Sometimes NM can really just get on my nerves. It's not because she is hurting me or being a vindictive or vengeful. It's because she's been so fucking annoying.
I just got a forwarded email from her. It was clearly sent to me and my sister. Normally, I delete these forwards. They are most often those "wisdom for those who have none" quotes or save-your-soul symbolic analogies. You know, deep thoughts for the not-so-deep narc type things. Or, during the political season, they were often offensive trash.
So, anyway, against my better judgement I opened it up. It was a passage from a book describing family Christmas traditions and how this particular family's favorite tradition is handwritten "love letters" to each other that they open on Christmas morning. Lovely. How nice for them. I'm sure that for these people, these thoughtful, hand written expressions of love are meaningful and held dear.
But what the fuck am I suppose to get out of this forward. What is her subversive little point? That all she wants for Christmas is some letter of "love" from me. Some written expression of how much I love her and think she's fabulous. What a joke. Let's not even go into the fact that I actually USED to do this. That I've written many a hand written letter, short stories about and dedicated to her as a child, poems, thoughtful messages in cards. All seemed to go unnoticed at best and were criticized or minimized at best (you told other people these things about me, she said once when I'd written a more public version professing my admiration of her). Or maybe the hours I've spent hand making gifts or putting thought and time into constructing gifts with my son for her weren't enough "expressions of love". I suppose I am clearly a daughter who has missed the point, the "true meaning" of Christmas, who really only needs to express my "true love" for my family at this sacred time.
My other thought is that she is trying to play the "bigger person" and resolve the differences between me and my sister. Trying to look like the long suffering mother, pained by the estrangement between her daughters, only wishing they could put down their petty grudges, if only for the holiday season. This pisses me off on so many fronts. I mean, lets all pretend that, before this, everything was perfect and we were all happy and close. Yup, sounds good. Or how about we allow mommy to be the healer and bring us "back together". And really why does mommy want us back together? To relieve some of the stress off mommy? To give her a "break" from the chaos that is my sister? To give my sister her cheerleader, rescuer, and coach back? It sure as hell isn't for my benefit.
The sanctimonious nature of this forward makes my skin crawl. The presumptions, looking-down-on-us-sinners attitude, the pitying nature of it all makes me want to wretch. Thanks for the reminder NM about the true nature of Christmas. About how I'm suppose to make LOVE the center of it all. How I'm supposed to be reminded that family is the most important thing. That expressing our love and caring for each other is important. This little fucking email has TOTALLY changed me mind, slapped me upside the head with it's obviousness, and allowed my heart to grow three sizes today!!
I suppose this could all be just an email. Just another one of those wisdom bearing emails NM seems to love. But I doubt it. Two months ago, she started in on me about giving ideas for my kids. We emailed back and forth. I got an email late last week. The subject line read "Panic". For fuck's sake. Dramatic much? The panic was because she "all of a sudden" realized she needed to order gifts and didn't know what to get.
Seems 'tis the season to amp up the drama. And send letters of love. Geesh.
I would say from this post that your mother is hurting you. Anger often signifies hurt, fear or frustration. I don't believe you are afraid of her. I suspect you feel frustrated by her behavior but there is hurt of why rub in your face what families can be when she can't step up and be what she is writing about. For me, it took a long time to process my being hurt by neglect and lack of any meaningful relationship with my mother. Every gift she returns to me because she doesn't want the clutter. Your words echoed my own. I am sorry that Christmas seems to escalate the drama that you already have enough of. Take care.
ReplyDeleteThanks Ruth. I thought that I wasn't let her hurt me anymore (I mean, if I have no expectations of her, how can those expectations be violated?) but maybe she is.
DeleteIt angers me so much that she sends these little passive-aggressive judgments to me, seeming to blame me (or my sister) for all that is wrong in our family. And that she has reduced what is going on with my sister and I to some petty squabble. And that she will use Christmas to lob bombs.
Thanks for your thoughts.
I loathe forwards. My father still sends them to me so I completely empathise with your feelings of annoyance. Aaaargh, they're so irritating!!! I find it ironic that they can send all these sanctimonious forwards but never apply them to themselves. :P
ReplyDeleteCan you imagine your mother's face if you said to her: "Don't worry about the gifts, just send the kids love letters"? Hahaha I bet she'd love that....(not) ;)
I know. It's amazing how many of her words of wisdom she doesn't apply to herself. They are usually about family being the root of all of the world.
DeleteHA HA HA! I think you should try what Kara suggested! Ha ha ha! Oh, that's good!
Delete:-D
Still laughing!!! Oh, I really would pay money to watch that particular scene unfold! HA HA!
Hey Jessie - I was just going to say something similar to Ruth. That I used to send these soul-bearing, put-my-heart-on-the-line emails to the ICE QUEEN NM and they were received, icily. I figured they made her uncomfortable, so I stopped. I sure as HELL never received a REPLY!
And now, same thing! "We used to be SO CLOSE!". Ha! We were NEVER close! But certainly not for lack of trying on my end! :-D
Ha ha ha - I LOVE this idea of deliberate misinterpretation!
You've all just inspired my New Year's Resolution - I'm going to INTENTIONALLY and DELIBERATELY misconstrue all N-Attacks and Guilt-trips and turn them right around! He he he! LOVE IT! It'll either force them to EXPLICITLY say what they mean, or probably discourage them into sulky reticence!
Don't bite, Jessie! ;-) It's like Wyle E. Coyote and the Road Runner - just mess with the trap so it backfires!
Tell her Norman Rockwell died in 1978 and if she wants to tell you something she should just tell you because you have no effing idea what message she is trying to give with her crapola.
ReplyDeleteHahahahaha! That's awesome Q, and the exact sentiment I was trying to convey in my post.
DeleteMaybe you should forward her back the latest incarnation of lawyer jokes making it's fiftieth pass through the internet and into the recycle bins of computers around the world.
ReplyDeleteThere are lots of things I'd like to send her...none of them are jokes!
DeleteHow about lighting a bag of dogshit on fire and leaving it on her porch and then ringing her bell.
ReplyDeleteHi Jessie,
ReplyDeleteNew to your blog, enjoyed this post very much. In my mind, what's so frustrating, hurtful, and angering about this behavior (which I have experienced at the hands of my FOO, too) is that she puts it on you to do the thing she wants. This is blaming, accusative, shaming, and demanding (among other things) all at once. If she really gave a fuck about love and about YOU, SHE would write the fucking letter she's hinting that it's somehow your responsibility to do for her.
It took me years to figure this out about my sister in particular. She demands behavior like this from me, but it never occurs to her that if she wants it, maybe she should initiate it. It's all about me, my shortcomings, my flaws, my unwillingness to be a "loving" sister.
Bullshit.
There is a simple rule at play here that these narcs ignore: The Golden Rule. Treat people how you want to be treated. That they put it on you to do what they want is, IMO opinion, powerful validation that you've done the right thing by distancing.
Take care,
Kitty