Releasing the past in order to find myself

Monday, April 29, 2013

Hallmark Obligations

I know tons of other ACoNs have written about this, but I need to do my own little vent.

I hate Mother's Day.  Loathe it.  I hate standing in the aisle trying to pick out a card.  Most of them talk about a mother's unconditional love, endless support, tireless care.  NM doesn't qualify for those cards.  One year, I bought her a pretty card that said "Mother" on it.  This set of NM's radar.  I didn't really intend to be stand-offish.  I thought it was pretty and had a nice sentiment to it.  But she zeroed in on the fact that I called her "mother".  Geesh.  I have a card that I want to send her.  I bought it two years ago.  It has a mom on the cover who says something like "I don't give a shit if you like peas.  You'll eat them and you'll like them!"  On the inside it says "thanks for all the encouragement over the years."  I'm sure there would be repercussions to sending it though.  I did get out of it for awhile, sending mother's day cards from the kids.  Kind of got me out of the way.  But that grew old too.

So, I stand in the aisle, looking at the horribly overpriced cards and the overly sentimental sentiments that pertain to my mother not at all and wonder what the hell to do.  Not acknowledging her would get up her radar too much.  Besides, she thinks she was a wonderful mother.  She really does.  So, not sending one would be a huge slap in the face to her, and I really don't care enough to get into that kind of fight with her over a damn card.

I do send a nice plant.  Last year, I made a nice potted flower arrangement.  Not because I had to, but because that's what I would do if MIL and NM weren't horrible.  I had my son paint some things for them.  MIL's accidentally got claimed by her demented, elderly, on the brink of death MIL.  Of course, MIL then went to my (3 year old son) and asked him to make her another one.   My jaw dropped on that one.  That MIL couldn't just hand over the gift to the old lady blew me away.  That she then prodded my son (but really me, whom she didn't address about it) to go out and buy another project and paint another one for her pissed me off.  I would have done that for her, if she'd been gracious about it.  But the fact that she acted like a child whose toy got taken really, really annoyed me.  But not to worry, she made sure she took it back when the old woman passed away three months later.  And she made sure she told us she took it back too.

I used to try to pick out a card for MIL.  But that was an impossible feat.  What could I possibly say to the woman who guilted and obligated and controlled my husband, treated me like a second class citizen, and tried to get between me and my kids?  So, I quit doing that.  I let DH pick it out.  I always hate the cards he picks out for her.  Flowery, sentimental, with "For a wonderful mom and grandma" crap.  Blech.  But at least I don't have to do it.  Plus, she knows I don't pick it out.  She's mentioned, at least a couple of times, when she's aware one or the other of us has picked out the card.  She knows who it comes from.  And that's fine with me.

Then, I also have to pick out a card for my step-mother.  Most of those cards say something like "you've been like a mother to me."  Well, not true.  I was 17 (or so) when I met the lady the first time.  She's lived 1500 miles away and I see her once every year or so.  She married my dad when I was 22.  She is not like a mother to me and never has been.  But if I don't acknowledge her, my father gets upset.  Since her birthday is really close, I usually just send a birthday card and slap a "and Happy Mother's Day" sentiment at the end and call it a day.

What really blows me away is that sentiment is never backwards flowing.  Meaning, I never receive a card or a sentiment from them.   There isn't any, "Hey Jessie, I know you are in the midst of raising my two lovely grandkids, who are young and tireless and you're doing a great job!  So, here's to you!"  Nope, it's all about them.

Several years ago, when I was 9 months pregnant, NM suddenly needed a favor from my husband.  She wanted him to drive her up to pick up a car she'd bought near my home (and far from hers).  It would have been a minimum of 6 hours drive (but most likely more).  I would have been left alone, two weeks before my due date, with my toddler son, on the one of the few days I had to rest or get ready for the baby.  NM's sudden desire to obtain this purchase was such a coincidence, that it clearly wasn't a coincidence.  In addition, DH already had plans for one day of the weekend and he had promised to watch the baby so I could get a long needed activity done before the baby came.  It was the only thing I'd asked of him for Mother's Day, was to have this day to do this thing for myself.  So, when NM texted, saying feel free to say no if you can't, I said no.  She replied back "thanks for at least asking (DH)".

Clearly, I wasn't being thanked.  Due to the timing of my reply text, she knew I had not asked DH.  She was angry.  And that made me angry.  She didn't care, or even ask, if we had anything to do.  She had expected an immediate yes.  She didn't care that maybe I didn't want a house guest so close to my due date.  She didn't care that DH might have had some things to do.  She didn't care that this was some of the last time we were going to spend as a family of three.  She didn't care that I was 8.5 months pregnant and that chasing after another small child was physically painful for me.  And that I depended on DH's day's off for relief and a chance to rest.  All she could think about was getting her car.  She didn't try to come up with other solutions.  She complained that flying to get it would've been too expensive.  She didn't think about renting a car for the day (which still would have meant staying with me, but at least she wouldn't be taking my husband with her).  She didn't care that I'd almost died (within an hour of symptoms starting) when I'd had my first son and wouldn't have made it if I'd arrived any later.  But she would have left me, with a small child, with out a ride to the hospital under very serious concerns that I could go into labor and have the same serious issues I'd had the first time.  Nope.  She did not care.  There were so many other ways she could've solved her problem, but she expected me to put getting her (non-essential, second) car above myself, my husband, my child, my unborn child, and my well being, time, and energy.  She did end up coming through (my "poor" step-father who had been too work entangled to do it before apparantly, drove her.  They ended up staying in a hotel, but did take us to dinner.).  She simmered through the meal.  It was tense and uncomfortable (she had pulled my son's highchair right next to hers and far from me in an act of control).  I realized how she could've cared less about what was best for me at the time.   (By the way, when I had my first son, I called her to tell her the news after a very, very quick trip to the hospital and emergency C-section.  Her first reply was "Why didn't you call me?!" in an angry tone.  Not, oh my god, I'm so glad you are both OK.  I'm so happy for you.  Nope, anger because, while I was bleeding to death in a hospital bed in agonizing pain, I hadn't taken the time to inform her of  my near-fatal situation. )

I think of this story, a story that happened a week before Mother's Day and I wonder, what kind of card do you get for a mother like that?

26 comments:

  1. A pretty flowery blank card where you can find some canned poem to print out and insert. Sign the poem, leave the card blank. Then she can re-use it.

    I'm not sure if I'm very helpful, really. I very cordially hated my mother for the last few years of her life and stopped communicating with her at all. No Christmas, no birthday, no Mother's Day. Her abuse indicated to me that she wasn't worth the attention.

    My family of choice was much, much healthier than anything she could even conceive of. I remember just staring at them all during my first Christmas with them. Nobody yelled or screamed or "iced out" anybody else. They disagreed, sometimes loudly, but it was never personal....I kept waiting for the screaming and the hitting and it never happened. Still hasn't.

    I don't know why you keep her. She doesn't deserve you. And your kids certainly don't deserve a grandmother like *that*.

    Bea

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    1. Thanks Bea for your thoughts and kind words. Everyone who comments here helps me in one way or another!

      The process of untangling myself from estrangement has been a long and complicated one. I may move further away, I may learn to cordially manage her, who knows. I'm already a lot better off than I was a few years ago when she pulled the stunt before the birth of my kids.

      I appreciate your thoughts and support.

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    2. Bea, oh, boy, can I relate! For the first year or so, I walked on eggshells around DH's family waiting to cross that invisible line. It was so disorienting that there *was* no invisible line. Nobody tore anyone apart behind anyone's back, nobody played one-upmanship games, nobody tried to humiliate anyone else.

      Jessie, I'm so sorry you were made to feel so bad for taking care of yourself and your family. Good grief, as a woman 9.5 months pregnant with a previous dangerous condition, there is no way you should have been dancing to someone else's tune.

      Finally, why doesn't Hallmark make a Mother's Day card that says, "You suck"?

      --LuLoo

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  2. Hi Jess,
    I think letting DH pick a card for his mother is a good idea. For the rest I would just pick the cheapest you can find (or send an e-card ;)
    P.S.
    Your post got me thinking about how there isn't a "Daughter's Day" , so it does seem that it's all a bit one-sided, because how about all the daughters who look after ageing parents?

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    1. Funny you should suggest the e-card, Kara. That's MIL's favorite form of communication with me. I get them for my birthday and as thank you cards. Ones that are really long, in which I have to watch a bunch of butterflies for eons before I get to the message.
      I do think it's important to acknowledge all of those people who care take for others. For me on Mother's Day, it's important to acknowledge all of the mothers (especially those that are still in the "trenches" so to speak).

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    2. I imagined as much from your MIL :P I was thinking what would be the cheapest and less inconvenient option for you since none of those women really deserve a Mother's day card because they never truly "mothered" you, (I understand not wanting to pick a bigger fight at the moment.)

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  3. I haven't given NM a card of any kind in years... oh, wait, she wanted one of my business cards and asked for it, so I gave it to her. My sister, on the other hand, finds a card that makes her smile and doesn't associate it with who it is going to.

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  4. No card. Why torture yourself? She'll be mad no matter what you do.

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    1. I know. It would be nice to just forego the whole thing.
      She will be mad either way, but on this occasion in particular, not sending something would be picking a much bigger fight than I want to deal with right now. I'm sure she is aware of my drifting away, but not sending the card would be a big way to get attention from her I don't really want right now.

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    2. No shit VR the easiest way to infuriate my mother was to do exactly what she said she wanted us to do. We are all damned if we do damned if we don't, at least by doing nothing we can conserve that bit of energy to wait out the Narc Rage we will be getting later

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  5. Each of us has our story and each needs to be shared. I do appreciate the reminder that I need to tell my daughters and daughter-in-laws how truly amazing they are. I stopped cards years ago, this year I am stopping the flowers. Something my counselor told me before I stopped sending cards to send it with the same level of meaning as my mother means it. For my MIL, the most expensive one I could find and for NM whatever came to hand that I didn't totally object to. Keep working towards what is best for you. I am sorry your MIL tried such a stunt before your baby was born. Your frustration makes total sense. Hugs to you and yours. :)

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    1. Thanks Ruth for the hugs and the suggestions.

      Glad I could be a reminder to you. Sometimes I think moms who are still in the thick of child rearing could use a little pat on the back. I do it for my friends and I'm sure appreciative when they do it for me.

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  6. I am dreading mother's day. I struggle with finding an appropriate card, too. Maybe I will just send mine a plant this year.

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  7. Do any of them have a particular charity or "cause" in which they've expressed interest? Besides themselves? ;) Do they volunteer anywhere in their community?
    I'm thinking making a donation in their name would get you off the hook. The charity/organization sends the "recipient" a card thanking them and indicating a donation (but typically, not the amount) has been made on their behalf by "so-and-so."
    Oxfam has some great cards. There's one I particularly like: On the outside is a picture of a steaming pile of shit and says, "I saw this and thought of you!" On the inside, it explains dung is used for fuel in some third world countries for cooking/warmth and a donation in their name has been made by (who ever.) Yeah, I know that particular one wouldn't work yet; nonetheless, in view of the multiplicity of NMs you're grappling with, there's also the ASPCA, various rescue organizations, museums, Health Care facilities and their gift shops, the FARM down the road from you ;) etc. Many depend heavily on donations for their budgets. Any amount of $$ is deeply appreciated by any organization and will be put to far better use than causing you all kinds of additional stress. Better yet, you're off the hook with sending a card and a gift in one gesture.
    You absolutely have your hands full, Jessie. I don't know how you've managed to stay sane in the midst of all this but you have...
    TW

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    1. TW, that is a fabulous idea.

      Neither of them are particularly into charity (MIL, the devout Christian, has a surprising lack of actual charities she supports) but I'm sure I could figure something out!

      Thanks for the input!!

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    2. Oh, and my sanity is up for debate :).

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  8. Devout Christian, eh? Maybe check out DailyWord.org and get her a gift subscription to their lil' publication-they'll send her nice card notifying her a gift has been made in her name. It comes out 6 times/yr. 2mo. of a Thought For the Day like, "I Am Never Alone" followed by a very short (maybe 2 paragraphs worth) discussion and at the end, a short scripture. They also have a 24 hr. Hot-Line for prayer requests (so she can call Daily Word 1-800-Imma-btych) and they'll pray with the caller at that time and then the DW organization will pray around the clock for the next 30 days for the caller's intention/challenge. Since it's non-denomentional Christian, it's pretty hard to offend which ever "branch" MIL subscribes to, yk? I'm sure they won't take prayer requests to make DIL's "disappear!"
    Anyway, just an idea. This way she doesn't have to drag a big Bible around and can still keep up her daily devotions. I can't imagine how a "Devout Christian" could possibly find fault with honoring her Spiritual Aspirations.
    TW




    TW

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  9. Hi, this is Kris. My idea for this year was to total up the bills for different therapies, counseling, etc. that I have done over the past year that are directly related to trying to come to terms with having been raised by a narcissistic mother and the effects that has had on my life, and put that in a "Thank You" card. I figure it would be easily $6000. $500 a month doesn't go very far considering what it costs to get good help from people who know what they're doing. Of course the cost to my life, both financial and otherwise, have been astronomical, so really I'd be understating the true cost of having been raised by an NM by quite a lot. I'd be being rather generous, really!

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  10. Jessie, if you are not going to send the 'thanks for your encouragement' card to your mother than PLEASE send it to me! Though, I think you should. Hahaha
    I'm late on this one, but I didn't entertain Mother's Day for my mother this year (it seems ours are around the same time?). I decided to spend big on my grandmother who has been much more of a mother figure in my life. My fiancées mother was away, but is the kind of woman who is grateful for your company and the effort, but was so cool at the said fact we would cook her dinner at our house and actually said it wasn't necessary! Cards, flowers, gifts...it's all a bunch of bullshit. I made the decision that if my parents can't give me a normal (ie no drama filled) Christmas or birthday, they can stick their parent days! I don't have kids, but when out with my 6 year old niece and my sister and my niece saw my sisters eyes light up at something, and my niece asked if I could buy it for her to give on Mother's Day, this kids cannot keep a secret to save herself! But, she distracted my sister while I bought it, then I organised for her husband to collect it, and my niece kept the secret! THAT is my best Mother's Day! Before our family lunch, my sister was told by her husband that I and my niece had organised it for her and she was so happy and felt so good and thanked me (I'd forgotten). I'd played a very small part in making a very happy Mother's Day, and it can be that simple!
    I hope that you enjoyed your Mother's Day and were spoilt!

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  11. "I did get out of it for awhile, sending mother's day cards from the kids. Kind of got me out of the way. But that grew old too."

    Interesting. Who did it get old for? If it got old with the kiddles, then no problem-o. If it got old for NM, I can't say the same. Who could ever think getting a handmade card from a loved one, a child no less! (a grandchild even!) was "old?"

    Oh. That's right. A narc.

    I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case and your NM somehow, ever so subtly, made it be known that her grandchildren's cards were no longer worthy or whatever.

    I had a thought - you could always just take something the kids had drawn or made, or do a photo project type thing (snap a cute photo of the kids, turn it into a DIY "post card," write on the back of it and call it a day. The kids don't have to know what its for to participate. And if you were to just use some doodles or picture they drew, again, they wouldn't even know they had participated to begin with.

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    1. Interesting thoughts, Jonsi.

      I guess, probably, it felt like NM knew I was "hiding" behind cards from the kids (which weren't homemade, by the way. I have done that for other stuff, but for this, I've often just bought something and called it good.)

      I did have my son make something a few years back. That, as I'm sure you can imagine, got twisted and warped and so I chose to not do that again.

      I do think the postcard picture thing is a good idea. I've done that before for Father's day and had forgotten about it! Next year.

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    2. I think it is a little weird though, to send your mother stuff from the kids for mother's day. Now that I'm thinking about it. Plus, I'm of the mindset that kids really shouldn't have to do anything for their parents on mother's/father's day (let alone for their grandparents!) It's more like your spouse should (if at all) do the whole "Thanks for being the mother to my children" thing, or whatever. It really should be an adult holiday. I don't like the cards in the grocery aisle that are meant for the kids to give to their parents. I pretty much avoid those.

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    3. Probably so. With the cards, I pick them out (and they are never "you're such a wonderful grandma cards" just thinking of you ones). But that's probably why I stopped. It felt weird.

      When I had my kid make something, it was a project he wanted to do anyway. And then we just gave them away. But I don't expect anything from my kids.

      I wish on mother's day, we could quit spending so much time "paying tribute" to our particular mothers and celebrate motherhood as a whole. Like do something that represented motherhood is supposed to be. And honoring ALL mothers (well, the good ones), whether they are our mothers or not. Just taking a moment to recognize how hard it is to be a good mother, how much commitment it takes, and maybe taking a bit of time to reflect on what a "good" mother might look like. I like to honor my friends and aunts and all women who've "mothered" me or whom I see doing a great job mothering their kids. This hero tribute bullshit and obligatory brunch drives me nuts.

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  12. Your birth story was much more traumatic than ours (in terms of the NM not caring at all about your well-being), but there are similarities. I remember the very distinct feeling that my well-being meant absolutely zero to NMIL while I was in labor. The physical health and safety of myself and my unborn baby (and to an extent, her own son, since she was doing a lot of nonsense while we were DRIVING to the hospital) meant nothing to her. She cared more about how to appear the "loving,doting" grammy or whatever, than anything else. My personal solution was to give her less and less. You're going to behave this way? Alright, than no phone call informing you that we're off to the hospital, or even that we've had the (second) baby until I'm good and ready.

    Less and less.

    And with future babies, obviously they get nothing.

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    1. Yeah, and this was only one of the stories ;). The other one isn't much better. I HATE that this bullshit marred some of my memories of the best days of my life.

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