying extra gifts (and the one we had suggested) for the kids.

So, all of this has happened in the three weeks since she offered to change, and DH told her to give us some space.  During this time, MIL also made contact with me on three separate occasions.  She has been reduced to "restricted" status on my FB page, which means she can only see what I make public, which is nothing aside from my cover/profile photos.    I changed my photos twice and within an hour, MIL had "liked" them.  These are the ONLY access she has to me and I felt crowded that she would immediately like them.  Especially since DH specifically told her to not offer lame flattery (not that "likes" are always flattery, but in her case, it seems to be pathetic attempts to appear interested).  She also sent to my email address (not DH's) an electronic Thanksgiving card.  FOUR DAYS LATE (it arrived Monday morning).  A couple of things about these cards: I dislike them wholly.  You have to spend minutes watching the LAMEST graphics in order to get the message.  She has never sent me (or DH) a Thanksgiving card before.  We received no phone call on Thanksgiving or text from them and had no contact with them at all (which is also odd).  She picks out real paper cards for my kids and DH, but I always get these e-cards on my birthday.  Last Mother's Day, she acknowledged me with one of these cards, but it was also several days late.  (It's an E-CARD.  How can it be late?!)  The message was generic and not addressed to anyone in particular.  

This was the FOURTH contact we'd had from her (not including the little texts) in five weeks time.  I was feeling so pressed in on and claustrophobic.  With my niece and nephews birthdays coming up, I was feeling down right panicky.  Having not actually seen MIL since the beginning of September, I was not happy about having to see her and I feared confrontation.  Or that she would come up and insist on apologizing and "making things right".  I didn't want to be forced, in front of people, to accept her apology.  I didn't want to talk about it at all.  I mean, frankly, she's never even mentioned to ME that she felt she was feeling badly about her behavior.  She's only said things to DH.  And then she ignored every thing he asked of her.

The ILs called the day before the party to NOW insist that they wanted to make a plan to arrange ANOTHER visit to drop off gifts, as the gifts they ordered hadn't arrived yet and couldn't exchange them at the party.  (I think this is a ploy by MIL too to arrange a separate "gift opening" get together, as we always have to do, every year.)  I know was positively hyperventilating at feeling so penned in.  DH said they had planned next weekend.  He did approach me before he called them back and I told him about feeling so claustrophobic and that I needed some space.  That his parents were completely ignoring our boundaries and forcing an increase in contact.  DH arranged for after Christmas to exchange gifts, although we've made no plans yet except for a date.  I figure, when that time comes, I'll decide if I want to even go.  But I didn't like all the pressure of committing to another visit, when I was so stressed about the party and visit the next day.

  I was shaking when I walked into the place, but had a plan to make myself busy with the kids during the activities.  My youngest is still small enough to need me around.  They showed up late (as usually.  I heard my BIL on the phone giving them instructions on where to go.  They had gone to a different venue.  Not coincidentally, this is the same reason they gave for showing up late to my son's party: they didn't know where it was.  But they'd been to my son's venue twice before.  It all sounded like bullshit excuses to me. ).  I think it's horrible that they are always late, but it worked out for me and bought me time to get across the large gym and hide out.  I could feel MIL's eyes watching me when she came in.  As the adults left the entry way and ventured out to the kids, I could see her inching closer and closer, maneuvering.  I finally had to move out of her line of sight, as it was making me uncomfortable, and frankly, irritated to see her face (her facial expression, a combination of glee, and squinting, and nose up in the air, drives me crazy).  Thankfully, at that moment, my youngest son peed his pants.  Not bad enough to have to leave, but bad enough I had to run home and get him clothes (I've never been so thankful for an accident.)  I bolted and was so thankful to have 30 minutes of time taken up.  When I arrived back at the party, it was almost over.  MIL was busy "helping" (taking over for my) SIL with the cupcakes and things (SIL doesn't seem to mind, as she seems to have her head up her ass most of the time.  She spent a lot of the party with some random baby strapped on her chest instead of interacting with her own kids at the party).  I made sure to hang back a bit, near my youngest, waiting for him to finish up so I could change him.

And then she made a beeline for me.  I saw her coming from across the room, in a straight, determined line for me.  Sigh.  I was hoping we could exchange some random pleasantries and be done with it.  Nope.  She was going to hunt me down.  And this is a woman who stalks me around rooms.  I have literally moved chairs to get away from her at times, and she follows me.  She has NO respect for my personal space, listens in on my conversations with others and butts in, and I always feel so trapped around her.

I ignore her as she walks up and stands next to me.  "So, are you ready?" she asks.  I know exactly what she's referring to, as we have the SAME conversation and my niece and nephew parties every year.  This time I pause.  I had decided on "medium chill" with her.  I would answer kindly and politely and with as little response as possible.  I was not interested in engaging in conversation iwth her and I was going to refuse to participate in her charade.

Luckily, I've gotten enough control over my anxiety that I could pause and take a deep breathe, "Ready for what?"

This through her and I saw her bristle and be taken aback.  "Well, uh, uh, for Christmas.  Are you all done?"

I continued to look out at the party and not turn towards her, "Pretty much."

She continues, starting in on her "interrogation" style of conversation, where she fires one question after another at you, not really listening to the responses.  "I mean, do you have your tree up?"

"Yup".

"Well, what about the shopping? Are you done? "  She presses on.

"Mostly."

The old lady is persistent.  "Well, but like do you have them all wrapped under the tree?"

I mean, seriously, does she not take hints?  Or maybe stop drilling me and just engage in some easy conversation, lady?  I hate feeling attacked.  But I notice DH has come closer and is watching (he was giving explicit instructions to keep an eye on me this time and rescue me if necessary.)

"I've done some." I reply.  She continues "Well, I asked (OS) if he was excited and he said 'yes, there are 11 more day!'".  And then she cackles.  I smile and nod.  And then I decide to excuse myself and take YS to the bathroom.  I don't say goodbye, or even look at her, but just take off.  Maybe rude, but I was finished being interrogated.

When I came back, she was busy taking over and "helping" with the gift unwrapping.  It amazes me that BIL just wanders around while MIL does all of the work with this stuff, but I suppose that shows you how everything is "supposed" to work in this family.  I'm able to skirt around her and talk to another friend.  I go up to my niece and nephew and say good bye and happy birthday.  Neither child acknowledges me or even looks at me. (I love my niece and nephew, but manners are not their strong suit).  I gather the kids to go (DH and FIL had gone outside to give them our gifts for Christmas).  OS gets ahead of me, and when I go out I find MIL about to buy him sweets from a vending machine.  She knows she's been "caught" and suddenly starts blubbering asking if it's OK with me.  (She was going to give the sweets to OS and my nephew.  I don't know what she expected to give my YS - the ignored child - but I'm guessing nothing.  She KNEW we were leaving and she also knew my kids had just had a ton of sweets at the party.)  I told her no, it was not OK as we were leaving for dinner.  She got flustered (I secretly enjoyed this, although I shouldn't have) and flung the money at OS, saying he could keep the dollar.  She then realized that my YS would need a dollar and frantically searched for him, with my nephew bugging her for one too.  I left her rummaging in her purse, after having the boys say thank you and a quick good bye and left.  She hollered "have a good Christmas" and I said "you too" and made a dash for the door.

Outside, I expected her to come out to further talk, as FIL was still out saying goodbye.  Luckily, I was spared.  I tried to make sure to be kind and open and pleasant to FIL.  I do like him, despite his codependency and enmeshment and avoidance of confrontation.  And I think he likes me too.  Even though MIL clearly has issues with me, and he is paying the consequences now, he was very kind to me, making sure to say goodbye.  I think he wanted to give me a hug goodbye, but I busied myself with the car seats, because I was sort of feeling uncomfortable.  He couldn't squish down between the cars and said a hearty and kind goodbye before walking back to DH.  I think it speaks volumes that he has tried to maintain kindness and goodwill.


So, I feel SO relieved today.  I'm free of the old bat for two whole weeks!  (Now, if NM would just leave me the fuck alone, I could have a nice little holiday.)  But I do have pangs for the future.  I feel more confident, free, and hopeful than I have in a long time.  I don't feel like I'm bound to put up with her behavior forever.  I told DH what had happened and warned him that this is how I will be dealing with her for the foreseeable future: pleasant but detached.  I will walk away and leave if she presses too hard.  I'm ready to take care of myself and if she feels I'm being rude/unkind/pissed at her, so be it.  I don't care.  I'm still feeling very anxious, but I don't feel helpless anymore.  Progress, right?

So, questions:  Any suggestions on how to deal with her interrogative questions?  Any suggestions on the situation as a whole?

The Invisible Artist

Several weeks ago, my family and I visited my mother's home.  I know, I know.  But it was a necessary thing.  And since it'd been almost three years since I'd visited her home, I figured it would knock of some of my parental obligation.

I plan to write some posts about some of the situations that popped up while there.  I had hoped, by now, that I would no longer be writing such personal posts.  That I might have "graduated" into more scholarly and educational posts (haha, that's a joke).  But seriously, I still don't feel I have an overarching understanding of narcissism that would be necessary for me to feel legitimate in writing articles on narcissism.  So, I'm going to stick to this personal stuff.  It not only helps me, but I think seeing actual examples may help others.  And because I DO have a much better understanding of the dynamics of what is going on, that may be useful.  I do regret that I am exposing some of my mother's personal stuff, but I guess it is what it is.   I really disliked in the last post transcribing the texts, but unless you really see the wording, it's hard to describe what is going on.

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One morning, my son asked me to draw him a picture of an event that we'd participated in.  He likes me to draw pictures and then he colors them and adds his own touches.  Many times, I encourage him to draw his own things, but I find it fun for us to do these little projects together too.

He was quite happy with the result and brought it to NM to show her.  She said, rather blankly,  "Huh.  I didn't know your mom could draw.  Who knew she was such an artist?"

Seems pretty harmless right?  And in NM's defense, artistic en devours were not my primary hobby growing up.  I spent a lot of time involved in theater.  I liked to act, dance, and especially sing.  I often had the leads in school musicals or solos.  I participated in academic teams.  I wrote.  A lot.  I was always writing.

Plus, my sister was the "artist" of the family.  She was the one who made the great art, drew well, and even went to art school for college.

But for NM to say she didn't know  I could draw is complete bullshit.  When she first said this, I felt a little ping.  Sort of like being flicked in the brain.  "Ping: that doesn't sound right."

It niggled at me and later, as I thought about it, I realized it was completely impossible that my mother didn't know I could draw.  I spent many, many hours in my room drawing cartoon figures which I would design outfits for.  I loved doing that.  I spent tons of time drawing other things too.  I still have many of my drawings.

And as I thought further, I remembered that I also used to win the contest to draw the artwork for the programs for all of those theater productions I was in.  Every person in the audience, as well as my mother, received copies of those programs.  So, while it's highly likely she had no clue about my drawing alone in my room (she tended to leave me be in there), I KNOW she'd had an opportunity to see those programs.

And then it dawned on me fully: my mother has a FRAMED portrait picture that I drew of my sister and I above her dresser in her bedroom.  HOW in the world could she not know I draw when she stares at a picture of my art every. single. day.

I really could care less if my mother knows I draw or not.  It's not about that.   But it just stuns me at times how little she knows about me.  How little sinks into her understanding of me.  I am nothing but a bunch of labels.  Like a magazine collage of pictures she's cut out.  She does not see me.  Like, at all.  I am allowed a certain set of descriptors, as is my sister, assigned to me by NM.  We are not allowed to share any descriptors, unless she sees fit.  And anything that doesn't  fit into her box, she doesn't see.

I spent a lot of time with NM listening to her blab on and on.  It was enough negativity and drivel (much of which she repeated seeming to hope for a different effect or response) to make me want to rip my ears out.  After the five day visit, I was recounting to DH all of the shit she had unloaded on me when I realized she'd only asked me ONE question about me.  And even that had felt obligatory and rehearsed.  I do not exist to her as a person and I often feel I am merely a place for her to talk "out loud to herself".  She then feels like she is engaging in conversation, but it is truly like she's talking to her reflection in the mirror, not me.   Even when I tried to discuss a similar situation I have with my SIL as to one she described with her stepDILs, she dismissed me, minimizing what I was saying, and clearly showed she remembered none of the history between SIL and I.  All she said is that she found my conclusions about SIL to be wrong, and that clearly our relationship issues paled compared to the stepDILs and certainly she "feels (we) could be friends if (we) worked at it."

Since I've been home, she's used the "drip" form of communication, sending one or two pictures from the trip each day by email, to maintain that "contact" with me.  Despite her knowing that several larger things have gone on in my life (she knows I lost my childcare, she knows that we had a minor emergency with my son - nothing big, no worries, he's fine) she hasn't called or asked anything about them.  Not one thing, despite daily communication from her.  I'm guessing this is part "punishment" (for not answering her texts) and part her devotion to all things herself.

Feeling invisible to my mother is nothing new, and so the experiences didn't pain me nearly as much as they would have in the past.  Nothing I can do will make her take notice of me, and that's just the way it is.  But seeing it, without the pallor of all of the emotional pain, helped me to see just how clearly invisible I am to her.  It remains stunning, even without the pain.



My husband, when this song came out, said that it reminded him of how I always described my relationship with my mother and sister.  The emphasis on the wording is mine:

Invisible (U2)

It's like the room just cleared of smoke

I didn't even want the heart you broke

It's yours to keep
You just might need one

I finally found my real name
I won't be me when you see me again

No, I won't be my father's son

I'm more than you know
I'm more than you see here
More than you let me be
I'm more than you know
A body in a soul

You don't see me but you will
I am not invisible

I don't dream, not as such
I don't even think about you that much
Unless I start to think at all

All those frozen days
And your frozen ways
They melt away your face like snow

You don't see me but you will
I am not invisible

I am here

There is no them
There is no them
There's only us
There's only us
There is no them
There is no them
There's only us
There's only us
There is no them
There is no them
There's only you
And there's only me
There is no them

A Conversation with a Narcissist (or 2)

My grandmother is terminally ill.  My aunt and uncle have arranged for a family holiday at their home so we can all get together (I assume, one last time, before she passes).  My father called to invite me.  I assumed he would also invite my sister.  She generally doesn't attend family get togethers, but she always makes a big dramatic scene about how she can't afford it (probably true) and that she'd have to take unpaid leave from work (she has a job where you don't get time off with pay).  We all know she isn't going to go, but she makes a big deal about wanting to go.

I hadn't decided if I was going yet, as it is a VERY long drive and would be a VERY difficult trip for my family.  However, my father's family always got together for this holiday when I was a child, I would, like to see them, and I had a chance to say goodbye to my grandmother (although I've made peace with the fact that I probably wouldn't).  My father called me last Friday and was considerate about not pressuring me to go.  He just wanted to let me know.

Yesterday, I received a text from NM (please remember this woman has NOTHING to do with my father's family, except on FB and that this is NONE of her business).  I will paraphrase some of the dialogue for anonymity's sake, but will try to be as close as possible:

From NM: Just a quick question.  Are you going to (town) for (holiday)?

Since my visit to NM's a week or so ago, she has not let up on the texts and messages.  I've received several a day, which is annoying at a minimum.  I REALLY DISLIKE when she starts something with "just a quick question" and then gives me know background content as to why she is asking these questions.  She clearly has an agenda, but apparently thinks she doesn't owes me any explanation and that I should just offer up information.  This information is NONE of her business.  And I can easily guess her agenda: my sister.  The only way she can know about this get together from my sister.  Last summer, for another family reunion, NM had also texted to try and get me to pick up NSIS (at a larger city) and drive her and her (scuzzy) boyfriend (in my already loaded car) to the reunion and let them stay with me.  FAT fucking chance.  

I didn't need a crystal ball to predict that is exactly what she wanted this time.  

I replied: I don't know.  Why?

I immediately got a response back that said something like "NSIS is trying to figure out if she can go.  It'll cost $700 for each plane ticket (meaning boyfriend would go too) and she'd have to take unpaid time from work which would be expensive.)

This pissed me off.  Remember folks, my sister and I have not spoken in TWO YEARS, aside from her occasional verbal assaults, abuse, and harassment that I let "this go", "get over it", or general name calling and verbal abuse that usually leaves me emotionally wrung out, anxious, and tense.  These feelings (and her horribly toxic, awful lifestyle) and a last straw were the reasons I chose to take a break from our relationship.  Despite several tense email sessions in which she basically accused me of being the source of all of the problems, we haven't really communicated.  NM has tried guilting me into "forgiveness" and even last week acts like nothing is going on between me and my sister.  The last communication I had from my sister was two weeks ago in the form of an abusive message in which she called me tons of names because of some comment on FB (which did not warrant the shaming and tongue lashing).

I REALLY can not get past my mother's delusions that I would be in any position to grant a favor to my sister and help her out.  First, NSIS is a grown ass woman who's poor career choices have caused her to be perpetually "broke" (although she always has tons of money for clothes and alcohol).  WHY in the world would I want to be in a car with this person whom I have NOT SPOKEN TO in two years?  Who would that go?  Just a hug and a cry and it's suddenly all better?  And more than that, WHY is my mother feeling she needs to arrange all of this.  She is so out of her boundaries, it's lunacy.    Not to mention, she clearly thinks I'm so stupid that I didn't see her "set up" coming.  That's just annoying.

I reply (because I am acting more "boldly".  The therapist's word.):  What does that have to do with me?

She replies: Nothing really.

I reply:  Then why did you ask me if I was going and why did you tell me about NSIS?

This halts her in her tracks and is not what she expected from me.  I don't get a response for over an hour and a half.  Then this comes in:

She replies: Just being snoopy.  And I don't know why I volunteered the information  about NSIS.  Just making conversation that in hindsight didn't need to be said.

BULLSHIT.  Notice that NM's tone switches her to her (she works in a field where you have to use politically correct terminology and be careful about how you speak.  To me, I can clearly hear her tone switch to "work NM" and switch on damage control.  She's become cold, calculated, and disconnected from me.)  Notice too that she NEVER really seems to care about me, my feelings, or what I want.  I admit, it bothers me immensely that my perspective doesn't even register in her brain.  She just plain does not care, which is hurtful (although expected.  I'm not surprised by this at all.)

Then, NSIS texts about 15 minutes later.  I'm guessing NM told her that she'd need to put on her big girl panties and make arrangements with me herself (and again, the LUNACY of these two women that this is even an option blows my mind.  I feel very pressed upon, very ignored, and very annoyed.  And very confused.  How do they compute this in their brain?  How do they make this work?  I would NEVER think of calling my sister for anything right now.  

NSIS texts: Are you going to (town) for (holiday)?  Just talked to Dad today.

WTF?  Why would she think she is in a position to ask me that information?  And what does it have to do with her?  (I know, she wants something from me, but does she not see that I see that?)  The audacity to think I would even respond to this blows my mind.  It's like nothing has happened, like they expect I'll finally just quit throwing a "hissy fit" and "move on".

I chose to ignore this text.  It is none of her damn business anyway.  Several hours later, I get this text:

From NSIS:  Jessie, this has gone on to (sic.) long.  I miss you and I am so sorry for hurting you.  I need you most right now.

Allow me to interpret this for you:  Jessie, I've grown impatient with your bullshit.  I'm stamping my foot and DEMANDING that you get over your shit.  Because I think I have to, I'll offer you a token apology, some platitude about hurting you and then I can claim I've been the "bigger person" and apologized.  And now, to my REAL point,  I need something from you, I need you to go back to being my cheerleader and support, I need you to give me what I want from you.  It's all about ME.

For the record, this "this is enough" shit really, really, really annoys me.  Like she has any right to tell me what I need to do (and seriously, this is the most emotionally unstable person I know.  That she thinks she has some sort of moral authority to determine when I should be "done" feeling the way I do irritates me.)  After two years, a simple "I'm sorry I hurt you" is supposed to cover it?  And really, this isn't about hurting me.  I'm not holding onto some grudge (which is NM's and NSIS's projection because that's what THEY do.)  I've moved away from a destructive, toxic relationship when I finally couldn't take it any more (that last straw, DID hurt me.  But, it was preceded by so much other shit and surrounded by so much other shit that it just enlightened me to the whole of the craziness).

And mostly in that text I hear: me, me, me, me, me.  I need something from you, I have unmet needs from you, I have something I want from you.  And the thing is, she ALWAYS wants something from me.  This whole business of "I need you most right now." is such a ploy.  She ALWAYS has a reason she needs me, some chaos, some drama, some bullshit.  And notice, she doesn't actually say WHY.   If it's that big of a deal, why hasn't anyone told me?  They can solicit rides but not tell me about life changing events.  (and if it really is that life changing and they actually DIDN'T tell me, well, doesn't that speak volumes?)  And do I really care?  No.  I no longer want to play nursemaid to my sister who refuses to actually DO something about things.  And just curious if it enters her brain at all that I could use some support, a sisterly talk, someone to lean on.  NOPE.  I'm expected to not have any needs.

I am choosing to ignore this for now.  I talked it out with DH, as I would really like to reply to her somehow (but seriously, am I supposed to do this in a text?  What kind of response was she really expecting.  "Um, OK.  I'm all good now.  What can I do for you NSIS?")  The things I'd like to say are:

This is about much more than me holding a grudge.
I haven't seen any reason to believe our relationship going forward will be any different than what it was in the past and that is unacceptable to me.
There is little room in any of these conversations for my needs, my feelings, and my concerns.  And if no one else will take that into consideration, than I'll have to do that for myself.
I have needed time to sort through this and it will not be resolved in the next three weeks (by the time she needs the ride).


Beyond that, I would love to say how asinine it is to think that this all could just go away with a simple "I'm sorry."  Their level of delusion and crazy is actually quite startling to me.  I don't see how they see this going other than reconstructing reality and deciding to just play pretend and travel back in time.

Unfortunately, I can not think of any email (no matter how carefully worded) would yield any positive results.  Almost any email I send will be reacted to defensively and I will be attacked for it (the last attempt I tried ended exactly in this way).  I have seen NO evidence that anything has changed with her and I can not reasonably believe the outcome will be any different from the last time.  This is still a woman (child) that believes it is perfectly appropriate to reduce me to emotional putty, slay be with verbal shrapnel, and then go back to normal like nothing happened and ask me for a favor.  I can't see sending an email as any more than an opprotunity for her to gain ammunition and attack me in return (I feel her anger at me is boiling just below the surface.  She can pull out her "vulnerability" and plead to my conscious and my concern for her.....this used to be much more effective with me, as I always had such compassion for her that I'd do anything to help her.   But I know that Jekyll/Hyde mask is just below the surface.  And despite her wanting to "let it all go" I know her anger and resentment is tucked away for the right time to unleash it.


Any thoughts, friends?  Any advice on how to handle this?  I'm guessing it's far from over and that ignoring her will only infuriate her more.  But I just don't see what response would actually yield something positive for me?  Why anger the beast?

Any and all thoughts are welcome.